Friday, October 31, 2014

Boo! (Get it?)

World Series analysis
Doesn't matter how much he weighs The Panda can RAKE.
He was like a spanish Tony Gywnn this post-season.
Bumgarner throws alot of high fastballs that generate alot of outs. Is that a riser?
Giants winning without thier best hitting player doing anything of value. (Posey)
Joe Buck's double play call in Game 7 - Could be, Should be, Is. Double Play!
Harold Reynolds fawning over EVERYTHING
Fuck Marlin Man.

Other anaylsis
Hope my kids get a ton of SPK's.
Lil man is Captain America, girl is Spidergirl. (Feeling Marvelous) (Get it?)
Interstellar will not live up to the hype because the hype is a fucking skyscraper.
How does that Disney/Marvel deal look now haters?
Knicks are good. S.

Picks
Record : Keef knows

BROWNS - 7 over Bucs
Logic: Don't take the Bucs for the rest of the year under any circumstance.

Az +4 over COWBOYS
Dallas in trouble. Exposed by Jim Haslett. He layeth the blueprint. Bowles will follow it and then some. Immobile Romo.

HOUSTON +2 over Philly
Philly's o line is banged up.

KC -10 over Jets
How do I take the Jets they are brutal.

Jax +11 over BENGALS
That's a lot of points to give when your QB has red hair.

SD +2.5 over Miami
A week to stew over the beating Manning put to them last Thursday the Chargers will roll Miami.

Skins even over VIKES
RG!!! is ba....... Oh man looks like his right leg exploded. He's out.

ST Loo +10 over SF
Seems high.

Den -3 over BRADY
It's the Manning vs. Brady! CBS execs are having a bukakke party right now at headquarters.

Oakland +16 over SEATTLE
Too much inconsistency to lay wood like that.

Bal -2 over STILLIRS
Bethca big ben doesn't throw 6 tds and over 500 yards again? How much you wanna bet.

Indy -3 over GIANTS


Friday, October 24, 2014

Mettenberger Time

Just doesn't roll off the tongue like Tebow Time

I hope one day some team signs Tebow so Adam Schefter explodes like he got hit from that gun Terry Crews wields in The Expendables.

Detroit -3.5 over Atlanta
No home team this game will be over before you knew it was on. Cheeri-o! They are boratcasting* it at 9am. Sorry West Coast. You are deprived of the shitty Falcons run defense. If there were a team in London, permanently I wonder what they would call it. I mean a new team. Like expansion. Not the fucking Jaguars. How about the Hogwarts? Or the Tea Bags!

Unrelated they should allow or we should force a team based in the U.S. in the Premiere League. That's soccer. If they get a NFL team we get a soccer team. Whats fair is fair god damn it.

KC- 7 over Rams
Austin Davis in Arrowhead. Yikes.

TITANS -2.5 over Houston
See the Post title.

Minny +2.5 over TAMPA
Think Lovie Smith is thinking shit I should have waited a year for a better job to open?

CAROLINA +5 over Seattle
Juicy home dog.

Baltimore -1 over CINCY
Two teams going in the opposite direction. A.J. Green's toe is killing them.

Miami -6 over JAX
Tannyhill been sick since his coach called him out.

Bears +6 over PATS
A lot of shit swirling around the Bears this week.

JETS -2.5 over Buffalo
Bills are one dimensional right now with a noodle armed QB.

AZ -2.5 over Philly
The Cards are for realz.

Oak +6.5 over BROWNS
Too many points. Is that the Browns giving more than a TD? WTF.

Colts -3 over STEELERS
Steelers are dogshit. Rothlisberger is not black enough.

SAINTS -1.5 over Packers
They're back!

Skins +10 over BOYS
Easy they ain't THAT good. Feed Alfie Mo, control clock. BLITZ.



Friday, October 17, 2014

Lamb Frites

Hitting a game winning home run to win the pennant must be the best, I can't think of a greater individual achievement in sports (obvi, if that were WS even better). But I tried to come up with something similar. Game winning three as time expired in basketball? Nah. Because you don't get to run a lap after. Floating around the base paths is the added touch I think. Game winning FG? Relax bro you're a kicker. You're SUPPOSED to make that.

In order to properly quarintine people who have had contact with Ebola you need to forcefully do it. Use Martial Law or something. People are retarded. Never give them the benefit of the doubt. Never.

Halloween is stupid.

38-48

BAL -7.5 over Falcons
Atlanta sucks. They suck worse on the road. NEXT.
Unlrelted I drove around Baltimore coming back from DC two weekends ago because of some I-95 nightmare detour calamity and the Ravens stadium is really purple. Looks like Barney got shot.

SKINS -5.5 over Titans
I got nothing. Other than DC is a cool town.

Seattle -7 over RAMS
How long is the Jeff Fisher leash you think? I say keep him, have to have some continuity these days in the NFL. Not his fault Bradford's knees are made from Polly-O string cheese.

JAX +5.5 over Browns
Gross.

INDY -3 over Bengals
Home team decisions. Is Pep that guys real name or like a nickname that just stuck? You think Andrew Luck crushes ass or nah? He's so weird.

Vikes +6 over BILLS
How dare the Bills be favored by a TD. They should throw the ball to Sammy Watkins every down.

BEARS -3 over Miami
Get your shit together Chicago.

DETROIT -2.5 over Saints
I don't know either of these teams. Lions seem like they are figuring it out though.

Carolina +6.5 over GREEN BAY
Munn Muff.

SD-4 over Cheifs
BRANDEN OLIVER! Guy runs like the a mini Nigerian nightmare.

AZ -3.5 over RAIDERS
Arians seems alright. Steelers have been terrible on offense since he left by the way. Or since they forced him to leave I mean.

NYG+7 over COWBOYS
All of a sudden Jerry Jones is a great GM. Would have been fired 5 times already if he had a boss. Took him 10 years to build an offensive line big deal. So happy people in Dallas have Ebola.

DENVER -7 over SF
I think I really hate Kaepernick. Not sure but I get angry when he does well. I think it's the swaggy dickish way he carries himself. Manning on record breaking nights is like unreal, national TV too?

Houston +3 over STEELERS
Pittsburgh is 12-0 on MNF. Ends this Monday. Turn down for Watt.


Friday, October 10, 2014

El Pad's Weekly Betting Disasters

32-40

So hockey now huh. Alrighty.

Phil Ivey is a greedy motherfucker huh?

Seems like 49er fans fight people alot. Fucking patos locos forever holmes.

You know what's dumb to me. This chick at work is doing like a charity drive for animals. Charities for animals are dumb. Because they are animals not people. The only charity associated with animals I like is Pets for vets ( i think that's the name) where fostered pets go to the homes of veterans returning from war zones. Anything for vets I'm in. And petting a happy dog probably stops them from killing themselves from PTSD trauma.

Adrian Petersons charity sounds cool.

Key and Peele are on fire.

PIKS

Jax +6 over TITANS
GET YOU ONE JVILLE. GET YOU ONE! They win outright.

TAMPA +3 over Ravens
There are still a few teams that I have no read on yet. And may never so I'll just side witht he home dog points. The Bucs do look a whole lot better with Glennon under center though. Which everyone knew besides Lovie. Sad it took an injury for the switch to happen. I think Rainey needs more touches. Especially with their WR corp banged up. And try that Austin-Sefarin Jenkins fellow at TE. He should see 10 looks a game. Fantasy reasons aside I'm serious. He fits the Jimmy Graham/Tony Gonzalez school of TE's (that is TE's that played college ball).

JETS +11 over Broncos
I keep taking the Jets and they keep shitting themselves. Either this ship is sinking faster than even I can imagine or that defense wakes up and starts playing competitive football again. It's ashamed during Rex's tenure he's never given one fuck about his offense. Not a good head coach. You can't be on the defensive headset all game buddy. You're the head coach not the defensive coordinator. Tough year for the Ryan boys.

Detroit -1.5 over VIKES
BILLS +3 over Pats
Carolina +7 over BENGALS

Jeopardy answer for you guys. Ready?

The Lions, Bills and Panthers.
Question : What other teams does El Pad have no fucking clue on yet and may not for the remainder of the year?

Daily Double.

But seriously. Who are the Lions? All this talent, middle of the pack team offensively. It feels like Schwartz is still coaching this team. The Bills. No identity offensively, can go from a leaky defense to a stout defense on a play to play basis. And the Panthers? Jekyll and Hyde defense which is a far cry from the unit Rivera oversaw last year. And no running game to speak of. None. 85% same roster. Don't get it.

BROWNS -2 over Steelers
The Browns is that kid you used to play ball against back on the playground or schoolyard where you'd beat him reguarly every summer but then he sprouted up over the school year - got real wiry and his adam apple dropped and he got that ridiculous pubey mustache with pimples everywhere and now it's a fucking job to beat him. And sometimes he beats you, for the first time. I think I'm trying to say the Browns just may be on the cusp of turning the corner.

Green Bay -3 over FINS
How many hamburgers do you think Mike McCarthy can eat? Probably like 4 or 5 right? He probably crushes white castle suitcases on film nights.

San Diego -7 over RAIDERS
Sparano buried a ball. Cute. He should have buried the GM. And Richard Seymour's contract. And Mark Davis's face.

FALCONS -3 over Bears
True road/home split team. Just like New Orleans. Also the Devin Hester story to this game is a factor. Same way the Ravens/Panthers - Steve Smith Sr. thing. But less violent and less anger.

SEATTLE -? over Cowboys
First of all this line is all over the place. I'm seeing 7.5 - 10. So whatever it goes off as I'll take. Cowboys are playing real well but Seattle is a dominant team at home. Feels like the game where Murray gets hurt. Then Romo falls apart.

ARIZONA -3.5 over Skins
Line would be higher if the Cardinals had a QB penciled in. Losing feeling in a shoulder sounds like a shitty injury for a QB. Don't think it matters the Washington franchise is a mess right now.

PHILLY -2.5 over Giants
Gmen will find a way to let Philly off the hook again. The Eagles have to be the worst 4-1 team. They have like 8 non-offensive TD's. Some teams don't get that in a season. Maybe they are doing a good job of forcing all those mistakes or maybe they are lucky. Either way fuck them I hate Philly and all the awful people that live there.

ST LOO +3 over Niners
Start Wainwright at QB. The fuck is this game. I hate when Execs get cute and try and predict juicy matchups. Not sure how the selection process happens, as far as who picks first. But let's say after CBS picks their prime game and Fox picks theres ESPN goes before NBC. Rams/Niners is the pick? If in fact NBC wnet after ESPN they must have laughed so hard before picking Philly/NY.













Friday, October 03, 2014

I'm the worst

23-36

No clue what it going on. Better off having a groundhog emerge from the ground to make the picks.

I will soilder on.

CAROLINA +2.5 over Bears
When I was in North Carolina earlier this year I drove by Bank of America stadium, by the whay they should just rename Charlotte, Bank of America because thier logo is everywhere. I think they make up 90% of the downtown business. Anyway I saw a giant wrap around Cam Newton image of him screaming and doing the superman chest thing. Thought that was cool.

TITANS -1 over Browns
Thought the Titans would be competitive the past two weeks. Vs. Cincy and the Colts they got manhandled. Those teams are light years ahead of the Browns.

Rams +7.5 over PHILLY
Wonder what teams are ATS off a bye week...with a chance to prepare for two weeks vs. one team? I like the points.

GIANTS -4 over Falcons
Are the Giants finally settling in to that offense? If so.....rut ro. If not.....sad face.

Tampa +10 over SAINTS
WFT. 10 points.

Houston +6.5 over DALLAS
I'm afraid the Cowboys are not world beaters just yet. Jesus media. YOU WANNA ANNOINT THEY ASS?! ANNOINT THEM. THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE.

DETROIT -7 over Buffalo
OG Neckbeard is hilarity.

INDY -3 over Ravens
Baltimore use to be the Colts. True story.

Steelers -6 over JAX
Should have signed Tebow.

Arizona +7.5 over BRONCOS
Interesting game for the Cardinals. Measuring stick.

KC +6.5 over NINERS
JETS +7 over Chargers
Nothing to see here. Move along.

Cincy -1 over NE
We will be swimming in tears of joy once the engals manhandle the Pats on prime time tv. Back to back beatings on TV. Gonna be suite.

Seattle -7.5 over SKINS
I'm going to D.C. this weekend. Little R&R. Not to see this game. Maybe I'll see if CMP wants to go to a Nats game.

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino