Friday, September 26, 2014

El Pad's weekly betting column

F-22's are awesome. I want one. I like the balls our Obama sprouted the other day.
Joe Philbin is a terrible head coach.
Is it me or does Ron Rivera had a fucked up eye?
Halloween shit everywhere.
Fall weather is the best. . (period) .
What the fuck is Mike Martz up to.
Taking the wife to D.C. for a weekend away from life.
DC City Center thing looks nice.
Georgetown is lovely.
News cycle blows by so fast did they find that fucking plane yet?
Simmons biting the hand that feeds him.....



Packers -1.5 over BEARS
Relax everyone, just relax. Olivia Munn's muff has nothing to do with my shitty play. Blame McCarthy. He hasn't had snatch in 12 years. - Rodgers (mustache emoji)

Buffalo +3 over HOUSTON
So much for that feel good Buffalo vibe. Good vibrations stop real quick when you get manhandled at home. Thing is the Chargers are pretty fucking good. At least right now they are. These teams are fairly even so I'll side with the FG.

Titans +7.5 over COLTS
Playing Jacksonville solves problems. I don't what happened to the Titans last week. They pulled a Bucs. I see this being closer than the experts think.

Carolina +3 over BALTIMORE
When the NFL zigs. You zag. That means I have no fucking clue.

JETS -1 over Detroit
All that offense and besides smacking the Giants around the Lions have not looked explosive. Vick please.

STEELERS -7.5 over Bucs
Though I think the Bucs will play better. I can't take them right now.

Miami -3.5 over RAIDERS
Tannyhill gonna rip the Raiders a new one. In foggy London town. Save his job. For a week. Hope Justin Tuck likes playing with his extra 2MM in cash while he miserably loses 12 games a year until he retires.

SD -14 over Jax
This line could be 21 and I'd not consider Jacksonville. Although........BORTLES!

I hope Teddy razzles and dazzles.

Philly +4.5 over NINERS
San Fran just ain't right. We all called it. We're all right.

New Orleans -3 over DALLAS
Saints gonna drop nutsacks on Dallas.

KC +3 over Pats
Home dog on Monday night? Yes please. FYI Brady looks sort of ordinary. Push the button?

Friday, September 19, 2014

El Pad's Weekly Betting Not Advice

Uncle Ron quit cuz he cheated on his wife? Seems weird.
The market likes that Scotland stayed with the U.K.
If you stand in line for an iPhone you are retarded.
Fucking Alibaba
I say make Neo the new Cheif of Oracle now that Ellison is retiring.
J Lo is the OG of butts. Ok. OG. Hail to the queen.
Butts are so hot right now.
Pandora finally got around to playing "Round Here" by the Counting Crows on my "Campfire" playlist. Every fucking Crows song but that they played. Assholes.
Bruno Mars sketch in SNL where he was the Pandora voice during outages was tremendous.
Wish Buddy Holly never died. I bet he would have put out some incredible stuff had he lived past his 22nd birthday. Like why did we get 30 years of Waylon Jennings and not 30 years of Buddy Holly?

"Neil Patrick Harris And David Burtka Reenacted The Meatball Scene From ‘Lady And The Tramp’"
That headline made me throw up in my mouth a bit.

Week 3

BUFFALO -2.5 over Chargers
I went from thinking the Bills were a doormat to thinking they are a playoff team in three weeks. There is no NFL barometer. It's all hocus pocus. This just in : Rivers wife is pregnant. $50 says when Rivers retires they have a reality show on TV with all thier kids on like the Lifetime channel. A new "Phillip & The Christians" tonight 9pm only on Lifetime.

Dallas -1 over RAMS
Rams looked better. Dallas looked better. Although didn't it seem like the Titans kind of played shitty like not from a result of the Cowboys playing well? I don't know they had like 6 FG's. Either way the Rams seem on track for a 4-12 season which I would assume would put Fisher in the hot seat. I know he's been leveled with injuries, specifically, Bradford but maybe employing a decent backup would have been smat*? Like a strong veteran or TEEEEBOOOOOWWWWW. And just smashmouth run the ball 70% of the time and play D.

PHILLY -6.5 over Redskins
If Philly can start a game like they end them they'd be dominant. Formula seems to be they rely on that 4th quarter energy to score points. The Eagles make love then fuck. You know what I mean?

GIANTS +2 over Texans
Foster looks teriffic by the way but alot of people look good vs. the Raiders. This game is going to be a mess but I think the G-men get on the board here.

SAINTS -10.5 over Vikings
Remember when the Saints had to deal with all those distractions from Bountygate? Saints get right on their carpet.

Titans +7 over BENGALS
Titans are one of the few teams that match up with the Bengals in the trenches. Which is the Bengals strong suit. Hobbled A.J. Green, bye next week, Burfict out - forget the 7 I think the Titans get a road dog win.

Baltimore -1.5 over BROWNS
If anyone knows the whereabouts of Torrey Smith please contact Joe Flacco and Gary Kubiak at 410-266-2012. $500 reward.

DETROIT -2.5 over Green Bay
I think it's clear to us all that the Lions are better than the Packers. Especially at home. Is Caldwell the guy to push all the right buttons? The Lions won't see a defense like the Panthers the rest of the year. So chalk up last weeks struggles to the Panthers stout defense.

Indy -7.5 over JAX
If there is a lock of the year that wasn't the week one lock of the year it's this one. Just trust me. MORTGAGE ME!

PATS -14 over Raiders
No comment.

San Fran -3 over ARIZONA
I mean I'd need at least a TD to side with Drew fucking Stanton. The Giants self-destructed last week. Stanton was awful to slightly less awful at best. Who heads butt a woman?

Denver +5 over SEATTLE
Give me those Peyton Manning seeking revenge points!!! I got $100 that says Peyton practiced this whole week using 747 engine turbines to mimic the decibel level in Seattle. Welker back. Even he doesn't catch a ball he will make a difference. How is this game not on primetime either Sunday or Monday night? Jets-Bears / Carolina-Pittsburgh?

Cheifs +4 over FINS
When in doubt take the points. Both teams scuffling.

CAROLINA -2 over Burgh
Dat D.

JETS -2.5 over Bears
Aren't the Bears shitty vs. the run? Isn't the run the Jets strongest look?

Better Than El Pad's Weekly Betting Advice

I gotta ask. You guys ever knock one out in the woman's room at work?  I'd do it every day if it wasn't for all these laws about lewd acts.  It's retarded that a guy can't just rub one out whenever or wherever he wants.

I've been eating bratwurst almost every day since some time in July.  I don't mind though.  Twenty pounds of brats for $20 is a tremendous savings on food.  I'm not having much variety, but fuck it, cheap food.  You all know by now how I feel about paying for food.

Fucking Broors.  I can't believe they were 19 games over .500 this season.  As of typing this, they sit at 6 over.  Weird thing is I feel better about the Brewers taking over the division lead than I do about them making the play-in game.  It's dumb, but that's how I feel.  Also, I really like Matt Clark.  I know, SSS, but he was raking it in AAA.  Speaking of AAA, the Brewers got fucked over by Nashville, and now the AAA club is stuck in fucking Colorado Springs for at least two years.  Yeah, that's not going to ruin our pitching prospects.

HOLY SHIT, those Buccaneers uniforms are horrific.  Tem, WFT?

Speaking of the Bucs, Tem, can you give us the story of how or why you're a Buccaneers fan in the comments?

I think that's enough, on to my picks.  I'm using the current MGM Mirage lines.

San Diego +2.5 over BUFFALO
How on earth are the Bills favored in this game?

Dallas +1 over ST LOUIS
I understand that the Cowboys defense stinks, but the Rams -1 without Tavon Austin?  Not buying it.

Skins +6.5 over Philly
Taking a flyer on this one.  Washington can control the pace if they run the offense through Alfie Mo.

GIANTS +2.5 over Houston
LP says the Giants stink. I'm rooting for some kind of a shootout here.  Get Victor the Rock.  Fantasy reasons.

SAINTS -10 over Minnesota
I just think the Saints are gonna peterroll the Vikes.

Titans +7 over BENGALS
Just a feeling.  Jake Locker doesn't actually suck, and AJ Green might not play.

Baltimore -1 over BROWNS
Flacco, Smith, Smith, Pitta, Daniels.  That should be enough.


Ted Norris rules

LIONS! -2.5 over Green Bay
Fuck the Packers.  47-17

Andy Luck is awesome, the Jags are dreadful

NEW ENGLAND -14 over Oakland
Awful West Coast team traveling all the way east.  They're cooked.

San Fran -3 over ARIZONA
Because San Fran vs Arizona

SEATTLE -5 over Denver
Crowd's gonna be hyped, and the Hawks are gonna be amped to show the Super Bowl was no fluke.

Kansas City +4 over THE FISH*
How the fuck are the Dolphins favored by over a field goal in this game?

CAROLINA -3 over Pittsburgh
Cam & 'em might could mollywop the Stillers.  Panthers are damn good.

Bears +3 over JETS
The Jets stink.  Let's be real here.  And I'm starting Cutty over Peyton in the Brew Crew Ball league.

Well, there it is, LP.  Your turn.

Friday, September 12, 2014

El Pad's Weekly Betting Advice

First some randomness. How hard is it to eat no carbs for breakfast and why would someone choose to do that? Further let's say you didn't like eggs? Or egg whites. That makes it almost impossible right? Also for the working man who doesn't eat breakfast at home it's really hard to do that.

What's the deal with vitamins? Do you guys take a multi vitamin? How come the kinds available are priced so different? Like shouldn't all vitamins be about the same price. I mean if they all contain vitamins wouldn't you think they would get sourced in a similar way? Maybe it's because a brand like Nature's Way contains more natural additives than say Centrum which may or may not contain pulverized sheet metal bits. I feel I get enough vitamins or my daily allowance of vitamins through my meals but I'm probably dead wrong about that. My Dr. tried to sell me on Vita-Lea brand vitamins. They are like $30. He must be in bed with the sales rep or something.

Wife is funny, she's obsessed with everything about Fall season but Football. We got pumpkin candles all over the place, I saw the Halloween decoration tote in the hallway which means they'll be up soon. She's pumped. Then, football is on today too? So it's on Thursday now? Sunday and Monday? (And Satruday if you count college) R A, R?

unto my picks......Think Keef pointed out to everyone it was a rough first week. Still getting to know some teams. I got 5-11. Oof.

Miami -1 over BUFFARRO
Interesting game to pick considering both teams were impressive in Week one victories. Dolphins riding a high of beating the Pats pretty handily in their home opener and the Bills coming off an impressive overtime win on the road. A game I figured the Bears would easily win. So either the Bears have some kinks to work out including not getting manhandles at home or they aren't as good as I thought or the Bills are better than I thought. Fins win was more impressive and I like the way they ran the ball with the re-tooled offensive line. Think they pack their defense with them and beat Buffalo pretty good Sunday.

Jax +5.5 over SKINS
Is this line for real? How is it already assumed the Redskins are better than the Jaguars? Does it have something to do with allowing 34 straight points to the Eagles last week? Did anyone making the lines in Vegas watch the Redskins play last week? They were brutal. Anemic on offense. The torches for RGIII's head will be organizing soon enough.

TITANS -3.5 over Dallas
Hard to pick Dallas on the road with the stench from that home fart still lingering. Locker looked VERY good. Eager to see if it continues.

Arizona -3 over GIANTS
Hard to pick the Giants anywhere knowing they still have no fucking idea what to do on offense. I don't know why they think moving Eli around is a good idea. And when he drops back a pocket to throw from would be nice. I don't want to talk about it anymore I'm fittin' to throw a lamp.

New England -3 over MINNY
Impressive win for Minnesota but it could be the Rams, down to the 3rd stringer at QB, were just really bad. I don't feel like looking up the last time the Pats had back to back losses (in the same season) but I'm sure it was probably a long time ago and I'm sure Belichick/Brady combo is something stupid like 32-1 after a loss.

New Orleans -7 over BROWNS
First, looks like Josh Gordon is back soon ehough which fuck man I should have wasted a pick on him at some point but who knew? Second Rob Ryan's defense got record setting torched last week. The Browns don't have that kind of fire power so look for them to take it out on them and roll up some crooked numbers. NO D is a solid fantasy play this week IMO.

Falcons +5 over CINCY
Matt Ryan was surgical last week. I think the Bengals eek out a win but not by the spread. They will need to run the ball and control time of possession.....feed Jeremy Hill more. He hungry.

CAROLINA -2.5 over Detroit
The Lions looked great but the Giants played awfully poor for us to annoint Detroit. Cam is back. Kelvin Benjamin could be the playmaker I have been asking Carolina to develop/draft.....stay tuned. As a side note Greg Hardy is playing, he was found guilty by a judge for beating and choking his then girlfriend. He appealed so it's now pending a court date for trial by jury (that seems backwards) but anyway until he wins/loses the appeal both the NFL and Carolina organization are allowing him to play. Seems like a poor choice. If I'm Carolina don't I set an example to the league and to the fans and community by not allowing Greg to play? Even if it's a few games. It doesn't seem appropiate to let him play.....

TAMPA -6 over Rams
Can't take Rams right now. I imagine they will play better because it can't get any worse than last week but how much better? Also Bucs, please give Bobby Rainey the ball more. Make a "Sproles" package for him or something.

Seattle -6 over CHARGERS
I think I'm taking Seattle every week. They'll probably be giving every week and will probably have a winning record ATS.

Houston -2.5 over RAIDERS
Oakland looked pretty awful. J.J. Watt is impossible. He should be in the Avengers.

Jets +8 over GREEN BAY
New York seems stout enough on D to hang around in this one. Give Rodgers and company some fits early. Millner is back (not that I'm high on him but he is their #1 CB). Geno on the road, just in general, is a scary thought but spotting a good defensive team with 8 points that can run the ball 50 times...... i'm taking the points.

DENVER -13 over Cheifs
Denver O kind of sputtered at times. Particuarly in the second half. Thought the defense played pretty good. The Cheifs are like 2-9 since starting last season 9-0 or something like that. Losing Derrick Johnson is no bueno. Manning has racked up some gaudy #'s vs. the Cheifs and I see no reason why this game will be any different.

Bears +7 over NINERS
Bears should be able to move the ball on San Fran and be in this one all the way. I know it's the home opener in a new stadium on primetime but that's motivation for the Bears too.

INDY -3 over Eagles
Luck going to carve through the Eagles on Monday night. Give me that over 53.5 too.

Friday, September 05, 2014

El PAD's weekly bets


Simmons nailed it. Goodell is a joke but nothing he could ever do will pull us away from this game. Anyone boycotting the season because Ray Ray went Ike on his fiancé? Didn't think so. A child could be raped on the Dallas Star at midfield and the next week the NFL will get top ratings. It's a machine. Perhaps this is Al-Qaeda sending subliminal messages. Perhaps.

Weekly Betting. Can someone keep track of the record? Or is that supposed to be me?

Should I go back to choice bets or bet em all?

Your choice. Respond in the comments (why am I acting like more than 3 people read this?)

Ok, first week I'll hit all out the box but maybe choice, or alternate or whatever Im feeling that week since I'm the only one that fucking posts anyway.



Saints -3 @ ATLANTA
I saw Hard Knocks. Falcons are still soft. And they still have no one to cover Graham.

RAMS -3 over Vikes
Rams D can beat a team like Minnesota at home. They'll score enough. Heard Mike Sam likes cock.

Browns +7 over STEELERS
I don't like the Steelers this year, I've said this. I think they struggle similar to last year out the gate. I say they win this contest but not by a TD. Joe Haden is sneaky a top 3 corner. Yeah I said 3. 3.

Jags +10.5 over PHILLY
That Gus Bradley enthusiasm has reached Brooklyn. Jags scare the Birds.

JETS -5.5 over Oakland
I like the JETS this year. Geno sucks sheep ass but dat d will keep em relevant late in the year. They squash Oakland.

Cincy -1 over RAVENS
Tough call but if the Bengals are going to be a threat in the AFC they have to win within the division on the road. Eager to see the smashmouth running game they are promising.

BEARS -7 over Bills
Lock of the year. The Bills have looked atrocious. They already tuned out Marrone and the swirling ownership thing is a problem. Bears may drop 40.

Skins -3 over HOUSTON
I think RGIII will be in the pocket as long as the rush isn't coming. Can't walk away from the kids instincts. He will for sure miss some games this year. He makes plays with his legs in this one to squeak out a win.

CHEIFS -3 over Titans
Wanted to go Titans here but a home opener in Arrowhead is up there. Tall task for the whizzantors.

Pats -4 over FINS
No one is mentioning at least that I've heard about NE's defense. It's going to be stout this year.

BUCS -2.5 over Cam
No secret the world expects the Panthers to regress. Again do they have any wide receivers. Have I ranted yet on how they never have anyone in support of Cam on the outside? Bucs still have work to do, some people I saw picked them to compete for the division, I don't see it but whatever. Cover 2 has been around since TP was a toddler.

Niners -4 over COWBOYS
Have you read the Cowboys depth chart for their defense? Does Jerry know he has to draft and develop both sides of the ball? Is he already in Al Davis territory? God I hope he lives to be 120.

DENVER -7.5 over Colts
All day. Can the Colts protect Luck, on the road, vs. Von Miller and Demarcus Ware?

Giants +5.5 over LIONS
Just hoping Eli's confused face all pre-season was constipation.

Chargers +3 over ARIZONA
Take the over.

Red Zone here I come.

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"

"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem

"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug

"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino

"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H

"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino

"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino