Friday, May 31, 2013

Is that crazy enough for ya'? Want me to take a shit on the floor?

Man Chalmers is such a cunt.

Question. 
How many months will it take for Udonis Haslem to be charged with a crime once his basketball career is over?

Do they really need more flavored Vodkas out there?  What is the deal with that.  I understand like a line of a couple but who the fuck is rocking whipped cream Vodka or Cotton Candy Vodka?  Why don't we just come out with ice cream flavors for Vodkas.  Lemme get a cookies and cream vodka.  Hit me with a butter pecan vodka.

I wanna punch Will Smiths kid in the mouth.

Did my part for the Jersey Shore.  Bought some amusement park tickets - like a booklet.  Will be spending cash in Point Pleasent often enough this summer.

Suck cock Yankee fans.  Just got sah-wept by the shittiest Mets team since 1990.

Pretty sure no one listens to Erik Spolestra in those miked up huddles.

Orange Gatorade is the bomb.

Spurs be resting yo.

Grown Ups 2?  Seriously?



Thursday, May 30, 2013

Blackhawks!!!

Good game! They almost had it stolen from them, but a suite OT goal sealed it! It was good times tonight, my brothers and I all got together at BW2 to watch the game. We don't get to hang out as much as we used to, so its always nice to catch a game with them.

Sports bar stuff...watching the Blackhawks game with my brothers and after the Wings tied it up there was a group of Wings fans who had to clap loud for every play that went in the Wings way...everything! I find that annoying in a sports bar. You don't have to cheer for every yard, tackle, pass, strike, etc that your team gets. Take a sip of beer and chill out.

Blue, have you ever been to Red Rocks Amphitheater? Its on my bucket list for sure! There was a Texas Country concert last weekend there...I DVRd it...good stuff! Wade Bowen, Randy Rogers Band, Stoney Larue, and Casey Donahew Band.

Its summer time...go!



Wednesday, May 29, 2013

JOEY

I don't understand why people don't like Joey Crawford.  He's got the onions to call the game fairly.  I guarantee you he would have called the offensive foul on Jordan in game 6 against the Jazz.

The Miami Heat need to find Chris Bosh because Roy Hibbert is destroying him.

Pacers/Heat has been an entertaining series.  Imagine if Danny Granger was healthy..

I went to a going away party on Saturday night and got wrecked.  Drank way way too much tequila, by the end of the night I was mixing it with whatever I could find, which was typically ginger beer.  As awful as that sounds it tasted great.    Walked home and paid the babysitter, then proceeded to go upstairs and puke my guts out.  Haven't done that in years, it felt great.  The best part was cmblue came home a little while later to me passed out on the bathroom floor and the kids kind of running around the house. She thought it was pretty funny.  Anyway, I asked dob1 the next day if she knew that I had gotten sick, and she said "no, I just thought you were in there fixing the toilet".  Gotta love kids


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Tuesdays

Effing Holiday Tuesdays get me every freaking time.


UFC KO kick was sweet. Main event was predictable. Gray Maynard losing was surprising. Especially the manner in which he lost.



Effing Grizzlies. I bought a shirt, they lost 4 in a row. I should have fan bases pay me money to cheer for the other teams.



Guy at work thinks he is getting a big bonus for doing nothing. He'll probably get it. Working for a family is fun stuff. I need to get on this bonus for nothing train. Hmmm, probably won't make waves. Waves are bad.


This is all I have in me for the day. I'm OK with simming the NCAA, Blue and I are never going to play. I didn't even text him or email him. We need to finish out the season though, Keith put a lot of effort into it. He can play the winner of me and Blue for the title.

Friday, May 24, 2013

He better be worth it. He better go home and cure a disease, or invent a longer-lasting light bulb.

I hate chalk.

Happy Fast & Furois Friday. 
Remember when Vin Diesel scoffed at doing more Fast & Furious's?  That was cute. 

30 for 30's are great.

Pacer fans are weird.

I don't want to rush life but how swell do you think Grandchildren are?  Must be cool.

I don't wear pink shirts.  Just FYI.  Not even on vacation.

Can't wait until all your kids arrive.
God Bless.

Ricotta is magic.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Urlacher

Welcome back, Mize!

I saw a special on this printing technology...very cool stuff! Way to go science!!!

I hate to see the Urlacher era come to an end, but I'm glad he didn't end up on another team just to come off the bench. Hall of Fame!

Gross

Tonight I'm going here to see these guys. Good times.

Aitch...I owe you a name and pic...still looking for one. I'll get it sometime today.

Go!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Phil Jackson

I would pay to go see this guy talk.  He should be the Tony Robbins of the NBA, just go around giving lectures and motivationally speaking.

Is motivationally a word?  If not, I just made it up.

New potential investors are in the office today, means I had to comb my hairs and wear decent clothes.  I don't like this new me. (I even shaved)

I think i'm going to go see Hangover III this weekend.  I don't know if I am, but I think I will.

cmblue axed* me why I've been drinking so much lately.   Not that i'm drinking more often, just that i'm drinking more...She obviously didn't mind having the in-laws visiting for the last 2 weeks, by the end, I had to EP medicate.

Sports

Spurs showed they still have some gusto.  I don't know what gusto is, but they've got it.  Grizzlies were the 5 seed, and are playing like they were the 5 seed. Honestly, the Warriors were a better matchup for the spurs, and the thunder and nuggets would have been a better matchup.  The Grizz are playing the spurs kind of basketball.  You can't bullshit a bullshitter, and you can't play half court grind it out against the spurs.

Cavs won the draft lottery.  I guess they won't take Trey Burke because they already have uncle drew.  Maybe they can get Greg Oden

Mets suck

Rockies suck

Charles Woodson proved that all he cares about at this point is a paycheck.  Had an offer from the broncos, instead chose to go live near his winery (yes he owns a winery <a href="http://www.twentyfourwines.com/">here</a>) and play for the Raiders.  They'll win, what, 4 games next year.  He was pushing hard to get signed by the niners, I guess he really just wanted to live in the bay area.

Kevin Durant proves that he's the coolest dude in town.  He's the anti-LeBron.  He's the anti-kobe.  I doubt he'll ever leave OKC.

Interesting thing I read about Phil Jackson, if that group from Seattle had bought the Kings, he was offered any job he wanted with the organization.  So basically, he was trying to screw Sacramento again. He's about the most hated person, ever, in the history of Sacramento from the "rivalry" they had with the lakers in the late 90's early 00's.  I put rivalry in quotes because i'm not sure a rivalry can be one-sided.  But I really used to enjoy him wearing ear plugs at Arco Arena as the people behind him rang cowbells the entire game.

Hey Jim Boeheim, I realize that Melo gave you your only championship, so you're loyal to your guy.  But understand, Melo doesn't lead teams to championships, he doesn't need a better supporting cast, he needs somebody to lead the team for him.  Is Melo the most overrated player in the NBA?  He's in the conversation with the Dwight Howards and Blake Griffins and Chris Bosh's of the league.  He's probably less overrated than Bosh or Griffin, but in the same category as Howard....and maybe Derrick Rose (yeah, I said it you pussy).






Monday, May 20, 2013

Stuff and Meiz Tribute

So let's do the stuff first.

Hockey
Pens gave away a game. At least the backup goalie looked good for most of the game. The last 3 games I thought he was shoddy. But he stepped it up a bit. Giving up a short handed goal with less than a minute left in the game has to sting the nostrils though.

NFL News
Megatron had hurt fingers in 2012. Of course he did, he is a receiver, your fingers hurt all the time. And he caught a lot of freaking passes. I bet Stafford has a sore arm too.

They are saying the draft is going to move to May....why do they want more time between the Super Bowl and football stuff? eff that. I want year round NFL stuff. Quit moving stuff back.


MLB
Apparently Texas and St. Louis are good. Pirates are doing well but they seem to pre-august. I guess it is only a matter of time before they lose 20 out of 25 or something like that.

Washington and San Francisco have winning records even though they have negative run differential.

Houston must be really bad.


NBA

Freak would be excited about the Pacers if he liked them. I don't remember if he does or not. Whatever. I am a Grizzlies fan now. I bought a shirt and they promptly went out and got beat by like 30. I am a terrible fan to have I guess. If I jump on your bandwagon you are fucked.

Bandwagon

Speaking of bandwagon, here are my UFC picks:

Cain destroys Big Foot in about 3 minutes or less.

Dos Santos destroys Hunt in about 5 minutes.

Gray Maynard wins a decision.

Cowboy beats Noons in a decision.

Pyle defeats Story
Bermudez defeats Holloway
Smith defeats Whittaker
guy I don't know defeats guy I don't know
guy I don't know defeats guy I don't know
Bowles defeats Roop
Payan defeats Stephens (this is my stone cone lock to be wrong on)




Retarded
So why can't Joe Flacco say the word "retard."? What is wrong with that? He said a Super Bowl in Jersey is retarded....it is. You can say things are retarded, that's the point of the word. Saying a person is retarded is an insult. I can say there is a chink in the armor, but I can't call some guy a chink. I can say that the crayon is yellow, but I can't say that Jackie Chan is a yellow person. Back off of Joe Flacco. Lambeau should get it before New York.



Speaking of retarded, here is a retarded video I made.

Video



Meiz

LOV will definitely miss Meiz. I never thought he'd just up and quit. It's a bold move Cotton, but I guess we'll just have to find Mills and get him back or something. Oh, if you didn't click on the link it is a tribute video for Meiz. I figure I probably broke some copyright laws or something. I don't know. I probably made people mad too. If you want it taken down just quit the blog and I'll take it down. In any case, I do hope Meiz comes back. If he doesn't though I'll always have Facebook, unless I get unfriended.


Oh and I hit publish on Monday night...oops. I don't know how to unpublish it.

TRT Belfort

also

Friday, May 17, 2013

Our Father, Art, who is up in Heaven. Aloe Vera be thy name. The thigh...

Fucking R&B growing up was so gangsta.  Fucking Jodeci made panties wet.  Made it easy for a dork like me to make out with bitches.

Instead of using Triple sec for your Margaritas try motherfucking Grand Mariner.  You can also sip it so it has two uses, it makes for a lovely after dinner cordial.  Your welcome.

Every job I erve had I got moved up.  Promoted to head bartender been working like a beast.  Basically three spots away from Matre'd which is most peoples careers.  BEAST

My first job I was a busboy, then waiter within 3 weeks cuz I was beasting as a bus boy. 
Then Publix, went from bagger to overnight supervisor.
Then Walgreens, went from stock kid and register person to Shift Supervisor.
Then Rite-Aid same deal.  Add in asst. maanger shittin on shift supervisors faces.
Then my first street job was an entry level clerk for 4 months, promoted then handed the biggest region we supported. (Northeast duh)
Then got a job supporting the Ops manager at a branch after my company merged (Pru/Wachovia) which was a position that was unheard of for like a 24 year old.  I was slapping brokers in the face.
Now here, promoted three seperate times.

I just crush work.  Fucking love this country. USA USA USA!

Been ordering my shirts from London.  Like a BOSS. 
CHARLES TYRWHITT a master British tailor.
CTSHIRTS.COM playa.  Slim fit, button cuff, classic collar.  Fux wit me.

Fairway is my spot in Red Hook best market in town.  They only sell Prime beef and when they put it on sale I load up.  Eating like a god damn king at home.

God my life is awesome. 

I'm awesome.

If only I could get my wife to buy into the I'm awesome thing. 

Thursday, May 16, 2013

phone post

I don't like posting from my phone.

Glad H had a good time at the show last night. Tell us some stories.

Bulls out...fun team to watch and root for.

Blackhawks win...suite!

I saw a stat the other day that said the Astros are on pace to lose 119 games and have a -377 run differential. Ouch!

Go!

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

867-5309

That's Jenny's number.

Warriors suck.  Fucking spurs, I hate them and all they do is win.

Knicks suck.  Pacers should be able to give the Heat at least a 5 game series, right?  Roy Hibbert?  George Hill?  c'mon man.  Paul "Boy" George?

This was my main problem with Carmelo in the playoffs, the defense gets better so his shooting stats decrease, but he keeps shooting and taking bad shots.  JR is the same.  JR smith should be dunking on fools everytime he gets the ball.

The Rockies are who we thought they were.  A sucky team. 

When does NFL training camp start...July can't get here fast enough

fucking macklemore hates the OKC thunder.  I guess the thunder just don't like hip-hop, they wouldn't give weezy courtside seats last year, and now they go and mess with the plain white rapper?

Patrick Willis killed a snake in his back yard.  Now I guess he's a monster.  If there's a snake that size in my back yard, i'm calling the national guard to get that sumbitch outta here.  Shoot it, taze it, chop it's head off, I don't care, just get it away from my yard.

So FoxSports is going to try the national sports channel thing again.  Calling it FoxSports1, to compete directly with ESPN.  Apparently they got some funny hosers from Canada to host their "sportscenter" type show in the evenings.  I'll consider it a real threat to ESPN when they get some decent sports contracts.  If they win the Thursday night football bidding war, or MNF.  Or they start picking up the NBA or MLB games.  When they used to have a national channel they had that show with like 4 dudes hanging out talking about sports.  John Salley was one of the dudes, can't remember anyone else, maybe john Kruk? 

I'm still shook by Angelina Jolie cutting of her boobies.  Boobies should be celebrated, not mutilated.  She's just a weird chick, and this is why she'll never be in my top 5.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

328,150

328,150 is the amount in cell H10 on our loan draw. I know you all are super excited.

NBA

So the NBA defensive player of the year is only second team all defensive player? What? He's the best overall, but we are going to put him on the 2nd team. Makes sense to me.

Also, read an article that was saying the Spoelstra (sp?) is one of the best coaches in the league? 2yrs ago he was shit and terrible. He wins a title with a stacked team and now he is one of the best? Fucking media.


sayings on my cork board thing in my office

Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything

This is 100% accurate. I hate fucking meetings. All they do is waste time and put too many cooks in the kitchen. Everyone thinks they need to contribute. Guess what, not everyone gets a say and not everyone even gets to have an opinion. Sometimes you get invited to meetings because there is bitch work that needs assigned and you need to be there to get it assigned to you. If you go into a meeting and you don't know what it is for it is because someone is going to assign you bitch work. Don't think you need to contribute. Just get your assignment and do it.

A banker is a person who is willing to make a loan if you present sufficient evidence to show you don't need it

80% accurate. Most of the time it seems this way, but really what the bank is trying to prove is that you have enough cash to pay it back and then the property is worth enough to pay it back again. They basically want about 200 to 300 % coverage on this shit. It is annoying.

When two men in a business always agree, one of them is unneccessary

This one is to remind me not to always agree with the big bossman. Sometimes you have to disagree just to disagree. Picking your spots is part science and part art.


Fortune Cookies on by board

Time to collect those good
Be an optimist. There does not seem too much being anything else.
Only talent people get help from others.


These prove that El Pad writes fortunes on the side.


Friday, May 10, 2013

Thought I'd come out here and try my swimming legs. But Lt. Dan you ain't got no legs.

May 10th, 2018 - What will we all be doing?

Can't believe I have a daughter that will one day be in the hands of another man.  Fuck that shit.  I got some Scarface sister hate somewhere deep in my belly.

I took the batteries out of my smoke alarm.  Living dangerously.

You know what chaps my ass?  Having to have all these store key card things on my keys in order to save a few bucks at the local pharmacies/supermarkets.  Put something on sale for everyone.  Fuck this store club shit.  It's corny.

This OJ is on sale $1.99.

Only if you have a club card sir.

Suck my dick you lil whore. (in my mind)  ::hands over club store card key thing::

I saw two red heads on the way home so now i'm fantasizing about boning a red head chick.  That pootie is probably mad pink.  Love that.  Maybe bussanut on the red pubes.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

I guess were done

You ever see a pregnant chick and immediately start to think of how she got fucked the day that fetus was conceived?  Like you start to wonder if she was on top or doggy or missionary or was it a spur of the moment lust fuck up against a wall.  Or maybe it was planned with candles in the bedroom some real love making type shit.  I always drift off thinking these things when I see a pregnant chick.

Like I want to literally know how that happened. 

I'm the only one right?  I'm sick.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Dentist

i have a dentist appointment this morning.  It means i get to take the whole day off of work

pacers did not look good in the 4th quarter, the griz did

This abduction story in temhio gets stranger and stranger.  Now it comes out that the dude's kids were like best friends with one of the chicks.  How do the kids not know he's got these women trapped in his house?  Don't they ever visit their dad?

I also like how a bunch of neighbors are now saying, yeah we called the cops a few times about that guy.  Yet there isn't any record.  Either the cleveland PD is awful (possible) or there are some neighbors really jealous of Charles Ramsey's new found fame.

"you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?"  one of my favorite movie lines

I didn't see any of SNL last week with Zach Galifianakis...did I miss anything?  Oh wait, NBC will show it again because they don't have enough shows to fill out their primetime lineup.

Speaking of primetime...since when do all the shows end at different times during the year.  It's like there is a different season finale every week from February through May.

My mother in law is here for the next two weeks, it should be a blast (s)

I think I might be rooting for the warriors and stephanie curry in the playoffs now.  Warriors/Griz western conference finals would be fun.

Tiger wouldn't phone in a rules violation if he saw one.  Do you really think he watches golf during his time off?  I doubt it.  He's too busy banging chicks and being awesome. Plus he plays in the tournaments that are worth watching.  all that being said, i bet he knew he cheated on that drop, just sayin.  Normal tournaments have officials right there, and the players ask where they can place their drop...whatever.  Not sure why the masters doesn't have that.

Maybe phil jackson would be interested in coaching the nuggets



Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Frogs don't hop on the moon

Sorry for the delayed post. I had to go have blood drawn because my liver something something was a little high in January. We'll see how it goes today. Well actually tomorrow because that is when they will call me. In any case there was an elderly couple arguing over which Big Bang Theory character was which. They were looking at a TV guide or something with the girls from the show on the cover. At one point they agreed that all 3 girls were Bernadette. Old people are entertaining.


tem vs sayings

Don't judge a book by its cover

Why not? What else am I supposed to judge it by? The whole purpose of the cover is to give me a glimpse of what is inside that book. I say, don't put a shitty cover on a good book. If you want me to read your book make the cover a good one. And if you think that you have such a good book that you don't need to put effort in on the cover then eff you. A little effort is always appreciated. A good book with a shitty cover just thinks it is better than me. It doesn't have to try to get people to read it. Eff that book.


Don't put all your eggs in one basket

I think this is stolen from Family Guy, but seriously, what am I supposed to do? Use one egg per basket and that just seems silly. The whole point of the basket is to store the eggs.


A piece of cake

So it's just sitting out there all free looking and I am going to take it and get yelled at?? Screw that. I know that a piece of cake is just a trap.


Curiosity Killed The Cat

Yeah and satisfaction brought it back.




Bulls

That was surprising. Golden State was almost surprising but they weren't. But the Bulls pulled out a big one. Now they will probably lose 4 straight. I wonder if they go up 3-0 if Rose will come back and then they will lose 4 straight. That would be gold.



Dilbert

this one

I don't get that Dilbert comic.



El Tardo

He now takes 4 weeks to write one column. See: trade value column.


NBA

Seattle should just start a new team with Free Agents. Dwight Howard, Chris Paul, and then some other people. They'd be good enough.

Monday, May 06, 2013

loss of credibility

What has happened to this place?  Was zeke the glue that kept it all together.  Maybe it was beth

Now we can't even get a Monday post?

I blame osama bin laden.  ever since we shot that guy it's been all downhill.

Friday, May 03, 2013

Take the gun. Leave the canolis.

What the fuck is PJ Carlesimo wearing.  Get a new suit bro.

It's funny to me when the west coast teams and the crowds play the chant defense.  The nuggs and warriors are zipping all over the place I don't think i've seen a real half court set yet from either team.

Best thing about HBO isn't the new shit they air it's the re-runs of The Sopranos, HBO GO for The Wire and Eastbound re-runs.

Fucking toys all over this place damn kids don't even play with them.

My fucking sister and mother guilt tripping me over not visiting them.  Mother lives off the side of a fucking rock in bullsdick Franklin, NC ain't a damn thing going on over there.  Sister lives in Rock Hill, SC not much better I got Google Maps bro.  Chances are I'll end up doing it because I want to see my nieces and my kids should like see them once in awhile I guess.  Fuck.

Fuck.
FUCK.

Before breath strips there was Binaca.

I can go for a plate of pignolis right now.

and a blowjob...

Man cookies and a blowjob sounds fucking incredible right now. 

Thursday, May 02, 2013

Knicks...HA!

Nice work with the funeral suits last knight* knicks. FACE!

I don't have a lot to say today...TPS sucks!

Go!

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

too much snow

fucking snowing again.

i guess on average we get snow 9 months out of the year...fucking averages

my left elbow hurts, no idea why

nuggets won, should have won by more.  Now Mark Jackson is calling them dirty, which is the dumbest statement of all time.  I think they should be a little bit tougher on Steph Curry and it seemed to work last night.  It's the playoffs, but dirty, that's just not true.

i'm late so my wonderful prose will have to wait for another day.

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino