Wednesday, September 05, 2012

AFC Preview spectacular

AFC (l)EAST

This is the bullshit division of football.  You have the Patriots and a bunch of stupid morons.

Patriots - (13-3)  Of course they win the division, who is going to challenge them?  Their defense is awful and the fact that they get to coast for 8 games a year means they typically aren't ready for the playoffs, but whatever.  This season will be no different.  They don't have the law firm, they don't have deion branch, but they have the two best TEs in football, and a slightly pissed off welker....and Brady.

Bills - (7-9) Fitzmagic sucks.  Dude got paid after like 5 good games.  He and Matt Cassell can sit around and talk about how great it is to be a QB.  They added a lot of pieces in the off season, but Mario Williams seems to never stay healthy and not sure how he'll enjoy the cold weather.  Their D-Line is stout though, and I like Stevie and Freddy.  If they won 9 games i wouldn't be surprised

Dolphins - (6-10) Matt Moore will start at least 4 games this season.  Tannehill doesn't even know what division the teams are in.  Mike Sherman is back in the NFL, but has no weapons beyond Reggie.  Their defense sucks, their offense will be worse.  Joe Philbin should have tried to replace his cousin Regis and sit next to Kelly Ripa, instead of letting Mike Strahan get the gig.  Now his son is dead (too soon?) and he has a shitty team.  Why isn't this team in the South?  They'd have a natural rivalry with the Jags and that would be good for football.

Jets - (5-11) Rex Ryan will stick with Sanchez, until they are 1-8, then Tebow will finish up the season 4-3, and the JETS will trade Sanchez in the offseason.  As someone who saw the circus that is Tebow first hand last year, it will be difficult for Sanchez not to feel the pressure.  Scotty Mcknight is dating that chick from Heroes that's on that new country show that Tem will watch "Nashville" or something.  Hayden Pantysomething.  Not sure how that is relevant, but he went to CU and is best friends with Sanchez, but i'm not sure if he even made the team this year.

AFC NORTH

Ravens - (11-5) Flacco is almost there.  They'll miss Suggs for sure, and Ed Reed is getting older, but I think the division is slipping a little this year which opens the door up.  They have the best RB on the planet and a solid OL.  Good core of WR and the defense is still dependable.  There isn't really anything that you shouldn't like about this team, other than Flacco.

Steelers - (9-7) I bet that by week 5 there's a mutiny against Todd Haley.  The Steelers don't have a RB that is healthy and they want to move back to ground and pound football.  Haley was really dynamic as the OC in Arizona, so lets see how his fiery demeanor works with Rapelsberger.  The defense is getting older, Mike Wallace sat out the entire preseason (probably pissed about not being on 60 minutes anymore) so will probably pull a hamstring in week 1.  Their OL is awful, and Ben will have some struggles with the new offense.

Browns - (8-8) I don't know why.  Maybe it's because I believe in Weeden.  Maybe Trent Richardson will ever get healthy, maybe just because.  I don't know anything about this team other than their best player just got suspended for 4 games for violating the substance abuse policy.  Oh, Joe Thomas is their best player?  well, some guy that isn't an OL got suspended.

Cincy - (6-10) I don't believe in the red headed douchebag.  I do believe in AJ green.  I don't believe in Benjarvus Green-Ellis.  Their defense will be OK, but like always, they've never made the playoffs in back to back seasons, and it doesn't start this year.  The marvin hot seat watch starts about week 8.

AFC SOUTH

What a shitty division.  Fuck the AFC and all their shitty teams/divisions.

Houston - (11-5) Arian Foster stays healthy.  Andre Johnson stays healthy.  Matt Schuab stays healthy.  If all this happens, they easily win 11 games.  Shit they won a playoff game with their 3rd string QB last year, didn't they? Or did they lose, I don't remember.  Either way, they're pretty good.  Kubiak is a solid coach.

Indy - (8-8)  Does this mean that I believe in Andrew Luck?  I guess it does because that's about the only shit they have on this team.

Tennessee - (7-9)  Jake Locker does his best Tebow impersonation.  They'll run some spread option.  They'll get CJ2k about 1,700 yards.  But in the end Locker isn't good enough to win enough this season.  I like them next year.

Jacksonville - (2-14)  Hello Matt Barkley.  Move the team to LA.  Have MJD and Barkley open up next season at the Coliseum.  This team is awful.  MJD gets hurt early and never gets on track this season.

AFC WEST

Another shit-hole division.

Broncos - (11-5)  They have a tough schedule.  But they have the best defense in the division.  They have the best QB in the division.  They have the best WR group in the division.  If Manning can get this team ahead by 10+ points early, look out because Dumervil and Miller coming off the edge is an awesome sight, and the guy they drafted, Wolfe, is a stud in the making as a hybrid DT/DE.  They're trying to build a d-line like the Giants and are about 50% of the way there.  They still have Champ, but the safeties suck, and their linebackers suck (excluding Von Miller).  So they have holes, but Peyton can fix all that.

Chiefs - (9-7)  They get Jamaal Charles back, which is nice.  They signed Peyton Hillis, which is nice. They get that TE back who is like Maeuaku or something, which is nice.  They have Matt Cassell back...that's where it all goes wrong.  He sucks.  Romeo Crennel gets this team to play for him.  They have a solid defense, and Tamba Hali is a stud OLB.  They lost 2 good guys in the secondary though, and they suck.

Chargers - (8-8) Philip Rivers should have a good season.  I'm guessing that Gates stays healthy, but Mathews does not.  The defense isn't any good anymore.  Honestly without Rivers, they win maybe 2 games.

Raiders - (4-12) If McFadden stays healthy, they maybe win 7 games.  Dennis Allen is in over his head here.  He's got a QB that is way over the hill, but has some decent weapons to throw to. The defense is OK.  I'd like to think they're in rebuilding mode, but i'm not even sure what their plan is.  They didn't have a 1st round pick this year, and they won't next year either. 

Playoffs
Wild Cards - Steelers and Chiefs

1st round - Broncos over Chiefs  
                    Ravens over Steelers
2nd round - Broncos over Texans
                     Ravens over Patriots
AFC Champs - Ravens over Broncos

I don't remember who El Padrino had winning the NFC, but they'll beat the Ravens in the Super Bowl ™


127 comments:

Mize said...

Sweet mother of jesus. Kids are allegedly getting an average of $3 per, from the tooth fairy these days. Fuck my generation.

tem said...

Coach tem is off the clock. Not sure what it meant.

El Padrino said...

solid blue

El Padrino said...

i like the cheifs, as a disciple of parcells i bet the run pass ratio of that team is 70/30, field position and defense

this negates cassel's shittyness

and i really like jon baldwin

El Padrino said...

pumped about CJK2, he dropped to 9nth in my league i scooped him like whoa

El Padrino said...

then got mike turner in like round 4

Aitch said...

Pats went to the Superbowl™ last year and improved on both sides of the ball in the offseason, yet you don't think they'll win a playoff game. Interesting.

El Padrino said...

Ravens get it done this time. Lee Evans is not playing.

El Padrino said...

i do think the pats #1 pick will be solid

El Padrino said...

the pass rusher

El Padrino said...

"Pats went to the Superbowl™ last year and improved on both sides of the ball in the offseason, yet you don't think they'll win a playoff game."

Giants WON the Superbowl last year and improved on both sides of the ball and people are picking them to miss the playoffs.

Mize said...

That's because the Giants kinda stink. What are they actually good at?

Mize said...

Plus, nobody likes New Jersey.

El Padrino said...

rushing the passer and throwing the football

the only two things that matter in the NFL these days

just that

nothing else

El Padrino said...

Plus, nobody likes New Jersey.

^^

El Padrino said...

and people like New England?

Aitch said...

" the pass rusher"

Chandler Jones.

Aitch said...

I think his brother is someone famous or something...

(S)

Keef said...

So wait. You have the winner of the South division making the playoffs? Interesting

/LP

Keef said...

Browns won't sniff 8-8

El Padrino said...

that's his balsy bet

Mize said...

"rushing the passer and throwing the football"


Rushing the passer comes & goes from season to season. See also: Packers, Green Bay.

Mize said...

"Kubiak is a solid coach."


KUBIAK

El Padrino said...

"Rushing the passer comes & goes from season to season. See also: Packers, Green Bay"

oh it does? I wouldnt know since the giants russ the passer well every year since mike strahan was drafted

Mize said...

It bugs me that bossman listens in to nearly every conversation I have via radio with our unloaders.

Mize said...

Link or it didn't happen

Aitch said...

" Giants WON the Superbowl last year and improved on both sides of the ball and people are picking them to miss the playoffs."

They lost Manningham, right? Any other major changes?

El Padrino said...

nothing major

Aitch said...

"Rushing the passer comes & goes from season to season. See also: Packers, Green Bay"

JPP is gonna be a McDonald's on that line for a while.

Mize said...

I fuck JPP old country style. Make him humble.

Keef said...

A collection in the Smithsonian Institution has 750,000 pieces of paper money.

Keef said...

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGmen also lost Jacobs & Ballard

El Padrino said...

David Wilson
Martellus Bennett

Ballard was undrafted, turns out Gmen have the best TE coach in football, guy named Mike Pope turns every scrub into a threat/blocking machine

El Padrino said...

let new england collect all the te's

El Padrino said...

they tried out winslow yesterday

El Padrino said...

not sure why the jets dont grab him, keller is hurt i think

El Padrino said...

im seriously thinking of creating a trust fund for my kids in BEAST, Beast and beast stock only

ns

El Padrino said...

fuck this mutual fund shit, there is always an asshole in one of those funds that drag the fund down

Mize said...

Keller is just dinged. He'll be fine.

Mize said...

One of my friends has like 2 trust funds. He gets the big one when he turns 30. Fucker hasn't had a job since 2007.

ns

El Padrino said...

good for him

Mize said...

Wow. I think I just bruised the shit out of my finger.

El Padrino said...

fag

El Padrino said...

iphone 5 next week

Keef said...

Did you hit your colon with it?

Keef said...

mize's finger, not the iphone

Mize said...

No, but I might have dropped a case of paper on it.

El Padrino said...

#whitepeopleproblems

Mize said...

I think you're doing it wrong

Keef said...

had to cancel our trip to a whale's vagina next weekend. woe

El Padrino said...

white people problems

Keef said...

exactly

Mize said...

Closer

tem said...

Canceled trip frees up money for the summit.

Mize said...

I HATE when people waste my time with double work. Keep track of your shit, goddammit.

Mize said...

Hillbillies on computers = disasters

Everybody knows this.

Keef said...

Canceled trip frees up money for the summit.



Or it makes it more difficult

Keef said...

had to cancel SD because of lack of cash money

Keef said...

I'm so broke I need to wait until I get paid this Friday to get a hairscut

Keef said...

WPP

El Padrino said...

damn son

tem said...

meiz i am booking flights and hotel today. Nov 9 leave. Come back Nov 12. right?

El Padrino said...

off the grid

tem said...

your face is a grid

Mize said...

Yes, that is correct, Tem

Mize said...

I haven't booked hotel yet

Mize said...

What's the good side of the plane to sit on for flying into Vegas from the East?

Keef said...

the inside

Keef said...

I just wrote a check for $10,000. I should of* made it in c/o myself

Mize said...

Is H going to be Vegasing?

tem said...

Depart
Nov 9Fri 05:00 PM Columbus, OH
to 06:35 PM Las Vegas, NV (LAS)

Return
Nov 12Mon 09:25 AM Las Vegas, NV to 04:15 PM Columbus, OH

Mize said...

What the hell kind of superjet are you taking?

tem said...

1 room reserved at bill's. fri, sat and sun

tem said...

"What the hell kind of superjet are you taking?"

southwest.

the times are local times. so on the way back you gain lots of hours

tem said...

i mean on the way there

tem said...

it is basically a 4 hour flight and you change 3 time zones.

Mize said...

"1 room reserved at bill's. fri, sat and sun"


Whatta gotta?

Mize said...

Also Tyler.

tem said...

i didn't know i had to get room's for everyone. i thought you guys were doing some sort of gift card thing at costco. i don't even know where a costco is.

Keef said...

I-71 & Polaris Pkwy

tem said...

really? i don't venture that way anymore. i am a tuttle/sawmill guy.

Mize said...

"i didn't know i had to get room's for everyone. i thought you guys were doing some sort of gift card thing at costco. i don't even know where a costco is."


No, you don't have to. Are you getting your own room, is what I mean to say. I have no problem with it, just gotta run it by Tyler to see if he wants to split a room.

Keef said...

mize has no qualms sharing a bed with another man

Keef said...

i am a tuttle/sawmill guy



Your* rich. Got it.

tem said...

i'm splitting a room with Keith. or if not keith with someone else.

tem said...

supposedly i got a 2 queen bed room. so i figured someone would sleep in the other bed.

Keef said...

too many beds

/mize

tem said...

polaris is the new mall. it has the richer stores. it is on par with easton in that regards.

tem said...

sawmill has target, meijer, home depot and sam's club.

tuttle has macy's an JC penny


polaris has l'occitane and saks and von maur

Mize said...

"supposedly i got a 2 queen bed room. so i figured someone would sleep in the other bed."

Got it. I'll volunteer if we are Keithless.

Keef said...

NW Cbus is the Scottsdale of Cbus

tem said...

keith is going.

it is driving distance. he can't LP out of this.

tem said...

"NW Cbus is the Scottsdale of Cbus"

what does that even mean?

i have no frame of reference for what scottsdale implies.

Mize said...

I'm setting the moneyline at +330 that Keith is going to Vegas.

Keef said...

fuck

Keef said...

Root for my $FMLB team

Mize said...

Isn't there anybody that owes you some back-rent?

tem said...

i bet some people would pay cash money to see pics of hsil nekkid

tem said...

not spiff though. he can just find them on the intrawebs for free.

Keef said...

Isn't there anybody that owes you some back-rent?



old wounds

Keef said...

I'm not saying I'm not going. Just saying that having to cancel this other trip mos def doesn't help

Mize said...

I absolutely understand.

tem said...

i do too, but i am still going to bust balls on it.

tem said...

wall

Mize said...

I swear to god, one of my friends claims her bestest friend dies every other week.

Mize said...

My WR corps in my $$ league that LP hates is projected to score the following.

22.2, 14, 19.7, 17.7

Keef said...

projections...schmojections

Mize said...

Columbus must have a nice aerodome, based on tem's flight times.

tem said...

it is a good aerodome.

sw flies direct to vegas.

it is a mini delta hub too, whatever that means.

Mize said...

Damn. MKE was super dope until Frontier pulled out last year. Now we don't have shit. Pisses me off. Being a Frontier hub was bombsauce.

tem said...

You should move to gilbert.

Aitch said...

" until Frontier pulled out"

They didn't want to procreate.

Mize said...

I don't work near Gilbert though

Keef said...

You should

Keef said...

They're building a Mormon temple right now, about 3 miles from my house. Maybe they're hiring

Mize said...

I'm not really looking right now. Maybe I should.

Mize said...

Okay, weird timing.

Keef said...

Talk about meant to be

Keef said...

I'm making these tonight

Mize said...

Ditch the green pepper, and I am IN on those.

tem said...

Gilbert needs what you do.

Mize said...

They need the greatness. I dig it.

Blue said...

new computer seems super gay

Mize said...

What did you get?

Keef said...

GGGGGGGGmennnnnnnn

Mize said...

"i like the cheifs, as a disciple of parcells i bet the run pass ratio of that team is 70/30"

By the way, this will never happen.

tem said...

I had a dream Keith found $5 and declared that was enough to put him in the summit.

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