Friday, June 15, 2012

Yo soy tu papa

Being a father is awesome.  When you let it all sink in, it's a pretty incredible feeling.  And there is so much more joy to come.  I think that's the saddest part about losing a parent.  In this case a father.  You sort of feel ripped off.  Like if my dad saw how well I was doing now or if he got a chance to hang with my kids it would make life so much more complete for me.  The hole never goes away.  Happy Father Day to all the LOV dads.  Much props. 

Some Dad stories.

My father knew he was going to die. So I sort of had an accelerated education on manhood from 12 years old on.  He taught me how to change a tire and how to change the oil in a buick one weekend.  When I was 12.  Some men still don't know how to do that.  Although why would you, everything is so modernized I don't change the oil on my leased cars.  What's funny about this, and I think it's in the LOV archives, 3 years ago on fathers day I caught a flat in NJ on the way home just outside the Goethals Bridge.  I had to change the tire.  And I did it.  In pretty good time too.  Using the crappy jack and X in the back trunk under the spare.  This guy at the gas station jokingly asked if I wanted a job there.  I replaced a radiator hose on my first car and thought I was so cool. 

Simple tasks but our generation sort of prevents us from still doing things like this. Now he knew how to rebuild an engine.  He roofed.  He painted.  He installed winders* and turlets*.  He even did side electricity work.  I so wish I could have learned all those trades.  I enjoy using my hands.  Handi-work.  I picture when I buy a house and fix it up that I won't hire anyone.  I'll do it myself.  It will make me feel closer to my father which sounds sort of weird I think.  But totally sensible.

He let me drive a Sanitation truck when I was 13.  He worked a few overnight shift at the garage in East New York and bought me along one time.  I always busted his balls to let me come on the job.  He'd always say no.  Too dangerous City wouldnt want to pay for a dead kid whose dad bought him to work after the kid accidentally crushed himself in the sanitation truck.  But the overnight you just sit in the garage, you are the security for the night along with the mechanic and the other watchman.  So he's like you want to do something cool.  I was like no doubt.  We fired up one of those beautifully white monster and I drove around the lot for an hour.  I thought I was so fucking cool.  Everytime I see a garbage truck in NYC I smile a bit.

Completely moving on because I don't want to feel like I'm on the therapy chair here, whenever I get inside an elevator I check to see if there is a girl I can fuck if we get stuck in the elevator for a long time.  I size up the girl then I size up the competition because it's a one sausage party.  Not sausage plus one.  I have to figure out if this girl(s) is/are doable or if they is just good for the head job.  I have to figure out if the guy that is also stuck or other guys are going to fight for some pussy or will they just look the other way.  It's an involved thought process.  I have every detailed covered.  Will I bang her standing up doggy or will i floor fuck her?  What method of punishment will I inflict on the guy if he tries getting in on this?  Kicks or punches?  Where will the babies go?  How long until I make my move?  2 hours?  3?  Do I use "could be last time alive" line?  All of this crosses my mind within seconds.  Then the doors close and the elevator makes it's way to the floor.  It's a futile exercise.

Yuengling.  Jack Daniels.  America.

208 comments:

1 – 200 of 208   Newer›   Newest»
Beth said...

"whenever I get inside an elevator I check to see if there is a girl I can rape* if we get stuck in the elevator for a long time"

*fixed

Mize said...

Kevin's gotta be the saltiest dude on earth.

Mize said...

I forgot my goddamn radio at home. Now I gotta take shitty ass I43 instead of the quicker, more scenic route. Not happy with myself. Should have gotten my ass out of bed 10 minutes earlier this morning.

Mize said...

On the bright side, I'll be able to get grocery store piced liquor at the gas station instead of having to go to the grocery store.

Mize said...

And habanero beef jerky. Love that shit.

Jugdish said...

Its gonna be a good day tater!

tem said...

"Should have gotten my ass out of bed 10 minutes earlier this morning."

no, you should have left 15 minutes later

tem said...

el pad threw up a solid post.

El Padrino said...

thanks sir

tem said...

i assume father's day is this weekend?

Tyler said...

Protip: loosen the lug nuts on the flat tire before you jack the car up.

Mize said...

My father says 'unloosen'.

Its really just dumping gas on the fire, at this point.

Keef said...

Suite post, LP.

NS

tem said...

cmtem has those low profile tires on her car. she hits a pothole about once a year and i have to go change it.

it is worst* when she does it on the interstate and i have to change it close to the road.

Keef said...

I picture when I buy a house and fix it up that I won't hire anyone



Fo sho the way to go. At least the first time.

Keef said...

Packing things up with cmk for a weekend trip seems a lot like what TP went through with cmtp

Tyler said...

Back when I was 18, I gave that protip to a coworker who was changing a tire for a girl he had a crush on and he turned around and said, "Dude, I know what I'm doing". I then proceeded to watch him chase the wheel with the wrench before I laughed and walked away.

Blue said...

protip would be, use an pnuematic wrench

Tyler said...

"protip would be, use an pnuematic wrench"

Unless, you know, you're on the side of the freeway.

Tyler said...

This weekend is gonna be a suck. We have to pack up the kitchen because the cabinets came in.

Blue said...

pros don't end up on the side of the freeway..unless you're Michael Jordan's dad

Tyler said...

I shared this on Twitter, but I don't think I talked about the greatest website ever made on LoV.

Tyler said...

It is the greatest website ever made.

Blue said...

if only there was a "save on mike's hard lemonade" website

Tyler said...

if only there was a "save on mike's hard lemonade" website

That should be Hook-Da-Hook Industries first project.

El Padrino said...

suite site t

tem said...

"unless you're Michael Jordan's dad
"

too soon

Tyler said...

if only there was a "save on mike's hard lemonade" website

Smirnoff Ice is listed in the pulldown. I can't believe people pay in upwards of $13 for a 12-pack for that swill.

Tyler said...

The only problem with that website is that it does not include Bevmo and Total Wine & More. But it has tipped me to the fact that I need to go to Fresh and Easy because they have cheap beer.

Blue said...

yeah, it doesn't really work here, the only place it has on there is safeway...

have to buy your beer from a liquor store here, unless you want 3.2 beer.

tem said...

71 cents a can for miller lite

tem said...

good job pirates, good effort

El Padrino said...

fresh and easy

sounds like a hair dye

kod said...

that was a great story about your dad, EP, thanks for sharing


You're a better writer than I knew, room may have even got a bit dusty there for a sec

El Padrino said...

thanks

El Padrino said...

keef mets reds bet?

Jugdish said...

Foxnews front page...looks like they misspelled ”beaners”

El Padrino said...

disagree

/lp

Mize said...

"You're a better writer than I knew..."


You're a better reader than I knew

Blue said...

you're all better than

ToddPacker said...

"Packing things up with cmk for a weekend trip seems a lot like what TP went through with cmtp"


hopefully they got a good couch

tem said...

blue is so proud of all of us

tem said...

keith doesn't sleep on the couch, he uses the guest room.

ToddPacker said...

nice post, ep

ToddPacker said...

"keith doesn't sleep on the couch, he uses the guest room."

good point

Mize said...

"keith doesn't sleep on the couch, he uses the guest room."


Voluntarily

Blue said...

so they're getting a sweet*?

El Padrino said...

ISWYDT

El Padrino said...

cmep gets tight day of/packing travelling all the time

Spaceman Spiff said...

packing sucks

El Padrino said...

especially when it's up your nose

tem said...

traveling sucks. the actual travel days suck.

airports suck, packing sucks, it all sucks

El Padrino said...

packing is mad easy though (for men)

El Padrino said...

5 ginny tees
3 pairs of shorts (no jorts)
3 pocket tees assorted colors
2 polos
3 pairs of bathing suits
flip flops
crispy white air force ones
5 pairs of low white ankle socks
hats of your desire
5 pairs of underwear
one basketball jersey (1991 UNLV LJ)

done. and done.

Blue said...

what the fuck is a pocket t?

Spaceman Spiff said...

pocket T's are the shit

tem said...

my dad wears pocket Ts all the time. pocket is for cigarettes

tem said...

what is a ginny tee?

tem said...

always bring an extra pair of underwear

El Padrino said...

pocket T's are the shit

^^^^^^^^^^

jcrew pocket tee's are gangsta
i rock them all year round like whoa

El Padrino said...

"what is a ginny tee?"

what?

an "A" shirt

El Padrino said...

"always bring an extra pair of underwear"

why

never understood this
do you guys shit your pants still?

El Padrino said...

"pocket is for cigarettes"

in 1974 yes

Mize said...

"3 pocket tees assorted colors"


Nerd alert

Mize said...

Always bring 2 extra pair of drawers. What if your drawers get wet? Then you're the guy walking around in wet drawls.

tem said...

"do you guys shit your pants still?"

nope but sometimes you go jogging or do excercise or just go outside and get sweaty and need a new pair after a shower.

El Padrino said...

why would they get wet

im bringing bathing suits

El Padrino said...

nope but sometimes you go jogging or do excercise or just go outside and get sweaty and need a new pair after a shower.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

stop it

El Padrino said...

if you jog on vacation you're doing it wrong

El Padrino said...

and if you must, workout in your bathing suit then jump in the pool

done and done

El Padrino said...

or beach

Mize said...

"why would they get wet"


Shit happens, man. What if a water fight breaks out?

Blue said...

what if i'm only going for 3 days...are these amounts still valid

Mize said...

"and if you must, workout in your bathing suit then jump in the pool"


I'm sure working out or running in built-in mesh undies is the opposite of comfortable.

Blue said...

i need to go shopping. I don't have any ginny t's or pocket t's.

I don't have any airforce ones, and I only have 2 bathing suits.

lots to do before my vacation

Blue said...

what about board shorts, do those count as bathing suits?

Mize said...

WE NEED QUESTIONS ANSWERED, EL PADRINO.

Blue said...

what about swim suits, do those work?

Blue said...

i might get to 3 if I get to use board shorts, and swim suits to get to the total for bathing suits.

Mize said...

"I don't have any ginny t's"


Just to clarify, he's trying to type Guinea, not gin-ie

Blue said...

I'm ignoring the UNLV jersey advise, as I think he was just throwing that in there for grins

Blue said...

"he's trying to type Guinea"

oh, i have even less of those

Mize said...

Blue, if you plan on taking a bath, I think you'll need a bathing suit.

Mize said...

Full-on coasting mode happening over here

Mize said...

LP would fail the 1st LOV Summit challenge event. Saturday morning run with Jug.

Mize said...

Friday night's event: Bar Brawlin' with Aitch.

El Padrino said...

"what about board shorts, do those count as bathing suits?"

no,

no net no bathing suit

El Padrino said...

"I'm ignoring the UNLV jersey advise, as I think he was just throwing that in there for grins"

i always bring it, its my favorite jersey of mine

El Padrino said...

advice was given for 5 nights, 6 days

3 days you are on your own

El Padrino said...

"I'm sure working out or running in built-in mesh undies is the opposite of comfortable."


pussification of our nation continues

man up and accept the rash or you'll end up with a bigger bag than the ladies and that's not a good look

Blue said...

why do i have to have mesh underwear for these to be swim suits?

El Padrino said...

dude swim suits are what ladies wear

for the love of pete say bathing suits

El Padrino said...

and you dont have to but i prefer something that holds my twig and berries while frolicking in the waters

Blue said...

i don't frequent bath houses...so i wear a swim suit

Blue said...

"In western culture, men's swimsuit styles include boardshorts, jammers, swim trunks, briefs or "speedos", thongs, and g-strings, in order of decreasing lower body coverage."

BAM!...blessed be

boardshorts are swimsuits

Keef said...

Yes reds/mess bet

Mize said...

"man up and accept the rash or you'll end up with a bigger bag than the ladies and that's not a good look"


OK, Mr "pack an extra pair of shoes"

Mize said...

"dude swim suits are what ladies wear

for the love of pete say bathing suits"


You have it backwards, fella.

Keef said...

Fucking csil says fuck and shit nonstop in front of bgas, no matter what i say. I don't care if she hears it every now and then but that dumb bitch is relentless

Keef said...

Csil: are you shitting me?

Me: can you not cuss every other word?

Csil: fuck. Sorry.

Me: no. Got it.

El Padrino said...

"boardshorts are swimsuits"

not in my world

Keef said...

Your world is much different than everyone elses

El Padrino said...

OK, Mr "pack an extra pair of shoes"

nothing extra, kicks and flops

extra would be, and boat shoes or another pair of flops

Keef said...

I have flip flops on now. Dress shoes for the wedding. And tennis shoes for walking around

Mize said...

"Fucking csil says fuck and shit nonstop in front of bgas, no matter what i say. I don't care if she hears it every now and then but that dumb bitch is relentless"


Time to give that bitch a stern F-bomb laden talking to.

NS

Mize said...

"nothing extra, kicks and flops"


No need to put shoes on the list then

El Padrino said...

"Fucking csil says fuck and shit nonstop in front of bgas"

when in rome

this doesnt bother me as much as some other parents (but i get it)

probably because i am irresponsible myself when it comes to the cursing

El Padrino said...

No need to put shoes on the list then

i didnt

Blue said...

does EP have these pants to go with his pocket t?

Mize said...

"i didnt"

crispy white air force ones

El Padrino said...

"crispy white air force ones"

those are kicks

?

Mize said...

So you put shoes on the list. Got it.

El Padrino said...

"does EP have these pants to go with his pocket t?"

negative

El Padrino said...

"So you put shoes on the list. Got it."

there are not shoes
you cant go on vacation without a pair of sneakers

El Padrino said...

they

Blue said...

I hate Ellen but emma stone seems like a fun chick.

Mize said...

Weird

Spaceman Spiff said...

meiz be binging

El Padrino said...

i can get the same search results using sneakers

i know you know the difference between sneakers and shoes

Spaceman Spiff said...

found wallace

Mize said...

Sneakers are shoes

Spaceman Spiff said...

d'angelo barksdale should watch friday night lights

El Padrino said...

i want to lick her twat

Mize said...

Wallace was lost?

El Padrino said...

Sneakers are shoes

apples are fruit

Mize said...

What would be some good shit that isn't burgers or brats to make for horse shoes next week? I'm thinking sliced Italian beef sammiches.

El Padrino said...

sausage and peppers

El Padrino said...

We have breaking news that Lindsay Lohan was found unconscious in her room at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Ray, CA an hour and a half ago.

Mize said...

"sausage and peppers"


Yeah, no.

Spaceman Spiff said...

"Paramedics responded, and determined nothing was wrong with Lindsay. They left without transporting her to the hospital."

publicity

Mize said...

You have to have something relatively generic and customizable t feed a group of 20.

Mize said...

That bitch was sleep.

Aitch said...

"everyone elses"

Knows English.

Mize said...

H is awake, everybody.

Aitch said...

Where's Wallace, String? Where's Wallace? Where the fuck is Wallace!?

Aitch said...

Ryan Dempster is half way to a cycle. Fucking Dice-K

tem said...

if you pack shoes and flops aren't whatever shoes you are wearing extra?

Mize said...

"if you pack shoes and flops aren't whatever shoes you are wearing extra?"


Ding ding ding!

Mize said...

Whatever shoes you AREN'T wearing

Mize said...

I'm out. Going up norf.

El Padrino said...

it's not extra

it's required to bring 2, my logic

anything above 2 is extra

El Padrino said...

You have to have something relatively generic and customizable t feed a group of 20.

cheesesteaks

El Padrino said...

taquitos

Mize said...

French Dip

tem said...

if you wear 1 pack 2 then you brought 3.

Spaceman Spiff said...

"Ryan Dempster is half way to a cycle."

i know it's pitcher but come on, half way to a cycle?

tem said...

what is an A tee shirt?

Spaceman Spiff said...

guy gets a single

fahk! he's a quatah away from a cy-kahl!

/H

El Padrino said...

if you wear 1 pack 2 then you brought 3.

AHIK

tem said...

if dempster has the triple and HR then i am impressed.

any other combo of "halfway" and IDGAF.

El Padrino said...

fahk! he's a quatah away from a cy-kahl!

/H


LOLZ

Spaceman Spiff said...

oops

knows math

qua-tah into

Spaceman Spiff said...

"what is an A tee shirt?"

a wife beater shirt

El Padrino said...

what is an A tee shirt?

magers cmon man

get with it

here

El Padrino said...

i'll be leaving soon

Spaceman Spiff said...

shit just got real

TYSON!!!

Blue said...

kind of long (lmc) but triumph is hilarious..good shit starts at about the 3 minute mark

kod said...

"Fucking csil says fuck and shit nonstop in front of bgas, no matter what i say."


I'm really bad with that, and I don't like being bad with that. Once kids hit about 4 I'm ok, but I have to remember that just because kids don't articulate well doesn't mean they don't understand.

Spaceman Spiff said...

"Man Goes on $1.5m Gambling Spree, After ATM Glitch Allows Him Unlimited Withdrawals
Ronald Page, a retired GM worker living in the Detroit area, took advantage of one hell of a computer glitch, after happening upon an ATM that allowed him to make unlimited cash withdrawals.

How did he choose to handle the situation? He loaded up his pockets and went on a multi-casino gambling bender. Unfortunately for him, Mr. Page's luck ran out at the ATM; he lost all $1.5 million to the house.

Convicted of theft of bank funds totaling $1.5 million, Mr. Page now awaits sentencing scheduled for June 27. "

hilarity

El Padrino said...

piece

Aitch said...

My point was simply that Dice-K allowed a triple and single to a pitcher.

kod said...

ah, I see per fb, Keith is going to land of 3.2% beer....or as the State of Missouri calls it, "nonintoxicating beer"


I thought Minni was the only state that had this nonesense, but per Wiki:


Colorado, Kansas, Minnesota, Oklahoma, and Utah do as well


Note to Keith though, (but you probably already know, just in case though) they do sell regular beer at bars, restaurants and liquor stores...just not at convenience stores, grocery stores, or sporting events

Blue said...

yep, gotta buy your beer from a liquor store here

although Not sure if kod knows this but light beer like CL is always 3.2

Spaceman Spiff said...

"My point was simply that Dice-K allowed a triple and single to a pitcher."

no shit?

Blue said...

if those are the only two hits, then he should be solid

Blue said...

i'm at a payphone trying to call home, all of my change i spent on you

Spaceman Spiff said...

my point is first pitch ball

inputting into the H translator

beep beep beep

suite, let's see what it says

fahk! qua-tah of da way to a wahk!







my point is that guy just scored a goal

inputting into the H translator

beep beep beep

thuhd of da way to a hat trick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!

Spaceman Spiff said...

i'm gonna wear this one out, just a warning

Blue said...

my point is i just had a slice of pizza


8th of a way to eating the whole pie

Blue said...

not just any pizza...

pepperoni pizza

Spaceman Spiff said...

"not just any pizza...

pepperoni pizza"

one sixth of da way to a supreme!!!

Blue said...

i'm sure elias keeps track of half cycles

kod said...

although Not sure if kod knows this but light beer like CL is always 3.2



it's lower, but not that much lower


per Wiki:

"In the United States, most reduced-alcohol beers, including Bud Light, Coors Light, and Miller Lite have 4.2% ABV.[6]"

Blue said...

3.2 is by weight, not by volume

Blue said...

to get the ABW, which is what the laws are based on, you take the ABV and multiply by .8

Blue said...

So they're like 3.3

Blue said...

tiger going with the Johnny CAsh look today

tem said...

"what is an A tee shirt?"

a wife beater shirt"

never ever ever heard a wife beater called an "A" shirt

tem said...

i know what wife beaters are though.

why the fuck do you wear those? i thought you had a job.

kod said...

to get the ABW, which is what the laws are based on, you take the ABV and multiply by .8


wow, that's interesting, I wasn't aware of the distinction between ABV and ABW, thought it was all ABV


Then, from what I read, 3.2% "low-point" beer is 4.0% ABV while regular CL is 4.2% ABV


as there is a 16% alcohol reduction between 5 and 4.2% ABV, then I guess the real difference between low-point and CL is about 4%

much less than I thought, thanks and regards for the info

tem said...

blue knows beer math

Blue said...

living in a 3.2 state, you have to know this stuff

Blue said...

a-rodg is hanging out at the US open

tem said...

he should out it away zip it up then

tem said...

i'd like to see that /LP and beth

tem said...

out it away....knows english.


put it away

tem said...

freudian slip

kod said...

living in a 3.2 state, you have to know this stuff


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


I'm seriously excited to tell people about this. I've already shared with 3 co-workers (w/ only 1 ::blank stare:: not bad), most people I know are not aware of this....I know because a major pastime in Minni is bitching about low-point beer (usually goes hand in hand with bitching about liquor stores having to close on Sundays)

Blue said...

tiger is leading the US OPEN!

Blue said...

take that LP

Blue said...

xinjed him

ToddPacker said...

muster drill time

Spaceman Spiff said...

tier back tied for the lead

tem said...

Big tv comes in wednesday. That'll complete the man cavish room I have. I know you all are excited.

Jugdish said...

worse* movie ever

Jugdish said...

If the link didnt work, its called ”rubber”

Jugdish said...

Lp downloaded some hgh for wwf

Keef said...

He's still getting worked

tem said...

Whoya da got tonight?

tem said...

I'll go with da heat

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