Monday, June 06, 2011

Runny diary

It's that time once again. Live from the as. mansion, it's a new runny diary on the MTV Movie Awards. I didn't know this was going to be on u till about 2 hours ago. But I'm like a boy scout, always prepared. All times PST

9:02 the first skit has Chelsey Handler and Jason Sudeakis (sp?) from SNL. Wow, Chelsey is pretty hideous looking without makeup on. They're doing a spoof of The Hangover and Twilight and that movie where the guy cut off his arm. It's pretty dumb. But anything that talks about Twilight is dumb
9:05 Eva Mendes. Yum
9:07 I guess that SNL guy is the host. I thought they said it was Cameron Diaz.
9:09 he's moderately funny. His hair is funnier looking.
9:11 WFT is up with this stage? It looks like Alice in Wonderland or something.
9:13 they just showed Gary Busey sitting next to Steve-O in the crowd. O/U on the amount of coke they snorted before the show is 17 lbs
9:14 first award of the night being presented by Mila Kunis and JT. I'd fuck one and mize would fuck one. But those ones aren't the same. Fuck, if the Twilight guy wins the first award, I might turn this off
9:16 and the really pale Twilight guy wins. I'm not gonna turn it off, but I'm gonna think lowly of the rest of the show
9:18 I need to slow down. TWCMKS
9:20 Random side note: has anyone seen the preview of that Human Centipede movie? The dude that made that is more fucked up than anyone in the history of the world
9:23 so now On Star has a feature that tells you Facebook news feed updates? I like facebook and all, but that is retarded
9:27 the 2nd award goes to a dude from Harry Potter. Fuck all these shitty kid movies
9:30 Jim Carrey introduces the Foo Fighters. TP would have Foo chills right now
9:34 the lead singer of FF looks too much like the Nickleback douche.
9:36 this zoo movie with the King of Queens guy is basically just a white man's Dr. Doolittle, right?
9:40 Nick Swardson is a funny dude. He has a gay lisp, though.
9:41 the 3rd award is for the most jaw dropping moment. And fucking Dustin* Bieber wins. Only 12 year old girls and LP like him. Cmk just said "ugh, his hair looks so fucking gay. I hate him." then she told bgas. that she won't ever be allowed to like him. I like to think that maybe he'll be in rehab by that time. But for those scoring at home, or even if you're alone, that's 3 gay winners so far.
9:50 Time for best fight award. Oh, shocking, Twilight wins. 4 for 4 on gay movies winning awards. I hate our world right now.
9:55 random side note: cmk is a really bad winner and a sore loser on wwf. It's annoying.
10:03 time for best kiss award. -160 that Twilight wins. And the winner is.....noone. We're all losers for having watched this garbage. The 2 Twilight dudes just made out, though. I knew they were homos. But we're now 5 for 5 with losers winning. How ironic. Dontcha think
10:20 Reese Witherspoon is getting some lifetime achievement award. Isn't she like 32? Jesus
10:30 new category, best line from a movie. It's weird that none of the nominees are British, which is a good thing. The winner is the little girl from Grown Ups who wants to get chocolate wasted
10:34 So, um, yeah, this new Fright Night movie. Do we really need another vampire movie? I really don't understand it at all. Dracula thinks that this is getting a little ridiculous
10:37 holy crap, Nikki Minaj has a giant ass and giant bressasis.
10:39 best female performance award. And yep, you guessed it. The angry ugly bitch from Twilight wins. She's so goddamn disgusting. I would never punch a girl in the face, but I'd almost punch her in the face. So 7 awards, 6 losers win.
10:47 I'm having a bowl of Golden Grahams right now
10:49 best comedic performance award. Again, no Brits. Oh wait, except for Mr. Katy Perry. Emma Stone wins. She has a gay lisp.
10:52 oooohhhh a sneak peak of the new Twilight movie. There's vampires and werewolves. I swear!
10:58 Gary Busey is handing out the best movie award. He's in a bubble. Hey, Twilight won. Good for those kids. They don't get enough recognition. Shitty end to a shitty show.

151 comments:

Spaceman Spiff said...

goddman spoilers

s

Spaceman Spiff said...

"the lead singer of FF looks too much like the Nickleback douche. "

dave grohl get replaced?

Spaceman Spiff said...

new xmen was good shit

Spaceman Spiff said...

meiz is jealous of mila

Spaceman Spiff said...

surprised no mention of the groping in the diary

H said...

Mila be smokin hot, you

Beth said...

"10:20 Reese Witherspoon is getting some lifetime achievement award. Isn't she like 32? Jesus"

Close, she's 35.

Beth said...

EP, I owe you a name and pic.

(Damn mess...)

Blue said...

can't believe keith just compared the foo fighters to nickelback.


you lose your music cred for eternity

Blue said...

dave grohl is a musical and comedic genius

Keef said...

can't believe keith just compared the foo fighters to nickelback.



You should hire a new reader

Blue said...

now he's confusing me with tem

El Padrino said...

i got another confession to make

im no fool

El Padrino said...

pic for beth

name is

EL P Taste good

kod said...

"So, um, yeah, this new Fright Night movie. Do we really need another vampire movie? I really don't understand it at all. Dracula thinks that this is getting a little ridiculous"


-Fright Night is the 2nd best 80s vampire movie though (next to Lost Boys); that could be either a very good, or very bad thing

El P Taste good said...

Without the name this pic is actually pretty hot.

kod said...

I'll bet that the Fright Night remake >>>>>>>> The new Lost Boys movie


of course, who would want to take that bet? Pretty low bar there

El Padrino said...

cant be better than the latest karate kid that was put

what a movie

s

El Padrino said...

albert pujols welcome to the 2011 season!

Keef said...

Fright Night is the 2nd best 80s vampire movie though (next to Lost Boys); that could be either a very good, or very bad thing



Fuck vampire movies

El Padrino said...

mets stomped the braves this weekend, bullpen blew the friday night one, sweep if the dont , ahik

fucking chipper launched one friday night almost broke the windows to the acela restaurant, bout 420 feet

El Padrino said...

i agree keef, this twilight shit is too much

El Padrino said...

9:05 Eva Mendes. Yum

^^^^^^^

El Padrino said...

kielbasa should get there today keef, i hope

El Padrino said...

jug's texts have been suite

El Padrino said...

volquez back up, got a feeling he righted the ship

he sucks me in every time

El P Taste good said...

"mets stomped the braves this weekend, bullpen blew the friday night one, sweep if the dont , ahik"

Yeah and if the braves are 100% healthy they probably sweep. (ahik) We can play the if game all day.

Blue said...

if the mets weren't still paying bobby bonilla (ahiik) they would be contenders for the division this year

El P Taste good said...

If the mets weren't in NY (ahiik), they'd be a better team

El Padrino said...

"Yeah and if the braves are 100% healthy they probably sweep. (ahik) We can play the if game all day."

100% healthy, hahahahahahahahhaha

did you see the mets lineup lately
they start like 4 minor leaguers along with Judy Bay

El Padrino said...

"If the mets weren't in NY (ahiik), they'd be a better team"

what does that even mean

tem said...

"surprised no mention of the groping in the diary"

say what?

El Padrino said...

hilarity that bosh was still struggling with the eye hours after it got poked

Do I Look Old? said...

"dave grohl get replaced?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

El P Taste good said...

You have to click on the link above that comment tem.

El Padrino said...

he acted like paul pierce when it happened

my daughter poked me in the eye last week, i fought through it and finished Candyland then was able to read her bedtime stories too

Warrior.

El Padrino said...

dont bother reading skunkpatch today

unbearable

El Padrino said...

the wade move, behind the back split lefty high layup off glass was fucking suite

El Padrino said...

its like Dirk vs the Heat

fucking mavs supporting cast blows right now, not good

Blue said...

one of those minor leaguers is raking though

El Padrino said...

justin turner

only the only guy in the farm system i've wanted to see for 2 years now

El Padrino said...

*outside of Gee who resembles Rick Reed if any of you follow the mess

S

Blue said...

TP follows the mess

Spaceman Spiff said...

nice landing

i always laugh when someone gets knocked out and ends up in a position where it looks like theyre sleeping, cant help it

El Padrino said...

it is pretty funny

Blue said...

you know you're in the wrong sport when the initial reaction to an injury is to bring out the back board.

Spaceman Spiff said...

WFT is this shit

Blue said...

THAT is MPS

Blue said...

that's what brown can do for you

Keef said...

"kielbasa should get there today keef, i hope"


Can't wait for the mush

El Padrino said...

unless they smelled it and just threw it away

Keef said...

Dude, you froze it 4 days ago. No way they smell it.

El Padrino said...

it was a hail mary

best efforts

tem said...

I can't wait for the info on how this keilbosa turned out

Keef said...

"I can't wait for the info on how this keilbosa turned out"


I'll text you a picture of the maggots

tem said...

Sounds like tuf finale was OK

Blue said...

yeah, sending over the weekend probably not the smrtest idea

tem said...

I bet there are no maggots. Chances are good it never arrives

tem said...

Saw bridesmaids this weekend. Not quite as good as hangover 2. And hangover 2 was just OK.

Keef said...

"yeah, sending over the weekend probably not the smrtest idea"



El Padrino said...
i got another confession to make

im no fool

Keef said...

"I bet there are no maggots. Chances are good it never arrives"


I'll go a step further (farther?) and say that it nerve got sent

El Padrino said...

"yeah, sending over the weekend probably not the smrtest idea"

my thinking was, priority is 1-2 days and if you make drop (before 11am according to PO) then its a chance you get it next day

this is why the PO loses billions

El Padrino said...

"I'll go a step further (farther?) and say that it nerve got sent"

should saved the receipt and text you a pic

damn

i def sent it

ns

El Padrino said...

El Padrino said...
i got another confession to make

im no fool


foo song quote

Keef said...

"my thinking was, priority is 1-2 days and if you make drop (before 11am according to PO) then its a chance you get it next day

this is why the PO loses billions"



Note to self. No more real stuff bets with LP

Keef said...

"foo song quote"


Duh

El Padrino said...

"Note to self. No more real stuff bets with LP"


apparel bet with meiz is good

Keef said...

"apparel bet with meiz is good"


Breer's got this lockt* so I'll pay that off at the Summitt

Blue said...

xinj

Blue said...

what a compelling series the rockies just played in SF

3-1 loss
2-1 win
2-1 loss

10 total runs scored in 3 games...

Blue said...

after shitting the bed in San Diego this week, they'll be tied or alone in last place in the division.

i hate the rockies

El Padrino said...

"Plaxico was sporting a Philadelphia Phillies cap and made a short, non-committal statement saying he will be ready to resume his NFL career when the lockout is lifted.

When asked of the significance of the Phillies cap, Burress said it was for “y’all” to figure out…."

fuck you asshole

tem said...

giants don't want him

tem said...

philadelphia is where ex cons go to play.

El P Taste good said...

"When asked of the significance of the Phillies cap, Burress said it was for “y’all” to figure out…."

Maybe he just meant he's a Phillies fan.

s

Blue said...

ryan howard came and visited him in prison

Keef said...

tem, can you make sure you freeze the tcs prize pack before you mail it?

El Padrino said...

someome should freeze your face

Blue said...

they freeze and ship it priority

Keef said...

"someome should freeze your face"


That's fine. It'll be thawed out by the time it's mailed and reaches its destination

Blue said...

how did EP wrap the sausage?

Keef said...

saran wrap

Keef said...

and twss

Blue said...

did he use the vacuum to seal it?

Blue said...

EP should have just ordered some from here and then used the little refrigerated box they send you to ship to Keith

Blue said...

if i ever lose a bet and have to ship somebody rocky mountain oysters, i'll use that box

Keef said...

"if i ever lose a bet and have to ship somebody rocky mountain oysters, i'll use that box"


You better not be foolin'.

/lp

tem said...

"tem, can you make sure you freeze the tcs prize pack before you mail it?"

sure.

does freezing jerseys shrink them? or expand them?

Keef said...

yes

El P Taste good said...

"does freezing jerseys shrink them? or expand them?"

I thought every guy knew that cold shrunk things.

Keef said...

Cold shrinks things, but the dryer shrinks things too. It's mind bottling

Keef said...

also mind bottling, cmk started a new birth control last month and now instead of being horny twice a year, she's horny every day. It's pretty cool

Blue said...

that sounds like some good hormones


except for the inevitable crash in which she whacks off your whacker

Keef said...

TMWOYWT

El Padrino said...

"also mind bottling, cmk started a new birth control last month and now instead of being horny twice a year, she's horny every day. It's pretty cool"

cell pic of brand please

tem said...

"cmk started a new birth control last month and now instead of being horny twice a year, she's horny every day"

and the name of that pill is....?

El Padrino said...

USC stripped of 04' Title

El Padrino said...

i hate when people (jews) say "supper" as opposed to "dinner"

Keef said...

I'll try and figger out what the pill is

Keef said...

there is kielbasa in the mail. It smells like bigfoot's dick

El Padrino said...

excellent

grill that fucker up

El Padrino said...

you might want to take an antacid before consuming

Blue said...

a little bit of dat and dat

El Padrino said...

they seem fun

Keef said...

It's about $3 worth of kielbasa. Thanks

Keef said...

The second dat pic has a nice as. to hip ratio

El Padrino said...

"It's about $3 worth of kielbasa. Thanks"

actually like $14

i got the premo one, does the package have a weight on it?

Blue said...

i could have got some hilshire farms for $3

Keef said...

$14 for 2 sausage links? Fuck NY

Keef said...

No weight on the package

El Padrino said...

that kielbasa was $7.99 a pound, i think it weighed 1lb and 10 ounces so almost two pounds

here's a trick

hold your dick, guess how much it weighs

hold the kielbasa in the other hand, which one is heavier

in all seriousness i went to the polish meat market in park slope, that was the deal, to get you fresh shit not something that jimmy dean made

El Padrino said...

$2.99 - fattest one, grisle in there

$4.99 - i buy this one

$7.99 - guy tells me it's his best

Keef said...

Aja, thanks for sending it

Keef said...

I hope I don't die

Keef said...

$7.99 - guy tells me it's his best



Gullible

Keef said...

S

Spaceman Spiff said...

"$7.99 - guy tells me he'll take care of me"

*fized

Spaceman Spiff said...

hilarity

El Padrino said...

"Aja, thanks for sending it"

no problem, sorry it took so long

please dont die

El Padrino said...

"$7.99 - guy tells me it's his best



Gullible"

big language barrier, it's funny

all hand signals and facial expressions to order

and pointing

tem said...

does it smell horrible or still look OK?

Keef said...

does it smell horrible or still look OK?



Doesn't smell horrible. But could definitely smell it when I opened the mailbox. It's wrapped in Saran wrap but I don't see shit growing on it

El Padrino said...

i'd rinse that off and refrigerate for a bit

give a piece to your pooch first, just to be sure

El Padrino said...

post office rocks

in you face meiz

Keef said...

I just threw them in the freezer.

El Padrino said...

AITCH

GFY

Keef said...

Then I'll mail them back to you


S

Blue said...

shipping beer is much more difficult

El Padrino said...

need full play by play reaction from cmk

please advice

tem said...

he could freeze the beer and put it in a zip lock bag.

El Padrino said...

"shipping beer is much more difficult"

you just defended a chowd

and i shipped beer to FLORIDA

much further

El Padrino said...

piece

Blue said...

oh, i forgot the sarcasm note at the end

Blue said...

i'm very excited for the launch of grantland.com


eteo

tem said...

fuck grantland

Keef said...

need full play by play reaction from cmk

please advice




I told her that I finally got the kielbasa from the bet I won last year. I'm not gonna tell her how it arrived because she would throw it away

tem said...

Cmk is all of a sudden horny... el pad mailed sausage...make your own joke.

tem said...

Also, I hope all involved used peckerwrecker in real life this weekend

Keef said...

I forgot

Keef said...

Tp
Are we betting on the WCWS final?

S

Mize said...

"post office rocks

in you face meiz"


Couldn't care less

Mize said...

LP has no idea we sketched some plans for his beer at the Summit 2010

Do I Look Old? said...

bruins are not having any problems scoring tonight

Mize said...

I keep getting lost on the internet tonight

Keef said...

FU softball team looking good

Keef said...

Nice stormtrooper pic, jug. You homo

Mize said...

Fathers Day gift for as.

Mize said...

Oh man, I'm wishing SW: The Old Republic comes out for 360. Wildly unlikely, though.

Jugdish said...

Nice stormtrooper pic, jug. You homo



i did that for you

Jugdish said...

and mize. you and mize are on either side of me

tem said...

go

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino