Monday, June 07, 2010

Runny* diary

Per LP's request, here's a running diary of the MTV Movie Awards...

We’re coming to you live, on tape delay, from the Valley of the Sun for tonight’s running diary of the MTV Movie Awards on DVR. All times are PST.

7:55 – Betty White is in the crowd. She’s older than everyone else in the crowd…combined
7:56 – Some stupid spoof with Tom Cruise, Will Smiff and his son Lil Romeo*, and some Twilight douchebags. We’re off to a grate* start for the evening.
8:00 – The host for the evening is Aziz Ansari. Are we all sure he’s not on the terrorist list? /LP
8:02 – YAYYYY, more lame spoofs, these ones involving rev’s brother in law. Remember back when MTV was watchable? Those were the good ol’ days. This shit is awful.
8:07 – Our host is wearing a white jacket, black pants, bow tie ensemble. I think he’s wearing it so it distracts you from noticing that his monologue is terrible. Like, really, like, bad. And he’s like saying like every like other word.
8:10 – The stars of Grown Ups come out to present the first award. I think this might be a decent movie. That would be a cool group to party with, too. Except for Chris Rock. /blue
8:12 – First award of the night goes to the chick from Twilight, who by the way, is not at all cute. This show has squeezed a lifetime of suck into 17 minutes so far.
8:15 – I like the Chuck Barkley is Taco Bell’s Whore era
8:16 – Is anyone else tired of Jonah Hill?
8:20 – Ken Jeong is on stage in a tiger outfit that is almost unleashing his own dong. LP has it on pause right now.
8:22 – Cruise is on stage now as cmk drops a “Um, you’re not cool anymore” comment. Then J-Lo comes out as cmk says “Um, you aren’t either”. If this was 1997, this would be the best show eVar!
8:29 – World premiere of a new Harry Potter trailer. Looks like this is the movie where Harry starts a bingo club and collects social security.
8:30 – Kiss cam comes out and shows Shaun White in his traditional Indian leather vest, sitting next to some super hot chick. It was as weird as it sounds. Best kiss scene goes to, um, Twilight. I don’t understand the Twilight era. And I’m proud of that.
8:32 – The hockey game ended about 45 minutes ago, but the Blackhawks just scored again.
8:35 – Katy Perry, live. Yum. Not #1 in Maxim’s top 100 yum. But I digress. She seems like she’s probably a weird, goofy chick. But she’s hot, so it’s ok.
8:40 – I’ve been trying to explain the blog to cmk, and I think she understands it. She doesn’t really “get it”, but she understands. If that makes sense.
8:45 – Betty White, Bradley Cooper, & Scarlett Johansson(sp?) are on stage. If I had to play the F(uck)M(arry)K(ill) game here, I’d probably F ScaJo, M Betty, and K Cooper. The 3 of them are on stage to present the “We realize you’ve had a bad 6 months so we’re going to give you an award” award to Sandra Bullock.
8:50 – Sandy & Scarlett kiss. It wasn’t as hot as you probably imagine. Bummer
8:53 – Ken Jeong wins the WFT Award. It was a well-deserved award. /LP
8:55 – Aziz is performing as RKelly. Without the piss and 15 year old. And without the humor that was intended.
8:57 - Blackhawks scored again
9:00 – Samuel L, Eva Mendez, and The Rock are on stage. I’d F Eva, M Samuel L, and K Dwayne. Will Ferrell & Marky Mark are hanging from cables from the rafters and Marky Mark dropped and F bomb that didn’t get bleeped. That was fun. They give the award for the Best Villain, which goes to some dude from Harry Potter. Jesus Chris*, do awards only go to fantasy movies now? Cripes. Marky drops an S bomb that sneaks through. Lots of fines for MTV tonight.
9:01 – We’re gonna end this right here because cmk wants to watch Dateline NBC. I’m cool with that because this show was fucking awful. RIP MTV

And finally, here is Eminem's Without Me, performed by you'res* truly. Cmk did the video, and turnt* the camera sideways because she thought that you could rotate the video like you can for images. I thought it was hilarity.
Fuck Eminem /mize

296 comments:

1 – 200 of 296   Newer›   Newest»
jugdish said...

suite keeinem video

jugdish said...

or asinem

jugdish said...

suite keeinem video

keefinem

jugdish said...

i shouldn't be at work today...but i am

jugdish said...

excellent weekend

Beth said...

I had to stop watching the keefinem video, it was a bit too painful for me. I've never understood the appeal of karaoke.

ns

jugdish said...

you're going to shatter his confidence

jugdish said...

new sports talk drinking game. listen to any sports talk show and take a shot everytime they mention someone being or possibly being the "greatest ever" at something

El Padrino said...

"I had to stop watching the keefinem video, it was a bit too painful for me. I've never understood the appeal of karaoke.

ns"

the rapping one's are usually the worse

El Padrino said...

"Cmk did the video, and turnt* the camera sideways because she thought that you could rotate the video like you can for images. I thought it was hilarity."

i thought so too.

El Padrino said...

"excellent weekend"

here for this and then here and here?

El Padrino said...

"The host for the evening is Aziz Ansari. Are we all sure he’s not on the terrorist list? /LP"

Indian, i did the research. Funny too.

El Padrino said...

"Indian, i did the research."

he got a sister?

/rev

jugdish said...

here for this and then here and here?


just good times with friends and family. hung out at friends pool, met a cool chick, good times all around

El Padrino said...

"Cruise is on stage now as cmk drops a “Um, you’re not cool anymore” comment. Then J-Lo comes out as cmk says “Um, you aren’t either”. If this was 1997, this would be the best show eVar!"

lex grossman is hilarious

and j-lo will forever be cool so you shut your mouth

jugdish said...

he got a sister?

/rev


funny

El Padrino said...

"just good times with friends and family. hung out at friends pool, met a cool chick, good times all around"

hiya five!

jugdish said...

very nice!

Beth said...

"you're going to shatter his confidence"

I think it's well established that the only opinion keef cares about is his own.

partly s, partly ns

BLUE said...

good rapping keith (ns)

nerve been to a kareoke place where you can sit at your table tho

BLUE said...

"lex grossman is hilarious

and j-lo will forever be cool so you shut your mouth"

EP is still living in 1997

jugdish said...

nerve been to a kareoke place where you can sit at your table tho


yeah ive never seen that either

El Padrino said...

good to see stern still buying refs

Steve said...

"Looks like this is the movie where Harry starts a bingo club and collects social security."

funny

Steve said...

"and j-lo will forever be cool so you shut your mouth"


that ass is not what it used to be, EP. you can let her go.

tem said...

comment

tem said...

good to see steve back in the mix.

tem said...

i am impressed as. knew all those words to the song.

El Padrino said...

man freak is all over stanton like i was on posey

tem said...

i know they show them on a screen, but he knew them anyway.

tem said...

parker posey?

Steve said...

thanks. hit the beach for a week.

and now i have to catch up on a weeks worth of work.


yea!

El Padrino said...

"that ass is not what it used to be, EP. you can let her go."

she's a goddess

El Padrino said...

the nerds are abuzz with jobs talking today

tem said...

nerds run the roost

El Padrino said...

"SeaWorld killer whale dies giving birth"

take that whale

tem said...

whale ate too much fish during pregnancy

tem said...

doctor was right, it is bad.

tem said...

but i bet the baby whale is good at math. /spiff

jugdish said...

i asked my sister in law what her doc told her about fish (my nephew is 1). her doc told her to stay away from sushi and shell fish for the most part. Doc was fine with her having fish now and then, but seemingly it was a concern only if she ate a lot of it.

tem said...

where was that doc when the whale needed him?

jugdish said...

whale should have gotten a second opinion

jugdish said...

they should have done a sea section

El Padrino said...

tom izzo is not walking through that door

jugdish said...

h is so happy about getting laid he posted that three times

Steve said...

"h is so happy about getting laid he posted that three times"

i bet he told her he loved her and called her at least 3 times the following day.

El Padrino said...

i do

El Padrino said...

"Our summer is their winter."

i thought that was the case, soccer in the cold sucks

tem said...

"may I also humbly suggest that all of you gamers out there pick up Red Dead Redemption if you haven't already done so."

picked this up saturday. pretty fun.

tem said...

sea section was grate*

Todd Packer said...

"sea section was grate*"

yeah, well played, jug

Todd Packer said...

blockt* on the keith vid

Meiz said...

That was actually a suite weekend.


Mize's new hobby: Stealing golf

Todd Packer said...

"you can let her go"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Meiz said...

"excellent weekend"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

tem said...

i always wondered why people paid to golf.

you can pretty much just walk right onto a course and start playing.

i mean a nice course probably has some sort of security or something, but the municipal courses around here have nothing. they have a guy sitting in the "clubhouse" watching tv.

BLUE said...

"i mean a nice course probably has some sort of security or something, but the municipal courses around here have nothing. they have a guy sitting in the "clubhouse" watching tv."


if it's slow then it's easy, if it's a busy day, you'll back up traffic on the course and the ranger will come frown at you

BLUE said...

around here, you get a receipt that you have to have with you if the ranger asks...nerve had a ranger ask though

BLUE said...

when I was first learning to play golf (I was 18), I would hang out on the free putting green until the clubhouse guy closed shop in the evening and left. Then I'd walk over and tee off.

I could usually get in 5 or 6 holes before it got too dark to see.

El Padrino said...

yeah paying for golf is annoying

tem said...

"if it's slow then it's easy, if it's a busy day, you'll back up traffic on the course and the ranger will come frown at you"


waaay too many courses here so there are a ton that are slow and empty.

there are a ton that have no ranger.

tem said...

they don't even have drink cart girl.

BLUE said...

no drink cart is unacceptable

BLUE said...

things I learnt from Sporcle:

according to the US Census in 2000, Columbus, OH is the most populous city in all of Ohio


I did not know this.

it's only 3rd in temhio though

Spaceman Spiff said...

"lex grossman is hilarious"


peyton mills agrees

Spaceman Spiff said...

"when at one point the lakers had attempted 41 free throws to the Celtics' 16."

hard to shoot free throws when youre taking and making 3's, and you left out the actual foul count which was similar even if you dont count the lakers fouls in the last minute, ended up even

Spaceman Spiff said...

maybe watch the game

tem said...

the NBA does not make money on a 4 game sweep.

Meiz said...

"i mean a nice course probably has some sort of security or something, but the municipal courses around here have nothing. they have a guy sitting in the "clubhouse" watching tv."


It is a nice course. I just DGAF. What are they gonna do, call the police and waste everybody's time & money?

BLUE said...

if he watched the game, he couldn't blindly comment and make sarcastic accusations ala shamford

Spaceman Spiff said...

APB for odom again, celtics have him shook still

Spaceman Spiff said...

i blame kong

BLUE said...

amazing ubaldo got roughed up yesterday

BLUE said...

raised his era to 0.93

fricken loser

BLUE said...

tracy left him in one inning too long

Spaceman Spiff said...

re: kristen stewart

agreed


ashley greene is where its at

Spaceman Spiff said...

food feuds shits all over food wars

BLUE said...

chefs vs city is the dumbest show I've ever seen

Spaceman Spiff said...

had hopes for chefs vs city, but yea its pretty unwatchable

El Padrino said...

"had hopes for chefs vs city, but yea its pretty unwatchable"

agree

too bad too cuz i like those guys

tem said...

i heard ubaldo got roughed up yesterday and that H got laid.

BLUE said...

"Spiff, I'm not complaining about the fouls. I think there were phantom calls both ways. I'm just saying it was funny to hear Phil complain about it when it was pretty evenly called and they went to the line more."

Classic P-Jax. Now he's gonna get every call in the next game. He's the best in the business at bitching about stuff, when there's nothing to bitch about.

BLUE said...

did it in the Denver series last year. Actually got a verbal war going back and forth between him and GK because all the media kept asking GK about the officiating and all he kept saying was that P-Jax was the best at working officials to get his way.

Spaceman Spiff said...

"Classic P-Jax. "

this

cant blame H though, he only started watching bball in 08

Spaceman Spiff said...

"I guess not being a jerk has it benefits."

correct, perkins reputation is set for his career

Steve said...

"He's the best in the business at bitching about stuff, when there's nothing to bitch about."

Coach K agrees.

jugdish said...

NBA should get rid of refs and make it a call your own foul league.

Todd Packer said...

NBA should get rid of refs and make it a call your own foul league like did for jordan and the bulls

*fixed

El Padrino said...

jim joyce should ref game 3 by himself

Todd Packer said...

*like they did

jugdish said...

NBA should get rid of refs and make it a call your own foul league like did for jordan and the bulls



bitterness

Todd Packer said...

"bitterness"

yes

El Padrino said...

excellent tp

El Padrino said...

if i told you that jeb bush would be the third bush in the white house one day how would you respond?

jugdish said...

bulls hire a cajun

jugdish said...

Reporter: Mr. Thidodeau, how do you feel about taking over the Bulls head coaching job?
Thidodeau: ElatION!
Reporter: Tom, what about the Celtics?
Thidodeau: ResignaTION!
Reporter: Mr. Thidodeau, what are your goals for the Bulls?
Thidodeau: ChampION!
Reporter: Who is your favorite Chicago Bull?
Thidodeau: JorDON!

BLUE said...

hilarity

one of sandlers better characters

BLUE said...

that and operaman were always good

jugdish said...

ill be making cajun man jokes throughout his bulls coaching career

jugdish said...

Reporter: Mr. Thidodeau, how much did you sign for?
Thidodeau: MillIONS!

BLUE said...

watched couples retreat this weekend...vince vaughn tried too hard

BLUE said...

some funny scenes though

jugdish said...

guitar hero part wasn't bad

BLUE said...

it was no "break-up"

/lp

jugdish said...

i just booked my flight to Chicago...

Keef said...

"I think it's well established that the only opinion keef cares about is his own."


That is 0% true

ns

Keef said...

"nerve been to a kareoke place where you can sit at your table tho


yeah ive never seen that either"



Just a regular bar that has a chick come in with karaoke shit on Saturdays. You fill out a sheet of paper with your request, when you're up she calls your name, you go get the mic and can sing wherever

Keef said...

cmk prego, but that has to stay on LOV because we aren't gonna tell anyone for a few more weeks

tem said...

"cmk prego, but that has to stay on LOV because we aren't gonna tell anyone for a few more weeks"

congrats.

people will figure it out soon when she goes to bars and doesn't drink.

jugdish said...

"cmk prego, but that has to stay on LOV because we aren't gonna tell anyone for a few more weeks


congrats man!



no fish

jugdish said...

unless mize can get us to stay with the cubs chick, we're looking at about 180 a night for a room.

tem said...

no more sex either.

but if you do definitely don't cum on the baby

jugdish said...

but if you do definitely don't cum on the baby



you don't want to get that stuff in your eye, the kid will have to wear glasses. right mize?


s

Tyler said...

Following Meiz on Twitter today has been highly entertaining. That is all.

jugdish said...

my twitter must be broke



twss

tem said...

its entertaining because it is sundress month

tem said...

smoking sucks.

or at least requires sucking.

Tyler said...

Via Meiz's Twitter:

DON'T FUCKING SMOKE CIGARETTES. EVER. THIS IS FUCKING AWFUL #QUITTINGSMOKINGRAGEMETER - 7/10

YES, I'M FUCKING YELLING ALL DAY. ITS THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPRESS THE RAGE IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW. I AM FUCK-POUNDING THIS KEYBOARD

As I said, pure comedy.

El Padrino said...

congrats keef

Meiz said...

"Lots of fines for MTV tonight."


Cable stations can put whatever they want on tv. They don't because they'd lose sponsors & sponsors = $

Steve said...

"DON'T FUCKING SMOKE CIGARETTES"


it gets much much much easier.

El Padrino said...

"asked my sister in law what her doc told her about fish (my nephew is 1). her doc told her to stay away from sushi and shell fish"

apology accepted

Meiz said...

"cmk prego, but that has to stay on LOV because we aren't gonna tell anyone for a few more weeks"


Condolences

tem said...

can cable stations put porn on?

El Padrino said...

i gave meiz advice over the weekend

El Padrino said...

leave it to sandra bullock to ruin kissing scar jo

BLUE said...

congrats keith.

another little as. running around



so did you start applying for the 3rd job yet?

Meiz said...

SUPPAN RELEASED! MOTHERFUCKING YES!

Meiz said...

FUCK YES! EAT SHIT, SUPPAN!

El Padrino said...

wow you have to be uber shitty to get released by the brewers

Steve said...

congrats keith!!

Todd Packer said...

congrats, keith

BLUE said...

congrats meiz, it's like he just found out fmmeiz was preggers

BLUE said...

i'm crafting my smartly worded comment to cmk on facebook as we speak (or as i type this)

BLUE said...

they're comparing stanton to Dave Winfield

BLUE said...

they're comparing stanton to Dave Winfield

El Padrino said...

gator

Todd Packer said...

i wonder how many homers stanton has in the minors?

Meiz said...

Next up, HOFFMAN, VARGAS, MACHA




DO IT, MARK

El Padrino said...

21 homers in the minors is no joke.

im aware

Spaceman Spiff said...

"21 homers in the minors is no joke."

double A


/bitter that i didnt pick him up last week comment

Spaceman Spiff said...

congrats keef, takes a couple weeks to get that restraining order on csil? since she'll be mad she got beat on marriage and now child

Spaceman Spiff said...

"
apology accepted"

selective copypastas* are the best

Todd Packer said...

the glazers are in major debt... not a good sign for the bucs, tem

El Padrino said...

baby shit color in keef's living makes cents now

they can convert into nursery

El Padrino said...

*room

El Padrino said...

you better get rid of those mutts you have

El Padrino said...

and donate all that tuna to salvation army

cmk wont be eating it

El Padrino said...

"cmk prego, but that has to stay on LOV because we aren't gonna tell anyone for a few more weeks"

i'm opening a facefuck* just to spread the good news

Beth said...

"cmk prego, but that has to stay on LOV because we aren't gonna tell anyone for a few more weeks"

Congrats Kevin!

El Padrino said...

madoff in prison

tem said...

"not a good sign for the bucs, tem"

maybe they will sell the bucs to me.

tem said...

bucs payroll is like 25M if they go without a salary floor it'll be like a replacement team.

Tyler said...

Did Keith complete the game over trifecta: Married, Homeowner, Pregnancy all in one year, right?

Tyler said...

Irregardless, congrats Keith.

BLUE said...

yeah, the bucs were one of those teams that slashed payroll in the uncapped year. IF that doesn't get the glazers out of debt, nothing will.

BLUE said...

"Did Keith complete the game over trifecta: Married, Homeowner, Pregnancy all in one year, right?"

just over a year from marriage to prego...but oh so close

tem said...

keith is old he has no time to waste.

BLUE said...

besides, dont you see his mad flows...he's gonna be rich in no time

Keef said...

Thanks kids

Meiz said...

I should ketchup

El Padrino said...

let's create an app to sell to apple

Beth said...

"let's create an app to sell to apple"

The iToilet.

El Padrino said...

what about the IWOE app

anytime you woe the phone buzzes you to remain positive

El Padrino said...

is there a I Lie Dector app?

tem said...

the iWoe

tem said...

it posts woe stories for you to tell to people

El Padrino said...

i need to make an additional 20K this year

tem said...

the iSporcle

Keef said...

"people will figure it out soon when she goes to bars and doesn't drink."

she rarely drinks when we go out so it wouldn't be out of the norm

tem said...

wow i2i with iWoe but they were different apps

tem said...

"she rarely drinks when we go out so it wouldn't be out of the norm"

you ruin too many comments with facts

Keef said...

"Condolences"


Why do you always have to shit in my cereal?


/mize

Keef said...

"congrats keef, takes a couple weeks to get that restraining order on csil? since she'll be mad she got beat on marriage and now child"


That's funny. She might off herself

Keef said...

"you better get rid of those mutts you have"

Why?


"and donate all that tuna to salvation army

cmk wont be eating it"

OK nervous nellie

Keef said...

"you ruin too many comments with facts"


i apologize

Keef said...

boss lady is doing a ridealong with me today. this blows

Keef said...

block

Keef said...

bold

Keef said...

bnew

tem said...

"i apologize"

apology accepted

Meiz said...

"i gave meiz advice over the weekend"


Huh?

#DEATH?

El Padrino said...

"OK nervous nellie"

pregnancy is no joke

ns

when you realize how much shit can actually go wrong you turn into a hypokondriact*

i understand back in the old days our parents went to the dr. office twice, once to find out and once to deliver but today the information is overwhelming

El Padrino said...

Huh?

#DEATH?

rub

Meiz said...

My vision seems fucked up. I'm blaming the lack of nicotine.

tem said...

a recent study has shown that humans immune systems are getting exponentially weaker due to all the drugs we take and all the times we use antibacterial stuff.

it said that by 2080 everyone will be allergic to basically everything and people will start dying from the common cold.

tem said...

"Hand sanitizer will be the downfall of humanity."

it leads to tent city

jugdish said...

Carlin - fear of germs

jugdish said...

good stuff

El Padrino said...

"a recent study has shown that humans immune systems are getting exponentially weaker due to all the drugs we take and all the times we use antibacterial stuff."

i know this

tem said...

george carlin is dead

Meiz said...

"i need to make an additional 20K this year"


A) You're a dickbag

B) Get a full time job at a UPS Store, dickbag.

Steve said...

"You're a dickbag"



YES!!!!


/EP

BLUE said...

that's about as useful as a bag full of dicks

tem said...

careful with those bags /kod

BLUE said...

"when you realize how much shit can actually go wrong you turn into a hypokondriact*"

you * stuff when you spell it wrong on purpose

if you don't know how to spelt it you use (sp)

BLUE said...

although I ran it through spellcheck

BLUE said...

that was a saying some farmer kid used to use when I was in college, or at university at teej would say

worst saying ever

tem said...

hypochondriac

Keef said...

"pregnancy is no joke

ns"

Not taking it for granted.


"when you realize how much shit can actually go wrong you turn into a hypokondriact*

i understand back in the old days our parents went to the dr. office twice, once to find out and once to deliver but today the information is overwhelming"


I understand this, too. But I've seen too many people freak out about every little thing. If cmk wants to have something like tuna or salmon & it's cooked, I'm not gonna raise a stink. No sushi, though

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