Thursday, June 24, 2010

The 3rd Annual No Knowledge NBA Draft Lottery Mock

1. The Washington Wizards select John Wall, guard who didn't graduate from Kentucky.

I'm pretty much sick of Calipari. I know that really has no bearing on the John Wall pick, but it really makes me want to see Wall fail. He could be a fail wall. Kind of like the twitter fail whale, but more immobile. And with less birds trying to carry him.

2. The Philadelphia 76ers select Derrick Favors, forward who didn't graduate from Georgia Tech.

Favors was born in 19 freaking 91. That's just weird. Yeah, Turner could go here, but he and IggyPop don't seem like they would be too compatible. Someone said Favors measures out to be Dwight Howard. Not exactly sure what that means, but I think he's still Derrick Favors no matter how you measure him.

3. The New Jersey Nyets select Wesley Johnson, forward who didn't graduate from Syracuse.

Somewhere, a russian child is screaming. That probably has nothing to do with this pick, but you never know. Who wants a player who went to Iowa State? I don't think New York needs anymore cyclones. They're already scared enough as it is. Plus Wesley is a sucky name.

4. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Evan Turner, guard who didn't graduate from Ohio State.

As a proud member of the trillion man march, I am required by law to call Evan Turner "The Villain." The Villian gets the shaft and has to move to Minnesota. But he really will up the explosiveness of the Wolfies by being able to be on the same court as phantom Rubio. Wizards and Villains go well together. Something something Kevin Love.

5. The Sacramento Kings select Greg Monroe, forward who didn't graduate from Georgetown.

A perfect match. To the team I know the least about, goes the player I know the least about. I know two players on Sacramento, Tyreke Evans and Kevin Smith, no Martin. I think. Apparently Monroe is left-handed. Hopefully he's not a big of a douche as Lefty. Not really sure what else to say about this.

6. The Golden State Warriors select DeMarcus Cousins, center who didn't graduate from Kentucky.

Where else do you want a dysfunctional, tempermental big man to go than a team coached by Don Nelson? This is going to be awesome. I could see this bringing us the first fight between coach and player since PJ and Spreeeeeeeeee. People keep saying Cousins in the best player in the draft. Crazy people are always the best.

7. The Detriot Pistons select Al-Farouq Aminu, guard who didn't graduate from Wake Forest.

Al's parents must hate him. What a terrible name. Also, Joe Dumars secretly wants to be fired, so he's making as many awful moves as he can. Charlie and Gordon and Aminu, what a great combination. There is no way the Pistons aren't picking in the lottery again next year. So how about that long Wimbledon match?

8. The Los Angeles Clippers select Ed Davis, forward who didn't graduated from North Carolina.

Thank God this is halfway over. Ed is a 6-10, 227 lb, 20 year-old from Richmond, Virginia. If you see those qualifications and read hall-of-famer, there's probably something wrong with you. Team Edward will be a servicable nobody. Yay!

9. The Utah Jazz select Cole Aldrich, center who didn't graduate from Kansas.

Utah sets it's eyes on regaining the whitest team in the league title from the Pacers. They go a long way with this pick of a big, white stiff from Minnesota. He's slow, awkward and white. There's really nothing more you could ask of a pick like this. Someone find this team some chocolate rain.

10. The Indiana Pacers select Gordon Hayward, guard who didn't graduate from Butler.

I can't decide if I really want this to happen or not. On one hand, it would be a tremendous boost to the fan base who is all in love with this guy. On the other, last time the fan base clamored for a player, the organization went another direction and that turned out pretty well (see Steve Alford vs. Reggie Miller). Gordo definitely has the skills, but the Pacers really don't need another 3. On the reals, I think they take Udoh or trade out.

11. The New Orleans Hornets select Epke Udoh, foward who didn't graduate from Baylor.

Great defender and whatnot. Has the wingspan to play center. Has two vowels in his first name. Chris Paul needs some help. I wonder where Udoh's name is from. He's from Oklahoma, but that name isn't hick enough for that state. He's 23 and was only a junior. Someone was not a very good student.

12. The Memphis No-Grizzlies-In-Sight select Luke Babbitt, forward who didn't graduate from Nevada.

For the purpose of this blurb, I'm going to pretend his last name is Rabbit. Because I can. Rabbit was also the name of Eminem's character in 8 mile. Maybe. I remember Rabbit being said as a name in that Lose Yourself song. Keith can probably confirm or deny since he loves him some em. Basketball-y stuff: Luke sucks on defense. He's white. Sometimes when he shoots, the ball doesn't touch the rim and he airballs it.

13. The Toronto Raptors select Patrick Patterson, forward who didn't graduate from Kentucky.

So, Pat is 6-8 and a power forward. I don't think that will work well in the NBA. And he doesn't really have the shot to be a 3. But the Raptors are losing Bosh anyway, so who cares? It's not like this team is going to matter. All things aside, it's not like there's anyone better on the board, might as well take someone who's been somewhat productive in college.

14. The Houston Rockets select Xavier Henry, guard who didn't graduate from Kansas.

It's only fitting that the guy who doesn't know how to pronounce his own named be taken with the last lottery pick. Why is that fitting, you might ask. Because stupid people are always last, that's why. Maybe he can be as big a letdown as Tracy McGrady. At least Henry will probably get out of the first round once in his life. Landon Donovan rules!

Please come back next year for more crappy analysis of the NBA Draft Lottery section.

376 comments:

1 – 200 of 376   Newer›   Newest»
JFreak said...

Say hi to your mother for me.

BLUE said...

good marky mark reference

Meiz said...

Cousins won't fall to 6.

4 at worst

jugdish said...

good post aitch

BLUE said...

jug knows a lot about basketball and graduation

JFreak said...

"Cousins won't fall to 6.

4 at worst"

Someone forgot not to take this seriously.

BLUE said...

yesterday, great sports day for blue.

first USA USA USA

then something else cool

then rockies beat the sawks with 2 HRs off of papelboner in the 9th....and they were no-doubters...fucking bombs

take that you fucking douche

BLUE said...

blue hates ghanareans


(yes this is a recycled joke from 2006 world cup)

JFreak said...

The US have a great shot at making the semis.

Ghana, then the winner of Uruguay-South Korea.

Yeah, shouldn't look ahead and all, but that looks mighty nice.

Beth said...

I just realized I've already lost my Braves-White Sox bet with jug.

Jug I'm out tomorrow so it's up to you whether you want to change my name and pic today through Tuesday or just wait and do it Monday thru Wednesday.

Meiz said...

Letting the new kid stumble around difficult customers is entertaining, at the least.

Meiz said...

"Someone forgot not to take this seriously."


Apologies

El Padrino said...

good stuff freak

ns

Beth said...

"Yeah, shouldn't look ahead and all"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I can see them getting by Ghana but not by Uruguay.

South American teams >>>>>> North American teams.

El Padrino said...

"Say hi to your mother for me."

Hey partridge, how are ya?

El Padrino said...

"Ghana, then the winner of Uruguay-South Korea.

Yeah, shouldn't look ahead and all, but that looks mighty nice."

plus, didnt ghana oust the US team in the last world cup?

El Padrino said...

my corn muffin has corn in it

wft

jugdish said...

Jug I'm out tomorrow so it's up to you whether you want to change my name and pic today through Tuesday or just wait and do it Monday thru Wednesday.


mon - wed is good...I'm off a half day tomorrow too

BLUE said...

"plus, didnt ghana oust the US team in the last world cup?"

yup

Meiz said...

"my corn muffin has corn in it"


I don't see how this is a problem.




My blueberry muffin has blueberries in it

WFT

JFreak said...

My chocolate chip cookie has chocolate chips in it.

WFT

El Padrino said...

"I don't see how this is a problem."

nerve saw that before, in all my travels any corn muffin i've gotten nerve had kurn* in it

anamoly i guess

BLUE said...

c'mon USA, act like you've been there...crying in the press conference is ridiculous...at least landon donovan didn't thank his therapist

JFreak said...

"South American teams >>>>>> North American teams."

The US has a much better chance against Uruguay than Argentina.

I'm very happy with our side of the bracket.

El Padrino said...

"My blueberry muffin has blueberries in it

WFT"

I want an equal amount of blueberries in every muffin.

name that movie and you'll win a prize

BLUE said...

on the flip side, my oatmeal raisin cookie doesn't have oatmeal or raisins in it, but it does have peanut butter.

Meiz said...

Casino?

Meiz said...

Casino

jugdish said...

which is it?

El Padrino said...

"Casino?"

good call, i'll send you a prize

El Padrino said...

"Casino"

google is grate

/keef

El Padrino said...

nets rejected a trade from New Orleans that would have sent CP3 to NJ because of cap implications of also taking Okafor in a confusing 3 team deal

BLUE said...

"Casino?"

good call, i'll send you a prize"


ok aitch

BLUE said...

"nets rejected a trade from New Orleans that would have sent CP3 to NJ because of cap implications of also taking Okafor in a confusing 3 team deal"

confusing russians is not hard

El Padrino said...

thought the same thing

okafor isnt that bad, his contract sucks but paired with Lopez and getting CP# is an upgrade

El Padrino said...

lemme lemme lemme lemmme upgradeee ya

BLUE said...

Hey chicken how's it hanging? A lot people want to eat you but i just wanna talk to you, ok?

We should do a film together, whattya think?

Chicken i'm not joking around, this is the real thing, this could be huge.

Ok, well think about it, say hi to your mother for me

El Padrino said...

love it

El Padrino said...

hey sheep how are ya

hey you were around for the first christmas weren't you?

betcha didn't think it be this huge huh?

oh yeah, well anyway, say hi to your mother for me.

BLUE said...

problem with that trade is that they already have devin harris

Todd Packer said...

"Say hi to your mother for me"

always funny

BLUE said...

the skit was funny, I think it got funnier because of marky mark's reaction

El Padrino said...

"problem with that trade is that they already have devin harris"

the best CP3 rumor out there is CP3 and Posey to Orlando for Jameer and Vinsanity

i wanna say Vince's contract expires this year

Todd Packer said...

ep, did you watch the SNY broadcast last night... seinfeld was in the booth. pretty funny

El Padrino said...

lov's most hated team is dangling Perk and the #19 pick to move up

Perk needs surgery though no?

El Padrino said...

"ep, did you watch the SNY broadcast last night... seinfeld was in the booth. pretty funny"

yes

i never really got on the seinfeld bandwagon but yeah, funny dude and any rerun i've seen has been funny

El Padrino said...

SNY broadcast, and i know this sounds like a homer comment, is the best in the business

Gary Keith and Ron somehow enhance the tv experience for me and alot of other met fans

that is not easy to do, usually you dont want to hear the broadcasters

El Padrino said...

yes

only caught the last inning he did
how many innings did he stay?

Beth said...

Nice golf pics meiz.

Todd Packer said...

"only caught the last inning he did
how many innings did he stay?"

i think he did 2 full innings... funny stuff with hernandez talking about the "second spitter" episode

El Padrino said...

if i was in midtown i'd get a nice falafel for lunch today

El Padrino said...

fuck this place

El Padrino said...

jersey city is an anus

Todd Packer said...

"Gary Keith and Ron somehow enhance the tv experience for me and alot of other met fans"

yeah, they're a good team. although ron and keith take a lot of time off.

El Padrino said...

"yeah, they're a good team. although ron and keith take a lot of time off."

keith takes the most, ron does double what keith does and also has that TBS gig starting soon

Todd Packer said...

staying in midtown when i go to ny in august

El Padrino said...

gore juice on her pants

El Padrino said...

"staying in midtown when i go to ny in august"

wise

El Padrino said...

SHOCK CLAIM: 'BP burning sea turtles alive'...

wft

El Padrino said...

"JOBS! Bank of America Hires 2,000 Staff to Handle Troubled Real Estate Loans... "

i'm in

/keef

El Padrino said...

"Approval for Mr. Obama has dropped among Hispanics, too, along with small-town residents, white women and seniors. African-Americans remain the firmest part of Mr. Obama's base, with 91% approving of his job performance."

approval ratings

El Padrino said...

at least black people are loyal

BLUE said...

he's given us the most...thanks obama

El Padrino said...

italy wft

tem said...

"ts rejected a trade from New Orleans that would have sent CP3 to NJ because of cap implications of also taking Okafor in a confusing 3 team deal"

sg and ford made up this rumor in their chat/mock draft.

tem said...

good post freak.

Grass Fairy said...

"approval ratings"


-it's interesting; Obama's approval rating among dems is only 5% higher than republicans (35% approval v. 30% approval).

-of course, that's because progressives everywhere were tricked

El Padrino said...

you've all been bamboozled

/zeke

BLUE said...

i'm voting for palin in 2012 anyway

jugdish said...

good call


/steve

tem said...

i'm voting for myself starting in 2012.

Beth said...

"i'm voting for myself starting in 2012"

Isn't US president a step down after being the leader of temhio?

jugdish said...

i'm voting for myself starting in 2012.


why don't you start now?

jugdish said...

Isn't US president a step down after being the leader of temhio?



no no, the all star game

Meiz said...

Tennis

El Padrino said...

sucks

Meiz said...

Its no touch football

tem said...

"Isn't US president a step down after being the leader of temhio?"

you assume i can't hold both positions at once.

tem said...

"why don't you start now?"

too young

BLUE said...

you should challenge that law

BLUE said...

re: Tennis match

the french guy would have surrendered hours ago if he was playing a german

BLUE said...

the french guy is putting up a fight longer than France did in all of WWII

BLUE said...

fuck france and the horse they rode in on

BLUE said...

french things are shitty

BLUE said...

like crepes

BLUE said...

and berets

BLUE said...

and frog's legs

BLUE said...

and french people

BLUE said...

bosh is gonna be on entourage?

BLUE said...

he's hanging out with turtle

BLUE said...

i think that means he's signing with the lakers

BLUE said...

or the clippers

Beth said...

What's wrong with crepes? They're just really thin pancakes.

(And yes spiff, I'm sure I'm off on the exact quote, no need to correct it.)

BLUE said...

but more likely the lakers

BLUE said...

because nobody signs with the clippers

BLUE said...

well except baron davis

Steve said...

USA! USA! USA!

BLUE said...

and look how well that turned out

BLUE said...

i'm proud to be an american

BLUE said...

all this bullshit about soccer gaining popularity...people won't give a shit until we actually win the cup...then, maybe, you'll see the popularity start to really grow.

Spaceman Spiff said...

"italy wft"

dont deserve it, fucking horrible flop to get a penalty kick just to get a draw last match

Spaceman Spiff said...

its over italy down 0-2


ahahahha

Spaceman Spiff said...

italy and france being out is suite

Meiz said...

"because nobody signs with the clippers"


LeBron

Grass Fairy said...

"The soccer fiasco is taking an increasing political turn in France, where the leading sports daily L'Equipe had dubbed the debacle "A State Scandal.

(French President) Sarkozy has vowed to personally investigate the matter. He met with prime minister Francois Fillon and sports minister Roselyne Bachelot on Wednesday to discuss ways to reform French soccer."


-They might be taking the WC a little bit too seriously over there

BLUE said...

hey goat, how ya doin

I like your beard. I had a suite beard like that in the perfect storm. Did you see that movie? The perfect storm.

well ok, say hi to your mother for me

Grass Fairy said...

"all this bullshit about soccer gaining popularity...people won't give a shit until we actually win the cup...then, maybe, you'll see the popularity start to really grow."


-they say that at every World Cup (at least, since the early 1990s) and the popularity always seems to drop back down right after.

El Padrino said...

2-1

Beth said...

68 all in tennis. So much for it ending in a few quick games today.

El Padrino said...

nother disaster flop too

Spaceman Spiff said...

love it or leave it EP

El Padrino said...

"68 all in tennis. So much for it ending in a few quick games today."

this has to be fixed somehow

Spaceman Spiff said...

"LeBron"

would be hilarity

Spaceman Spiff said...

might have reverse jinxed italy, have to watch what i post

El Padrino said...

another awful offsides call preventing it from 2-2

Spaceman Spiff said...

suite, italy called offsides on the equalizer

El Padrino said...

holy shit the offsides calls are just horrendous

makes a bad rule even worse

Spaceman Spiff said...

if italy played like this all match AHIIK, theyd be up a few goals

Spaceman Spiff said...

3-1, dunzo

JFreak said...

Slovakia!

Great throw-in set up.

El Padrino said...

over 3-1

El Padrino said...

i'm texting all my italian friends

JFreak said...

"another awful offsides call preventing it from 2-2"

Wrong.

This offsides was correct. His torso was clearly ahead of the defender.

El Padrino said...

btw the coach is not allowed back into the country (for not making the 16)

ns

El Padrino said...

"This offsides was correct. His torso was clearly ahead of the defender."

oh ok

(weirdo)

El Padrino said...

3-2

wft

Meiz said...

Some bitch just crashed into the building


NS

jugdish said...

love it or leave it LP

/Lp's italian friends

El Padrino said...

your store?

jugdish said...

Some bitch just crashed into the building


pics

Spaceman Spiff said...

algeria used this same sub to kill time move yesterday

El Padrino said...

if italy scores again they advance, 0-0 the other game is over

JFreak said...

Equalizer attempt just wide.

Great look, terrible shot.

El Padrino said...

goodnight fresh mozz

El Padrino said...

my neighborhood is going to be a morgue

El Padrino said...

just embarrassing for the guidos

slovakia's first time and i dont think they ever got elimanted in the first round

El Padrino said...

USA USA USA!

Spaceman Spiff said...

were no longer the champions my friend
but we kept on flopping til the end

JFreak said...

First time Italy hasn't gotten out of group since 1974.

El Padrino said...

by the way your boy strat lost to the royals last night

THAT JUST HAPPENED

El Padrino said...

fuck strasburg

Spaceman Spiff said...

pumped about all the bickering on top chef, usually people only throw their own teammates under the bus to move on

El Padrino said...

"John Isner of the U.S. beat France's Nicolas Mahut 70-68 in the fifth set at Wimbledon in longest tennis match ever played."

USA USA USA!!!!

JFreak said...

The American finally beat the Frenchie.

BLUE said...

thank god

El Padrino said...

USA
USA
USA!

El Padrino said...

domination

we should start a USAUSAUSA.com blog and post every little silly thing we do well on it and always follow it with a

USA USA USA

El Padrino said...

satire

"An Ohio man got a new job today."

USA USA USA!

El Padrino said...

"A Arizona man beat a speeding ticket in court today. The cop who issued the ticket was of Polish descent."

USA USA USA!

El Padrino said...

*An

Keef said...

i'm texting all my italian friends
USA! USA! USA!


*fized

Keef said...

"this has to be fixed somehow"

mos def

Keef said...

I didn't win powerball

El Padrino said...

was it close

Keef said...

got 2 numbers

Steve said...

"They might be taking the WC a little bit too seriously over there"

Yea. I read another article where half of England is pissed off at the other half because they are waving the wrong flag in support of their team.

BLUE said...

how can you wave the wrong flag?

Keef said...

jug
Have you seen that reality show on MLBN that follows what Reinsdorf, Williams, & Guillen do throughout the year?

Steve said...

"how can you wave the wrong flag?"

The have the Union Jack which is their offical national flag but then there is also the St George Cross (kinda like the Conferderate Flag but without the racial undertones) that some people are flying.

The south argues that the Conferderate Flag is about the heritage of the south and these Brits argue that this flag is about the heritage of english sports.

Spaceman Spiff said...

only really seen that st george cross at the world cup, its used as their flag on espn, their jersey colors are only red and white

BLUE said...

fuck england damn redcoats

tem said...

soccer sucks

Keef said...

So if Italy would of* tied, they would be tied with New Zealand and the tiebreaker would be to pull a name out of a hat to determine the team who advanced?

SOccer sucks

Steve said...

"fuck england damn redcoats"


non doubt. it's nice to read about other countries acting bat-shit-crazy about little petty things.

El Padrino said...

"Amazon’s Gold Box Deal of the Day today is the Fraggle Rock: The Complete Series Collection on DVD for only $37.49, 63% off the $99.98 suggested retail price. The deal will only be good until tonight (Thursday) at midnight."

keef

El Padrino said...

The lawyer for 66-year-old Jacqueline Deravin, a disabled former corrections officer, is demanding an investigation into how police handled his client's arrest in her Queens home earlier this month. Deravin says she called 911 because her daughter's ex-boyfriend was threatening her, but when cops arrived they treated her like the perp, dragging her off a bed and tossing her into a doorknob. She tells the Daily News, "My eye fell out onto my cheek."


damn, hate when my eye falls out of my socket

El Padrino said...

"seinfeld, who is a big-time Mets fan, spent 4 1/2 innings with Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez"

tp needs some ginko biloba

Keef said...

"keef"

Was that (s)?

El Padrino said...

bobby to manage marlins

El Padrino said...

V

El Padrino said...

now i'm scurred

El Padrino said...

he will maximize that teams talent

El Padrino said...

"Was that (s)?"

didnt you bring up some fraggle rock one day

Keef said...

"didnt you bring up some fraggle rock one day"

I don't think so, Tim

El Padrino said...

oh

BLUE said...

tem is the fraggle rock guy

BLUE said...

and maybe jug, and probably kod because he always gets all those obscure references.

El Padrino said...

“Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria has already told him he’s his guy,” the source said.

Keef said...

"oh"

IO

Keef said...

You've come to the other side. Suite

jugdish said...

im not the fraggle rock guy...sounds more like freak to me

Keef said...

freak likes Faggle Rock

Keef said...

He DVRs it while soccer & cycling is on

BLUE said...

freak likes soccer

what are you guys missing, it's obvious

El Padrino said...

"I’m working with two clothing lines, and an iPhone app—it’s a GTL locator. Wherever you are in the U.S., you can locate your nearest gym, tanning, and laundry.”


GTL locator, brilliant

Keef said...

jersey shore is dumb

Keef said...

CGLPINF said it's dumb on FB

tem said...

i make fraggle rock references a lot.

tem said...

i do not want to watch any more episodes though.

tem said...

i am content with my partially correct info and statements i make about fraggle rock.

BLUE said...

38$ is pretty cheap though to enhance your fraggle rock knowledge.

Steve said...

Hey Accountants!

If I put 500.00 a savings account 18 years ago what would I have now?

Keef said...

-160

BLUE said...

there you go

BLUE said...

you'd probably have $500

tem said...

"If I put 500.00 a savings account 18 years ago what would I have now?"


probably like $850.

tem said...

maybe $1k

Beth said...

"If I put 500.00 a savings account 18 years ago what would I have now?"

Shouldn't your legal guardian be keeping track of this for you?

Grass Fairy said...

I'm a fraggle rock guy myself; haven't seen it in ages though either

Grass Fairy said...

"If I put 500.00 a savings account 18 years ago what would I have now?"

my math says about $590 (assuming a 1% interest rate over that time)

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"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





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"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





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"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino