NFL Camp Openings

A little nugget as each camp opens yesterday, today and tomorrow. Giddy up.

NFC East : Another dogfight year but this year the Cowboys won't be in it.

Giants - Who's catching red zone TD's?
Eagles - No Westbrook the entire camp.
Skins - Signed Orakpo, will JC finally breakthrough?
Cowboys - Damn Jessica Simpson, the break-up just raised their record.

NFC North : A heavy Norris division this year. Solid football games.

Packers - Nice quiet off-season this year.....haven't heard boo.
Vikings - How do they look Tavaris Jackson in the eye and say "You're our guy?"
Bears - Cutler.
Detroit - They hired the Titans def co right? Poor guy.

NFC South : These teams always rotate, is it the Panthers turn?

Bucs - TP is older than Raheem Morris.
Panthers - I'm big on the Panthers this year.
Falcons - Great nucleus, Gonzo gives Ryan a nice Linus blanket.
Saints - Will Brees continue to waste 300+yd games?

NFC West : Much more competitive than years past.

Cards - Back down to earth?
St. Louis - Marc Bulger died last year?
49ers - Are back.
Seattle - Hasselback finally has a target in Hous-ya-mama.

AFC East : Ultra competitive division now that the Fins are back.

Pats - Someone is back.
Jets - Someone is gone.
Dolphins - Someone is still there.
Bills - Someone arrived.

AFC North : Steelers division to lose.

Steelers - Repeating in the NFL is very difficult.
Ravens - Building something here, 2 years away.
Bungles - Carson Palmer needs to take over.
Browns - Mangenius!

AFC South : Colts making the playoffs?

Jags - Bounce back year.
Texans - Optimism is high, would be nice to finish strong for a change.
Colts - With Dungy gone let's see what impact Caldwell will have.
Titans - Dominant last year, same team this year.

AFC West : If the Chargers don't win the division I'll change my name to Nancy.

Broncos - What a bad off-season.
Chargers - Loaded. Again.
Raiders - Awful but pesky.
Chiefs - Cassell got paid what?

In other news, the Sawx might get Victor Martinez. Trade deadline today.

NY Media is hilarity with the Ortiz coverage. As if the Yanks weren't loaded with a small team of needleheads themselves.

And I'm done.

Not feeling this

I'm not feeling this right now.

I might go on hiatus.

Ate. Thirty-Six.

Man, work has been crazy. That's why I haven't been around lately. Way too much work. Seriously, it's like DEFCON 1 over here. And I had to go to a No Doubt concert last night for gf's birfday, so I actually wrote this Tuesday morning. Yes, the No Doubt tickets were expensive. Yes, I am aware that I will be shamed for admitting that I went to/paid a grip to go to a No Doubt concert. I am too tired to care. ::UPDATE:: It was ok, I guess. No Doubt was ok, Paramore was a snoozer, I was most impressed with the opening band, The Sounds. Really cool Swedish band. Dammit, why are Swedish bands always awesome?

As Tem reported yesterday, the Hornets swap Tyson Chandler for Emeka Okafor. I guess it makes sense for both sides. Hornets get a dude that can do the same things Chandler can, but at a discount, and the Bobcats cut salary at the end of the next season. Okafor has had some injuries in the past (but he's coming off back-to-back 82 game seasons), however, the Hornets are banking on the fact that he will play more than the half seasons that Chandler was giving them. Charlotte needs to have their team taken away from both the city and the owner and they need to move it all to Seattle. Because the ownership and the fan base is inept. I'm just sayin'.

Simmons FINALLY realizes that everyone hates Boston, especially the Celtics. It's about 3/4 of the way through the article, right next to the Rondo pic. Yes, no one likes the Celtics unless you were born in Boston or still live there for some reason. Not exactly a newsflash.

But the funniest part of that Simmons article is where he plays the Bill Simmons And Then Game™ and turns the Clippers into a Championship team that can charge Lakers ticket prices and features LeBron as it's centerpiece. And it will only cost you about a billion dollars to do. So if you've got that laying around, you should think about it. You'd probably be contractually obligated to hire Simmons on as your GM though. The funny thing is that he doesn't really talk about making a profit, other than "charging Lakers ticket prices" and "selling a bunch of jerseys". That's what happened to Cuban, he bought the team, paid a ton for players/coaches, did a lot of cool stuff to the arena, and guess what?, he has admitted that he loses money on the Mavs each season, even at the height of their popularity a few years ago. So you're talking about almost paying almost triple for the Clippers than Cuban did for the Mavs, and you've got one of the greatest franchises in the league as your direct competition in the same market, and all you have to do is "charge Lakers ticket prices" and "sell more jerseys" and you think you're going to break even? That is why Simmons is a sports writer. Dude, just stick to writing about sports and not coming up with hare-brained schemes like you're Wile E. Coyote trying to catch the Roadrunner. Just stop already.

Allegedly Marvin Harrison likes to allegedly shoot people allegedly. A alleged second man has allegedly come forward and allegedly said that Harrsion allegedly popped an alleged cap in him. Allegedly. Please do not sue me Marvin Harrison.

Farve Watch 2009: IS OVER!!! Yeah, that's right, he's going to stay retired! Praise Allah!!! Oh man, I can die in peace now.

World Wide Bleeder reports that the Jays-Phillies talks "aren't going well". Really? Thanks for that info.

Josh Willingham was on the main page of Yahoo's fantasy page the other day and the article was saying that he should be owned because he's been raking the last couple of months. I looked into it and almost added him, but my outfield is pretty set in both leagues, so I decided to hold off on it. I could have added him in time for the game where he hit two grand slams. I am an awesome fantasy manager.

DESPITE the fact that Hank Aaron is now actively campaigning for Pete Rose to be put into the Hall of Fame, Selig is still "reviewing" Rose's case. What the hell is there to review? Has Selig been in a coma the last 20 years? I'm sure he got an ass-full about Rose from the last commish when he took over, so besides Pete Rose himself, he pretty much knows all there is to know about the deal; so either lift the suspension or don't. And if you're going to do it, please do it sometime soon. According to ESPN Selig is now "seriously considering" it. Good to know the situation has been upgraded. Next week we will be at "kinda, sorta thinking about maybe reinstating him at some point" status. Stay tuned...

And that's it, I've got shit to do.

Ejukayt

License Plate

That's the license plate I saw on a WV car during my trip home from SC. I am not sure if the apparent teacher driving the car thinks that is how educate is spelled or not. I was going to ask her, but she was really mean looking.


Mini Temrant 1

I don't like it when people hold events "for breast cancer" or any cancer for that matter. There is a Thanksgiving Day Run For Breast Cancer here. And a Mini Marathon For Cancer. So these events are pro cancer?? Got it, they like cancer. There is the Race For The Cure, that makes sense. There is also some things that are the ______ For Breast Cancer Awareness, that makes sense. But just ending the thing after the word cancer doesn't make sense. I never donate anything to causes that are pro cancer.

Mini Temrant 2

Hey Pro Life people, you're signs are dumb. I was driving home and saw a sign that said "Abortion Stops a Beating" and then had a picture of a heart up by the word abortion. The picture wasn't down by beating, so I just thought the sign was pro abortion and meant that abortion stops some guy from beating his kid. I thought it was a pretty good pro abortion argument. I mean, who wants to see a baby beat up? So maybe someone over at the Pro Life camp can move that heart down or something, or better yet just put the freaking word on the sign.

Sports Talk

Lance got 3rd or something and I couldn't care less. That is right, I care the least about cycling. I even care more about soccer, which isn't saying much. At least soccer doesn't make your balls fall off. Although soccer might make you gay, which would be worse than having a ball fall off. That's right, I said it, I'd rather have one nut than be gay.

That swimming dude Phelps still is getting time on WWL. When will this end? I thought I wouldn't have to read about him or hear about him until the 2012 Olympics. Swimming is dumb too.

Hornets trade for Okafor. Not sure how he is an upgrade over Chandler. They save about $1M which is nice, but are on the hook for like 3 more years of Okafor. I guess Okafor is healthier, but still it doesn't sound like a huge upgrade for me.

I am tired of sports talk.

Mini Temrant 3

Hey ESPN baseball coverage, If some guy is batting and you post at the top of the screen that his OBP is .350 and his Slugging % is .500 then you do not need to tell me that his OPS is .850. Please stop doing that. Maybe throw up his batting average or something instead. Thanks and Regards.

tem movie review

Orphan.

This movie is about 1 man's quest for the perfect woman. That's right, the perfect woman. He wants a hot Orphan chick. Why you ask? Easy:

1) no in laws means no arguing with them
2) chick has abandonment issues, easy to capitalize on, but be wary because it could backfire
3) by definition a hot orphan chick is a hot chick
4) bar is set low for dates, chick only knows orphan stuff which must not be great or more people would want to be orphans
5) any house will make her happy
6) no in laws means no arguing over whose family to go see for the holidays
7) trip out of state qualifies as a quality vacation

the list could go on, but I am bored with this and running out of time.

Anyway, the dude never finds the chick and settles from some fatty with a family.

The End.

1.5 helmet stickers out of 5. Debbie Downer of a movie for sure.

I will not be an as. this week

So on Saturday we put an offer on a house and we found out on Sunday that they accepted the offer. So I guess that's good. Now we have to get inspectors and shit out there to make sure it's not a fake house or something. We'll also have them check to make sure that you can't get lost in the pool.

Sports this weekend....

Um, some guy with 2 testes won the bike race in France. Way to go!! Lance will find a new way to dope in the next 11 months so that he can win again next year.

HOF inductions were alright. Some lady whose dad was inducted spoke for a long time. Jim Rice was boring. Even Rickey was boring for Rickey. If he was anyone else it would have been a hilarity speech, but it wasn't full-on Rickey. Rickey doesn't use the (s) on the end of his words when he's using them in a plural tense. If you missed his speech, here it is

Vernon Forrest is the latest boxer to get murdered. Apparently he was filling up at a gas station about midnight and 2 dudes tried to carjack him. But he pulled out a gun and ended up getting shot. Typical. If he would have grabbed his gf's daughter and just let them take the car, he'd still be alive. Just like people that own a gun in the house. Odds are good that they'll probably get kilt by gunfire if they get robbed.

The Blue Jays are ratarded. Rejecting an offer for Halladay that included J.A. Happ, and 3 of Philly's top AAA position players. They won't get anything close to that. Fuck Canada.

Speaking of fuck Canada, the PGA was up north for a tourney this weekend but it rained all weekend so they'll probably have to shorten it to 54 holes. Serves you right. Now get rid of all your French speaking folk.

TO doesn't think Vick should be suspended. Apparently it's like beating a dead zorse in the ground. That would be hard to do. The ground is hard, yo. And zorses are big, yo. TO also said something like Goodell would be stupid for doing it. TO must have nerve met Goodell, or else he wouldn't have said that. Goodell could very easily have TO kilt. Another funny TO quote... "Michael Vick is a guy that really hasn't had any character issues besides [what] he got a prison sentence for, so why not." So he's a good character guy, except for the federal charges that got him a 2 year prison sentence. Got it. I get TO's point, to a degree. Vick has served his time, but Goodell still has to do something. Vick's punishment was from the gubment, not the NFL. Goodell wants to get in on the fun, too.

Three Sheets is back on TV. But it's on Fine Living Network. I don't get that network. Woe

That is all.

Blogs Rule Old People Drool

Jay Mariotti is a dickless bitch.

I'm a little confused as to why people still don't take blogs seriously. Is it because of the comment boards? Is it because for every great blog there is a different blog that acts reckless and immature? But wouldn't an educated reader see through the bullshit and read reputable blogs?

Why is the Internet blamed for everything these days? Does Jay Mariotti really think this happened because bloggers thought Erin Andrews was hot? I'd like to ask Jay himself if he thinks Erin Andrews is attractive. Just to see him trip over his own tongue. First of all, we don't even know if this was staged or not. ESPN/DISNEY/Erin's lawyers are certainly putting up a strong front as if it's not and that's fine but that doesn't mean that this wasn't a calculated move and that she knew she was being taped.

I'm just a little sick and tired of old people with old jobs hating on new people with new jobs. I am just as saddened as you that newspapers can't make a dime. I like newspapers and still think they are a necessary publication but yet I read most of them online. You know why? Because it's 2009 and they don't charge you to read it. So, I pay 1.25 cents for the NY Times or I read it online for free. No brainer right? Newspapers did a poor job of managing expectations, ad dollars and dwindling subscription numbers. It's not a bloggers fault that they are dying. Hell even our favorite sportswriters have blogs. They also have Twitters/Facebooks and all kinds of tools that reference their sites. They should sell more advertising on the homepages instead of the print copies. Offer exclusive web only stories, update the site as new breaks (which most do, jus sayin) and charge for content (as you see fit, I still refuse to pay WSJ but some people do). Get in the game newspapers.

I guess I'll touch on some sports now. Perfect games are purrrdy.

Zeke was yammering about this yesterday but the new NFL draft format sounds cool. PST'ers get fucked but I'm ok with that. Although it does fuck with my timetable as far as getting out a Mock Draft on that Friday. In my face I guess. NBA has success with a primetime draft so this will work. Plus ad revenues from the primetime telecast will be astronomical. I just think it should have been Friday night, 1st round, then all day Saturday to finish. Then you have Sunday for a special programming feat. Mort yelling fake news with a panel of former players who sucked and now need money. That seems like the better.

NYC news of the day : Rabbi busted for selling kidney's. Fucking Jews.

It's Friday. You know the dance. Do it.

The A-hole tastes nasty

Because freak likes to have videos...and while dullfully inappropriate, it still makes me laugh.

Eight. Three. One.

Michael Vick might play some fooseball. Don't know if it will be play in the National Fooseball League or the Podunk Football League. I don't know who I'm more tired of hearing news about; Michael Vick or Brett Farve. I'm probably still going to go with Bert.

Speaking of the UFL, J.P. Losman signed with them. Man, he was starting at one point last year, right?

Jays say that the Halladay trade deadline is the 28th. Sounds like he won't be dealt.

Manny has a boo-boo on his hand after getting hit by a pitch. Stupid Homer Bailey.

Phillies win 10 in a row. Blah, blah, blah.

Yao has surgery. People are saying the sky is falling if he's dunzo cuz the Chinese market is huge and if he can't play anymore, it's up to the Chairman, and I don't think Stern is going to be too happy about that.

The Wolves send Sebastian Telfair, Mark Madsen and Craig Smith to the Clippers for Quentin Richardson. Some people are saying this is clearing room for the Wolves to sign Ricky Rubio, and I like it from their perspective. They get rid of three scrubs and get a guy that can help them right now, and his $9 million comes off the books at the end of the year. It also clears up some playing time for Jonny Flynn and Rubio is they end up signing him (which this trade will help them to do). For the Clippers, I just don't understand what they're doing. They need backcourt help, but Telfair? In L.A.? Does anyone think this is a good idea? Besides their first pick, which was a no-brainer, I just don't understand Dunleavey's plan. And that's why they're the Clippers.

Marc Anthony buys part of the Dolphins? Expect to see tons of shots of him with Jlo in an executive box during every Miami home game. Great.

No plate

I didn't see a plate that I couldn't decipher on my own. I know, shocking and surprising.

By the by I am drunk whilst writing this. I am sitting in the condo listening to my dad bitch about his 4 hour layover in Atlanta. My cousin Dave got here in 3hrs and my dad had a 4hr layover. It is mind bottling to him. I tried to tell him Beth was in Atlanta, but I just got a blank stare....he isn't a lawyer, so he wouldn't get anywhere anyway.

Tom Watson gets 2nd and a big jump in the rankings...whoop de dooo. Can't play next year old timer. Have fun dominating the senior tour.

Apparently some space movie about a chimp is on. Ed Harris is in it. I have no clue what we are watching.

Dad is amazed I can type without looking at the keyboard. I am amazed I am spelling relatively well.

I have no sports talk or movie review. I am on vacation and tired.

I almost shit myself tonight

Goddman monsoons here are crazy, you. Tonight, it was a lightning show all around us. I played softball, subbing in for my buddy's team, and there was lightning all around. I don't know why they didn't cancel the game. I was playing shortstop, and on one play there was a short pop fly to left field. I ran out and just as the ball hit my glove, a bolt of lightning hit out near the parking lot of the fields and there was a loud crack as soon as it hit. Call me a pussy, but I made a beeline for the dugout as soon as that hit. I had to check my shorts when I got in there. AJA, it was the 3rd out so it wasn't like I just ran off the field in the middle of the inning.

I wish I watched more golf this weekend. All I saw was the last 3 holes that Watson played before the playoff. I was really rooting for the old fuck, but I wasn't SOS that he choked it away. But I'm happy for Cink. Seems like a good guy. And he has tem's hair.

Hey Taliboners, let our troop go. Fuck faces.

I still have not and will not see Bruno. Sorry you had to experience that, zeke.

Looking for houses is awful. I was looking forward to going around and finding our first house, but the experience is just terrible. I would not recommend it to anyone. One house has a great interior, and the yard is fucked. Another has a suite yard, and the inside needs $50k invested to fix it up. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.I feel like mize right now.

Here's aitch's band. Good stuff. NS
New Day Rising - Save a Horse


The Reds have a better record than the Mess. I can almost taste the steak with hot sauce dinner that EP will owe me.

"McGriff, 81, becomes oldest to race in NASCAR series event". Wow, I didn't realize the Crime Dog was that old.

Go comment.

situational lefty

I'm incredibly busy but will give LOV the time of day out of love and loyalty. Last night my home pc started doing weird things like typing my comments backwards, then it ran the motor? for like 20 minutes, loud, then firefox crashed and then Itunes wouldn't work. Then I fixed it. I don't know how but at like 11pm it worked.

Wade should be stoked Boozer might be headed his way. It appears this will happen. David Lee to get that Portland offer he's been waiting for. Do you guys think that the Restricted Free Agent system in the NBA is A) good for the game and B) should baseball adapt something like this?

Wait John Daly golfs professionaly still? Man he's like Teflon. PGA doesn't take tour cards away for sleeping in Hooters? Has he ever broken the law? He's my favorite golfer, I'll watch him, not Tiger if he's involved in any tournament. John Daly : The Every Man's Golfer.

You think Tiger Woods drinks? If so what's his go to drink. And if he drinks beer does he drink Heinken or Sapporo? I need to know.

Shoe news, Wade part of Team Jumpman. No clue Nike owned Converse. I used to know all this shoe stuff but I grew up and can no longer afford 20 pairs of crispy Air Force One's, blanco on blanco as Fat Joe would say.

Financial News : Here's what happens when you don't have to mark down zero priced securities. I guess the Smith Barney sale helped. Could of had this had a buck. Shame on me.

Bombing in Indonesia. News outlets can just recycle those headlines. This happens often.

It's obvious the Mets can't compete for the division with that line-up but Wright, is right. Time to stop blaming those injuries. Shittier teams have won with lineups that people did a double take on. Just tie the cleats tight and play ball.

Giants report August 3rd.

Sports by Brooks was at the Dodger game last night.

That is all.

Placeholder

These words are placeholders for words that will come later.

So...No major sports happened yesterday. Not much to review, I suppose. ESPYs happened, but won't be shown until Sunday, because who likes watching things live?

Baseball is back today, yay!

Tiger apparently has already gone out and posted a +1 in the first round of the British thing. Isn't he supposed to be good?

It was covered in the comments, but Jeremy Mayfield, the NASCAR driver who tested positive meth had another positive test 5 days after he was reinstated. NASCAR says it was a random test that caught him. BS. There is no chance it was a random test. You can't tell me a guy is reinstated and 5 days later is tested and it's a random happenstance. By the by, how stupid do you have to be to get caught for the same thing you were just caught for? Ratard.

Why in the world did the Ravens pay Suggs that much? He's something like ~3 million per year higher than the next LB with a contract. He's good, but he's not 3 million better than any other LB out there. Actual Suggs quote, "It wasn't about the money." You can say that Suggs, but you might want to know that your pants are on fire.

I'm hungry, I think I will make some breakfast.

826.

So the AL wins another All-Star game. 13th time in a row. I thought that if the NL was going to win, this year would have been one of their best chances. It was in an NL park, there were some key injuries; and the NL's pitching at least on paper, was pretty strong. It was a close game though, if Crawford didn't make that catch, things might have been different. Oh well, I guess there's always next year.

Pedro is a Phillie. OFB moves south. Also, Shane Victorino: not an All-Star. Some radio station had three college kids vote for him for 52 hours non-stop. Lamesauce.

WNBA News: Diana Taurasi is facing 3 drunk-driving charges. THREE. Dood, I know you're only making slightly above what a school teacher makes playing women's professional basketball, but hire a driver. Also, you might have a little problem.

More WNBA News: apparently, they have an All-Star game and they announced the starters. Eastern Conference: Tamika Catchings, Candice Dupree, Sylvia Fowles, Katie Douglas, and Alana Beard. Western Conference: Lauren Jackson, Swin Cash, Lisa Leslie, Becky Hammon, Sue Bird. I have no idear who any of these people are.

Even MORE WNBA News: Allen Iverson is seriously considering signing with the Clippers. Ha, see what I did there? Because the Clippers...nevermind. Anyways, the Clippers could have had him a couple of years ago, but didn't want to trade Shaun Livingston, and that ended well. And that was when they really, really needed a shooting guard. Now they have a good starting in Eric Gordon, and they're going to want Iverson to come off the bench. Hmmmm, sure, why not, I guess it could work. At some point he'll be starting, because Baron Davis is the Clippers starting Point Guard, and he's not the healthiest dude around. It gives them backcourt depth, which they REALLY need, but I don't know if Iverson is the kind of mentor the Clips want/need because they've got a young team and they've also already got Ricky Davis on their team. Good luck if he signs.

The Suns are going to wait and see before they give STAT a couple of Brinks trucks full of money. This will not end well.

Twolves are still saying they want Rubio to play for them. Yeah. Uh-huh.

Chiefs give Cassel a six year contract extension, even though he hasn't played one down for them and they still have to get people for him to throw to. Not really what I would have done, but then again, I'm not running an NFL team.

Apparently, Selig is still considering Pete Rose's application for reinstatement. Unfortunately, the AP writer on the story failed to notice the sarcastic air quotes Selig used when he said he was "considering" the application. Snowball's chance in hell Rose gets in. Which is ra-tarded because he is Charlie Hustle. Let him in already.

DNJ6 DTR

LICENSE PLATE TIME

DNJ6 DTR, that's the latest license plate for all you Jr. Encyclopedia Browns to decode. I've got nothing. Nothing at all. So have at it.


SHAMFORD TIME

Does Shamford still write a blog? I hope not. In any case this part of the post is going to be a Shamford style recap of the prior night's events:

Nelson Cruz wins the Home Run Derby. He beat Poo-holes in the final. Poo-holes had a chance to tie at the end but one of the little kids in the outfield robbed him of a HR. Damn little bastard brought the ball back into the park. Word is Cruz gave him $10,000.

Ravens receiver Mark Clayton is going to retire. After about 35 seasons with the Dolphins and Ravens it is about time. I still don't know how he never broke any receiving records. He had over 1,000 yards last year, so that was the greatest.season.evar. by a 62yr old.

At the British Open Tiger is paired with young golfing phenom Michelle Wie. This is a historical pairing on many levels. I don't think our generation will comprehend it for many moons.

Halladay is going to start the All Star game, but the American League is looking to trade him to the National league before the start of the game. That means he can't pitch for the American League. I wonder who National League manager Joe Torre, coaching his first NL all star team, is going to send to the mound now??? Toughest.decision.ever.

Things Tem Thinks, clearly a rip off of MMQB

Tem thinks UFC >>>>> boxing. But boxing is still cool.

Tem thinks calling Prince Fielder the Prince of Pop makes it sound like he is going to be an alleged child molester in a few years....and if the King of Pop is dead, why didn't Prince get promoted?

Tem is not sure why people are asking this Supreme Court appointee about her Hike School days. That was like 50 years ago. Ask her about some shit from the last 2 decades please.

Tem thinks that NBA summer league started, but isn't positive. You all better check that out for yourselves.

Tem thinks that old asian ladies in minivans should be illegal. Nothing is worse at driving than an old asian lady driving a minivan.

Tem thinks he has no clue how Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise's kid played Will Smith's character as a young boy in Seven Pounds. Mind bottling.

Tem Movie Review

The Ugly Truth

Warning Chick Flick:

This movie is about a group of chicks who think they are hotter than they really are. At the beginning of the movie they keep trying to date over their heads and they are mean to all the normal looking people who hit on them. Then finally one of them hits on some supermodel looking dude and he laughs them off and tells them "The Ugly Truth." Yep, he tells them that they are ugly and their world spins out of control. Much Drama ensues.

The chicks have no clue how to handle not being hot. For years they thought they were, but now that they know the truth they are heartbroken. They start dating comic book guy from the Simpsons and the whole cast of Big Bang Theory, but they still aren't happy. One by one they kill themselves off until just one ugly chick is left. Then some dude starts dating the ugly chick and builds her confidence up. Once her confidence is built up she dumps him and goes back to trying to date over her head again.

This is the most realistic movie ever.

2 helmet stickers out of 5. Both stickers for being so realistic.

Welcome back, EP!!

What a weekend it was. Brock Lesnar showed what kind of badas. he really is. But he also showed that his douchebaggery >>>>>>>>>>>>>> than his badas.ery. Dude thinks he’s still in rassling and that yelling during interviews is cool.

Lance Armstrong still has one ball.

Manny Acta tolt the Spanish ESPN that he’s been fired. I wish I spoke Spanish so I could confirm it. But I can tell you this. ESPN in Spanish is ESPN. Knowing is knowledge.

Kim Jong Il has Patrick Swayze's disease. Sucks for him. Good for America

Last week was not one of my better weeks of LoV bets. Losing 4 bets within 48 hours of each other suckt. I’m paying off zeke today. Tuesday I’ll pay Tyler. Wednesday I’ll pay off TP. Thursday I’ll pay off tem. Goddman.

And now a special treat for EP. While he was on vacation, I put together a little bit of a This Is Your Life episode for him and the rest of you can play along too…

1) Who is EP’s all-time favorite baseball player?
2) Who is EP’s favorite Ultimate Fighter?
3) EP’s favorite all-time NASCAR driver is?
4) Do we all remember EP’s favorite NBA player?
5) And have we all been made aware of his favorite store?
6) I’d be surprised if anyone can guess EP’s NHL rolldog.
7) When EP needs a lawyer after the credit card company sues him, who does he call?
8) When EP needs to burn off some steam, what does he do?
9) If EP’s been smoking some dope, what does he like to munch on?
10) And finally, who can guess EP’s favorite actor?

The answers are listed below. But first, we’ll have a word from our sponsors.

Has anyone seen the previews for this new reality show called More to Love? What a hilarity concept. Cmk is appalled by the show, but I like the idea behind it. Fatties shouldn’t just have reality shows about losing weight. Pigs need lovin’ too.


Answers:
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10


My pick for the HR derby is Joe Mauer.


Go comment

The Weekly Messtache

Victorino & Inge got the final All-Star spots. I really think Pablo and Adam Lind should be there.

From HOF baseball writer Hal McCoy:

WHAT I WOULD like to do right now is walk into the media dining room and kick out the plugs on three computers. Fans are voting for the final roster spot for the All-Star game and the Phillies are in an all-out campaign to get Shane Victorino on the team.

The Phillies have three young men in the dining room sitting at laptops punching in Victorino’s name every few seconds. And they are doing it non-stop, nearly around the clock. So when Victorino wins you’ll know it wasn’t a fan vote at all.

Can’t anybody do anything honestly any more? If it were up to me I’d vote for the Phillie Phanatic to be the last player on the NL roster. The guy is hilarious.

Yes, I voted for Noodle Arm over 2,500 times last year(ns), but to have a team of guys employed just to vote...That's some bullshit, right there.

Bomani Jones put DeMarcus Ware in The Homeboy Hall Of Fame


Why can't people do a decent job when they call 911? Seriously. Just say it. I'm at Steve McNair's condo, and he's fucking dead. He was shot in the head, and chest.

The Mets suck. So do the Brewers.

America's favorite pothead broke the 100m Butterfly world record.

The Dong Derby should be a good one this year with The Arbiter, Fat Boy, ADRIAN!!!, and Ryan Howard representing the NL. Oh, the AL? I don't give a flying fuck about them.


Be Kind, Rewind. Not a good movie, yet I watch it frequently.


Michael, Michael on YouTube


Michael, Michael for Windows Media Player and download HERE

Here's Skeets on the Marion Deal.


Whew. I had to eat some nachos. I don't feel as hammered, now. I'm running out of gas.

Here's my current favorite song. Maybe I put it on LOM. I don't recall. Mutron Angel.

Semi-related to the Bad Ink link I posted last night...Here's some chicks that caught fish. There are a few lookers peppered in there. A girl that can fish is hawt. #7 has some treemendous falsies.

Tomorrow is UFC 100, yes? Don't ask me about it. Talk to Keith & Tem.

I'm much more charming on IMs than I am in person. Woe.


I leave you with this: Kermit & Fozzie gettin' the job done. Don't act like you don't love this movie.

On the road

This post is being written from the road, so my effort will be minimal.

Rained at the game yesterday. Cubs decided they don't want to hit the ball. I don't understand booing your own team's good players. I understand booing the Aaron Mileses and Neifi Perezes off the world. But people like Milton Bradley and Alfonso Soriano, while both eccentric, are good to very good players. Slumps happen, don't be a douche.

Make-a-wish segments are the best thing Sportscenter does each year. This Fan Feast thing looks like it might not be terrible.

Not sure what else happened yesterday. Have fun commenting.

Smooth Criminal.

I finally got my deposit back from my previous landlord. It only took her four months and me sending her a threatening letter for her to respond. I got four bucks interest too. I thought I was going to have a battle on my hands, but she just sent a check in an envelope with no return address. They are amateurs.

So the Pistons are going to hire a Cavs assistant coach. Makes cents*. They're already paying two coaches a ton of money, way break the banks for a washed up has-been (Collins).

World Wide Bleeder is now reporting that LeBron didn't talk to Ariza about getting an apartment together. Can you trust anything they report anymore? I'm going to go with no.

Jays are entertaining offers for Halladay. God, I hope he gets moved to the NL so he can win 25 games a year for my keeper team.

Manny gets ejected, Dodgers still shutdown the Menstropolitans. No World Series celebration for BB-Rod yesterday, cuz when you're down eight runs, you don't get a chance to close. Sorry EP, but I just hate that dude.

Dempster has an owie on his big toe, and will reportedly have robotic toe implant surgery later today to match his robo-arm. Sky-net approves.

Phillies watch Pedro work out. Excellent. Hopefully they sign him and Operation: Fuck Boston starts to effect their team, which starts the slow decline of the area. I am hoping the devastation leaves Pat's and Gino's as the only standing buildings in the vicinity and the city's name is changed to Cheesesteakville.

MJ was or was not in the coffin at Staples. I'm going with not in the coffin. Also, L.A. is broke and wants AEG to pay for Police presents* during the parade/funeral/whatever it was. AEG ain't havin' it. You can donate to the city on the Mayor's website. I am not shitting you. It's come to this.

What happened to Stevie Wonder? Dude was on top of the world; multi-platinum albums, Grammys out the ass, and now he just preforms one song every six months or so. How about working on an album?

Sigh. I really wish it was football season already.

I 8A4RE 2

The subject was on a license plate on my way to work. It was on an older Cadillac CTS. What is it? I ate a Ferrari too? Hell if I know.


So tem's thoughts on Michael Jackson.......doesn't care. He probably raped little boys, so I'm not a big fan of that, but his effect/influence/popularity in music can't be questioned, so he's got that going for him. At the end of the day he was a weird dude, really weird, probably raped little boys and was talented in music. He'll probably go to hell.

Tem's thoughts on McNair.....could care less. That's right, I care a little bit. It is possible for me to care a little less. For instance I care less about MJ than McNair. Maybe because I like football more than music, maybe because McNair didn't probably rape little boys. Who knows why I think the things I do, but the point is I could care less. Anyway, I still don't know if he was cheating on his wife, if he was then he got what he deserved. If he wasn't then it pretty much sucks for him. The silver lining for this could be that he was going to get divorced and lose half his shit, then knock up a 20 year old or whatever and lose the other half. Had he not been shot he would have had NOWHERE TO GO. Mercy killing? Perhaps.

Tem's thoughts on Johnny Cueto.....thanks for showing up. I am sure Keith was thrilled.

Tem's thoughts on the Pirates....good freaking Lord, do you have to trade everyone?? I'm not a GM, but I am a scientist and I know science says that you can't build a winner by trading every single player who shows some promise. What's the freaking point of trading for some dude or drafting him just to trade him away the moment he becomes good?

Tem's thoughts on tennis....still hate it even though I can appreciate how awesome that Wimbledon match was.

Tem's thoughts on Lebron telling Ariza that he'll stay in Cleveland...Ariza isn't even in Cleveland, this makes no sense WWL...the Omnibus would never have stood for such shoddy reporting.

Tem's thoughts on the Tour De France...apparently it started. That's all I know.

Tem's thoughts on posting a movie review....I better do it, that's the only thing worth reading unless I do a running diary.

Soul Power

This movie is pretty interesting. I was actually intrigued by the concept. See some scientist (not Jug) invents a way to harness the power of people's souls. This is interesting because 1) it indirectly proves souls exist and 2) you can find out if other animals like dogs have souls and 3) you can see who has the most powerful soul. This movie breezes past 1 and skips over 2 completely, possibly saving that for the sequel. It mostly focuses on 3....that is it focuses on who has the most powerful soul.

See the scientist says that the better the soul, the more power it kicks off. You have to believe him because 1) he is a scientist and 2) he invented Soul Power, so he knows what he is talking about. So some evil villain dude (played by Chris Farley in his last film...yeah, who knew?) gets him a doomsday device and tries to run it with a person with a super powerful soul. He tries all sorts of people in it, he kidnaps Oprah, doesn't work, he kidnaps some ratards, doesn't work, he kidnaps Dane Cook, doesn't work, but Dane dies so that was nice, he kidnaps orphans, doesn't work. So finally he decides to kidnap the scientist to force the scientist to help him find a person with a rockin' soul.

After the scientist gets kidnapped they put Omar Epps on the case (Wesley Snipes was unavailable). Omar tracks them down with the help of his partner, Rob Schneider (thrown in for comic relief, he does fine). The scientist decides that Omar has the best soul or at least a good enough one and Rob has to save the day. Rob frees the scientist and they build an anti doomsday device. The scientist convinces Rob that he has a strong enough soul with enough Soul Power to run the anti-doomsday device and they strap him in. Sucks for Rob though, the scientist was lying, Rob's soul sucks, the anti-doomsday device doesn't work and the evil guy wins.

Now I know what you are thinking...the scientist couldn't have been wrong about Rob's soul...that's right he wasn't, turns out he was an evil scientist. Plot twist.

Oh so the world is under control of the evil scientist and villain dude. I think that Paul Blart Mall Cop guy is in talks to take over for Farley in the sequel.

4 helmet stickers out of 5...no nudity.

Is he nuts? No, he's insane

Hopefully everyone had a safe and fun holiday weekend. Personally, the 3 days went by way too fast.

So apparently they had some lottery to get tickets for the Mike Jackson memorial at Staples Center. I wish I had been paying attention when they announced this because I would have definitely tried to get some of those. I'm sure I would have been able to get some suite cash money for those duckets. No offense to MJ, but I'll be glad when this memorial will be over because then maybe the news will tone it down a notch or 17 on the MJ coverage. It's gotten to be pretty ri-goddman-diculous at this point.

I was out of town from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon, so the only sports I saw this weekend was the last 30 minutes of the Roddick/Federer match and Tiger's last 4 holes on Sunday afternoon. Thankfully, that was by far the best of what happened this weekend. I'm not a tennis fan at all, but watching the end of that match was awsome*. 1 guy trying to surpass Sampras' record of Grand Slam titles, the other guy trying to beat his daddy, makes for some solid TV.

Also, as was mentioned here on the weekend, Steve McNair's death was pretty shocking and surprising. To me, he always seemed like a pretty stand up dude. I still remember watching him play when he played at Alcorn State, he seemed superhuman at the time. But I guess being 36 and married with kids, and then getting kilt by his 20 year old mistress shows that he was human. Good guy. Sad story.

MLB All-Star rosters were announced yesterday. The fans voting in Josh Hamilton is pretty dumb. He's been hurt most of the 1st half and when he did play his numbers were awful. Another thing I noticed is that the Dbacks, Astros, and Padres each have 2 players represented while the Cubbies only have 1. IN YOU FACE, FREAK!
FWIW, I think Derrek Lee should have made it, maybe over Ryan Howard. But that's basically splitting hairs on my part.

Cereal* killer is on the loose in South Carolina. Hopefully tem or Beth don't have plans to go to Myrtle Beach or Hilton Head anytime soon. The guy might be about 5'9" or so.***** All I'm sayin' is, I hope you have an alibi, EP.

Blue runs Formula One racing. Who knew?

Temps here this week are going to be in the 112°-114° range. Woe.

That is all. Go comment.

*****I completely made that up

4th.

So, Artest to the Lakeshow. It's gonna be interesting. It's a great signing, if the rumors are true about the years and money, but the Lakers still have some work to do. If I were Jerry Buss, I'd resign Lamar and go into the luxury tax as much as I have to. Because with that rotation, the Lakers are a matchup nightmare and even with all of the other moves that teams have made, they would be the team to beat.

Manny's back. I almost wrote a full post about how Baseball is FUBAR because they're in the middle of their season and they're getting jacked in the ratings by Soccer and basketball is stealing all of their press with the insane amount of free agent signings and trades. But Manny is a big story, Yankees failing, the Mets bouncing back and Derek Lee's seven RBI are pretty noteworthy. I just wish it wasn't five years until their playoffs started. Oh, and by that time, Football will have started. I wish I could time travel at about this time of year to about the end of September every year. That would be great.

I was sick for most of the weak* and I watched the following movies, all of which were awesomely bad and I highly recommend:

Ninja Cheerleaders. Yes, this is a real movie. Yes, it stars Trishelle from the Real World Vegas. Yes, George Takei is their sensi. Yes, it has terrible acting and laughable action sequences. Yes, it features a strip-off in a strip club where the three ninja cheerleaders participate despite the fact that they don't strip one article of clothing. And yes, all of that awesomeness combined makes this an excellent movie. Especially if you're bombed.

Robocop. I have seen this movie approximately 948 times, but I have not watched it in the last 15 years or so. I highly recommend catching it, I think it's on IFC's rotation right now. It stars the Dad from That 70's Show in a pretty big role for him at the time as the main villain. And I had completely forgotten about the most awesome scene in the movie and had to rewind it about five times when it got to the part where some dude lost an election and he takes the mayor hostage. While they're sending Robo in, he negotiates his demands with a Lieutenant. Somehow they start talking about a new car as part of his demands ("Something with reclining leather seats, that goes really fast, and gets really shitty gas mileage!") and they're going over the options ("Yeah! Okay! Sure! What about cruise control? Does it come with cruise control? ") when the guy realizes that the Lt. is jerking him off. So he pulls the Mayor up and threatens to kill him, but Robo pulls him through a wall and then punches him out of a two-story window. Awesome. Also awesome - the dude that turns into Toxic Avenger at the end of the movie and he gets run over by one of his fellow cronies. A++++++++++++++++

Breakin'. Again, hadn't seen this in a long time, but because it has aged terribly, it is pretty awesome. Of course it's all about the adventures of Turbo and Ozone, but it also features a young Shooter McGavin. His best line is ''Street dancing belong in the street!'' Thanks, Captain Obvious. It also features Iced T, but WOW is his rapping bad in this flick. If you're only going to subject yourself to one Breakin' movie, I suggest this one and not the highly inferior Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. I am still not over the disappointment that Breakin' 2 caused me, and it's been 24 years. Yes, I understand that makes me old.

Teen Wolf. Yeah, again, I haven't seen it in awhile, it's aged badly, and yet it is awesome. And I can see why Greg White wanted to change his name; Stiles was a pretty cool dude.

Have a great 4th. Drink beer, eat hamburgers, light off some fireworks. It's your job as an American.

NBA and horny dogs

Lots of NBA action, too bad T ain't posting today, he would have dropped more knowledge than I'm about to. Pistons sign a crunchtime shooter and a big man who can shoot. Bulls offered Gordan similar deals the past two years and he rejected them in thinking that he will sign with contender I guess? The Bulls have a nice young team which can contend in the East for years to come so I'm not sure what he thinks the Pistons got going on but in my opinion Chicago >>>> Detroit. Bucks had no shot at matching anything Charlie V would get on the open market so his departure surprises no one.

Two ex Knicks traded for each other as Q goes back home to La-La land and the Grizz get Z-Bo.

Cavs look like a lock to steal Ariza cuz the Lakers don't think he's worth more than the minimum of 5.6MM. Seems silly, Ariza had a treeeemendous playoffs and keeping him would be smat*.

Knicks and Mavs are fighting over Kidd. He'll be a nice fit in NY because they can limit his minutes and he'll thrive knowing he's pushing a franchise that has been pretty bad to decent or even good. Anyone see his kid lately? Does that boy still rock a watermelon for a dome?

Fucking AIG does a 1-20 reverse stock split and fucks up all my margin reports, I got some people with quadrillion dollar excess or trillion dollar margin calls.

Go to hell. Posting on Thursday's is dumb.

Freak Video of the Day, Keyboard Cat playing The Shining



Video #2, Dog gets some pussy




Happy FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDAAYYYYY!

Aitch's American Idol Diary

Shortcut to comments
Day 1 - Friday, June 12th


5:30 a.m. Beep! Beep! Beep! Alarm is going off. Time to wake up. Go online to check out the rules and I see that I need two forms of ID. License, passport, birth certificate. Well I only have one form. Crap! Now I gotta wait for City Hall to open. So much for my early start! Probably should have read the rules sooner...


8:31 a.m. Birth Certificate acquired. On to Gillette Stadium


9:31 a.m. There it is. Mecca




My American Idol Experience




9:32 a.m. Another picture to piss you off, EP.






9:33 a.m. Not nearly as many people as I expected.






9:36 a.m. That was easy. I went in and walked up to the desk. The girl checked my license (no second form needed, grrrr!), and handed me a ticket and put a wristband on me with the instructions "do not take this off!" I need to comeback Sunday morning at 5 a.m. Yea, this paper wristband should make it to Sunday... Day 1 Complete. I could have gone to work.






Day 2 - Saturday, June 13th


1:30 p.m. I see that my friend is also going to the audition. I send her a message asking if she wants to go together


7:45 p.m. Friend calls back in a panic. Apparently they are opening the parking lot at 2 a.m. Sunday. They said we didn't have to be there until 5. She convinces me to meet up at quarter to 2 in the morning. (Remember, this was not my idea)


Day 3 - Sunday, June 14th


2:28 a.m. Crap!! I overslept. On what could turn out to be the biggest day of my life, I overslept!! Throw on some clothes (good thing I showered and shaved last night before bed) and run out the door. Friend calls, she's running late too.


3:00 a.m. Meet up with friend at a Dunkin Donuts. It's closed. She's pissed. Drive up to the stadium. Sons of bitches are charging $20 to park. WFT! Vultures. Fuck you, Bob Kraft!


3:26 a.m. Did I mention that it's raining? Yup, just a drizzle for the moment. This is what the line looks like ahead of me. Damn, there are a lot of people here early...






4:10 a.m. Ah crap, I have a stage mom behind me. She's going on and on about her daughter and how many competitions she's been in and how many shows she's tried out for. Rambling on and on. All this while daughter is sitting in the car staying dry and wam. Bullshit. I bet the daughter is ugly.


4:40 a.m. Yup, stage mom has not shutup yet. Between bragging about her daughter and the phone call updates to the daughter in the car at 5 minute intervals, I'm ready to throttle this bitch. It's now pouring out and I'm getting cranky. I bet you the daughter is ugly.


5:10 a.m. The line moved 15 feet then stopped. Still couldn't ditch stage mom though. She's quieted a little though. Still raining. Still no daughter.


6:02 a.m. It's starting to let up a bit and the clouds are breaking.



Daughter showed up. I was right, she's ugly. Her and mom are the ones in yellow raincoats. These pics don't do her justice. She's much uglier in person.







6:03 a.m. The line ahead and behind me, respectively. Can't see the end of the line, but rumor is there are 7,000 registered auditioners. Seems low.







6:43 a.m. Line hasn't moved at all. Security personnel have come out of the gates though. This could be a good sign.






6:45 a.m. News van from a local station. They aked for volunteers from R.I. to sing (It's a staton out of Providence). No one volunteers. Reporter is stumped. Hilarity...






6:49 a.m. Finally, they are letting us in!!






7:06 a.m. They've herded us into an area to take a bunch of crowd shots. I'm officially soaked. The producer on the bullhorn is telling people to spin their umbrellas. Sweet, now I'm getting splashed from every direction and the short people around me almost stab me in the eye. Great idea slick!







8:11 a.m. After an hour of various chants and crowd shots, they let us go to our seats. Most people are hanging out in the concourse to get dry.







8:12 a.m. People are slowly drifting to their seats. A producer explains to the crowd that auditions will be held by section number which is on the ticket we got at registration on Friday. Meaning what time we showed up today has no meaning. Glad I listened to my friend and woke up 3 hours earlier than I needed to. (Remember, this wasn't my idea). We decide to split up and head for our seats (we were in different sections.)






8:13 a.m. They have tents set up across the field for the auditions. We'll be lining up and brought into the tents in groups of 4. Each person will sing and then the producers will decide our fates.







8:15 a.m. Another picture to piss you off, EP.






8:26 a.m. Everyone is being told to take their seats or we can't start. We're also waiting for Ryan Seacrest to arrive. This causes the girls to scream. Why am I here again?


9:18 a.m. After some crowd shots and group singing (I'm not joking about the singing), Seacrest has finally arrived. He thanks the crowd, says the show wouldn't exist without us, blah, blah, blah. Yes, he is down there in the pic somewhere, but you can't see because of all the umbrellas.






9:21 a.m. Couple of crowd shots








9:44 a.m. Typical club girl with the stereotypical meathead bodyguard/boyfriend. Her one goal is to get on camera by looking slutty and shaking her ass at the camera. She literallly stands on the seat backs in front of her, facing away from the camera and shakes her ass every time it comes by.






9:49 a.m. Camera is away, club girl covers up.






9:50 a.m. Finally, they begin bringing people down for auditions. Nearly 5 hours after they told us to be there. they start with section 126. I'm in 130.






10:34 a.m. Some random crowd shots and the tents across the field full of hopefuls.








1:36 p.m. They finally get to our section. 4 hours after they started and nearly 10 hours after my initial arrival. I'm exhausted already and my throat is parched. This should be good






2:01 p.m. I'm actually standing on the grass of Gillette Stadium. Sadly, this may be the highlight of my day. The grass is so soft... Almost time for the audition. Time to focus.







2:02 p.m. About half the initial crowd is still waiting to audition. Gonna be a long day for them.






2:05 p.m. This is the group I talked to for the majority of the time there. The girl in white and the other dude are from Western MA. Girl on the far right is from Dallas. Her plan is to hit a many as these things as it takes. We plan to try to stay together as a group, but some girl jumps back in line cuz she doesn't want to audition with her friends. "It's bad luck" ???? Now I'm seperated from my crew. Great.






2:18 p.m. I got assigned to tent #4. That's Bobby Orr's number. A good sign? The two producers are a British dude and an American chick. I hate Limeys...






2:31 p.m. Girl next to me is an incredible singer. This does not bode well for H.


2:32 p.m. "Hi, I'm Mike. I'll be singing 'Hey, Jealousy' by The Gin Blossoms..." I start singing, nervous as hell. I can feel my voice crack a bit, but I'm ok. My palms are sweaty. Making eye contact with the two producers. Oh shit, I'm standing still. I'm not doing anything to seperate myself from every other singer here. Crap! Limey producer puts his hand up to signal for me to stop. I waited 12 hours for a 20 second audition.


2:34 p.m. After a brief huddle, the producers decide to keep the incredible singer next to me, and send the rest of us home. My Idol adventure is over.


2:40 p.m. The two Western MA people catch up to me. They didn't get through. Dallas girl apparently was incredible and moved on. I'm looking forward to seeing how she does on the show.


Well, that's it. All in all it was hell, but still a cool experience. I met some awesome people, shared a lot of laughs and have a story to tell. Thanks o every one who encouraged me to go through with it.


And for no particular reason at all, here is a Dodge Viper that I saw on the way home.