Tuesday, June 30, 2009
R(etard)OY – Duh. Nothing needs to be said here. This has become a lifetime achievement award. In fact, this award is going to be renamed the Steve Award at the end of this season. Lucky guy. I always wanted to have an award named after me.
Comeback Player of the Year – There’s not much competition here, so this will go to Todd Packer since he was M.I.A. for a while and has returned with a vengeance. Well, maybe not a vengeance, but some TP is > than no TP.
Rolaids Relief Award – El Padrino is the runaway winner here. He’s always there to save the day when we need a good chuckle and some solid HDH.
Cy Young (aka Pitcher of the Year) – I’ll give you 2 guesses for this one. And your first guess doesn’t count. Kod runs away with this award, for the 7th straight season. He’s like the Lance Armstrong of pitching, but I assume that he’s got bolth of his nutz.
Coach of the Year – This was a tough one, but it looks like spiff is the winner here. Currently spiff has the #1 FMLB team in the Y! league and the #2 team in the keeper league. He finished 3rd in the FNBA league, and 2nd place in the FFB Y! league this season. Add this to his legendary linking of poon, and it’s been a strong season so far for the spigook.
Lady Byng Trophy – I don’t really know what this, and I’m not gonna look it up. But Beth will probably win it since she’s the only “lady” here. So congratulations. You can keep your trophy in the closet with your skeletons so fmbeth doesn’t find out.
Defensive Player of the Year – Another runaway winner here for El Padrino. Noone at LoV gets defensive like EP gets defensive. He’s like MJ, Pippen, Rodman, and Mutombo all rolled into one. Except like 2 feet shorter. And not black. But other than that, just like that. If that makes sense.
MVP – This was the toughest award for the voters. But after counting, and then re-counting, and then re-re-counting, the MVP of the halfway point is jug. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised, I mean, it’s his era and all. It just goes to show that being a scientist is > than anything else.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Joey Logano wins a NASCAR race, he is 19. Youngest ever. Good for him. It was a rain shortened race, I don't think that should count. Also Blue hates the "youngest ever to..." stuff. I think it is Blue who hates it.
Transformers $201M for Wednesday through Sunday. Good work.
Boss just came into my office. Posting now, will finish the spot start later. Consider it a rain delay.
OK rain delay over. It blew over real fast.
So not only did the Mess lose they let Rivera get his first ever RBI? Wow. Finding new ways to lose everyday, that's your New York Mess.
Apparently WNBA basketball is in season now. Who knew?
So with Billy Mays dying did we start a new 3 or is he just a throw in on the Ed Mc, Far Faw, Mik Jac threesome?
US soccer pulled a Mess it seems. I don't know much about soccer, but I know that a 2-0 lead is a HUGE lead and choking that away is bad. Good work getting to the championship game US soccer, but next time don't Mess it all up.
From cnn.com "Comedian Fred Travalena dies of cancer." I guess Billy Mays is the start of a new 3. It must be 3 celebs people have either never heard of or barely heard of. Maybe Carrot Top will go....Dane Cook might still qualify for the shitty 3 celeb deaths.
Still thinking about Megan Fox's rack in slow motion. Easily the best part of the movie. Although one of those Jar Jar Binks autobots did drop 1 good line. Very funny. Could have been the best part. OK, second thought, no way does that top Megan's rack.
Friday, June 26, 2009
When are people going to learn that abusing prescription drugs are bad? And this dude had a comeback planned? I was under the impression he was sickly and you know just was going to die at some point. But this guy was rehearsing and shit for like a 50 show tour in UK. Wow. Not sure where you stand on grown men playing with little boy's booty holes, me personally I'm against it, but the dude made some fucking music. Y'naw mean. I boycotted his shit when the trial was going on but now that he's dead I guess I can fire it backl up. At least that makes sense in my mind. Because let's face it, all rock stars are bad people.
Revolutuionized pop. I can't disagree. LOM will run Mike videos all next week in honor of the fallen child rapist. RIP Mike. You were a weird dude.
Onto the NBA draft, just some notes and observations.
Dickie V had like a 1 minute spot after the 16th pick and chose to talk the entire time about the type of player Tyler Hansbrough is. That is just unreal. I turned it off after the first round, don't recall seeing him again after that. And Thank God, maybe ESPN is realizing this guy makes a mockery of the NBA with shit like that.
Cavaliers could have drafted a player that could help them next year, not sure why they went with "The Air Up There". Was his agent Kevin Bacon? Awful pick. Buddinger would have fit in nice.
What's to say about the Knicks pick. The knock on the kid was that he loses focus at times. If you can't get motivated to play in NYC at the mecca night in night out then you belong in a toll booth collecting fares from motorists somewhere. He had three different coaches and averaged a double double last year. I don't mind the pick (translation : I hate it). And it foreshadows a David Lee deal which upsets me. But hey the Bucks picked Jennings.
Another thing that upsets me is Ric Bucher's spray tan. And Stu Scott's glasses are crooked, and don't do that eye any good.
Ricky Rubio to Minnesota is funny because Spain is just like Minnesota. Except the exact opposite. And it's obvious they don't feel like he'll be NBA ready first year out otherwise why draft Flynn who IS ready to take on some NBA minutes. Are there any Tapas bars in Minny Kod?
Simmons best work, in my opinion are his diaries, obviosuly the yearly NBA draft one does not disappoint.
James Harden with the bowtie. One word. Gangsta.
Why didn't Washington trade the 5 pick to Pheonix for Stout? Just throwing that out there.
Curry dropped to the Warriors which perplexes/perturbs me for two reasons. One, I secretely wanted him on the Knicks so I was a bit crushed and two, Monta Ellis is essentially the same player.
Like the Nets pick, and any player out of Louisville. They had some squad.
Did Larry Brown pick a dukie?
Best thing NYC did last night was the "overated" chant as soon as Stern said "brough". That stung for sure.
Fuck this every other pick stunk, these players stink. Fucking Mike Jackson died and took Farah Fawcett's moment with him.
This draft was weaksauce. WEAKSAUCE.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
1. The Los Angeles Fails select Blake Griffin, forward who failed to graduate from Oklahoma.
This is happening. Don't try to fight it. Unless you're Griffin who should pull an Eli. His brother will be way better off being the first pick of the Globetrotters.
2. The Memphis Grizzles select Ricky Rubio, guard from Spain.
The Grizz are passing on Thabeet here because they already have Marc Gasol and Darko Milicic. They're set at center for the next 10 years. Or 10 days, I'm not sure. I heard someone say Rubio was a wizard. I'm not certain how that's going to help him on the basketball court.
3. The Seattle Zombies select James Harden, guard who didn't graduate from Arizona State.
I want the Zombies to fail. Best way for that is for me to make them pick a dude that sucks. And if Keith says someone from ASU sucks, that must mean they really do. He has a hard-en for ASU. Boom goes the dynamite.
4. The Sacramento Kings select Tyreke Evans, guard who didn't graduate from Memphis.
The Kings' roster on ESPN says they have 4 shooting guards. Now, I'm not a scientist, but I think that means you need another one. The last guard who was drafted after not graduating from Memphis was pretty good. Lightning doesn't strike twice.
5. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Hasheem Thabeet, center who didn't graduate from Connecticut.
So, what do you do when you have two of the better up and coming, young centers? Take a big stiff to back them up with a top 5 pick. Duh. What were you thinking? Kevin McHale's ghost is hauting the wolfies. This pick is really going to put a charge into the huge Tanzanian community in Minneapolis.
6. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Stephen Curry, guard who didn't graduate from Davidson.
Kevin McHale's ghost decides to make a good pick. Steph is a good shooter, and after much research into the game of basketball, I've found that shooting the ball into the hoop consistently is the main objective. They pick a guy who can do the most important basketball thing, sounds good to me.
7. The Golden State Warrior Princesses select Jordan Hill, forward who didn't graduate from Arizona.
Holy crap, Keith Smart is an assistant coach for the Warriors. You won IU a championship a little over a month after I was born. Good job. Don Nelson hates Andris Bierdins. That's not a joke, either. He's replacing Andris with a more althetic guy. By the way, the Warriors' captains: Bierdins, Stephen Jackson and Ronny Turiaf. Ronny freaking Turiaf. Hot damn.
I didn't find a sponsor this year, so no break in the middle of the draft. Onwards.
8. The New York Knickerbockerers select Brandon Jennings, guard who spent the past year backpacking through Europe.
Word is that Jennings learned 3 words of Italian while playing there. The Knicks are drafting him so that ninny Danilo will feel more at home. It's almost certain to work. If the Knicks don't pick Jennings here, look for them to pick Jrue Holliday, because nothing says "New York" like spelling something wrong.
9. The Toronto Raptors select Jrue Holliday, guard who didn't graduate from UCLA.
Shawn Marion got traded to the Raptors last year. I totally forgot about that. We have our first Canadian, eh, to be taken. Funny that he goes to the only Canadian team. Canadians are afraid of the dark. Canadians spit in people's mouths at 7-11's. Something half-witty.
10. The Milwaukee Bucks select Terrence Williams, guard who actually graduated from Louisville.
I honestly have no idea who this guy is. Literally never heard of him before. Definitely a perfect match for the Bucks. No one cares or remembers who plays there and no one will care or remember who this guy is.
11. The New Jersey Nets select Jonny Flynn, guard who didn't graduate from Syracuse.
The Nets are continuing their tradition of pretending to be from New York by selecting a player that pretended to play for a team in New York. I wonder if Carter's going to try this year. I don't think his contract is expiring, so probably not.
12. The Charlotte Hornets select DeMar DeRozan, guard who didn't graduate from USC.
The last one and done guard from USC was OJ Mayo. Someone let me know how he played last year so I can forecast what DeRozan does. Who am I kidding, DeRozan will suck. He will just be too distracted what with being stalked by Tim Floyd. Floyd needs the money he paid DeRozan to come to USC back. Dollar dollar bill, yo.
13. The Indiana Pacers select DeJuan Blair, forward who didn't graduate from Pittsburgh.
I've gone back and forth on this pick a few times. I really want them to take the local kid, Jeff Teague, but I just think Blair's a better fit. Even though he's slow, he can rebound real well. Wait, the Pacers already have Jeff Foster. Strike all that I just said.
13. The Indiana Pacers select Jeff Teague, guard who graduated from Pike High School.
Red Devils, bitches!
14. The Phoenix Suns select Tyler Hansbrough, forward who graduated from North Carolina.
Even with Robin Lopez, the Suns still fall short of meeting their awkward tall white guy quotient. They really did well to get Psycho T here. He's everything the Suns are looking for. Also, Hansbrough's personality seems like it'd be a great fit with laid-back, non-crazy people like Stat, Shaq, Nash and everyone else on the Suns. Plus, zeke might kill a man if this actually happened.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine.
Zeke and EP, here are your peeps, trying to rap. Good Lord, make it stop! It stings the nostrils. The ending is gold though, Huckabee tells them he's had Russel Simmons on and they're better than him. Because, Russel Simmons, you know, he's a great rapper.
Jefferson to the Spurs. I like how the Bucks just don't care anymore. The Bucks front office is like, "We give up. No matter what we do, we just can't put together a competitive squad so we're just going to shut it down." Can a you at least make it LOOK like you're trying? Just a little? Can you do that for a brotha?
According to Chad Ford, everyone and their mother wants the Wiz's fifth pick. The Wiz are asking the usual though, take some of their bad contracts and give them players that can contribute. It'll be interesting to see if it happens. I've also heard rumors that they're interested in Larry Hughes or Jared Jeffries. What? Why?
::UPDATE:: Apparently, they're going to trade the #5 pick, Oleksiy Pecherov, Etan Thomas and Darius Songaila to the Minnesota Timberwolves for Randy Foye and Mike Miller. Minny now has the #5, 6, 18 and 28 picks, and there's rumors that they might trade up to the #2 spot by sending the #5 and 18 picks to Memphis. Even if they don't get the second pick, this is huge for the Wolves. Already the post-McHale Era is a raging success. They get two lottery picks, and some bigs to help out. That was their big weakness last year; big man depth. Losing Foye and Miller will hurt, those two were pretty much the only guys that could knock down shots or create their own offense, but they can replace them with the picks they have stockpiled. Yes, Thomas and Songaila have bad contracts, but I think they will be good bench players and will be able to contribute during the transition. And Thomas' contract expires next year, they could move him at the deadline and fill a need. They really need to spend today and the rest of tomorrow figuring out what to do in the draft. I cannot stress that enough, this draft is going to be big for them. Either they're going follow the Blazers and make smart choices, or they're going to screw it up and be back in the lottery for the next couple of years. From the WIzards standpoint, this is a great trade for them as well. They get two guys that can contribute right away, one is a veteran that can hit the outside shot, the other is a young athletic type. If everyone is healthy and Arenas can play a majority of the season, watch out. They could be the Dan Tony Suns East, which is something I think they've been trying to model themselves after for a long time. This is a team that is a couple of years removed from a #4/5 seed before they were devastated by injuries. I really like the move for Foye, he gives them insurance in case Arenas or Tough Juice goes down for any part of the season, but I think it's going to be a challenge to work him into the lineup when everyone is healthy; that's a lot of touches. Great trade on both ends, I think this is a rare case where both sides win.
As TP reported yesterday, Ryno and Sammy are no longer getting an apartment together. In other, better news, we are just about a month away from the fifth anniversary of the Kerry Kittles trade. The Clippers traded two second round picks to the Nets and the "Kerry Kittles Era" officially began in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, that era would only last 11 games. His contract was reportedly for $9.5 million. That's $8636,636 per game. Money well spent if you ask me.
Three Cowboys Offensive Linemen = Free Reign, a metal band. What. The. Fucks.
Has Football started yet? Has Football started yet? Has Football started yet?
Has Football started yet? Has Football started yet? Has Football started yet?
Has Football started yet? Has Football started yet? Has Football started yet?
Has Football started yet? Has Football started yet? Has Football started yet?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I hate it when my alarm wakes me out of a deep sleep. Usually I’m about to get up anyway, but not today. Today was not like that. Today might not be a good day. I am pretty sure it is a sign that I should have just called in sick and went back to bed. Woe.
Apparently there is not much baseball on Monday nights. It’s been like this for like 3 weeks in a row. Or at least that’s what I noticed. It probably is always like that. I am not what you would call perceptive. At least most of the time I am not. Sometimes I am pretty on the ball. In any case that damn Vasquez pitched well again. If the Braves ever play important games down the stretch he will choke…he is really born to be a Mess.
Not sure who owns some of the minor league teams that Manny is going to play for and against, but they are going to make some coin when he plays. I doubt he comes out this way to play, but if he does I’m going to go see him. Columbus has a brand new park which is apparently pretty nice. Gammons says it is better than Shea was.
Goddman this sports lull, there isn’t much to write about. Next week I am going to do a UFC preview. UFC 100 is coming up and it is a pretty good card….of course that means that the fights will mostly disappoint. They just had The Ultimate Fighter Finale last Saturday and 3 fights won fight of the night. They all deserved it. It was a really good night of fighting.
Screw it let’s just do a movie review and stop the rambling.
Land of the Lost:
This is another movie in the LOV regular series of movies. This movie is based on Steve and his time in the Land of the Lost. You see in Escape From New York, New York was turned into a prison and criminals were sent there. That was because most of them were already there anyway. In Land of the Lost all the ratards are sent there, again because most of them are already there. Now the good news for El Pad is that he was allowed to move out and he moved to Atlanta right before New York became the Land of the Lost.
There was bad news for Steve, he got sent to the Land of the Lost. He thinks he shouldn’t be there, but a tip from Arizona came in and said “Gammons said Steve is a ratard.” Well if Gammons says it then it must be true and Steve had not choice but to go to the LotL.
Now once he gets there you’d think hilarity would ensue, but it doesn’t….ah who am I kidding, of course hilarity ensues. Steve is trys to get out of there. He wants to go back to North Carolina where the folks are slightly less ratarded.
So he meets up with some ratard there and gets tossed into ratard jail. He escapes ratard jail by just saying he was supposed to get out. Then the ratards find out he is the least ratarded and put him in charge of growing crops. He does so, but the ratards are impatient and put him in Yankee Stadium to fight a bear. He beats the bear and the crops grow. He becomes president of the ratards and marries a hooker who is also not that retarded.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Caput Mundi can't get anything right recently. The Mess are a typical mess. The Yankees have struggled lately and haven't beat the Red Sux yet this season. And now the US Open can't get completed in regular time because the course has been flooded all weekend. #1 city in the world my as.
So cmk fucking watches these murder mystery shows all the time. Dateline ID channel, Oxygen channel, TLC. Any channel that has murder mystery shows, and she's watching it. She even watches the shit that's on the free INDemand. I tolt her she better not be watching them to get any ideas. If anyone ever sees on the Internets that I died a mysterious death, I'm just throwing this out there.
I can't believe that zeke is siding with tem in the "The Hangover is not that great" camp. I'm shocked! I'm surprised! I'm flabbergasted! I'm something something! We need to have an intervention or something.
I need to get a new phone this week. I don't really want to get a BlackBerry. I'll take suggestions from everyone on what I should get. I have Verizon. Is there another phone that I could LoV on besides a BlackBerry?
Jug, let me know my name/pic for our bet. I'll probably use them more than 2 days. I need to cut back a little bit on my Internets usage at work. The director of our division, whose office is right behind me, made a comment to my boss the other day asking why I was on the Internets so much. Bullshit.
I can't wait for College Fooyball* to be here. I might buy NCAA Fooyball* on PS2, if they even sell new PS2 games anymore. Because that's how I roll.
You know why soccer sucks? There is some tourney going on right now, and the US had gotten smoked so far by Brazil & Italy (ISBNS), but they beat Egypt on Sunday by 3, and Italy lost by 3, so the US made the semi-finals. Now they will get smoked by Spain. Congrats.
I think that's all for now. Talk to you again in 168 hours. I think you all will like next week's post. I have a good idear for it. It's just about whether I'll put the time into it or not.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Papelbon said he'd consider playing for the Yanks but wants to be a Red Sock forever. OFB what up.
Joe Torre wins games. Is there anyone out there that believes that managers are overrated? Serious question.
I threw my hat in the ring to write for several Met blogs a couple of weeks ago, got two nibbles. One serious enough that I was asked to write a post and am being considered for a permanent writing gig. UPDATE: I got the yob.....
I did rep LOV in both my bio (under staff) and in a personal note to the Editor of The Daily Stache. Here is my first post.
Speaking of the Mets Krod blew his first save last night (not counting the Luis Castillo BS last Friday) and it came at a not so good time. The Mets two best relievers were shitty in Baltimore and it cost the Mets an opportunity to come within 1 game of Philly after Toronto raped them in CBP. Rats!
Told you the weather has been fucked lately and yesterday was no better. Ruined Bethpage, almost looks destroyed. But listen on the bright side it's golf.
Nascar report : Blank.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I own a guitar. I can't really play it much. I took a few lessons. It isn't signed by anyone... yet.
That oughta hold you for a while.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
So the Lakers won. This depresses me because now we begin the very painful and extremely long wait until the Football season begins. I like baseball and all, but their season is pretty much meaningless until August/September, and by then Football has started, so by that time I just really don't care. Yet another thing that is wrong with baseball.
In other basketball news, Hedo Turkoglu (thanks to his page on ESPN, I know that his name is pronounced "HEE-doe TUR-koe-loo") opts out and the Magic say they're going to go into the luxury tax to keep him. I think they've gotta keep him and I would be very surprised if anyone else opted out of their contract in the off-season. Hedo seems like he's the only one that could benefit from it. Everyone else is scared and for good reason.
Sammy Sosa tested positive for PEDs in 2003. Time to take the Sammy earmuffs off, Freak, he's dirty. If you're going to crucify Arod, then you've gotta do the same to Sammy, cuz he's on the same list that Arod was on. In fact, he also worked out with the same sketchy trainer, Angel Presinal. And Sammy's had a couple of other misadventures, like the corked bat episode. So, what the hell happens now? Baseball is a mess.
Stallworth buys his way out of a long jail sentence. The keys words in that article are: $5 million umbrella insurance policy. CA-CHING! He only has to serve 30 days. I'm not trying to defend Michael Vick here, because I think what he did was disgusting, but Michael Vick served a year and a half hard time. Stallworth KILT* A DUDE and is getting 30 days. That's our justice system, folks. Here's one interesting caveat to Stallworth's sentence: "lifetime driver's license suspension". So now he has to do what he should have done in the first place and hire a driver. More pro guys should look into this.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Indians and Breers had a pitching duel last night. Check out the highlights if you have time.
Tem met a chick who hates the Patriots and Cowboys. Is it too soon to ask her to move in? Maybe I'll tell her the engagement ring is in the closet somewhere. Just kidding, I know it is too soon, I'll ask next week.
78% of WWL people think Kobe will never be considered better than Jordan no matter what he does. I agree. Circle gets the square.
Anyway, in this post we have a running diary of El Tardo's latest and a tem movie review. We were going to have an "interview" with Bert F. but he bailed because he wanted to jeouche around with his mouse pad and cook.
Tem running diary:
8:00 EST - El Tardo is clearly cranky about Colby winning. Is axing 3 questions. Then going to answer them, which means nobody really axed the questions. It doesn't count if you axe yourself.
8:02 EST - " Did Kobe Bryant change as a player/person/leader/performer from 2008 to 2009, or did his circumstances change?" - El Tardo says no. Also El Tardo thinks he is going to live past 80 years old, he didn't get the memo.
8:03 EST - El Tardo says they won because they had good players. Master of the obvious right there he is. Throws stats around to show Colby didn't do anything different...blah blah blah, El Tardo crap, no mentions of his dad, dog, wife or kid. You know he is taking this article seriously. Which sucks. He sucks when he is serious.
8:04 EST - Question - "2. Did the '09 Lakers really like each other, or was it like a Bill-Hillary thing?"
8:05 - 9:05 EST - This was hard reading, but his answer can be summed up as "I dunno"
9:06 EST - Question 3 "3. Why was the media so desperate to convince us Kobe HAD changed, that his quest to win a fourth title was a storyline that dwarfed all others, that we needed to understand this was a GREAT PLAYER WE ARE WATCHING, that he really wants this, that he's like a coach out there ... I mean, what was the motivation here?"
9:06 - 10:06 EST - More painful reading. He doesn't know this answer either then talks about Joey Buss. Then he rambles on and on about more shit that shouldn't have made it to print, but he clearly needs to meet a deadline.
10:07 EST - Fuck it. DO NOT READ THIS EL TARDO ARTICLE, IT WILL CAUSE TEMPORARY BLINDNESS AND CAUSE YOU TO WANT TO STAB YOURSELF.
Damn that was horrible....well I am only as good as my source material....should have had Bert on the show.
This is one of the best movie titles for a movie ever. Ninjas are cool. Assassins are cool, you know when they aren't trying to kill you. Cool plus cool has to equal awesome right? Right? Wrong.
Leave it to hollywood to screw something up that had so much potential. I haven't been this let down by a movie since The Hangover in Ohio.
So this movie is about a bumbling idiot that kills ninjas....I can't even suspend my disbelief, none of this shit would ever happen. Think Kevin James vs Jet Li as a ninja and Kevin James wins...WFT?
0 helmet stickers out of 5 for tricking me.
Monday, June 15, 2009
But then on Sunday night I read a pretty funny story that I would like to share with you all right now. This will be one of those suite picture stories.
Bottom of the 9th and the Mess are ahead 8-7. Yankees have runners on 1st & 2nd and 2 outs, with GayRod (EP's fave) up at the plate. GayRod pops up a pitch to the right side and slams his bat down in disgust for what was sure to be the final out. But lo and behold, Luis Castillo had other plans, as shown here. Maybe his arms were tired from this.
Castillo's drop led to this reaction from F-Raud, as both runners scored to give the Yankees the improbable victory and F-Raud's 1st blown save as a Mess.
That whole sequence led to all of the Yankees laughing and mocking the MESS and their awfulness. But don't worry MESS fans. Their laughing at you, not with you.
Then on Sunday morning, F-Raud gets into an altercation with Yankees reliever Brian Bruney, who said that F-Raud's act was tired. You know what, he's right. Be a pro. You've got the all-time single season save record, act like you've been there before. Don't celebrate every save like it's game 7 of the World Series. But my favorite quote was this, from F-Raud...
"He better keep his mouth shut and do his job and not worry about somebody else," he said after closing out the Mets' 6-2 win Saturday. "If it came out from somebody big, I might pay attention to it. But somebody like that, it doesn't bother me."
So let me get this straight...you had to confront Bruney because of what he said, but he's not somebody big so you didn't pay attention to it and it doesn't bother you. Got it.
Obviously F-Raud gave his team a spark on Sunday with his war of words during BP. Johan pitched, and, well, maybe pitched is too strong of a word. He had the worst start of his career, so he gave up his ball and went home.
And here are the results.
All of this leads us back to the origin of the MESS and the reason for our being.
The end, and we all lived happily erve* after
Friday, June 12, 2009
WHAT THE FUCK. Foul. Send to line. Worse case scenario they hit 2 ft's and will foul you. You'll control your own destiny. That was the worse. Jameer Nelson may be an all star but shit he's a dumb fuck (I'm sure he didn't even attend classes at St Joe's). Why give him so much space to get off a tying 3? That was Orlando losing as much as the Lakers winning. Awful. They deserve to lose now. It's over. God what a frustrating finish for Orlando. Between Hedo's ft misses to that ugly ass last play, ugh. They ain't ready anyway, obviously. Can't wait for the media to slob on Kobe's, how he willed the Lakers to championship even though Ariza, Gasol and Fisher outplayed him down the stretch in this game. So that's 2 4th quarters in back to back Finals game in which Kobe was just another basketball player and not the mean angry 4th quarter closer/rapist. I don't like the Lakers but I don't hate them. I think I hate Kobe though. And Gasol. Definitely hate Gasol. I like Ariza and Odom. Oh I also hate Fisher. Everyone else sucks so you can't hate sucky people. Because they hate themselves already. That's called science.
Adam Morrison has been a real treat on the sideline this series. He should just put on a goofy suit at this point.
Fucking Phil Jackson. Did this guy step into shit or what? I mean he's got what 10 titles (after this one). How much of it is him and how much of it is Jordan/Shaq and now Mamba? This might be his best coaching job, despite getting handed Game 4 last night he's coached exceptionally well this entire playoff run.
EA on SG podcast. If she's on dancing with the stars show at some point I will watch it.
Fucking Raul Ibanez, this guy can't be fucking serious.
Why do serial killers in the movies tilt their heads before they slash you up. They remind me of like dogs who hear a funny noise.
Still can't believe the Magic didn't foul. It's coaching 101. Up 3 with less than 12 seconds, you foul. It's more than science. It's nature.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sports, eh? I know none of you care but Cubs lost late again. I have faith that they can turn the ship around, but this recent awful streak is a little disheartening. I hate other Cubs fans. They are always so pessimistic. It's June people. It's not the end of the world. Yeah, it's not great, but it's nowhere near as atrocious as you make it out to be.
Hey Kareem, you probably shouldn't be trying to piss of the other team's best player in the middle of the finals. For those that missed it, Kareem Alcindor Jabar Abdul Lew said Dwight sucks. No sense has been made.
I'm okay with the Sux Sox going to 7-0 against the yankees. As much as I hate the Reox, I hate the Yankees more. Suck it aroid.
This may be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay faux pas/out of line, but other people have had cancer before, right? Stop milking it for publicity, Mickelson. You don't even have it.
UsPS has flat rate boxes. You know, the ones that ship anything that fits in the box for the same amount. I'm thinking I should ship a block of steel or lead. Try to ruin their equipment.
Said this yesterday, but OHcho cinco got some face tatoos. Hard knocks this year is going to be sa-weet.
Hold on a gosh darn minute. Someone's agent says a player will be good. Man, that's never happened before. Thanks for your groundbreaking work, you dick, Boras. Everyone hates you.
My lips are numb.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Of course the Magic were expected to win that game, if they had lost it, it's pretty much over. It is a little distressing from their perspective that they shot so well and were barely able to pull out a win. I think it's inventible that the Lakers take this, they just need to win one out of the next two, then win at home. I would be very surprised if the Magic won three in a row.
Oh snap, Rachel Nichols in HD. Most impressive.
In other news, I am contemplating a retirement. Not just from this blog, but from blogging in general. I've got too much other stuff that I need to do and blogging has been getting in the way. I'll keep pondering this, but don't be surprised if there's a call for volunteers next Wednesday.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Then there was 800. And this is it. I should end this here, but I won't. I'll write more. In the morning. Really though, I doubt I will do post 800 any justice. If I get post 1,000 it will be epic. Someone remind me of that.
Guess what? It is morning now. So far it is shaping up to be a so so morning. I slept well, so that was nice and I had some sort of pomegranate juice this morning. It has antioxidants in it, so now I won't rust. That's good. I need to find a sub for a softball game and my family is coming into town today. I guess every rose does has its thorn. Also none of my bosses are in the office right now. Which is cool because they can't ask me to do anything if they aren't here, but then again I guess I am in charge. That spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E, like the song.
Jerry Jones says he has "no plans" to bring Pac Man back. He had "no plans" to get rid of TO as well. I guess Pac Man will be back. Good for him. He deserves a fourteenth chance, or whatever he is up to.
Speaking of fourteenth chances let's talk about tem's cousin. He got jacked up on beer, weed and adderol (he is 21). Then he went back to his mom's house (he lives there) found her keys and stoled* the car. Crashed the car into a pole and a tree. Then outran the Cleveland police. In the process he lost his shoes. So the cops caught up with him after like 5 hours and he blew a .13 on the breathalyzer. But they can't prove he was drunk while he was driving, so no DUI for him. Theoretically he could have gotten hammered after outrunning Cleveland's finest. So he's going to get a slap on the wrist and check himself into some Betty Ford type clinic. We'll call him dcot. Dumb Cousin of Tem.
tem movie review:
This movie is clearly about Rev. But not so fast my friend, it isn't. It is really about El Pad. You see, El Pad starts up his own business (named Food, Inc. of course) and the purpose of said business is to educate the rest of the 299,999,999 people in the world about food. Basically you call into the Food, Inc. hotline and the phone person will tell you why what you are eating sucks. Unless you start the sentence with "I am in NYC" then they say what you are eating is good stuff. Hilarity ensues.
Of course that wouldn't make for much of a movie, so there needs to be some drama. So there is this other dude from Philly (aha! plot twist, it is about Rev too) who thinks he knows a thing or two about food. So Rev challenges El Pad to a "food off." No, I don't actually know what that would mean, but it doesn't matter. Hilarity ensues.
Rev and El Pad have lots of celebrity chefs cook for them and they eat the food and tell us what is wrong with it. Hilarity ensues.
Now of course any movie about El Pad has lots of nudity, so that is a huge plus. And if you add in the fact that hilarity ensued not once, not twice, but three times a lady, then you know this is a good movie. Think Beerfest meets Dodgeball meets Rachel Ray meets cinemax porn.
4.5 helmet stickers out of 5.
Tiger Woo, ya'll. He' a goddman masheen*. I love watching rounds like he had on Sunday, where he's driving it well and you know that he's going to make every putt. And the chip in on #11 was redonk. It's probably safe to say that he's back, 100%.
While we're on the topic, steve had a gold* tourney this weekend with strippers. He should post pics. He probably got a lot of attention. Strippers get pretty touchy with retards because they figure it's the most as. they'll ever get.
EP's favorite piece of sports equipment is the shuttlecock.
Tommy Hanson was barely able to get more guys out than Tommy Glavine. He should try to throw fewer HR pitches.
The Tony Awards are on tonight. I was going to do a running diary, then I realized that they are awards for Broadway shows. And I didn't have June 7, 2009 listed on my calendar as the day I would kill myself.
Hey David Wright. The Riot has twice as many HRs as you have. Just let that sink in for a minute.
I didn't watch any basketball. I guess the team in Los Angeles won the first 2 games. So maybe the season is almost over.
Hockey is also almost over. I mean, this season. The sport itself has been "done" for a while now.
Pirates GM has seller's remorse
Sun Devils are finna win the College World Series. Write it down. In pencil. So you can erase it if it's wrong.
My streak for the cash is at 5 games right now. That's the highest I've erve* gotten. Except for that one night with the ecstasy. But I just jinxed my streak. Oh well, I don't need a million dollars.
So they found some more bodies from that goddman Air France plane. Maybe Mythbusters should do a show on this. Put some cork underneath a person falling from 35,000 feet and see if it will cushion their landing. ISBNS that the bodies had not been eaten by anything yet. But I guess one of the people was still fastened in their seat. Zeke had a suite joke about that this weekend, something along the lines of "I guess THE CAPTAIN hadn't turnt off the fasten seatbelt light yet".
My dogs are making out with each other right now. Fucking dogs will lick anything.
My $FMLB lost for the first time this year. Woe.
Bert Farb had or is having shoulder surgery. I'm usually against wishing death upon people, but if they accidentally sliced an artery on him, I wouldn't be sad at all.
Goddman csil, I don't know how her and my buddy are still dating. The sex must be fucking amazing. The drama that she causes, wow, I just don't understand it. And hsil meets some dude when we were all out on Friday night, and she invites him over to our house last night because we were having people over to celebrate cmk's birthday. So hsil gets fucking to' up before and during dinner, and her dude gets over to our house with some friends of his, and she passes out 15 minutes later and leaves dude hanging. So as a scientist, this proves the theory that crazy is hereditary.
I think that's all I've got. This was too much efforting. Go talk now.
Friday, June 05, 2009
I accept the Mets name as the Mess for right now. They are BANGED up like something crazy. Don't remember a time in which the mets had injuries this bad. Hopefully they can wade water until at least Delgado comes back. Reyes with a torn muscle is not good. What bothers me the most is it's a new injury, while he was trying to work through a seperate leg injury. Beltran for the first time I can remember was really pissed off about the Pirates sweep so let's see if he'll assume the leadership role here. He's talented enough to carry a team and the Mets need him to do that.
One thing on the Glavine story since I missed most of yesterday with a very very bad chest cold/flu type bug, I feel for the old man but I think when you have a kid in the minors who is throwing like Hanson was throwing and you can add him into the rotation now (after a two year wait) you should do it. Honestly he should have broken camp as a starter but the Braves really took thier time with him. Glavine threw 11 scoreless innings in the minors but that doesn't mean he can get major league hitters out consistently. Guile and changeups will only last so long. Oh the McClouth deal was money. Fucking money trade.
Why is Tony Dungy on a pedestal? I feel like everytime WWL mentions his name I'm supposed to bow or something. I fail to see how any of his comments on players is newsworthy.
Big Unit won game #300. Cementing his Hall of Fame career. I don't have anything else to add except that he's a dick. Personal opinion.
The title is from one of the best movies involving smack talking, basketball and racism.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Rev must be loving that Westbrook is getting surgery. They drafted a back, right? So it won't be a huge deal.
God doesn't want Randy Johnson to get his 300th win. Rain will pour on the Giants until The Big Unit dies.
Sosa is going to officially retire soon. Yeah, you probably thought he was already retired. No biggie. He's a hall of famer. No proof of steroids. No reason to keep him out. A quote from the ESPN article about it, "Known as the "Caribbean Bambino" after his home run race in 1998 with Mark McGwire." What the hell? I've never heard him called that ever. Nice job making things up ESPN.
People are playing tennis in France.
It's June and hockey is being played. Stop it.
It is nearly two months after the NBA regular season ended. Hurry it up Stern.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
So, the Finals. Orlando and L.A. is not the match up David Stern wanted, but it's the one he's got. I personally think that this is a much tougher match-up for the Lakers than Cleveland would have been. The Cavs, as it was shown in the Eastern Conference Finals, have LeBron and that's about it. Orlando has a monster down low and shooters everywhere. Ok, let's break this series down; here are the Axe Bodyspray Keys to the Series:
Mamba vs. Mickael Pietrus. First off, I'm really glad Pietrus is getting some pub. He's a great player. They don't have 5 tool players in basketball, but he's damn near close to an NBA 5 tool player. I picked him up in FNBA a couple of years ago when he was on Golden State and it was a little frustrating because Nelly was sitting him on the bench for some stupid reason. I thought he was going to be a sleeper this year, but he was hurt a lot. Orlando has got to be thankful he is healthy for the playoffs because he knocks down his shots and he's their only one-on-one wing defender. He did a great job on LeBron, but LeBron still managed to average 38 in the last series and I think Kobe gets his in this series. Pietrus doesn't play the entire game, in fact he's playing behind Courtney Lee, who may start, but I think Pietrus gets more minutes because Mamba is going to work the rookie. Mamba could also render his defender useless if he becomes the facilitator that carried the Lakers in their last two wins. Advantage: Lakers.
Skip-To-My-Lou vs. Derek Fisher. I would love to see these two in a cage on a UFC Pay-Per-View. Or a WWE Hardcore Match. Who is going to start the bench clearing brawl between these two, and is Rafer Alston gonna stash a shank in his shoe and start stabbing fools? Also, Fisher is like 97 years old and a liability on defense. Oh, and Jameer Nelson might be ready for this series. I doubt he can play 20-30 minutes, so Skip is still the starter and will play the bulk of the minutes, but if Jameer can give them 8-10 and destroy Fisher in the process, that's a plus for the Magic. Advantage: Magic, unless Alston shanks someone and gets suspended.
Phil vs. SVG. Zen Master vs. The Master of Panic. Both teams have shown they can blow big leads in the playoffs. Orlando also managed to beat the Lakers twice during the season. I was at the L.A. game, and what happened there looks like it could happen in the playoffs. Lakers got a big lead and then the Magic came roaring back and beat them. The problem is, the Magic live and die by the jump shot. So far they've been living rather well. If it starts to go south, it could get ugly. One thing Phil needs to do is figure out how to get the Lakers to play defense for 48 minutes a game. This is going to be a game of insane runs and whoever makes the right adjustments will win. I'm leaning towards Phil, but it's closer than you think.Advantage: Lakers, but it's close.
Dwight Howard vs. Andrew Bynum/Pau Gasol. This where if you're a Lakers fan, you're scared to deaf*. If Dwight averages 30/15, forget about it, they're done. And from watching the last couple of Magic games, I just don't know how you stop this young man. When they won in L.A. during the regular season, the Magic played inside-out to perfection. The Lakers have a problem defending that kind of scheme. They (especially Kobe) overplay on the wings and then they over-rotate and either can't guard the shooter, or they can't box out and it leads to easy scores. In the game I saw, Joe Smith had like three follow-up dunks. Joe Smith was killing them. Joe. Smiff. They need to get a defensive scheme STAT. Howard could have a huge series. Pow! Gasol could put up 20/10, but it's Bynum who really needs to show up in this series. I still think Howard cannot be contained by anything the Lakers throw at him. Advantage: Magic.
Hedo Turkoglu/Rashard Lewis vs. Trevor Ariza/Lamar Odom. Again, this comes down to shooting, and Turkoglu has been known to disappear in games, but the Magic duo are just too good. They hit insane, clutch shots. And you've got to start wondering which Lamar Odom is going to show up (more on that later). Ariza is a great defender, but he doesn't give you that much on the offensive end. I gotta go with the Magic here. Advantage: Magic.
Lamar Odom vs. Lamar Odom. Which Lamar is going to show up? When he's on his game, he's unstoppable and there is not another player like him in the entire league; he can cover four positions and do whatever he wants on offense at any time. When he's off or just average, it's brutal. You gotta think that the good Lamar Odom is going to show up here. If he can't get motivated for the Finals, then I don't know what's going to motivate the dude. If he doesn't play to the best of his ability, it's going to be a tough series for the Lakers. I think he shows up. Advantage Lakers.
Lakers Bench vs. Magic Bench. Once again, this comes back to how Lamar Odom plays, but you look at that Magic bench, and there's not a whole lot to like there. Minus 500 points for a Dukie on the bench. Marcin Gortat has developed a bit and has been producing, but I think the Lakers bench can handle him. This is where Sasha Vujacic needs to step up and make a shot every once-in-awhile. Dude has been TERRIBLE so far in the postseason. The Lakers bench is superior, but the Magic starters are going to get a lot of minutes, and they are better than anything the Lakers have on their bench behind Odom, so even though they're a clear-cut winner in this category, the Lakers bench needs to step it up. Advantage: Lakers.
The Lakersgirls vs. The Magic Dancers. The Magic Dancers look way sluttier (like WAY sluttier), but c'mon now, we're talking about The Lakergirls here. Advantage: Lakers.
I want to call it Lakers in six, but this could easily go seven. The finals schedule (2-3-2) works in the Lakers favor, but they need to win those two games in L.A., get one out of three in Orlando, and then close it out. I think this is a close series, which is scary because the Magic are so young. They can be the Beast in the East for years to come if they can hold this team together. I thought it was a year too early for them and had them exiting in the Eastern Conference Finals, so I think they're overachieving a little and they really rely on their jumpshooters way too much. But if Howard has a monster series and their shots fall, I think they have more than a shot to win. I still think it's the Lakers series to lose. Lakers in six (maybe seven).
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
....I think nothing beats a good "too soon" joke. Yesterday there was a lightning storm here so I said "good thing we aren't in an Air France plane right now..........too soon???" Cracked me up. I like "too soon jokes."
....I think women's tennis players have broader shoulders than the men tennis players. Nadal is a tiny looking dude. He is ripped, but not really huge. Then they show the chick that is the #1 chick and she looks like some sort of truck. This is kind of the same with swimmers. Chick swimmers are truck looking things and men swimmers are lanky. What gives?
....I think LeBron should get worse pub for not shaking hands after his loss. Classless move. It's just good sportsmanship, it has been done for years and years and now LeBron thinks that because he is a "winner" he doesn't have to shake hands. Not so fast my friend. Be a role model and shake hands. By the by I don't care that he didn't talk to the media afterwards. Nothing in the sportsmanship handbook says you have to do that. The NBA handbook might say it, but not the sportsmanship one.
....I do movie reviews. Here is one:
My Sister's Keeper
This movie is very aptly titled...although it isn't about my sister's keeper because I am an only child. Well I have two half sisters, but that doesn't count. Anyway, it is about some dude's sister's keeper. That's right, some dude has a sister who plays fantasy football and she needs help deciding who to keep on her team. Her league gets one keeper and she has to decide who to keep. She wants to keep LDT, but people are telling her that is a bad idea because he is run down, but she believes in him. Over time her brother and her boyfriend and her dad and some Indian guy at the 7-11 give her advice on who to keep. And some other people too, but I won't ruin it for you....but ultimately the decision is up to her...
That doesn't stop the people in her life from trying to get her to keep who they want. Her boyfriend tries to withhold sex so she'll pick his guy. That fails miserably as we all know guys don't have that club in their bag so to speak. Her dad offers to buy her a pony, but then she gets all pissed because she isn't 8 anymore and her dad fails to realize that. And really, why would an 8 year old girl play fantasy football? Come on dad, get with the program. Her brother offers to give her that diary back he stole years ago, but they realize it was really her friend's diary (hilarity ensues here because the author has a crush on the brother, but the brother thinks it is the sister's diary.....dun dun dun). The 7-11 guy offers free hotdogs, but they are gross and the girl is a vegan. Freaking vegans suck.
Who does she end up keeping? You'll have to watch to find out....because honestly I left before the end of the movie.
In any case if you are going to see one comedy this summer see something else. But if say you are going to see 15 comedies this summer then go ahead and see this one. By the by it stars Cameron Diaz but she does not get nekkid.
1.5 helmet stickers out of 5.
Now go forth and comment.
Monday, June 01, 2009
So this guy from SNL wit the huge teeth is hosting the show tonight. I really don’t think he’s funny at all. Jimmy Fallon told him that he laughs at his jokes too much.
9:03 – The show starts with a bunch of spoofs. Halfway through he gets naked and sticks his as. in Justin Timberlake’s face. Mize just got jealous
9:05 – I guess the host’s name is Andy Samberg. Or Samburg. He’s probably Jewish. And he just told the crowd they can fart if they want. That was his best joke of the monologue. I wish I was kidding.
9:08 – Jew guy is trying to rap and he called Megan Fox ugly. I hate him even more
9:10 – First award is presented by Anna Faris and some dude from the Star Trek movie. I don’t like Faris as a blond. The award they’re presenting is for best breakthrough performance for a female. What a stupid show.
9:11 – I just realized that I’m running a diary for the MTV Movie Awards. There is no reason why I should be watching this show. I watched it last year because hsil was in the crowd by the stage so we were trying to see her, but this year I have no excuse. I’m that bored.
9:12 – Transformers 2 exclusive premier trailer looks fucking suite. I’m uber pumped.
9:15 – Cmk just axed what I was doing. ::flank stare:: is in the house.
9:17 – It’s been mentioned here before, but The Hangover looks hilarity. I told cmk that it’s based on my bach party. More ::stank glare::s
9:19 – Shia LeBeaf is wearing a skinny tie. Skinny ties must be making a comeback because I’ve seen them a lot on TV lately.
9:20 – This Twilight movie must be pretty popular because every time it’s mentioned, all the little kids start screaming like…well…little kids. The chance that I’ll watch that movie is < than EP’s vertical stature.
9:23 – EMINEM!!!!!! Fuck you, mize. Eminem is the king shit. But he made MTV censor “rape”, “assault”, “murder”, and “nuts”. Thanks Janet!
9:29 – GI Joe also looks pretty suite-like.
9:35 – This fucking show is awful. Now Jew guy is pretending he’s Springsteen, singing some lame ass song.
9:36 – Now the fat kid from Superbad is on stage and he’s wearing a skinny tie. This trend is awful. I bet EP doesn’t have any skinny ties.
9:37 – Another category, another person from Twilight winning. Why is this shit so popular with the kids? Did Miley Cyrus write it?
9:39 – Another show about Paris trying to get a BFF? ISBNS
9:40 – Cmk just farted. I tolt her I was putting that in the diary. She was not amused. That’s a big NS.
9:45 – This goddman show isn’t even half over yet. But as a special treat to all of you, this diary is almost over.
9:54 – Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds present the award for “Here I am. I was famous once. Don’t forget about me”.
9:56 – People from Twilight won another award. Something about a kiss or something. Then they get on stage and act like they’re gonna kiss again. Like, OMIGOD, this is so exciting!!!
10:00 – Chris Isaac and Leeann Rimes are onstage singing now. We must have gotten mize’s time masheen to take us back to 1997.
10:02 – Now Forrest Whitaker is singing. They’re singing about dick in a box. I guess this jew guy is the guy that made that. So he did 1 funny thing in his life.
10:03 – Hayden P is presenting the WFT award. No, really, they have a category called the WFT Award. Hayden just dropped the f bomb about 10 times. I like her even more now.
10:07 - OK I'm done now. I can't watch any more of this shit. I will nerve get that hour of my life back.