Thursday, April 30, 2009

Put your stank face on

Yeah, you're getting even less effort from me than normal. Deal.



Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Grading Time.

So it's time to grade the draft. I'm not going to grade everyone, just teams I thought made a significant impression either way.

Detroit Lions: B-. Everyone's giving them pretty good grades so far, but I'm not that impressed. $78 over six years with $41 million in guaranteed money. For one guy. And he hasn't even played a game yet. And they're the Lions. Also, from listening to ESPN radio for the last week, Quarterbacks taken in the first round have like a 30% success rate. So yeah, there's a 70% chance that you bet the farm on the wrong horse. They needed a Quarterback, but when the rest of their team is just horrible, someone's going to be the scapegoat in two or three years when they're back in the same place they're in now and I think that scapegoat is going to be the #1 pick with the $41 mill in guaranteed money. I do like how they used their Roy Williams picks on a Tight End and a Receiver, and then spent the rest of their picks mainly on defense, because, let's face it, they're terrible on both sides of the ball. I'm just not sold on the Stafford pick; I think a lot of the reason why Matt Ryan was so good in his first year was because they have a decent O-Line and then Michael Turner in the backfield. And their defense isn't too bad. And they just traded for Tony G. Stafford's not going to have all of that. Megatron helps, but the rest of the offense is bad and their defense is just terrible. With that said, I don't know who else they would pick; it was a lose-lose situation in my opinion.

Oakland Raiders: J-. Darrius Heyward-Bey? Darrius Heyward-Bey? DARRIUS. HEYWARD. BEY. Good Lord. Raiders are a debacle. Trade down and take him late in the first or early in the second. This is a terrible pick, especially when Crabtree and Maclin are sitting around waiting to shake hands with the Commissioner. They spent the majority of the rest of their picks on Defense, apparently they are going to stay with their plan of sticking with JaMarcus Russell. Mindbottling. I mean...Jesus.

Philadelphia Iggles: A. It pains me to say that the Iggles did a good job, but they did. It basically cost them a Sixth rounder to move up two spots to get the guy they wanted in Jeremy Maclin. Then they addressed some areas where they have holes due to free agency; Runningback and Tight End. Then it's a mix of defense and offensive line with another Wide Receiver. They have to be thanking the Radiers for being the Raiders and screwing up badly enough so that Maclin fell to them with the 19th pick.

New England Patriots: B+. When you've got 97 picks in the draft, it's kind of hard to make a misstep here. They've spent the last couple of years trading out of the first round (where they would have to spend a lot of money on a rookie) and into the later rounds (where they can pick up guys and develop them for cheap). They used most of their picks on defense, where they're looking a little creaky. They didn't have that big name guy because they didn't have a first rounder, but I'd rather have four second round picks than a late first and second round pick.

Tampa Bay: D+. So wait a minute here, you had Brian Griese, then you cut him, then you trade a sixth rounder to get him back, THEN you go out and draft a QB with your first round pick? Ok then. The problem is, the Bucs don't have a whole lot for him to throw to and their backfield is brittle to say the least. They acquired Kellen Winslow, but it's going to be his first year with Tampa, with a first year QB and a first year coach. So, how do you think this is going to end? I think it's going to end badly. One of the only positives is that at least the defense is still somewhat decent.

Cleveland Browns: B+. The Browns actually did a pretty good job here. They traded down and picked up a sixth rounder and got a guy that will bolster their offensive line, then they picked up a wide receiver with one of their Kellen Winslow picks, then they focus on Defense for most of the rest of the draft. Not bad. They know their weaknesses and are trying to address them, unlike last year's offseason where they just went out and spent money.

San Francisco 49ers: B. And that grade is mainly because of the Crabtree pick, which was due in part to the fact that the Raiders are completely inept. They didn't have a 2nd rounder and they spent their 3rd rounder on a Runningback. I know the NFL is becoming a two back league, but seriously, you've got Frank Gore back there, how about spending that pick on the defense? They spent a fifth round compensatory pick on a Quarterback to address the absolute mess there, but really, is that guy even going to make it to the practice squad? They didn't have a whole lot of picks because of trades, I understand that, but they really need defense and o-line help and they really didn't do anything to help themselves there.

San Diego Super Chargers: C. Kind of a disappointing draft. They went with an undersized Defensive End for their first pick, I guess that means they're probably not going to resign Merriman. Then it was Guard, Tackle, Guard, 3rd down back, corner, safety, receiver. Pretty boring.

N.Y. Jets: C. The reason why I'm giving them such a bad score is because they only had three picks and they've just completely mismanaged things for the last couple of years. They traded to rent Brett Favre for a year, then they traded up to get Dirty Sanchez. So, they're actually in a worse spot than they were two years ago when they had Chad Pennington, who went to the playoffs with Miami. The thing I keep hearing about Sanchez is that teams like his "intangibles". What the hell does that even mean? I think Sanchez does alright, and he could have a great season if that O-line holds up. Teams don't have a whole lot of tape on him, he could have a great first half and then start to fade. Their schedule kind of backs that up; in their first eight games, they have their two toughest games (against the Pats and the Titans) at home and they start off with Houston, play the Fins twice and play the Raiders. Their second half is pretty brutal. After their bye, it's Jacksonville, at New England, Carolina, at Buffalo, at Tampa, Atlanta, at Indy and then they finish at home against the Bengals. That is rough. They could start 5-3 and finish 6-10. And that might be tough on a dude that has gotten use to winning his whole life. And then there's the New York media, who just loves to pile on. Good luck, Mark.

That's about it.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Thanks for.....

showing up New Orleans....wow 58 points. You suck. At least you shot free throws well. Maybe you guys should try something different next game. I don't know what, but anything is better.

showing up Utah Jazz....maybe next year. Everyone knows you never had a chance, so you can hold your head high that you didn't get swept.

showing up San Jose Sharks...weren't you supposed to win the Cup? You didn't even make it 7 games with the 8 seed. Good work, except the exact opposite. Really though you were up against the flying V and Emilio Estevez, so what are you going to do?

trying Pirates bullpen...you stunk yesterday. But so far as a Pirates fan there isn't much complaining to be had. On all fronts they are better than expected. Yay!

that idiotic ad on WWL right now...best rates! Today 7%, yesterday 5%. Umm wow, today is 2% higher than yesterday? If it is that volatile I suspect that today's 7% isn't the best rate.

the idiotic admin lady here that needs me to send her the same documents over and over and over again. I guess she is some sort of job security for me.

the idiots who keep calling me and making me stop writing my post....except NOT. Fuck those idiots and fuck AXE.


Obama.


the following tem movie review:

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian


Umm wow, talk about a movie title that takes the fun out of a tem review...dang. Hell they might as well just throw all the dialogue in there too. I'm not even sure I really need to explain this movie, but whatever, that's what I am here for.

This movie is predictably about a night at a museum. Inferring from the title one can deduce that the museum is the Smithsonian. Also one can infer that there is a battle there. Basically this is the whole plot. Evil terrorists couldn't get any more planes to crash into El Pad's buildings so they go after the museum....but they got another thing coming because Robin Williams is there. Yes indeed, second only to Chuck Norris in men killed is Robin Williams. First he starts talking and then he never shuts up. Your ears fall off and you bleed out like Sean Taylor (what? still too soon???). Personally I'd rather just get the Norris kick to the face, but whatever, some people deserve the Robin Williams death and they get it. That's right Robin Williams kills the terrorists before they can steal the Darth Vader outfit from the Smithsonian.

Also Ben Stiller was there, but his wife wasn't so nobody cared.

2 helmet stickers out of 5.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I forgot

Draft happened this weekend. Retards are back in fashion, apparently. If they existed and cost $1 apiece, Stafford could buy about 41 million Down's pills. That would probably cure his ailment. People around here think the Cards taking Beanie is a good pick. He's got loads of talent, but he's frah-jee-lay. Rik Smits was talking about Beanie and said "Wow, he has bad feet".

Our A/C went out yesterday. I don't know what's wrong with it, but I can't raise or lower the thermostat temperature. It's stuck on 85° and none of the buttons are working because there's a little picture of a lock next to the temperature reading. The air is just blowing out, but not cold air, it's just the fan. So it's luke-cold air. So the house is sitting at a balmy 85° now. Time to call the landlord I guess. Unless anyone here works for an HVAC company.

My name right now is the worse ever.

So I was gonna do a gimmick for this week but decided not to because I was feeling mizey, and I also didn't think anyone else would do it. I was gonna do an "LoV Cribs" post and put pics of different parts of the house with running commentary. But I figured it would get low reviews and decided against it. But now I just remembered that this joint is D- anyway, so I guess I should have done it. Oh well. You're all just missing out I guess.

You know who really sucks right now? David Wright. I hate that guy. He needs to be sanchezed.

That's all. This was lame, I know. But idgaf

Friday, April 24, 2009

El Pad's 2009 NFL Mock Draft brought to you by tough actin' Tinactin

Now as I re-read this and compare them to other mock drafts I've read it seems somewhat close. The lower half of the draft could be totally different. The only way the upper part will be a world different will be if someone trade up for Sanchez. There is a lot of buzz out there. You've probably heard Skins, Jets, Broncos and the like to try to move around to get Sanchez. Seattle is saying they are not taking Sanchez which leads everyone to believe they are taking Sanchez. Let's see what happens. Onto it.

1) Lions - Matthew Stafford, QB Georgia
Tard pop goes up one in Detroit.

2) Rams - Jason Smith, T Baylor
Science. Rams need a tackle. Smith can run block better than Monroe.

3) Chiefs - Aaron Curry, LB Wake Forest
I want to have the Chiefs trade down but I couldn't find the right fit. Was thinking they'd dangle Gonzalez in a package. Say to the Falcons they need a TE. (Update: Chifs traded Tony G to Atlanta for a 2010 2nd round pick) They can jump here grab Curry, net Gonzo and give away most of their 2nd day picks plus the 24th overall. Complicated though. Jacksonville moving from 8 to 3 could happen. They're hot for alot of things. Crabtree, the big tackle, Curry. They have holes like swiss cheese. In the end, if the Chiefs don't like anything thrown at them they take Curry. He can be valuable inside or outside in the 3-4.

4) Seahawks - Matt Sanchez, QB USC
For Seattle, to me, this is a no-brainer. Unless your overwhelmed with an offer to move down say from The Jets, Skins or Broncos you take Sanchez. Sit, groom whatver you want to call it. Matt Hasselback is 34 years old.

5) Cleveland Browns - B.J. Raji, DT Boston College
Has to be Raji. Mangini needs a stout 3-4 nose tackle. Now, there is a dirty secret that no one has mentioned and it involves the Giants moving to this spot for Crabtree. Like 3% chance but warrants mentioning. If you see the Browns taking Crabtree then assume the Braylon deal is done. If talks fall through Raji is the pick.

6) Bengals - Eugene Monroe, T Virginia
Monroe can pass block like nobody's business.

7) Oakland Raiders - Jeremy Maclin, WR Missouri
It's seriously the worst kept secret of this year's draft. Which totally means he'll pick one of the USC linebackers instead. For entertainment value I'll go with everyone else and say Maclin.

8) Jaguars - Michael Crabtree, WR Texas Tech
I don't Jacksonville can pass on Mike Crabtree here. They have a ton of needs and WR is one of them. CB - can't reach on Jenkins here, DT - none available, LB - Orakpo maybe? I'll stick with Crabtree, Holt can teach this kid how to run a route and Garrad can have his #1 now. Also this is one spot where Jacksonville can move down for more later round or 2nd day picks.

9) Packers - Brian Orakpo, DE/OLB Texas
Brian is that hybrid DE/OLB all the defensive coordinators foam at the mouth for. This is the Packers #1 need.

10) San Francisco - Michael Oher, OT Mississippi
Top rated tackle. Big Andre still looms but he done fucked up, nobody wants the headache.

11) Bills - Aaron Maybin, DE Penn State
If they remain here, they'll take Maybin. They really wanted Orakpo but he didn't last. Maybin fills Buffalo's DE need pronto.

12) Denver Broncos - Tyson Jackson, DE LSU
They have to go defense. Maybe even the entire draft. God they stink on defense. Now Denver sits at 18 as well but I don't think they care to wait until then to grab Jackson who they clearly like. Unless, for some silly reason, Matt Sanchez is still here.

13) Redskins - Andre Smith, OT Alabama
Value, putting whatever character issues aside this guy was supposed to be a top 3 pick. Skins were looking on the outside in when it came to getting a big tackle and here big Andre is. They pounce.

14) Saints - Malcolm Jenkins, CB Ohio State
Beanie Wells? I thought about it but they are desperate for secondary playmakers. And there is some value in RB's in the later rounds.

15) Texans - Clay Matthews Jr, LB USC
Sappy pick. Father is on the coaching staff. If not Matthews than Robert Ayers. I'll play the family card. Father Bruce is a hall of famer you know.

16) Chargers - Knowshon Moreno, RB Gerogia
Heir apparent is set. No need to get all upset Ladanian. Chunky soup hasn't kept you healthy the past two playoff years. Sphroles is not a #1. I could have went defense here maybe the USC linebacker that freaked Erin Andrews but they are pretty stacked at linebacker.

17) Jets - Rey Maualaga, ILB USC
Rex Ryan continues his quest to win every game 9-0.

18) Broncos - Brian Cushing, OLB USC
And the third Linebacker from Southern Cal goes. Amazing Carrol is a master recruiter. Converting to a 3-4 Denver will need a bit of versatility, with the roster they have now, Cushing immediately becomes a starter on that 3-4 LB corp.

19) Bucs - Robert Ayers, DE Tennessee
Nice value here, Ayers is highly rated. Honestly Bucs can do anything here. Josh Freeman, Percy Harvin, Peria, Davis, etc. They have holes. And a rookie coach.

20) Lions - Everett Brown, DE Florida State
Lions need all the defensive help they can get. I thought about Vontae Davis but Schwartz needs bodies to rush the passer before he needs cover corners.

21) Eagles - Beanie Wells, RB Ohio State
Reid looking for that perfect compliment for Westbrook. Wells will be a fine back in this league. Should be the successor to Westbrook as well.

22) Vikings - Eben Britton, OT Arizona
They have no Right Tackle. Damn shame because I envisioned Percy Harvin ripping up that turf on his way to 6 off a bubble screen. Remember 1997 when Moss dropped to the Vikes at #21 because of character issues? I'll stick with the tackle but totally could see Harvin go here.

23) Patriots - James Laurinaitis, LB Ohio State
Slow, powerful, smart and most importantly white (think Vrabel/Izzo/Bruschi). Two things, one he replaces Bruschi the devil. Two he steals him from the Dolphins who have a hot flash for Animal's son. Or is is Hawk's son? Donald Brown could be in play here. Or Vontae Davis.

24) Falcons - Peria Jerry, DT Ole Miss
The most glaring need on this team is nose tackle. The fact that Jerry is still here may surprise the Atlanta war room. I thought about Pettigew here, the TE, just to give another weapon for Matt Ryan but this is the safe play. (Update, they don't need a TE anymore, see Chiefs)

25) Dolphins - Vontae Davis, CB Illinois
No pass rushers, no linebackers here for them to take. But the best cornerback in this draft is here. A position that lacks some talent on this team.

26) Ravens - Darrius Haywood-Bey, WR Maryland
Makes sense, they need a WR. Hometown kid, fast, vertical threat Flacco needs.

27) Colts - Hakeem Nicks, WR North Carolina
Very controlled guy. Uses his size well, very good hands. Life after Marvin won't be so bad after all. Noise Donald Brown will go here. Keep an eye out for that.

28) Bills - Brian Pettigrew, TE Oklahoma State
With no 1st round offensive lineman left Bills address a major offensive need in Pettigrew.

(There is a trade. Giants trade the 29th overall pick and a 3rd round pick for Braylon Edwards.)

29) Browns - Donald Brown, RB Uconn
While they do need a WR after trading Edwards and Winslow I expect them to snag one in the later rounds or maybe move one of the picks for a established NFL WR. Being able to get Brown is a major coup this is a hell of a kid. Off the field and on.

30) Titans - Darius Butler, CB Uconn
Nick Harper meet your replacement.

31) Cardinals - LeSean McCoy, RB Pitt
They wanted Beanie Wells or Donald Brown but they did not last.

32) Steelers - Alphonso Smith, CB Wake Forest
They need a young cornerback. And some Offensive lineman. Maybe Mack or Unger here.

Now, you see I have some first round talent missing out here. Percy Harvin, Kenny Britt, Josh Freeman. As usual teams will draft needs not sympathy. Harvin is different, I get the feeling teams are sick and tired (cept the Bengals) of dealing with players that have character issues. Especially if you haven't even done anything at the pro level yet.

Just to clarify: Crabtree dropping to 8, Jax, probably won't happen. Sanchez thing will cause a major draft shift. If Seattle doesn't take Sanchez, deal or no deal, they will 100% take Crabtree.

Giants/Browns, who knows deal could be dead. Could be alive. The Manning deal with Whales Vagina came together at the last minute. Like I said above if Crabtree is there and the Browns take him the deal is done. Just not announced. I think the Browns need that nose tackle alot more than they need that WR and if Brown is there at 29 they have to take him. Jamal Lewis is just about done. Giants also may be putting something together for Darrius Haywood Bey. Moving to the 16th or 17th spot.

Skins scare me and if Jason Campbell winds up a Jet, his career is over. The NY media will absolutely destory this kid.

Cardinals really want Beanie Wells or Donald Brown. But are not willing to move around to get him.

NFL draft, Baseball leaking out into May, NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs......very nice.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

We didn't start the flame war

Green hats and lettering yesterday was stupid. I think I saw the Astros and Red Sox do it. Soon enough they'll be wearing yellow hats on bus driver day or some crap like that.

Looks like the Pacers picked a bad year to suck again. '09 NBA Draft class is projected to be dog poo. And with likely the 13th pick that poo's gonna be nice and stenchy.

I predict the biggest NASCAR crash this weekend will involve 7 cars.

I've never understood the concept of guys wanting to get picked by the worst team. Stafford came out recently and said he wants the Lions to pick him. Yeah, it's cool to be the #1 pick, but wouldn't you rather drop and go somewhere that wasn't Detroit? The only reason I can think of is money. If you're good enough, you should be able to recoop that. Maybe I'm devaluing the money aspect, but I'd take going in the late teens/early twentys over going top 5.

It's too bad tem isn't watching this season of Scrubs. It's the best season yet.

This guy is cool.


Voice Talkers.


We didn't start the flame war!


Happy Hunting!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Quick Hits.

I am stealing internet right now, because the DSL modem exploded, so this is probably going to be a short post.

NBA: Powe out, KG has a sitting partner; Dwight Howard, youngest defensive player of the year; NBA front office is reviewing Dampier's postgame comments about putting Tony Parker on his back - expect a fine/suspension.

MLB: Red Sox shortstop Jed Lowrie has wrist surgery, Operation: Fuck Boston is still on! Who had April 21st in the Rocco Baldelli Goes On The Disabled List Pool? If you did, you're the big winner. The Great Falls Little League is going to pay Elijah Dukes' fine. The Great Falls Little League is a class act. The Nationals (or "Natinals" as it says on their jerseys) are a bunch of douchebags.

NHL: who cares?

NFL: Rumor Mill - a lot of teams are interesting in Anquan Boldin. I don't know what's more shocking, the ESPN keeps rehashing this story, or that Rocco Baldelli hit the DL already. Also, "The 'Fridge" is in the hospital. He's expected to make a full recovery; insert Rev joke here.

'80s song: I couldn't embed the regular video for this song, so we're going with a live version where the lead singer has the greatest mullet and yellow plaid suit combination ever in the recorded history of man. He looks like a giant douchenozz, but in his defense, he was a lead singer for an '80s band. Anyways, I heard it on JackFM yesterday when I was driving home from work so it's fresh in the memory bank; Love and Pride by King:

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

My shirt is blue, not the person, the color.

Rajon Rondo showed up for the whole game. Ray Allen showed up for the second half. That’s all the Celts needed to even their series. Again the Celts let someone go off on them (this time Ben Gordon), so that’s not good. If (and this is a HUGE if) they make it to the end and play Cleveland I think Lebron will average 45+ for the series.

But back to Rondo, 19pts, 12reb, 16ast, 5stl, 2tos is one hell of a game. I wonder if El Tardo will write about it. Rank it 7th as the all time greatest Celtics’ individual efforts in a playoff game. He’ll say it would be higher if it was the Finals, but then he will say it was real important because there is no way the Celts were coming back from 2 down. That’s the way he writes. Just wait and see. And if he doesn’t write that article it means he read this and got scared. Hi El Tardo.

In the other game watching Dirk trying to guard Tony Parker outside of the 3pt line off of a switch when the Spurs high screen is hilarity. He wasn’t even close to stopping Mr. Longoria. I think Eva could have taken it to the hoop on Dirk. I am unsure he knows what defense is. He looks like a clueless 5th grader out there on D. Dirk sucks.

In baseball news I like the combo of Kruk and Winfield on Baseball Tonight. They don’t suck. They are the anti-Dirk’s. Also, while I can I will brag about the Pirates. So far their pitching is doing well. This 7-6 record for them is like the Steelers going 15-1, you couldn’t really ask for much more.

In other news I have decided that my go to insult for random things is going to be “douche” or some sort of variation of that. I used to say “that’s gay” but now there are too many gay people and/or people who are just overly politically correct and get offended. I am tired of defending myself. I give up. Those gayballs, er, douches win. Freaking douchetastic.


OK everyone is bored with sports now so let’s do a movie review:

Obsessed

This movie was originally called The El Pad Story, but they changed the title. Not sure why. This movie is about a guy from New York who is obsessed with 3 things. Gambling, women and booze. It is the exact opposite of a chick flick. Think Leaving Las Vegas with more nudity, less Nicolas Cage and more violence. Of course it is less Elisabeth Shue too, so that sucks. She is one of my all time favorites. She should be on everyone’s all time favorite list. If she isn’t on your all time favorite list then you are a douchebag.

Well back to the movie. As suspected the “hero” of the movie ODs on some drugs and has a heart attack while giving someone a Keef Sanchez. Be sure not to miss hsilok in her big screen debut as The Queefer. El Pad pays good money to witness this, but then realizes that the action is at eye level and has second thoughts. It is the only time in the movie where he questions his reckless ways.

2 helmet stickers out of 5.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Happy Operation: Fuck Boston Day

I am awful on Centsports. I think I'm averaging about 20% correct at this point. I should stop trying the 4 & 5 teamers to try and win big, and focus on the baby steps. I really should be better at handling my fake money. No wonder why I'm in debt. Woe.

SUBWAY - All Day Saturday, April 25, 2009. Buy one, get one free. Buy a regular footlong sub and get another of equal or lesser price free. DET

Give this motherfucker the chair

Some Boston Marathon race or something today. I bet a Kenyan or Ethiopian wins it, with or without shoes.

Mize said he has to be rich to move from 'sconsin to AZ, even though he has nothing to move. Pecosian logic nerve* ceases to amaze me.

I think I could kick Chuck Liddell's as. at this point in his career. If you're reading this, Chuck, I challenge you to a fight. Do it.

I'm a little drunk.

Speaking of drunk, here is me at a charity golf tourney on Saturday. I busted out the lime green shirt for the occasion. I was drinking to help the kids.


Funny hsil story, but this might shatter tem's dreams. My buddy had a bbq at his house on Sunday, and a bunch of us went over there for some booze, food, and swimming. hsil was hammered. She was wearing a sun dress and she was stumbling around and someone lifted the dress up and so her as. was out a lot. But, she also has this "talent" that is a big hit at any party. She gets a few drinks in her, and she starts queefing. It's the most disgusting, most awesome, most hilarity thing I've ever seen. She will lay on the ground and just start letting them rip, on demand. She really should be on Howard Stern or something. She can do it whilst lying down, she'll stand up and do a karate kick and do it, she'll jump up and do the splits and let one rip. When she starts doing this, every person at the house gathers around in a circle to watch, and hilarity ensues. So last night, she starts doing it and there were only a couple of people there that had nerve* seen it before, and it's always great seeing the reactions of those people. Hsil even tried to explain to everyone how she does it, but it was just a rambling mess of incoherency that made everything that much funnier. Then one of the chicks there axed hsil if she could also squirt and she gave a ::blank slate::.

I guess that's all. I'm gonna go back to watching the WSOP for the 15th time.

Friday, April 17, 2009

NWO

Once Texas secedes we all predict that all other states will secede in order to not pay the staggering US debt. And since NY is the alpha male of this country it will beat and rape every other state and be the "leader" of the new free or not free world. I will be El Presedente. Today I will nominate my cabinet members, all of whom will be from LOV, because around El Pad everybody eats.

El Presedente : El Pad, I am the right man for the job. I promise to make 4 day work weeks, rid the world of fags, lesbians (fat butchy ones), illegals, russians and woman that don't like to suck dick. I will legalize prostitution and tax it. I will outlaw Chicago style pizza or casserole. I will not frown upon women who choose to go topless. I will buy all the Subway's and Olive Garden's and burn them to the ground. I will make healthcare affordable and give out free breast enhancement surgeries (deke I'll see what I can do about that field mouse penis of yours, hang in there tiny). And last but not least I will make David Chase and crew film the real ending to The Sopranos.

Vice President, Rev : This is a figure head job so what better person to fill this role other than the guy with the biggest head anyone has ever seen. Part of your duties, if you accept of course, would be to oversee Philly Cheesesteaks (maybe abolishing everyone but Geno's) and turning the White House basement into a man lair. You are also responsible for gathering autographs from respected World Leaders, sports figures, actors and VIP's from around the world. Oh, one more thing, you have to wear that thing you wore at your wedding at all times.

I am changing the names of the cabinet positions. I can do that. This is in no order.

Referee : Zeke, you will be the country's referee. For any and all arguments you must be present and decide who is the winner. It's important that you add plenty of "IN DE FACE" remarks as well as "RHODE ISLAND IS SHOOK" gestures. You will also be responsible for appointing referee's for all of our sporting events right after you fornicate with Violet Palmer in a sold out Madison Square Garden. You are also the NCAA boss and can abolish the SEC if you wish. Unfortunately you do have a no quit clause in your contract.

Secretary of Semen : Beth, listen honey in my country a whore is a good thing so don't take this the wrong way. Basically you are a walking money shot. However you will be treated very well with numerous houses, cars, shopping sprees, jewels and straight cash sista'. Life will be good. All you have to do is be my sex slave (I'm not a bad looking guy ya know) and close international and domestic deals with the power of the pussy. It's a win-win situation. North Korea wants to make nukes. Send the SOS and a day later they reneg on that idea. It's a perfect system.

Director of Straight Cash : Tem, this is your spot. You are head of the "tax" dept. Tax is a dirty word so we call this Department of Straight Cash. I will tax cigarettes, properties, prostitution and various other things to subsidize government programs and create government surpluses that I can use to afford Beth. You are not allowed to tax liquor by the way. Also your in charge of dating websites and on the general counsel board of broken off engagements.

Honorary Keef As. : Keef, your the judge. You will reside over all major crime cases and all major civil cases. You are also police chief of the Bnewer York Grammar Police Dept. Completely unrelated but you are also the de facto commissioner of the Keef Sanchez club. An organization that strives to show people the various off color sexual techniques. Makes us proud!

Dept of Tobacco and Liquors : Deke, you have nothing to do here. Tobacco and Liquor sells itself. You will however be resonsible for issuing/revoking fishing licenses and keep all the man-made lakes stocked with fish. That's only two things so hopefully you'll focus on them daily and knock it out the park. I'm kind of gonna need you to tone the gay down though. Being as I abolished gay from Bnewer York. Thanks in advance brother.

Director of Porn : Spiff, a job we all feel you have been striving for since you first found out you could make yourself ejaculate. Out of all the cabinet posts this one feels 100% right. Make us proud. Oh, also gonna need you to run the Competitive Food Eating circuit. And think of diabolical events like how many Big Macs can you eat within 10 minutes while a camain alligator bites your nipples. Random but I imagine it would get huge ratings on a pay-per-view which we can straight cash.

Statboy : Freak, you've filled this role on LOV before. Gonna need you to do it for your new country. You can even re-name it the Freak Sports Bereau. I'm going to also ask that you become leader of the religions and calendars. Since you know about presbyterian's and passover dates.

Commissioner : Blue, since you always seem to perform well in fantasy leagues I need you to be fantasy commissioner for every league in the Bnewer York. Yes it seems like alot but you can handle that. I also would like you to put into print PAC 10 Poon Magazine. And your in charge of Idaho. Which will be used as a Retard Tent City. Steve is going to work under you, he's the smartest retard (You are not a retard). Your also going to be sitting in on all my firings. Thanks.

General Jug : Jug, your my general. Kick ass now and take names later. You are in charge of the military and space exploration which I re-named to JASA. Since you invented it. Your also in charge of organizing Yogging Marathons and country line dancing tournaments (which we will tax the cover charge).

Dept of Family Affairs : Kod, this is you. Need you to cut the divorce rate, stop domestic violence, prosecute immigrants marrying citizens to obtain citizenship, offer counsel to families that can't afford it and stop incest down south. Listen on a sour note I'm getting rid of the Coors Brewing company because the beer is not up to my standards. So your gonna have to man up and drink some real beer. Apologies in advance. Let's talk about it over some quality brews and a lysol bong.

Missing Persons Bureau : I'm putting Stiggy in charge of this. And Who Cares. MVN will have a dual role, first he's a karate instructor then a part of the Missing Persons Bureau.

Musical Director : IAM, please. You can stay based in Nashville if you wish, as long as your banging some talent and playing guitar. I'm also making you GM of the Detroit Lions, we need them to be a good football team for a change.

NBA Commissioner : T, your job. Your also in charge of Apple computers because Steve Jobs will die soon. Going to need you sit in for IAM when he's busy touring and writing muscials. In addition, kind of going to need you to be the Surgeon General because you might be the smartest guy on LOV other than myself of course. Fix the hospitals or something.

Dept of Transportation : H, and please since Boston doesnt exist anymore no war stories of the Celtics, Red Sawx or Patriots. Just drive. Your also the resident creditor specialist. Also leader of the Rockband/Guitar Hero nerds.

Gatekeeper : Todd Packer, please accept this position. Basically you are to prep old people to die. Work them through thier finances, write will's and make sure they are comfortable. Now since you are an elder man yourself you need to make sure you don't die on the job. Please be careful.

Bnewer York! The New World Order!

VIVA!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

2009 NBA Playoff Preview.

Comments Link

East:
#1 Cleveland vs. #8 Detroit
Ok, so, three years ago, these teams met in the Eastern Conference Semifinals. The Cavs were a four seed and Detroit was the number one team in the East. Now, Detroit is the #8 seed. How you can go from first place to barely clinging to a playoff spot in three years is mindbottling.

Joe Dumars is in the process of blowing the team up, and I really think this series is going to accelerate that process, mainly because it's not going to end well for De-triot Basket-ball. It doesn't help that these two teams have been rivals for the last couple of years, and I think that LeBron and company are salivating at the opportunity to stomp a mud-hole in the Pistons. Detroit is going to get exposed as team consisting of a couple of overpaid and declining veterans (Sheed and Richard Hamilton), a solid player that will never be a star (Tayshaun) and a ton of young talent (Stuckey, Maxiell and the rest of the crew). Iverson is shut down for the rest of the year, and McDyess has played A LOT of minutes this year. Oh, and, Kwame Brown is getting a lot of run lately, mainly because they've run out of warm bodies to put in the middle. Yikes. They are a mess.

It is shocking to me that Cleveland was just one back-court player away this whole time. But that's what Mo Williams has done. I think he's even helped Delonte West become a much better player, and what's really shocking is that the LeBron/Mo Will/Delonte West combo is actually turning out to be pretty dominate. Crazy, I know, but this is essentially the same team that went to the Finals two years ago with a backcourt of Sasha Pavlovic and Larry Hughes, so their current rotation I just mentioned is a huge upgrade. Ilgauskas and Sideshow Bob also are very efficient, they do their jobs, and they don't complain. It's a very interesting, but very good starting five.

The Cavs weakness is their bench. Joe Smith, some rookie named Darnell Jackson, Wally Szcerbiak, the aforementioned Sasha Pavlovic and Daniel Gibson don't exactly inspire fear in the opposing team. Ben Wallace is back, but Darnell Jackson had to start a couple of games when Varejao was out with a bruised wrist. If there's a major injury to one of their starters, it could derail this team rather quickly. With that said, I still think they make it to the FInals.

Cavs in four or five.

#2 Boston vs. #7 Philadelphia
Hey Philly, thanks for comin' out. They actually look like a promising young squad, but they've got a couple of problems. One of them is Elton Brand; they were actually a better team once he was declared out for the season. So, while they need his post production to go against teams like Boston, he also is a giant vacuum and I think that hurts the rest of the team. They've also had a bunch of bad luck. Brand played 29 games. Thaddeus Young was ON FIRE until he went down with a bone bruise. He was back the other night and they are definitely a much more interesting team with him, but they're one or two more pieces/seasons away from taking out one of the top dogs in the East.

A perfect example was their game against Boston Tuesday night. The Celtics were without KG, and the Sixers led for most of the game but somehow managed to lose their lead and even had a chance at the end to win it, but they pretty much snatched defeat out of the jaws of victory. Making the playoffs will help them, they just need time and another piece or two and then I think they can be one of the elite teams in the East.

On the other side, the Celtics are looking creaky, man. KG isn't 100%. You got Ray Allen and Paul Pierce looking pretty tired, they each look like they're a pulled hammy just waiting to happen. Then you've got Starbury on the end of the bench. Yikes. I honestly think there's an implosion ready to happen, and I'm not saying this because I hate Boston; they just don't look good. They will win this series, but Orlando is looming in the second round, and I think the Magic will push them to the limit. Even if they make it out of that series, I think they're going to be too tired and too beat up to be competitive against the Cavs.

KG is the real key, they need him to play big minutes and be effective and it looks like he just can't do that this year. When your alternative is a dude named Big Baby who only seems to show up on Fridays, you're in big trouble (Look it up, he goes off every Friday. If Boston made it to the Finals and they only played the games on Fridays, he'd be Finals MVP).

Celtics could get in a little bit of trouble in this series, the Sixers don't have a whole lot of big bodies, but they have explosive guards and wing players, and if you look at the problems the Celtics had in Eastern Conference playoffs last year, those kinds of teams gave them fits. They'll make it out of this round, but they're going to run into a brick wall in the next round.

Celtics in six.

#3 Orlando vs. #6 Chicago
Yeah, Chicago is still a mess and it looks like they just don't have much of a chance here. Too much Dwight Howard. Too many three-pointers for the Magic. And the Bulls really don't have many answers for either of those.

Derek Rose has made an incredible impact; they were 12th in the East last year and won 33 games; they're 6th this year and won 41 games. The rest of the team is just a mess. Too many guys that have the same game that play similar roles, they really need to make another trade or two to solidify their roster. They've had some bad luck this year; Luol DANG! is pretty much out for the rest of the year unless they make the Finals somehow, and he's the guy they were originally building around. They've also gotta figure out what they're going to do with Ben Gordon for the second off-season in a row. This team is guard-heavy and their front-court (with the exception of John Salmons) is full of space-cases. Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas are just so inconsistent, neither can be trusted to hold up their end. They need post help and I really don't know how they're going to get it without trading for it.

Looking past this matchup, Orlando has played the tops dogs in the East very well, and they also have a very good record against the West. I don't see them advancing to the Finals this year, but it's something to keep in mind for the next few seasons. They could be a threat to go to the FInals for the next couple of years, especially when teams like Boston and Detroit are declining. I really like their inside-out game, and Howard is just a monster. Look for him to breakout in this series especially, because the Bulls don't have anyone that can matchup with him.

Magic in four or five.

#4 Atlanta vs. #5 Miami
So, if you're Atlanta and I told you at the beginning of the year that you would finish the year as a 4th seed and have home-court advantage, you'd be pretty stoked, right? But then I bet you'd be pretty depressed when I told them that they'd have to play the Heat in the first round. Dwyane Tyrone Wade, Jr. is one of a handful of guys that can put a team on their shoulders and singlehandedly win a playoff series. And I think he does it in this one. The Hawks are still too young, they still don't quite know how to win even with an experienced Mike Bibby at the helm. The Heat are going to give them a heavy dose Wade and it is going to be overwhelming.

Just like the Pistons rapid decline, I think it's interesting that the Heat have bounced back so quickly. They have a healthy MVP-candidate in Wade, and he's pretty much the entire story here; they've got nice role players, but that's about it. Wade does most of the heavy lifting, with Jermaine O'Neal contributing a big shot here and there, but the rest of the squad is nothing to write home about. Beasley is off to a good start to his career and he is only going to get better, but they really need a third option for the future when O'Neal starts to break down. Somehow, they got it done during the season, and it really helped that they're in the East. They would be battling for the 8th spot in the West. They remind me of the Lakers from a 2005/2006; they've got one superstar, one good player, and a bunch of role players. They need to get another piece, pull a bench together and then they could be a threat.

I think this series is going to be back-and-forth. It's going to be exciting. Lots of close games. I think the home team wins three each and then Dwayne Wade goes off in Atlanta in Game Seven and the Heat move on.

Miami in Seven. Could be the best series in the first round.

West:
#1 Los Angeles vs. #8 Utah
The Lakers have run away with the conference. They're up big in the Western Conference standings. They are second in the league in wins. They're healthy. They've got guys coming back at the right time. They're poised for another run at the title.

BUT, they need to focus in the first round, because Utar plays them tough. For a first-round match-up, this is not a favorable one for the Lakers. I mean, the Jazz won 48 games; Detroit won 39. There's about a 10 game difference between the #8 seeds in each conference. So, I guess I'm saying that the West is still better, despite the fact that ESPN is trying to tell you that the East has caught up.

One Sidenote: I am disappointed that the Suns are not in the playoffs. Couldn't we have had a NCAA type of gimmick where the Jazz and the Suns have to play their way in? One game, neutral site, tonight or tomorrow or something. That would be awesome.

Anyways, the Lakers are rolling right now. They're finally healthy again and as good as the West is, I just don't see anyone that can challenge them. I mean, they finished 11 games ahead of Denver, and they played the last two or three months without their starting center. So, they're pretty good.

Utah is scrappy, but for some reason, they just haven't put it together this year. They've had injuries, but even when they've been fully healthy, they really haven't impressed. They'll get a game or two because they play well at home, but that's about it. They've got some work to do in the offseason.

These two teams played Tuesday night, in L.A., and Utah played them tough for about three quarters, but then they kind of just collapsed. I think that's how most of the games in this series will go; Utah will hang, but they'll get worn down by the time the fourth quarter comes around.

Los Angeles in five.

#2 Denver vs. #7 New Orleans
Man, the rest of these West match-ups have had a lot of movement. Things were finally settled last night and the Lakers/Jazz matchup was the only one that didn't change. Lots of interesting match-ups and I think the rest of these all go seven.

Denver is on a roll as of late, but man, has their schedule been soft for the last month. They basically played every non-playoff team, and then the #5, 7 and 8 seeds in the West. And last night's effort against Portland was pretty disappointing. They got steamrolled. I think they're soft and they've benefited from a great schedule, but they've pretty much been in the second spot for most of the season, so they might be legit, who knows. That Chauncey Billups trade really paid off, he's the main reason they've turned this all around. I watched a game over the weekend and they said that George Karl loves Chauncey because they run actual plays now. He said that since he's been there as a coach, this is the first time that they've run regular plays. Yeah. Pretty amazing.

Billups has also helped with their defensive intensity; they actually play something resembling defense now. They're going to have their hands full with the Hornets though, they can really get up and down. I think this is going to be an exciting series. They split the season series and each team won a game on the other's home-court. So it's going to be a good one. The point guard matchup is going to be great, and both teams matchup well in pretty much every other position. I think it's going to come down to two things: which team's stars are going to dominate, and which role players are going to step up.

Somehow, someway, I think Denver pulls this off, But it's going to be close.

Denver in seven.

#3 San Antonio vs. #6 Dallas
This is going to be an interesting series. Manu is done for the season, that's the main headline. Dallas...they've had a really weird season. I don't know what their problem is or how they fix it. They've got a strange roster and their personnel doesn't really fit the kind of style they want to play. As a result, they can go through scoring droughts and they can look like a monkey fucking a football out there sometimes when they're trying to score.

Dallas has a couple of things going for them though. I already mentioned that San Antonio is hobbled, but I caught most of Dallas' game last night, and it's encouraging how they came back from a deficit and then just started dominating. I can see them doing the same thing to the Spurs in this series. They're not going to go any further, but I think they've got one round in them.

Fin-dogg saved the Spurs ass last night, but without Manu, he's going to have to do that every game, and I just don't think the Spurs have the depth. Tony Parker will have a good series, he's picked it up since Manu has been out, but Duncan seems content to just playing like he normally does. It's nice to have that stability, but when one of your stars is out, you've gotta pick it up. Maybe he's coasting to the playoffs, but I think they're tired and they don't have the personnel to go very far this year. I think Dallas barely scrapes this out.

Dallas in seven.

#4 Portland vs. #5 Houston
These two teams have had the most movement. Portland was as low as sixth a week ago, and Houston was as high as third just yesterday. Crazy.

This is a very interesting matchup. The Rockets were handled at Dallas last night; not really the way you want to end the season. Portland blew out the Nuggs at home and they look ready for the playoffs. They really don't have a whole lot to lose here, they're young and I don't think a whole lot of people are picking them to win. I liked their chances a whole lot better when they were matched up against a hobbled San Antonio; this Rockets team will give them some problems.

Both teams matchup very well, I think Portland has the deeper squad, and they have more firepower coming off of the bench. I think the second squad, anchored by Rudy Fernandez and Travis Outlaw, is where the Blazers can make something happen. Their starting five isn't bad either, but those two guys coming off of the bench just give them a great advantage.

I think the ghost of Tracy McGrady comes back to haunt the Rockets and they lose in a game seven in Portland.

Portland in seven.

Semis:
Cleveland vs. Miami. Too much LeBron and company, Cavs in Five.

Boston vs. Orlando. Man, this is going to be a good series. I really want the Magic to win. Magic in six.

Los Angeles vs. Portland. This is not going to be a walk in the park for the Lakers. The Blazers play them tough. Lakers in six. But a tough six.

Denver vs. Dallas. Dallas' luck runs out. Denver in six.

Conference Finals:
Cleveland vs. Orlando. The Magic are too young. They've go the future to look forward to. The Cavs need to win now. It will be a good series, but Cavs in six.

Los Angeles vs. Denver.
Yeah, I know, these are boring picks, but when you play seven games each round, it's really hard to have an upset. Lakers take care of business and show Denver that they may be a second seed, but they're still miles away from the top spot. Lakers in five.

Finals:
Los Angeles vs. Cleveland. The Cavs have home court, but their one loss at home was against the Lakers. I like this matchup though, it's going to be great seeing Kobe and LeBron going at each other. It comes down the supporting casts, and I think the Lakers are just a little better. This could go seven, but I think the Lakers in six.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A Freaktastic Post.

Here is a video in which former NBA "Legend", Scot Pollard, challenges Cheryl Miller to a game of one-on-one. It's a little long, but it's quite entertaining to here* them verbally spar a bit:



I read about the 24 Hours of LeMons in ESPN The Mag and I'm trying to get a team together to go do it. They do a 24 hour race in Toledo but one of the big restrictions is, your car can't cost more than $500 (that does not include safety equipment). So, you pretty much have to buy a Fiero or a Dodge Neon with 265,000 miles on it and hope it holds up. It looks like a lot of fun. Here's a video of a race from a hood mounted cam:



World's Saddest Videos; my favorite part is at about the :55 mark where, "Whoops, someone kicked this homeless man's change all over the street":



Another College Humor Video; dude gets $500 from the President of the company but has to do a series of challenges. They include: getting his hair corn-rowed. Getting his chest waxed. Getting one hand handcuffed to a chair while getting a pie to the face every 15 minutes. The Pie face montage is pretty entertaining:



And finally, for the '80s song of the week, it's Mirror In The Bathroom, but the English Beat (hint: it's a song about doing coke):



NBA Playoff Preview will be posted tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm the worse

I forgot I had a 9am meeting. Oops.

Harry Kalas was old, now he is dead. Woe.

I am a rat bastard.

What if I don't write any more than this?


And now I am editing the post. At the confusing request of our very own Beth.

I just noticed the tag, very funny whoever did it, I am leaving it. It is true, I have little to offer.

So the local NHL team has made the playoffs. They play the Red Wings. The town is really excited, except they know nothing about playoff hockey. I've been asked at least 10 times if it is a 1 game series, a 3 game, 5, 7 game series, the people here don't know. They ask what happens in event of a tie, they ask all sorts of dumb questions...I can't wait for football season. At least then the questions aren't dumb. I'm going to try to score a couple seats to game 2 in the box. I doubt I will be able to. Maybe if I walk around the office topless I'll get the tickets...you know they'll say they will give me the tickets if I just put my shirt back on.

So I think editing is fucking up blogger...let's get to the movie review.


Movie Review:

The Soloist


This movie is about a chronic masterbater. Sadly it is about a dude, but I hear they are thinking of making a sequel called The Soloist 2: This time it's a chick. I think the sequel will be better than this one.

In any case this movie follows the life of Dan, a chronic masterbater. He is always whacking off. Seriously all the time. Most of the movie centers around him getting busted in the act. That is mostly hilarity. Getting busted in his office, getting busted on the bus, getting busted in the movies with some chick. It gets sad near the end though because he could be banging this chick, but he just decides he can do it better himself and kicks her to the curb. Tough one for her because she put the time in to deal with his "disease" and in the end the disease is what got her kicked to the curb.

Probably a lesson to us all, don't date a chronic masterbater.

1.5 helmet stickers out of 5.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Sleepy

I fell asleep early tonight and just woke up to write this. Like, I literally just woke up from a deep sleep, realized that I forgot to post something, went through a back and forth "should I do it now or wake up early in the morning to do it", and decided to write it now. Does LoV play too big of a role in my life? Probably. Do I care too much about that right now? Probably not. I love this place. Everyone here is good people. That was a big (NS) right there. (NS)

The Masters on Sunday was pretty HDH. Big charges by Phil and Tiger fell short. I would have loved to have been in that gallery following that group. They probably had at least 75% of the fans following them. And it's hard to say that Phil "choked" because he shot a 67 on Sunday, but hitting into the water on 12 and then missing basically gimme eagle and birdie putts brought back memories of the "old" Phil when he's paired with Tiger. I was rooting for Perry to win, though. But he did choke, and the only guy in the top 10 that I didn't want to see win, won. Oh well.

This goddman pirate story is also HDH. Navy Seals, bitches! USA is the better. Hey pirates, how's our as. taste? Thanks Obama!

1 week into the MLB season and Boston is in last. Operation Fuck Boston is still going strong.

That's all I've got, I'm really tired. Happy day after Easter, everyone. I hope you all got plenty of candy in your Easter baskets.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Fatigued

Everytime I see the Shamwow commercial I think of bloddy sheets and used condoms.

Notice the collection of whitey's on Boston. I think they have more asians than latins.

Who invented baseball? What about football? Wiki must know.

Greg Norman bangs Chris Everett? The dude from that Rome clip (1994?)

Augusta has nice grass.

Baseball just feels right.

Lakers will win the title. Sorry to steal your thunder Blue/T.

Why do old men wear suits just to walk around?

Giants going to get Braylon Edwards. For real.

Yanks are on the board, the world will not end.

Bengals should sign Plax. They appreciate his work off the field.

NFL Mock draft next Friday.

Weekend Advice : In honour of beisbol, Cracker Jacks and American Beer.

Happy Easter Scrotum Heads

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Rambling Stamblings

Baseball! I'm really liking the MLB Extra Innings preview. Too bad it's worthless for the games I actually want to see. If the season ended today, Baltimore, Toronto and Florida would all make the playoffs. Cubs magic number: 160.

I know most of you aren't ever awake to watch, but I really like the way Carson Daly's show is heading. Music heavy, no monologue, casual interviews. It's really turning into a solid show. I can see why he turned down a move up to Conan's old spot. I don't think he'd work very well in the traditional talk show mold (as evidenced by his first few years).

Commentary on below commercial


Turn your speakers up all the way and wait for 1:26. Yay spiffs.

Now rewatch that, this time inserting the words, "I am asian" for every line. Makes me laugh every time.



I'm sure there's more to talk about.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

You Better Run, You Better Take Cover.

Ok, so, the '80s song that I wanted to post can't be embedded, so I guess I'm going to have to link to it. It's not from a movie or anything, it's just straight up '80s awesomeness. Walk the Dinosaur, by Was (Not Was). Yeah, that's right, open the door, get on the floor, everyone walk the dinosaur.

Now, onto a video that I can embed. Down Under, by Men At Work. Don't act like you don't like this song, it's a classic, AND it contains the greatest flute solo in the history of rock music:



This next video was lifted from the Yahoo! NBA Blog, Ball Don't Lie, because it is funny as hell:



"Watch machine beauty hair flow. In slo-mo. Jesus Shuttlesworth, you like Machine?"

So, this Blake Griffin kid thinks he's got a future in the pros. I cannot wait until the draft, because, as I said the other night, I really want to know who effs up and takes Tyler Hansbrough. I'm telling you, I've got money on the Bobcats with their first pick.

Does Troy Aikman have like a blog or something? Cuz every time there's news involving the Cowboys, the Associated Press runs a story about Aikman's thoughts on the matter. The latest is that cutting TO was ok, and that Roy Williams needs to step up. Really Troy? Ya think? Thanks for the insight, Captain Obvious. Anything else you feel you need to say? Like, the sun will rise in the East tomorrow morning? Why don't you sit the next few out, Troy. Thanks, but, no thanks.

Jordan's kid decides to go to some College in Florida. But not one with a bigtime rep, like the Gators, or even Miami. Nope, he's gonna go to the University of Central Florida. What? They're saying he's going to transfer after a year if he plays well. Why is ESPN all over this story? I know he's the son of one of the greatest basketball players to ever live, but seriously, he signed with UCF, who cares?

Felipe Lopez hit two home runs in his first two at-bats for the Dbags. I'm just sayin'. I AM JUST SAYING.

You too can own a wax statue of Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Joe Montana, Mike Tyson, Muhammad Ali, Mark McGwire or Hulk Hogan, if you're willing to bid enough. I have been contacted by the Rev and will serve as his agent at the auction. He has authorized me to go as high as $35k for the statue of Hulkster. We'll see what happens.

That's all I've got, next week be on the lookout for the Drunken NBA Playoff Preview. I gotta make a trip to Bevmo this weekend and start writing. It will be fan-tastic.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Rev Was 20 posts ago, did we mention it?

And we are off. Let's get right into talking about the title game last night. If you want some good recap stuff I recommend reading the comments at the end of the last post. The last 200 or so comments are good stuff. I have a couple comments though:

1) General perception seemed to be that the refs were in Mich State's favor, I disagree. I thought that almost every time Mich State got a little run going the refs took them out of it with a stupid foul call. At least an inconsistent foul call or a non call. Sometimes the refs were letting them play, then other times they weren't. UNC got a lot of good calls to end runs.

2) I was watching with people who kept calling Mich State, just Michigan. This bothered me a lot. I don't know why.

3) I convinced at least 3 people that TH is a douche based on the premise that you can tell by just looking at him.

4) The announcers were bad as always.

5) I thought Roy Williams had pink eye in his pre game interview.

Baseball talk real quick:

I didn't watch any games, it is too cold for baseball, it was freaking snowing on my way to work today. Not a lot of snow, and it isn't going to accumulate, but still, snow. I did notice the Pirates won, which means they are 1 game over .500. I think this is the latest in a season they have been 1 game over .500 since 1989.

Alright, I was going to talk about my dual layer dream, but nobody cares. That's what my fortune cookie said at the chinese buffet. It said "nobody cares about your dreams." So I'll just do a movie review:

17 Again

This is just a disturbing movie. I think someone watched Big or one of those other take a kid and put them in a big person's body and said "hey let's do that but backwards." Then someone told them that had already been done, so they said "well what if we took an old pedophile and made him 17 again, that way he could legally nail little kids." And then some other movie exec said "brilliant!" Hollywood is full of sick fucks.

So yes, yes indeed this movie is about a dirty old pedophile who may or may not be a catholic priest, you can decide that. He somehow gets his hands on a magic crystal that turns him into a 17yr old again. So he becomes this 17yr old kid and goes back to nailing minors. But he is a minor too, so the cops can't do anything. Of course there is one cop, played by Danny Glover because he is no chump cop like he was in Saw, who figures out what happened. Of course nobody believes him, so he's gotta prove it himself.

Whilst Danny is trying to prove the crime time goes on and the pedophile just keeps adding notches to his belt. He is nailing little boys left and right and just having a good old time. This movie is disturbing, did I say that? So Danny spends all this time and can't figure out how to prove that a pedophile found a crystal and turned himself into a 17yr old. But good news for Danny, 1 year passes and the dude turns 18, rapes a boy, gets busted and goes to real jail where he gets raped a lot. Poetic justice I guess. By the by this was in a state where 17yr olds don't get tried as adults, ever.

At the end of the movie Danny throws out the line "well buddy you should have wished you were 16 again, dumbass." Fade to black.

3 helmet stickers out of 5 just for the last line. It would have been more but this movie was disturbing, don't let anyone see it.

Monday, April 06, 2009

2009 NL Season Preview

This preview will be more legit than EP’s AL preview. I won’t have teams from the same division playing in the Division Series.

NL East
Mess (98-64) - I’m not proud of this. But it’s their time. They fixed their biggest weakness, the bullpen. And they don’t have to think about their manager being fired all year.
Marlins (86-76) - Young, good talent. They have some good arms, Hanley & Uggla is one of the top double-play combos in the bigs. They just aren’t ready for the playoffs yet.
Phillies (82-80) - Sorry, Rev, you’ll just have to be happy with 2008. Bad pitching, good hitting.
Braves (77-85) - Good pitching, real bad hitting. At least they’re not the team below.
Nationals (71-91) - Good God, what happened to this team. Remember when they were going to win the World Series in ’94? That was fun.

Thoughts on the NL East: I really didn’t want to have to pick the Mess. But I want this to be a legit preview with no bias. The Mess are solid, save for 1 or 2 spots in the rotation. But they can throw anyone in that #5 spot and they’ll be better off than with anything they had in the ‘pen last year. Right now fatty Livan is the #5 guy, but they have a couple of young guys (Holt, Niese) who could end up there before the All-Star break. The hitting lineup is obviously the strength of this team. And they have to be happy to not have to hit in Shea anymore. Expect big numbers from Wright & Beltran this year.
Marlins are obviously real young, but they have loads of talent. Hanley is going to love moving from leadoff to the 3 spot in the lineup. The one problem that this team has is that they have a lot of guys who get hurt too much, especially pitchers. I don’t think they have enough depth to be able to overcome that. But if they can get some consistency at the top of the order, they will be able to put up a lot of runs with Hanley, Cantu, & Uggla in the middle of the order. Biggest question mark on this team is the bullpen. Phillies and Braves are going to struggle to compete for the division this season. Hamels’ elbow could be a factor this season. And if it is, the rest of the rotation consists of Brett Myers, Jamie Moyer, Joe Blanton, and Chan Ho Park. Fucking gross. They will need to score 1200 runs with that group of retards. Atlanta has the opposite problem that Philly has. Their rotation is alright, it’s their lineup that is not real impressive. Lowe & Vazquez aren’t true aces, but in a pitcher’s park they can each win 15 games with a sub-4 ERA. The Nationals are just truly terrible. They probably won’t compete for a while. They have some good young guys in the lineup, but their rotation and bullpen are hot garbage. Bottom line: The Mess have 2 years of choking in September on their minds. Now that they have better talent in the bullpen, they should be able to close it out this year. I hope the Marlins can stay in the race at least until late August. If so, they can maybe give the Mess a little scare.

NL Central
Cubs (100-62) - One of the top 3 teams in baseball, talent wise. But curses can be a bitch, you.
Cardinals (91-71) - Playoff berth rests on the elbow/shoulder of Chris Carpenter
Reds (80-82) - They’re gonna be neck and neck with the Brewers for 3rd this year. I only put them ahead of Milwaukee because I have a bet with mize.
Brewers (79-83) - Is Braun’s oblique going to be a problem his whole career?
Astros (70-92) - Their best pitcher pitched in the WBC. And Mike Hampton is the #3 starter. Nuf ced.
Pirates (68-94) - Terrible team. Terrible city. Terrible uniforms.

Thoughts on the NL Central: This year is the Cubs’ year. 101 years of futility, gone. Hahahaha, I keed. I just wanted to see what that sounded like. I like this roster, though. And I’m a big fan of Piniella. The lineup improved a little with the addition of Bradley, if he can stay healthy enough to play at least 2/3 of the season (AHIIK). The rotation is probably as deep as any in the NL. And the switch from Wood to Gregg is basically a wash, except the fact that Wood was loved in Chi-town. But they were smart not to give him $10mm for a year. I have the Cards in 2nd based strictly on the fact that I think that Carpenter stays healthy the whole year. If he doesn’t they could drop down a little. They have a solid 1-5 in the lineup. And Greene will be a minor upgrade at SS. The rotation is led by Carpenter, and has 4 guys who could win 13-14 games. Having a rookie in the closer’s role is a little scary. Reds & Brewers will fight for 3rd. I don’t like the Brewers rotation at all, sans Yovani. And their closers are Villanueva and Hoffman. If I spoke Spanish, I might understand. Brewers have a better lineup than Cincy, though. But we all know that good pitching is better to have than good hitting. Astros and Pirates will be in a dog fight to stay out of the cellar. I don’t even like thinking about either of these teams because I hate the taste of vomit. Bottom line: This division belongs to Chicago right now. St. Louis will take the Wild Card spot, but the rest of the division is pretty weak. If Carpenter gets hurt, though, Chicago could win this division by 20 games.

NL West
Giants (83-79) - This is my surprise pick. Every year one team has to step up and perform above their heads. Last year it was Tampa. This year it’s the Giants.
Dodgers (82-80 - Martin, Manny, Kemp. Mucho bueno.
Dbags (78-84) - Webb & Haren can't carry them. Especially with that terrible bullpen.
Rockies (73-89) - Todd Helton is still alive? Who knew that the strength of the Rockies could ever be their starting pitching?
Padres (71-91) - Hey, at least they live in San Diego.

Thoughts on the NL West: This is probably the worst division in baseball, again. I like San Fran to surprise some people this year. They have some young guys in the rotation, and they will get to work with the Big Unit for a full season. He’ll take all the pressure off of them with his quest to win #300 early in the year. I know he’ll get hurt at some point, but he’ll be a good influence on those guys.
(Side note): Speaking of 300 wins, Randy Johnson might be the last guy we ever see win 300. The next closest active pitcher is Jamie Moyer with 246. CC Sabathia is the only pitcher under 30 with more than 100 wins (117). Just thought that was interesting.
Back to the preview…Giants have some good young hitters, and Renteria will be a bit of an upgrade over Vizquel. Sandoval is going to rake this year. I’d have the Dodgers winning this division if they had better pitching. Billingsley is solid, but has had some groin problems this spring. Kuroda is just ok, and I think Kershaw needs another year. They have one of the top 3-4-5 trios in baseball, though. Dbacks are probably a year away. They have probably the top 1-2 punch in baseball with Webb/Haren. But the rest of the rotation isn’t much, especially with Scherzer starting the season on the DL. I don’t think this year will be Upton’s breakout year, but he’ll take step forward from last year. Rockies & Padres will battle for the 4/5 spots. Neither team has anything worth talking about.

Hardware

NL MVP: Albert Pujols (boring, I know)
NL Cy Young: Tim Lincecum
NL ROY: Cameron Maybin

How it will go down

NLDS: Mess over Cards, Cubs over Giants
NLCS: Mess over Cubs
WS: Mess over Twins

Let the insufferableness begin…

Friday, April 03, 2009

El Pad's 2009 Baseball Preview "The Designated Hitter Version"

AL East
Yankees (92-70) - Gonna be suite seeing the Twinkies end the Yanks season in their last game played in the baggie dome.
Tampa Bay Rays (90-72) - Unlike drinkability, the Rays need sustainabilty.
Red Sox (90-72) - Operation Fuck Boston still in play, they lose a one game playoff to Tampa.
Orioles (78-84) - All Matt Wieters, all the time.
Blue Jays (66-96) - Contract them. No U.S. sport should have a home in North France.

Thoughts on the AL East: Tampa didn't fold last year. At all. But they were the little engine that could all year. House money if you will. Now they are expected to win. We all know how that normally turns out right? Enter the Yankees. The team everyone loves to hate. The big spenders, the superduper stars, the new stadium, the scandals, the tabloids, the yankees. Wang won what, 19 games in 07, was what 6-1 with 4 no-decisions in between and won more games quicker (50 wins in 85 starts) than a dude named Doc Gooden. He's back with two big ticket FA's signings in Carsten Charles and A.J. Burnett. Joba has 4 A+ pitches. He should win 10+ games at that back end. Petitte returns to anchor the staff and despite his 4.5+ ERA last year he performs well when needed the most. I think the Yankee staff is better than Boston's because of the 2 end starters. After Dice K you have Wakefield I mean just shoot him already and Penny/Masterson/Smoltz is talking in riddles to me. Tampa's staff is solid, can't really knock it although other than Shields they could use some inning eaters to prevent the bullpen from throwing 1000 innings again. They are a bit young too, someone smells like a Tommy John in that group. Not sure which one. The pens across the board are good. Wheeler still looks exhausted, Red Sox have a strong pen but the Yanks have a few surprises out there that I know will be an upgrade from last year. Jose Veras going to get a shit load of holds and Mariano is still throwing one nasty pitch to get everyone out.

All three lineups are going to mash. Were talking about three excellent teams here. And no I'm not ignoring the fact that Brett Gardner is the starting CF and is flanked by Nady and Damon. I'm just hoping for the best on that one. Like a Hail Mary. Boston's lineup is always dangerous, and throw in 100 steals from this Ellsbury kid who will be playing everyday and were talking maybe the league lead in runs. I would pick them to win but operation fuck Boston has been in effect since week one in the NFL and I'm not one to go running into a Tsunami so something will de-rail Boston. Not sure what but something will leave them on the outside looking in. Bottom line : Listen I have three teams winning 90 or more, these teams are very good. They all get to play Baltimore and Toronto 19 times a piece. I'm hesitant to crown Tampa again for fear they will finally shit their pants and I can't pick Boston because karma is having way too much fun with that one. Yankees win the division.

AL Central
Twins (89-73) - Young, fast, defense.
White Sox (84-78) - Best bullpen in the division.
Indians (81-81) - Wonder if they found Hafner yet.
Royals (79-83) - Better, almost.
Tigers (72-90) - Leyland can't coach underachievers, good chance he resigns mid-season.

Thoughts on the AL Central: Pitching and defense. Two things the 2009 Twins I think will do better than anyone in the American League. Last year they shocked not surprised us when they competed for the playoffs, and even though they lost the one game playoff they pushed across several nice looking studs. Studs that will now have a full time role. And if Crede can stay in the lineup he will have a shitload of RBI's. Liriano is going to be a Cy Young candidate, you watch. The White Sox have some talent too but may be a year or two behind. Gardenhire, to me, is a great coach. Better than the explosive Guillen and the Indians bullpen scares the shit out of me and the lineup is still dependent on whether or not Hafner is still playing baseball. The White Sox have the strongest bullpen in the division, by far. Royals will be better as their kids will grow but still they are still a easy W, especially in the baggie dome (last year) or US Cellular. Tigers off-season was perplexing to say the least. They finished last because of their pitching yet they head into the season with the exact same staff (minus Dontrelle Willis, replaced by Edwin Jackson). So what am I missing. They'll be pretty last again. Leyland will quit because he's a quitter just like Parcells and all other cantankerous coaches who have massive egos and only coach their own "type" players. And that's all I have to say about that. Bottom line : With the way the Twins play baseball, moving runners over, catching the ball, taking walks, stealing bases, solid pitching staff, I don't see how they don't win the division. Sexy pick is the Tigers and I'm not ignoring the lineup they have but the pitching still blows, the Tigers are nothing more than the Texas Rangers of the AL Central.

AL West

Angels (85-77) - Not a 90+ win ball club but I can't pick the A's anemic offense over the Angles superior pitching.
A's (83-79) -
Young pitching, but this could be the start of another run.
Rangers (80-82) -
Better, almost.
Mariners (70-92) -
Still re-building but not as bad.

Thoughts on the AL West: Angels division to lose. They might get a scare or two from the up and coming A's but something bad would have to happen to a couple of key players to not end up in 1st place by Game 162. The A's have a stable of young arms still developing but may be making major contributions this year. Holliday's away #'s from Coors Field numbers scare me but he's a run producer. Chris Davis may have more RBI's than Josh Hamilton. Texas's rotation, again, scary but they have crazy hitting. And they have good young pitching on the horizon. The Mariners, well, what can I say. They will be competitive but more times than none they will have a lower score than the other team. Bottom line : Too easy of a division, for now. I think the A's have special arms again. Just not yet. Every year I want to make that sexy Texas Ranger pick but just can't do it. Every pitcher would have to have a career year on that team for them to compete down the stretch. Won't happen.



Hardware
AL MVP : Grady Sizemore , CF (Indians)

AL Cy Young : Francisco Liriano, SP (Twins)

AL ROY : Elvis Andrus, SS (Texas)

How it will go down

ALDS, Yanks over Devil Rays

ALCS Twins over Angels

Twins over Yanks

Keef who's facing the Twins in the World Series?

Thursday, April 02, 2009

A post is a post is a post.

And this is a post.

Edit: Now with some pictures!

Start of second night


End of second night


Start of third night


End of fourth night

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

And I know I can't live without my radio.

Per El P's request (what you thought I didn't see that comment?), I give you, The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News, because seriously, who doesn't like The 'News?



I just want to open with this comment:

isiah thomas said...

"Donovan to UK, lock it up"

March 27, 2009 3:51 PM

The prophet has spoken.

The Celtics are shutting down Kevin Maurice Garnett for the rest of the season. That's the price you pay for selling your soul to the devil, KG. It sucks when he comes to settle the tab. I just wish Boston would get a harder match up in the first round. Currently, it's Philly. If I was the Hawks head coach, I would tank the remaining games in hopes of going from the fourth the the sixth seed so they would have another shot at taking out the Celtics. Because they're probably looking at an early exit in round one against the Heat. How are the Heat a fifth seed? If I write a playoff preview, I will address that phenomenon.

The Braves are going to extend Chipper through 2012? And it could be a $61 million contract. Wow. Just...wow.

Speaking of baseball, can Monday just hurry up and get here already?

For those of you scoring at home, this last weekend I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond once and Home Depot twice.

P.S. - This is my last post. I quit. Someone's going to have to stake my spot. I haven't been around a whole lot because of work and the move, so it's time to hang it up. I hate you guys anyway.

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"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino