Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Help Wanted

This is an excerpt from an actual resume recieved yesterday:

Dandy Dan's Gentlemen's Club
Performer
Persuaded Customers to purchase drinks and dances, along with up-selling higher-end drinks and buckets. I also provided an ear to listen to whatever the customer may want to discuss and helped sort through whatever the days problems may have been.


I wanted to interview her, the hiring manager for the position did not. HR lady thought we should bring her in anyway, just to meet her.

I caught the very end of that "V" show tonight on ABC...the pirate from Average Joe's gym is on that show. Good to see that pirates can still get work even with all the somalian ones ruining for everyone.

Ok, here is my chilis story I alluded to the other day. I'm a lot more calm about it now, and it seems a lot dumber, but so what.

So there we were having a lovely dinner at the local Chilis. I was having the buffalo chicken ranch sandwich. Typically it comes drenched in buffaro sauce, but tonight it only had an ounce of buffaro sauce (ns), so I was already pissed. Then they didn't cook cmblue's burger long enough so they were still pink in the middle...not a great thing for a preggo lady. Anyway, about that time a group sits down at the booth next to us. We are sharing a wall that seperates the tables. Some young chick sets her motorcycle helmet down on top of the wall. Not a big deal right, except that the helmet has a scary looking skull on it. Bgblue is at the age now where she's aware of things that are scary and has serious issues with weird items. For example, she's afraid of shadows, the moon, and triangles...so the skull freaked her out. She starts screaming crying saying "I don't like it, i don't like it". About that time the waitress comes by and asks what's wrong, I made a joke about her being pissed about the ounce of buffaro sauce on my sandwich. I then tell the waitress to please bring our check and that she's freaked out by the helmet, and we'll just go. Blue knows that bgblue will continue to be freaked out, so it's not worth fighting her about it. Well the waitress decides that she should go and ask the kid to move the helmet, unbeknownst to me. When she asks the kid, she goes ballistic and yells "well i'm not fucking moving it". Which of course makes bgblue even more upset. At this point, blue decides to it's time for him to leave, so he and bgblue get up and go so she'll stop crying. Cmblue is left behind to pay, like a good woman...well 20 minutes goes by and cmblue still hasn't come out yet..finally she comes out. Come to find out, as soon as I left, the teenage chick yelled at my wife "if you can't keep your kid under control, you shouldn't come to chilis anyway"...well that didn't sit too well, and supposedly the waitress had to keep cmblue from jumping this kid. But the waitress made sure we got our dessert to go. As we were walking to the car cmblue wanted to kick over the chick's motorcycle but I talked her out of it. In the end it was probably muchado about nothing, but that stupid waitress should have kept her nose out of the situation...but she still got a tip.

548 comments:

1 – 200 of 548   Newer›   Newest»
tem said...

just the tip?

Beth said...

"just the tip?"

Hilarity.

And never believe it when a guy says that (right kod?)

Beth said...

Good story though blue, I was afraid after making us wait it would turn out to be nothing, but that wasn't the case.

ToddPacker said...

the story would have been better if someone got punched

Beth said...

So awhile back I signed up for daily emails where there's supposed to be some good coupon about something. Normally I can just look at the subject line and decide if I'm interested. Well today's coupon subject line was "50% off facials". (NS)

My question is, why would I want 50% off something I can get for free...

Beth said...

the story would have been better if a homeless person got punched

*easy fix

ToddPacker said...

"For example, she's afraid of shadows, the moon, and triangles"

not sure how old bgblue is, but you might want to nip that fear stuff in the bud... sooner the better

tem said...

triangles be scary

tem said...

"My question is, why would I want 50% off something I can get for free..."

maybe they meant you had to do 50% of the "work" you usually have to do to get one.

tem said...

I think that the girl from Dandy Dan's definitely deserves a look.

tem said...

and not just because she was a stripper. because putting that on her resume means she is upfront about things, honest, and knows what her job is. she doesn't think she is there to dance and get guys off, she is there to sell dances and upcharge drinks. she gets the big picture, she is a team player. she'd be an asset to any team.

also she was a stripper.

tem said...

i don't want to frighten anyone, but i may have a morning run in me today.

tem said...

and not the type of run where i actually physically run

tem said...

running sucks, although i need to do some.

tem said...

need to drop some lbs

tem said...

getting fatter than normal.

ToddPacker said...

"I think that the girl from Dandy Dan's definitely deserves a look."


^^^^^^^^^^^^^

tem said...

i am getting past temfat and moving into some sort of other fat

tem said...

and i got to work at 8am today.

no clue why.

tem said...

maybe i should sleep less

tem said...

i only slept 7 hours or so instead of my usual 8+

Beth said...

"I think that the girl from Dandy Dan's definitely deserves a look."

But only if blue posted cellphone pics of her.

ToddPacker said...

"i am getting past temfat and moving into some sort of other fat"

revfat?

tem said...

maybe i sleep too much

tem said...

i'm not to revfat yet. wadr

Beth said...

"i am getting past temfat and moving into some sort of other fat"

What happened to the temdiet?

tem said...

"But only if blue posted cellphone pics of her."


he can tell her it is standard interviewing procedure.

Beth said...

"maybe they meant you had to do 50% of the "work" you usually have to do to get one."

Sitting there being a target really isn't much work.

tem said...

"What happened to the temdiet?"

you only do the temdiet for 1 or 2 weeks. then you go back to normal for a couple years. then you have to do the temdiet again.

it might be temdiet time again.

Beth said...

"he can tell her it is standard interviewing procedure"

Perfect.

tem said...

"Sitting there being a target really isn't much work."

i don't think i'd REoTF you unless you put some work into it first. i'm not going to do all the work while you just sit there.

Beth said...

Even if I was naked?

Tem is demanding. The temgagement makes more sense every day. wadr

tem said...

yeah even if you were naked.

tem said...

and if you just wouldn't do anything then i would definitely be smacking it off your face and other parts.

ToddPacker said...

"yeah even if you were naked."

what if grease 2 was on in the background

tem said...

that changes things i guess

Beth said...

"what if grease 2 was on in the background"

I don't think my ego could handle being second in sexual arousal to Grease 2.

tem said...

see, then you'd probably do something.

win win.

Beth said...

"see, then you'd probably do something"

Yeah, like leave.

tem said...

you can't quit me

Steve said...

married people are funny

Beth said...

"you can't quit me"

TWEFMTEMS

tem said...

hilarity

H said...

I'd be pissed about the Chili's thing too. People are just inconsiderate assholes. the waitress should have stayed out of it, but she was only trying to help it seems. How much effort would it have been for the biker bitch to move the helmet? Unbelievable.

tem said...

biker bitches suck

tem said...

bitches suck

tem said...

whores swallow

Steve said...

"biker bitch"


all that stroy and you never told us the most important detail.


was she hot?

Beth said...

"whores swallow"

You forgot the "wadr".

blue said...

of course she wasn't hot

blue said...

oh, and there was plenty of room on either side of the booth for her to set her helmet.

so it's not like it would have had to go on the floor.

blue said...

bgblue is ok with things she gets scared of as long as she can touch them.

I wasn't about to ask the dyke if she could touch her helmet

blue said...

which opens up the obligatory "penis" joke

Beth said...

"oh, and there was plenty of room on either side of the booth for her to set her helmet"

It sounds like she wanted everyone to see her helmet and see what a badass she was. So she's a biker bitch at least partly for the image apparently.

Keef said...

"not sure how old bgblue is, but you might want to nip that fear stuff in the bud... sooner the better"


Yeah. She might end up like tem w/ the microwaves

blue said...

oh well, chilis sucks anyway

Keef said...

blue should keep that Dandy Dan's resume in case bgblue needs it in 20 years. wadr

blue said...

i'm keeping it in case the hot receptionist moves up in the company

ToddPacker said...

i don't think it was dan's resume

Keef said...

Sosa says he has been using the cream for a long time, and combined with bright TV lights, it made his face look whiter than it really is. Sosa says he is not trying to look like late pop star Michael Jackson and is not suffering from any skin illness.



Blaming the lights is hilarity

El Padrino said...

blue you are a man of great restraint, once that chick popped off i woulda slapped that ho

/deke

El Padrino said...

THESE LIGHTS WILL INSPIRE YOU!

Steve said...

anybody who puts a skull on their bike helmet is an automatic doushe.

man, woman, she-man...doesn't matter.

ToddPacker said...

anybody who puts a blue devil their bike helmet is an automatic doushe.

*fixed

Steve said...

see the pic TP ----->

ToddPacker said...

"see the pic TP ----->"

i'm actually not that big of a duke hater, steve

ToddPacker said...

duke football is close to bowl eligible... sas

ToddPacker said...

tough schedule for duke to close the season... ga tech, da u and wake

ToddPacker said...

i think mike krzyewkqyxzckdiski was on mike & mike this am

ToddPacker said...

duke run

Beth said...

"duke football is close to bowl eligible... sas"

There was a big debate about this on the local sports talk the other day. Apparently it's not entirely clear if they need 1 or 2 more wins as 1 of their wins so far is over a team that's "division 1 provisional" or something like that.

ToddPacker said...

spurrier was probably the best duke football coach

Steve said...

yea. i learned a while ago not to invest too much in Duke football. I remember a few years back they were 8-0, everybody was pumped up. Then they played Flordia state and lost by like 40.

I think they are slowly (on a year by year basis) climbing out of the ACC gutter though.

Beth said...

"spurrier was probably the best duke football coach"

The same spurrier spiff apparently wants back as coach of the redskins.

ToddPacker said...

7-0 start

ToddPacker said...

"The same spurrier spiff apparently wants back as coach of the redskins"

if urb bailed in the next year or 2, i would not mind spurrier back at uf

El Padrino said...

bought in a dvd player, watching casino

ToddPacker said...

"bought in a dvd player, watching casino"

you should ask for a raise, ep

Beth said...

"if urb bailed in the next year or 2, i would not mind spurrier back at uf"

This is NS? I'm a bit surprised.

blue said...

cutliffe is at duke now right?

blue said...

eli ♥ cutliffe

Keef said...

Why would Urb leave FU?

ToddPacker said...

"Why would Urb leave FU?"

ND

Keef said...

ah

Keef said...

That would be the worse

ToddPacker said...

"This is NS? I'm a bit surprised."

ns

Keef said...

Can we start donotfireweis.com

Beth said...

"ND"

I think any coach doing well right now will have to answer questions about if they're interested in ND. There's talk around here about Paul Johnson and ND too.

ToddPacker said...

"Can we start donotfireweis.com"

i'm in

Keef said...

maybe blue can fund it

El Padrino said...

"you should ask for a raise, ep"

i'm in charge today, i've also had a hottie tottie and already done with my work, just have a call at 1230

it's a light day, only thing open is the market

blue said...

"I think any coach doing well right now will have to answer questions about if they're interested in ND."

Nick Saban

Keef said...

richrod

Beth said...

"i'm in charge today"

You keep telling yourself that Napoleon (and I don't mean Dynamite).

ToddPacker said...

richrod > chuck weis

Keef said...

gollum tolt us he was in charge

ToddPacker said...

shoot, bobby bowden > chuck weis

ToddPacker said...

"gollum tolt us he was in charge"

funny

El Padrino said...

nd is def a vanity job

ToddPacker said...

"it's a light day"

per Lov rules, no one should be doing any tps today

Jugdish said...

jug is off work today...no worries there

Beth said...

"per Lov rules, no one should be doing any tps today"

So I can get dressed then?

Jugdish said...

So I can get dressed then?


which yob should i stop?


/keef

Beth said...

If I stopped tps this place would fall apart!!!!

/mize

blue said...

speaking of getting dressed. I googled the stripper chick..and found her myspace page...she's not a looker...could use to lose a few.

I'm glad we're not interviewing her

ToddPacker said...

"which yob should i stop?


/keef"

funny... kod's line from AD was also funny... something about keith hanging out in the HD parking lot and trying to pick up landscaping jobs

El Padrino said...

"Mr. Muhammad maintains his innocence in this case, and he always has. He is not remorseful, although he does extend his condolences to the families. What these families went through is tragic in every level. Given the injustices in this case, what Mr. Muhammad went through is equally as tragic," said J. Wyndal Gordon, who was Muhammad's stand-by attorney in his Maryland trial, in which he represented himself.


w
f
t

El Padrino said...

"So I can get dressed then?"

hilarious

Beth said...

"kod's line from AD was also funny... something about keith hanging out in the HD parking lot and trying to pick up landscaping jobs"

Totally agree, it was hilarity.

blue said...

kod can bring the heat

Jugdish said...

but he's never seen a few good men

I want to be just like him said...

1) nice post freak

2) good story, any time you can have a confrontation in public it's a good day.

3) shoulda let your wife kick the bike over, have the car started and pointed in the right direction and pull up next to her so it's a kick and run.

4) nice post freak

I want to be just like him said...

There was a big debate about this on the local sports talk the other day. Apparently it's not entirely clear if they need 1 or 2 more wins as 1 of their wins so far is over a team that's "division 1 provisional" or something like that.


I think you can count 1 victory over a I-AA team towards bowl legibility* every other season. ns

I want to be just like him said...

you should interview the stripper and have her give her a lap dance and tell her it's part of making sure she's not lying on her resume.

I want to be just like him said...

Charlie Weis Resume
- Under .500 over the last 3 seasons
- Against teams with winning records: Weis 8-19 (.296) Faust 12-23 (.343) Willingham 12-15 (.444) Davie 18-22 (.450)
- 0 wins against teams finishing in the top 10 of any of the major polls.
- 0 wins over a team with less than 4 losses
- 1 (1-13) win against teams finishing in the Top 25
- Worst two year stretch in Notre Dame history (10-15)
- First coach to lose to Navy since 1963 (twice)
- First time in 73 years (the first year of polling) that an unranked Navy team defeated a ranked Notre Dame team
- Worst loss to a service academy in 44 years (blown out by Air Force)
- First coach in Notre Dame history to lose to an eight-loss team (Syracuse 2008)
- 0-5 against USC
- Average margin of defeat against USC: 19.8 ppg
- The worst loss to any SC team (38 points largest margin of victory in the 79-game history of rivalry)
- Losing records to Boston College: 1-2, Michigan: 2-3 and Michigan State: 2-3
- Losses by 20 points or more: 8
- More shutout losses: 3 (Boston College, USC, Michigan) in four years than Notre Dame had from 1965-2001
- First 9-loss season in school history
- First 0-4 start ever
- First 0-5 start ever
- Has lost to more teams that finished outside the top 50 (MSU 2007, Purdue 2007, GT 2007, Navy 2007, Syracuse 2008) than Willingham, Davie and Faust… combined (5-4)
- Last overall offense in the country in 2007
- Last overall in yards per play in 2007
- Last overall in yards per game in 2007
- Lowest average yardage in the history of Notre Dame football in 2007
- Worst rushing team in ND history in 2007
- Lost to Navy, USC and Michigan in the same year… twice
- Set an NCAA record (58) for most sacks allowed in a season in 2007
- Notre Dame finished 90th in the country in the 2007 Sagarin ratings… below Richmond, North Dakota State, Delaware, Navy, Florida Atlantic, James Madison and Wofford.
- 3-16 record since 2007 against teams that finished with a winning record
- Only coach in ND history to coach for five years and not score 50 points in a game (56 other teams topped 50 points during Weis’s tenure)
- Weis has given up 40+ points in a loss 6 times, 30+ in a loss 19 times
- Currently has the 84th ranked defense in the country
- Will miss the BCS three straight years
- No BCS wins in five years of coaching


rEtUrN tO gLoRy!11!!!!1!!!

ToddPacker said...

"but he's never seen a few good men"

a few good men = good tom cruise movie

top gun = pile of crap tom cruise movie

ToddPacker said...

"Charlie Weis Resume"

you left off that he’s consistently in the top 3 for coaches that look like they are being cut in half by their pants

Jugdish said...

you left off that he’s consistently in the top 3 for coaches that look like they are being cut in half by their pants



hilarity

Jugdish said...

Charlie Weis Resume


are you saying the ND yob might be open soon?


/keef

blue said...

"3) shoulda let your wife kick the bike over, have the car started and pointed in the right direction and pull up next to her so it's a kick and run."

we talked about it, and decided Karma is a bitch, and that dyke chick will get bad AIDS or something

Jugdish said...

we talked about it, and decided Karma is a bitch, and that dyke chick will get bad AIDS or something


good call. she sounds like a miserable bitch anyways. must be hell just being her

I want to be just like him said...

Karma is a bitch


great point, especially with the bun still in the oven.

blue said...

Pat Forde had a blurb about wiess in his column today.

something like he hasn't beaten a team that finished in the top 30 in the sagarin ratings since 2006.

Avg sagarin ratings of the teams they've beaten since he's been there is like 76 or something....he made a joke about ND being a powerhouse in Conference USA.

blue said...

Weiss has the exact same winnning % as ty willingham had at ND. (ns)

I want to be just like him said...

to top it off, I think Weis's buyout is 10$M

blue said...

but what's his graduation rate?

I want to be just like him said...

Muhammad's first wife, Carol Williams, showed a letter in which he asked her to visit him on his execution day. "Carol, I miss my family for the past eight years," he wrote, referring to the time he was incarcerated. "I don't want to be missed the day that these devils murder my innocent black ass."

they should have additional penalties after the first death. like a bullet to the head, then victims families get to kick you. or let them kick him before he dies.

Keef said...

"are you saying the ND yob might be open soon?


/keef"



Fuck ND

blue said...

Jug should buy this shirt.

i'm thinking about getting one myself

Keef said...

strawberry milk is the better

El Padrino said...

my god, zeke those nd stats are awesome

Jugdish said...

suite...howling at the moon

El Padrino said...

"they should have additional penalties after the first death. like a bullet to the head, then victims families get to kick you. or let them kick him before he dies."

piss on him

Jugdish said...

Fuck ND


i already got a yob painting the lines on their field with that bald, black guy.

/keef

Keef said...

Sex tape


sfw

Keef said...

"i already got a yob painting the lines on their field with that bald, black guy."


::mick foley::

blue said...

RUDY

Jugdish said...

::mick foley::


rudy

Keef said...

rudy sucks

/TP

blue said...

the QB totally laid down "farve style" on that play anyway

blue said...

it's all a ruse

Jugdish said...

your face is a ruse

El Padrino said...

YOU JEW MUDDA FUCKA YOU

Keef said...

this agassi interview on dan patrick is blah

I want to be just like him said...

"mouth breather" isn't used enough in society as an insult.

Keef said...

jesus, mize thinks agassi has a lot of woe

El Padrino said...

ugly plate

Keef said...

DP: Was playing tennis worth it all?

Agassi: ::long pause:: Um, yeah.


jesus, you have probably hundreds of millions in the bank. My guess is that it was worth it

ToddPacker said...

"rudy sucks

/TP"


rudy is ok.

although i find it funny that the guy who hates pulp fiction and the family guy is using /TP... probably should be /Keith

I want to be just like him said...

ugly plate

I guess we found the one thing that NY isn't the best at.

Keef said...

QT movies are just weird

ToddPacker said...

grate* plate

Meiz said...

I don't think I could handle hanging out with a chick like Beth. My dick might explode if that ever happened.















Also, rape.

El Padrino said...

black out

Meiz said...

"although i find it funny that the guy who hates pulp fiction and the family guy is using /TP... probably should be /Keith"



Valid point

Jugdish said...

"although i find it funny that the guy who hates pulp fiction and the family guy is using /TP... probably should be /Keith"


that's why the Blockbuster yob fell through

Keef said...

TCS is approaching quickly

We want Spurrier back! said...

suite travel note i forgot:
on the plane on the way back the guy on the mic says 'if youre not headed to orange county speak up now', then they closed the door and he got back on the mic and says

'now yous cant leave'

Meiz said...

Goddman veterans. Couldn't save my dog. Fuck you.

El Padrino said...

'now yous cant leave'

suite sonny right there

I want to be just like him said...

don't waste ya talent C

blue said...

frightening

We want Spurrier back! said...

did you see another helmet

Meiz said...

Blue shoulda shot that bitch in the head

I want to be just like him said...

did you see another helmet


hilarity


steve would scare the shit out of bgbleu

Meiz said...

LP, get off the sauce and start commenting. This place stinks.

ToddPacker said...

"did you see another helmet"

funny

Keef said...

Manny Pacquiao is a good singer

blue said...

i thought LP quit the saux

El Padrino said...

watching my cousin vinny, leave me alone

We want Spurrier back! said...

"Manny Pacquiao is a good singer"

hilarity

We want Spurrier back! said...

switched to a newer comp at work, it has a built in speaker, suite

El Padrino said...

the people of waffle house

Beth said...

"I don't think I could handle hanging out with a chick like Beth. My dick might explode if that ever happened.

Also, rape."


Ok, I'll take the bait - was this just a random thought or was there something specific that caused it?

I want to be just like him said...

Ok, I'll take the bait - was this just a random thought or was there something specific that caused it?


it's not a random thought, I'll rape a bitch then deck her if she raises up.


/deke

blue said...

he misses sex

I want to be just like him said...

maybe he took the pussy off the pedestal and is ready to shoplift the pootie.

blue said...

shoplift is a kind word

Beth said...

Note to self, at the LOV picnic make sure I am never alone with mize.

El Padrino said...

creep

El Padrino said...

i would chop off a some toes to stick my cock in marisa tomei

blue said...

then you wouldn't be as much of an L

El Padrino said...

that's a hideous rumor anyway

Beth said...

"i would chop off a some toes to stick my cock in marisa tomei"

I don't think that's what cmep meant when she told you to look up romance.

El Padrino said...

romance my ass

let's start by having some sex every once in awhile then we'll talk about romance

blue said...

the marriage catch 22...if you were more romantic you'd get more sex...but you want more sex before you'll be more romantic


vicious cycle

Meiz said...

"Ok, I'll take the bait - was this just a random thought or was there something specific that caused it?"


It was a joke

Meiz said...

LOV:


Where perfectly good rape jokes go to die.

El Padrino said...

nice ad

Steve said...

The Supersuckers

worth a listen.

We want Spurrier back! said...

"nice ad"

amurrican* apparel has a lot of nakedness on their site

blue said...

your face supersucks

El Padrino said...

"amurrican* apparel has a lot of nakedness on their site"

nerve a nip though

We want Spurrier back! said...

"nerve a nip though"

false, by nakedness i meant nakedness

El Padrino said...

going forward please link

no tiki, no laundry

Meiz said...

"nerve a nip though"


Somebody didn't think about who they were chatting with.

Meiz said...

I think the plainness of the girls that model for AA is kinda hot.

I want to be just like him said...

no tiki, no laundry

The Departed

scene where he's selling those microprocessors to the gooks.


det

I want to be just like him said...

block

I want to be just like him said...

bold

«Oldest ‹Older   1 – 200 of 548   Newer› Newest»

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino