Where Amazing Happens™.

I'm talking about the NBA Finals, not this place. This place is where the opposite of amazing happens. D- baby, that's how we do.

So, the Finals. Orlando and L.A. is not the match up David Stern wanted, but it's the one he's got. I personally think that this is a much tougher match-up for the Lakers than Cleveland would have been. The Cavs, as it was shown in the Eastern Conference Finals, have LeBron and that's about it. Orlando has a monster down low and shooters everywhere. Ok, let's break this series down; here are the Axe Bodyspray Keys to the Series:

Mamba vs. Mickael Pietrus. First off, I'm really glad Pietrus is getting some pub. He's a great player. They don't have 5 tool players in basketball, but he's damn near close to an NBA 5 tool player. I picked him up in FNBA a couple of years ago when he was on Golden State and it was a little frustrating because Nelly was sitting him on the bench for some stupid reason. I thought he was going to be a sleeper this year, but he was hurt a lot. Orlando has got to be thankful he is healthy for the playoffs because he knocks down his shots and he's their only one-on-one wing defender. He did a great job on LeBron, but LeBron still managed to average 38 in the last series and I think Kobe gets his in this series. Pietrus doesn't play the entire game, in fact he's playing behind Courtney Lee, who may start, but I think Pietrus gets more minutes because Mamba is going to work the rookie. Mamba could also render his defender useless if he becomes the facilitator that carried the Lakers in their last two wins. Advantage: Lakers.

Skip-To-My-Lou vs. Derek Fisher. I would love to see these two in a cage on a UFC Pay-Per-View. Or a WWE Hardcore Match. Who is going to start the bench clearing brawl between these two, and is Rafer Alston gonna stash a shank in his shoe and start stabbing fools? Also, Fisher is like 97 years old and a liability on defense. Oh, and Jameer Nelson might be ready for this series. I doubt he can play 20-30 minutes, so Skip is still the starter and will play the bulk of the minutes, but if Jameer can give them 8-10 and destroy Fisher in the process, that's a plus for the Magic. Advantage: Magic, unless Alston shanks someone and gets suspended.

Phil vs. SVG. Zen Master vs. The Master of Panic. Both teams have shown they can blow big leads in the playoffs. Orlando also managed to beat the Lakers twice during the season. I was at the L.A. game, and what happened there looks like it could happen in the playoffs. Lakers got a big lead and then the Magic came roaring back and beat them. The problem is, the Magic live and die by the jump shot. So far they've been living rather well. If it starts to go south, it could get ugly. One thing Phil needs to do is figure out how to get the Lakers to play defense for 48 minutes a game. This is going to be a game of insane runs and whoever makes the right adjustments will win. I'm leaning towards Phil, but it's closer than you think.Advantage: Lakers, but it's close.


Dwight Howard vs. Andrew Bynum/Pau Gasol. This where if you're a Lakers fan, you're scared to deaf*. If Dwight averages 30/15, forget about it, they're done. And from watching the last couple of Magic games, I just don't know how you stop this young man. When they won in L.A. during the regular season, the Magic played inside-out to perfection. The Lakers have a problem defending that kind of scheme. They (especially Kobe) overplay on the wings and then they over-rotate and either can't guard the shooter, or they can't box out and it leads to easy scores. In the game I saw, Joe Smith had like three follow-up dunks. Joe Smith was killing them. Joe. Smiff. They need to get a defensive scheme STAT. Howard could have a huge series. Pow! Gasol could put up 20/10, but it's Bynum who really needs to show up in this series. I still think Howard cannot be contained by anything the Lakers throw at him. Advantage: Magic.

Hedo Turkoglu/Rashard Lewis vs. Trevor Ariza/Lamar Odom. Again, this comes down to shooting, and Turkoglu has been known to disappear in games, but the Magic duo are just too good. They hit insane, clutch shots. And you've got to start wondering which Lamar Odom is going to show up (more on that later). Ariza is a great defender, but he doesn't give you that much on the offensive end. I gotta go with the Magic here. Advantage: Magic.

Lamar Odom vs. Lamar Odom. Which Lamar is going to show up? When he's on his game, he's unstoppable and there is not another player like him in the entire league; he can cover four positions and do whatever he wants on offense at any time. When he's off or just average, it's brutal. You gotta think that the good Lamar Odom is going to show up here. If he can't get motivated for the Finals, then I don't know what's going to motivate the dude. If he doesn't play to the best of his ability, it's going to be a tough series for the Lakers. I think he shows up. Advantage Lakers.

Lakers Bench vs. Magic Bench. Once again, this comes back to how Lamar Odom plays, but you look at that Magic bench, and there's not a whole lot to like there. Minus 500 points for a Dukie on the bench. Marcin Gortat has developed a bit and has been producing, but I think the Lakers bench can handle him. This is where Sasha Vujacic needs to step up and make a shot every once-in-awhile. Dude has been TERRIBLE so far in the postseason. The Lakers bench is superior, but the Magic starters are going to get a lot of minutes, and they are better than anything the Lakers have on their bench behind Odom, so even though they're a clear-cut winner in this category, the Lakers bench needs to step it up. Advantage: Lakers.

The Lakersgirls vs. The Magic Dancers. The Magic Dancers look way sluttier (like WAY sluttier), but c'mon now, we're talking about The Lakergirls here. Advantage: Lakers.

Final Analysis:
I want to call it Lakers in six, but this could easily go seven. The finals schedule (2-3-2) works in the Lakers favor, but they need to win those two games in L.A., get one out of three in Orlando, and then close it out. I think this is a close series, which is scary because the Magic are so young. They can be the Beast in the East for years to come if they can hold this team together. I thought it was a year too early for them and had them exiting in the Eastern Conference Finals, so I think they're overachieving a little and they really rely on their jumpshooters way too much. But if Howard has a monster series and their shots fall, I think they have more than a shot to win. I still think it's the Lakers series to lose. Lakers in six (maybe seven).