Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I am younger than Blue and Keith

R-O-C-K-E-T-S

They aren't bad without McGrady. The Ewing Theory is about to get a name change. Watch for it on the next El Tardo! I peeped game on some of this match up. Lots of blood. More blood than the Hatton fight. I think it was Shane Battier that took a shot that Hatton would still be down from.

Also there are lots of Euro-douchebags in this match up. They play like little bitches. I had to turn the game off because some greasy looking dude kept faking that an elbow to his chest was knocking him back about 10 feet. Eurotrash basketball players make me angry.

G-R-E-I-N-K-E

So I guess this is the Cliff Lee of this year. I used to think this guy was going to be a stud, of course I thought Todd Van Poppel was going to be a stud too. Anyway, I wrote him off, but so far so good. He is on my ESPN keeper league team. I never check that team. Fantasy Baseball is too much work. Can I sell Greinke for real cash?

C-A-P-P-S

Thanks for showing up. Next time don't suck. Seriously though, he is a decent closer. Lots of teams would take him. Can't save them all, unless you are on 'roids or something.

J-A-M-E-S

Haven't read much into this, but was he a unaminous pick for MVP? Someone has to know....anyone....anyone....Beuhler? Beuhler? I have no clue if that is spelt correctly.

K-E-N-Y-O-N

Not just the school I went to, but also a guy who paid $25K to hit Dirk. If I had the kind of cash Kenyon has I'd pay $25k to hit Dirk. He is a Euro-douche.

M-O-V-I-E

Next Day Air

Finally.....FUCKING FINALLY. The Meiz story.

This movie is guaranteed to win at least one Oscar. It'd be more if they got Tom Hanks to play Meiz, but they got Tom Arnold instead. He is trying to make it big in drama now. I'd say he hits a homerun, but he is fat and only legged out a triple.

Anyway, this story follows a young Meiz and his rise to greatness in the Next Day Air business. From his days working with idiots at the UPS store to opening his own MPS branch, through the power struggle with a dude named Rev (played by Samuel L. Jackson) over control of MPS. Eventually Meiz wins the power struggle and takes MPS to heights never before imagined.

But all is not great in the world of Next Day Air. Meiz has troubles with the ladies. At first there is one, but she moves out and takes his stuff. Then MPS takes off and the gold diggers show up. At one point Meiz falls in with the wrong crowd, marries a bat shit crazy shit who tries to take MPS away. But Kod saves the day with some great legalling. Yep, legalling, new word maybe, I don't know. Kod is played by Patrick Duffy....no clue how he landed that role.

In any case, through the ups and downs Meiz finds his way to the promised land and MPS becomes the standard by which all other delivery companies are judged. Tom Arnold is sure to get his first Oscar.

5 helmet stickers out of 5.

406 comments:

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Jugdish said...

best.movie.review.evar

Blueshon said...

is meiz played by mos def, or by the guy from next friday?

Jugdish said...

ewwwww

tem said...

meiz is played by Tom Arnold. says so right in the review.

tem said...

Mos Def plays Keith and The Scrubs guy plays Freak and the guy from Next Friday plays El Pad.

their story is minor. i think the ads show them to get black people to go to the movie.

Blueshon said...

ok, you assumed

Blueshon said...

yes, token black guy role

Beth said...

Ok tem, here's a comment for you so you won't whine about how I don't comment on your post days (and don't worry, I'll comment more throughout the day). Well done movie review.

Jugdish said...

I'm sensing a series of movie reviews based on lov people

tem said...

who is that lady?

tem said...

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

Beth said...

"who is that lady?"

You don't remember me? We were engaged once but then you broke it off.

Beth said...

Oh wait, that may not narrow it down enough for you.

El Padrino said...

suite review tem, you missed one thing though

meiz slapping around efmeiz

El Padrino said...

that beer study is dead on balls accurate

Jugdish said...

Also...where does Deluxe fit in the movie and who plays him?

Jugdish said...

dead on balls accurate



I guess the fuckin thing is broken.

El Padrino said...

hahah
nice jug

Jugdish said...

anyone talk about the ankieeil face plant yesterday?

Jugdish said...

ouch

tem said...

"You don't remember me? We were engaged once but then you broke it off."

it would be an amazing twist if it turned out you were really exfemtem.

tem said...

"suite review tem, you missed one thing though

meiz slapping around efmeiz"


can't give away all the best parts. then nobody would go see it.

Steve said...

"it would be an amazing twist if it turned out you were really exfemtem."

if so, you would have to let us all know once and for all how Beth is in the sack.

tem said...

"Also...where does Deluxe fit in the movie and who plays him?"

sidekick played by Richard Kind. small role really. lots of his scenes were cut from the final copy of the movie.

El Padrino said...

i already know beth is a hellcat in bed, she takes too long to bust though, like most women

Beth said...

"it would be an amazing twist if it turned out you were really exfemtem."

Actually, I could be any one of your significant others so you all better watch what you say...

Beth said...

"she takes too long to bust though, like most women"

Some things are worth the effort EP.

tem said...

"Actually, I could be any one of your significant others so you all better watch what you say..."

maybe you are one of Teejer's scorned chicks.

Steve said...

Miss California photos leaked.

HaHaHaHaHa

So much for Trditional Family Values, hu?


Maybe now she'll shut up.

Meiz said...

Best. Movie. EVAR.

Beth said...

"maybe you are one of Teejer's scorned chicks"

Except that I'm real and he wasn't.

tem said...

"Except that I'm real and he wasn't."

you could be unreal.

tem said...

"Miss California photos leaked."

what kind of photos?

tem said...

is she fornicating with a unicorn on the sabbath?

El Padrino said...

now that's what i'm talking about

Meiz said...

Customer: How much would it cost to send this to Sun Prairie?

Me: Do you have the zip code?

C: Sun Prairie.

Me: The zip code

C: Sun Prairie, Wisconsin

Me: The. Zip. Code.

C: 53590

Beth said...

"what kind of photos?"

It looks like only 1 (out of 6) has been released so far and it's really not that outrageous. She's in panties only, looking over her shoulder with some mostly covered side boob showing. You can see it here. (The website is pretty slow loading.)

Steve said...

the article just showed this

there are supposed to be more on the way that are nude and semi-nude.

won't be long.

Beth said...

Oh and tem, to answer your question about Lebron and the MVP, he received 109 out of 121 first place votes.

tem said...

twss

tem said...

this new lady is full of info.

thanks beth.

tem said...

jessi simpson slimmed down for some magazine.

tem said...

bam, wall.

JFreak said...

"National University of Lesotho"

No way EP knows where Lesotho is.

Jugdish said...

No way EP cares where Lesotho is.



fixed

Meiz said...

Tyler
Tyler

JFreak said...

I shouldn't call out just EP on that, most people probably have no idea.

tem said...

i doubt most people care.

El Padrino said...

yea you shouldnt
without looking it up it sounds like it's in indiana

JFreak said...

"i doubt most people care."

you brought it up.

El Padrino said...

africa, perfect

Jugdish said...

they look a lot alike

Meiz said...

Holy Fucking Shit

El Padrino said...

man joba's mom is a milf

El Padrino said...

happy cinco de mayo spiff!

spaceman spiff said...

"Yao pulled a paul pierce last night"

that bastard, copied pierce even down to the crying, but, BUT missing the critical 'i just got clipped by a sniper, carry me outta here A-SAP!' part. my guess is he didnt want his teammates over exerting themselves while trying to lift him

El Padrino said...

ass

spaceman spiff said...

man crush alert - greinke. dont think he can be this years cliff lee as he is young and didnt suck for years

spaceman spiff said...

lincecum last year, greinke this year, pitchers should apply to be drafted by my yahoo team

Meiz said...

EP, next time you post Incubus on LOM, I'm jumping one of those $49 flights from Southwest, and choking you out.

spaceman spiff said...

"Holy Fucking Shit"

suite, just get your tent and you'll have SOMEPLACE TO GO

spaceman spiff said...

incubus is solid

spaceman spiff said...

or was, they had a run

spaceman spiff said...

knew it would be a tough series when ron ron came out with his anthony mason hair

Jugdish said...

EP, next time you post Incubus on LOM, I'm jumping one of those $49 flights from Southwest, and choking you out.



That's not going to happen

tem said...

In Next Day Air. Meiz averts tent city by living in the very first MPS office.

He goes for broke and it pays off. But times be tough, you, at the beginning.

spaceman spiff said...

carne asada tacos with yellow corn tortillas tonight, pacifico beer

El Padrino said...

incubus is solid

agreed

Meiz said...

Southwest doesn't fly out of MKE, I think. Sillyheads

El Padrino said...

"carne asada tacos with yellow corn tortillas tonight, pacifico beer"

pork tacos and chicken fajitas
negra modelo, guac, chips and salsa, chicken quesadillas

Jugdish said...

free kfc

tem said...

i'd go to chipolte today, but it'll be packed.

tem said...

lunch time.

Meiz said...

Bossman puts on the lamest fucking radio station in town. I hate that shit.

isiah thompson said...

Dom Deluise living to 75 should give Fathead hope.

Jugdish said...

You know I don't speak spanish

Steve said...

I think we get to find out the Janitor's name tonight.

Meiz said...

Janitor's name will nerve be revealed

Steve said...

"Janitor's name will nerve be revealed"

it's supposed to be revealed on the final episode

JFreak said...

"I think we get to find out the Janitor's name tonight."

Don't be so sure

spaceman spiff said...

his name will be jay anitor or some shit, like homer j. simpson was homer jay simpson, itll be lame

Steve said...

"Don't be so sure"

I read that. But JD is gone, probably Turk too. And Bill Lawerance is gone too.

So tonight will be the last "old school" scrubs episode.

Steve said...

a new scrubs would be OK.

that new blonde chick is funny.

spaceman spiff said...

"I read that. But JD is gone, probably Turk too. And Bill Lawerance is gone too."

the fuck, why dont they just end it

JFreak said...

"When you hear janitor's name, the show's over."

Steve is right.

JFreak said...

"I read that. But JD is gone, probably Turk too. And Bill Lawerance is gone too. "

Lawerence would not leave. He just would be writing two shows. It's been done before.

Keith S said...

scrubs


::flank stake::

El Padrino said...

tv show that's not funny

Steve said...

wife ass branding

::flank stake::

Keith S said...

You're right. I should be an uptight, insecure fuck who has to keep the wife under wraps at all times.

isiah thompson said...

tv show that's not funny

you are correct sir!

Keith S said...

I don't understand some of the bets on centsports. I normally put together a 5-teamer in tennis, and there's usually at least 1 match that isn't played.

Blueshon said...

tv show that used to be funny


*fixzed

JFreak said...

Centsports always gets tennis start times wrong.

It's annoying.

Meiz said...

I'm with Keith on the wife stuff. Insecurity, and jealousy is a motherfucker.

Meiz said...

HEY! Its Cinco de Mayo! So that means the Eurotrash at the dance studio next door can crank up the latin music as loud as they want!

AWESOME!!!

















s

Blueshon said...

meiz has a wife?

spaceman spiff said...

meiz has a wife an he oozes confidence

Jugdish said...

I'm with Keith on the wife stuff. Insecurity, and jealousy is a motherfucker.



not allowing someone to brand your wife's ass doesn't necessarily mean they are insecure and jealous.

Meiz said...

You're taking the comment too literally

spaceman spiff said...

thats how we do

Jugdish said...

You're taking the comment too literally


either way

kodiac said...

not allowing someone to brand your wife's ass doesn't necessarily mean they are insecure and jealous.

-the way Keith described it though...not allowing that would take a lot of jealousy and insecurity.
*it's not like she totally dropped trou or anything

Keith S said...

"-the way Keith described it though...not allowing that would take a lot of jealousy and insecurity.
*it's not like she totally dropped trou or anything"


Exactly

Jugdish said...

-the way Keith described it though...not allowing that would take a lot of jealousy and insecurity.
*it's not like she totally dropped trou or anything



well for someone who keef sanchez's his mother in law, maybe the ass branding was long over due

Keith S said...

Sitting drunk around a fire, someone picks up tongs and puts them in the fire, says "Who wants to step up", cmk says she'll do it, rolls down the waistband, tongs touch her for < than a millisecond. Whooptiefuckingdoo

Steve said...

"well for someone who keef sanchez's his mother in law, maybe the ass branding was long over due"


indeed. maybe the mother in law has been branded as well.

Jugdish said...

didn't you say her ass was branded, not her waist?

Meiz said...

There. Not a big deal. Done.

Jugdish said...

Whooptiefuckingdoo



settle down beavis

Steve said...

"Sitting drunk around a fire, someone picks up tongs and puts them in the fire, says "Who wants to step up", cmk says she'll do it, rolls down the waistband, tongs touch her for < than a millisecond. Whooptiefuckingdoo"

You said it was a game of truth or dare. and you said her ass, not her waist.

spaceman spiff said...

"didn't you say her ass was branded, not her waist?"

keef sanchez creator jug, always keep that in mind

Keith S said...

top of the as.

Blueshon said...

keith treats his wife like cattle....got it.

Blueshon said...

he uses a cattle prod sometimes too.

Jugdish said...

We need a translor of keef stories from now on.


keef: i was hammered this weekend!

reality: little too much nyquil on fri night and slept for 12 hours.

or

keef: CSIL can queef on demand

reality: she farted by accident while leaning over to tie her shoes.

El Padrino said...

keef you just need to get better at explaining shit

you need a pecos lesson, enroll today

Blueshon said...

hsil is the queefer

spaceman spiff said...

"cattle"

...but theyre cattle, yippee kai-aye, mini sirloin burgers

El Padrino said...

Pecos University

"where anything and everything happens no matter who says it didn't"

Jugdish said...

We can start calling him Keiz

Jugdish said...

or Meef

Jugdish said...

or Andy As.

El Padrino said...

Keiz is solid

Meiz said...

There's shit in the meat? How are we getting shit in the meat?

Blueshon said...

"...but theyre cattle, yippee kai-aye, mini sirloin burgers"


funniest commercial on TV

Keith S said...

"keef you just need to get better at explaining shit"

How were either of those explained incorrectly? almost half the comments on urbandictionary say a sanchez can be with a finger. You all just read the ones that say it's not and go by that

Jugdish said...

How were either of those explained incorrectly?


what about the ass/waist thing keiz?

Keith S said...

So the ass isn't close to the waist. Got it

Meiz said...

"what about the ass/waist thing keiz?"


He made it perfectly clear yesterday.

Steve said...

"sanchez can be with a finger"


you left out the fact that you didn't wipe your ass with your finger first

Jugdish said...

So the ass isn't the waist. Got it

fixed

Keith S said...

"you left out the fact that you didn't wipe your ass with your finger first"

Pretty sure I said that it was unloaded

Keith S said...

bait is good

Meiz said...

This is where I just kick back and root for the taser.

El Padrino said...

keiz and meiz are the ambigiously gay duo today

got it

Jugdish said...

keiz and meiz are the ambigiously gay duo today


hilarity

Keith S said...

"keiz and meiz are the ambigiously gay duo today"

Said the guy who can never have enough dong

El Padrino said...

Said the guy who can never hear enough dong jokes

fizzzzzed

Keith S said...

tomayto
tomahto

Keith S said...

This is fun

El Padrino said...

do you know what fun means?

Jugdish said...

This is fun



Reality: I'm acting like this is fun, but really I'm annoyed.

El Padrino said...

unrelated fios is the bomb snizzle

Blueshon said...

steve, keith wiping his own ass would be a totally different idea than a keith sanchez.

Keith S said...

"Reality: I'm acting like this is fun, but really I'm annoyed."

Not at all

ns

Jugdish said...

steve, keith wiping his own ass would be a totally different idea than a keith sanchez.



sounds like steve has his own sanchez...probably broke it out on that camping trip

Jugdish said...

Not at all


im enjoying it

Steve said...

"probably broke it out on that camping trip"

camping trip?

Blueshon said...

not in the slightest

Jugdish said...

The 'LeBomb James' requires a shot of Crown Royal (for King James), some Red Bull and three packs of Splenda. Drop the shot of Crown in the Red Bull, chug it, dump Splenda in your hands, and 'baby powder throw' it into the air like LBJ.

Jugdish said...

camping trip?


you know what im talking about

El Padrino said...

lebomb shot is great

Keith S said...

"The 'LeBomb James' requires a shot of Crown Royal (for King James), some Red Bull and three packs of Splenda. Drop the shot of Crown in the Red Bull, chug it, dump Splenda in your hands, and 'baby powder throw' it into the air like LBJ."

Awesome

Steve said...

"you know what im talking about"


not even god knows what you're talking about.

Jugdish said...

not even god knows what you're talking about.



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

not

El Padrino said...

my kid is squatting on the floor like a gook in a rice patty field

def dropping deuce, does this mean she's ready to be potty trained?

El Padrino said...

dman wrong blog

Steve said...

"not"


1992 called...

Jugdish said...

1992 called...



and they said Duke was good

Meiz said...

Ahhhhhhhh!!!! Clubbed hand! Clubbed hand!


Terrible!

spaceman spiff said...

the fuck is a clubbed hand? a stump? no hand at all then?

Jugdish said...

the fuck is a clubbed hand? a stump? no hand at all then?



some wisconsin thing

Meiz said...

"the fuck is a clubbed hand? a stump? no hand at all then?"



Here

Steve said...

Megan Fox has a clubbed thumb.

It would not slow me down at all.

isiah thompson said...

*congrats to all those involved in the last 80+ comments.

Keith S said...

"do you know what fun means?"

This is busting balls. I do that as much as anyone, so for me to not be able to take it would be pretty lame

isiah thompson said...

and they said Duke was good


ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

Steve said...

"ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!"

jug is having a banner day.

-----------------------------

I still don't know what camping trip you're talking about Jug. The last time I went camping I was 13 or so. We all sat around the fire playing truth or dare.

Oh, no we didn't, it was lame even back then.

spaceman spiff said...

he's talking about ski mountain and was implying that you guys not only circle jerked, but your free hand hand had its finger up your own as. (implied by your version of a sanchez)

spaceman spiff said...

clubbed hand looks awful, speaking of which, did you see torry holts finger, on with leather

El Padrino said...

AND THE FOUL!

El Padrino said...

yeah crazy, finger is jacked up

Meiz said...

"clubbed hand looks awful, speaking of which, did you see torry holts finger, on with leather"


We were trying to figure out how he catches footballs with that thing. Gross, and incredible.

spaceman spiff said...

jesus eagle struttin

spaceman spiff said...

"We were trying to figure out how he catches footballs with that thing."

gloves help, but how does he get the glove on?

Meiz said...

My new checks have a kick ass bald eagle on 'em. Swooping down to snag a fish.


It was either that or something wildly corny. Next set of checks will be uber corny.

tem said...

"gloves help, but how does he get the glove on?"

special order gloves

tem said...

LeBomb James sounds good.

tem said...

"So the ass isn't close to the waist. Got it"


as. does not equal waist.

isiah thompson said...

checks


::flank stare::

tem said...

keith will be pissed, but Dane Cook plays him in Next Day Air.

Leo DeCaprio reprises his role as Steve in a cameo.

Beth said...

"as. does not equal waist"

This is true. You don't see EP raving about KK's waist.

Keith S said...

"keith will be pissed, but Dane Cook plays him in Next Day Air."

I thought it was mos def

tem said...

damn.

tem said...

then dane cook plays jug.

Keith S said...

"as. does not equal waist"

ok litemeral

tem said...

i need to not misremember what i write.

Keith S said...

lull

Keith S said...

EP
Tell me you don't put A-1 on your steaks

Keith S said...

Rev takes his beer pong seriously

Keith S said...

Stoning must be the worse

JFreak said...

Anyone that has Lincecum today can chalk a win up already.

Only 3 Cubs starters are playing.

Meiz said...

"Anyone that has Lincecum today can chalk a win up already."

Yay

spaceman spiff said...

"Anyone that has Lincecum today can chalk a win up already.

he's really good"

*fized

Keith S said...

3-0 SF already

Keith S said...

cubs are not good this year

Meiz said...

"Rev takes his beer pong seriously"


When you look like that, its only a matter of time before you end up a felon.

Keith S said...

mize
1 day bet on the Breers/Reds this week?

Keith S said...

bold

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"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





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"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino