Friday, April 17, 2009

NWO

Once Texas secedes we all predict that all other states will secede in order to not pay the staggering US debt. And since NY is the alpha male of this country it will beat and rape every other state and be the "leader" of the new free or not free world. I will be El Presedente. Today I will nominate my cabinet members, all of whom will be from LOV, because around El Pad everybody eats.

El Presedente : El Pad, I am the right man for the job. I promise to make 4 day work weeks, rid the world of fags, lesbians (fat butchy ones), illegals, russians and woman that don't like to suck dick. I will legalize prostitution and tax it. I will outlaw Chicago style pizza or casserole. I will not frown upon women who choose to go topless. I will buy all the Subway's and Olive Garden's and burn them to the ground. I will make healthcare affordable and give out free breast enhancement surgeries (deke I'll see what I can do about that field mouse penis of yours, hang in there tiny). And last but not least I will make David Chase and crew film the real ending to The Sopranos.

Vice President, Rev : This is a figure head job so what better person to fill this role other than the guy with the biggest head anyone has ever seen. Part of your duties, if you accept of course, would be to oversee Philly Cheesesteaks (maybe abolishing everyone but Geno's) and turning the White House basement into a man lair. You are also responsible for gathering autographs from respected World Leaders, sports figures, actors and VIP's from around the world. Oh, one more thing, you have to wear that thing you wore at your wedding at all times.

I am changing the names of the cabinet positions. I can do that. This is in no order.

Referee : Zeke, you will be the country's referee. For any and all arguments you must be present and decide who is the winner. It's important that you add plenty of "IN DE FACE" remarks as well as "RHODE ISLAND IS SHOOK" gestures. You will also be responsible for appointing referee's for all of our sporting events right after you fornicate with Violet Palmer in a sold out Madison Square Garden. You are also the NCAA boss and can abolish the SEC if you wish. Unfortunately you do have a no quit clause in your contract.

Secretary of Semen : Beth, listen honey in my country a whore is a good thing so don't take this the wrong way. Basically you are a walking money shot. However you will be treated very well with numerous houses, cars, shopping sprees, jewels and straight cash sista'. Life will be good. All you have to do is be my sex slave (I'm not a bad looking guy ya know) and close international and domestic deals with the power of the pussy. It's a win-win situation. North Korea wants to make nukes. Send the SOS and a day later they reneg on that idea. It's a perfect system.

Director of Straight Cash : Tem, this is your spot. You are head of the "tax" dept. Tax is a dirty word so we call this Department of Straight Cash. I will tax cigarettes, properties, prostitution and various other things to subsidize government programs and create government surpluses that I can use to afford Beth. You are not allowed to tax liquor by the way. Also your in charge of dating websites and on the general counsel board of broken off engagements.

Honorary Keef As. : Keef, your the judge. You will reside over all major crime cases and all major civil cases. You are also police chief of the Bnewer York Grammar Police Dept. Completely unrelated but you are also the de facto commissioner of the Keef Sanchez club. An organization that strives to show people the various off color sexual techniques. Makes us proud!

Dept of Tobacco and Liquors : Deke, you have nothing to do here. Tobacco and Liquor sells itself. You will however be resonsible for issuing/revoking fishing licenses and keep all the man-made lakes stocked with fish. That's only two things so hopefully you'll focus on them daily and knock it out the park. I'm kind of gonna need you to tone the gay down though. Being as I abolished gay from Bnewer York. Thanks in advance brother.

Director of Porn : Spiff, a job we all feel you have been striving for since you first found out you could make yourself ejaculate. Out of all the cabinet posts this one feels 100% right. Make us proud. Oh, also gonna need you to run the Competitive Food Eating circuit. And think of diabolical events like how many Big Macs can you eat within 10 minutes while a camain alligator bites your nipples. Random but I imagine it would get huge ratings on a pay-per-view which we can straight cash.

Statboy : Freak, you've filled this role on LOV before. Gonna need you to do it for your new country. You can even re-name it the Freak Sports Bereau. I'm going to also ask that you become leader of the religions and calendars. Since you know about presbyterian's and passover dates.

Commissioner : Blue, since you always seem to perform well in fantasy leagues I need you to be fantasy commissioner for every league in the Bnewer York. Yes it seems like alot but you can handle that. I also would like you to put into print PAC 10 Poon Magazine. And your in charge of Idaho. Which will be used as a Retard Tent City. Steve is going to work under you, he's the smartest retard (You are not a retard). Your also going to be sitting in on all my firings. Thanks.

General Jug : Jug, your my general. Kick ass now and take names later. You are in charge of the military and space exploration which I re-named to JASA. Since you invented it. Your also in charge of organizing Yogging Marathons and country line dancing tournaments (which we will tax the cover charge).

Dept of Family Affairs : Kod, this is you. Need you to cut the divorce rate, stop domestic violence, prosecute immigrants marrying citizens to obtain citizenship, offer counsel to families that can't afford it and stop incest down south. Listen on a sour note I'm getting rid of the Coors Brewing company because the beer is not up to my standards. So your gonna have to man up and drink some real beer. Apologies in advance. Let's talk about it over some quality brews and a lysol bong.

Missing Persons Bureau : I'm putting Stiggy in charge of this. And Who Cares. MVN will have a dual role, first he's a karate instructor then a part of the Missing Persons Bureau.

Musical Director : IAM, please. You can stay based in Nashville if you wish, as long as your banging some talent and playing guitar. I'm also making you GM of the Detroit Lions, we need them to be a good football team for a change.

NBA Commissioner : T, your job. Your also in charge of Apple computers because Steve Jobs will die soon. Going to need you sit in for IAM when he's busy touring and writing muscials. In addition, kind of going to need you to be the Surgeon General because you might be the smartest guy on LOV other than myself of course. Fix the hospitals or something.

Dept of Transportation : H, and please since Boston doesnt exist anymore no war stories of the Celtics, Red Sawx or Patriots. Just drive. Your also the resident creditor specialist. Also leader of the Rockband/Guitar Hero nerds.

Gatekeeper : Todd Packer, please accept this position. Basically you are to prep old people to die. Work them through thier finances, write will's and make sure they are comfortable. Now since you are an elder man yourself you need to make sure you don't die on the job. Please be careful.

Bnewer York! The New World Order!

VIVA!

494 comments:

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Beth said...

Very well done EP. I'm impressed. (ns)

Beth said...

"Basically you are a walking money shot. However you will be treated very well with numerous houses, cars, shopping sprees, jewels and straight cash sista'."

So basically my life won't be changed much. Suite.

(Figured I'd go with the obvious joke.)

Beth said...

"And last but not least I will make David Chase and crew film the real ending to The Sopranos."

Of all your presidential promises and proclamations, I think this may be my favorite.

I also especially loved your appointments for Spiff and Jug (JASA is hilarity).

El Padrino said...

thank you darlin'

El Padrino said...

"So basically my life won't be changed much. Suite."

awesome

Jugdish said...

deke I'll see what I can do about that field mouse penis of yours, hang in there tiny


HILARITY


nice work! although i don't like the outlawing of chicago pizza.

El Padrino said...

it's a casserole jug, not pizza

i'll allow it if everyone will recognize it as a casserole

Jugdish said...

i prefer chicago style thin crust, which is FEEnominal

Jugdish said...

bad gas today, damn

Beth said...

"although i don't like the outlawing of chicago pizza"

I have to agree with Jug. I still think NY pizza is the better, but there should definitely be a place in your world for Chicago Pizza.

El Padrino said...

"i prefer chicago style thin crust, which is FEEnominal"

fine, see i'm easygoing

El Padrino said...

"bad gas today, damn"

see if you can develop this into a weapon of mass destruction

Jugdish said...

You should appoint steve the head of the homo state of alASSka after you send all gays there.

El Padrino said...

he can only have one duty and that is head of the retard tent city in idaho but maybe we can train him to also work with the gays in alasska

Jugdish said...

but maybe we can train him to also work with the gays in alasska


he does a good job cleaning the trays at McD's, I'm sure he can handle fag town too

tem said...

this post had me laughing the whole time i read it.

El Padrino said...

good, a little levity on friday is a good thing

El Padrino said...

i'm actualyl working from home today

got screwed out of a babysitter

El Padrino said...

wish i had a nice home office

Jugdish said...

just be happy you have a shower curtain and silverware

Jugdish said...

and hot water

El Padrino said...

anybody who doesnt have that must be a lazy bastard

tem said...

you are home screwing the babysitter?

tem said...

i thought cmelpad stayed home with the little kid?

Beth said...

i'm actualyl working from home today

i tried to screw the babysitter and she quit

*fixed

El Padrino said...

"i thought cmelpad stayed home with the little kid?"

negative, she works cuz el pad said so

*and because she spends 10X what i make







like woe

El Padrino said...

i tried to screw the babysitter and she quit

*fixed

nice!

Jugdish said...

*and because she spends 10X what i make


this will not be allowed in Bnewer York

El Padrino said...

"this will not be allowed in Bnewer York"

woman will be on allowances, nobody needs 30 pairs of shoes, not even octopusses

Jugdish said...

or octomoms

she is trying to trademark that name...i might owe royalties for using it now

Blue said...

great post

Blue said...

you should also outlaw all southern accents, with the exception of hot women

Blue said...

Jake Plummer is my favorite NFL player of all time.

Blue said...

i've also enjoyed his retirement

Blue said...

he should be an NFL analyst

Beth said...

Putting a limit on shoes and outlawing southern accents? (Although I'm hoping I qualify for the southern accent exception.)

Damn though, I'm not sure I'm going to like bnewer york after all.

Jugdish said...

(Although I'm hoping I qualify for the southern accent exception.)



no brainer


how thick is your accent anyways?

Blue said...

beth qualifies to keep the accent.

tem said...

as thick as your....

Blue said...

we might need another full body picture to make that determination though

tem said...

48oz steak.

Jugdish said...

we might need another full body picture to make that determination though

seconded

Beth said...

"how thick is your accent anyways?"

It's not too strong, and it's southern, not redneck.

Blue said...

"it's southern, not redneck."

that's what they all say

Steve said...

The southern accent is a thousand times better than that nasally, pitchy Yankee accent. or worse than that, is that "Brooklyn" you you you accent.

Beth said...

I have to admit though, I actually kind of like the Boston accent. In fact fmb and I are going to see Denis Leary in concert this weekend.

tem said...

denis leary is hilarious.

tem said...

but him being hilarious doesn't make the boston accent OK.

everyone should talk like tem. no accent at all.

El Padrino said...

"The southern accent is a thousand times better than that nasally, pitchy Yankee accent. or worse than that, is that "Brooklyn" you you you accent."

guys sound like pussies with a southern accent

El Padrino said...

tem you probably have a midwest accent

El Padrino said...

steve the north won

tem said...

"tem you probably have a midwest accent"

i do not.

Beth said...

"denis leary is hilarious"

If you haven't yet, you need to read (or have someone read it to you) his book called "Why We Suck". It's hilarity and it's VERY politically incorrect. I'd say probably everyone on LOV would love it.

tem said...

can you read it to me?

Beth said...

You won't mind the southern accent?

JFreak said...

Redneck accent outlawed is a must.

JFreak said...

Can we get country music banned while we're at it?

Jugdish said...

nope

Beth said...

"Can we get country music banned while we're at it?"

Not if the Secretary of Semen has a say in that. Some country music is decent. I actually like some of Garth's stuff and a lot of Willie Nelson and Waylon Jennings.

tem said...

no i don't mind southern accents.

tem said...

as long as you send in your straight cash i don't care how you talk.

tem said...

hehe, beth just said she likes a lot of willie.

Jugdish said...

D-Fence secretary also approves of country music.

Beth said...

"hehe, beth just said she likes a lot of willie"

That takes meiz out of the running, at least according to El Presidente.

El Padrino said...

certain cuntry music will have a place, after all i am a big johnny cash fan (before the movie)

Jugdish said...

Jug is going here next year...good times.

tem said...

you mean his stuff before the movie?

or that after the movie you stopped liking his stuff?

tem said...

"Jug is going here next year...good times."

i see they have a really big tent.

they are prepared for tent city.

tem said...

"Jug is going here next year...good times."

that is not enough big names for tem to travel that far for.

Jugdish said...

tent life will not be that bad

Jugdish said...

i like a lot of those guys, they play here in texas a good deal.

Jugdish said...

tem would like those bands

tem said...

tem would have to hear some of their stuff first before travelling far to see them.

Jugdish said...

the clip on that page is Reckless Kelly.

Beth said...

"Jug is going here next year...good times."

That's almost worth it just to hear Pure Prairie League play "Aime". That's such a great song.

Keith S said...

"That's only two things so hopefully you'll focus on them daily and knock it out the park."

Good stuff

Jugdish said...

That's almost worth it just to hear Pure Prairie League play "Aime". That's such a great song.


yup yup

Keith S said...

"Can we get country music banned while we're at it?"

Yes please

Keith S said...

The top 10 party schools according to Playboy

1) University of Miami

2) University of Texas (Austin)

3) San Diego State University

4) University of Florida

5) University of Arizona

6) University of Wisconsin (Madison)

7) University of Georgia

8) Louisiana State University

9) University of Iowa

10) West Virginia University

Beth said...

I know this doesn't fit in with a lot of LOV's tastes, but I'd easily ban rap long before banning country. For me that means losing a few Eminem songs that I like, not too big a deal.

Beth said...

"The top 10 party schools according to Playboy"

UGA is ALWAYS on that list.

Keith S said...

Going here tomorrow for this

Keith S said...

"I know this doesn't fit in with a lot of LOV's tastes, but I'd easily ban rap long before banning country. For me that means losing a few Eminem songs that I like, not too big a deal."

I used to like you

Jugdish said...

I know this doesn't fit in with a lot of LOV's tastes, but I'd easily ban rap long before banning country. For me that means losing a few Eminem songs that I like, not too big a deal.


100% agree

Keith S said...

A lot more strippers use rap music than country music. No way EP bans that

El Padrino said...

rap stays, stop it

Blue said...

maybe we should bring back hair bands and butt rock

El Padrino said...

tp has a gold tourney?

Blue said...

outlaw twitter

Beth said...

"I used to like you"

That's ok, hsil & csil still like me.

Jugdish said...

Beth...do it

Keith S said...

"That's ok, hsil & csil still like me."

They're desperate for friends

Jugdish said...

Beth...do it

Keith S said...

"tp has a gold tourney?"

I'd like to have an F, Vanna

tem said...

"they're desperate for friends"


good

El Padrino said...

d is next to f

Meiz said...

I was hoping my job was something more like The Dude That Hangs Out & Smokes A Bunch Of Pot With Famous People.

I'll take the fishing gig, though.

Meiz said...

Or something like Director Of Floating Around In Hot Air Balloons.

Blue said...

hot air balloon floater would be quality

Keith S said...

"good"

I figured that would make you happy

Beth said...

RE: Beth...do it.

Where that guy is playing tonight is literally less than 2 miles from where I work. But I still don't think I'll be making his show.

Beth said...

"good"

I thought you were hoping for more than friends there Tem.

Keith S said...

"I thought you were hoping for more than friends there Tem."

Maybe they won't cancel on him if they know they're gonna be just friends

El Padrino said...

deke do you want to get paid in sundries and houseware items or vodka?

Keith S said...

wadr

Meiz said...

"deke do you want to get paid in sundries and houseware items or vodka?"


Straight Cash

Keith S said...

Will mize have SOMEWHERE TO GO in Bnewer York?

Meiz said...

The Government will supply me with a home and furnishings

Keith S said...

Retards enter the NBA draft, too

Meiz said...

"Will mize have SOMEWHERE TO GO in Bnewer York?"


Won't matter as long as I have drugs and/or a hot air balloon

Keith S said...

I'm shocked but not surprised that mize is the one person to bitch about his cabinet position

Jugdish said...

"I think I can show teams I'm a little more athletic than they perceive me on TV or in person," he said.


How else can he be perceived?

Keith S said...

"How else can he be perceived?'

radio

Jugdish said...

ep...when can we expect the Bnewer York bailouts?

Jugdish said...

radio



i guess

Meiz said...

"I'm shocked but not surprised that mize is the one person to bitch about his cabinet position"


I didn't sign up for it. It was thrust upon me.

Keith S said...

TWSS

El Padrino said...

"ep...when can we expect the Bnewer York bailouts?"

won't need any, i'm expecting a surplus

Beth said...

"won't need any, i'm expecting a surplus"

And those surpluses go to me don't forget.

tem said...

"Maybe they won't cancel on him if they know they're gonna be just friends"


zing.


and for now it is a postponement.

as.

tem said...

"wadr"

ah, as. comment withdrawn.

El Padrino said...

"And those surpluses go to me don't forget."

you'll be taken care of

Jugdish said...

and for now it is a postponement.



something suddenly came up

Blue said...

i'm so confused

Blue said...

"for now it's a postponement"


or a temponement

Blue said...

posttemment

tem said...

postement sounds better

tem said...

then is will be temcelled.

tem said...

then it..

Steve said...

Well, that's about 10-15 years late

Steve said...

This is gonna be a long day. Been a long week. Slow at work.

tem said...

better late than never.

Blue said...

here comes the tents

Blue said...

we're under a winter storm warning, or watch or advisory...whichever is the worse.

12-20 inches of snow expected in the next 2 days

tem said...

that's a lot of snow.

better fire someone.

tem said...

time to go eat.

spaceman spiff said...

"lesbians (fat butchy ones)"

remove fat, get rid of butchy ones, which will get rid of strict lesbianism. every real, serious lesbian couple has 1 butch in it. non butch girls who sleep with non butch girls are usually bi-sexual

spaceman spiff said...

*remove the word 'fat' from that staement

El Padrino said...

spiff already earning his pay

Jugdish said...

remove fat, get rid of butchy ones, which will get rid of strict lesbianism. every real, serious lesbian couple has 1 butch in it. non butch girls who sleep with non butch girls are usually bi-sexual


they should all be in alasska anyways

Beth said...

"every real, serious lesbian couple has 1 butch in it. non butch girls who sleep with non butch girls are usually bi-sexual"

Spiff is wise.

Tyler said...

Wow, if this goes through, I'm going to be pretty busy. Especially when Iam goes on tour.

Blue said...

and usually strict lesbians don't let dudes watch or join

which is awful

Blue said...

the no quit clause for zeke is hilarity

Beth said...

I don't like giving zeke the power to get rid of the SEC, although I guess that would really work in the favor of the SEC teams in the end as they'd be forced to join other WEAKER conferences and would thus end up with better win-loss records...

Blue said...

paulus will QB michigan to 3 victories next year.

Blue said...

maybe paulus will get the team fired up by slapping the field

spaceman spiff said...

all hatred aside, wasnt paulus better at footyball than bball

Blue said...

sounds like he was 100times better

he was 4-times all state in NY or something like that

El Padrino said...

he was a great, great football player

NS

El Padrino said...

i read about him in like 10 different ny/syracuse area newpapers when he was playing

spaceman spiff said...

so EP is on board, zeke is not

El Padrino said...

zeke has to look past the dukeness

that's over now

El Padrino said...

and he'd still have to beat out the 3 guys they have including their top qb recruit

tem said...

rrod will probably use all 4 QBs during the year.

Steve said...

Yea, they interviewd Paulus and he said if he could go back and do it again he'd still play bball.

I don't believe it though. His dad played football, his borthers play football. He's been the black sheep of the family for the last 4 years.

spaceman spiff said...

yea, of course he is gonna say that

El Padrino said...

giada tits

ignoring shark smile

Blue said...

he's still a douche

Blue said...

giada is great

Steve said...

I have read the internet.


All of it.

Blue said...

where are you putting your tent steve?

Steve said...

South Flordia

Spend my tent days with woman in bikinis and sipping corona's.

spaceman spiff said...

power rankings, pls advice

Jugdish said...

power rankings, pls advice



if you ain't first, you're last!

El Padrino said...

artest is going to dominate roy T

no?

Blue said...

south flordia is nowhere near tent state of idaho

Blue said...

"artest is going to dominate roy T"

artest is overrated as a defender.

Blue said...

i think roy handles artest just fine

El Padrino said...

playoffs though

different

Steve said...

"south flordia is nowhere near tent state of idaho"

they crossed the country in the 1800's I can manage.

Blue said...

that's a tough series to call...inexperience for the blazers...adelman factor for Houston.

at least houston doesn't have mcgrady or i'd give the series to Portland...with that in mind. PDX is playing very well of late, and they take that series in 6.

Jugdish said...

ep's monica lewinsky

Steve said...

EP's REAL Monica Lewinsky

El Padrino said...

kim k, yummy

El Padrino said...

there is something beautiful inside of me and i want her to taste it

Steve said...

so, EP thinks semen is beautifull.


got it.

El Padrino said...

who said anything about seamen

spaceman spiff said...

"artest is overrated as a defender."

refs allow him to hack roy, good defender

refs calling everything, he'll be on the bench

Steve said...

nobody said anything at all about seamen.

------------------------

I hate when people put up youtube "videos" of pictures. It's nothing but pic after pic.

That's not a video, it's a gallery.

Steve said...

I was trying to find that ron artest fight. And I get a bunch of still frames with rap/metal playing.

Jugdish said...

Did anyone uhhh see the uhhh Greg Paulus uhhh interview on uhhh ESP uhh N yesterday uhhh?

Steve said...

A comedian died after accidentally overdosing on laughing gas while watching computer porn.Probably his best joke ever.

Blue said...

sushi for lunch...DET...fucking bombsauce

Blue said...

even better since the company paid...

Steve said...

"sushi for lunch"

what did ya get?

Blue said...

my favorite six words

"put.it.on.the.company.card"

Jugdish said...

even better since the company paid...


they got some extra cash since there are less employees around

Meiz said...

That Bill Dance is one wild and crazy guy

Blue said...

"what did ya get?"

spicy tuna roll, softshell crab, some las vegas roll thing, and some other roll that had jalapeno crab in it.

Jugdish said...

snoop dog is on sportscenter...odd

Steve said...

nice. i think i will get sushi tonight. been a while.

Keith S said...

"and for now it is a postponement.

as."


You keep telling yourself that

Keith S said...

"some las vegas roll thing"

Fucking LV rolls are the better

Jugdish said...

aren't you just supposed to eat them?

Keith S said...

Turn yourself in, H

Keith S said...

"That Bill Dance is one wild and crazy guy"

Bill Dance is Steve Martin?

Jugdish said...

Police believe a young and clean-cut blond man...


not H

The Rev said...

Even though I may be the exact polar opposite of at least 75% of your political views, I will accept your offer.

But I'm outlawing Geno's. Their cheesesteaks have sucked for years.

First order of business will be a summit meeting with Jack Nicholson. I will have many 8X10 photos and Sharpie pens at my disposal.

The Rev said...

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"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino