Wednesday, December 31, 2008

If you're havin' girl problems I feel bad for you son...

Reasons I have not been around lately:

A. I have been sick. It sucks. Second time in a month. I'm off for a week and a half from work for Christmas Break and I've been sick for 95% of it so far. Just my luck.

B. I have been looking for a condo. Yesterday, I finally found two that I like. Now I have to talk to the Real Estate Dude and the FInancial Guy to see how much of my money they want to take. 20% down + closing costs is a lot of fucking money. I have been going through my apartment looking for things to sell on eBay. If anyone knows someone who is in the market for a awesome 22" CRT monitor, let me know. I'll give them a REAL low price. Unfortunately, because of the economy, noone is buying SHIT. I have a bunch of old Shepard Fairey posters (the guy that did the Obama red and blue illustration) but I am afraid to put them up on eBay and then have them sell for just $150. So that helps me out a lot, thanks economy, you suck.

Lately I've been finding myself looking at prices for Washers and Dryers and other appliances because some of the places I've been looking at have the gas hook-ups, but no appliances. I never thought I'd find myself shopping for a Washer and Dryer, but here I am. It's a little strange. I have also been watching all of those housing shows on HGTV and A&E. This one woman in Texas was looking for a HOUSE under $100k and didn't have any money to put down. She found a big house that needed a little work for $79k and was complaining about how much work she would have to do. Fuck you lady in Texas. I would kill a dude for house at that price. You can't even get a studio condo in the ghetto for $79k here.

P.S. - $300+/month HOA fees are BULLSHIT, but since the only houses that I can afford are fixers in the ghetto, I guess I've gotta deal with it. I checked out a house yesterday in an area that Kod would have driven by going 50 with the doors locked and the windows rolled up. There would be NO WAY to get him out of the car, let alone look at the place. Yeah, it was that rough.

I was going to do a whole year in review thing, but because of the previous two problems, I said fuck it.

Ok, now to address some old business. Apparently, last week, I forgot a couple of people on my Christmas list, including Rev. But he's not the guy that got his panties in a twist over it. So, here's some belated presents for the people I missed:

Blue: A new coach for the Broncos that doesn't suck, so maybe they can make the playoffs next year.

Rev: Some cigars. Or food. Both are unhealthy for the dude, but I dunno what else to get the guy. Maybe Jimmy Rollins' game-worn jockstrap from Game Five? It could be the piece de resistance in the mancave.

Aitch: Some tissues for the next couple of years. Boo-hoo, it sure will suck to be a Boston sports fan now that all of that bad karma is coming back on youse* guys. I can't wait for KG and Paul Pierce's double ACL-tears next month. It is going to be awesome.

Jug: This dude is hard to shop for. Maybe a gift card to Bed, Bath and Beyond? If he has time, of course.

Ok, onto sports.

As alluded to earlier, the Broncos fired Mike Shanahan. Their next coach really has their work cut out for them. They have 79 running backs, and none of them are dependable or durable. On offense, they have a nice, young Quarterback that needs some time to mature (he was terrible in that Chargers game) and both of their receivers are studs. Scheffler, when healthy, is very good. Their defense is a little up and down, and they really depend on Champ Bailey's health. I'd say their weaknesses are; health (Scheffler and Bailey really hurt them when they were out) and the running back problem. You know, they're in the AFC West, they SHOULD have won that thing. You've got two terrible teams in KC and the Raiders, and you've another team who's head coach is Norv Turner. I mean, seriously, do the math here, that division is ripe for the taking.

Personally, I think Shanahan got a raw deal. But I do think he dug his own grave a little. His downfall was the running back situation. You need to be able to run the ball and control the clock. I think his ego got involved and he thought that he didn't need a name back and that he could create one in his system. Well, it turns out that he could for a couple of years, but lately, not so much. Hopefully, for everyone that plays fantasy football, the new coach gets a good running back and stays with him.

It's been a crazy last couple of days to be an NFL coach. The Jets fire Mangini, and are now talking to Cowher about coaching the team, meanwhile, the Browns are talking to Mangini about coaching their team. Madness. Martz is fired, apparently Singletary is going to be kept on as head coach. That's three firings in three years for "Mad" Mike. Not good to have that kind of job history on the old resume.

MLB Rumor Mill: Apparently, three teams are interested in Derrick Turnbow. THREE TEAMS. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Other MLB Rumors: The Dodgers are talking to Adam Dunn. They're tired of waiting for Manny to make up his mind. I am tired of all of this waiting and wish everyone would pull their heads out of their asses and do something. All I have to say about Dunn is that if he signs with the Dodgers, you're looking at maybe 35 homers (Dodger Stadium is where power hitters lose all of their power), so you're left with some terrible defense in left field, and a .215-.230 average. AWESOME. The guy is an OBP machine, but the average is just a downer. Hopefully he keeps "In The Air Tonight" as his batter walkup music.

Great. Carlos Boozer is going to have knee surgery. I should have taken Deluxe's dumb-ass trade when I had the chance. I think it was Dalembert and Rashard Lewis for the Booz. Whatever.

All right, that's all I've got. Happy New Year Bitches!!!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Hey Oogie

Two days left in the year. That leaves precious little time to accomplish everything you wanted to accomplish. I suggest giving up and quiting and not even trying. Laziness is awesome and should be embraced. Unless you want to find a mate. Then you can't be lazy. It's basically a life choice. Either be lazy and happy 99% of the time or workout and get fit and work hard and then find a trophy wife and be happy the 1% of the time she lets you do things to her. 5% if you are brave enough to do things to her while she sleeps.

Anyway, time to dish out some good New Year wishes for the crew, clearly ripping off the Christmas gift idea from last week:

Beth - That fmbeth never finds out about this place and that anyone at this place never finds out fmbeth's true identity.

Blue - That the hot secretary forgets to wear her clothes one day and that you bring a camera that day.

Keith - A non-temgagement.

El Tardo - A quick and painless divorce, the divorce is coming, nothing can stop that, so hopefully it will be quick and painless.

Sports Ho - Directions to my crotch.

Andy - That someone in your town opens up a bait shop and that you find Deke's time masheen.

El Pad - Good luck with the barber and hope that eventually everyone will stop ripping on you for being gay.

Rev - A year with no hospital scares.

Tyler - A year with no paternity law suits.

Freak - A girl who isn't just using your for your money.

Kod - Some wicked father's day gifts from your new kids.

Zeke - A non-temgagement.

Spiff - The ability to get a Kathy Ireland nude pic. If anyone can do it, you can.

TMQ - A 2,000 word limit to your column.

Stiggy - A return to this place.

Jug - A job, preferably one that allows LOV access.

Skunkpatch - For someone to tell you that nobody really cares what you think about baseball, girls softball, coffee, planes or anything other than football. You should just be happy people care what you think about football.

TP - Another healthy year, another step closer to being the world's oldest man.

Mills - For people to stop calling your kid an alien...I kid, I kid.

Cumfast - Some brains.

Steve - Even more increased hilarity. You showed you can write normally for at least a couple hours, so you ain't dumb.

Iam - For people to quit calling you Hootie and finally realize that Darius is a real country name and a real country star. Keep up the good work Hoot, er Darius.

Whitlock - Respect from folks, you ain't weak.

Stumpy and Friends - More press passes. Yes I know it's not Stumpy, I don't care, Stumpy is funny.

MVN - A shovel, 7 trash bags, an open field with nobody around for hours. You know what to do.

H - A big break for the band, or to realize your full potential and just change your name to John Popper Jr. and to go on tour as The New Blues Traveller.

Dr. Z - Just be happy I even wrote your name.

That's all. So best of luck in the New Year to everyone.


OK just for kicks I am putting a tem movie review in:

The Uninvited

This movie is a sequel/prequel of sorts to Wedding Crashers. It is basically just like the sequel to Dumb and Dumber, so yeah, it sucks. Anywho, it stars some no-name punks who look like a young Vince and young Owen. Except they aren't funny in any way. They never get invited to parties (hence the title). So they decide that the need to crash the big Hike School party.

So whilst planning to crash the big Hike School party they figure they need dates, so they come up with a plan to create a chick using some sort of weird science. So they create this super hot chick but before they can create another one the masheen blows up.

So they have like a week for this hot chick to make them cool. Hilarity ensues and finally the time comes for them to crash the party. They get to the party and totally can't get in. You know, because they suck. So then hot chick shows up and gets them in by showing off her rack. Works every time. So now that they are with the hot chick the cool girls start paying attention to them. The cool girls find out that the losers are really winners and ditch their jock boyfriends.

So the jocks get pissed and beat the shit out of the kids. You'd think the hot chick would help, but she is doing the star football player, turns out she is a whore. Without the hot chick there to save them the dorks get beat to a bloody mess and the hot hike school chicks realize that jocks are cool.

3 helmet stickers out of 5 for nudity involving many hot chicks and for a good lesson that dorks shouldn't aspire to nail hot chicks until they have money.

Monday, December 29, 2008

IN YOU FACE, BOSTON!!

Fantastic week 17 in the NATIONAL FOOYBALL LEAGUE, topped off by the Pats being eliminated from playoff contention. The Super Bowl loser curse is suite, especially when that loser is the Pats. And not only do they not make the playoffs with an 11-5 record, but Brady is struggling with his recovery from knee surgery. Add to it that the Yankees landed all the big name free-agents whilst the Red Sux were skunked, it looks like the Operation: Fuck Boston jinx is well under way. Good work by everyone involved.

Another IN YOU FACE goes out to the Broncos, too. You had a 3 game lead with 3 games left and you couldn’t get it done. The good part in this is that we can all bet against Norv Turner next weekend. And we might get to see Tomlinson sitting on the bench again in a playoff game. Good times all around.

A third IN YOU FACE goes to the Tempa* Bay Bucs for blowing your playoff birth by losing at home to the Raiders. Really, all you had to do was beat a terrible team to get into the playoffs, and you let Michael Bush beat you. RIP Tempa* defense, you were a magnificent sonofabitch.

The Deeeetroit Lions made us all happy and went defeated this year. Too bad Matt Millen couldn’t have lasted through the entire season. This would have been a great way to finish off his legacy. In other news, mize was at the game. Contrary to previous reports, Mike McCarthy did not axe him to suit up.

In other newz, UFC PPV was pretty suite. Some good fights with lots of action, and none of them went the distance. Rampage’s KO of Silva was nice work. Seeing a dude go limp from 1 punch is pretty creepy, but I could watch it a thousand times. If Frank Mir fights like he did on Saturday night, he’ll beat Lesnar pretty handily. The only shitty part of the night was we ended up with 4 chicks going with us, and for the hour we waited for the PPV to start, all they talked about was The Hills. If I had a gun I would have shot myself in the face.

That is all. Go talk.

Friday, December 26, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Where I Stand :
Cash $608
Picks 45-42-2

Cash, dwindling. Week 17, the worse. Who's resting who needs it. Who will fall flat on thier face.
Who I want to fall flat on thier face (Cowboys) and a 8-8 team getting into the playoffs as a #4 seed. Let's start with that game.

Chargers are giving 9 maybe even 9.5. Those are some points right there. I don't know if I want to touch that. Chargers are hot, since stumbling to 4-8 they've won 3 straight but one was by the pube of Norv Turner's vadge. I'm gonna ride the "punk" Cutler. Gimme the points for $100.

*Editor's note: Funny how the Chargers are calling Cutler a punk when they have a QB who is a giant punk. I like how that works.

Philly. C'mon Philly. Don't you guys hate the Cowboys as much as us Yankees? WWBFD. Serious, if Ben Franklin and Yosemite Sam were pitted against each other in a steel cage match with special guest referee Rowdy Roddy Piper who would win? Assuming Yosemite has to leave his pistols with the announcers of course. Do something for once, for once do something, make your town proud. Stop being fat, lazy, sacks of shit. The Phillies did it. And no one saw that shit coming. I shouldn't bet with emotion but I can't help myself. Give me the Eagles at the Linc, $50. (Wish the weather forecast was colder and shittier)

Ravens have a must win, Jags are playing for pride I guess. Maybe the Mike Smith hire in Atlanta had an impact on some Jacksonville players. Who knows. They sucked ass this year when most people, including me, thought they were hot shit. Funny, they waltzed into Steeler country last January and beat the Steelers, pretty much the same team. This year they have 5 wins. And they won't get 6. Not in Baltimore with a playoff spot on the line. Ray Lewis would murder a fool before that happens. (murder jokes are grate). Give me the Flying Flacco's for $200. LAYING 12.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miami is getting a couple from the Jets. Who blew thier season like 5 times but still could possibly end up playing January football. I love the NFL. Wait. Wait.

The Dolphins are getting 2 points. But isn't the script already written? Can't we just turn to page 789 in the "Jets Shit The Bed Again, Minus the Testeverde Achilles Tear" book? Where it says, small town Tennesse boy who was drafted by The New York Jets, played relatively well for 7 years until discarded for a 40 year old aging legend comes back to NY to eliminate the very team he played for with the Dolphins, a team which the year before won 1 game. 1 game. Pennington, in the drawl that has become likeable, dead pans after the game, "Old people die, that's just what they do".

Give me the fins +2 please. I would like to wager $150. And if you think Parcells is not reading Coach Sparano's gameplan like Moses read the commandments your crazier than kodiac130.

Quick hits for a minute:
Tampa -14 takes out the frustration on Oakland. I think. $50
Arizona -6 gets in January shape? I think? $25
Bears +2.5 win in Houston? $25

That's about all I got.
Happy Kwanzaa Steve!




Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas!

And what's a better way to celebrate Christmas than watching something blow up?



God bless us, everyone.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

I had this weird dream last night, which is pretty weird in-and-of-itself because I normally never remember any of my dreams. So I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, and I said something like, "Well, it's going to be interesting when Obama takes office because there are a lot of problems". So then my friend said, "What are you, racist? Do all black people look alike to you?" I was a little confused, so I said, "Dude, what are you talking about?" He replied, "Man, everyone knows that Dennis Haysbert is the President Elect, not Obama." I said, "Wait a minute, the Allstate commercial guy?", and he said "Yeah, he defeated Obama in a run-off". Then he explained to me that he was a last minute write-in candidate, it was too close to call between him and Obama, so they had a run-off election and he won in a landslide. He mentioned that people were impressed by the fact that he had previous Executive experience. I said, "Because he played the President on 24?" and he said that he was so convincing in that role that all they had to do is play clips from the show and people though he was the incumbent. So then I asked, "But what about his role in Major League?", and my friend answered, "McCain brought that up in the first debate, but he kind of came off like a condescending a-hole when he did it. It actually turned into a hot-button issue and caused McCain's downfall". I asked my friend if he was shitting me and he said, "No, look it up on wikipedia if you don't believe me". So I looked it up on wikipedia, and, sure enough, it happened exactly how he described it.

I think this is why I try not to remember any of my dreams.

So, it's that time of year, and since Christmas is tomorrow, I have made a list of things that I would get everyone where if I had the money.

Beth - No shocker here, I would for some giant fakies. Just a ginormous set of bolt-ons. And she would be required to send me pictures of them pressed against glass everyday.

El P - Money. He's a capitalist and he lives in NYC, so that's all he really wants/needs. I'd try and give him enough to cover his credit card debt. Hopefully he doesn't blow it all trying to double-up by taking the Raiders +13 this weekend.

Zeke - Zeke is tough to shop for. A maybe a new 401k?

Spiff - $200 million so the Angels can resign Mark Teixeira. I hate Scott Boras. (EDITOR'S NOTE: I wrote this yesterday before he signed with the Yanks. Sorry, Spiff).

Iam - A basement recording studio so he can become the Timbaland of country music.

Kod - Adrian Peterson for a day, so Kod can sit on the couch while AP sprints to the refrigerator and back to get him CLs. Or a job in a city with a warm climate. Jeebus, Kod, seriously, you should move.

Freak - A real job, so he can move out of his parent's house and start the path toward adulthood.

Tem - I would send two strippers to the Temcondo and then wire him some extra money for the "after party" to make sure there was a happy ending.

Andy - Five minutes playing time in a Milwaukee Bucks game. If Ahmad Rashad can pull some strings and get in a Sixers game, I'm sure the Bucks will take my money.

Keef - Lots of alcohol. Because he's going to need it in a couple of months after the honeymoon wears off.

And that's all I've got. Mary* Christmas.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Look, Read, Laugh

OK now tem is ready to write. Of course putting this at the top of the page is going to confuse people. Tough. Initially I just posted pictures, now I am posting a real post. I left two pictures up for fun. The rest I took down. Tough.


TCS FINAL SCORES:

zeke 109
Andy M 72

Zeke started off slow, but pulled away at the end.

spiff 155
blue 115

I hope blue doesn't quit now.

el pad 58
jug 27

The worst match up of round 2. It's like neither side wanted to win.


keith 118
Tyler 14

Thanks for showing up Tyler. Kod would have gotten more points than that, but not 114 more.


In case you wondered the 1,2,3 and 5 seeds advanced.


ROUND 3 Match Ups To Start After The Holidays:

zeke vs spiff
keith vs el pad



I don't have the energy for a movie review. I suck.



Monday, December 22, 2008

No more pencils, no more books

Well as of today I am officially done with school. Like, forever. Thank God, too. Shit is stressful and takes up all my time. I hated every minute of it, but I don’t ever have to worry about it again. But now that I won’t need to be online studying just about every night, my LoVAD & LoVWE participation might take a little hit.

WWL comment…“Exactly what Charger fans want: Rematch for the division. No excuse. Hochuli never happened.” Um, numbskull, if Hochuli never happened, this game wouldn’t be a must win for the Chargers.

In case you missed any of the action from LoVWE, apparently mize & kod think that mize is the “realest dog” in LoV. Yes, mize, who played a character known as “deke” for 2 ½ years. Feel free to mock them both.

As much shit as I give EP about the GGGGGGGGGGGmen, I can’t deny that they are a solid as. team. With that running game, they are gonna be tough to beat when it counts. Rotating between Jacobs/Ward is going to wreak havoc for anyone they face in the playoffs. Titans/Giants Super Bowl would be a suite game to watch with bolth* of those running games.

Weekend was alright. Went to a Chrismas* party on Saturday night which was decent. Not many people there, but that was fine because there was lots of booze. Left the party and went to the ol’ gentlemen’s club. It’s one of those places that doesn’t have a full lineup of hot chicks because of its location. But it’s about 100 times better than it was 5 years ago. But even though the talent isn’t A+, it’s a solid B, and solid B talent makes them work harder for their money. So there you go.

Softball update. This is the first time I’ve played in a few weeks, so we started a new season tonight. Split the double header and I went 4-6 with a walk. It was cold, too. I had to bust out my stocking cap. And fuck everyone who tells me that this isn’t cold. I know I don’t live in the Rockies, the midwest, or the northeast. But I live here, and it’s cold for here, so go fuck yourself.

Today is the last day of the 1st round of the TCS. I don’t know the official scores, but I’m guessing spiff is ahead of blue by about 100 points now. We really need to just give spiff the TCS crown right now.

Let's do this

Friday, December 19, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Where I Stand:
Cash $1008
Picks 44-38-2

Pittsburgh -2 over Tennessee ($200)
Who wants to play the Steelers right now? Great article in this weeks SI (yes I still get SI to the house and yes I still think it's relavant) about the 3-4 Zone Blitzing scheme. Dick Lebeau is a hell of a coach. I'm leaning towards putting Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl. My only concern is the o-line. But they seem to have a knack for protecting Ben on game winning drives.

San Fran -6 over St. Loo ($150)
I still don't know how Dallas lost to St. Louis. Like really. Even Shaun Hill can beat them.

Tampa Bay -3.5 over San Diego ($150)
The Stylez G. Whites get it done at home. They need it to get back on track. Whales vagina has a yeast infection.

Washington +6 over Philly
Philly plays great three weeks in a row and now they are favored by a TD on the road. Yeah sure. Skins ressurect themselves and play a good game. Win, lose or draw (it could happen) they most certainly cover.

Atlanta @ Minnesota over 43 ($250)
Over is 8-2 in MIN last 10 games in Week 16.
Over is 6-2 in MIN last 8 games overall.
Over is 9-4 in MIN last 13 games on turf.
Over is 11-5 in ATL last 16 vs. NFC.
I mean that's some damning evidence there. You got the gun, the smoke, the body, the ballistics, the DNA, you got it all.

Think Arizona has no shot in Masshole but don't like the line. Pats are one injury away from calling up Vinny Testerverde to play linebacker. The Denver line is big, even though Buffalo blows again. I'd like to buy into Houston but something goofy can happen in Oakland right? Speaking of goofiness in Oakland the Jets lost in Oakland in week 2. Who's to say they will win and cover in the final home game for Mike Holgrem? They are also o-fer this year travelling out west. Dwight Howard is a man. He's not 40 but he's a man. Colts are in, No 5. seed. Thursday night games are dumb. NFL Network should look into Sat night games. They are the better.

Roy went for 52.

I got a message from J.J. No way they blow 27 games next year. It's impossible.

Today we are having our Holiday party or as I like to call it, The Christmas party. I'm overseeing the sausage and peppers. I made a hot batch and a suite batch. Both can be used as US Currency. Just go to your local bank and deposit a bowl of S&P. One bowl is $10. Bet you didn't know that. The Bakery smelled so good this morning. I wanted to rape those pastries (and the girl at the counter who looks like she is 16 but has the body of a 24 year old sorority sister) . The bread I got was piping hot, i ate half a loaf in the car (now i know what fat people go through). Couldn't resist. It as if I was sitting on the lap of a big breasted women for an hour and she was topless and asking me to feel her boob. I had to. It was so tempting. Deck the Halls bitches.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Mailing It In.

As previously reported: Furcal might sign with the Braves. That dirty, goddman, sun*-of-a-bitch. As Zeke said, now I gotta go out and buy a goddman Braves Furcal jersey. Or wear my Dodgers Furcal jersey and pray I end up on Straight-Cash-Homey. Man, I am really going to be pissed if he signs with with Atlanta. The ONE TIME I go out of my way to buy a jersey and the guy plays 3/4 of a season in two years and then goes and signs with another team. Thanks, asshole. And memo to Dodgers Management: Hey dickheads, you gonna spend some of that money or what? I love how the Dodgers just sit back and wait for other people to dictate how much money they should spend. Because the players really LOVE when you do that.

::Begin Seinfield voice:: What. Is the deal. With all of these NBA head coaches getting fired? ::End Seinfield voice::

Seriously tho, what's going on here? Yes, your team is off to a bad start, but do you really think that firing the coach 20 games into the season and having an assistant coach the team to five more wins is gonna help? And you still gotta pay the coach you fired. Might as well keep the coach 'til the rest of the year, make his life a living hell and pray that he quits. Like, let's say you trade for Darko and demand that he plays 35 minutes and night and that he be the focal point of the offense. No coach would be able to put up with that. I love it when these teams give these coaches 4 or 5 year deals because they NEVER make it past three years. Seriously, in 2010/2011, when Ray Allen's feet fall off of his ankles, and KG has noticeably slowed down but he still has the same intensity but now it just pissing everyone off when he gets in their faces, and Paul Pierce's vagina starts giving him trouble again but he still manages to put up 25 shots a game and they suck and miss the playoffs, Doc is going to be the fall guy. But he won't be remembered for that. The most asked question will be, "Whoa, how did Doc win a championship as coach? No, seriously bro, HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Did like five teams die in one horrible airplane crash? Because, I mean, that's the only way to explain how that happen." ESPN will run a "Top Five Reasons Doc Won a Championship as a Coach" and none of them will involve Doc and his coaching prowess.

Wow. That last paragraph took a pretty wild turn. I don't even remember what it was supposed to be about. Oh yeah. Don't sign an NBA coach to a long-term deal, you're just setting yourself up to negotiate a buyout at some point.

Gerald Wallace has had a pretty bad week. His Grandmother died, so he took some days off for her funeral. He gets back to Charlotte and immediately has to get back on a plane when he found out that his father died. Man, that sucks.

I don't know why they would do this, unless Dantony is seriously trying to assemble the terrible half of the Suns roster from the 2003-2006 years, but ESPN has the following on their rumor page: "The contracts of Diaw and Bell match those of Eddy Curry and David Lee..." If I was Paul Shirley, I'd get my agent on the phone and ax him why Dantony hasn't called yet. "Yo man, I was a part of that magical 54-win 2004/2005 season. You NEED me!"

Speaking of the Knicks, I've been a little out of the loop, what's the latest with Marbury? Are they seriously going to pay him to stay at home? Jeebus. I really need one of these NBA contracts.

Speaking of crazy contracts, Jerry Porter was placed on IR. He had 11 catches this year. He earned a million dollars per catch. I really need to get one of these NFL contracts.

Speaking of the NFL, My Christmas Wish this year is for for a some kind of device that will block the Cowboys, Tony Romo and T.O. from appearing on my TV. Enough already, we get it! Shit is fucked up! Stop talking about it! Fuck!

More football news: the Chiefs GM resigned. Yeah, thanks for the great job; here's a gold watch, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Hey, remember that time you traded for Joe Montana and we still didn't make the Superbowl? Man, it must suck to live in Kansas City AND to have you football team suck at the same time. That's just rough. Because just living in KC would be enough for me to commit ritual suicide.

El P reported this yesterday, but the article he linked really didn't really do the story justice. Greg White is changing his name to Stylez G. White. He got the name from the movie Teen Wolf. Here's some quotage: "White said he picked his new name from a character in the 1985 movie 'Teen Wolf,' starring Michael J. Fox. 'That was his best friend’s name,’ White said. 'I always liked that name. It’s not that I don’t like Greg White.’ In the movie, Fox’s friend is named Rupert 'Stiles’ Stilinski. White changed the spelling and adopted the name as his own." Alls I have to say is; freakin' AWESOME!

This just in: Zorn admits he's totally in over his head and asks a reporter at the press conference for a valium. How you can start off on fire, look like world-beaters then have it all go into the crapper this fast is beyond me. With their start, they should have been able to coast into a playoff slot. I dunno man, it's pretty hard to be a Skins fan.

That's all I've got.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

TCS Round 2

It starts now.

First off some quick hitters:

Is it general "so's" chicken or general "sow's"?

If the Biggest Loser is such a reality hit, why don't they have the Biggest Gainer where they have anorexic chicks (or dudes I guess) gaining weight?

I saw the aftermath of a car wreck this morning that involved a garbage truck, a convertible and two cars that I could not identify.

Now TCS:

Seed #8 - The eighth seed barely squeaked by. They had a good showing early on in Round 1 but faded away. They were nearly ousted by Kod, but Kod didn't close it out at the end. Anyway, coming in with 23.5 Round 1 TCS points is Tyler.

Seed #1 - Basically the juggernaut of this competition so far. This guy hits all the open walls and has a knack for the natty z and premie z. Early on he was nailing the older/newers, that part of his game faded away, but the walls and z's remained. Keith rolls into the #1 seed with 99 points.


#1 vs #8 Preview - Keith should run away with this one. He is an early 60 point favorite.




Seed #7 - The seventh seed goes to someone who is "new" to LOV, but that didn't stop him from piling up some early Round 1 points. Right now his health is in question though, so a strong round 2 performance is questionable. Andy M rolls in at #7 with 34 TCS points.

Seed #2 - A mind bottling slow start for the #2 seed kept him down early, but late in Round 1 he put up point totals that were equal to Keith's. Zeke claims the #2 seed with 61 TCS points and comes into Round 2 as one of the favorites to win it all.

#2 vs #7 Preview - This is the battle everyone had hoped for. Some call it the quitter's match, some call it the born again match. Zeke is a big favorite in this one at -25, but don't count out Andy M. He might have a trick or two up his sleeve.




Seed # 6 - 38 TCS points secured the 6 seed for this competitor out of Colorado. This competitor showed solid all around skills, but might be down a bit after having missed out on the 3 seed by only 8 points. Blue claims this spot.

Seed # 3 - Amazing linking skills landed this person at #3. 44 points, pretty much all from links, was all this guy needed. Bringing both quality and quantity to the links this person is the dark horse pick by many to win it all. Spiff claims this spot as a linking legend and will no doubt use those skills to rack up some more points.

#3 vs #6 Preview - The judge decided against awarding Spiff a free pass to round 3 based on the fact that the Michelle Pfeiffer links could have been Michael Pfeiffer. Spiff will have to earn his way into round 3, but will receive a +10 bonus to start the round. The Pfeiffer pics were solid efforting. Blue will have to overcome this deficit, it will be fun to watch to see if he can. Spiff is a 20 point favorite here (that takes into account his 10 bonus points).




Seed #5 - El Pad rolls into the 5 seed with 39 TCS points. El Pad is a New York style blogger who brings a good all around game to the playing field. From links to HDH he has a well rounded game.

Seed #4 - 40 TCS points gave Jug the 4 seed. Jug brings some NASA style to the TCS and nobody should ever count out NASA. If only "going here to see this" links were worth points Jug would be a favorite to win it all.


#4 vs #5 Preview - This one is a pick em folks. Nobody knows who is going to win. It is NYC vs NASA, the fight everyone has been hankering to see.



All Round 2 is on, it goes through Keith's post next monday then we take a break until after the hollidays for round 3.

Get to it!

Monday, December 15, 2008

It’s cold here

Y! college bowl pick ‘em
Group id: 7099
Pathword: poon.
Sign up now. There are only 5 people so far.

What a weekend. Two holiday parties, a retard winning the Heisman, and I made a bomb as. spaghetti and meatball dinner for my mom’s birthday. This place has the better recipes. (s) But seriously, Sam Bradford looks like the midget kid on Little People Big World. I also recruited 2 cronies for centsports at the party on Saturday night, so maybe I can make another $.01-$.02 per week. I’m going to try to get up to $10 in the next 30 days so I can cash out and take it to Vegas with me and live it up big pimpin’ style. I went 4-1-1 on my NFL bets this weekend. EP, if you want some betting advice for the upcoming week just let me know.

WWL headline: “Vikes QB Jackson burns Cards for 4 TDs”. Hilarity…so much for the Cardinals being for real.

Merry Christmas everyone. Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. Hmmm, I should probably be putting all these links in the comments. Oh well.

Zeke’s name for 1 day is going to be “You like my jersey?” and his pic will be this. I googled “Redskins suck” and that’s the pic that came up. (ns)

I don’t have any funny stories about pissing in ovens or anything this week. So I will end it right here. And today is the last day of the qualifying round of the TCS, so let’s get to it.

Friday, December 12, 2008

asdgghtyejv

El pad was in the hospital with baby elp until 4am this morning.

So get off the tit and pick your own fucking games. Use my past teachings. You will not fail.

Editors note: The tit is back.

Where I stand
$1408
44-36

Miami -6.5 over SF (100 sticks)
Dink and dunk. Shaun Hill makes some mistakes.

Titans -3 over Texans (300 jujubees)
Only 3 points? WFT.

Atl -3 over Tampa (150 eggrolls)
The shine was worn off the run D in Charlotte. Atl mighty good at home.

P.S. Giants getting 3, do what you want with that information.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Don't you just hate it when 4 AM roles around and you haven't made a post yet?

I do.

Apparently the Mets traded for JJ Putz. I'm unsure, but I think they just signed a closer. Please someone confirm this. Thanks in advance.

CC, I wish for his sake he stayed in the NL. I just think it will end badly in NY. He clearly doesn't want to be there. Heck, I would have taken him with the Brew Crew just because it would have been such a good rivalry. But dude got his. Money money money.

I've spent the better part of the last half hour talking to someone who claims to be a 13-year-old from israel. Whoever it is clearly doesn't know english, but it may just be Steve. Apparently this is the myspace for israel.

I'm sad to see Kerry go. Dude was a Cub, through and through. Treat him right cleveland.

I wouldn't be shocked to see the Nats get Manny. Granted, it would be strange, but I can just see washington making a ridiculous offer and Boras running up and sayind, "SOLD!"

why derrick rose stabbed himself

I have videos, but tem said I don't get credit if they are in my post, so they will be "frist."

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Buying a Stairway...to Heaven.

Ok, this FNBA trade, what are we doing about it? Holla. I guess I'm just going to let it take the entire time to go through, unless most of the league has a problem with it.

Alright, so, FINALLY some movement in the MLB. I said this yesterday, but El P, I really don't think you understand what you're getting into with the Mets signing K-rod. When he's got a one run lead; he's lights out. Anything more than that and he likes to make it interesting. And when I say he likes to make things interesting, I'm saying he likes to load the bases and let some runs score before he shuts it down. Not good for El P's blood pressure. And what are they going to do with Wagner? I guess they're just going to pay him to recover from surgery and then decline his 2010 option. Unless they're going to pay him $8 mill to be their set-up guy. Speaking of the Mets set-up guy, they need one. And another starter or two.

Peavy-watch continues. I don't know what day we're on. Cubs ownership problem is the main issue right now. Oh, and Peavy has $63 million guaranteed over the next four years.

Whoever writes the teasers in the sidebar for ESPN needs to pimp-slapped. "Giants make pitch to CC". Ha! Get it? Cuz CC is a pitcher and the Giants are trying to sign him! It's funny! Please die.

Kid Bro Sweets unloaded on Zorn on the radio yesterday. He kind of used the A.I. "practice?" defense. Things don't seem to going too well for the Skins lately.

Cavs have been playing out of their minds lately. Nine straight wins by at least 12+, and their average win margin is 21.5, which is just insane. BUT, just like the Rockets streak last year, there have been a lot of home games and it's been against a lot of weak teams. Atlanta, the Knicks twice, the Thunder, Golden State, the Bucks, Indiana, Toronto. Basically, their toughest game in the streak was at Charlotte. It's still impressive, and their next six games are pretty nice too. Philly twice in a row, Atlanta, Minnesota, Denver, and the Thunder. However, 5 of those games are on the road. So, we'll see what happens.

Matt Jones, you are an idiot.

And that's it. I know y'all are just scrolling through this to get frist! anyway.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Texas Should Have Won More Games

I really dislike it when businesses put signs up that say they were doing something "Since 2005." That was 3 freaking years ago. That sign tells me that you have no experience, I should not trust you. Unless the year was at least 10 years ago don't put a "Since" sign up.

Kevin McHale took over as the Wolves coach. He hasn't coached "Since 2005" and he was 19-12 then. So it must be a good move...wait? what's that? The Wolves just suck. This won't help them at all. All it will do is make it easier for the owner to give McHale the boot.

Well let's talk about the Bucs/Panthers...or as my little cousin calls them the Pantlers....Anyway, I guess Monte must have spent too much time recruiting for TN and not enough time watching the running game of the Pantlers. Jeez-a-lou that was some bad defense. On the flip sign Antonio Bryant made one hell of a catch in the end zone. It was pretty.

Well I guess it is time to start the TCS. The following are the rules for the TCS.

1st Round is this post through Keith's post next Monday. It includes LOV AD and LOV WE.

The 1st Round will feature no head to head match ups it is Rotisserie or however that is spelled. The top 8 people advance to round 2.

Round 2 is from my next post through Keith's 12-22 post. If you are going on vacation tough. Round 2 will be seeds 1 vs 8, 2 vs 7, etc.

TCS takes a holiday break and resumes with Round 3 starting with my 1-6 post.

Round 4, the final round starts with my 1-13 post and goes through Keith's 1-19 post.

I will give periodic updates to the scoring.

During round 1 a person can get no more than 100 points on a single post.

In the event of a tie I will break the tie with a trivia question that hopefully can not be looked up on the intraweb.

Scoring is as such:
comments that make me laugh are worth 1 or 2 points, depending on the comedy level.
comments with funny HDH are worth 1 point.
comments with stupid HDH that appears forced are worth -2 points unless noted by an asterisk indicating you did it on purpose.
comments with links to nekkid celebs I have never seen before are worth 2 points
comments with links to nekkid people I don't want to look at are worth -2 points.
comments with links to nekkid normal people I have never seen before are worth 1 point.
comments that would resemble a good temrant are worth 2 points.
spamming comments is worth -5 points. i alone determine spamming.
natty Zs are worth 2 points.
premie Zs are worth 2 points.
properly timed walls are worth 2 points
bad walls are worth -2 points.
cumfastery on links is worth -2 points.
messing up then/than will not be punished, if that happened some people would have negative scores.
by the by, accepted lov vernacular, like suite, holier then now, etc will not be penalized.
properly hitting older, newer, sparta and rev is worth 2 points.
messing up older, newer, sparta and rev is worth -2 points.
comments that otherwise are impressive but not specifically noted above are worth 1 or 2 points. this is a catch all category because the above rules don't capture all the awesomeness that is spewed here.
remember during round 1 a person can get no more than 100 points on a single post.




OK, no movie review today because I am running late.

Oh and I am not eligible to win the TCS and the winner of the TCS will get a fabulous prize pack of things I find in my office.

LET THE TCS BEGIN.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Texas got hosed

Man, what a weekend. I think I was home for a total of about 3 hours until now. I saw very little college fooyball yesterday, and saw 0 minutes of pro fooyball today. But I did drink a lot of goddman booze yesterday and spent a lot of goddman money at Costco today. I have a funny story about the weekend that I’ll get to in a minute. In the meantime, here is some random shit.

Congrats to TP on his boys making it to the title game. And it’s almost in his hometown. I’m guessing he already has his game tickets. Just like I said for the SEC title game, I think FU wins going away. OU’s defense is not good. And Bob Stoops is involved. FU wins 45-17. And Tebow enters the draft and is never heard from again.

WWL headline: Sources: Browns have Schottenheimer on radar. That is some hilarity shit.

Don’t forget the Y! college bowl pick ‘em that was set up a few weeks ago. Group id is 7099 and the pathword is poon. Winner gets nothing but a sweet trophy added to their Y! fantasy profile.

Hancock was an alright movie. I wasn’t expecting much from it, but it kept my interest throughout. 3.5 out of 5 helmet stickers. In case you didn’t know, Dark Knight comes out on DVD on Tuesday. Go out and buy it. Do it!!

OK, funny story time. Went down to Tucson this weekend for the ASU/UofA game. Fsil(the hot one) turnt 21 this week, so we went down and went to a bar to watch the game and get wrecked. The fsil (the crazy one) tends to sometimes get out of control when she goes out. And by out of control, I mean fucking retarded and needs carried around. So Saturday night was no different. We leave the bar about 9:00 and catch a cab back to the house, where she passes out on the couch. After a couple hours, she gets up and walks into the kitchen area where the other fsil is standing. She walks over and unbuttons her pants and pulls them down to her knees while we’re all sitting there wondering wft she’s doing. She reaches over and grabs the oven door handle and opens the oven. Then she starts to squat down like she’s going to piss all over it and her sister runs over and grabs her and basically carries her into the bathroom. And she doesn’t remember 1 minute of it. I was hammered at that point after about 10 hours of drinking, but it was the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. And I saw some bare ass. So there you go.

I’ve wasted enough of my time and your time with this. If you’ve lasted this long with the post, I’m sorry. If you didn’t read it, your a goddman retard.

Have at it!

Friday, December 05, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Some basketball that did not suck was on last night. Big twelve teams playing Pac-10 teams. It's Jimmy V week. Let the tears flow on various wwl pieces where that Chris Connel or whatever his name is stands in a desserted field and puntuates sad words then goes silent with violins in the background. Unrelated OJ simpson gets his jail sentence today. Mike Teel welcome back. I wish someone would sign a MLB contract so I can move on with my life. Still can't believe they Broncos loss to the Raiders. Looks like Sarkisian got the UW job. Charlie Weis is fat. Didn't we all say Terry Porter was a bad hire for that team?

Where I Stand:
Cash: $1583
Picks: 42-31

You guys want me to pick the big games in college right? I will oblige.
Throw a Benji on each......

Ball State -14 over Buffaro
The kid continues to shine.

BC +1.5 over Va Tech
I can't believe this line. Must be a trap. I don't give a shit. Va Tech is terrible this year, BC is gutsy, have good linebackers and smart football players.

Bama +10 over Florida
Man 10 is alot, I know Bama ended up beating no one in the SEC but who's to say that Florida did? The SEC was down as a whole this entire year. The LSU win doesnt look so good on Alabama's resume and the Georgia win lost polish on Florda's resume. Florida is the one with the shitstain loss, not the tide. Percy Harvin possibly missing this game is big, not monumental the way Todd McGay thinks but big nontheless. Listen there is no doubt Florida is playing lights out ok but they haven't played a good team or at least a team that play's as well as Alabama. I love points in big games where the team getting rushes the ball and stops the run. I love it like I love hot suace on beef patties. Yeah, that much.

Mizzou +17 over Oklahoma
Neither team can stop each other so I have to bet with a 17-0 lead here. Bradford's hand is the x-factor. A fumbled snap maybe? I don't know but Macklin/Daniels is just as potent as Bradford/pick a WR. Take the over for $50 while your here. It's Seventy fucking Nine.

Big Boys........

Zona -14 over St. Loo ($250)
This is like Boise on the blue turf vs a LA Tech or Idaho. Just not fair. I'll call this one, "Sodomy in the Secondary".

Jets -4 over San Fran ($150)
You know I never like to take the Jets but for some reason this is shaping up to be a nice rebound game for them. Ugly loss at home, get out of the fishbowl play in 70 degree weather against a bad team coming off a good win. Just makes sense to me. If this game were in the Meadowlands the Jets would be a 8-10 point favorite. Take the discount.

Pittsburgh -3 over Romo's ($150)
Pittsburgh's pass rush is filthy. And that's how you beat Romo.

Parlay for ya, 3 teams $25 to win $75
NYG -7 over Philly (Statement game)
Miami +1 over Toronto Bills (Damn shame)
Denver -9 over Chiefs (Revenge game)

Be calm kiss ya mom.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Blame Steve

Blame Steve, it's his fault.

Some links

baseball in civil war times

psuedo game about wind

universal decision maker

for anyone playing assassin's creed

kod's almost senator is a dick

the slackometer. put in your hourly wage and watch how much money you make while staring at the screen.

The Vikes willamses got an injunction to stop their suspension. We'll see how long that lasts. This whole thing is a mess. I keep waffling between sides. Players should know what they're taking, but if it's not listed as an ingredient, how are they supposed to know? The NFL's really in a no-win situation. If they uphold the suspensions they look like callous jerks who don't care about their employees. If the decisions are overturned, the NFL looks like pansies and anybody that gets caught after this will try to use this as a defense.

Crap, I wasn't going to write anything. I hope this doesn't bring me above D-.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Don't You Know About the Bird? Everybody Knows That the Bird is the Word.

The Bird is the Word.

So, this Plaxico saga is getting pretty redonk if you ax me. I need to start a "life-coaching" company where for a pretty hefty fee, a pro athlete gets assigned his own personal coach to hang out with him and to tell him what to do when he's not on the field. Like, Plax would have been told to leave the gatt at home, or, better yet, not go out at all and just stay home and play Xbox instead. There would also be 24-hour hotline, so, like, when Matt Jones is contemplating buying a couple of keys of coke, he could call up the hotline and he would be told "No, don't do that. Go bang one of those Jaguars cheerleaders instead. And wear a jimmyhat". My service would save athletes and teams a lot of money. And it would be just based on a little common sense.

Back to Plax, can't we just stop fighting the inevitable and get the Raiders to trade three number one picks for him? You know that's what's going to eventually happen. Then when he sucks for the rest of the career, no one will really care, because, you know, he'll be playing for the Raiders. And the Giants will get three first round picks, so, it's a win-win. Goodell, make some phone-calls. P.S. - I HATE the fuckin' Raiders.

De La Hoya/Pacquiao is this weekend. Oscar says he hasn't been in this good of shape in a long, long, long, long time. Yeah, I'm not buying it either. I think Pac-man destroys him. I was watching the De La Hoya/Pacquiao 24/7 and Bernard Hopkins showed up to Oscar's camp. Then they started talking about how Oscar is in the same position B-Hop was in about a month ago; everyone was writing him off. I just don't see it. Hopkins defended a title for 10+ years. Oscar's just ok. And his last couple of fights have been garbage. Pac-man is going to ruin Oscar's modeling career.

I can't believe I'm going to talk about Hockey, but Sean Avery got suspended indefinitely for talking about his ex-girlfriends. His comments were called "crude" and Commissioner Gary Bettman said Avery made "inappropriate public comments, not pertaining to the game". This is why the WNBA is threatening to jump the NHL in popularity. They should be giving Avery his own reality TV show, instead, they're suspending him. Indefinitely. Nice job, NHL. Next thing you know, they're going to hire Norv Turner as a Special Assistant to the Commissioner.

T-Mac is out three weeks with a sore knee. Shocking news. If T-Mac, Yao and Ron-Ron play 45 games together, I would be impressed.

I tried to some College Basketball last night. It was godawful, like it always is. Seven minutes in, and it was 7-0. And this was Duke and Purdue the #4 and #10 ranked teams, respectively. Purdue missed two gimmes right under the hoop. Nobody plays defense. Everyone shoots an ill-advised three that clanks off the rim. Unwatchable. Sorry, but I really hate College Basketball.

Is SOMEONE gonna sign an MLB contract already? This is getting ridiculous.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

My ankles click when I walk

Well we don't have much time here at the tem office to get this up and running, so let's just get to it. That's right, no fancy intro today. Instead of a fancy schmancy intro I am going to just get right down to the sports stuff, a temrant, news from mort and a movie review....and maybe a couple random things and another temrant. Who knows what I'll do, this could be better than Paul Blake's first Journalism 101 paper.

NFL News: Plax is screwed. 2 felony weapons charges aren't going to go away easily. It seems as though the cops want to make examples out of athletes and the such, so they are going to. Plax will do some time. Which is pretty stupid, but then again he is stupid. It isn't hard to register a weapon and get a conceal/carry permit....well it isn't hard in Ohio. Maybe it is hard in the NYC, but I can't imagine it is too hard. Anyway, Plax is gonna get some time for stupidity. Maybe the other players will learn to register their weapons and to hire body guards.

NHL News: San Jose has the most points, so they are the best, apparently. Lots of other teams have lots of points too, but not as much as San Jose. Go Sharks...or whatever.

MLB News: Apparently no free agent wants to sign anything yet. No news on this front. I am going to try to pool together some cash so the Pirates can make a run at Sabathia. I am up to about $7.59, I think that plus the allure of Pittsburgh plus the fact that CC can bat cleanup if he wants might seal the deal.

NBA News: Can't say I've kept up on this, but it really looks like a 3 horse race between Boston, Cleveland and the Lakers....sorry Portland. Fourth place in a horse race isn't worth squat.

temrant 1: Listen up people with SUVs. If you are going into a parking garage and you see an open spot, but there is a sign that says "COMPACT CARS ONLY" this means that you and your SUV need to park elsewhere. I can't even count the number of times I have seen some old lady pull her SUV into one of those compact car spaces and then not be able to open her door. I swear the car dealerships should force buyers to watch a movie about owning an SUV. Also it is pure hilarity when they pull their SUV into these spaces crooked. They end up being in 3 spaces at once, even though there are cars in the other 2 already. Sometimes I am not even sure how the other cars get out of their spot without hitting the SUV.

News From Mort*: Sources have confirmed to Chris Mortensen that the Browns are looking into bringing Jeff George back into the fold. They aren't comfortable with Ken Dorsey at QB and Romeo Crennell is a big George fan. Romeo needs to win now and he thinks his best chance is with Jeff George in control of the offense. Browns GM Phil Savage would rather see Trent Dilfer come back into the fold because of his Super Bowl pedigree and the fact that Dilfer has played for the Browns before. It will be interesting to see how this one pans out, a clear power struggle between two men who might be losing their jobs in the next 4 weeks.

temrant 2: Seriously, football announcers need to think before they speak sometimes. I was watching some game and the announcer said "the defense needs to swallow the surge here." Ummm, what? I know what he was talking about, but really swallowing the surge is something I'd expect (insert favorite porn star name here) to be doing. There was another one too that an announcer said, but I didn't have my notepad with me so I didn't write it down....Also I had no pen.

tem movie review*:

The Day the Earth Stood Still


The title of this movie is fairly misleading. If the earth stood still then gravity would get all screwed up and we would all fly out into space. That would be a shitty movie. This is not what happens. Although it would be pretty interesting for those folks up on the space station to see everyone fly into space and then die. I'm not sure how I would react to that but I can't imagine it would be good. The reaction would be worse if there were no female astronauts on board. This is precisely why NASA should have a rule about requiring at least one chick astronaut for all missions. If something goes wrong the dude astronauts need some tail.

Anywho, back to the review, this movie is really about a hyper active kid named Earth. He is pretty much like Cleveland Jr. on Family Guy, but not black. In fact he is some sort of Asian. Anyway, in this movie some Asian kid plays a hyper active kid who will never stop moving. His mom, played by Joan Cusak, can't seem to get him to stop. His dad, oddly enough played by John Cusak, can't either. (Side note: really it is about time those Cusak's just up and played a married couple. They play all sorts of other crap in movies and they clearly want to break some sort of gross boundary here as actors, so they should just get on with it. The Cusak's are gross.) So this kid runs around and runs around and they take him to all sorts of doctors and put him on drugs and stuff and nothing works. Then the kid gets in trouble and has to join the Army. Sucks for him, but the joke is on the Army because it sucks for them worse.

So the kid gets put into some special secret program in the Army and they get him to stood still. This is nothing short of miracle and after he stands still he becomes a super killing machine and kills all the terrorists in the world. World peace is achieved.

This sounds nice until you remember that this Asian kid is the offspring of John and Joan Cusak. Clearly the Cusak's are trying to send a message here about the viability of Cusak inbreeding. You'd think as a West Virginian (WaVaian for Keith) I'd be pro inbreeding, but nope, not really.

So, stop preaching to us Cusak's siblings, your movie is no good.

1 helmet sticker out of 5. Would be 0, but there were some kick ass ninja type scenes with the Asian kid.



* - Completely Made Up

Monday, December 01, 2008

B(ullshit)C(ollege)S(tandings)

What a retarded system the NC2A has in place. A couple weeks ago I was thinking that OU probably deserved to be ranked higher than Texas because of how they’re playing now. But now I think Texas got hosed. OU can put up the points, but they don’t know much about playing defense there in Norman. Texas beat OU, period, end of story. Texas should be playing Mizzou this week, it’s a shame that they have to sit at home and hope for a miracle. If OU ends up playing FU in the title game, they will get rolled.

Big game in the Georgia Dome this weekend. Here’s our chance to see Alabamer against a solid team for the first time since September. Bama’s offense is not good, but the D is solid. FU’s offense is muy bueno and their D is also solid. I think FU rolls in this game. Something like 45-10. (ns) And then Tebow has sexy time with every female in the greater Atlanta metro area.

While we’re on the subject, Beth must have been a ramblin’ wreck this weekend. Nice third quarter, UGH. Tech throws 6 passes all day and they put up 45 points. The triple option offense is awesome to watch, because for some reason teams can’t stop it.

I really wish USC had shown up against the Beavers in September because a USC/FU title game would have given me a rev-sized chub. Hands down, those are the two most talented teams in the country. SC should have no problem with Penn State in January. And yeah, I know SC still has to play UCLA, but I saw UCLA in person this weekend and they are a bad, bad team. To only give up 6 points on defense and still lose by 25 takes a lot of sucktitude.

Freak – Your name this week is “Notre Dame is the worse” and your pic is this.

Zeke – Your name this week is “If UM only had a QB” and your pic is this. And offer me up a trade for THE CAPTAIN. If you have a hot turd on your team, I’ll take him. Barbosa sucks.

I know this post sucks, but I just finished watching that Zohan movie, and I lost about 10 trillion brain cells during that 2 hours stretch. Worse.Movie.Evar.

Go comment!!

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino