Friday, October 31, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Where I Stand:

Cash $857.50

Picks 23-21 (beth is 2-1)

I hate it when the Jets are the early game. Next year the package is a must. Mzelpad wanted to know why Chad Bradford was throwing like a girl. I attempted to explain to her that he's throwing sidearm not underhand but it did not work. You know what I just realized. We haven't given Freak any grief over the Colts. It's painfully obvious the window has closed and not just closed but shackled down. As if a hurricane is coming. Sad. I blame Lucas Oil Field.

Why are you wearing your costume jokes are lame and tired. Punch people in the jaw if they say that to you. Halloween is here. When I was a single youngin' halloween was a gteed good night out. For whatever reason girls put out on Halloween. It starts with them wearing something totally slutty, then playing the part, then getting a golden shower somewhere in the wee hours. Good times. Good luck tonight Tem, we are all rooting for you.

I don't like any college games. I thought about taking the points in the Georgia game but I could see Florida whipping thier ass. So I'll advise you to stay away.

Tampa Bay -9.5 over KC (Straight Bet : $200)
Bucs 24, KC 3. And since it's as easy as that I would like to mention that for the most part, I don't like jewish people.

Arizona - 3 over St. Loo (Straight Bet : $200)
Bucking the trend. Alert: a west coast team travelling east for a 1pm start. But Kurt Warner returning the place where he put MVP trophies in his pocket like car keys is the bigger story. He throws for 338, 3 TD's and one giant christian smile. AZ rolls and breaks the win column for the west coast teams travelling east (even though it's not really east, east as in the seabord).

Green Bay +6 over Titans (Straight Bet : $150)
Green Bay wins outright (maybe). Rested, Grant and White/Johnson might combine for 70 rushes in this game. The x-factor in this game for the Titans is the speed of Chris Johnson. But the x-factor on the Green Bay side is a more important player. Aaron Rodgers. He makes some throws late that make 2% of the GB population to forget #4 and the great part about it is, he throws 0 picks this game. Something the Titans have had the benefit of having (plus ratio on those annoying turnovers). I also have some monster ATS numbers for you to chew on. GB are 11-3-1 ATS in their last 15 road games. That is money.

Off a the track for a minute I can't wait for the 12-4 Titans to host a playoff game. I like they way they play football.


Houston @ Minnesota under 47. (Straight Bet : $50)
This is just to appease the man they call Deke.

Bonus bet.....Knicks getting 8 points in Philly. They crowned they asses already. Ridiculous.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Yo Adrian... We did it!



It's 2am. I gotta be up in 5 hours. I don't care.

I remember all the ribbing I've taken here for over two years. I took it with good nature. I think someone here said going into these playoffs "It's Philly. You're not supposed to win."

Hell, a part of me actually believed that.

I don't have the words. I'm struggling to write this. Basically because I know some of you are not happy that this happened. And I'm actually trying to respect those of you who are not happy this happened. I feel your pain. I've been unhappy when other teams won that I didn't want to see win before, especially when my teams weren't winning. So a part of me does not want to rub it in. I've had it rubbed in on me many times, and it hurts. I know that.

Now... allow me to let loose the part of me that does want to rub it in...

EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT!

WE'RE THE GODDMAN WORLD CHAMPS! WE RULE BASEBALL! AND YOU HATERS HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT FOR ALL OF NEXT SEASON!

STICK IT UP YOUR ASS, NEW YORK!

GET THAT CRAP OUTTA HERE, TAMPA!

CHOKE ON THIS, LA!

YYYEEEOOOWWWWWW!!!

Damn, I enjoyed that!

And of course, I add WADR to those fine cities. I have visited all of them, and they are fine municipalities. Remember, I said WADR.

I have to tell you, winning a World Championship is a lot of fun. I highly recommend it if you haven't tried it before.

I forgot what this was like. I was 8 when the Phils won in 80. I was 11 when the Sixers won in 83. Jesus, I was 3 when the Flyers were winning Stanley Cups. This is a much better experience in your mid 30's I must say.

And thank you to the Baseball Gods who saw fit to suspend game 5, therefore allowing the championship to be clinched at a reasonable time so all of Philadelphia can truly enjoy it. It gave the fans more time to loot stores on Broad Street and set trash fires.

Bud Selig might even be a genius for all he did to have it work out this way.

(s)

Stay classy, LOV! I love ya! And much love from the City of Brotherly Love... home of the 2008 World Series Champion Phillies!

It stings the nostrils... in a good way!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Notice of Potential Third Party Contact

Buckeye Fan Update: They are divided into many camps right now. One camp is the "put Boeckman back in" camp. This camp is filled mostly with people who know nothing about football. The Buckeye O-Line is horrid for some reason. It shouldn't be, but it is. Anywho, Boeckman would get trampled back there and benching Pryor would make him cry. Another camp is the "fire all the coaches except Tressel" camp. This camp is filled with the people who think the Buckeyes are underperforming. They see a sure fire national title team and can't understand why they keep losing. The majority of this camp is filled with older people who know stuff about football, but are too high on the Buckeyes "talent." The final major camp is the "it if what it if" camp. This camp is filled with mostly younger people who think the Buckeyes just aren't that good. For the record Tem is in the "IDGAF" camp.

World Series Ump Talk: They are horrible. How the hell did these guys get the World Series gig? Did the umpire people take the worst umps instead of the best umps?? How the hell do you miss that game 4 call at 3rd base. You were two feet from the guy staring right at it and missed it???? Holy Moly. WTF is wrong with these guys??

Most unexpected injury yesterday: That Houston WR running into a band cart that just sitting pretty much right out of the back of the end zone. Jeez a Lou. I am not even going to bother defending Marshall on this one, why the hell is that cart sitting anywhere near the field? And don't even say "well it was further away than some of the big signs in the back of the end zone. Hey, there is a big difference between running into a padded wall/sign than running into a knee high metal cart.

Least unexpected injury yesterday: Well whoever had 13 minutes on the Greg Oden injury board wins. Second place goes to whoever had 2 and a half minutes because that's how long it took for him to get injured. What a fragile piece of human. If he were a dog or a horse they'd just put him down.

NHL Update: The Rangers have the most points, they must be the best team. Who knew?

NBA Update: Cavs still kind of suck. Celts looked horrible but the Cavs couldn't do anything.

Tem Movie Review: Soul Men


This movie stars the ghost of Bernie Mac. Seriously. He is the star and he died like 5 years ago, or 2 months ago, take your pick. Either way he did not film this before he died, his ghost filmed it afterwards. That's just what happened. This is a ghost movie which is why it is being released around Halloween.

So the director took full advantage of BMac being a ghost. He plays a soul. Because he is kind of transparent it works pretty well. Anyway, his job as a soul is to scare the living crap out of Samuel L Jackson. Basically make SLJ do SLJ things. Like scream and say swear words. It worked well. SLJ is in top form.

Random note, I heard that the director never told SLJ that he'd be working with a ghost. So in parts of the movie SLJ wasn't really acting scared, he was scared. Apparently SLJ is afraid of ghosts.

Well anyway, so BMac is scaring SLJ left and right and it is funny. Then some hot chick shows up and both BMac and SLJ want to get with her. Hilarity ensues and she ends up with the Urkel kid from Family Matters. I think that is a TWIST.

3 helmet stickers out of 5.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

2008/2009 Western Conference Preview.

Alright, it's officially basketball season. I've been saving this week's bad 80's song because it is basketball related. It's from the movie Teen Wolf and it's Win In The End by Mark Safan. Watch the video and count how many times they reused shots. And a couple of times they started filming before the director said action and they still put it in the film. Ah, the eighties.'

For those that hate the NBA and don't want to read my 15 scroller, here are the Comments.

Super NBA West Preview:

1. Lakers
I'm going to start by saying this; I don't like my rankings. This crap is hard to do when the West is as crazy as it is. The top eight teams that made the playoffs in the West last year all won at least 50 games, and the 8th place team was only seven games behind the first place team. SEVEN GAMES. Insanity.

So, I don't like putting the Lakers #1 but Spiff sez they will win the champ-yun-ship this year. They were also the #1 seed last year, and they're the defending Western Conference Champions. And they did that with Andrew Bynum playing about a half season. One question mark is Lamar Odom. Do they trade him? I dunno, it doesn't look like they can get a whole lot back for him. Coming off the bench seems like the best plan, but he's already said he's not feelin' it. I foresee there to be a lot of drama involved.

The upside; have you seen Andrew Bynum? Dood went nuts in the gym over the summer. If his knee holds up for the entire season and the playoffs, Jeebus, look out. And Pow! Gasol! is the perfect guy for the triangle, he can sit in the high post on offense and pick apart defenses, and Bynum can do all of the heavy lifting. Their frontcourt is finally solid.

One thing that really helped them last year was their bench. They were second to the Spurs in bench scoring, which is really an accomplishment because they didn't have a guy like Ginobili, who was basically a sixth starter. So I'm really looking at the Lakers bench to see what they do this year. If they play like they did last year, they're the #1 team in the best conference. If they're just average, they're the #2 team in the best conference.

Oh, and then there's Kobe. The one thing to worry about is that he played over 100 games last season, and then he played in the Olympics. So, he could tire out, but I think Phil and the crew will try and get him as much rest as possible. I could see him sitting out entire quarters when they're playing the Bobcats or the Grizzlies. He just has to avoid those small nagging injuries, like the hyperextended knee that he got playing in the preseason. He's an assassin though, so if it's late in the game and they're leading or it's close, he'll finish it. That's why he's Black Mamba.

2. Rockets
Yeah, I don't like putting them #2 either, but they made that Artest trade, and they finished percentage points behind the Hornets and the Spurs without him, so this is not out of the realm of possibilities. The reason I don't like putting them this high is because EVERYONE is going to rank them either #1 or #2. Hollinger will say they will win 77 games. I just don't like going with the crowd. They're a good team, but it can go very wrong very quickly.

Let's start with Artest. Not the most stable dude on the planet. Mix in Rafer Alston. Also not the most stable dude around. That's 2/5 of your starting rotation. Steve Francis is sitting at the end of the bench. Do you see a trend developing here? If there was a triple homicide in the Rockets locker room and it involved those three guys and they all stabbed each other to death, would you really be THAT surprised. Yeah, I didn't think so.

It is pretty nice to have TWO lock-down perimeter defenders in Ron Artest and Shane Battier though. I mean, a lot of teams would kill for that. There's some talk about Battier guarding Power Forwards, but I just don't see that happening. Artest starts, guards the other team's best wing player, and when he's tired or gets in foul trouble, you bring in Battier. That's a nice 1-2 right there.

And this Luis Scola guy. The Rockets stole him from the Spurs and he turned into a quality starter for most of the season. I really think he had a lot to do with that streak they went on and their push into the playoffs. He's one of those high-energy/glue guys that means more to the team that what his stat sheet reads.

Of course it's all about the chemistry and injuries for this team. Can Yao, T-Mac and Artest co-exist? Will Skip-To-My-Lou stab one of them in the neck? Can McGrady and Yao play more than 5 games together before they get injured? Lots of question marks here. I think they can make it work, and they've got the roster to match up against anyone. So it's really their position to lose.

3. New Orleans
Ok, I think that the Hornets take a step back this year. They might even fall down further than third. Last year they were great, but they really dodged the injury bug and I think it comes around and bites them in the ass this year. I mean, they're team All-Brittle; Tyson Chandler, David West, Peja Freakin' Styjakovic. One or all of those dudes is going down for an extended period of time at some point.

And, onto their major offseason acquisition: the Posey signing; it's ok I guess. I just don't know where they're going to play him, at the two? Bring him off the bench? And what does he do on offense besides shoot threes? I don't really get it. I guess they needed a guy to guard Kobe and Nash, but I don't really think he brings much else to the table.

One other thing that I see happening is that teams will really start to gameplan against Chris Paul. I think he's going to start to see a lot of stiff defensive schemes. And this is like the third year that Byron Scott has been the coach, and much like the George Karl Team Implosion™, Byron Scott has a tendency to wear out his welcome. So that could happen this year. And you've got Bonzi "The Ticking Timebomb" Wells sitting on the bench. Recipe for disaster. I'm just sayin'.

But the third isn't that bad of a spot for them. It really depends on when their injuries happen. If they get them out of the way early, or they happen in the middle of the season and they get everyone back in time for the playoffs and get a favorable matchup, they could move up. And really, you're looking a Lakers team at full strength and a much improved Rockets team at the top, so that's a lot of competition.

4. Jazz
They're here solely because they're in a terrible division. The Nuggets are declining (more on that later) and the Blazers aren't ready to take over the place yet. So, yeah, it's the Jazz in the four spot.

They've basically got the same team from last year, so I really don't know how much they can improve unless they make a trade. And it would have to be a big one. There have been rumors for years about the Jazz moving Kirilenko, but I just don't see it happening. Even for the Matrix. One interesting note is they've got like eight guys that can go into free agency at the end of the season, so this might be their last shot.

They will enjoy an entire year of Kyle Korver spreading the offense though, so maybe that will help with their win total, but now that Deron Williams is out with an ankle sprain, they've got some problems right at the start. Ankle sprains tend to linger, but even if he's not 100% for a couple of months, the midwest division is so terrible that I don't think it will set them back too much. I mean, unless their starting five all die in a bus crash, they're still good to go.

5. Trailblazers
Great young team, I'm probably putting them too far up here, but they've got a ton of potential. If no one gets injured, wow, they could really do some things. You really have to like their core; they've got a bunch of solid young players. Their starting five is looking pretty nice and they've got an excellent bench.

Obviously, the big name here is Greg Oden. He's the guy everyone's trying to dunk on. Don't expect him to have a big impact right away, the Blazers are going to bring him along slowly. He's coming off of microfracture surgery, so they're really going to be watching his minutes, especially in the first half of the season. This doesn't mean that he will have zero impact either. He will make them a better defense team and his presence will also let Joel Przybilla excel in the role he was born to play; bench guy who plays 20-25 minutes and racks up blocks and boards. Przybilla has been masquerading as a starter for a few seasons, and he's a good player, I just think he's better served coming off the bench. I think a tandem of Oden and Przybilla will be effective, but they're both injury prone, so we'll see how long they last. Don't be shocked to see Channing Frye, Ike Diogu, or Shavlik Randolph (bless you!) getting some time in the five hole come January.

The one glaring weakness they have is at the Point Guard position. It's just not good. Steve Blake is the starter and he's got a year left on his deal but he's earning the mid-level exception, which is a lot of money to be paying a dude that is in a time-share. They need an upgrade. Like yesterday. Sergio Rodriguez has been on fire in the preseason, which has left Jerryd Bayless out in the cold. They both have promise, but the team really does need a solid starter. In crunch time, you're going to see Brandon Roy handling the ball, with fireplug Rudy Fernandez at the two.

Speaking of Fernandez, they've got a pretty solid bench and I think bench play, much like it was for the Lakers last year, will be huge for them. You've got Fernandez and Travis Outlaw coming off the bench at the 2 and 3 spot. Both of them will play 30+ minutes and they will both score a lot of points. Rodriguez has really been putting it together lately and he will will definitely run things when the second unit is on the floor. Hopefully McMillian will yell at them enough and the second team will be effective. I think this is a very big strength for a young team; if they can get the same play out of their bench as their starters, it will really speed up the team's development.

The X-Factor; Raef LaFrentz. Not so much for his playing ability, but for his contract. It expires after this year and they could make a move for a point guard if one becomes available during the season. If they don't move him; they've got his $12 million plus Blake's $5 mill to spend after the season. That's a lot of chedda to be throwing around. I don't know who's available at the end of the season, but they could do a sign-and-trade and if I remember correctly, they still have a couple of picks stockpiled. If they can swing a trade and upgrade at the point. Watch out.

For the record, I can see this team fading a couple of spots, because the next two or three teams are full of solid vets.

6. Suns
I think you've gotta say that the Suns window has closed. They had a good run, but unless Shaq starts playing 37 minutes a game and puts up 2000-01 numbers, you've gotta stick a fork in these guys. They have a new coach (Terry Porter), which is going to take some getting used to. Shaq's going to miss some time. Grant Hill is an injury waiting to happen. Steve Nash isn't getting any younger. The only reason I put them ahead of the Spurs is because the one of the Spurs' major contributors is coming off of ankle surgery, and I think the Suns can still run some teams out of the gym. If they can win when they're supposed to and be consistent, I think they've got a shot, but I don't see them going much higher than where I've got them.

You know what you're going to get from Nash, STAT and Shaq. I actually think Shaq makes Stoudemire better, both on the offensive and defensive end, so it's imperative that he plays for most of the season. Porter is going to have to come up with some sort of hybrid offense that plays to everyone's strengths; they need to be able to run, but they also need to be able to play in a half-court set, where Shaq can be effective.

The one thing that jumps out at you it that they're just not as deep as they've been in the past, and I think that's going to hurt them. Rumors abound that the Suns brass is down on The Captain (which I don't understand). And then there's the annual "Boris Diaw is on the trading block" rumor. So, that's kind of a dark cloud that's hanging over this team.

In the offseason they finally stopped trading their picks away for cash. Robin Lopez was a good pick for them and he's going to see some time; Shaq will be out at some point and Diaw will be ineffective for a stretch and Lopez will get some minutes. I really like the Matt Barnes signing. So there's some upside here. It really depends on a lot of factors though; mainly, health, teamwork and coaching. I think they could slide up to the five spot if they're firing on all cylinders. If they're decimated by injuries, it could get ugly.

7. Spurs
Ginobili's ankle situation is really going to kill this team. Supposedly, he's ahead of schedule, but he's going to have to come back and try to get back into the flow, and I think it's going to be awkward for awhile. That and they're really starting to get old. I mean, Bruce Bowen is still playing? Please tell me he's not starting. And if Parker or Duncan miss any games, forget about it. I do think that they have the potential to make a good run and get into the playoffs, but this is really the last gasp for air for this team. I can see Duncan having a monster year because he'll be the first AND second option, but what Tony Parker does is either going to carry them or put them in a hole.

One interesting note; at the end of the 2009/10 season they'll have two guys under contract (Parker and Duncan) and two minor Team Options (both under $2 mill each). Those two contracts they're committed to make up 50% of their current payroll. They're obviously gearing up for something and 2010 is that magical free agent year, but who are they going to sign? And then they have to make a decision about Ginobili; extend him, trade him or let him walk, and what he does this season and next season will obviously dictate what they're going to do. Interesting times if you're a Spurs fan.

8. Dallas
Man, two years ago, it was Suns, Spurs and the Mavs at the top of the board, now they're all at the bottom? That's what happens when you don't keep up. They've just made a lot of bad moves and the players got real tired of Avery Johnson yelling at them.

First off, that Jason Kidd trade was just about the worst thing you could have done to this team mid-season. They run iso-sets like 90% of the time, so explain to me again why you need an over-the-hill hall-of-famer that likes to run the fast break to run that kind of offense? New head coach Coach Rick Carlisle has his work cut out for him. Much like Terry Porter, he's going to have to come up with an offense that allows Kidd to do what he does best (rebound and start the fast break) with what Josh Howard, Jason Terry and Dirk like to do (one-on-one half-court sets).

Dirk is pretty solid and steady, you know what he brings. Josh Howard is just really inconsistant in my opinion. He can be really great one game, and then disappear the next. Combined with all of the trouble he had in the offseason and he's just not the stable, calming influence that this team needs.

The main problem I have is that their roster looks like a fantasy team from a couple of years ago. Way to go there, Cuban. The glaring weakness is at Center. Dampier is overpaid, and DeSagana Diop is ok as a defensive replacement, the only problem is, he starts a fair amount because you never know what's going to happen with Dampier. Center is a black hole for them on offense and I don't think they have the same firepower they've had in past seasons to counteract that.

I think Carlisle struggles and the team struggles too. The problem is, they'll still get that last playoff spot and get crushed in the first round. They had their shot, and I think they're the West Coast version of Detroit; they think they're a lot better than they really are and they should have thought about moving some guys before they got to this point. The only exception is that the Pistons won a championship. It's going to be a rough couple of years for the Mavs from here on out.

9. Nuggets
Let's face it, the Nuggs are just a mess. There will be a change at the head coach position, probably in December when Melo stops running back on D. I can really see him not going past half court ever and just hanging around the rim waiting for a hail mary inbound pass after the other team has scored. They traded their best defender for the chance to swap second round picks, so the defense does not get any better, and it was pretty much the worst D in the league to begin with. So that's not a good thing.

Nene and K-Mart combined to play exactly 50% of the last three seasons (243 games played out of a possible 486). That's your starting front-court and you've got Kleiza, an ancient Juwan Howard and Steven Hunter coming off the bench. Oh, and the Bird Man, how could I forget about the Bird Man? Dude, there is no way this team is winning 41 games.

And you have to think that they're going to move A.I. before the trade deadline. He's in the last year of his deal, and he can still produce, so he does have a lot of value. The problem is, where are they going to trade him and what are they going to get back? They basically need everything. PG? Check. SG? Check. Front court? Check. Bench guys? Check. I just don't see this ending well.

10. Clippers
Ah, the Clippers. It's pretty hard to place these guys because on paper, they're a pretty good squad, but in reality, they're still the Clippers. As I said a couple of weeks ago, it's not good when your #1 free agent acquisition (Davis) and your #1 offseason trade acquisition (Camby) are both injured and the season hasn't even started yet.

They've made a couple of good moves after the Brand debacle; Ricky Davis is going to get a lot of minutes and he will put up numbers. He has an opt-out clause, so he's basically playing for a contract. I really like Eric Gordon, it's a good pick for them and I think when he figures it out, he will be the missing link.

When Camby is healthy I think he will work well with the Caveman. In fact, I think that's their biggest strength, but the two of them need to remain healthy. Al Thornton was a monster at the end of the season and if he can make a big jump, I think the Clippers have a shot at moving up .They might even be fighting for a playoff position.

It all comes down to Baron Davis though. He's going to be running the team. He has the ability to be one of the top five players in the league and he can singlehandedly change a game. Health is always a concern, so as he goes, so do the Clippers. But he's got Jenny Craig behind him, so he's got that going for him.

I really think they have a lot of good pieces and they can find themselves in a fight if things go well, it's just that all of the stars are going to have to align for them and, well, they ARE the Clippers.

11. Warriors
The Warriors are obviously going to take a step back. I think they take a bigger step back that most people do. They decided to let Baron Davis go, and then right after they signed Monta Ellis to a huge contract, he went out for a joyride on his moped and destroyed his ankle. You're talking about losing a 20 ppg guy that runs your offense. And he's just gone. For months. And you let the other guy that was scoring 20 ppg that was running your offense walk. You really can't just go check the waiver wire and pick one a guy to replace that kind of production.

They did sign Corey Maggette in the offseason and he can fill one of those holes, but he can't fill both of those holes. AND, at some point, he and Stephan Jackson are going to get into a knife fight over minutes and/or whoever took the last Grape Gatorade. It's going to end badly. They basically have no post presence, Al Harrington has gotten used to Nelly's freewheeling style and loves to shoot three's now; they run absolutely NO plays for Andris Biendrins (and really they shouldn't be running any plays for him anyway), and, I'm sorry, but Ronny Turiaf isn't going wake up one morning and turn into Tim Duncan. They're like the Suns from a few years ago, but their Steve Nash blew up his ankle, and they don't have a STAT or a Matrix. So, yeah, not so good, Al. I'm looking at their roster right now and I'm just shaking my head. It's mind bottling.

12. Kings
The Kings are another tough one to rank because they're a scrappy team. I wanted to put them above the Warriors for some reason, but they traded their best player and when their lineup is introduced, people are going to be looking at each other, saying, "Who the hell are these guys, the Reno Bighorns?" (That's the Kings dleague team if you didn't know.)

Seriously, their starting five is: Beno Udrih, Kevin Martin, John Salmons, Mikki Moore and Brad Miller. As an old boss of mine who was from the Sacto area used to say, "At least they still have Bobby Jackson".

Much like last year, their strength is their backcourt. Udrih is surprisingly serviceable, and Martin does the heavy lifting. I think John Salmons will have a better year now that he's the clear starter (he was off to an insane start last year when Artest was out) and Francisco Garcia is going to see a lot of time coming off the bench to provide help at both the 2 and 3 spot. That's a nice, but young rotation.

Again, their big weakness is the front-court, specifically in the paint. Brad Miller is old and Mikki Moore should not be starting. Kenny Thomas is undersized, past his prime and coming off the bench. If one of those guys misses time, it's going to go really wrong, really quick because they've got no one else. They need to trade for someone to help out but the problem is, they don't have anyone to trade, unless they're going to trade Martin, and that's not happening. So they're going to have to wait until the draft to see what they can get. One thing that the next two teams have that the Kings don't is a way to turn it around rather quickly. I just see other teams getting better and the Kings staying the same and/or getting worse.

14. Timberwolves
The Timberwolves have some light at the end of the tunnel, but they're still a couple of years away from doing anything. Their roster is also very strange. They are still paying Juwan Howard $7.375 mill (how that guy continues to fall back-assward into buy-out after buy-out, I'll never know) and they had to take back Brain Cardinal's terrible contract ($13 mill over the next two years) as a part of that K Luv/OJ Mayo trade.

They do have some good players though. They got Mike Miller in that deal I just mentioned and I think he'll be the beneficiary of a lot of open looks. If he's not, hopefully he'll be able to pass it to the open man. Al Jefferson is a beast and he's going to have to get used to getting double-teamed. Randy Foye and Rashad McCants combine for a NICE young backcourt. The frustrating thing about Foye is that since his rookie year, people have been saying that "this is the year". Last year really wasn't his fault because he was hurt, but I do remember an NBA GM saying something like, "after three years, you pretty much know what kind of player you've got". If he doesn't step up this year, it's just not going to happen. I think it does and he's going to be a force.

Their weakness is their youth and their bench. Sebastian Telfair is just brutal. He just had another run-in with the law and is going to get a three-game suspension to start the season, which is one game for every year that he's now on probation for. Do you think he's gonna make it three years without doing something stupid? Yeah, me neither. Kevin Love; is he ready? And is he big enough? I just don't know. The rest of their bench isn't even worth mentioning, except of course Ryan Gomes, who I like, but it seems like he's locked in a battle for minutes for some strange reason.

So I think Miinny is heading towards the lottery again, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. If they can get another piece through the draft this year, keep them all together for a couple of years, then add a vet or two, then you're really going to have to watch out for them. They're definitely a team on the rise. I think the both the Grizz and the Wolves are in the same situation that the Blazers were in two years ago; trade for some picks, make smart picks and get good players on your squad, then have a couple of breaks go your way and you could wind up with a really nice team. We're just going to have to wait and see what happens.

14. Grizzlies
You know, the Grizz just might shock some people. Or they might just be as bad as everyone thinks. I really think this comes down to how well Mike Conley plays and if he makes a big jump this year. They're not getting into the playoffs; they're WAY too young for that, but they've got a pretty good starting five and if they can keep them playing together for a couple of years, I think they're a couple of moves away from being strong contenders. There's no way they're going to keep Antoine Walker after this season (Team Option, if they exercise it next year, they've have keep him for two years at $10 mill per. There' s NO WAY that's happening), and depending on how they're doing, he could be trade bait for the right price.

Rudy Gay is a stud, and he's only going to get better this year. The jury's still out on O.J. Mayo; I can see him hitting a wall around February, so we're really going to have to wait until next year to see what he can do. I think they will hustle a lot and overachieve a little, but that will probably only get them a couple of games at the most. They're young, they need to develop and they're still a couple of pieces away.

One thing they do need to address is their front-court. Marc Gasol is their starting Center with Darko coming off the bench. Hakim Warrick is their starting PF with 'Toine providing relief. That's pretty thin. I think all of the starters are going to log some pretty heavy minutes and if they get tired or hit a wall at some point during the season, it could start to get brutal.

Their GM likes to wheel and deal, and they've got enough cap space, picks and prospects that nothing is out of bounds. I guess they've still got that trade on the table with the Knicks for Zack Randolph, but I don't think that's a very good idea. Ride this out, get better through the draft and see where you're at in a year or two. That should be the plan.

I think this is a team to watch, but you're probably not going to want to watch them THIS year.

15. Sonics OKC Thunder
Moving to a new city, changing your name, and getting some new uniforms does not help you win games. They suck, they will continue to suck, and you will be able to find Chunder tickets on Stub Hub for half the face value by the All-Star break. They really don't have a whole lot to look forward to. Except for a chance at a #1 pick. That is all.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Eastern Conference Preview

Here is my East preview, with Mize's playoff seedings in parentheses.

Atlantic Division
Boston Celtics – I hate putting them here. I just don’t think Toronto is ready to make the jump yet. The big three are a year older to death, so we’ve got that going for us, which is nice. Rondo is going to be solid, KG will be KG, but Pierce and RayRay take a step back. They’ll win the division, but only because they don’t have much competition. They won’t make it back to the Eastern Conference Finals.(1)

Toronto Raptors – I like this team. Bosh is an animal, and Calderon is going to be the best point guard in the East in the next 2 years. Getting rid of TJ Ford was the best thing they could have done this past off-season. His presence wasn’t making Calderon any better. They got Jermaine O’Neal in return, and who knows what to expect from that guy? Was he being a pussy just to get out of Indy? Is he really a pussy? I think he’ll be better for this team than TJ Ford was. They obviously need Bargnani to step up this year, and prove that he deserved being the #1 pick a few years back.(7)

Philadelphia 76ers – I really wanted to put them in the top spot in this division. But they don’t have anyone on their roster who’s ever won anything. They have a lot of talent, but they will need a gift from the injury gods to keep everyone healthy. If not, they will be back in the lottery next summer. But if everyone can stay out of the trainer’s room, a starting 5 of Miller, Iguodala, Brand, Young, & Dalembert can easily win 50 games in the East. And then get swept out of the 1st round.

New York Knicks – The only thing I’m certain about is that this team will score a lot of points. Unfortunately for EP, they’ll give up a lot more. But fortunately for EP, Eddy Curry will probably not live through this season. The fact that they brought in Chris Duhon to run point this year bottles the mind. He’s not a good passer, he doesn’t push the ball up the court, and he doesn’t penetrate very well (TWSS). If D’Antoni put a lineup of Q, Curry, Starbury, Crawford, & Randolph out on the floor, I’d buy NBA League Pass just to watch that mess. This team might be worst than the team he had in Denver. This team should hit the .500 mark…in 2012.

New Jersey Nets – Good God this team is bad, and that is before you take into account that they traded RJ for the Chairman in the off-season. I like Devin Harris, though. Too bad he has to quarterback this garbage. Maybe Brook Lopez & Eduardo Najera can hang out at Mexican restaurants together. I’d bet these guys won’t win 20 games. If they get off to, say, an 0-10 start, look for Toronto Vinsanity to emerge. That’s always entertaining.

Central Division
Cleveland Cavaliers – This won’t even be close. The Lebrons should win the Central by at least 10 games over Detroit. They needed someone to run the point outside of the last 2 minutes, and Mo Williams was a good pickup. I would like Delonte West at the 2 instead of Pavlovic, except for the fact that he’s batshit crazy. But they also need to play Big Ben a lot less than they did last year. He and Big Z are the only 2 things that can stop this team. They need another big body. Call ‘em up, Mize.(3)

Detroit Pistons – These guys are getting O-L-D. And Rip has a nice Al-Qaeda beard going right now. But the good news in the D is that they signed Kwame Brown. Except it’s not good news. WFT is Joe Dumars doing? Is he trying to outdo his Darko draft pick? Rodney Stuckey won’t overtake Chauncey this season, but he’ll get plenty of opportunity to see some playing time and this will be his team next season. This team bores me, though. NEXT(4)

Milwaukee Bucks – I don’t really think that this team will be all that bad. They have a decent starting five. Ridnour will be a better fit at the point than Mo Williams was. They already have shooters, they needed someone to distribute and Luke will do that. Add to that Jefferson >>>>>>>>>>>>> Chairman, and this team should be fighting for a playoff spot this spring. They also drafted the retard from wava, so they’ve got that going for them, which is nice. If they could somehow sign mize, they’d battle Cleveland for #1 in the East. Maybe he can give some coaching advice to cmskiles when she comes in to make copies.(8)

Indiana Pacers – Well they got rid of Jermaine O’Neal, so that’s a positive. And Jamaal Tinsley may or may not have been shot to death, so that’s a positive…for the Pacers, not Mr. Tinsley. But in order to get rid of JO, they had to get TJ Ford. So I hope they have paralyzation insurance, because they’re going to need it. But at least they aren’t this next team...

Chicago Bulls – Starting 5 of Derrick Rose, Hinrich, Deng, Noah, & Gooden. AYFKM? Disgusting. They’ll lead the league in hustle, I guess.

Southeast Division
Orlando Magic – Even though he apparently eats McDonalds a lot, DHoward is a monster. He’s probably the one guy in the league who can take mize one-on-one. This team isn’t very deep, but they have the Hedgehog and they are in the worse* division in the East, so they shouldn’t have much difficulty winning it.(2)

Atlanta Hawks – Good young talent on this team. They have probably one of the top starting fives in the East. Unfortunately they have to play the guys in the second five a lot, too. Their coach has no control of the team, though. He will probably be gone by New Years.

Washington Wizards – No Arenas or Haywood for a while, obviously, but Tough Juice and Jamison is still a solid 1-2 punch. They played better last year when Agent Zero was out. The question is just whether or not they can both stay healthy. If not, move these guys down to the bottom. I really don’t like DeShawn Stevenson, though. He brings nothing to the table.(6)

Miami Heat – I feel bad for Wade. A couple of years ago he was on top of the world and now he’s in this mess. At least he’s still in South Beach. Not sure what to expect from Beasley this year. Was he just benefiting from being the biggest guy on the court in college, or is he really a stud who can dominate in the NBA? He may be that guy, but it probably won’t be this year. They need to get rid of the Matrix, too. He’s going to fuck up DWade’s world.(5)

Charlotte Bobcats – If I had to choose any person on the planet to coach this team, it would definitely be Larry Brown, except the except opposite. I think before the end of the season DJ Augustin will be running point, even though LB hates youngsters. It’s going to be a long time before these guys even sniff a playoff spot. MJ could probably step out of the owner’s box and beat any of these guys in a game to 11.

Friday, October 24, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Rays won there will be a Game 3. Auburn lost to WVU but the SEC is still the best league because they fuck their cousins and eat alligator. I'm sort of pumped about Niba. Strange. Did you guys know the hockey season started? No really it did. Stop laughing I'm not even kidding.

Let's get soaking wet.

Where I stand:
Cash : $907.50
Picks: 22-18

New wrinkle for this week's college picks. I let a girl pick them. And not just any girl but our own, our wonderful, our lovely. Beth. Girl, if loving is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Let's play a little he said/she said.

Alabama -6 over Tennessee

Beth says: Tennessee is just not a good football team this year and I'd say Fulmer has about a 30% chance of coming back next year based on what I've read. I was actually quite surprised to see this line so low, but then again today's AJC had a big article about how close most SEC games have been this year, so I'm sure that plays into it.

El Pad says: Beth pretty much nails it. Fulmer is a fat mess, everyone is waiting for Bama to fall apart. Won't happen here. And beth ♥'s the AJC.
(Straight Bet : $150)

Penn State -2.5 over OSU

Beth says: I haven't been impressed with Ohio State all year and while I don't know how tested Penn State has been this year, I see them covering. This may be a "win for JoePa's [probable] final year" mentality for that team.

El Pad says: Well beth ain't really saying much here but she's picking the right side. The shoe will be bumping no doubt but PSU is a very good football team and this may be their shot a NT game. Win here and they have a easy win-out schedule. At Iowa, home vs Indiana and home vs Javon Ringer. As far as Beth alluding to whether or not they have been tested up until now they have shamed Wisconsin in Madison and took care of a then ranked Illini team at home. By the way, the higher ranked opponent as won this contest the past 7 out of 10 times.
(Straight Bet : $150)

Wyoming +31 over TCU

Beth says: I definitely don't see Wyoming winning this game or even being close, but 31 is just too big a number for TCU. Call it women's intuition. :-)

El Pad says : "but 31 inches* is just too big" TWSS. *Fixed. Sorry couldnt resist. And Beth for the sake of making this a little more fun I'll side with TCU, I say they win and win big. I'll call it 45-3, TCU. : (
(Straight Bet : 50)

Onto the big boys....

Atlanta +9 over Philly
We talked about this. Jug mentioned he was surprised by the line and I am too. The problem with this trend wise is that ATL has not covered a plus spread this year (or the last 4 games last year). But Matt Ryan and Roddy White can keep any game close. And Michael Turner is not a mirage. Philly wins because they need it and because Westbrook is back (maybe K. Curtis too), but not by more than 9 points. (Straight bet : $50)

Chargers -3 over New Orleans
Bloke bowl in London. Losing Reggie Bush makes this Saints team very one-dimensional I think. Hate him or love him Bush is one hell of a playmaker. Gets 20-30 touches a game, Pierre Woods? Not so much. Can't just throw Colston back in the fire either. SD has been real good in the month of October ATS. Brees has wanted to play this game since SD gave up on him, but he didn't want to play this game across the pond. Bolts win and cover.
(Straight bet : $150)

Bills -1 over Miami
Ok, ok. This spread boggles my mind too. I may be in the minority but I love the Bills. Nobody circles the buffet better then Chris Berman. But anyway they should be spotting Miami at least 4 0r 5 here. Has Miami impressed this year? Sure. But we knew they would. Any team that won one game the year prior will be better. But they can't hang with what is now the class of the division. By the way, I heard Dick Jauron sent Bernie Pollard some cookies for that one.
(Straight Bet : $200)


Let's drink and make bad decisions this weekend guys. Cheers!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Bat Rastard

So it is two days late:

Finally Bosox lose. I hate them. I am still happy they lost and it is still worth mentioning. I don't even care what happens in the World Series, I'm just happy it isn't the BoSox.

Speaking of the World Series; Joe Buck is awful. Way to explain the ground rules for the catwalk you dumbass. I wish he'd just go away. Also to be filed in the awful department is the second base umpire. That dirty Hawaiian was out by a mile. No excuse for missing that call. None. He owes the Rays big time. Also, that missed balk call sucked too. And finally the home plate guy sucked too. He was all over the place. His strike zone moved around like Rev's belly after someone hits it. You know, it basically just shook and moved around for about 9 innings.

Random Side Note: For Kod: I saw this license plate today "INJUNGRL." The weird part was that the driver was a freckle faced red headed lady. I did not expect that from "INJUNGRL."


Untimely side note: Chris Collinsworth just needs to replace Madden permanently. I am sick of hearing how Madden finally got to take a week off. Hey retards, he gets like 32 of the 52 weeks of the year off. I can't imagine he watches any film so he really works 1 or 2 days a week for the 20 weeks he works.


Movie Review:

The Other End of the Line


This movie is an expose into the world of phone sex. Some dude is all about this one chick on his favorite 900 number. So he decides to track her down. He spends all sorts of money and goes through all sorts of hilarity to find her and when he does he finds out that she is ugly as sin. So he runs away. But then he changes his mind and realizes that she is beautiful on the inside and he really wants to be with her. So he goes back to her. She figures out who he is and slaps a restraining order on his punk ass. She isn't into stalkers. THE END.

2 out of 5 helmet stickers.


Untimely side note 2: Coaches should "ice" their own kicker. Call a Time Out right before he kicks it so he gets a practice shot. Who wouldn't want a practice shot?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

She's On FI-YA!!!

We have a special request. This week's Bad 80's Song goes out to El P; She's On Fire by Amy Holland. I couldn't find the Scarface montage (which is the eightiest eighties montage of all-time) because I guess Universal monitors Youtube, so you're going to have to settle for watching a video of Grand Theft Auto highlights while the song plays in the background. In my opinion, it's pretty much an even trade off.

So, the World Series starts tonight. I can't wait until Game 3 when The Fresh Prince comes out and raps the National Anthem, with the "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" freestyle in the middle. It will be the exact opposite of awesome.

ANYWHO, it should be a good series, both teams like to hit home runs and score a bunch. Pitching is a pretty mixed bag for both, and their pitching strengths are pretty much the opposite of each other. Phillies have some pretty bad starting pitching (except for Hamels) but they have a pretty good bullpen. Tampa has a pretty solid starting rotation, but that back end is scary (unless Price is their new set-up guy AND closer, Maddon: think about it). If you could somehow combine the best of both pitching staffs, you'd have a pretty bulletproof bullpen. Unfortunately, you can't do that, so expect A LOT of scoring, especially in the middle innings. I will be praying to Allah tonight for a Brad Lidge blown save/triple arm break and a Rays win. Sorry, Rev.

I think El P once posed the question, "Can Norv Turner fuck up a wet dream?" Well, we've got an answer, and it's a resounding YES. Basically, he got the keys to a brand-new Lamborghini and then decided to crash it right into a brick wall. Way to go there, Norv (I keep wanting to call him "Norm" for some reason). I mean, seriously, you don't even need to draw up or practice half of your plays, just pencil in "hand off to LDT and watch him run for a touchdown" five times a game and you're good to go. Jesus, Norm, c'mon.

One of the awesome things about living in L.A. is watching the Clippers fail year after year. It's something I look forward to every year. This time around, they traded for Marcus Camby and then signed Baron Davis. Now, neither of these guys are iron men by any stretch of the imagination, but it is pretty funny that they're both injured and the season hasn't even started yet. I cannot wait for them to fall back-assward into another #1 pick within the next three or four years and then completely screw that up as well. Enjoy it Clippernation, nothin' but good times ahead.

Lately, there has been a lot of talk on LoV about presidential candidates. Everyone has an opinion. For the next couple of of weeks I will be calling your attention to Presidential Candidates that are not getting as much pub as the big two. This week, I would like you to consider Eric B. Yes, one of his biggest weaknesses is in foreign policy. Yes, his economic package needs some work. Yes, he has no executive experience. But can either of the other two candidates cut record like he can? I say no, they cannot! And throw in the fact that he picked Terminator X as his running mate and you've got a pretty solid 1-2 punch. So please, consider an Eric B/Terminator X ticket in 2008*. And don't forget to vote!



*Paid for by The Committee to Elect Eric B for President.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You Better Effin' Pay Up, Bitch




I swear to god, Frank. Have my money or next Tuesday, you're fucking dead.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Uck Faitch

Ding dong, the bitch is dead. All it took was Tampa dropping the devil from their name, and all of a sudden they are relevant. Apparently God does exist. If you don't mind, zeke......IN DE FACE mize!!!

EP said that the Stillers would get 5 TDs on their own. I will call him El Padstrodamus all day today. (ns) Of course, he also said Washington +17 over Oregon, and they lost by 21 to Oregon State. So he should get 2 losses for that. He sucks at college games, but his NFL picks are saving him. Maybe he should just pick NFL games for the rest of the season.

College football polls are wetawded. FU is #5 in the AP, #7 in the USA Today, but #10 in the BCS. That’s what we get when computers are involved. I don’t care what they say, people are smarter than computers. If it weren’t for people, computers wouldn’t even exist. None of the current top 3 teams will be in the BCS title game this year. (ns)

NFL coaches need to stop with the timeout right before a field goal at the end of a game, most recently by Tom Lombardi Cable. I’m pretty sure that a kicker who gets two attempts at a kick is going to have more success than getting one attempt. It was a fun fad for about 2 weeks last year. It’s time for coaches to move on to a new fad. Maybe they can fake calling a timeout, like they can yell really loud “My Gout! My Gout!” so the kicker hears them and they’ll get faked out. It’s a flawless plan.

My new strike it rich scheme is to gamble against any top boxer that mize backs. I’m gonna be a zillionaire.

I hate sports sometimes. I waited patiently to get a Bangles jersey because I'm a fan, but I didn't want to get 9/85/84 because I'm tired of all those guys. So I finally bend and get a 58 jersey, Keith Rivers. Good young talent I figure, he'll be solid for a while. And 2 games later he gets a broken jaw and is out for the year. I look forward to being on Straight Cash Homey next season.

Softball update… We split our doubleheader tonight. I went 2-6 with 2 walks. It was an ugly night. I blame Imus.

Rays in 5 over Philly. Sorry rev.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Just Die Red Sox Nation

















"Tampa Bay, put the Champagne away and get ready. The momentum has just changed."
-whodeybengals8

Just die whodey. Serious. Die. All Red Sox Nation. Die. All of a sudden they are Jason Voorhies for the upteenth sequel again. Why? What did we do? Was it something we said? Fuck Aitch. Fuck whodeybengals8. He is probably still a virgin. Who roots for all Cincy teams and the Red Sox anyway? Whodey does. That's who. Probably has the I.Q of a fucking red grape. Look at his face. Looks like Matt Damon before puberty. Serious. How old is this jerkoff? And it looks like he wears blush. Hey whodey, that shade of cover girl looks nice on you. No really. It does.
YOU FUCKING SPERM SUCKING FAGGOT. COCKGOBBLER. DID YOU AND YOUR BOYS CIRCLE JERK AFTER THAT DISGUSTING WIN? FUDGEPACKING BLUSH-WEARING ASS GOBLIN. DIE.
Where I stand:
Cash : $207.50
Picks: 19-16
Boise St. tonight. ($50), blue turf in HD.
Washington +17 over Oregon ($50)

Bears -3 over Vikings
No serious. The Vikings stink. Stop it Kod. Bears rout them at home. Especially since Minny swept da bears last year. That was when the Bears were awful. They are good again. Any neckbears is better than The Gus Ferrote experience. (Two bets here, overall -3 for the game for $500 and take the Bears first half, spread should be 1.5 or 2. do that for $100)

Browns +7 over Skins
Sorry zeke. The numbers are just too good to pass up. Spread actually 8 on USA today site and covers.com (as of Thursday night). (Stright Bet : $100)

Pittsburgh/Cincy over 35
Stillers may get 5 TD's by they lonesome. I'm humoring Meiz here. It's the best over/under bet on the board. (Straight Bet $100)

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Just die, Fox.

Screw you fox, for postponing my major network debut. Every piece of news for the past month has said you were airing the Kitchen Nightmares episode I worked on tonight. And boom, last night, you disrespect me by changing the listing and changing the schedule on your website. Goddman you. Are you going to call everyone I told about this? I had plans, damnit. And now you tell me it's not probably won't air until October 30th? And if there's a game 7 it will put off until December? Suck it, Fox. Oh and another thing, House is an awful show. Why does no one ever die in that show? Every week is some CRAZY disease that no one's ever seen and somehow House can diagnose and cure it in 50 minutes. I'm calling bull on that. Too bad Olivia Wilde is on that show now, or I could hate it more. She's hot. How has Prison Break ran longer than one season? You break out of prison and then you're out. Stop driving crap into the ground. The premise is ova. Deal with it. Another thing, Joe Buck sucks. A lot. Stop employing him. Just die, Fox.

Just die dodgers fans. You guys will never know the pain of watching your team commit error after error on it's way to a loss. Oh, wait. Haha.

The Colts trade was voided because the dude couldn't pass his physical. Should be interesting for McCargo to go back to Buffalo after Jauron basically said McCargo sucked. Maybe he'll get waived.

I wish Randle El would get a shot to play QB. I'm pretty sure he would be awesome.

Let's wrap this up with MLTC. Coming up with a choke on my choke pick last week left a bad taste in my mouth and left me at 4-2 for the year. So I'm going back to a team I've already picked once. They seem to have some mojo against ranked teams, so I'm riding with it. I'm picking Maryland to beat Wake Forest.

No embedding on this one because it was disabled, but you should check it out anyway. Tory from Mythbusters getting tasered.

This one's been around the internet for a while. Still fascinating.


Some weird dude playing with bubbles.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Just Die, Victorino.

This is a little late, but I'm going to write about it anyway; Shane Victorino is a whinny-ass bitch. Yeah, Rev, I said it. Dude gets thrown at, and, obviously the ball got away from Kuroda, it sailed over his head, no big deal. I mean, Kuroda barely speaks english, so even if Torre called for bean ball, chances are Kuroda wouldn't know what to do anyway. So a ball goes WAY over Victorino's head and he thinks they're trying to throw at him. He backs out of the box and starts talking yelling, "If you're gonna throw at me brah, throw at my body, not my head, brah. At my body, braddah, not my head. Shaka.". He ends up hitting a grounder and gets thrown out at first, but he continues jawing at Kuroda and the benches clear. You stay classy, Victorino. Loney got a ball thrown at his eyeball Monday night. He barely got out of the way, but you know what he did? He took a breath, stepped back in the box and went about his business. It's called BEING A PROFESSIONAL. Take some notes, Shane; you douche-nozzle.

I can only hope that the Phillies trot out Jamie Moyer for the next three consecutive games. That is pretty much our only hope of winning this series.

The only upside is that the Douche Sox probably won't be playing for the Championship. Praise Allah.

So I was at a bar with my girlfriend for Game 1 of the NLCS. There was a group of guys at the table next to us and I think they were meeting up for a bachelor party. So there were guys meeting other guys for the first time and of course the "Do you like sports?" question comes up and since the Dodger game was on, and they were asking everyone if they liked baseball. So one guy says, "I don't like sports with a lot of breaks in the action. That's why I like soccer." I overheard it and I turned to the dude and made a "what the hell are you talking about?" face. One of the guys saw me do it and then he said the exact thing I was going to say, which was, "The reason there's no breaks in the action in soccer is because there's no action to start with". Soccer fans, you die too. If I have to hear one more time about how soccer is the most popular sport in the world and how it's going to take over the U.S. any day now, blah, blah, blah, I'm going to plug in my toaster and take it with me to go take a bath. It's two+ hours of watching paint dry guys pass a ball back and forth. Just shut up already, soccer guy.

Magic Johnson joins ESPN, and ABC as an NBA studio analyst. Awesome. I can't wait. I love train wrecks.

Shockingly, Roy Williams was traded yesterday. I didn't think there was going to be any big deals going down, especially since the Lions just told Williams they weren't shopping him. But I guess when Jerry Jones calls you and he's been up for three days straight drinking Vodka-Red Bulls, you have to listen. Especially when he says the words 1st, 3rd and 6th.

This week's bad 80's song is Get Out Of My Dreams by Billy Ocean. Featured prominently in the 1988 classic, License to Drive. This song is almost as bad as Never Gonna Give You Up. In fact, that should be the next internet phenomenon; You Got Billy Ocean'd beeatch!

That's all I've got.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

just die, Joe Buck

The title just continues the "just die" week. I don't have much hatred to spew towards Joe Buck because he is a worthless piece of crap. Not even human crap either. He is like fly crap. Crap nobody should ever think about. How he keeps his job is beyond me. Actually how he stays alive is beyond me. Thousands of crazy people and he hasn't angered one enough to get attacked??? How can that be? I'm not saying you should go kill him, I'm just saying that I wouldn't be heartbroken and that my LCS watching experience would be better.

Now, John Madden, you are a fat cry baby. He doesn't want to make 3 cross country trips in a row, so he isn't calling the Seattle at Tampa Bay game. What a wuss. He needs to choke on one of those turkey legs at Thanksgiving. I don't want him to die from it, just mess up his throat enough so that he can't do any games at all. Really the moron just needs to man up and fly.

Although that brings up another question of mine. Why can't he just call the game from his living room couch? He can see the game on TV, he can tell me what's going on just as well as he can when he is sitting in the press box watching it on TV. Don't even pretend he isn't watching that thing on a TV screen. Just let him call the game from the studio. Hell if we did this then Gus Johnson could call every game.

This is a quick "way to go to Manny." Damn he is killing the ball. Wow. Too bad that your pitchers keep throwing meatball pitches for Matt Stairs to crush.

Another quick "way to go Browns." With one game you brought all the Cleveland fans out of the woodwork. People are already talking about how they will make the playoffs and be a force. Derek Anderson is awesome again and "just wait until Winslow comes back from that nut problem!" I'm not saying Cleveland fans are band wagoners, because that isn't really how it is. They are just really quiet when their team is down and really noisy when it is not. They are still fans during the quiet times though. They keep up with the team and they root for them and go to the games, they are just quiet about it. I think that makes them non band wagoners. But nonetheless they are annoying because seriously. Stop it. Cleveland is not going to run the table. They aren't that bad, they aren't that good. They are who we thought they were....just like Eli. Nice throws. And way to try to get those balls Burress. Think you could maybe try to go get one of those??

Halloween Costume Ideas:
1) Swim cap, goggles, speedos, 8 gold medals = Michael Phelps.
2) USA track suit, white wig, mustache, horrible accent = Bela Karolyi (the gymnast coach, ain't no way in hell I am looking up how to spell his name, I'm close, I might be right even, but that's what you get)
3) Brown sweat pants, brown sweat shirt, big brown shoes = Big Brown or a Kangaroo, your call. Throw in a limp in you want to be Big Brown, hop around if you want to be a Kangaroo.
4) for the guys; normal clothes, apron and an iron = Iron Man. Some dumb chick will think it is hilarious and you can score with her. Hopefully she looks good enough.
5) black face paint, fake beard, black eye = Kimbo Slice. For added effect lay face down on the floor most of the night.

tem movie review:

Saw V

How it ought to be: Danny Glover comes back from the dead. That's right. Murtaugh doesn't die that easy. No way, no how is he an inept cop. He tracks down the bad guy or girl or gorilla or whatever it is and beats the shit out of it. He pistol whips it and says something really funny or cool. Preferably something of the "its been revoked" ilk. Also during the movie Danny's family gets kidnapped and his house gets destroyed, but everyone is OK and he never seems too worried about it.

How it is: Some freak dude or chick or gorilla kills some people and some lame ass cop tries to figure out what is going on. They figure it out and then at the end we find out that the cop was totally wrong. Then some goofy ass music plays.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Just die, Boston

So here I am, taking over for mize. I have some huge pants to fill. But I’m not gonna use any gimmicks, I’m not posting any videos, and I will keep pictures to a minimum.
*Note – These rules might last for 2 weeks. But I can promise that I won’t be lazy and I won’t even quit.

Went and saw Neil freaking Diamond on Friday night. That man never fails to deliver. He’s like the anti-mize. He sang a lot of his new shit that I didn’t know, but he brought down the house with his classics. And there was an ishload of talent walking around. There are not many things that are funniest* then* seeing 50-60 year old women getting hammered and thinking that there* at a Neil concert, circa 1975. The only part that sucked was that in the row right behind us there were 5 Corkys with their handlers, and one of them pissed themselves halfway through the show, which was odorific. Yes, I know I’m going to hell, but IDGAF. If I have to suffer through that nonsense, than* I should be able to talk about it in unfriendly terms.

Apparently there was college fooyball* and baseball this weekend. I did not watch any college fooyball*, except for maybe 10 minutes of ASU/USC, which was atrocious. 3 of the top 4 teams lost, and the one that didn’t lose didn’t play. So now Texas is #1, which means that they will lose this coming weekend.

The Devil Rays beat Boston on Saturday night on a 150 foot sac fly where DJ Drew did his best Noodle Arm impression. I turnt* on the game in the bottom of the last inning, and I will not watch any more games on TBS. There* commentators are the worse*.

Their* was some pretty good NFL fooyball* on Sunday morning. Atlanta did everything they could to give the Bears a victory, but the Bears D just wouldn't have it. In other news, Dan Orlovsky had the most amazing safety that I’ve ever seen for the Lions. The Vikings won, but the win left a bad taste in kod’s mouth. Dude drinks Lysol and CL, but winning a game you shouldn’t of* won leaves a bad taste in your mouth? Stop it.
The ‘skins lost to the worse* NFL team in the last 10 years. The Cards beat the Cowboys, thanks to Tony Romo being Tony Romo. The Cards tried to give away this game too, but Romo was having none of that. And New England looked like shit. We need a lot more of that. This is the year that Boston chokes on a fat ding dong. Yeah, I said ding dong.
*Cue EP and his “LMC” comment

And finally, we had a softball doubleheader tonight. We won the first game by 15 and we lost the second game 25-24. I went 8 for 9 with a walk and 2 HR, but my 1 out was with guys on 2nd and 3rd in the bottom of the last inning, down 25-23. Pitiful. I should of* bought a round of beers for everyone. Should of*.

Anyway, I hope this was D- enough for you kids. Comment at your own risk…

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Weekend Rev

It is often said that I only show up when I have a new blog posting at my blog, or if a Philadelphia team wins a big game.

I'd like to amend that now. Whenever a Philly team gets this close to appearing in a major championship series, not only do I show up, but you also get a full-fledged weekend posting.

I'm Rev, bitch! It's a celebration!

Don't worry... this will not be a Phillies fueled post. I'll share other stuff.

- I love the fact that the owner of the Philadelphia Flyers thinks that fans of his team will be influenced in any way by Sarah Palin showing up at tonight's Flyers game to drop the ceremonial first puck.

Now, the fact that Ed Snider is apparently a far right wing guy doesn't even bother me. He can be whatever he wants as long as his teams win. But the thought process into doing this has to be a little flawed.

Up until now, Sarah Palin has pretty much been in public in front of crowds that were guaranteed to be favorable to her. This will be the first time that she is exposed to the potential of major booing at the introduction of her name. They don't just let Republican fans into Flyers games.

Ed Snider thinks this appearance is a good idea for some reason.

I'm not bringing this up to bash her. There will be plenty of time for that later. I'm just wondering what the reaction will be. She'll probably get a favorable ovation from many in the crowd. But I'm guessing there will be some Philly attitude thrown in. It will be interesting to see if the boos outweigh the cheers.

I'll say it too. I'm guessing she will look pretty hot dropping that puck

- I'll even give you a few photos today. But none of them will be of the head of my penis.

(Insert the "when was the last time you even saw the head of your penis you fat bastard joke" here)

Earlier this week, the aforementioned Flyers held what will be their last appearance in the old Philadelphia Spectrum. It was an exhibition game against their AHL team, the Phantoms. It brought back more than a few memories.

The Flyers left the Spectrum for what is now the Wachovia Center about 12 years ago. But the Specturm stayed active for minor league events and concerts. Now, they will be tearing it down sometime next year to put up a big shopping and entertainment complex.

I went to many events at the Spectrum in my day, and always loved the place. But now, after being spoiled by the Wachovia Center, I came to realize that the Spectrum was pretty cramped. I mean, goddman the place was too small.

I don't know how all of us fat Philadelphians put up with the joint for so long.

I made it through two and a half periods of the game in seats that were three inches too small for my ass. I went down to get a hot dog and a drink halfway through the first period in the main concourse. It took a good 15 minutes just to get that hot dog with only a few people in line because they apparently hire minor league servers at the Spectrum and send the fast people over to the Wachovia Center. Then, I get stuck in the between period traffic in the concourse which is jam packed with people. Bottom line... a trip for a hot dog and soda took well over a half an hour.

Imagine this... the Spectrum has three levels of seating. All of those levels of seating feed into one main concourse. Not an upper level concourse for the upper level seating and a lower level for the lower level seating. That would have made too much sense. No, all 17,000 fans have to filter into the main concourse, which ain't too wide to begin with.

Don't even bother going to the can. The Spectrum I think has only 4 total restroom areas if I remember correctly for all 17,000 people. All of us Philly fans have stories of waiting a half an hour just to take a leak there. Many women have gone to use the men's room in frustration, and many men have let them walk in.

And for some unknown goddman reason, I'm gonna miss the place.

But I'm not gonna miss it at the same time, cause the Wachovia Center is so much more comfy.

Just a few photos of the experience...


The building in what is left of all of her glory.

The view from my seats, and did I mention those seats were at least three inches too small for my big ass?

I'll save you the trouble...

There have been over 2 million cheesesteaks eaten by Rev since 1972.

*fixed

By the way... there is no Jumbotron screen in the Spectrum. Just a regular old scoreboard. No replays or anything. Old school all the way.

This is the concourse while the game is still going on. Then, 10 minutes later during intermission it turns into....

THIS!

And everyone of those people are trying to do one of two things... get a beer or take a leak. In some cases, both.

I just did a whole post pretty much related to hockey. Which means you won't read it. Enjoy the weekend commenting.

Friday, October 10, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Where I Stand
Cash : $7.50
Picks: 15-13

Teams I can't quite read.........yet.

Jacksonville : It's obvious their defense is alot weaker than last year's unit. At lease so far.
Colts : Two games handed to them by the other team's ineptitude. Shouldn't even have a win yet.
Dolphins : Dude they are running the single win offense. That totally rocks balls.
San Diego : Two tough losses, trailed in every game. Tomlinson on the decline?????
San Fran : Can they win the NL West now that Seattle can't stop the big play and don't have any WR's that haven't come from the practice squad.
Arizona : See San Fran.
Seattle : Will they find a way to win the division at 8-8? Or will they continue to suck?
Green Bay : Rodgers is good but he might have left some plays on the field the past two games.

Two very good college contests this weekend. Florida/LSU and Ok/Texas. Let's start with the Red River shootout.

Oklahoma -7 over Texas
Honestly this seems like this the first real game of the season for both of these teams. I mean they really haven't played anyone. Colt McCoy is putting up some gaudy numbers but should be. Oklahoma hung 50+ in thier first three games but they should have. Let's delve into a couple of key factors. One, Oklahoma's offensive line is top in the nation. Two, OU's pass rush must get to McCoy. Now McCoy can run but a couple of square hits will change his mind about taking off. I think both teams are very good, maybe even NT good. This game will be close most of the way, Oklahoma scores two unanswered late to win and cover. Ok 31, UT 20 (Straight Bet $100)

Lsu +6 over Florida
Florida is done. If LSU can establish the run it's a wrap. No doubt Florida has the huge QB advantage but if Ole Miss can get a win in the swamp this LSU team can too. When LSU rushes for more yards (in the past 8 matchups) they've won the game. Also this LSU team might be better than last year's NT team. If Tigers can win this weekend, they go to South Carolina and then return to the bayou for 5 straight home games. (Straight Bet : $150)

Back to Pros...

Green Bay -2 over Seattle
If we consider who Green Bay lost too and who Seattle's lone win was against this might be an easy bet. Green Bay lost three in a row, ATL (not a gimme), @ Tampa and Dallas. Seattle has beaten St. Louis. So in short this is the Mike Lowery lock it in the box with yo momma's titties.
Last two times these teams played Green Bay has smashed them, including last year's snowball game. (Straight Bet : $300)

Tampa Bay -1.5 over Carolina
Pretty even spread. Pretty even teams. Advantage Bucs, they are home. Coming off a loss. this bet is void if Griese is playing. He really sucks. Also TB are 6-2 ATS in their last 8 vs. NFC South.
(Straight Bet : $50)

I think St. Louis cover the 14, just sayin. ($50)
NE +5, just a hunch ($50)
Philly -5 over SF, now if they win convincingly I'd be worried. ($100)

Now some Golf Pics from last Saturday......

HAHAHAHAHA, other dude hit it on another fairway. He shot like a 180.














Pissing.
















Again.
















Driver's seat. Yes that's a NY Giant flask and yes it's minez.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Mr. Blue Sky

I went to the Pacers first preseason game last night. That was a terrible idea. I mean, I was a little optimistic for this season. Thought maybe they could make it to .500. I was dead wrong. I know I'm being a little defeatist, especially since 2 starters didn't play and it's just the first preseason game against a really good opponent, but damn. 3 for 21 from 3 and 25 turnovers. Turrible. The old hockey scoreboard they have doesn't go past 100, so the final score was shown as Pacers 71, Hornets 05. I thought this was hilarity. Mike Dunleavy showed up in a rocking plaid suit. It was awesome. Anyways, it was kinda cool seeing the Pacers play where they did when they were winners. The only thing that's ever in the Coliseum now is minor league hockey and livestock shows during the state fair. There's a banner for this team hanging on the side of the building, even though they didn't play there. Mark Messier and Wayne Gretzky. Who knew (besides me, obviously)? I was going to delete this paragraph because it's irrelevant, but I have nothing else to write about. So, if you've actually read this, sorry. Let's get to something that sucks a little less, I hope.

It's interesting trying to fight the effects of nyquil.

In my rush to write about absolutely nothing last night, I forgot to do the only running segment I have. The top 25 team MLTC this week is UNC. I think we all know why I'm picking against them, and why I will likely be wrong. Oh well.

I may have been bored when I did the following.
first this

then this:


Since the NBA is rolling around, here's a vid about bball.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

I drive truck, breaks arms, and arm wrestle. It's what I love to do, it's what I do best.

This week's entry is Winner Takes It All by Sammy Hagar from the 1987 classic, Over The Top. Watch the video, Sammy does a pretty awesome jump kick at about the 37 second mark. If you haven't seen the movie (Tem, I'm looking at you) go down to BestBuy, spend the $5 and buy the DVD, then stop off and get some booze and prepare yourself for the awesomeness. It's got arm wrestling, truck driving and a whole lot of 80's montages that involve arm wrestling, and truck driving. I think there is even a montage that involves arm wrestling WHILE driving a truck at the same time. Terry Funk plays a body guard that throws Stallone through a plate glass window. Yeah, I said Terry Funk plays a body guard that throws Stallone through a plate glass window. It's got all of that, AND Stallone's son's name in the movie is Mike Hawk (say it out loud a few times if you don't get it). Yes. Mike Hawk.

Avocado Festival: not bad. It was about an hour drive and it was overcast the entire time. There were lots of small festival mainstays; people in booths selling overpriced handmade stuff that had nothing to do with avocados. There were also three different stages with cover bands (sadly, New Day Rising was not on the bill). I was unbelievably bored when the girlfriend was shopping and had to stop off at nearly every booth. She made it up to me later when we lost track of time at a bar down the street. Her brother and sister-in-law stopped by (sister-in-law's parents live up there and they were visiting) and they bought like four rounds. I bought some avocados right before we left, I put them in a brown paperbag when we got back and they're STILL harder than Beth's dick after watching a Megan Fox/Scarlett Johansson sex tape.

In other news, Lean Pockets were 6 for $10. I loaded up on Cheeseburger Pockets. Bombsauce.

Maybe I should get to some sporting news.

Elgin Baylor out, Mike Dunleavy in. Honestly, Dunleavy's been doing the job for the last couple of years anyway, so it's no real biggie. Baylor's workday mainly consisted of searching YouTube for videos to email to his friends and answering his phone "Not now, I'm busy watching some dood gets kicked in the nuts" when another GM calls him. Man, I really need to get me one of those GM jobs.

Woman charged with stalking Luke Walton. "I could tell by the stuff she was saying that she's not all there in the head -- which makes me feel bad for her. At the same time, most people who go on killing sprees are people who aren't all there in the head." Way to be completely racist against psychos and serial killers, Luke. Your father raised you better than that.

And finally...CUBS SUCK. Go Dodgers!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Tem Time

Well it is Tuesday again, so that means it is time for me to get to ramble on and on about stuff nobody cares about. But they should. They should care because it would make me feel better. It would give me a false sense of worth. Which is good even if it is false. So read this and care about it.

I went to Morgantown this past weekend for the WVU vs Rutgers game. It was pretty fun. I didn't do a lot of tailgating, well actually any, but I walked by some. I wish I would have gotten to do some tailgating. Anyway I digress. Let's tell a few stories about the trip:

1) I met up with my friends in a Walmart parking lot so we could car pool down from there. I was the first to get there so I was just standing outside my car when this lady comes out of the store with a can of pop (soda/coke). She drops the can of pop and in slow motion (at least it seemed like slow motion to me) bent down picked up the can, looked at it like a confused puppy looks at humans and then opened it. The damn thing exploded all over her and she starting cussing and yelling at it. Apparently she didn't know that the thing would explode. High comedy.

2) Not 2 minutes after the pop lady got in her Cadillac Escalade and left a car pulls right up next to me and parks. Because I am just meeting people I am parked way far away from the store. Anyway, these two kids get out of the car. The driver is about 17 and the other kid looked about 10. Anyway, the 10 year old is on crutches. So the 10 year old says "son of a bitch, you couldn't park closer??" and the 17 year old says "shut up peckerhead you gotta learn to walk right" Hilarious.

3) At WVU games, at least around the stadium there is no need to hide open containers. Apparently it isn't illegal. In fact right outside the stadium they have about 300 huge recycling bins for your empty bottles and cans. It is awesome. Fuck plastic cups just drink that Natty Light right from the bottle. By the by I had never seen Natty Light in a bottle before.

4) Everyone at WVU games wears WVU outfits, except the dumb fans from the other team. I've been to many OSU games and I can say that not everyone wears OSU gear. At WVU everyone does. It is cool.

Random Placement of Movie review:

The Secret Life of Bees


I really hate to even talk about this movie because it is basically going to cause World War 3. But this time it isn't humans against humans, it will be humans against bees. Really the bees are going to be pissed about this one. In this movie some yahoo exposes the secret life of bees. Apparently bees have been creating a massive honeycomb army and it is big, yeah yeah yeah, it's not small, no, no, no. They have also been figuring out ways to fly into space. It turns out bees are smart mother fuckers. Anyway, bee technology is pretty good as this movie shows. The honeycomb is one of nature's strongest designs and the bees are masters of it. Basically think Mighty Morphin Power Rangers type stuff, except with bees and honeycombs. Scary ass shit. Anyway, that's just a heads up, the bees are coming and they are bringing friends.

Back to the movie....the movie focuses on Andrew, a bee engineer in the honeycomb army. Really he is a boring guy. Until he tries on the honeycomb suit. After that all hell breaks lose and he tears up the hive. Then later he sees the error of his ways and helps put it back together. There is also a side story about a wasp.


5) Every time my friend would see a black guy in a Rutgers shirt he would point and say "look, Bill Cosby is here." I think he might be racist or something.

6) Coach Stew is a moron. 4th and inches and he calls a QB sweep out of the shotgun.

7) Coach Stew is a moron. He has a kicker who can kick the ball out of the back of the end zone with ease, especially with a breeze at his back, but instead decides to squib kick it near the end of the half. Rutgers ends up starting on their 40 and scores to end the half. Just kick the ball out of the end zone and make them go 80 yards....moron.

8) It is really easy to tell the drunk people who are from the area from ones who are not. Drunks who are not fall down a lot because they are not used to walking drunk on hills. Drunks from the area are experts at walking while drunk on a hill.


OK now onto other things:

White Sox, thanks for showing up. Same to you Angels.

Screw my fantasy teams, they suck.

The Terminator show last night was pretty good. Brian Austin Green is OK in my book. Also I am pretty sure he got to nail Megan Fox so he is awesome.

Kurt Warner wants to quit now that he got Boldin hurt. That's right Kurt, its always got to be about you. Screw you and your husband.

Movie Review:

It's in the middle of the thing this time. I am tired of you folks just skipping to the end. Go find it you rat bastards.

Monday, October 06, 2008

1st monday of october 2008

I don't want it anymore.

you all can take it, and shove it up your asses.

Friday, October 03, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Cub fans must really love Big Z. Standing ovation as he left the mound down 7-0. Don't cry Joshua. The sun will come up tomorrow. Orgeon State is a bitch to deal with huh? Pitt upsets South Florida, Dickie V was on ESPN talking rays baseball, shoot me. Oh and thanks for showing up Milwaukee. Now I have to sit through a Phillies NLCS. Thanks.

Where I Stand
Cash: (142.50)
Picks: 14-11

Yikes, nailed 3 out of 4 but the wally don in me wagered it all on the Jax/Hous and Phi/Chi game. Now I'm in a bind. Let's see if I can wiggle out of it.

Oklahoma -27 over Baylor
Question: If you saw a guy on the street drop a $100 bill on the floor and he didn't realize it would you pick it up and keep it? Same principal here. (Straight Bet : $100)

Florida State @ Miami under 43
Under is 24-8 in MIAMI last 32 home games. Under is 13-6 in MIAMI last 19 conference games. ANNNNND besides last year 37-29 Miami victory the prior scores have all been under 40, dating back to 2004. (Straight Bet : $50)

USC - 17 over Oregon
Blowout. Revenge for last year. Anger from last week. Lock it up. (Straight Bet : $150)

Pro me

Colts -3 over Houston
First home game for Houston since Ike slapped Tina. Peyton took reps everyday to get shit straight. Told his o-line to be cool. And even bought a wallet that said bad motherfucker on it.
(Straight Bet : $150)


Baltimore +3 over Tennessee

Hunch. If Baltimore can plug the running game early, which they are capable of doing, I see a couple of turnovers that the Ravens will cash in on early. I think they upset the Titans, give them there first loss and inflict a little pain at home. Call is 24-13 with a pick six by Ed Reed. This is also the Titans first real home game. (If-Bet: $100)

Philly -6 over Wash
If bet. Not sure about it. An if bet is a wager that only gets placed if the first bet hits. So in this case what I will do is I will wager on the Ravens under an If-Bet. And If the Ravens wager hits, I will automatically have a wager on this game. It's sort of a safe fail against losing too much. Not all bookies do this because it's a courtesy. You pay triple vig because these games are on at the same time. If the Ravens don't hit I lose $130, normally with a $10 vig I lose $110. Any questions? As far as the game goes Philly hasn't lost a home game since last November. Washington coming off a high in beating Dallas.....Philly needs this game more.
(If-Bet $50)

I am golfing here tomorrow for charity, even though I don't believe in charity, there will be beer, food and I am bringing a scotch filled flask.

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino