Monday, June 30, 2008

Contrary To Popular Belief, My Computer Is Not Gay.


Its too damn busy here, and I'm a shitty typist.

A few things off the top.

My sister was at the very least, mildly flattered that the bisexual chick thought she was cute. She blushed and everything. Hilarity.


I'm a pervert. But not in the weird, crazy, EP, knockin' one-out-at-the-computer-while-surfing-Redtube kind of way. More along the lines of I'm-looking-down-as-many-shirts-as-possible way.



I did some longboarding last night. I'm surprised more people don't die doing that.


I didn't watch any sports this weekend. I was way too busy pouring vodka down my gullet.

Sweet. Here comes a fat broad with a van full of wedding gifts. People are so fucking stupid.

I'm just watching Miggy unload this bitch's van, and I can see the misery in his face. Sucker.

Sorry about the sad state of this post. Why is this whore talking to me? I'm not dealing with you.

I totally had a good Pecos Deke story. You can either blame my alcoholism or blame the fat Wisconsin people that keep coming in here.

Fuck it. I'm done.

Friday, June 27, 2008

It's a diary, sort of.

Semi-live NBA draft diary

7:51pm - Don't like OJ in Minny but hey, he was the best player in the draft. At least he can't get in trouble. So cal >>>>>>>>>>>>> Minny. Rocking some butt ugly shoes. And what's with the beard.

7:54 - Sonics take Westbrook. Wow. I thought the Knicks were reaching at #6. Donnie Walsh definetely just tossed a legal pad across the room. Jesus.

7:56 - I like Bilas. Good analyst. Van Gundy still needs sleep.

7:57 - The SAS interviews along with this wench are going to get funnier as the night go on. Stu Scott trying to rile the crowd up. Asshole.

7:58 - I hope the Italian kid understands they are going to boo him lustily. Mostly because they haven't seen him play. And because they are probably sauced. From what I hear he would have ripped up college.

8:00 - Pineapple Express? I don't know what to make of it.

8:01 : Gotta go Love hear if your Memphis no?

8:02 : Yup. I'm good.

8:03 : Ok. I'm hyperventilating. I don't know what the Knicks are doing. Are they going
PG in Augustine? Or Bayless? Are they going Euro in Danilo? Gordon? They might go Gordon. Jesus that kid is a mess. Talented but a mess. Starbury will turn him into a jewel thief for sure. They ain't taking the retard from WVU. Or one of the Lopez dunk dummies. At least I hope not. Fuck. I'm sweating. I like Bayless. And I've watched enough Youtube clips on the Italian to not be totally pissed if they take him. Get this bitch out of here already! Fuck. Who is this cunt? She has fat arms. Fuck, here we go...............................oh jesus, oh jesus, oh jesus....please....

8:07 : Ok. Ok. Breathe. I saw this coming. We all did. Don't laugh at me. Don't you dare laugh at me! Pull up his clips. This is not Frederic Weis part deux. Stop it. Personally I wanted Bayless. At lease Steph don't speak Italian. I need a break.

8:13 : Gordon has a prom suit on. How cute. His screwed in Clipperland.

8:18 : The Gund said Knicls don't need PG help. Said Starbury, if he played to his potential, is good enough. Um yeah. Gund, that's what we've been saying. You need more than talent to play in the NBA Gund. The Gunder. Gunderoni.

8:20 : Gotta track the draft online for a little while. The kid wants to watch The Backyardigans.
Fuck off. At least I'm not in a movie theater watching Kung Fu Panda.

8:20 : Retard from WVU went to the Bucks. Kid can score. I have nothing else to add.

8:21 : Bobcats up. No clue on where they are going with this pick. No idea who they need. Forgot they were even in the league.

8:25 : They went Augustine. He must be thrilled.

8:29 : Nets should go B. Rush. Replace some perimeter scoring RJ provided.

8:32 : D'oh. A Lopez? Weird. I don't care but that wasn't a bright pick.

8:33 : Pacers got the PG situation under control now. I'd say a power forward now. Maybe the LSU kid or the Kansas guy Arthur. Rush would fit there too.

8:36 : They took Bayless. Best available approach? Ok. Now they have 4 PG's. Interesting. A trade seems imminent. Goodbey Tinsley. You wield a powerful broom stick.

8:38 : Sacratomatoe up. I hope they don't think Udrich can run that team. They should take Chalmers. Let's see. Unrelated Brad Miller is pulling in 10.5MM this season. Chew on that.

10:25 : I missed some picks. Kid was a bastard to get down for the night. A real terror.

While I was gone trades happen. Discuss in the comments.

Closing thoughts:

Jason Thompson was surprise. Joey Dorsey was not a first round pick. I thought he would go late twenties. Hibbert to Totonto is interesting.

Lopez in Phoenix makes some sense.

Sonics got D.J White from the stons' for some 2nd rounders. Veteran move there by DOOOOOOMars.

Chalmers dropped too. Weird

What's the Gunderoni's wingspan? 2 feet?

I'm done. More thoughts tomorrow.

Save the Sonics.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The No Knowledge Lottery Mock

This is pretty much guaranteed to be awful, considering my considerable lack of NBA knowledge. At some point I might just shammy it up and copy someone else's mock. I'm only mocking the lottery picks, deal with it.

1. The Chicago Bulls select Derrick Rose, guard who didn't graduate from Memphis.
He's like, from Chicago. And apparently really good. It seems certain they're going to pick him, so I'm not going to try to figure out why.

2. The Miami Heat select OJ Mayo, guard who didn't graduate from USC.
Pat Riley hates black people, so there's no way he's selecting Beasley. Who cares if the Heat already have a guard who loves the ball in his hands? It appears the Heat are going to count on Alonzo Mourning to anchor their frontcourt. It's almost certain he dies this year.

3. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Michael Beasley, forward who didn't graduate from Kansas State.
Beasley apparently lost 3 inches between the end of college and now. He was trying to appeal to the Kod crowd. His strategy worked brilliantly. People keep saying Beasley is better than Durant. Although, admittedly, it isn't hard to be better than a twig that jacks up 40 shots a game.

4. The Seattle LameDucks select Joe Alexander, forward who didn't graduate from West Virginia.
This move didn't make much sense to me. But then I remembered how much the Sonics owners are trying to piss off the fan base. And what better way is there to do that than drafting a retard?

5. The Memphis Grizzlies select Kevin Love, forward who didn't graduate from UCLA.
Jerry West loves old school players, so here he selects Kevin Love, who loves being old. Oh, Jerry West doesn't work for the Griz anymore? Too late now. Also, Love likes the Beach Boys, so he's got that going for him.

6. The New York Knicks select Danilo Gallinari, ninny forward from Italy.
I love this pick for the Knicks. I think it lets them continue their tradition of playing like crap. D'Antonio apparently had sex for 8 years with Danilo's father. Mike may or may not be Danilo's father.

7. The Los Angeles Clippers select Jerryd Bayless, guard who didn't graduate from Arizona.
Since Shaun Livingston is dead and Sam Cassell the alien was shipped off to Bahston, the Clippers need a new point guard to dangle in trade rumors. Bayless is young and has TREEEEEEEEEEEMENDOUS upside, so he fits that role well.

We've now reached the halfway point in this stupid mock draft. Time for a word from our sponsor, the hit new TV show on ABC, "Wipeout."



8. The Milwaukee Bucks select DJ Augustin, guard who didn't graduate from Texas.
Deke wanted me to say the Bucks would pick DJ. Ask him why.

9. The Charlotte Bobcats select Russell Westbrook, guard who didn't graduate from UCLA.
Michael Jordan is an awful GM/President/Owner/Underwear Model. That's why he's picking a point guard of equal value to one they already have. Almost forgot, Larry Brown sucks. So there.

10. The New Jersey Nets select Brook Lopez, center who didn't graduate from Stanford.
The Nets are trying to become more attractive in an effort to woo LeBron James two years from now. Being the first NBA team to select a female would definitely entice James to come see if he could bang Brook. Expect Brook to fall apart now that her siamese twin, Robin was dejoined.

11. The Indiana Pacers select Eric Gordon, guard who didn't graduate from Indiana.
Hmm, how did this happen? It seems shocking that Gordon would end up here. This would be the perfect way to get the Pacers fan base fired up again. Trade away dead weight like JO and Tinsley and pick up local guy EG? Can't get much better.

12. The Sacramento Kings select Roy Hibbert, center who actually graduated from Georgetown.
The Kings want a player that can take on Ron Artest in a freestyle rap battle. Sacramento sees phenominal upside in Hibbert and hope he can blossom into a Shaq-like rapper. No word on Roy's deputy potential.

13. The Portland Trail Blazers select Mario Chalmers, guard who didn't graduate from Kansas.
The Trail Blazers are hoping that Chalmers can teach Oden and McRoberts how to win during March Madness. He'll bring the kind of veteran presence you just can't draft. Plus, he's never been to jail, so that's a big plus.

14. The Golden State Warriors select Kosta Koufus, center who didn't graduate from Ohio State.
Kosta is just the type of Grecian gangster that can set Stephen Jackson straight. Tales of Aristotle, Socrates, Plato and Pythagoras are just what the Oakland community needs. Philosophize this, retard.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Links

Iam is going here to maybe get a shot at performing here. I wouldn't recommend he go here. But if all goes well he may just end up on this list. And then end up with something like this.

Just don't forget this IAM, no musician is good without it.

And now some SFW Booty for a Wed.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Nonsense From Tem

Nonsense From Tem is a good title to anything I post. Ever. I'm pretty sure all my sentences are structured correctly, it's just that sometimes the meaning of the sentence is nonsense. Sadly, that's just the way my brain works. Everything is technically correct, but the end results are fracked up. Anyway, let's get to some nonsense.


Shaq rap about Kobe is hilarious. Of course Shaq stopped being relevant about 16 weeks ago so I don't give a rats ass what he says. The Shaq era in the NBA is clearly over. I'm not sure what era it is now but I am sure it ain't the Shaq era. And Shaq covering it up by saying he was just freestyling is beyond dumb. Clearly Shaq hates Kobe. That's fine. I hate lots of people. I hate this chick from downstairs because she is a bitch. She's gotten a little fat lately, added a pouch to her stomach, so now I call her Kangaroo. I think its fucking hilarious, others don't. Whatever. I don't apologize for it. It is what it is. Everyone agrees that she is a bitch, but somehow "kangaroo" is crossing the line. Fuck the line and whoever made it.

In random dream news all of my dreams last night were based on the TV show Simon and Simon. I'm not sure what to make of that. I'm not sure I want to even try. It was nice to see each dream end up in a tidy manner though. Usually my dreams just end with no real resolution in place. All of these dreams (and there were like 5 of them) ended with Simon and Simon catching the bad guy and neither of the Simon brothers scoring with the victimized woman. Oh, and in case you were wondering I was not in the dreams myself, I was pretty much just watching Simon and Simon display mad detective skills.

Melo: Don't trade me, I'm awesome.

Nuggets: OK we won't trade you, but you are suspended for maybe getting a DUI.

Melo: OK well tell me if you are going to trade me.

Something about that just makes me laugh. 85% chance he gets traded.

Meiz, enjoy the Joe Alexander era in Milwaukee, they are drafting him, write it in pen (but keep the white out handy just in case). I know the kid looks just a little retarded. OK, very retarded, but apparently he is not and apparently he has a good motor and a high IQ. Whatever, kid can shoot the ball if he wants to. Of course after you pay him lots of money he might not want to try anymore. $$$ changes folks. Also, don't expect much defense out of him. He used up his defense playing for Huggins.

Why is this Imus fucker in the news again? Let's let him die and let George Carlin come back to life. Or you know, someone else. Pretty much anyone. Bring back Teddy Roosevelt, I hear he was hilarious.

So, I'm running late. Movie Review time:

Get Smart

This is a movie that has just come out, so I know a lot of you, like me, haven't seen it yet. So that will make my review all the more useful to you.

Get Smart stars that guy from either The Office or the Colbert Report. They are really the same dude, but most people don't believe that. Whatever. Anyway, it's also got Anne Hathaway in it, who showed the goods in Havoc. She doesn't show the goods here. It ain't that type of movie.

Basically the plot (SPOILER ALERT) of this movie is that you got a dude who is pretty dumb (aforementioned Office/Colbert guy) and wants to "get smart." That's where Hathaway comes in. She decides to home school his ass and hilarity ensues (think scenes from Billy Madison where the hot chick is trying to teach Billy).

Quick side note: That chick from Billy Madison is hot as hell. 100 helmet stickers to anyone who produces some nude pics of her. 10 helmet stickers for nip slips. Nip slips don't get 100 stickers, don't even try to argue.

Anyway, so Hathaway is trying to get this guy smart. But he's dumb. Finally they just figure out a way for someone else to take his tests and that dude aces all the tests. Then the government steps in and says "wait how the hell did you 'get smart'?" So they study him. But the problem is that he is still dumb. He never 'got smart.' So the government puts him up against monkeys (everyone loves monkeys) in a series of IQ tests. Hilarity ensues. (Think Hooch outsmarting Turner.)

So the government throws Colbert/Office man out on the streets. He meets up with a retarded homeless person (played by Jim Carey, type casting for sure) and they hang out for awhile, hilarity ensues. (Think Dumb and Dumber). Finally Colbert/Office man and the retard win the lottery and become millionaires.

The moral of the story is two fold. 1, if you ain't smarter than a monkey, then find a retard or Jim Carey, you'll "get smart" then. Smart by comparison counts. 2, if you have enough money nobody cares if you "got smart" or not. You are assumed to be smart (see Donald Trump). Note that this does not apply to people who had their parents give them a lot of money (see Paris Hilton).

4 out of 5 helmet stickers (lots of ensuing hilarity).

The End.

Monday, June 23, 2008

The Catch Of The Day

This is the fish my dirty hippie sister caught 3 weekends ago.

I caught a whopping 2 fish this weekend. This is the one that was more in focus. I'm a terrible fisherman. Although I got some pointers from a couple of guys on how to fish this river and what's in the river.


This little girl was a toad catching machine on Friday.



I'm not sure what to write yet. Maybe more booze will help.

Maybe EP can help me catch fish, since I'm sure NY has the best anglers.

I love going in to the cupboard or fridge and finding the item I'm after in a ziploc bag, and completely unsealed. Mmmmmm. Stale crackers. Oooooooh. Green, moldy cheese. Deeelish.

Fuck the fucking Cubs. They ain't that good.

What are the Mets looking like? Lemme check. Okay. I'd say the Mets are in pretty good shape to win the division.

It would be nice if the Cubs would lose once in a while, though.

Fucking shit. I'm in some serious pain right now. I gotta go lay down.

Ah fuck it. My back hurts really bad. I'm going to bed.


To round it out, here's one of the pics I may or may not submit the the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's snapshot contest.

Friday, June 20, 2008

♦ on my neck

I saw the best jazz ensemble band in the world in the subway on the way home yesterday. This is what makes NYC so great. That and instead of one or two good pizza joints we have 6 or 7. Hundred. We also have the biggest rats you ever seen. I saw one the other day on the subway tracks and I could have sworn is was a armadillo. Even though there are no armadillos in NYC, it was that big. TWSS.

Your my ♦ girl. YES.YES.


I want to swim in a pool of Peroni.


If I had period blood on my pants I'd freeaaaaakk out. Like for real yo.


Dave Matthews Band is awful deke. Stop it.


I would like a house in Ocean City, MD. A Condo on South Beach. A lake house on Lake Michigan. A cabin somewhere in the Pacific Northwest and, and a timeshare in Cabo San Lucas., Mexico. That is living phat.


One of my uncles is a big shot at Credit Suisse. He makes 1.2MM a year not including whatever sick bonus he gets. How sick is that. Could happen to me. EVERYDAY I"M HUSTLIN', EVERYDAY I'M HUSTLIN'.


Betting baseball is somewhat easy. My wife wont let me have a gun. I saw that coming.


Remember how awesome the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were? Fucking loved those dudes.


Anyway there were no sports yesterday. Tiger had a small procedure done today. He had to get one nut removed. Apparentely he had three nuts. Which explains why he's been so good and why he bagged such a scorching hot woman. Doctors say the third nut symdrome or "Tres Testes" occurs when black men have sex with Asian woman. Totally didn't know that.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

ESPN Customer Care

Hello,

Thank you for contacting the League Office.

If a Fantasy Football team owner chooses not to keep the maximum number of players allowed, they will draft a new player from the available pool. The available pool will not include any players designated to be a keeper. Assuming a four team league with a maximum of three keepers, where two owners choose not to keep three players, the draft will occur as follows:

Adam - first pick - keeping 3 players
Brian - second pick - keeping 2 players
Chris - third pick - keeping 3 players
Dave - fourth pick - keeping 0 players

1st Round:
Adam obtains first of three keepers
Brian obtains first of two keepers
Chris obtains first of three keepers
Dave drafts a player from available player pool

2nd Round:
Adam obtains second of three keepers
Brian obtains second of two keepers
Chris obtains second of three keepers
Dave drafts player from available player pool

3rd Round:
Adam obtains third of three keepers
Brian drafts player from available player pool
Chris obtains third of three keepers
Dave drafts player from available player pool

4th Round (regular draft selections for all owners, snake begins):
Adam drafts player from available player pool
Brian drafts player from available player pool
Chris drafts player from available player pool
Dave drafts player from available player pool

5th Round ((regular draft selections for all owners):
Dave drafts player from available player pool
Chris drafts player from available player pool
Brian drafts player from available player pool
Adam drafts player from available player pool

Draft continues in snake order until all rosters are full.



Thank you for playing ESPN.com Fantasy Games!

For live assistance with this or any other issue, please call Customer Care at 1-888-549-3776 (ESPN) between 7:00 am and 2:00 am EST.

Regards,

Corey
ESPN.com Customer Care

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tomorrow's News Today!

-It's NFL preview time!!

We're gonna do a broad, sweeping preview though. I'll leave the in-depth stuff to those that understand the forward pass better than myself.

NFC - Division Winners: Philly, Minnesota, Carolina, Arizona. Wild Cards: Dallas, Seattle.

AFC - Division Winners: New England, Cleveland, Indy, Denver. Wild Cards: Pittsburgh, San Diego.

It's gonna come down to Whale's Sleeve/Cleveland, and Seattle/Carolina. No one will care. Take your pick on who wins.. cause at this point, I'm doin the preview and I dont even care. Those matchups blow. Glad that I won't have my Sunday Ticket this year. I didn't watch it for shit last year anyway. The result? Like any other year.. big, hairy, over-HGH'd men grind themselves against one another into sweaty lather while wearing colorful combinations of spandex. It continues to hold its spot as America's number one (and most masculine) sport.

-Chad Johnson had surgery in the offseason right before training camp and never recovered. By week 8, he is still rehabbing and talking lots of shit. He appears in one game late in the season (wek 14), looks sluggish, and reinjures the (foot/knee/whateverhehadsurgeryon). He is cut after the season. He quits football to become a professional "gold teeth guy" in rapper's videos and starts his own clothing company. We later find out the original cause of his injury: He was victim of a drive-by rickshawing while vacationing in Sri Lanka.

-Bulls draft Beasley and he averages 16.6, 4.5, 2.7 and takes the ROY. Greg Oden would've been up for it, but he died in a plane crash in the Andes.

-Nascar drove in circles and nobody cared. This news is the same yesterday, today and forever.


-In news that previously happened... I woke up the other night at about 3am to a noise that sounded like fluttering above my head. My windows were open, so I figured it might just be a bird perched outside being a bastard. I looked out the windows and found nothing. I forgot about it and tried to go back to sleep. 20 minutes later, I heard the noise again and when I opened my eyes I swore I saw a small black figure dart from my ceiling to the corner of my room. I waited another few minutes, hearing nothing, and thinking I might've still been juiced from the heroin. A moment later, I heard and saw something in the hallway. I got up and looked down the hall, with help from the bathroom light. I saw a little critter buzzing around the living room. A fucking bat.

Long story short, cause it's meeting time and people are having a potluck in my honor (awh thanks). An hour and a half later (1.5, not .5 hrs) I was back in bed. It took forever, it finally flew out into the porch area, then I opened a door from the outside and poof.

But damn if that didn't suck for a while there.

-This post is brought to you by Anything But Basketball, because I'd rather choose to ignore the obvious.

Bye.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

3:15am

The Mets fire Willie at 3:15am. The list of things that should be happening at 3:15am is a short one and I can guarantee firing someone is not on there. 3:15am is a time for a drunken rally or a drunken hookup or some "are you awake? yeah me too." sex. Getting fired shouldn't happen at 3:15am unless you are a graveyard shift worker. I don't think Willie was. So, am I shocked he got fired? No. Does the timing baffle me? Yes, because it was at 3:15am. I mean, go to sleep you bastards.

Also this 3:15am brings up another point. Why the fuck does the media need to nail down the time he got fired to the minute?? Well you know what? I am not satisfied! I demand to know how many seconds we were into that minute. Was it really closer to 3:16am?? Did everyones watch in the room say 3:15am or did someone else have a different time?? These are the hard hitting questions that our so called media should be asking. Frankly, the whole situation just grinds my gears.

Finally, Jerry Manuel takes over? Good luck with that.

Hilarity in the WWL headlines: "Yankees' Wang shelved until at least Sept." I mean come on, everyone there at the WWL is laughing at that. They've been writing Wang headlines for months waiting to bust them out at the right time.

More Shamoffing from me: Javon Walker died or something, if you care go read the article yourself.

El Tardo fired up a tennis article for the magazine??? That is a major WFT for me. Who's idea was this?? I can't wait until the Omnibus writes about how certain writers at the WWL should just stick to the sports they know and not try to branch out into even gayer arenas.

In other news there were over 800 comments on last post. I did not read them. I will do so now, I expect hilarity and nothing less.

No movie review because tits never posts enough on Tuesdays. Blame her.


OK since I am a sucker for women Beth has convinced me to add a tem movie review:

To Kill A Mockingbird.

This is another classic movie that was based on a book. Obviously the book is better because you can't really take a movie hunting with you. So if you have the book you can read the instructions on how to shoot the bird without scaring the bird. So anyway, this movie is basically a big instructional video. Of course it can't help itself and gets a little preachy (although it never really addresses the need to kill a mockingbird). Anyway, if you ever wanted to know how to track and kill a mockingbird this is the movie for you. The tracking they demonstrate is pretty high level tracking, so try not to get lost. It is very heavily influenced by the Native American style of tracking. In that style you mimic another animal so that the mocking bird is not scared. Generally speaking a turkey is easy to mimic. If you act like a turkey the mockingbird will let you get close and you can line up a much easier shot. Native Americans had to master this technique because their bows and arrows did not allow them to take down a deer from 1500 meters away. Also they did not have any four wheelers. Anyway, if the tracking in the movie is too difficult to follow the book has a lower level tracking section (in Chapter 10: Run The Damn Thing Over With Your Honda), but the movie (due to time constraints) skips that part.

I feel the need to tell everyone that there is a little known fact about this movie. It is a sequel to I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings. In that movie we learn that the Caged Bird sings because it is about to get shot. Of course if the bird knows it is going to get shot it has the advantage. To Kill a Mockingbird is designed to take that advantage away and allow you to, well, kill the mockingbird.

Anyway, I'd give this movie 2 helmet stickers out of 5. For an instructional video it is pretty entertaining. But really the instructional video has a cap of 2 helmet stickers.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Extenuating Circumstances

I am un able to slap up the BS that is usually the Monday post. so, here it is.


The US Open.

The NBA Finals.

Interleague play.

Wimbledon prep.


And yes, I'll be at fucking work tomorrow.

No, I'm not in EP's boat.

I did pour out a little for his Godfather

Friday, June 13, 2008

Random Post That Actually Involves Sports.

I am spot-starting today for El Pad because he is in mourning. Sorry to hear about that El P.

So I'm checking ESPN like I'm Shamhoff after he wakes up and boots his computer. Time to get my copy/paste on:

Of course the hot story is the Lakers blowing a 24-point lead. Someone please check on Spiff to see if he's still alive. This is the matchup that everyone wanted, but I've gotta say, it's been terrible so far. Lakers look horrible. Celtics haven't really played much better. No team has ever come back from 3-1; it's science. SG will write about THE BEST GAME EVAR!1!1!1! and how Paul Pierce is a golden god today.

Federal investigators ax two ex-refs about Dick Bavetta. I am positive that they're asking questions about that foot race against Barkley during half-time at the All-Star game. I heard he had 5 G's on Barkley at 2:1. Bavetta is dirty.

It's not too early for someone to set up the LoV Fantasy Football League. Yahoo announced yesterday that leagues are forming, and they finally added a keeper option. I'm just sayin'.

Marshawn Lynch is single-handedly trying to take down the entire Bills franchise. Well, at least there's other things to do in Buffalo besides root for the local football team. Oh, wait a minute, no there's not...

Wagner implodes, Mets lose. In his last three games, Wagner is sporting a 23.14 ERA. Ouch. Maybe it's time to look at other options, Willie.

If the NFL could hurry up and start this weekend, that would be great.

White Jesus with a pinch hit double in the 8th. He also turned a bottle of water that the first base coach was holding into wine while rounding first. It is a good thing that the Cincy isn't playing in L.A. for the rest of this year, I might have found myself hanging out in front of the Reds dressing room and offering to do things to WJ that I would regret later. Whew.

Some Golf news: Tiger and some dude named Phil got paired up; I'm getting bored just writing about it.

Keith's fantasy team continues to be death for professional baseball players. Eric Karabell will blog about "players to avoid" today and it will consist of a screenshot of Keith's team.

So my plan to save Hollywood involves a mandate that Mike Myers and Adam Sandler can only make movies together from now on. That way, we only have to sit through one preview debacle instead of two. Seriously, who is going to go see "Don't Mess With the Zohan" and "The Love Guru"? I heard a rumor that the FBI is showing both of those movies as double-feature during interviews with Al Qaeda sleeper cells as a "breaking technique". I am positive that somehow my mandate will solve world hunger and it may also convince OPEC to lower gas prices. You can thank me later.

For those of you who missed LoVad, here's a quote from Freak: "things be crazy, you". That should pretty much sum up the drunkfest that was last night. We have also started the first ever LoV business investment: it's a delivery service where stoners and drunks can order Taco Bell without having to leave their residence. Unfortunately, LoV members will be spending most of their profits on using the service for themselves. El Pad will announce the IPO and how to invest next week. Stay tuned.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Boom Kokomo Boom

Yeah, so I haven't seen any sports since Sunday...

I've been in some hick town all week. I think they try to brainwash outsiders. All I hear everywhere I go is country music. I want to die.

Anyone else feel free to add to this piece of crap. I got more important stuff to do.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Rigger, please.

The NBA is rigged? Really?!

Personally, I love the fact that Stephen A wrote a column about how the NBA's "dream season" has basically been ruined/tainted by this. Seeing someone put it into words just makes it more real and more satisfying. The NBA got exactly what they desired, but wouldn't admit, then they got taken out back behind the woodshed and got blindsided & pummeled. Yeah man, the truth can hurt like a bitch. (Just ask your girlfriends.) It's much better to just manipulate a series or two and be able to get those dream matchups instead. The NBA is dead to me. Sadly, most pro sports are becoming this way.

In general, I used to care but I don't think I can anymore. At least not in the same way I did when I was kid, that's fo' sho'. Oh sure, I still watch and still love rooting for my favorite teams.. but my love and devotion to sports has waned in my later years. (Yes, I'm so world weary at the ripe old age of 28). Basically, I can understand why non-sports fans think sports are such a joke. Why would anyone care about this stuff anyway? I started packing up some of my shit and throwing other things out, cause I'm moving to Nashville in a couple weeks, and inevitably I ran across some sports related memorabilia. To be honest, alot of that shit was not hard to chuck. I was no longer sentimental. Even though the stuff was cool and I still liked the items, I look at them and see lies. I see false hope. I see something that I once thought was pure and I see it dirty and with spots like the detergent couldn't warsh it. Yes, this may be slightly overdramatic, get over it. Those are the feelings that come to mind when I think of sports now. I finally admit that I see it for what it truly is and has always been.. a business. Not that this is breaking news or anything, but it's the moment where you have to finally explain to the kid in you that all the stuff you once believed in is fake. Like the Easter Bunny or Jesus or Mohammed. Some might say part of this could be due to "growing up". Some could attribute this to the disgusting display of cheating in EVERY FREAKIN SPORT and therefore, being jaded is a natural reaction. So far we haven't found cheating in hockey, so I'm still holding out hope. More false hope, cause judging from some calls in the Cup Finals I wouldn't be surprised. Really dough, you are either super badass or super juiced when you can take a slapshot to the face and come back 5 minutes later (See: Playoff hockey).
I think I have a love/hate relationship with everything. In this instance, I love the sports but hate the business/ownership. I think this applies to most things in my life. It's a strange way to process thoughts. I am a little off, but in a good way.


The fact that so many sports have cheating and fixing was pretty much inevitable. With that much money floating around, someone who isn't getting in on the action will eventually find a way to get themselves in on it. Doesn't matter who it is, what sport it is or what the steps are to get there (roids) people will go to those lengths to get what they want. Some get caught, most won't.

I feel like Mitch Albom. God I hate Mitch Albom. But he is even more dramatic than this. He is like this times 30. I could amp it up, but I will choose to take it down a notch. Sports and cheating.. whoopdeedoo! Like I said, not like this is surprising, it's just sad. I like to think of these things from a historical perspective. How are the current moments going to reflect in history? I think you acquire a better insight to the role of certain circumstances and then they don't seem so bad once you view them in the big picture. You can frame them and they basically seem necessary. Whether it be cheating in sports, CEOs stealing massive amounts of money or a black/female El Presidente, things need to happen. Eventually. So while Tim Donaghy is the scape goat, somebody had to do it. Somebody had to take down the machine. We just didn't want to admit it and then be forced to watch it.

So to you I say goodbye, purity. Thanks for the moments that we shared.

-Just for good measure.. PooHoles got hurt. Lick scroat, Weazy.. wherever you are.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Why is that again?

I can't even count the number times I have heard someone on TV say that horse racing needs a triple crown winner. Add the number of times that I have read the same sentiment and I have probably had this idea pounded into my head a billion times. Why is this happening again? Why is it that horse racing needs a triple crown winner? The basic argument is that it would garner horse racing far more good publicity and that all of the trainers and owners would hit the talk show circuit and millions of people would see them and fall in love with horse racing. This is a total load of bullshit. 100%. First Reason: Horse racing doesn't need a triple crown winner to get in the news, the media manufactures more than enough news for them whether there is a TC winner or not (see Barbaro, which I could talk about at length, but will spare you. You can thank me by sending me presents. Or See the daily reports on how Big Brown is feeling). Well I suppose that is only one reason, so in order to support my point a little more I'll be a nice guy and write a little more.

Second reason: Talk show circuits huh? Well all I have read so far is how much of a douchebag the trainer for Big Brown was. Oh he sucks, oh he is a dick, oh he is mean, oh karma bit his ass and that's why Big Brown lost, etc etc. So this is the guy that horse racing wants to go on talk shows? If you are going to get your ass in front of a segment of the population that isn't part of your fan base do you want someone you consider a douchebag to be your spokesperson???? Hell no. That would be like us getting a guest spot in an El Tardo article and sending Cumfast as our representative.

Third Reason then I am done talking about horse racing: The only reason I even care about horse racing is to see if some horse wins the TC. If Big Brown had won this year then I would probably go about 5 years before I even bothered to care who won the Kentucky Derby, let alone the other two races. Horse racing is popular because no horse has won the TC in so long. It's fan base expands because the TC is so rare and many people have never seen it happen in their lifetime. Do you think the borderline fan would rather watch something that is a possible once in a lifetime event, or watch something that happened last year?? Take the Chicago Cubs as an example. ESPN is pimping the hell out of them because they haven't won in so long. If the Cubs last won a World Series in 2003 nobody other than Cubs fans would care that they are in first. But since a Cubs WS is so rare the number of people who show interest in the Cubs' fortunes expands. It is the same with Horse Racing.


OK so now onto some other things that happened. Ken Griffey Jr. belts number 600. To KG Jr . I say well done. Too bad you were as fragile as an egg. Still though, you were seemingly always hurt and got to 600. Nice work.

Random Side Note: Hey guys who do traffic in the morning. Telling me where the accidents are doesn't really help me much. Especially since half the time I drive by that place there is no sign of an accident. It is 8:30 now, I don't care about an accident that happened at 6am unless it still has traffic backed up. How about just telling me where traffic is backed up. I really could care less why it is backed up. Just say 70 east is backed up for about 2 miles at the 670 split. That sentence tells me everything I need to know. Where the back up is and how long of a back up I am looking at. If there are lane closures then toss that info in as well.

Information nobody cares about: I watched Nashville Star on NBC last night. The singers were all horrid. The Can You Duet singers on CMT just blow these retards out of the water. I was embarrassed for country music. Read that again. I mean most folks would say "shouldn't you be already?" The fact that this is what embarrassed me says a lot.

Well this post is already late so let's just hit the movie review:

Full Metal Jacket

This movie is about airport security in post 9-11 America. I am not sure if it is supposed to be a comedy or not, but the unintentional comedy was off the charts. There is this guy (Ed Norton Jr.) who has this jacket that he wears every where. And yes, you guessed it, it is a full metal jacket. Of course the airport security guards (Robert Downey Jr. and Roy Jones Jr.) won't let him take the jacket past security. So Ed Norton Jr. just goes off and whines and complains and he gets tasered and punched and it is hilarious. Not to mention the hilarity about why someone would even have a jacket made completely of metal. I mean damn, isn't it really heavy? Even an aluminum jacket would be kinda heavy.

The movie ends with the jacket being confiscated and EN Jr. promising to get it back. I guess they were setting it up for a sequel.

In any case I give it 1.5 helmet stickers out of 5. It is awesome to see RJ Jr. punch EN Jr. and it is awesome when RD Jr. can't fit the jacket into the X-Ray machine. Both were high points of the movie. Without those scenes though the movie gets a 0.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Keith's Woman Ruined His Weekend




A) I can't stand women. They ruin everything.

B) I shouldn't have a girlfriend. I spend more time angry than content. Bad news bears.

C) How can one feel like an outcast when there's only 3 people around?


Zeke doesn't like my photos. Go. Fuck. Your. Self.

For the 1st time ever, I don't give a fuck about the NBA Finals. I feel dirty for it.

I want to fight someone. Just for the hell of it. Just to get punched in the face a few times.

All I wanna know, Where Fugees at?

I hate when iTunes fucks up & plays like 4 straight songs that I've already listened to.

I Feel Fine's opening guitar is legendary. Tyler be damned. That first bit of distortion is the first of its kind. Oh yeah, like you've never air-guitared that shit. Liars.

To Live & Die In LA makes me happy. Makes you proud of your town, doesn't it?

Birdman, muthafucka!

Seriously, I think Ziggy Stardust has arguably the best opening to a song. Yeah. I'll Air-G that one too.

Some Temducation-type shit to close... Some of my faves, fa sho.




Grindin'



Noreaga. Superthug.



All produced by Pharrell Wiliams/Neptunes.N.E.R.D. You'll see.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Live from Brooklyn, NY

Couple of fights in beisbol lately. Good stuff. I like that sort of play. Last week it was Kemp and Torrealba rolling around on the grass and last night it was Coco Puffs vs. the Rays.

I hate to say it but I have to. Black athletes are careless with their money. There is a slang term for this. One I won't print because it's insensitive and racist but I think you all know it. Sounds like : Trigga Rich. I'm looking at you Evander Holyfield.

Oh in case youz were wondering the Celts were +165 to win the series while the Lakes were -220. I know you guys rely on me for that information and I don't want to disappoint.

Now, it's been 30 years ok. 30. That's kind of a long time. Do you think Big Btown will win? I sure hope so. I love horse racing and I love history. Official bet for me will be a simple trifecta with Big Brown, Casino Drive (horse was specifically trained for this race) and Denis of Cork. Box the bet because shit, it's been 30 years.

Now, without further ado. My running diary of the 4th quarter of Game 1 between the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics. Enjoy.

(all standard eastern time)

Were live from the 6 room apartment aka The El Pad (literally a pad) in Brooklyn, NY. I have a Peroni standing tall, the A/C blasting away and am finishing off a slice of L&B pizza, my 6th of the night.

(Transcript)

11:14pm : There's a St.Bernard on the court talking to Doc Rivers.

11:16pm : I want to learn how to whistle like the Zen Master.

11:17pm : Everytime Powe grabs a rebound I think of Cameron Poe and Cyrus the Virus.

11:18pm : something, something Ted Kennedy, something else.

11:21pm : Posey WWWWWWWWWWIIIIDE Open 3. Someone missed a rotation. Time out Zen Master.

11:23pm : Was Pierce really hurt? I thought Forest Gump was going to sprint on the court and throw him on his back.

11:26pm : Sam Cassell should be sitting down right about know. Simmons is probably warming up some charcoal to swallow.

11:27pm : Fisher buries a jumper for his daughter.

11:28pm : I got $50 that says Turiaf's neck tattoo means "Ham Steak".

11:31pm : Kobe getting a blow. No white girls vagina's were torn during this blow.

11:34pm: The Strangers movie trailer is fucking frightening. Jesus.

11:34pm : Hancock? WFT?

11:35pm : Collier Brown Jr. with some nice help defense there.

11:36pm : Van Gundy is hilarious. Unrelated. Him and Stan have to have different fathers or mothers no? They do not look like brothers. A furry hedgehog and a tiny old pitbull. Yeah. Right.

11:38pm : Jackie Moon makes me laugh. I care nothing about whether or not the movie sucks. The commercials are money.

11:41pm : Vo-yah-chick most likely buys feminine products like Summer's Eve douche. Or Always unscented Maxi Pads with wings.

11:43pm : 2 minutes remaining, Gasol shoots 2, foul on the Big Ticket. I've learned in this playoffs that Gasol can finish like no one's business.

11:45pm : Rondo with a decent stat line here. Maybe I'm wrong about him. Celts up 6, arrow stays with Celts. Collier with a nice hand from the crowd.

11:46pm : BAAAAAAAAAAANGING HANNNNNGGING dunk follow from the Big Ticket, that was monstrous and the crowd ate it up. Game over as far as I'm concerned.

11:48pm : Garnett buries two huge ft's. T/O Zen Master C's up 8 with a minute.

11:49pm : Jolie killing people? I'm in.

11:51pm : Lakers not fouling. Odd. Kobe conceded there, like Hillary should have weeks ago.

11:52pm : Beat LA. How original. Looks like Kobe took the 4th quarter off. No serious. Ask me if MJ ever took off a 4th quarter in the Finals. Go ahead. Ask me. Shut your mouth when your talking to me. You know the damn answer to that.

11:53pm : C's had better D down the stretch. And Kobe must have a white girl waiting for him at the hotel cuz he split from this game with about 4 minutes to go. They win 98-88. Paul Pierce with a huge 3rd quarter once he came back from that sniper shot.

11:54pm : The St. Bernard is back. Where is security?

11:55pm : Game 2 Sunday - C's up 1-0.

From all of us hear at The El Pad we say goodnight and remember to spade and neuter your domestic pets.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Yup

The half of me's all about apathy, the other half just doesn't care.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

This is the final countdown

[Update: Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Stanley Cup Champion Detroit Red Wings!!]


...so sayeth the illustrious "Europe".

This is where it begins and the end is still TBD. Wait and watch for that. Hopefully there will be fireworks of all sorts, but I highly doubt it. Like most things in life (see: all) it'll just be a giant letdown. Kinda like the first date with Beth. Everybody here knows what that's all about...

-So my Wings better secure that Cup. Those bastards better not make me stay up til 1am rooting, hoping, carelessly caressing my inner thighs... only for them to lose. Again. Bastardos.

-Joe Dumars is talkin some shit. Go get em, Joe.

-The horse hoof stuff is off the heezy for sheezy. Just stop. I almost hope the damn horse dies so there is a huge fallout for the whole sport. Kinda like how I would almost hope for a giant fireball of crashes at a Nascar event. But only if it ends the sport. But NS, since money and greed are at the crux of this whole horse saga, I would love to see them all get fucked over while staring their gift horse in the mouth. Bitches.

-I am so hyped for the NBA Finals! OMG, I just can't believe the network's wet dream came true! I can't wait til the shares come in and make this the highest rated series EVAR! Too bad those old teams had All-Time players on their rosters.. Pau and Lamar versus Rondo and Perkins! Is it South Park that has a character that is a piece of poo? Cause whatever cartoon that is, it looks like KP43 (Kendrick Perkins). He looks like a giant turd. A giant turd with a sour look on his face, as if he just realized that he is a turd and now understands why that rank smell always follows him around. A turd that would steal your car while wearing faded blue sweat pants that were 3 sizes too small (with the obligatory one leg pulled up), a white mesh cutoff football jersey and Nude panty hose over his face. That kinda turd. A heaping pile of hot, sweaty, cantankerous douchebaggeryness.

Simply put, I'm not a fan. He bothers me for some reason. I'd rather listen to an Ace of Base record for the rest of my life than watch him play another quarter of basketball. I wish he was like one of those giant oval-shaped bouncy clowns that you can punch and then they pop right back up. I'd love to put a heel right in the chin of that bouncy little oval-shaped turd muffin. I might even throw a real strong hand-on-the-back-of-his-head knee thrust combo in there to vary it up too. We'll see how I feel in the moment. Just be reactionary.. don't plan.. soak up the Haterade and piss it out all over his ugly green w/black Celtics jersey. Really dough, how do u fuck up a classic jersey? Swap out black for white that's how. Amazing. At least when they did the gold trim uni's it had a point and it was just for a moment. I probably have Shammy quality facts about this whole deal, but every time i think of the shitty Celts, I now see those awful jerseys. Maybe they wore them like once, but damnit if it ain't burned into my memory. Screw you, Larry Bird. The Great White Flight. Makes his career and scrilla in Boston and then peaces out to the sticks. I don't even know what the reasons/logistics are for him not ever coming back to Boston, but he needs to sew up his storybook ending before it gets outta hand. I want closure. I don't even care about Larry, but I want a nice story out of all of this. And then Magic Aids can go back to banging white bitches in L.A. and we'll give him a back office job. "Back office" cause we don't want him rubbing off on anyone. He hangs out at Staples Center enough now to the point that we at least owe him a front for being there. Managment needs to help him out with a cover. God, if he didn't have a reason to be there it might just start looking really, really pathetic. Like Brett, the star quarterback at Hillsboro High coming back 15 years later and wearing his letterman jacket. Aids shouldn't get cut any slack.

Just give me my perfect Celts/Lakers storylines!! Cheese&Rice!

I'm actually kinda glad that Kobe is in the Finals again though. He is definitely the imitation Jordan of our generation and I like him. The kind that you could find on Ebay, overpay for and get far less quality out of. Such a crowd pleaser. That's my shit. I wouldn't pay 80$ for a Lacoste shirt, but you're damn sure I would flop the necessary 5.80$ out to make me look like I'm a big spender. I'm also super excited that he has brushed his legal concerns out of the public eye and redeemed himself through playing a better brand of team basketball. Like a legal team fighting together for one cause. It makes anal intrusion seem so distant.. so.. unimportant.

And since this ain't a subscription service, this is all you get.
I'm leaving soon.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Too bad I was asleep

So the Pens pulled it out in triple OT. I did not see the end of the game, but I saw some good hockey, well at least entertaining hockey. I watched the end of the 3rd period and the first and second OTs then went to bed. Fluery (Pens goalie) made some awesome saves, Osgood (Wings goalie) did not have to work near as hard. Anyway, it was a great game and I am glad I watched a good bit of it. Too bad I did not see the end. 2 things though before I stop talking about hockey. 1) Sykora apparently tapped on the glass and told the announcers he was going to score the game winner. (Or so said the announcer during the game) And then he did (or so says the WWL). Albeit he scored it about a whole period later, but he basically called his shot. 2) Why was I entertained by a hockey game where there was no scoring, but I hate soccer for the exact same reason?? I think it is because they don't flop as much. And when they do they don't roll around on the ice in fake pain for 20 seconds then get up and sprint.

David Ortiz to the DL, I guess Blue tried to trade for him. Blue is a bastard like that.

It is "Holier Than Thou." Not "Holier Then Now", or "Holier Than Though." It is a shortened form of Holier Than Thou Art. As in Rev believes he is Holier Than Thou Art. You don't need to capitalize all the letters though, I am just doing that because I want to.

Now Alou would have caught the Bartman ball....Damn piss hands, make up your mind!

The next UFC thing in England looks horrid. Not CBS Elite X horrid, but horrid. I'm not sure there is one fight I will want to watch. Of course I will, but that's not the point.

Sharapova is annoying as hell to watch play tennis. She makes waaayyy too much noise. I'd wreck her, but if I got the chance I would totally bring earplugs. She has to be extremely loud in the sack. Anyway, I am glad she lost in the French Open. By the By, "The French Open" would be a good name for a porn.

So I watched The Golden Compass last night. I gotta admit it was not a bad movie. I was fairly entertained. Obviously take that with a grain of salt because I am entertained by Necessary Roughness and Grease 2. Anyway, I noticed a couple things whilst watching it. 1) Nicole Kidman does in fact have a rocking body. Damn. I would wreck that six ways from Sunday. 2) This was a kids movie but during a bear fight one bear knocked the jaw clear off of the other bear. WFT? He knocked his whole fucking jaw off...Wow. Best CGI bear fight ever.

I also watched Baby Mama this weekend, it was OK. It had its moments.

It is a movie heavy post today. Movie review of a movie tem has never seen:

Boogie Nights

This movie is a sequel the the classic Harlem Nights. It is set in the town of Boogie and is basically Eddie Murphy just seeing how many times he can say "fuck" and still get an R rating. I believe he tops ten thousand. I've never seen Harlem Nights either, but irregardless I am going to say Harlem was better than Boogie because Boogie was just Eddie Murphy mailing it in for a check. Of course I have heard that Heather Graham gets full frontal for all of this movie, so maybe it is awesome. Really you shouldn't be axing me, I have never even seen it.

2 helmet stickers out of 5.

Monday, June 02, 2008

You Can Tell By The Hate In My Eyes...

I guess I'll start with some pics from the BrewCrew game.


Fat Prince

Mike Rivera after he got hit by a pitch. (Over dramatized)

Shawn Chacon getting roughed up in the 1st. He lasted an entire inning!

Hey! The roof was actually open!

Gotta love the old ladies that actually keep score of ballgames.

The new Braun bobblehead. Terrible effort



Again, I can't remember anything that I was going to write.

I suppose I'll update as the day goes on.

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino