Friday, May 30, 2008

The Kangaroos

I think movies (for the most part) are great because of their setting.

Tombstone for instance is excellent because of the mining town it's set in. That and because Billy Bob gets bitched. But you get the idea.

The Collins thing for a minute. Are we going to be sayin twenty years from nowm "Wow, The Kangaroos hired Avery Johnsonas coach". The Kangaroos by the way is an expansion team. They play in Arkansas. Don't ask. Anyway my point is, I think, that NBA coaches former/ex hang around the game long enough to be recycled. I mean I think Herb Williams would make a great coach, Or Tom Thibedeau. Or Mark Jackson. Or John Starks. Or Bill Cartwright. Or Jeff Hornacek. Get my drift. At least the NFL is learning that. I would have cringed if the Dolphins would have hired Jimmy Johnson or Don Shula. When the game has passed you by it has passed you by. Pretty simple.


I wear boxers and like vanilla ice cream.

Suns out guns out. Some push-ups are in order. Fo sho.

Old goats raced out to an early lead again. Only to get caught from behind from the young'ens. This is like the discovery channel. If the young'ens survive the first couple of days of birth (i;e don't get eaten by their family) they will end up kicking your ass later when your family gets old. Get it?

Am I losing you guys? Cuz this post makes sense to me. Maybe not to you.

My second monitor does not work, all of a sudden so my head hurts now. I need a tech to fix it. And I tried unplugging, making sure everything is connected so if they ask me that question I most likely will end up dislocating thier arm from thier socket. Fucking Techs.

Josh Hamilton's story is nice. Makes me want to root for him. Sort of makes me want to see him hit the crack pipe again too though. I ain't gonna lie.

Unrelated, did you guys know that in January of 2007 JP Morgan Chase offered to buy Bear Stearns for $240 a share? Chew on that for a minute. Being as they actually did buy them for $10 a share a couple of months ago. Stings a bit doesn't it.

Back to spurts.

Percival is on the DL. Unrelated he turns 78 this month. We wish him well.

Big Unit aka Ugly StorkMan ties Roger Roid for career K's.

This link is for H, Bald Zeppelin only

I'm never to old to laugh at the name "Babcock".

Never.

Take care brush your hair. Be Calm, kiss ya mom.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

This post is brought to you by...

This post is brought to you by...holy crap I have to be somewhere in 10 minutes.

NBA is finally doing something about flopping. But I wish there was an in-game penalty as well. I think if there were fouls called, it would better affect change.

Penguins won, Crosby had two goals. I only care because the Red Wings disgust me.

I'd like to thank Takashi Saito for walking 2 and missing first base on a grounder. Certainly helped the Cubs out.

Two videos 'cause I can't think of anything else.



Wednesday, May 28, 2008

it's like this and as a matter of fact

welcome to wednesday here at the interweb's premier sports news hub.

now GFY.

Spurs vee. Lakers is ova'. the end of an era or some ish. well, til next year when all the same old goats come back and win. you knew they werent winning this year. they cant cut the back-to-back. too soft and weak.

i dont know what this means, but i think someone will. apparently, T will care the most.

did u hear the story about the kids in Charlotte who threw a handicapped kid out of their dorm window? that is fucked up. funny, but fucked up.

speaking of things that are soft and weak (and fake black) has anyone ever seen the movie Whiteboyz. i saw it a while back, but it was on last night and i had to check it out again. funny ass stuff. basically, it's a bunch of trick ass mark Beastie Boys playing gangsta. then they find one black friend in school and try to be his best buddy. his Cosby-esque parents moved to Iowa from the hood and now whitey takes him back to the hood trying to score blow n' weeeeed (man). then they get welcomed to the new city by some homies. funny. Snoop is in it too, which also made me laugh. he shows up in a dream sequence when the kid is dreaming of being in jail and eating shrimp and drinking wine. tem might wanna watch it just for strictly educational value so he can see some black folk.

i used the sink as a shower today.

Cougher found out about this thing yesterday that the kids are doing. have you heard of the Facebooks? do u know about this stuff? you can like totally MEET people! like new people you didnt know.. and even catch up with old friends. SHIT! folks are crazy! they put up these sites and put like personal info and stuff up. and like pictures of things they did on the weekend too. his nephew has pics of him and his friends at a bar lookin pretty wasted. sweet!! what are they gonna think of next?!? are you as excited as me about this? cheezonajew!

http://www.break.com/index/crazy-subway-girl.html - just incase you missed it.. cause this makes me pee my pants and i have been quoting this every day. hilarity. SALAD!!!

meeting time.

and i leave you with this .

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Not a 5 or 0 anymore

So now I am off of the 5 and 0 posting schedule. This is 529. I'll have to throw in an extra post somewhere down the line to get post 1,000. I think I have time.

So the Pens haven't shown up yet for the Stanley Cup. Hey Pittsburgh, the goal is that way, you might want to put the puck in it.

Hey Brandon Webb, the strike zone is that way, you might want to hit it. And also stopped letting opposing teams get so many hits.

Hey Danica, just because you are a girl don't think that some Indy person won't hit you. If you are going to keep trying to get into people's faces it won't be long until someone hits you in yours.

Hey Detriot, you need to win in Boston still.

Hey Vince Young, quitters don't get paid.

Hey Syracuse, lacrosse is dumb.

Hey Duke, lacrosse is dumb and you suck at it. Good thing all those players came back for their 39th year.

Hey Spurs, LA is that way, you don't want to go there down 3-1.

OK I am running late so I am posting this crap now.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Down the stretch

If we were race horses........

A couple of names that we have already make sense. Iam for instance I think is a clever horse name. El Padrino is a great name too I think. For the rest of you here it goes.

*If I missed anyone sorry*(S)

If Rev were a racehorse he'd be "Signed By Liberty".
If Tem were a racehorse he'd be "Plowing Angry".
If Beth were a racehorse she'd be "Flirtatious".
If Deke were a racehorse he'd be "Despising".
If Zeke were a racehorse he'd be "Hibachi".
If Blue were a racehorse he'd be "Blue Cheesy"
If H were a racehorse he'd be "Bald Zeppelin".
If T were a racehorse he'd be "Freeway".
If TP were a racehorse he'd be "Old Yeller".
If Kod were a racehorse he'd be "Catching Cherokee".
If Keef were a racehorse he'd be "Acidic".
If Freak were a racehorse he'd be "Dr. Indy Young".
If Spiff were a racehorse he'd be "Hawaii Vegas".
If WC were a racehorse he'd be "Chief Executive".
If Jug were a racehorse he'd be "Brilliance".
If EBTNX were a racehorse he'd be "Dead 2 Rights".
If Stiggy were a racehorse she'd be "Kidnapped".
If the Eracist were a racehorse it'd be "White Out".
If Weazy were a racehorse he'd/she'd be "JP Weasel".

I think Rajon Rondo stinks. I also think Swheed has mastered the homeless man look.

But serious what does Rip Hamilton's face look like and how come Nike hasn't offered to make a Dri-Fit Hannibal mask?

I don't want to talk about baseball right now. Maybe Tuesday.

I swear the shit people wear to work. I mean I understand it's business casual but that doesn't mean you can wear a polo shirt with the Tazmanian devil on it. Fucking moron. Your a man dammit. Act like one.

Memorial day weekend. Beer, BBQ, Baseball, repeat. Whoever is working on Monday works for the Taliban.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

[insert title here]

[insert tidbit about one of my favorite teams here]

[insert remark about how lame a member of one of my favorite teams is here]

[insert observation about a sport you don't care about here]

[insert complaint about a fantasy league here]

[insert some crap about something here]

[insert stale joke about shamford here]

[insert observation about another sport you don't care about here]

[insert weird news story here]

[insert something about indianapolis here]

[insert random video here]

[insert lame post gimmick here]

[insert greeting to eltardo here]

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Back when Mark Wahlberg was Marky Mark..

I started this intending to get it up early (twhs), yet morning TPS raged its ugly head. I will update this later.. maybe. Meeting time right now.





Hold your breath.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

tem vs.

Time to take on the heavyweights of online sports writing.




Match 1: Skunkpatch.


You may know him as the monday morning qb, whatever, he is skunkpatch. Anyway, let's copy and paste without permission a piece of his column and explain why it is we todd did.


  • "Belichick is the smartest coach I've ever met. I remember him showing me around the football library in his Massachusetts home a few years back (he has since turned his voluminous collection over to the Naval Academy), and I noticed "The Art of War,'' by Chinese author Sun Tzu, written 2,600 years ago. I asked if he'd read it -- he had -- and what he'd learned from it. Belichick sort of rolled his eyes and said, "You know, don't fight a battle when the ground is muddy. Stuff like that.'' The point I took away: He read everything he thought might help him or be of value to his job, but he could think for himself, too. "

OK let's start here. How the fuck did you get that point out of what Belichick said? That is the answer a condescending dickhead would use. You know how I know? Because I am a condescending dickhead. Ask anyone who knows me. Hell ask people who have just heard of me. That is a dickhead response. In no way should you take "He read everything he thought might help him or be of value to his job, but he could think for himself, too. " away from that answer. What you should have taken away is "this guy is a dickhead and thinks I am a fat idiot."


Match 2: Shamford


I win by default. Everyone knows he is a douche. At least the jury is still out on me.


Match 3: TMQ


  • "The $500,000 fine assessed against Belichick is a token sanction at his income level. The draft choice fine against the Patriots penalizes mainly the team's fans, who are not responsible for what happened. Patriots players are in effect being punished for their coaches' actions by having their reputations harmed. Suspending Belichick for at least a year would constitute a serious penalty where none has been imposed so far, and show pro football is serious about integrity. "



OK smart guy, how the heck is taking a draft pick away punishing fans, but taking their coach away isn't?? Heck, draft picks are busts a fair amount of the time, the Pats might have been helped by losing a pick. Has anyone wrote about that? Now the Pats don't have to spend serious bucks on an unproven player. Anyway, suspending the coach for a year would punish the fans far more than losing a draft pick would. I hate to say it, but Belichick has proven himself and losing him would be far more harmful to the fans than replacing the 31st pick in the draft with a proven vet. If you are going to use "hurting the fans" as a reason not to do one thing try to make certain that "hurting the fans" isn't also the result of what you propose. Moron.




Match 4: El Tardo


  • "Important note: I don't hate the Spurs nearly that much; I'm trying to work up a proper level amount of hatred for them for the inevitable Celtics-Spurs Finals that's going to happen unless Doc Rivers screws it up ... which is exceedingly possible. The Spurs are a difficult team to dislike but you can do it if you try hard enough. I've made some huge strides in the past week. Just indulge me. Thanks.)"
Spurs difficult to dislike? Whaaaaa???? They whine after every call that goes against them, they flop non stop and they don't really play an enjoyable style of ball to watch. Why would it be hard to hate them? They are like a soccer team playing basketball. Which is not shocking considering the quantity of Euros they have. In America we hate soccer. We also hate the Spurs. It is easy. Also, your reverse jinx attempt on Doc Rivers screwing things up is so transparent that the sports gods will punish you for it. Either the Celts lose to the Pistons or your daughter grows up to be a WNBA coach who gets fired for sleeping with the 3 ugliest players on her team. Also she gets knocked up by TMQ....Your call....





OK now back to some regularly scheduled programming:



tem thought 1: What is the deal with spare buttons on my dress shirt? I get 2 spare little buttons (of which my shirt has 4) and 1 spare big buttons (of which my shirt has 8)?? Isn't that backwards? Shouldn't I get 2 spare big buttons?


tem thought 2: My bed skirt arrives in the mail today. Fuck you all, it was a necessary purchase and it does not make me gay.


tem thought 3: Lester threw a no no. Whip de do.



Two New Country Stars I would wreck:




















Ashton Shepherd. She is married and like 21, but IDGAF. Well actually I do. Married is off limits, but if she weren't married, well then. Yeah I know make fun of me for having morals, but someone around here has to.













Julianne Hough. Apparently she was on the Dancing with the Stars thing and won twice. Whatever, she is hot and sings some country song. Or at least the media tells me it is country. She is 19 and totally acts like it. Again, whatever. I'd destroy her.



That was my first attempt at putting pictures into a post. I hope it didn't suck too bad. I can see it fucked up the spacing all on its own, but whatever, Tyler can fix it or something.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Just call me Eric Gagne.

Some pics from the State bowling tourney with a little serenity mixed in.



Delux's old man and Toby.(son of Gordy)


Big Jim. He owns Cedars, but not the actual business. Great man. Used to be a bastard to us when we were younger.


The Hook-Bomber!


Booze and fake zorses don't mix. Well, maybe they do.


The Hook is gangster. Esssssss



Ye olde bowlin' team.


And the coup de gras(sp?) PEP!


Phelps. Another glorious man. New divorcee, for the ladies.


A dude I don't really know, Cheeze, and Hooker.


John Boy rockin' the rental shoes @ State. Terrible.

Friday, May 16, 2008

My best friend is gay

Col. Harland Sander I want to kiss you on the mouth. Jesus christ your chicken is delicious.

At the dinner I was just at they have pictures of old wooden ships on the wall and the hallway that leads up to the staircase looks like the Titanic.

I am severely impaired. I call ythe shots.

If jesus were a zorse he'd be one of those rare white ones.

Bobby flay is a great cook but he has man boobs and that's just not cool unless you are meiz.

The bejing games are going to be a disaster. You watch.

If chipper continues this pace i will cut my legs off.

What is wind for? Mother nature is such a bitch.

You bitch.

Kazmir is my homey.

I have allergies but that doesn't make me a pussy so fuck you if your thinking that. I'll bury my foot on your throat. I'm not even kidding i will fight you.

I drooled. I'm 28.

I am going to lay on my wife after this. Maybe something will happen.

White out was solid to sniff as a young whippersnapper.

Still is.

Tp I miss you man. I miss your musk.

That dinner I was at reminds me of Anchorman where he says his apartment is full of ruch mahogany and he has many leather bound books. HAHAHAHAHAHAA.
I gotta watch Anchorman again. It is fucking solid.

I need a hercut.

Ray Crock. Wikipedia that name fuckface.

Home field or home court or whatever home ice seems important again. Just for this year though.

I dojn't know how to iron.

I am 100% drunk. there is no doubt.

No serious.

WASTED.

damn caps lock button.

Who designed the keyboard? Why isn't it in alphabetical order?

The footlong Mozz stick sounds good right now.

Have I rambled enough?

How good would me anc charles barkley get along? Me and Charles was like peas and carrots.

Oh so the preakness. Big Brown, Riley Tucker and Kentucky Bear. Trifecta, box it though cuz i'm not 100% sure Big Brown will drop a big brown on everyone again. I mean it has been like 30 years since we had a TC horse.

And by TC I don't mean Tony Cornheiser.

Wagner troofs:
“Can somebody tell me why the (bleep) the closer being interviewed and I didn’t even play, while they’re over there not getting interviewed? I get it, they’re gone. (Bleeping) shocker.”

Troof.

Him and Whitlock must be brothers. Just like Rob and Big.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Nobody deals like Beck Toyota

Cleveland starters have something like 42 straight scoreless innings.

The sleeper zorse i was going to pick for the preakness isn't even running. pissing me off.

kobe annoys me.

i can't wait for the champions league final next wednesday. i mean, i probably can wait, but i'll be glad to watch it.

hockey shouldn't be played when it's so hot. seriously, hockey in florida, who thought that would be a good idea?

what's with all the retiring? and why should I care?

I'm also pumped for the 500, only 10 more days.

commericals are stoopid.

Jim Hendry = Moron. At this point, Neifi Perez might be a better hitter than Edmonds. "There are really no negatives in it," Hendry said. Yes, yes there are.

I'm a terrible writer.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Soy un perdedor

Sports content: Let's get this outta the way. Pistons won, I hit a homer and I DVR'd it but haven't watched it yet.. but I'm gonna call the Penguins winning tonight. I hope they get into the Finals, cause I wanna see them and Detroit try to outscore each other. Fun times. High profile players in the Finals is what the NHL needs. And it's what I wanna watch.

That Matt Walsh thing is King of the Sofas. Big, cushy, plush sofa...-age.

----Cease.

-I'm insanely wasted. Or something. CYOA.

-There is never anything to blog about. I feel like writing something though. Did you know that I'm writing a book? It's a great story about a girl and her dog. The dog is from another planet, so he can fly. The "aliens" (who aren't scary at all.. just another group of people from another planet) put this fuzzy little puppy on Earth to use as a tracking device to study human emotions. So what better way to understand those than by using a puppy? Caring, nurturing, loving.. all that crap. And when it gets old, everyone ignores it because it's no longer cute and cuddly, now it's old and fugly.. So then the aliens are saddened by this and think they can fix us. They just want peace and love in the galaxy. Great idea, except we have chemical/nuclear weapons and shit and they realize this before they head down to Earth. So they make a snap judgment and figure that we can't be saved after all and they destroy the planet.

Whammo, beeyotch!

Then the story gets going... and gets made into a movie. There is a group of astronauts in orbit, led by Rodney Dangerfield as "Iron" Mike Vinton. Gary Busey is the crazy, risky pilot and Signourney Weaver is the voice of the A.I. on the ship. They see the proceedings and are obviously kinda pissed. They're all like "damn, they just blew up the planet and stuff". There is a person of disability on the shuttle, Teddy, (played admirably by Bruce Willis) and his little sister was the one that owned the puppy. So he is like "yippie-ki-yay mofo" (slobbering liberally) and they turn on the rocket boosters and go after the terrorist aliens. So, they're tracking them through space making sure to fly all stealthy.. sticking behind craters and black holes and such.

The aliens stop to take a pee break and the shuttle crew see their big break. They land on the same moon and are going to sneak over and plant a batch of explosives on the enemy spaceship. Tom Hanks (weighing 48 lbs) stars as the quirky tech guy who is not allowed out of the belly of the ship and watches MacGuyver DVDs all day. He has a little workshop down there and has fashioned a BlackBerry (product placement) into a trigger for the explosives. Nice. (Americans are smart.)

They are about to go deliver the goods when all of sudden Teddy is standing there in a loin cloth and oxygen mask and has a JanSport backback (the new "Cruiser" model released just in time for the fall school year) loaded up with the bomb. So they're all like "dude, you have a terrible 40 time, there is no way you can run over there by the time the aliens take a wiz, buy a Snickers and get everybody back on board and leave". And he is like, "yeah I can". Crew is like... "No. You can't. Seriously, you lick windows, but we like your spirit". And he is like "Lick this" and shows them his Navy S.E.A.L. badge. They're all pretty impressed with it, but fail to see how them licking the badge makes any sense. He says he will explain when he gets back. Cause he's coming back!! OHHHH! Alien bitches, you better be scurred!

(But they don't know how bad ass he is or that they're even being followed, so they aren't scared. But they could imagine.)

So he goes over to the spaceship and sneaks on. A couple aliens have already come back to the ship and are playing pinochle and smoking the reefer. They are really stoned and are way too into their bags of Cheetos that they just purchased, so B-Dub knows this is easy pickins. He throws out a flash-bang and then kills each one of the guys by sliting their throats. (Slightly unnecessary). Then he takes a picture out of his loin cloth. His daughter. He shoves it back in his crotch and shakes a stern fist in front of his face. Alien terrorists be damned! He removes a panel from inside the ship and leaves his JanSport backpack (which has these really cool buckles on it... and it's got this real urban-outdoor-metropolis-goth vibe going on.. it will be the hottest thing at school, kids).

So he heads back to his own shuttle and tells them it's all set. To ensure they kill all the aliens, they'll wait until the spaceship takes off before they blow it up. So in the meantime (cause the lead alien is taking a monster deuce. we're talking like triple courtesy flush quality...) they start asking questions to Bad Ass Teddy. The government thought they picked up some strange transmissions recently and were worried about a possible attack, so they loaded Teddy onto the space shuttle incase someone ended up needing some space ass kicking. The crew is like, ok that's cool... but after a second they're like no wait.. they get mad at him cause that basically means that they let the world get blown up. Teddy doesn't understand this logic and tells them it's time to move on.. at least they get to be alive!!

Busey turns off the child locks and they hoist Teddy out the window.

The spaceship takes off and Hanks blows it up. The crew look over at the explosion, but then go back to their hot chocolates. The mood is somber.

Another big explosion happens and they don't think anything of it, figuring it was more of the spaceship remains. But then the blonde dude from Bill & Ted shows up. The second explosion was him landing with the phonebooth! Awh snap!! He tells them all to cram into the phonebooth and he can take them back to before the shuttle launch so they can warn everyone. They are all really excited and stuff.

So they pile in and blondy hits the juice. Busey is pretty wasted at this point cause he's been drinking Petrone most of the morning and has become a complete ass. This makes for a pretty obnoxious trip, so they stuff him in the coin return.

Back at NASA: They get back to "regular time" and warn everybody. At first, they intend to lock em all up cause they think they're crazy... but then they hear Sigourney's voice over a loudspeaker and once they realize nobody is watching Planet Earth, they find out that Hanks brought the computer module back with them.. so the whole thing was documented! Double snap!

Long story short, the government pimps the time machine phonebooth and then locks all the shuttle crew in an insane asylum, cause they don't want the rest of the world to have the hottest technology.

The flick ends with NASA firing a giant laser beam into space and blowing up the alien ship.
Peace, bitches! That's how America rolls!! Kna'mean?

Fade to black.. The End.

This post was sponsored by JanSport and the white crusties that form at the edges of your mouth.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Continuing drunk post week

So I had a good idea for a post. It would have been a long post with lots of awesomeness. But then I got drunk. Kind of like that "then I got high" song. But instead of high, I am drunk. I am seriously thinking about taking up recreational drugs. I am hoping to start with weed and move into coke and shit. It's really a long term plan. I doubt I will go through with it though because finding a dealer sounds like work. And there is that whole jail thing. I don't really think I would do well in jail. I don't think sarcasm is taken well there.



In any case that's how shit goes for me. I have great ideas and then I either fuck them up (see efmtem) or shit goes wrong and it's not my fault (see efmtem). I know I used the same thing. It is complicated. If I had a better example I would write about it.



Better example. This chick I know is just getting a divorce so in an effort to try to be a nice person I figured I'd send her flowers to cheer her ass up. You know, flowers are at the front desk, go get them if you want to be happy. Anyway, I actually looked up the meaning/symbolism of different flowers and found some shit called a snowdrop. Sounds like a shot of vodka mixed with lemonade and snow or some shit to me, but whatever it is a flower. The intraweb says it symbolizes hope and consolation, makes sense to send to a chick that just got divorced. Consolation for the past, hope for the future and whatever...So I says to myself, send that. But no store sells it. Fuck. That's how shit goes for tem. Either I fuck it up myself or fate fucks it up for me. In this case it is fate.



On the other hand I have a job and a place to live so I shouldn't bitch. Fuck evolution or whatever makes me want to bitch about things. That my friends is why drinking is so nice. One it kills brain cells and makes me dumb like the rest of the people (not the people who read this obviously, we are all fucking geniuses here) and two it makes it a lot easier to rationalize stuff. So I can tell myself I am not a dickhead and actually believe it.



The truth is though that I am nice, but just fuck things up at the last possible second. I'm that guy. Whatever, someone has to be him. Might as well be me. Kind of a self fulfilling prophecy though. Whether you think you can, or think you can't you're right. I had a shirt that said that. It was from football or something. Believe it or not, but tem was pretty good at football back in the day. I'm probably like Al Bundy though and just get better in my head the older I get. I never scored 4 TDs in one game though. I never scored more than 1 in a game. But I did score, so I got that going for me.



Moving on to real world sports or something, WWL says "Kobe's gonna play." No shit. It is the playoffs, quit trying to make news when there ain't any. There is news in other places, report on it, don't make your own. Posada's hurt, I didn't even know.



Pens are up 2-0 in their hockey series. Go Pens. Fuck the other teams.



OJ Mayo is in trouble....Not. USC is in trouble. WGAF? Any athlete worth anything is getting "illegal" benefits. Hasn't anyone seen The Program (great movie by the way) or Blue Chips? These movies are documentaries. They are 100% true and real.



Speaking of movies I'd list my top 5, but I am too drunk to think of them. I gotta think that Diggstown and the Fox and the Hound make it (see yesterday's comments). Necessary Roughness might make it. Old School and Usual Suspects. There, put them in order for me. Usual Suspects in 1 though. I love that fucking movie. This just in, my movie taste sucks.



Political crap: I am probably going to vote for whatever jackass the dems throw out there. Politics has deteriorated into some form of shitty entertainment. Like something Bravo would show. "How will the gov't fuck up next?" Anyway, after 8 years of the same show I am up for something new. Let's see how the dems can fuck shit up. I am sure it will be a different way to fuck up and it will be rip roaring hilarious. The end result will be the same though, shit will be fucked up. It is the path they take to get there that is the entertainment. There is a quote about that, but I'll be damned if I can remember what it is. Honestly I can't remember the last thing the government did that was good. That last paragraph would be a lot funnier if it weren't 100% true.



Frozen snickers bars are good shit. Try some.



I am spelling and typing pretty well for being this drunk. I was out on my deck, but decided to come inside when I nearly fell off. Long story, but I dropped my beer and decided that I could lean over and get it. I couldn't. It is still out there. I think downstairs neighbor lady will find it and throw it away for me. She seems nice like that. I should have put a note in it telling her to bring it back to me if it was still cold or if she found it soon.



Yesterday neighbor lady rang my doorbell to ask me if her brother could park his trailer in my driveway thing while they unloaded some crap. If I hadn't been dead tired, hungover and only partially clothed I would have offered to help. Hell if it were only two of those three I would have offered. I am still not sure why I even answered the door. wft is wrong with me? Don't answer that. Anyway, I should have helped. It would have been nice. Instead I went back to playing GTA 4 and tried to find a shirt. Finding a shirt was actually pretty easy.



I just previewed this shit. Apparently I talk more when drunk than meiz. I am not sure I would be cool to hang out with when drunk. I need to study on when to shut up. Like this one time in college me and my buddy were getting hammered at a bar with some chicks. Well at least I remember them being chicks. Anyway, the bartender comes by and says "last call" so tem says "last call? that means it is time to decided who's going home with who." It turns out that the chicks decided to go home by themselves. Looking back it was probably a bad move to say that. Oh well, I have a story to tell now. And it is more original than saying I got hammered and fucked some chick. At least that is what I tell myself....A missed opportunity is a missed opportunity and it fucking eats at you. Speaking of.....



If I had a time machine I would change these 5 things about my past:


  1. I wouldn't have ditched my buddy in 6th grade at the WWF. Dick move. I regret it every day. ns

  2. I wouldn't have dated the girl my hike school friend had a crush on. Sure she had a great rack and gave great head and let me plow her a lot, but it hurt his feelings and I could have plowed some other chick.

  3. I would have went to WVU and not Kenyon. Fuck that expensive quality liberal arts education.

  4. I would not have been faithful to some hike school gf (different than above) when I was in France with Danny Ainge's daughter (school trip, her school was on same trip mine was). I could have gotten some Danny Ainge daughter action.

  5. I wouldn't have called off my wedding. That didn't turn out so well. 20-20 hindsight is a bitch. I gotta say I hate my life now.

5 things I wouldn't change:



  1. I'd still purposely fuck up my FBI interview because my current job seemed good.

  2. I'd still date my college friend's ex because she was hot and he turned out to be a douchebag.

  3. I'd still have skipped that baseball game to go on a date or something with my hike school gf. Fuck baseball, coach benched all of us seniors anyway.

  4. I'd still have traded in my Eclipse on my Elantra. The Elantra has been a solid fucking car.

  5. I'd still say "usedtacould" whenever I get the chance. Shit cracks me up and I am from WV, so EAD people who don't like "usedtacould." (As in I can't run a sub 5.0 40 yard dash anymore, but I usedtacould."

OK, that is enough.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Drunken Stream Of Conciousness

I was gonna make this post about fantasy baseball, but I changed my mind. Here goes.



I talked to my Mom on the phone for a long time tonight.

My grandma's husband is an asshole. I'll even publish that fucker's name. Aubrey Dickmann, you're a fucking loser. Fucking queer yelled at her for breaking a chair when she fell. Did you help? No, of course not. Douche.

Fuck the Brewers.

Fuck my FMLB team.

I can't wait to get my controller for my NES discs.

I'm gonna start taking my lunch to work. We'll see how that goes.

I like Little Miss Sunshine. I think its a great movie.

I bought Boiler Room for 5 bucks at Target this weekend.

I'm an alcoholic. I came to terms with that in 2005.

Zeke, you should get a controller too. Then, we should join an online Tecmo League so I can kick your ass up and down the virtual gridiron.

Delux can't talk shit on the interwebs in spite of having a job where computer skills are a must. He thinks its stupid to go on the computer as much as we do outside of our professional lives. I say bullshit. I think he needs to come to terms with, and realize the use of the www. (Yes, I know you're reading this. Why else would I call you out?)

I love this place. If I'm around a computer, LoV is open.

Does anybody else miss hanging around with their friends all the time? I miss my friends.

I also like Kenny vs Spenny. That's a quality TV program.

I wish I had Guy Fieri's gig. Diners, Drive-ins, & Dives makes me really jealous. I now want a corndog & deep-fried pickle slices.

I would like to be thinner.

The Patriot is a decent movie.

I really don't have anything else. I'm pretty hammered.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Hockey Post

The NFL and other various sports outlets tell me that the 1958 Championship Game between the Baltimore Colts and the New York Giants was the greatest game ever played.

No one's ever told anybody why this was the greatest game ever played (other than the spike in viewership, first overtime game and back and forth scoring...oh and like 14 hall of famers) and I won't argue the fact. I just wish I coulda seen it. A big reason why we all love sports (wait, this is still a sports blog right) is because of it's history. Memories. It would have been nice to see the greatest game ever played is all I'm saying. It's actually probably a better sport then, than it is now. Just cuz it seems like old-school is always better than new school. I betcha Pat Summerall didn't "make it rain" at the local strip club the night before this game.

Ah, what do I know. I ain't TP. I'm only 28, but I know I hate that complete games are a rarity, I know I miss Charles Oakley, I know I like it when QB's get annihilated and PG's mauled. I like it when hockey players fist fight.

I like that the Chicago White Sox had two naked blow up dolls in the clubhouse in Toronto a couple of days ago. I hate that they were reprimanded for having it because of a female journalist (she would feel uncomfortable). Bitch.

Moving on....

Bastards:

Bruce Bowen

Webb's sinker

Belichik

The drink at Sawgrass

Lead story on CNN, Katrina survivor who lost two homes in the storm won the Powerball lottery. 97MM. I don't like to spend people's money but if I were him I'd get the fuck out of Lousiana.





Thursday, May 08, 2008

Dan Shanoff Sucks

So, I did a google search the other day. What I found was disheartening. The front page of results for "Dan Shanoff Sucks" are links to his own "writing". I deem that to be a problem. People should know that DS sucks, and when they search for info about him sucking, they shouldn't be sent to his website. I've therefore decided to compile a list of reasons why Shanoff sucks.

Dan Shanoff sucks firstly, and most importantly because he is an awful, terrible, horrendous sports "writer".
Dan Shanoff sucks because he's a hack.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he copies his stories straight from espn.com headlines.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he doesn't watch the sports he claims to cover.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he's a douchebag.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he doesn't have any balls.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he deferred to his "wife's" favorite team.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he is the biggest bandwagon fan in the history of bandwagon fans.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he gives other men blowjobs.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he's a self-important prick.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he can't stop tem from sexing up his wife.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he's associated with deadspin.
Dan Shanoff sucks because when I looked up "suck" in the dictionary, I found a picture of his goofy face.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he has a goofy face.
Dan Shanoff sucks because "Around the Horn" wouldn't even bring him back as a panelist.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he has a lemming infestation.
Dan Shanoff sucks because his own "loyal" readers don't care for him.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he writes for the Sporting News, the worst sport outlet on the planet.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he considered naming his kid Joakim.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he thinks his shit don't stank.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he gives away sex for money.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he thinks he's in a position to give others advice on how to raise their children.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he's gay.

Dan Shanoff sucks because he spawned Cumfast.
Dan Shanoff sucks because rich garces has better tits than him.
Dan Shanoff sucks because even jemele hill is a better writer than him.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he prides himself on only collecting Jewish Baseball Player Cards.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he's a lazy, no good, stay at home mom who calls Matt Leinart a bad father when he himself does nothing to provide for his family.
Dan Shanoff sucks because he thinks its funny to belittle ESPN analysts he doesn't like who get fired, when ESPN was smart enough to realize that 10 dollars a day was too much money to pay Dan Shanoff for his daily quickie.


Dan Shanoff sucks.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

5 Good Minutes.

No afternoon meeting today, which is nice... although I usually get out @ about 3pm.. so that is a huge downer. It's gonna rain today though, so whatever.

I have like 18 more seconds to slop something together. If I woulda been in on time today I woulda given you a more solid effort. Instead, I'm coming in in the 6th and giving up 8 earned, then leaving after getting no outs. I'm like Jason Grilli. Speaking of which.... good luck with him Bleu. Hope he ruins your team as much as he helped ruin ours. Granted, he is probably the least of our problems now, but at least he is no longer our problem.

Coaches are moving around in the Niba. Hockey has been over for a month. Football players are still getting arrested. There have been "rumors" that the dead horse was on roids. Who started these "rumors" and why are the trainers/owners pandering to their whining?

Oh, Espin just told me..
"But the trainer's voice rose when he said he was responding to unspecified criticism he heard on radio programs while returning from Kentucky to Delaware that his horse must have been on steroids because she was so large."

OK, since Larry in Pawtucket called in and said "That darn horse done looked like it was beefed up! I betcha she wuz on them roids like them baseball players!" Next, they'll be listening to those "bloggers". (damn them all to hell, you are a drag on society and the artform which is journalism).

A couple weeks ago I saw Biff Tannen (from the 'Back to the Future' movies) do standup. His real name is Tom Wilson. He played a couple songs on guitar, but mainly did a regular set. He is funny. I would provide a link, but I am a bastard and Freak wants you to learn to Google anyway, so get to it.

Done.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Just realized

I just realized that I get every 5th post, so until Rev or someone posts something on a weekend or someone misses a spot in the rotation I am going to get all the posts that end in 5 or 0. Yay me. Being a math major I should have figured this out sooner, but I didn't.

So let's talk basketball for a minute. Spurs are down 2-0 to the Hornets already. I think the Hornets are making it look easy. It seems like the beginning of a new era in the west. Spurs, Suns and Mavs are done, it is the time of the Hornets and Lakers (again). Of course with free agency and what not there will be new teams at the forefront next season. At least that is what I tell myself. I think that is all the basketball talk I have in me today. My basketball motto right now is basically "wake me when Lebron is a Brooklyn Net." OK one more thought about basketball and this applies to hockey too; I find it hilarious that when they do the on this day in history 25 years ago so and so won the Stanley cup or the championship. Here we are now, barely into the second round and back then they were done.

Speaking of hockey: Four teams left I guess. Pens, Flyers, Stars, Wings. Go Pens I say. Go Pens.

Iron Man made $102M its first week....Damn. That is a lot. People must have wanted to watch a movie something fierce. So far I have heard that it ain't that bad. Maybe I will have to partake.

Fantasy Golf Update: Tits McGee is laying the wood to everyone. WTG Tits!

Myanmar? Where is that? 22k dead sucks (plus maybe 41k missing), but seriously, I have no clue where it is. Is it in Asia? South America? I don't know.

I might add a movie review later. I am running late as is and need to get this up (that's what I told her).

OK now I am adding a movie review:

Tem movie review of a movie tem has never seen:
El Pad's number 80 movie: Cable Guy

This movie is obviously a biography about Larry the Cable Guy the comedian guy. It documents his poor rural upbringing and his rise to stardom. You'd think it would be a funny movie because it is about a comedian, but it isn't. It is actually much like LtCG's comedy, which is clearly appropriate in this case, but still sucky. The best part of the movie is how you learn how LtCG just fed off of Jeff Foxworthy's table scraps until Jeff got bored enough to let LtCG do something on his own. After 10 years of riding Jeff's coattails LtCG finally got his shot and apparently entertained several rednecks. Being a redneck myself I can't say I like his humor at all, but whatever. The best part of the movie was the ending. I really liked when it stopped and I could stop not watching it and get on with doing something else.

1 helmet sticker out of 5.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Hey! Look at me!

If I were to find myself at a pub with some LoV'ers, It would be Tem and EP.
Why Tem & EP, you say?
Well, because Tem strikes me as being an absolute riot when hammered. I envision lots of "The_____is in the_____" jokes. Good times, if you ask me.

I think I would chooses EP because he'd be buying 'spensive drinks for us all night long. And who knows what might happen with that guido. He could be our "muscle". And I'd teach him how to get drunk like a good ol' boy.


So we're going to move soon. Probably either HERE or HERE.

1100+ square feet is pretty solid for 750 a month.

Updated FUCK YOU list for last week:

OF Manny Ramirez
SS Hanley Ramirez
OF Raul Ibanez
3B Bill Hall
OF Jason Bay
3B Evan Longoria.

Fuck You Guys

Friday, May 02, 2008

short and sweet like bear meat

Detroit rules.

Good thing the Lions didn't do anything to fuck up that trifecta.

Jews are annoying.

recapturethegloryisacoolhorsenamedontyathink?

Big Brown wont win. I like Pyro, Colonel John, and Monba. Just like that.

Jankees are in trouble. This makes everyone happy.

Ironman.

Rockets win the series this weekend.

Thank y'all for coming out, god bless, and good night.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

This is only a test.

This is a test. For the next day, this site will conduct a test of the Emergency Blogging System. This is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed what blog to comment on for the day. This concludes this test of the Emergency Blogging System.

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino