Wednesday, April 30, 2008

This day in 1987...

-The New York Islanders won their 3rd Stanley Cup beating the San Dimas Racers, 3-0. Mike LaFurge scored 2 goals and and was named Finals MVP. Congrats Mike!

-Poor weather conditions forced the Buick Open indoors, with George "Pop" Donnell leading the pack to finish with 17 of 18 hole in ones on the mini-putt course. He ended the round drunk and shirtless, prompting numerous rule changes and heavy restrictions on sponsor exemption players in the future.

-NASCAR driver Tony Stewart died and nobody noticed. His body is still used to this day.

-Kobe Bryant had "consensual sex" with a white girl in the bathroom at Harrison Middle School. The girl loved it and had bruises on her throat and head for 3 weeks. She is believed to have brain damage. No one believes that either.

-Lots of NFL players got arrested cause they're all jailbirds.

-8-time Ping Pong champion Jung Wu Ling is detained in his native China for suspicion of doping. When he is found not to have any illegal substances in his system, he is injected and placed at the scene of a 14 yr old hooker's murder. Justice is served and he is appropriately sentenced to life. Fuckin' Ping Pong Chong..

-Dallas and Phoenix go out like bitches in the first round. No wait, that's 2008. Also, the widget on the front page shows Denver playing today. These things entertain me.

-Have a lovely day everyone! Brighten someone's day... give a hug!

ps.. wft happened to the pic on the top of the page? Let's work on fixing that...

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Sports Blog, Really

Have any of you had that girl in the office who looked really good then went through something major like a death in the family, some illness or a divorce and then just turned into a train wreck?? I got that situation going on here at work. Should I say something to her? Like "hey, workout room is that way if you want to use it" or "hey Nicorette is here is you want to try it" or "put the damn beer bottle down you are a borderline alcoholic." I don't think there is anything I can say to stop it, so I will just watch the train wreck happen. Best case scenario I can use her sudden massive increase in drinking to my advantage. Worst case scenario she crashes her car and kills a family of 5 and I feel forever guilty for not telling her to put down the bottle.

Oddly enough I wanted that paragraph to be funny, but it didn't really turn out that way.

Robot Chicken Skit Idear 1: Hopefully someone on this blog knows what the fuck Robot Chicken is. If not TFB. Anyway, Cobra finds out that the company supplying them with bullets was supplying them blanks the whole time. They go out get a new supplier and then shoot the fuck out of the Joe team. (If this skit already happened I never seen it, so TFB)

Nuggets got SWEPT THE FUCK OUT OF THE PLAYOFFS. I saw this coming. Not sure what that means, but I saw it coming. If I had wrote an NBA playoff preview I would have written that the Nuggets get swept. Also I would have written that the Hawks win their series. Anytime pretty much every expert says Blah Blah team is going to sweep Loser Team, Loser Team stuns the world. Go Hawks, make Beth proud. The only downside is the inevitable "I knew we should have fired Doc" 65,000 article from El Tardo. The Omnibus needs to reign that guy in.

Hockey Update: Playoffs are in round 2, probably. Only 4 more months to go until the Cup is decided and 5 more months until preseason.

Robot Chicken Skit Idear 2: Barbie gets breast reduction surgery. Then none of her friends like her anymore, Ken dumps her ass and she loses her job assuming Barbie had a job. So she gets Dolly Parton implants to win them all back. (If this skit already happened I never seen it, so TFB)

NFL Draft Talk: I gotta say I didn't watch much of the draft. There wasn't anyone I wanted to see where they went to. Tampa Bay didn't have a shot at someone I had heard of, so I didn't care. I bet ratings for this draft were lower than last years. I have no proof of that, but whatever. Anyway, when I did watch I noticed that whoever dresses Keyshawn is color blind and I noticed that he is amazingly dumb. AMAZINGLY. I am pretty sure Steve Young is going to either attack him or egg him on by saying "let's see how many tries it takes you to get into the HoF." This will happen by week 6. Furthermore Key reminds me of our current president in that he never uses the right inflection in his voice when he is talking. It is comical but needs to be stopped.

Random Side Note: 3 people have already walked into my office thinking it was the small conference room. 1 person actually had enough balls or stupidity to ask me "is this the small conference room?" Of course I said "yes" and he is now sitting in the chair on the other side of my desk reading Business First. If he is this dumb then I say he doesn't deserve to be in the meeting that he is supposed to be in.

Oh and of course Smoltz is hurt, he is on the Furry Balls fantasy team. Next up to get hurt, Brandon Webb.

Finally a movie review of a movie tem has never seen:

The Green Mile (El Pad ranked #86)

This movie is an art house movie, which means that it is supposed to have a deep meaning, but nobody can figure out just what. Also it means that at the end they write "Fin." Anyway, this movie is about a chick who smokes cigarettes in her kitchen. Then she inexplicably moves to her bathroom. After about 34 minutes of seeing her smoke someone knocks on her door and yells at her in a foreign language. They give no subtitles, but clearly the fella is upset. The chick cries and 43 minutes of her crying and her makeup running is shown. Then at the end she gets a determined look on her face, throws down her cigarette and stomps it out with a high heel shoe. Oddly she has a high heel shoe on one foot and one of those jelly slipper things on the other. Anyway, then she goes back to the kitchen and lights up another. I guess green means envy or something.

0 helmet stickers out of 5. This movie was dumb.


Monday, April 28, 2008

I'm sorry, guys.

I'm really tired and have some gay shit to do tomorrow causing me to miss around an hour of work.

State was blah. I'll have the State photo extravaganza next Monday. I promise.

I'm just beat right now.

Wow. gfDeke just went absolutely apeshit, and was throwing shit around because I asked where my fingernail clippers is. What a fucking lunatic. I might pull a TP tonight.

Nope. Fuck that. That's MY bed.

I got a sweet, framed, poster-size Abbey Road print this weekend. And a nifty Rockin' Robin jersey/T.

Okay. Fuck it. I'm going to bed.

Friday, April 25, 2008

El Padrino's 2008 NFL Mock Draft

1. Dolphins selects : Jake Long, LT (Mich)
Can't make fun of this pick. It's solid. Even more solid that Parcells wants no part of a holdout. Can't help but think about Jumbo Elliot, one of Tuna's favorites.

2. Rams selects : Glenn Dorsey, DT (LSU)
Impact player, the reason for Dorsey over the other Long.... Really don't have one except it seems as if teams covet inside pass rushers more and more now. This guy is Sapp only quieter. That and the bad luck for Atlanta continues as Blank loses it after Dorsey's name gets called as the 2nd pick.

There is a trade. The Falcons swap 1st round picks with the New York Jets and also gain the Jets 4th round selection as well as a 5th and 7th rounder in 2009.

3. Jets selects (via Atl) : Darren McFadden, RB (Ark)
Once Blank lost out on the man he coveted the most (Dorsey) it makes sense for him to jump to the Jets spot and still grab a nice prospect. Jets were sending smoke signals all along about Ryan and the two ends but McFadden was always #1 on their board. Sheer fear in what Al Davis was going to do at four left them with no choice then to trade up for McFadden. Huge risk for the Tangini Team but could pay a huge reward.

4. Raiders selects : Chris Long, DE (UVA)
Funny thing is, good thing the Jets moved ahead of Al Davis. Crazy sumbitch had McFadden's name ready. Now at least he gets Howie's boy and Howie, doesn't have to root for a different team.

There is a trade. Cheifs and New Orleans swap 1st round picks (5, 10) and Cheifs get New Orleans next year #1 and a 6th rounder this year.

5. Saints selects (via K.C) : Sedrick Ellis, DT (USC)
Again, DT's are in right now in the NFL and the Saints think they can win this year so next year's #1 won't be as valuable. Cheifs need players and the more picks the better. Carl Peterson has done a tremendous job with this trade as well as the Jered allen trade.

6. Falcons selects (via NYJ) : Vernon Ghoulston, DE (OSU)
New England really wanted the Ghoul but after losing picks as a result of cheating they did not want to swap picks. Mike Smith loved Ghoulston all along and was happy he didn't have to take him #3.

7. New England selects : Keith Rivers, LB (USC)
After begin frugal and not budging to grab the Ghoul they land a quick, smart linebacker which with the age of their corps, might not be a bad thing.

8. Baltimore selects : Matt Ryan, QB (B.C.)
Bmore figures this guy is a sure fire franchise QB.

9. Bengals selects : Ryan Clady, LT (Boise St.)
Desperately tried to move down. Could not find any takers. Any WR would have been a reach and New Orleans jumping up to grab Ellis shifted the Bengals board.

10. Cheifs selects (via N.O) : Branden Albert, G (UVA)
Chiefs are desperate for O-line help.

11. Buffalo selects : Devin Thomas, WR (Mich. St)
Bills draft need over "best avaialble" and grab Thomas a bit early. But Trent Edwards needs someone other than Lee Evans to catch the football.

12. Denver selects : Chris Williams, OT (Vandy)
Denver wanted to move down, again, no takers. Teams don't like bailing out other teams apparentely. At least Williams and Cutler are reunited. So that's cute.

13. Carolina selects : Jeff Otah, OT (Pitt)
No brainer. Solid pass protector, great run blocker.

14. Chicago selects : Rashard Mendenhall, RB (Illini)
How could they pass up on a in-state product. Especially since it's a huge part of their game. Physical and fast. This is a great pick for Chicago.

15. Detroit selects : Derrick Harvey, DE, (UF)
Marinelli is still building the Defense. A corner here wouldn't shock me either.

16. Arizona selects : Jerod Mayo, LB (Tenn)
Best available. Going up against Stephen Jackson, Frank Gore four times a year, so adding a young talent like Mayo at the LB position is a smart move.

17. Kansas City selects : Leodis McKelvin, CB (Troy St.)
K.C takes all 10 minutes to decide which corner to select. In the end Herm gets his way, as he always does. "The boy can ball Carl, he can ball"!

18. Houston selects : Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB (Tenn St.)
Just getting the table scraps from K.C. After this pick the jersey maker for the Texans immediately resigns.

19. Philadelphia selects : Limas Sweed, WR (UT)
They need a WR badly. With no lineman left at this juncture Reid gives in and agrees to draft Sweed who could see the field immediately.

20. Tampa Bay selects : Mike Jenkins, CB (USF)
A good fit in the Tampa 2 scheme. It took about 12 people to talk Gruden out of James Hardy.

21. Washington selects : Philip Merling, DE (Clemson)
Should be a hell of a football player for the Skins. You could argue the DT Balmer here or even a TE like Keller but rushing the passer in the NFC East is priority number 1.

22. Dallas selects : Felix Jones, RB (Ark)
Obvious. Jones has been making love to a Felix Jones picture since October of last year.

23. Pittsburgh selects : Sam Baker, OT (USC)
Faneca gone. Gave up 45+ sacks last year, that simply cannot happen. The vlaue here is not very good, I'd rather have them take Balmer here but seems like they can grab a DT a bit later while most of the OT's will be gone.

24. Tennesee selects : Desean Jackson, WR (Cal)
Explosive player, no brainer here for the Titans. Have to put an offensive weapon in VY's pocket at some point.

25. Seattle selects : Jonathan Stewart, RB (Oregon)
I mean the O-line is set, the defense is still pretty good. How can they NOT take Stew here?
Second time a hometown kid plays fot the hometown team. (see Bears/Rahsard)

26. Jacksonville selects : Calais Campbell, DE (Da U)
Plenty of better prospects available but not on the D line so they have to reach here. Gerrard was begging for playmaker Fred Davis.

27. San Diego selects : Kentwan Balmer, DT (UNC)
Charger staff are elated this guy is here. The needs of other teams altered the draft and that is what makes the draft great. Balmer can move anywhere along the line and is a horse. Nice pick here. Makes that defense even more nasty.

28. Dallas selects : Aqib Talib, CB (Kansas)
Best CB left and that's an area of need. Kid could have went higher, nice pick this late for a potential starting CB.

29. San Francisco selects : Gosder Cherilus, OT (B.C.)
Him and Staley, together forever. Bookends. The war room erupts.

There is a trade. The Falcons have acquired the 30th pick from Green Bay in exchange for Atlanta's 2nd round pick this year and the 5th round pick of this year.

30. Atlanta selects (via G.B) : Brian Brohm, QB (UL)
Tremendous move here. The sun is finally starting to shine in the Georgiadome. Last year some feel Brohm would have went top ten. Now Atl gets him at the 30 spot of the next year. Great move.

31. New York Giants selects : Kenny Phillps, SS (Da U)
Major upgrade. Perfect pick. I really wanted Connor, LB (PSU) but can't complain. Phillips is a stud.

Thursday, April 24, 2008


In honor of the Cubs 10,000th win in franchise history, you get an entry about my trip to Wrigley Field last week.

Ernie Banks' beautiful statue.

Tom Arnold, in all his unglory. He threw out the first pitch and it was terrible. He threw it so high that it hit the screen about 5 feet above the brick wall behind home plate. I blame him for the Cubs losing that day. He also was terrible at singing the 7th inning stretch.

First AB for the Cubs. As you might be able to tell, I was sitting rather close.

Adam Dunn is large.

Not much reason for these next few pics, except to show how great our seats were. Oh, if you look closely at the ump in this picture, you can see what I thought was really weird. Right as the pitches would come in, the ump would lean and place his hand on the back of the catcher to balance himself. Wouldn't that be really distracting for the catcher? And what if the catcher has to pop right up? It appeared that he wasn't just placing it there, he put some weight on it. Very strange.

I have like 20 more of these photos, just with different people in them, so I won't bore you with that.

Probably my favorite photo I've ever taken. I'm not really sure why there is a senior citizen crossing sign. Whatever the reason, it had me cracking up walking back and forth from Wrigley to our hotel.

The photos from the next day seem so bland compared to what I could get sitting right behind the dugout. Take this difference between Aramis Ramirez at bats.

This one is so much better. Sigh...good seats, why do you have to cost so much?

Anyways, onward to some videos.

Lou Pinella walking back to the dugout after the National Anthem.

Fukudome being disappointed after a strikeout.

Walking up to Wrigley Field. This doesn't do it justice. It just comes out of nowhere, and it's just magnificent. I know most of you don't care about the Cubs, but go see a game at Wrigley. Even if it's just to cheer on the other team.

The Cubs taking the field.

Kerry Wood getting the final out and then "Go Cubs Go!" blaring over the speakers. Disclaimer: All you hear is me singing, rather terribly. You've been warned.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

There is no title worthy of this line.

Shaun Alexander got cut. NFW. I mean, YFW of course... bitch has been hurt.. but NFW for the insane 'fall from grace' timeline. That shit was quick! He barely even circled the bowl, that turd went straight down to Chinatown.

Good news is... now the Lions can sign him.

Spurs won.. that sucks.

Hornets are boning the Mavs. Hard. Speaking of a fall from grace.. And if ya don't know, now ya now.. CP3 is, in a word, "elite". Yeah fo' sho'. Kid will be a face of the Niba for years to come. Right now, NBA execs are saying "please don't smoke crack or have baby momma drama cause we're gonna invest alot of green in you".

And this morning, Mark Cuban is throwing fiery spears at a lifesize J-Kidd cutout. Damn him, damn him back to Jersey!

Meeting time calls. This is enough for you.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

What ever happened to?

Irish Spring Soap? I remember those commercials....kind of. Something about it opening your eyes and wanting to sing. This morning after waking up to a construction crew working on the new condos I couldn't open my eyes and needed some of that stuff. Where are you when I need you Irish Spring??

Next, what happened to those Riccola things? Do thet still make that stuff? Haven't seen a commercial for that stuff in eons. I don't think I ever tried one. That is why they went out of business. It is all my fault. They should have paid me to eat them (TWSS).

So I suppose I should talk about basketball or baseball or something. Well truth is I haven't watched sports in a few days. I spent most of Sunday and Monday doing one of two things. Talking to girls in bikinis or flying. One of these things I hate. One was very nice.

There is a new American Idol type show on the country channel. It is called "Can You Duet" or something like that. It is actually pretty interesting. A new twist on the American Idol stuff. Of course they sing country stuff, so nobody here will really like it. Anyway, keep your eye out for this hitting FOX soon with non-country songs. It has a lot of potential. Sometimes they split up the duets and/or send one person home but not the other. It makes for interesting TV when one chick is getting axed to stay and the other chick is saying "no way would she ever leave me behind" then the other chick comes out and says she left her behind.

Well TPS is calling like a wounded beaver. Or an angry whore, or maybe both.

This is all you get today. If you don't like it send an email to Rev and complain.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Exhausted and Unhealthy

There are no pictures today.

I'm always tired. I never want to get out of bed. I'm late for work 4 out of 5 days a week.

I'm gonna try to be sober until this coming Friday. That's when the State Bowling Tourney begins for me.

NBA playoffs started this week. I didn't watch.

I'm pretty sure I have a critically ill fish. We're just gonna see if it lives or dies because we don't have/won't purchase a quarantine tank. Oh well.

Eric Gagne is available if anyone wants him.

I pick my nose too much. I need a humidifier.

Well, I'm sober and calling it an early night. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Tyler's Invincible NBA Playoff Preview 2008.

The East:
Can I just say, "Celtics Win" and be done with the East? No? Fine then, here we go...

#1 Boston (66-16) vs. #8 Atlanta (37-45)
Season Series: Celtics 3-0
I really don't have anything to write about this series other than; Celtics in a sweep.

#2 Detroit (59-23) vs. #7 Philadelphia (40-42)
Season Series: Tied 2-2
Does the city of Philadelphia even care that the Sixers are in the playoffs? I don't think they do. I was shocked to learn that they were the seventh seed when I looked at the standing a couple of days ago. Philly has a nice young team, but Detriot's front-court and bench are just too much for them. I'm generously giving them a game though; Detroit in five.

#3 Orlando (52-30) vs. #6 Toronto (41-41)
Season Series: Magic 2-1
Orlando is legit. Toronto is not. From the Magic's point of view, you know about Dwight Howard, dude's a beast. They took a gamble on signing Rashard Lewis and it paid off, but the real reason they're a number three seed is because of Hedo Turkoglu. They have an inside-outside game and Turkoglu takes and makes the big shots when they need him to. A strong 1-2-3 punch. Everyone knows their role and does their job. I'm shocked that Stan Van Gundy is actually a good coach, I thought he was hiding behind D Wade and Shaq when he was in Miami.

Much like last year, I really don't know that much about the Raptors, and I really don't care to. Last year was a fluke; they're a .500 team in a bad conference. Orlando's too much for them to handle, but they may steal one at home. Magic in five.

#4 Cleveland (45-37) vs. #6 Washington (43-39)
Season Series: Tied 2-2
How did Cleveland make it to the Finals last year? I'm still scratching my head over that one. Danny Ferry has done a whole lot of tinkering and I don't think it made them a better team. Lebron can take over a game and a series by himself, but the rest of these guys need to step it up. Winning 45 games in the Eastern Conference is not acceptable. If Lebron doesn't skip town after his contract is up, David Stern needs to get involved and force him to sign with the Knicks or Nets. This team is so poorly managed it's mindbottling. They've been forced into too many bad contracts because of who was available at the time, and they've made some terrible trades. I think it only goes sour from here one out for the Cavs. They've peaked.

The Wiz play the Cavs pretty hard and I think they have a shot here. If the refs hadn't have gotten involved in that last regular season game, they might have had home-court too. Jamison is a rock and Tough Juice is coming off of an injury, but when he's on, it's on. The X-Factor is The Black President. What is Arenas going to bring to the table? I say don't count him out even though they're saying he's going to come off the bench. He's shown that he can break out in a game (20/7/5 against Philly on the 12th) and I think as long as the Wizards aren't relying on him as their number one option, anything he gives them is just gravy. If Jamison and Butler can do the heavy lifting and Hibachi just does his job and supports them, they can win. Look at who they're playing against; it's Lebron and nobody.

I think, for once, the Cavs can't live up to the hype and it's Wizards in six.

The West:
#1 Lakers (57-25) vs. #8 Denver (50-32)
Season Series: Lakers 3-0
Lakers continue to impress, but the Andrew Bynum injury is going to make or break this playoff run. I still think they're a great team without him, but with him; they look unstoppable. Phil will figure out how to use both of them if Bynum can come back, and I really don't think it's that big of a problem; they run the triangle, which favors big men that can pass. Both Bynum and Pow! Gasol are excellent passers and I don't think there's going to be a whole lot of complaining. Plus, it will allow Odom to do what he does best, and that's fill in holes. He's a much better player when he doesn't have pressure to perform and if he's the third or fourth option, he can just focus on making plays. Their bench has been phenomenal this year, I think they're still second behind San Antonio in bench points, and the Spurs cheat because Ginobili plays starters minutes. I think they're pretty solid. If they don't win it all or make it to the Finals this year, don't worry; they're going to be around for awhile. Kobe's still in his prime, Bynum isn't even 21 yet and Gasol is 27. And that's scary.

The Nuggets are just a mess. They won't play defense, they have a bad locker room and they're right on pace for the patent-pending "George Karl Team Implosion™". If it doesn't happen this year, it's a lock to happen at some point next year; they're operating on borrowed time in my opinion. And after that happens, what do you do? Who do you trade? What do you get back? Like I said, it's a mess. Melo getting a DUI right before the playoffs is just downright stupid.

The Lakers beat the Nuggets 3-0 in the regular season, and that was before they got Gasol. So a sweep isn't out of the question, but anytime you've got the kind of offensive firepower that Denver has, all you have to do is hang around and then have a good 4th quarter and you can win a game. Lakers in five.

#2 New Orleans (56-26) vs. #7 Dallas (51-31)
Season Series: Tied 2-2
This is going to be interesting. I am not a big believer in the Hornets in the post-season. They're really young, and the only guy on the team with any significant playoff experience is Peja. BUT, they have Chris Paul and he is going to go off on Dallas. The Mavs have ZERO interior D and Paul is going to penetrate to score or dish the entire series. He's going to set up West and Chandler for dunks and Peja for open threes. It's not going to be pretty if you're a Mavs fan.

Dallas is a train-wreck, but they seem to be putting it together lately. I hated that Jason Kidd trade, mainly because they gave up so much of their future to try and win now, and I really don't think they got any better. Missing those two first round picks is going to hurt and you're only going to get maybe two years out of Kidd, when you could have had 7-10 years with Devin Harris. Whatever. It if what it if. Much like Denver, they're going to have to make a lot of decisions in the next couple of years.

I watched their matchup on Wednesday and saw some interesting things. 1. The Hornets made a late run and the Mavs couldn't stop them. You gotta play D in the playoffs. 2. The Mavs were posting up Jason Kidd and it worked. He either made an easy shot after backing down his defender, or he passed out of the double-team and Dallas made the extra pass for an open shot. In my opinion, for Dallas to win, they need the Jason Kidd that showed up on Wednesday night (27/10/10 for his 100th triple-double). 3. Dirk was terrible down the stretch. He made a wide open three, but that was after they ran two pick-and-rolls in a row with Dirk and Jason Terry; Dirk passed out of it both times and Terry buried two deep jumpers. Not really what you want to see from your franchise player this late in the season. I still think the ankle is bothering him, he still looks terrible on defense.

I took Dallas last year and they screwed me. I don't really believe in the Hornets, but I'm taking them in six. Which means Dallas will win in five or seven.

#3 San Antonio (56-26) vs. #6 Phoenix (55-27)
Season Series: Suns 3-1
Two teams enter, one team leaves. I wish they would play this series in a Thunderdome cage, because that would be awesome to see. This is a great match-up for everyone else in the West, because someone's gonna get knocked out and the winner might be too beat up or tired to compete.

If you're the Suns, you have to be pissed; they're one game behind San Antonio in the standings, they're ahead of the Jazz, tied with the Rockets and they're the number six seed. They got a raw deal here, but I like them to win this series. The Spurs look ancient. Bruce Bowen in particular looks like he's 97 years old out there. Parker and Ginobili have been hurt during parts of the season, and Duncan looks like he's finally showing signs of slowing down. Suns have a lot of veterans now and a tight rotation. STAT will run wild now that he doesn't have to guard and be guarded by Duncan. Shaq has shown that he can still be dominate in stretches, especially at the end of games. I think Nash and The Captain can out perform Parker. The key is how Duncan and whoever else they're going to throw at Stoudamire and Shaq performs. I think the Suns match-up well against the Spurs and in a lot of ways, they're better. They just need to put it all together this year and get it done. No excuses this time.

I really think this is the last year the Suns have to win it all. Teams are just going to be better next year (see; Lakers, Los Angeles) and the Suns are just going to be one year older. Look at that Sacramento team from six or seven years ago. Their window closed real fast and I think that's what going to happen to Phoenix. The fact that they've traded or sold most of their draft picks from the last couple and upcoming years doesn't help them any. They need to win and they need to win now. Suns in six.

#4 Utah (54-28) vs. #5 Houston (55-27)
Season Series: Jazz 2-1
Everyone's hyping this one and predicting that it's going to be a great series, but does anyone remember what happened last year? It's an exact repeat of 2007; Houston had home-court, the series was totally boring, it went seven games and the Jazz won AT Houston. The exact same thing will happen this year.

One key injury for the Rockets is that Rafer Alston is expected to miss the first two games with a hamstring pull. This is pretty big because the Houston Point Guard Depth Chart reads; Bobby Jackson, and...Steve Francis? Yep, that's right, Stevie Franchise could see significant minutes in the post season. And that's scary if you're T-Mac and you're still trying to get out of the first round. Houston's had a good run, but I think it ends here. The worst thing for the NBA is if this goes seven games and holds up the second round. And I think it does. Jazz in seven.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Down with the 'bockers

Seeing the Pacers beat down the Knicks made this crappy year worth it. Okay, not really, but it seems like a way to get EP riled up.

Chad Johnson, congrats on reaching TO status. This means I don't want to hear about you, or from you. Please stay out of my life/tv screen.

Really, Soriano deserved to get hurt for that stupid jump/skip crap.

According to some guy named Munson, Seattle suing the Sonics to finish their lease out will probably mean the team will stay up there for 2 more years. Good luck, Seattle people, on trying to take back the team before that time is up.

If I was to rate my MVP choices it would be CP3, KG, Kobe, Lebron.

Now, to introduce a new segment, Freak's play of the week.

That's Julian Wright, hammering the ball into the hole. Really hard. (twss)

And this video, because I can.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

This post brought to you by Levi's 501, the O.G. of (billie) jeans.

You better rekkanize?

Good morning, my fellow fuck ups. Nice to see you again. Well not really, but that's the expected thing to say to someone. Kinda like "nice to meet you". Except I don't know if it's nice to meet you, cause I just met you. So really I should wait til you're leaving to say nice to meet you.. ya know, if in fact it was nice to meet you. I have never been able to stop myself from the verbal fecal matter that is small talk. Although I hate and loathe it and avoid it at all costs.. if someone says "nice to meet you", I can't stop myself from just parroting it back to them. I'm stupid. But so are most people, so I don't feel as bad. Now granted, I still feel quite superior based on other more meaningful criteria, so I don't feel as bad as I might lead on.

Today's Merriam-Webster Word of the Day (dedicated to Weazy) is:

semelparous \seh-MEL-puh-rus\

: reproducing or breeding only once in a lifetime

Example Sentence: Each year the semelparous salmon return to the stream where they hatched to spawn, and they die soon thereafter.

So i just read the "Blogger Buzz" aka Blogger News for the first time evar and apparently there is a new feature they're working on and have beta testing for, which is "scheduled postings". Just pick your time and your post will automatically get posted. That will be nice for when someone takes a day off or something. yay?

The 2008 footyball schedule was released yesterday. The real football, not soccer, arena, canadian, euro league.. we're talking NFL, just to clarify. Highlight the Colts/Pats and leave it on my desk. Mmkay, thanks.

Yeah this isn't a political blog and I truly do not side with either party so I'm not taking a side here. I think being at any extreme is pretty fucked up and I think both sides have different things that are good to build on, but both are pretty fucked up too. (I actually like the idea of the Independent Party, but it's still too irrelevant to make a challenge). But irregardlessnessly... Obama said some shit about small towns and people being bitter and all that.. I don't get why people don't wanna accept that statements like that truly do have merit. Maybe he worded in a way that all the dumb people got upset, so sue him. Poor selection of words maybe. I guess if you're giving a speech at a special needs school, you better not say "OMG that's so retarded!1!" Lesson learned.

Will the real Pacman Jones please stand up? .... Thanks. Ok, quick, somebody take the shot!!!

My Tigers won 2 in a row in dramatic fashion. Miggy popped a 2-run jack to win the game. So in honor of bitterness in small town, I say WTG you fat little mexi-domini-rican whateverthefuckcountryyourefromcauseyoureallthesametome. That's only partial (s), but seriously.. alot of those countries are pretty close to indistinguishable for me. Except the policiticians tell me that the Mexicans are the ones invading our country, so I know of them a little. It's like anybody of the asian persuasion. Unless you're Spiffg or you had a roommate in college or dated some bitch, there's no way you can just pick em out and tell the difference. Although I'm pretty sure my dad knows the difference though, cause he needed to be able to tell who to shoot and who not to. Good reason I guess. 4o years later those teachings still held up. WTG, U.S. Government!

Melo's bitch is named LaLa. Seriously. I still can't get over that.

Lakers, WTG as well. You got the best record in the West. T oo bad that 2 teams from the east are better than you and will have home court in the Finals. Suck pole, Rapist. Go take your aggression out on a hotel clerk. (Make her call you daddy or some shit too).

I hope EP posts early, just to ease my mind. HowTF do you fall off an escalator? NY has the best deaths?

Tiger Woods (a professional golfer) had knee surgery.

Thanks for listening,
This is Diana Lewis signing off.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Post 500

"Where we've run out of things to bullshit about." - EP

The End.

Nah just kidding, although I did think about just leaving that up as my entire post. El Pad lacks the necessary faith in my bullshitting ability. Or maybe he is spot on as I am sitting here trying to think of something new to BS about. (editor/author's note: Nah I just finished writing, there is a lot of BS here)

I suppose I could reflect on the past 499 posts. Some were great, some weren't, some made little sense, some made surprisingly a lot of sense. In the end though we all know the blog's comment section is where the action is. Quality insults, insights and bullshit. Not a day goes by where I don't learn something from the comment section. Generally it is completely useless info, but as a society we reward those who know useless shit all the time, so we got that going for us. So if any of you lurkers are out there now is the time to chime in. Bring some heat and tell us how dumb we are.

Well that is all the happy "Rev" talk I have in me. Since our inspirational leader abandoned us I just don't have the rosy outlook on life that I once did. So bravo on making it to 500, next goal 501, now back to the regularly scheduled temcrap.

NHL Update: Playoffs have started, it is the first round. Nobody cares yet...maybe they won't ever. Sucks to be hockey, but hey, at least it ain't soccer. That would be a good slogan for an NHL ad campaign. "NHL Hockey! At least it ain't soccer."

NBA Update: Friday there will be a playoff preview, wait until then.

MMA Update: This Saturday is UFC One Billion or something like that. It should be really good. The French Canadian Guy is fighting someone from New York. Sounds like an easy win for the New Yorker right? Well not so fast my friend (obviously to be read with a Corso voice) the French Canadian Guy is pretty good. He will win because the New Yorker is a old.*

Video Game Update: So I am playing as the Nets and trying to unload Kidd and/or Carter. Neither will waive their no trade clause. Fucking game. My friend bought a PS3 just so he could play that MLB the Show game. Said friend also still owes me like $600+ for Arena Football tickets. I swear this shit is what happens on sitcoms. His reasoning was that I don't accept credit cards, but Target does. There is some logic to that, which pisses me off. Anyway, I might have to call in El Pad to get someone to rough this guy up.

Office Hilarity: Old secretary lady is asking people to help her lift some heavy thing, but she never asked me. I am the obvious choice as I am about 20 years younger than anyone here, but she just ignores me. Awesome.

Arena Football Update: Columbus sucks a lot. This is good because it means season ticket prices might go down next season. Yay for sucking!

Finally a tem movie review of a movie tem has never seen:

Gates of Heaven

This movie is about a carpenter. This carpenter gets called up to heaven because the Gates of Heaven are broke. It turns out some guy really wanted into heaven (John Candy) and he tried climbing the gates to get in. But his fat ass broke the gates. So the guy in charge of the gates (Mel Brooks) needs to tell God (Marlon Brando) that the damn gates broke. But he knows God is going to be pissed because God told him that the gates wouldn't be able to withstand a fat guy climbing on them. So he works up this crazy scheme to make it look like God knocked the gates over.

So the plan is pure hilarity and it fails miserably. The gate keeper gets sent to hell and God orders that the best carpenter on earth (Richard Roundtree) be brought up to fix the damn gates. So he does just that. So the carpenter comes up and spends a day complaining about how he doesn't have any tools to fix the gate, not to mention how he is dead and there is no "fine black ass up here in heaven". So God makes him some tools and an apprentice to help (some animated thing voiced by Michelle Pfeiffer). So the carpenter and the animated thing spend the next two days fixing the gate and then God rewards him by sending him back down to earth.

And in one of the most shocking twist endings ever it turns out the carpenter was really Jesus himself. So the carpenter (Jesus) goes back down too earth and people were all sorts of shocked.

3.5 helmet stickers out of 5.

*Actually I am not sure whether or not it is a New Yorker vs a French Canadian, but it might be. I am pretty sure it is, but not positive. I could look it up, but I will let you all do that.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Damn, it feels good to see people up on it...

I have little to offer today. I'm tired.

Our local butcher. Hoffmann's. I know these guys. Real shocker, I know.

Some local skater kids. I'll get some pics of the skate park eventually.
This old building houses a local brewery/pub, and a feed store.
Spiff's house.
What's the hardest part of rollerblading? Telling your parents that you're gay.

I have no sports related content. I spent the weekend hungover and drunk.

What's the lyric?

EP's pic is here.

EP's name is: 7 games with 17 to go.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Mets 4, Phillies 3 (12)

I have Bud Mud. I'm tired and hoarse. It's only April.

I have no energy other than to post pictures from my cell phone of last night's game. This is no disrespect to deke. His work on Monday was not only groundbreaking but it was inspiring. My version is ghetto. Cell phone pics will now ensue.

*Sidenote, I have enough energy to do hershey squirts on the guy who wears the Periwinkle colored pants though. That guy really pisses me off. I'm talking about Periwinkle fucking pants bro. Like a tinged light blue. I can't even put into words how disgraceful this is. You wanna be a faggot then fine, be a faggot. But don't wear Periwinkle colored pants to work son. Shit just ain't right.

7 train on the way in......

Citifield is massive. MASSIVE.

Mets take the field.

Laguardia planes still go over Shea. Fuck a monster.
Now that's a quirck.

Right after Church's 2 run single....

After Wagner abused Rollins (ph)....

My phone then died so no extra inning pics. Sorry I'm a failure.
Mama don told me so. Final beer count = 9. Including half a bum bottle of John Daniels.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The lassoed Red

First things first. The quitter has unquit.

Now that that's out of the way, some exciting news.

I was recently wandering around some different baseball blogs and found myself at Statistically Speaking. Good content, sabermetrically based. Anyway, the creator of the blog sent me an e-mail the other day.

Eric here from I wanted to talk to you about a company I work for part time as it might interest Lordz of Vengeance. The company is Redlasso and it is essentially what YouTube would be if YouTube had access to streaming video from ESPN and tons of other channels.

My job is to make video clips of TV programs and supply them to bloggers - no hidden ads or catches or anything of the sort. For instance I currently supply highlights and analysis to the team blogs at MVN and SBNation, amongst others.

So, if you ever need a video to enhance a post of yours or are interested in basing an article around a video you see on ESPN please get in touch with me and I will gladly make a clip for you.

Basically, any sports moment that happens on tv, you can request this guy to get it for you, and he can.

That's pretty awesome.

No more will we sit in want of a video clip that hasn't been uploaded to youtube. So instead of the quitter just complaining about the nba officials, he can cite specific incidents through video. Or we could find clips of Joe Buck sounding like a moron. You could even be like Eric and make fun of John Kruk. The possibilities seem endless.

All you have to do is e-mail Eric ( and he will send you an embed code that you can paste on here or any other blog.

With no further ado, I'll start things off with my favorite moment of the baseball season so far...Fukudome's tying home run on opening day.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

It's all downhill from here

Act like you're reading something really special.

Sorry to be a dick today (well, not really sorry, but it sounds like the nice thing to say) but you just get nothing today. I just don't have the time to write anything of note. 8am meeting and another at 9, then the afternoon too. Don't they know that the one and only day I don't need their bullshit is Wednesday. Bitch please. My fellow slackers need me. Or something. I'm sure you'll find something to do.

I did have one thought yesterday though. How come people with Downs all look the same? They all seem to be slightly chubby and have flat hair that covers their forehead like a bowl cut. You never see a tall skinny guy/girl, always slightly pudgy with the same look. Yes, I am an asshole and my soul is burning as we speak. Or as I type. Or some shit like that.

My Tigers still lick testies. Please, win a fuckin game you bunch of sorry ass losers. Oh and Cabrera, since you're the 2nd coming of Christ himself could you please stop with the throwing errors.

Some biker does heroin.

Some chick was a heroine in hoops.

I'm gonna go stab myself in the eye now.


Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Tough Act to Follow

No way can I match the picture parade that was yesterday's post. My only hope is to just throw some slop up on here and see if it sticks. I'll have to spend some time cooking up something good for next week. In the meantime you get the crap that is an average tem post.

As most everyone should know, Kansas came back from 9 down with about 2 minutes left to win the NCAAs (it took OT, but they won.) As we have been hearing all year Memphis choked on their free throws and it cost them. A costly lesson I guess. The worst part of all of this is that Bill Self is being heralded as a genius for figuring out that they should start to foul Memphis and see what happens. Of course it is Billy Packer leading the parade on this one, which is like Robert Hall leading the Sherrard volunteer fire department parade. Meaning, nobody cares and nobody pays attention. Even if they do throw tootsie rolls out to the crowd.

In case you haven't noticed NHL playoffs have started. Check back in 3 months to find out who won. I know that is an overused joke, but I'll be damned if it isn't true.

Random side note: TFB if you don't like country. LoM is getting some country action. I'll throw a temtrum the likes of which nobody has ever seen before if it doesn't get a post.

MLB update: The Tigers have yet to win. My guess is that they will not finish the year with 0 wins.

TPS Update: Whilst typing all of this I have received 5 emails asking me to do actual work. I need to send a memo about Tuesday mornings.

Another Random side note: If a girl has a big nose, or a funny shaped one, I just can't get past it. I am not even remotely attracted to girls with big noses. She could be rocking from toe to mouth, but if that nose is fucked up them I don't even want to be near her. My friends tell me to just put a paper bag over her head, but I have yet to meet a girl who is actually receptive to that idea. Telling her that "the paper bags are in the kitchen go get one" just doesn't work.

Movie Review of a movie tem has never seen:

The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep

First of all, the title to this screams porn and I must say that it does not disappoint. This movie is the rare porn that stars actual A listers. It is basically the movie everyone has been dreaming of for years. Why can't we watch Mel Gibson go to town on Reese Witherspoon? Well we can and The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep is where we get to watch it. Honestly I can't believe that the Oscars didn't award this film best picture ever. You get to see Mel and Reese, Keanu and Sandra Bullock, Madonna, Britney and Bruce Willis, Denzel and Halle, Beyonce and Depp, and perhaps the best acted scene in movie history Forrest Whitaker (playing a retarded homeless man) stumbling upon an orgy of Jenna Jameson (type casted), Heather Locklear (same), Denise Richards (you can really see how much Heather and Denise hate each other), Sophie Marceu, Selma Hayak, and Jenna Von Oy (not sure how she got in this scene).

Anyway, obviously this movie gets 10 out of 5 helmet stickers. Best. Movie. Ever.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Opening Day Photo Extravaganza!!!

Buckle up, its gonna be a long one. I'm not fucking around here. No complaints, please.

Rounding third, and stumbling home...

Cruising to Miller Park on Miller Park Way.

Just getting started. 9:00 AM.

My boy Jabby at the Jeep. The first 2 beers of the day.

Leff's LuckyTown's party. They get tons of people for it. $83 for free beer & dick to ass crowdedness. No Thanks.

Helfaer Field. In the shadows of Miller Park. Its a Little League field. They also have ragball softball leagues here. Helfaer's home plate is County Stadium's old home plate. Exact same location, and all.

Standard shot of MP from outside.

Jabby & C-Murder. Yes, we gave Murder a gang of shit for drinking Guinness at Opening Day.

I kept trying to get shots of the kids playing cronhole, but the jag-offs on the left wouldn't move. Note the people smart enough to bring their own port-a-shitter.


Me. Nice double-chin, fatty. Its not that bad. At least that's what I tell myself.

Homeboy rockin' the full uniform.

He's eating pancakes. NS.

Brew Crew cupcakes. Mmmmmm.

Jell-O shots!

Hey! The pancake eater was JJ Hardy. What a humble guy.

Monkey man.

Monkey man playing cornhole.
A photo-op.

The only way I could photograph honeys without coming across as a creep.

Goddamn snow.

KEGSTANDS!!! There were some fatties lining up for kegstands, but I didn't want to seem like the dickhead taking pictures of the fat girls being hoisted by 5 dudes.

Heading in to Miller Park.

Guess what this guy was doing...

God's brewery, in the distance.

The front lot.

Backside of the front lot & the money lot across I-94. I love that parking lot.

Bing 'em out, bring 'em out, bring 'em out, bring 'em out, bring 'em out!

Bernie's joint. Not having the beer mug is pretty lame.

The joint filling up.

Bill E. Hall's 1st dinger.

These people were so loaded, I literally couldn't understand what they were saying.

Bernie Brewer up on the chalet.

Bill Hall's 2nd homer!

Indoor smoking! Only in Milwaukee.

Opening Day. The best day to randomly run into people you know.

Billy not only hits bombs on opening day, but also on Mother's Day.

Awesome Gagne jersey.

Take Me Out To The Ballgame love. That's how we roll.

More 7th inning stretch.

Roll Out The Barrell! We'll have a barrell of fun!

Ballgame!!! "Lets Go Brew Crew! Lets Go Brew Crew! Lets Go Brew Crew!"

Happy and drunk.

There was a "Fuck The Cubs" chant going on at this point.

Random high-fives all-around. Nothing better.

She was our favorite Brewers fan. Leading "Lets Go Brewers!"

Hey there.

Booze is the best.

Our tailgating neighbors.

Drinking with Frank The Tank, Rodds, The Rock, Jabby, & Kristin(married to Rodds). I mocked her bright yellow shoes. How ridiculous.

Can you believe she's still tiny after 2 kids?

Nice hat, Jabs.

Nice dick, Patton. Gotta love the Fat Squirrel.

Kristin ♥ hot dogs.

Yes. We're towel sellouts. I refuse to wave that shit.


Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"

"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem

"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug

"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino

"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H

"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino

"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino