Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Hey Oogie

Two days left in the year. That leaves precious little time to accomplish everything you wanted to accomplish. I suggest giving up and quiting and not even trying. Laziness is awesome and should be embraced. Unless you want to find a mate. Then you can't be lazy. It's basically a life choice. Either be lazy and happy 99% of the time or workout and get fit and work hard and then find a trophy wife and be happy the 1% of the time she lets you do things to her. 5% if you are brave enough to do things to her while she sleeps.

Anyway, time to dish out some good New Year wishes for the crew, clearly ripping off the Christmas gift idea from last week:

Beth - That fmbeth never finds out about this place and that anyone at this place never finds out fmbeth's true identity.

Blue - That the hot secretary forgets to wear her clothes one day and that you bring a camera that day.

Keith - A non-temgagement.

El Tardo - A quick and painless divorce, the divorce is coming, nothing can stop that, so hopefully it will be quick and painless.

Sports Ho - Directions to my crotch.

Andy - That someone in your town opens up a bait shop and that you find Deke's time masheen.

El Pad - Good luck with the barber and hope that eventually everyone will stop ripping on you for being gay.

Rev - A year with no hospital scares.

Tyler - A year with no paternity law suits.

Freak - A girl who isn't just using your for your money.

Kod - Some wicked father's day gifts from your new kids.

Zeke - A non-temgagement.

Spiff - The ability to get a Kathy Ireland nude pic. If anyone can do it, you can.

TMQ - A 2,000 word limit to your column.

Stiggy - A return to this place.

Jug - A job, preferably one that allows LOV access.

Skunkpatch - For someone to tell you that nobody really cares what you think about baseball, girls softball, coffee, planes or anything other than football. You should just be happy people care what you think about football.

TP - Another healthy year, another step closer to being the world's oldest man.

Mills - For people to stop calling your kid an alien...I kid, I kid.

Cumfast - Some brains.

Steve - Even more increased hilarity. You showed you can write normally for at least a couple hours, so you ain't dumb.

Iam - For people to quit calling you Hootie and finally realize that Darius is a real country name and a real country star. Keep up the good work Hoot, er Darius.

Whitlock - Respect from folks, you ain't weak.

Stumpy and Friends - More press passes. Yes I know it's not Stumpy, I don't care, Stumpy is funny.

MVN - A shovel, 7 trash bags, an open field with nobody around for hours. You know what to do.

H - A big break for the band, or to realize your full potential and just change your name to John Popper Jr. and to go on tour as The New Blues Traveller.

Dr. Z - Just be happy I even wrote your name.

That's all. So best of luck in the New Year to everyone.


OK just for kicks I am putting a tem movie review in:

The Uninvited

This movie is a sequel/prequel of sorts to Wedding Crashers. It is basically just like the sequel to Dumb and Dumber, so yeah, it sucks. Anywho, it stars some no-name punks who look like a young Vince and young Owen. Except they aren't funny in any way. They never get invited to parties (hence the title). So they decide that the need to crash the big Hike School party.

So whilst planning to crash the big Hike School party they figure they need dates, so they come up with a plan to create a chick using some sort of weird science. So they create this super hot chick but before they can create another one the masheen blows up.

So they have like a week for this hot chick to make them cool. Hilarity ensues and finally the time comes for them to crash the party. They get to the party and totally can't get in. You know, because they suck. So then hot chick shows up and gets them in by showing off her rack. Works every time. So now that they are with the hot chick the cool girls start paying attention to them. The cool girls find out that the losers are really winners and ditch their jock boyfriends.

So the jocks get pissed and beat the shit out of the kids. You'd think the hot chick would help, but she is doing the star football player, turns out she is a whore. Without the hot chick there to save them the dorks get beat to a bloody mess and the hot hike school chicks realize that jocks are cool.

3 helmet stickers out of 5 for nudity involving many hot chicks and for a good lesson that dorks shouldn't aspire to nail hot chicks until they have money.

345 comments:

1 – 200 of 345   Newer›   Newest»
El Padrino said...

solid

tem said...

like a rock

Andy M said...

I guess we're not waiting for boobies

Andy M said...

I even had FRIST all loaded up & ready to go.

tem said...

you could make it sxith

tem said...

too bad Northwestern's kicker can't make kicks.

tem said...

you better make it IEGTH now.

Beth said...

Well done Tem, even the non movie review stuff was hilarity. I especially liked the "no pants" tag you put for the post.

Trust me though, fmbeth will never find out about this place.

El Padrino said...

what would he do if he did, it's not like your naked on here

tem said...

she's not?

Beth said...

"what would he do if he did, it's not like your naked on here"

He'd kick your ass is what he'd do...

Just kidding. Not sure what he'd do but I do know he wouldn't like some of the comments made about me on here. The ironic thing is I'm sure he and his buddies make similar comments about women but obviously it's different when it's your fiance.

But he also doesn't know about some of my past that has come out on here so that might not be good.

Andy M said...

I'd never drop the dime if fmb stumbled across this place.

Beth said...

"I'd never drop the dime if fmb stumbled across this place."

Actually, the only one I'd worry about ratting me out would be spiff. Although I think Zeke would amuse himself by dropping hints that he'd think were subtle but that really weren't.

tem said...

fmb might hit on elpad?

Andy M said...

Really? spiff?

El Padrino said...

i'm running away with the bowl pickem

tem said...

not sure anyone would really say anything.

but i also would recommend keeping fmb away.

El Padrino said...

what is the prize for that

Andy M said...

"not sure anyone would really say anything."


Zeke would definitely let it fly. There's no doubt in my mind. And maybe statboy.

Andy M said...

"what is the prize for that"


A nice, swift kick in the pants.

Beth said...

"i'm running away with the bowl pickem"

Check possible max points EP. You're dead last by a LOT in that category. So it'll catch up to you.

(Shouldn't a semi-professional gambler know to check that...)

tem said...

tem will not win bowl pick em.

Andy M said...

"Check possible max points EP. You're dead last by a LOT in that category. So it'll catch up to you."

ouch

Andy M said...

I haven't gotten any wrong in the bowl pick em

El Padrino said...

"Check possible max points EP. You're dead last by a LOT in that category. So it'll catch up to you."

not if you foul up the big winners

Beth said...

"not if you foul up the big winners"

Chances are if everyone else fouls up the big winners you will too. But keep dreaming EP. You can go to a nice hotel with Jessica Alba with your winnings...

tem said...

and her pubes

El Padrino said...

"Chances are if everyone else fouls up the big winners you will too. But keep dreaming EP. You can go to a nice hotel with Jessica Alba with your winnings..."

different strategy, my big winners wont be the smae big winners as y'all

(pronounced : Yaw-ul)

for instance i already hit my 34 and 33

El Padrino said...

"According to ESPN.com, the 2010 Pro Bowl will be played a week before the Super Bowl, instead of the Sunday after. It will be moved from Honolulu to Miami, the site of Super Bowl XLIV."



good idear

tem said...

dumb idear.

the teams from the AFC and NFC championship games won't have players in the pro-bowl.

that'll be a lot of good players who won't get to be in it. or you won't get to see.

Keith S said...

padfast

El Padrino said...

"the teams from the AFC and NFC championship games won't have players in the pro-bowl.

that'll be a lot of good players who won't get to be in it. or you won't get to see."

they rarely play anyway
so your dumb

Keith S said...

"what is the prize for that"

I told you yesterday. Don't you listen, or were you too busy looking for penii?

El Padrino said...

“I’m just going to have a pretty relaxing week up here,” he said. “No plans to travel or do anything. My plans to Cabo fell through.” - Manning


look at Elijah's sense of humor....well played

El Padrino said...

"I told you yesterday. Don't you listen, or were you too busy looking for penii?"

wasnt that for the one that i won already

and your face is a penii

Keith S said...

"wasnt that for the one that i won already"

So yeah, you weren't paying attention

tem said...

"they rarely play anyway
so your dumb"

they play plenty. especially the non superbowl teams.

El Padrino said...

- "A 27-year-old Deltona woman told authorities she bit her husband's penis because she didn't want to have sex with him."

beth next time just a simple no, get off me will do

El Padrino said...

"they play plenty. especially the non superbowl teams."

what are you talkin about

El Padrino said...

temcrazy

El Padrino said...

"So yeah, you weren't paying attention"

everytime someone else wins they get a prize

this is because i voted for mcain

Keith S said...

"everytime someone else wins they get a prize"


You should try to win the contests where prizes are announced ahead of time

tem said...

"what are you talkin about"

at least 15 players from the conference championships played in the pro bowl last year.

tem said...

11 the year before that.

tem said...

taking those players away from the game makes it even dumber.

it is already dumb enough.


they minus well just have it in the middle of the season and give everyone a bye week.

Keith S said...

So instead of it being an irrelevant game in the middle of February, it'll be an irrelevant game at the end of January

tem said...

an even more irrelevant game.

Keith S said...

Today's Amazon $2 music album is not so grate*

The 99 Most Essential Beethoven Masterpieces

tem said...

at least after the superbowl i can ignore it easily.

if they put it before it there will be even less of the good players and i'll be forced to hear about it.

El Padrino said...

who cares

Keith S said...

Father of the year

Keith S said...

who cares died

El Padrino said...

brandon jacobs piece

tem said...

"brandon jacobs piece"

who cares?

Keith S said...

I missed the part in the BJ piece that says he's made of paper

El Padrino said...

"I missed the part in the BJ piece that says he's made of paper"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

good one

El Padrino said...

"Mortensen, a good reporter, has been in Parcells' camp for years. He reported Parcells was signing with Atlanta last December in a move designed to prod Huizenga to action. And it did. So it's not much of a stretch to think if this latest story didn't come from Parcells, it came from his agent, Billy Sexton, or someone in his camp."



so mort reports faslities on purpose?

isiah thomas said...

outstanding post tem, much hilarity

isiah thomas said...

Dr. Z - Just be happy I even wrote your name.


hilarity

isiah thomas said...

The Uninvited

This movie is a sequel/prequel of sorts to Wedding Crashers.


The Uninvited = Wedding Crashers Prequel + Weird Science


I'd watch that. ns

El Padrino said...

"Cardinals had about 8,000 unsold tickets as of Monday"


lame.

isiah thomas said...

Zeke would definitely let it fly. There's no doubt in my mind. And maybe statboy.

couldn't be more wrong Andy.

ns

isiah thomas said...

Crennel told the Cleveland Plain Dealer in a phone interview Monday that he'd be willing to stay if the new coach wanted him on his staff.

Crennel seems like a huge Doofus

tem said...

crennel needs a job.

times be tough you.

El Padrino said...

crennel is a great def coordinator
just like wade phillips

Andy M said...

"couldn't be more wrong Andy."


really.

tem said...

crennel is going to join mangini's new staff in cleveland.

tem said...

who is statboy?

freak?

Andy M said...

"who is statboy?

freak?"


yes

Andy M said...

Did you guys hear about the Pro Being played before the Super Bowl next season?


Jeezaloo, that's dumb.

tem said...

it's dumber than dumb. it's for realz inc. dumb.

Andy M said...

I guess Kobe wants traded, too.

isiah thomas said...

crennel is a great def coordinator
when the team he works for secretly vidye-o tapes the other team.

*fized

isiah thomas said...

really.


did you miss the ns?

ns

(not S)

tem said...

I hate it when people tell me that "it's a marathon not a sprint."

have you seen the dudes who win marathons? they basically sprint the whole time. They are running like sub 5 minute miles for each mile. That is sprinting for me.

isiah thomas said...

Who wants to eat mulit-grain pizza?

now it's: PIZZA HUT MADE THE PIZZA!

isiah thomas said...

maybe they meant its a marathon of sprints and not just one sprint.

Keith S said...

efmtem: Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

tem: Go go gadget temgagement

Andy M said...

"did you miss the ns?"


I didn't question it.

El Padrino said...

"crennel is a great def coordinator
when the team he works for secretly vidye-o tapes the other team.

*fized"

he's really a parcells disciple, he was good here in ny

tem said...

"maybe they meant its a marathon of sprints and not just one sprint."

i think what they mean is that i will die if i try it.

i would die if i tried a marathon.

El Padrino said...

running is stoppit

El Padrino said...

easily the worst sport i even participated in

tem said...

ok just listened to that i kissed a girl song.

it was dumb.

El Padrino said...

sprees

hello 7th grade!

Andy M said...

I'm looking at an '05 Focus with 46k miles on it for $7-8k.

Andy M said...

Sprees are great.

tem said...

type that shit into autotrader.com

something will come up.

tem said...

or autos.com or cars.com or whatever.

tem said...

HUNGRY.

but wft is Sprees?

El Padrino said...

7or 8 k cant you get a civic or something

which is >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> than anything ford produces

isiah thomas said...

lemme lemme upgrade ya grade ya

isiah thomas said...

Sprees


stop it

isiah thomas said...

162K miles and counting on the Civic baby!

Andy M said...

"7or 8 k cant you get a civic or something

which is >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> than anything ford produces"


I'm not getting a civic that already has 100,000 miles on it.

Andy M said...

"162K miles and counting on the Civic baby!"


I wound up with 180k on my Contour

isiah thomas said...

7-8K will buy you more Civic than it will a ford product.

if that makes cents*

Andy M said...

Plus, I want an auxiliary jack for the iPod

Andy M said...

"if that makes cents*"

It does

isiah thomas said...

Wildcats.....

football

Wildcats.....

football

El Padrino said...

whatever, if the ford breaks i'm sure you can fix it yourself anyway

isiah thomas said...

I've had enough Steph Curry hype for one season.

isiah thomas said...

keef, me and kinfolk peeped game on the "Zoo Lights" last night.

it's quality if you've never been.

crowd was ginormous though, that sucked

Andy M said...

not much for selection

El Padrino said...

jets are dumb for not giving cowher control

isiah thomas said...

Andy if you're going the used car route, make sure its "certified pre-owned".

you can get a good look at a butcher by sticking your head up its ass.

isiah thomas said...

$7,700
Mileage: 200,000



AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

get the fuck out of here

isiah thomas said...

oh, it's a hybrid

Andy M said...

"whatever, if the ford breaks i'm sure you can fix it yourself anyway"


Domestics are cheaper/easier to fix

isiah thomas said...

2005 with 200k miles, even if its a hybrid, fuck that

isiah thomas said...

have you tried ebay (ns)?

isiah thomas said...

espn just said Cowher is interested in the Jets job.

and that they have permission to speak with Spagnolo.

El Padrino said...

"espn just said Cowher is interested in the Jets job."

Negative: Sources: Cowher won't interview for Jets job

because, woody wont give him the full control or his own GM

Keith S said...

"keef, me and kinfolk peeped game on the "Zoo Lights" last night."

I went there 2 years ago. It's alright, but yeah, too many kids there

Keith S said...

mize
I'll sell you an '01 Grand Am GT with only 118k miles on it for real cheap

Keith S said...

A Jets source also said Tannenbaum says he's willing to adjust his position to accommodate Cowher.


WFT? The Jets GM is named Chrismas* Tree?

Andy M said...

"I'll sell you an '01 Grand Am GT with only 118k miles on it for real cheap"


I'll have to graciously decline that offer.

isiah thomas said...

Negative: Sources: Cowher won't interview for Jets job


the latest update was live from 10 mins ago from the Jets beat writer

Keith S said...

I love sitting at home waiting for my car to be fized*

El Padrino said...

real nice

El Padrino said...

"UPDATE: 12:48pm - Some sources (WFAN, ESPN - see above link, which has been updated) are now saying that Tannenbaum is willing to take a reduced role to get Cowher on board. I reckon this move is going to happen…"



correct keef

Keith S said...

"real nice"

jeezaloo. I need to get me a golden parachute

Keith S said...

Hell, I'll even take a bronze parachute

El Padrino said...

"but the official says the Jets would be willing to do “whatever is necessary” to land Cowher if he is truly interested in taking the job."

atta boy, make me jealous

Andy M said...

I need to get a real job

El Padrino said...

freak will love this link

Keith S said...

Goddman nerds

Keith S said...

"I need to get a real job"

Yo tambien

tem said...

"I need to get a real job"

try here .

Keith S said...

Fucking Southwest is offering 50% off flights to Vegas if you book them today or tomorrow. Sucks I already bought mine

tem said...

car

Keith S said...

Hilarity

Andy M said...

Tem, I'm not going to Ohio for a car

tem said...

andy, they will bring it to you.

Keith S said...

MPS will specialize in shipping cars

Keith S said...

I am going to apply for this

tem said...

MPS will provide meiz with his own BMW.

tem said...

do it keef, then you'll be a dbag.

El Padrino said...

how does kod feel about this eagle/viking matchup?

El Padrino said...

keef/zeke

your opportunity to go to a playoff game and see the upstart ATL Falcons is there

seize it.

Keith S said...

"your opportunity to go to a playoff game and see the upstart ATL Falcons is there"

I have to do laundry that day

El Padrino said...

rumor that we are moving to 60 Wall st.

el pad couldnt be happier about that

El Padrino said...

"I have to do laundry that day"

what's laundry?

Beth said...

your opportunity to go to a playoff game and see your team lose to the upstart ATL Falcons is there

*fixed

Keith S said...

You think the Cardinals are my team?

El Padrino said...

"your opportunity to go to a playoff game and see your team lose to the upstart ATL Falcons is there

*fixed"

it's not thier team beth but i'll accept this as an attempt at a bet and or slap to the face

i like your spunk

tem said...

"rumor that we are moving to 60 Wall st.

el pad couldnt be happier about that"

why? what's at 60 wall st.?

tem said...

el pad likes spunk.

El Padrino said...

"why? what's at 60 wall st.?"

it's not jersey city

Keith S said...

i like spunk


*fized

Keith S said...

dammit tem

Beth said...

Well it's "their" team as in Arizona's team, and they live in Ariz so close enough.

tem said...

that's hilarity.

tem said...

great fiz

tem said...

if you worked on wall street where would you park your Audi?

Keith S said...

"Well it's "their" team as in Arizona's team, and they live in Ariz so close enough."

Stop it

Keith S said...

Georgia Tech is in Atlanta, and Beth is in Atlanta, so GT is her team

Beth said...

If I heard it right, the last 3 champs won 3 road playoff games to get to (and win) the Super Bowl.

Not that I think the Falcons are necessarily going to win the Super Bowl, but I'm just saying...

Beth said...

"Georgia Tech is in Atlanta, and Beth is in Atlanta, so GT is her team"

Except you don't have 2 NFL teams in Arizona so the analogy fails.

Keith S said...

And they all had goofy white quarterbacks.

Keith S said...

You don't have 2 D-1 colleges in Atlanta

tem said...

she is using a state and you are using just 1 city.

Keith S said...

So?

Keith S said...

It's a marathon, not a sprint, tem

El Padrino said...

"if you worked on wall street where would you park your Audi?"

stop it tem

Beth said...

"You don't have 2 D-1 colleges in Atlanta"

Athens is basically an Atlanta suburb. Lots of people commute daily from one to the other for their jobs.

But damn, I didn't expect you to get your panties all in a wad by my referring to the Cardinals as your team.

tem said...

"So?

It's a marathon, not a sprint, tem"

touche

tem said...

his panties are in a wad because he likes spunk.

Keith S said...

"But damn, I didn't expect you to get your panties all in a wad by my referring to the Cardinals as your team."

If you say so

Keith S said...

My panties were not in a bunch. They were very neatly pressed

Keith S said...

Uh, I mean, it's gotta be your bull

Andy M said...

comment

Keith S said...

what happened?

Beth said...

Your pressed panties caused a wall?

El Padrino said...

just entered a playoff pool

pick the winners and scores
wif spread
lowest differential between score picked and real score wins

*$100

*the $100 also buys you two super bowl boxes which are $25 so really the pool is $50

*also if you finish top 3 you pick your own numbers in said SB box

Beth said...

"just entered a playoff pool"

At least you're staying strong with that no gambling rule you'd set for yourself...

Keith S said...

"*the $100 also buys you two super bowl boxes which are $25 so really the pool is $50"

Or the $100 can buy you 4 super bowl boxes

El Padrino said...

"At least you're staying strong with that no gambling rule you'd set for yourself..."

All pools are allowed. Individual betting is not.

(Except for the Super Bowl)

El Padrino said...

"Or the $100 can buy you 4 super bowl boxes"

if you dont want to be in the playoff pool then yes

Keith S said...

My dog does not like wearing this

Keith S said...

"if you dont want to be in the playoff pool then yes"

So if you win the $100, you can't use all of it to buy SB boxes?

El Padrino said...

"So if you win the $100, you can't use all of it to buy SB boxes?"

The playoff pool costs $50 to enter. The other $50 buys the boxes (which you dont have to buy right now). You win like $1500 on top of getting to pick your numbers for the SB boxes if you win the playoff pool.

Andy M said...

"just entered a playoff pool

pick the winners and scores
wif spread
lowest differential between score picked and real score wins"


And so it begins...

Keith S said...

"The playoff pool costs $50 to enter. The other $50 buys the boxes (which you dont have to buy right now). You win like $1500 on top of getting to pick your numbers for the SB boxes if you win the playoff pool."

OIC

Keith S said...

BTW... gambling is gambling. Doesn't matter if it's pools or individual games

Keith S said...

rev

Keith S said...

newr

Keith S said...

spaerta

Keith S said...

older

Keith S said...

milestone premie z

tem said...

teh gayzors

tem said...

ib. ybz.

Andy M said...

What an awful day

El Padrino said...

"BTW... gambling is gambling. Doesn't matter if it's pools or individual games"

Don't judge me.

Andy M said...

Nobody's judging. We're just pointing out that you're reasoning with yourself on this.

Keith S said...

Don't speak for me, mize. I'm judging.






s

El Padrino said...

"Nobody's judging. We're just pointing out that you're reasoning with yourself on this."

fair enough

tem said...

i don't judge.

tem said...

but it is almost

tem said...

older

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"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino