Friday, November 28, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Every one had enough? Why do we do it to ourselves. I literally couldn't move for an hour straight. And when I did move it was to get a piece of pie. How silly is that? Speaking of silly the Lions tried to play professional football yesterday. It didn't work out. Seahawks were more competitive although the score didn't indicate that. I would have watched a pee-wee all-star football game than that slop. Maybe Snoop's team vs Asthon Kutcher Knife's team.

Moving on I woke up with what I'm calling a "Hines Ward" Cold. Because it came out of nowhere and smacked me silly. Jeaz-a-loo I need a bed right now. With that said you'll be getting just picks. I will not drop any knowledge on you. Deal with it. It's already 9:05 for crissakes.

Where I Stand:
Cash : $1483
Picks: 36-28

Straight Bets ($50)
Pittsburgh +2.5 over WVU
ECU -6 over Texas El Paso
Kansas/Mizzou over 69
Florida State +16.5 over Florida
Southern Cal -32 over Notre Dame

Big Boys....
Green Bay -3 over Carolina ($100)
Green bay mad. Carolina mad too. Green bay home.

St.Louis +10 over Miami ($100)
Dolphins have not covered a spread since Bill Parcells was a C cup.

New Orleans +4 over Tampa ($250)
Just think Saints push for a playoff spot. Started Monday night.

Colts -4.5 over Browns ($300)
Easy as the pie that went down yesterday. This bet decreases to ($100) with any chance of bad weather.

Oh and Oregon does win. Some reason or another Jehovah likes the Buckeyes. Zeke/Spiff, 2 day name change bet for Wash/Giant game? Wash is plus 3 at home.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have some turkey!

Have some mashed potatoes!

Have some stuffing!

Have some pie!

Have more pie!

Let's see if I can get a little cheesy. I'm thankful we live in this totally awesome place called America. From the to the liars to the snobs to the kods. And to think we get to dick around on the internet most of the day, too. Not half bad.

I think I'd be letting everyone down if I didn't provide some sort of video. So, check out jug's guide to falling from space.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tanks Giving.

Alright, the day before Thanksgiving. I get to leave at 2:30 today. Pretty awesome.

So, the football games tomorrow. Can the match-ups get any worse? Seriously, they need some kind of flex schedule for these Turkey day games. Even if they just swapped opponents this year I'd be happy. Like Detroit and Seattle should play the early game and then we get Dallas and Tennessee. So you'd get a sloppy first game that could be high scoring because both defenses are terrible, and then you get a pretty decent second game. Who's with me on this?

Speaking of the Lions, some dude was on the local rock station this morning and he said he's trying to bring a football team to Los Angeles. Blah, blah, blah, heard it before. This dude, however, wants to bring the Lions to L.A., to which my response was, "Oh Lord, Please God, NO". I want a football team, just not THAT football team. Unless Barry Sanders is coming back. Is Barry Sanders coming back? No? He's not coming back? Ok, I'm going to go back to my previous stance about the Lions coming to L.A.; please God, nooooooooooooooo!

So this McNabb business; it's just crazy. The dude has no one to throw to, Andy Reid calls passing plays on 95% of their downs, and their all-purpose running back is hobbling around on one leg. Oh, and they were also playing against one of the best defenses in the NFL. So, when you throw on virtually every down, and you have a JV receiving corps (or core; I didn't want to go an entire post without a HDH sighting), really, what the hell is the guy supposed to do? A good defense like the Ravens is going to do just what they did; pick you apart. And they almost murdered Kevin Cobb Kolb, he was pretty much worse than McNabb was. You can't be Superman in every game, McNabb is going to have a bad game every now and then.

Damn, it seems I have been defending Philly in almost every post lately, which really pisses me off.

Anyways, if I were the Lions or the Raiders, or better yet, the 49ers GM, I'd say to my owner, "You know what, we're just going to screw up our first round pick anyway, let's see if we can trade it to Philly for McNabb". I could really see him fitting in on the 9ers squad. Their receivers are about as good as the Eagles, they have a beast at Tight-End (who still needs to prove himself, but I think with McNabb he would finally reach his potential) and they have a Westbrook-type back in Gore. Singletary wants to commit to the run, so you don't have an Andy Reid who completely forgets about running the ball during a game. You also have Mike Martz, who some claim is a genius, so he should be able to draw up some plays for McNabb. Screw it, I just read this on ESPN's homepage; Chris Mortensen is reporting that the San Francisco 49ers have offered a first and third round draft pick for Donovan McNabb*. Done and done.

Speaking of rumors, El P, get ready. The hot rumor right now is Lebron to the Knicks. And people are already saying that it's a done deal, even though there's still almost 2 years of basketball to be played. The only holdup is that Lebron wants the team named after himself**.

The strange thing is, I really don't know why the Knicks are holding up this Zebo trade, apparently they're worried about Mobley's heart. He ain't gonna be playing for you in less than two years, and this deal frees up a ton of cap space. Clear the guy and play him 15 minutes a game. You've already got Eddie Curry on your team, who you're actively trying to kill by having him run in Dantony's offense, what are you waiting for? Get the deal done already. ::EDITOR'S NOTE:: This was discussed yesterday and the trade was finalized in the afternoon.

Anyways, back to the Lebron rumor. He's not the only guy rumored to be headed to the NYC. The Knicks are on the hook for $18 mill in 2010/2011, and $0 for 2011-2013. So, basically, they can sign Lebron to a max contract AND STILL be in the running for the other top free agents in a loaded off season (That sound you heard was El P busting a nut in his pants at his computer). Like, let's say Chris Bosh, which there are rumors flying around that that is a done deal too. If they don't get Chris Bosh, there's also Carlos Boozer (he has a player option at the end of this year, so he could be off the market by then, but they could sign him in this coming off season). Dwyane Wade could also opt out of his contract.

There's also plenty of second tier players to fill out the rest of your starters. Like Joe Johnson. Tracy McGrady. Richard Jefferson and Micheal Redd. STEVE NASH (Lately, Dantony has been having dreams every night involving himself in Candy Land, holding hands with Nash and Lebron while they skip alone on a basketball court made of gumdrops***). I'm not saying they're going to get all of those guys, but they'll have a shot at whoever they want to go after. And yeah, Nash is gonna be old by the time he's a free agent, but if they can sign him to a reasonable contract and play him in a time-share with another point guard, that wouldn't be all bad.

There are also plenty of other unrestricted free agents, like Marcus Camby and Brad Miller and Kenyon Martin that they can sign to fill out their bench. The possibilities are endless. And the two contracts that they are committed to for 2010 (Eddie Curry at $11 mill, and Jared Jeffries at almost $7 mill) are both expiring contracts, so, at some point in the season, they could make a trade to some team that just wants to clear cap space. They could have an entirely brand-new team inside of two years. Like a 100%, totally new roster. It's crazy.

And remember, this is an owner that spent $141 million a couple of years ago and is spending pretty close to $100 million this year, so you're looking at a possible $80-100 million to play with in 2010; with Lebron as the figurehead. AND, if you can land him, every single man, woman and child in NYC is going to go out and buy a brand new #23 Lebrons James New York Knicks Lebrons jersey. So, you're going to have truckloads of money showing up to your door just from merchandise sales. And then you can jack up ticket prices. It's a win/win situation. It just sucks for El P that it's two years away. But it's gonna happen. At least that's what everyone is saying. So, it's gotta be true. I read it on the internet, and now, so did you.

*Ok, I made that up. Mort really didn't report that.

**Ok, I made that up too. But it would be funny to see everyone in NYC have to throw out their old Knicks gear then go out and buy new "New York Lebrons" stuff. The guys that walk around the streets of NYC in their Knicks hat, Knicks baseball jersey, Knicks jeans, with their Knicks cellphone and Knicks tattoos would be pissed****. I can only hope that El P is not "one of those people".

***This may or may not be true. Only Dantony really knows, and he's not telling anyone. But, there is another rumor that he is going to insist that Lebron and Nash and whoever else they sign be contractually obligated to grow, groom and maintain a mustache during the season. Everyone in NYC will be growing "Playoff 'staches" in May/June.

****I did not make that up. Last time I was there, in one day I saw like seven guys rockin' that look. And it is super tacky. I really hope El P's closet doesn't look someone ate a Knicks t-shirt and then threw up on his clothes, because that's what those guys look like. It's a disease.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Larry, Don't Be Ridiculous

So here we go again, another Monday in the books. To borrow a bit from Keith, Green Bay - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, thanks for showing up for awhile.

It's funny, during the week I think of all these great things I want to write about and then I write about nothing. I just forget about the things I wanted to write about. I should get a notepad or something to write things down on. I wonder if people would ask me what the notepad was for. I'd totally have to make something up because I couldn't say "this blog I spend my workday on." Ah screw it, I'll start writing my thoughts down. Sometimes they are good thoughts.

In gambling news, Freak has laid down like 60 bets in 3 days. Wow. I bet on 2 soccer games today, I hope I win.

Screw it, I know people only want one thing from me so here it is, of course I put something else in front of it first:

Mortensen Report* -

After their embarrassing loss to the Saints expect major changes from the Packers this weekend. These changes could include benching Aaron Rodgers in favor of Matt Flynn. Word out of Packers camp is that they know what they have in Rodgers and it might be time to see what they have in Flynn. As you recall Flynn is the man who beat out the higher drafted Brian Brohm for the 2nd string job.

Movie Review* -


This movie is about Australia, seriously, the title is not misleading in any way. Go figure. Anyway, so of course this movie is animated and is basically a rip off of those Madagascar movies. In this movie Chris Rock plays a Kangaroo who is totally into hip hop and is a stoner. George Carlin, before he died, did the voice for a grumpy crocodile who keeps getting called an alligator and is therefore grumpy. He might win a posthumous (or however that is spelled) Oscar. I think he will. Queen Latifah is in every animated movie now because she is too fat to fit on the big screen in person. She plays an out of place Koala who is mildly retarded. He thinks he was born with SIDS, a stance that really upsets the crocodile. Anyway, Paul Hogan is in the movie too as well as all the other Australian stars, except ones that could get better work.

So the plot is that these goofy animals need to save Christmas in Australia. As usual in animated comedies fart jokes are plentiful and much animated hilarity ensues. Try to cover the kids' eyes for the crocodile death scene though, it makes Bambi's mom's death look like a cake walk. Anyway I won't spoil the made up conclusion for you, but it was fantabulous.

3.5 helmet stickers out of 5.

*100% made up, maybe. I don't know, maybe they are real. I just made them up but sometimes I make things up that are real.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Do you like apples?

So yeah, thanks for playing, Texas Tech. You had a lot of us fooled for a few weeks. You play well at home against top teams, but you showed your true colors in Norman on Saturday. Of course for OU, it’ll all be for naught if Texas wins against A&M this weekend. OU, UT, & TT could all end up tying for the Big 12 South lead, which I guess would use BCS rankings as the tie-breaker. Laaaaame. So Texas could play for the Big 12 title, lose to Mizzou, and then OU could back their way into the BCS title game. What a system we have here, folks!! So we’re definitely going to have a Big 12 team in the title game. My guess is they’ll play FU. And the Tebows will win it all. And TP will be happy…if he’s still alive.

Norv Turner. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Bowl projections have tOSU playing in the Capital One Bowl against UGH. Please God no. I don’t really want both of my teams losing to the Beths in the span of 4 months. Maybe a BCS bowl will pick tOSU so this nightmare can be averted.

Donovan McNabb. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Pacman is getting his last chance apparently. If he makes it rain 1 more time, he’ll be watching fooyball games the same way I do…but probably with more whores and coke lying around. But just barely.

Notre Dame fooyball. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Jesus Chris there was a lot of high scoring games in the NATIONAL FOOYBALL LEAGUE this weekend. The average score was 34-18. That’s a lot. Global warming is causing havoc everywhere.

Some dude has to win 1 more game on that WWL streak for the cash game to win 1 meel-yun dollars. Good luck to you sir…NOONAN!!!!

Softball update. I don’t know how we did. I went to a pre-Thanksgiving dinner w/ fmk’s family so I missed the games tonight. But at least I got a little buzzed. And I had a rev-sized portion of dinner and pie. I ate 4 hours ago and I still feel like I should vomit to make myself feel better. Good times all around.

Game on!

Friday, November 21, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Huge win for Michigan hoops. That's all I have to say about that.
Yanks tell CC to shit or get off the pot. Like father like son.
Stillirs D dominated. Now I have to sweat out the Broncos. 27 peeps had Pitt.
Hillary to be Sec of State, Enjoy the Change!
Mussina is not a hall of famer. Jus sayin.
Bears have taken over Wall Street.
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz had a boy. Named, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. ::blank stare::

Enjoy your Friday,

Love Brenda xoxoxoxo

Where I stand:
Cash: $1132.50
Picks: 32-27

Oklahoma -7 over Texas Tech (Straight Bet $100)
It's 12:01am. The Carriage turns into a pumpkin.

Michigan +21 over Osu (Staight Bet : $50)
I don't give a shit. Win and all is forgotten. Your gonna get a fairshake Rich Rod, but not if you don't beat OSU at least once in your tenure, however long that is. Why not try now. It would really get those alums off your back. Inspire coach. Inspire.

Bears -9.5 over Rams (Straight Bet : $150)
Yesterday I said, "st louis rams beat Dal and Wash but lose to everyone else by an average of 25 points". This trend continues. Side note, Lovie Smith's real name is Lovie Smith ::blank stare::.

New England pick em' over Fins (Straight Bet : $100)
Dolphins have had two close calls against Seattle and Raiders. Both teams could have beaten the Dolphins if they weren't so inept. Chad Pennington is the only dolphin that is not making mistakes. New England has to win this game and they usually do, especially after getting ran out of thier own building earlier this fall.

Atlanta -1 over Carolina (Straight Bet : $50)
Ryan's revenge. He looked like a rookie against Carolina in week 2 or 3. Things have changed. They will Kill Bill.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Not now, not ever, it's never a good time

Hell, I don't know what to write about. Sports? Let's try that.

The MLBPA is supposedly pressuring Carsten Charles to take the Yankee deal so salaries this offseason can be set higher. Pretty sure that's his decision you money grubbing whores.

And now for your Ball State Fighting Football Cardinals Fighting Football Cardinals postgame report. Your Fighting Football Cardinals defeated the Chippewas of Central Michigan 31-24 to remain undefeated at 11-0. They played in the snow! Something about Paul.

The Cubs are reportedly looking to trade for Mark Teahan or David Dejesus. Because when your biggest woe is horrendous playoff experience, you look to Royals outfielders to change that.

Pacman Jones has the highest ratio of talk about him to plays made of anyone in the history of sport. Jug, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get Pacman in trouble of your choosing, so we can all be rid of him from our lifes.

Some games for boredom.

Greg Oden is a large man. I've held in my hands a couple of his game jerseys. I'm fairly confident you could fit two Revs in there. And kod could totally wear Oden's shorts as a shirt. Why do I tell you this? Well, I feel my random knowledge should not go to waste, and some guy I'm about to link talks about Oden.


Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sign THEN drive.

Ok, let's see what people have already posted that I missed because I've been too busy at work:

Dustin Pedroia becomes the first dwarf to win an MVP award. I don't know what's up with this MVP voting. Pedroia wasn't even the best player on his own team and he wins the award. I think Youkilis should have won it. And the NL MVP should have gone to either Ryan Howard or Manny. As a Dodgers fan, it pains me to say that Ryan Howard got robbed. But he does have a Championship Ring, so he's got that going for him. I'm sorry, if you don't make the playoffs, you better put up some overwhelming numbers to get an MVP, and Pooholes didn't do that in my opinion. Stupid writers.

Pacman completed rehab, now he's waiting for Goodell to reinstate him so he can screw up again. The over/under is set at eight weeks. Seriously, Pro Athletes get WAY too many chances.

The Cubs signed Dempster to a four-year, $52 million contract. Ha, the Cubs fell for the classic contract year pitcher. Freak, cherish the next couple of years where he goes 5-10 before the inevitable injury/buyout happens. Nicely done, Cubs management, you saved me from having go buy a new laptop after I destroyed my current one from reading a "Dodgers sign Dempster to a six-year $87 million contract" headline on ESPN's front page.

More baseball news, the Mariners are hiring some bench coach guy from the A's as their manager. Awesome, I guess you can't get much worse than losing 101 games. Hire a dude off the street and you would still probably stumble into 62 wins.

RichRod (I almost typed RichRob) tells UM fans to get a life. Well, he ALMOST told them that. I think the exact quote was, "You almost want to tell them, 'Get a life'." Way to encourage the alumni to donate in a recession there, guy. The Michigan PR dood needs to sit RichRob down for a 19-hour session of "stuff not to say into a microphone or to anyone with a notepad".

Jerry Stackhouse is apparently trying to force a trade. He wants more minutes. Unfortunately for the Stack, everyone has figured out that he's about six years past his prime. If I was Cuban, I'd charter a flight Charlotte, find out what country club Jordan was at, start a round of golf at $10k a hole, then start playing like crap. Get him hammered at the clubhouse at the halfway mark and tip the bartender to serve you water instead of vodka. On the 18th hole, bet him that if you make a 10 foot put, he'll trade you Raymon Felton, Sean May and a second round pick for Stackhouse. Then run like hell when Oakley figures out that you were sober the entire time. I don't care how old he is, you do not want to be catching an elbow from him.

And that's pretty much all I've got.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Sick Day!!!

How often is Tem not at work? Jeezaloo.

Rian Lindell is no Phil Dawson

As stated in LoVAD, this season's monday nighters have been great.

Wanda Sykes came out of the closet. Who knew?

I don't get the people that are sitting in their cars waiting for us to open every morning. Just go to work. Your business here can't be that important, can it?

Lunch is free today. What ever shall we dine on this noon?

I was going to make a hackneyed attempt at a tem movie review, but that's waaay out of my league.

AM 1250 has me convinced that the Breers are already going to be awful next year. So much for hope and springing and whatnot.

Are waiting for Beth?

I think I'm going to see the new Batman movie on Thursday. I heard its pretty good, and the Joker dies in it, so its got that going for it.

Okay. Time to wait for Tits.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Michigan week!!

I can’t believe it’s my turn again. It seems like I just posted something last week. I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun.

So I didn’t see the Lesnar/Couture fight over the weekend, but my buddy watched it and said it seemed like it was fixed. He said it appeared similar to Elite-X when they were trying to get Kimbo out there give him every chance to be their meal ticket. He said he thought the ref stepped in too quick to call it. Of course, he was drunk, but still... I know UFC has a bunch of stars, but they have noone in the heavyweight division who people are going to pay to see, so I could see them pimping up Brock to bring some name recognition to that division. Like I said, I didn’t see the fight, but it’s an interesting thought. I’d like to hear tem's take on this.

Enjoyed seeing tOSU get revenge on Illinois yesterday. Really enjoyed seeing this run by Beanie Wells. If he comes back for his senior year (AHIIK), with him and Pryor, they would have the chance to lose to Alabamer in the title game.

And IDGAF how bad Michigan is this year. This is the game for tOSU. Lose this game and the season is worthless. Win it, and you keep the streak going and a second set of seniors goes out with 4 wins over UM. I’m just glad that Pryor is on the OSU side and not the Michigan side.

Good thing rev is in the land of curry right now. We might have lost our old friend if he had witnessed that Eagles/Bangles game. How do the Iggles not win a game like that. Their talent >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> than Cincy’s talent. I guess it really might be time for the Mormon coach to go, huh.

In other Pennsylvania news, the Steelers beat the Chargers 11-10. I only mention this because apparently it is the first time in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAUGUE that a game has ended 11-10. Knowing is knowledge.

This is ridiculous. Tennessee doing a little temperature check to see if Gruden or Lovie Smith would want to come coach. Um, these are two fairly successful NFL coaches, making loot. Why would they want to drop that and go to a college program that is clearly on the the SEC no less. I know they both had small ties to the program years ago, but come on, Tennessee. Be realistic about it.

Softball update…we split the double header and I went 5 for 7. I was Ichiro tonight. All my hits were to the right side. First game was awful. I hit leadoff and I only batted 3 times. Half the lineup only batted twice. Turrrrible.

Shuffle up & deal!

Friday, November 14, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

First off I need to know if T sent Clifford some roses. Keeping the baseball theme for a minute Free Agency officially begins today and it should be a slobberknocker. Expect the millions to be flying around. Funny thing bout that, economy is in the tank and beisbol players are getting paid more than ever. Expect 180MM for Carsten Charles. Manny thing will be interesting. Boras is so good at what he does it makes him a tremendous asshole. If he wrote a book I betcha it'd be a NY Times best seller week one. So lot's of baseball news going on today, let's beware, keep our eye on the prize and close some ass.

Games be good you.

I may be shammy'ing this a bit but that might be the 2nd or 3rd biggest win in Jet History. I mean to be up 24-6, they come back after you forget to come out of the locker room for the 3rd quarter, then to sustain that back breaking drive only to have Cassel come back to tie it, then win on the first possesion in OT...that was a damn good win and a helluva football game. Mayo is some linebacker. And it was nice to see Bruschi on the sideline for some defensive snaps. Your old and tired. Please die. Vrabel haolding call, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Fuck aitch.

Where I Stand:
Cash : $1157.50
Picks: 29-25

No big games in college this week. I'll bite on just one decent one.

OK State -17 over Colorado (Straight Bet $50)

I'm a man! I'm 40. Been dying to work that into a post. Feels good.

Jax +3 over Titans (Striaght Bet $150)

3rd time is a charm. I've said for two weeks now that the Titans will go down. And two weeks in a row they've found a way to win. The Green Bay game was closer but this week they play road favorites again. In Jacksonville, it seems like Jack Del Rio has had enough of everyone's shit and is really pissed off. He looks like a guy who, if he throws some shit around the office, it looks quite frightening. And mind you this a rarity for me, the ATS numbers involved in this match-up are heavily slanted towards Tennessee.

Bengals +9 over Philly (Straight Bet $150)

Big number for the Iggles who tend to play down to thier competition (cept week one). Bengals have improved, have been in a number of close games and almost beat the defending champs in thier own house. I know Palmer is out but Fitzpatrick is not Brad Johnson terrible so they got that going for them.

San Diego +5.5 over Pittsburgh (Straight Bet : Shits and Giggles, $25)

It's obvious SD won't be threatened or pushed to win that division. Unless the Broncos can wake up and play defense. That aside I feel like everytime I watch this team or highlights that they "Moss" it a couple of plays against the likes of Kansas City or Oakland. In this business we say all the time "they play down to thier competition", hell I even said that in an earlier nugget and the flip side of that is "they get up for big games". This is a huge game for San Diego. I believe it will be the 4:15 game nationally on CBS. Pittsburgh is banged up pretty bad, the Injury list they just put out is longer than Rev's saturday afternoon King Kullen run and SD have heard all year thus far what a "failure" they been so far. As if the season is only 9 weeks old. This is a show me game. SD shows up.

St Loo/San Fran over 44. Going against the trends again. No idea why. Just a hunch.

This, this is for Matilda.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Originator

You've seen imitators, you've seen duplicators, now you can see the originator.

Suns and Rockets got into a fight. Nope, Ron Artest wasn't involved. Shaq, Barnes, Alston, McGrady and maybe Nash will probably recieve suspensions. McGrady set a pick on Nash and Nash started rubbing his shoulder and being canadian, so on the next Rockets possession when Alston tried to screen Barnes, Barnes gave Alston a forearm to the chest to move him out of the way. Alston was not appreciative, and shoved Barnes back. Nash ran out to confrot Alston and for his troubles was pushed down by McGrady. At this point, everyone's standing in a clump and Shaq runs up and proceeds to push McGrady and Yao over and then shoved Alston 8 feet across the floor. Fun. I'm thinking like 3 games a piece.

Dwight Howard had a triple-double. With blocks.

I know most of you aren't NASCAR fans, but for those that are I thought this was a great piece on how to improve things.

If you are bored today, send an e-mail to and tell them they are all a bunch of douchebags.

This ESPN streak thing is difficult. I can't even get past 4 correct picks in a row. And I'm below .500, 39-41 to be exact. I'm beginning to think I'm unlikely to win the top prize.

Puns are bad in commercials. "Say yellow to the future." Really yellowbook, that's the best you could come up with? Bad pun = bad product.

Fun browser game where you are a college basketball coach trying to improve your progam. Not the most interactive, but an interesting sim nonetheless.

Some crazy ho tried to give me an 80 cent refund on shipping for an ebay item. When she did that, paypal withheld the rest of her money. So she refunded the rest of it to me. Now instead of playing a nice, new xbox game, I get to sit here confused. Why would you refund 80 cents? This goes hand in hand with some amazon seller that sent me a check for 2.60$ for a shipping refund. Strange people.

this is a heck of a punt return:

one of the greatest cinematic chase sequences

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Sorry, I was off yesterday because of Veteran's Day and forgot that today was Wednesday and I had to post something.

Pretty much the only thing I've got is this video of Barack "Oballa" Obama. Behind the back dribble, son!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Post 650 - Wow

Well we here at LOV are up to 650 posts. Probably 100 fantastic posts, 150 shitty posts and 400 good posts. I'm not sure if 650 is a milestone that should be celebrated, but it is something, and something is better than nothing. Unless of course that something sucks so bad that you'd rather have nothing. But I digress, let's talk about things that are on Tem's mind. And by talk about I mean I am going to type it out and you are going to skim over it or just outright skip it and then read the movie review. I know how you all are. I'm on to you.

Hoffman to the Mess soon, write it down. In pencil though because I might, just might be wrong. It has happened before. Just ask anyone that knows me.

College Basketball started. Duke crushed some tiny ass school that nobody had ever heard of until yesterday. Does anyone know if there are any good games this weekend? I doubt it, but maybe. Sometimes those early season tournaments have great games. Of course I don't know when these early season tournaments are this year. I could look it up, but I won't.

OK that's all the sports talk I have in me today, let's talk about random stuff.

TV Show Idea: Before I write this part out, mark my words someone is going to steal this idea, it will happen. I think when that happens I'll get all uppity and ask them to pay off my student loans, I'd call that a fair trade. Anyway, on to the TV show idea. The show centers around 1 character at 3 points in his life. Part of the time he'll be like 17 or something, part of the time he will be in his mid 20s and part of the time he will be in his 40s. It'll be like 3 shows in one. If you want to make it a sitcom think That 70s Show plus Friends plus Frasier. If you want to make it a drama think Dawson's Creek plus Ed plus West Wing. Obviously Tem does not watch many dramas I don't have a good drama comparison for you. (Tem watched Ed though, great show, a comedy drama, but a drama nonetheless) Anyway, I'm pretty sure the show will fail because people will get confused about the whole "same dude/chick at 3 points in his/her life" but this show would be better than half of the crap they are pushing. And as far as I know it is an original idea. So hopefully some Hollywood type person reads this and sells my idea and then pays off my student loans, or gives me lots of money or something. The more likely outcome is that one someone tells me that this concept has been done and failed.

Computer Nerd product: OK here is a computer nerd product. Something should do a line of flash drives that doubles as jewelry. Like have a cross necklace that has a flash drive in it. Or a bracelet or something with one it it. I see all the computer dorks carrying around flash drives and then forgetting them places. If they were wearing their flash drive they wouldn't forget it. Also I hear people say "damn if only I had a flash drive on me" well if they were wearing their Jesus on a Cross/Flash Drive necklace they'd have one. (So this already exists. Then change my idea to a hat that doubles as an umbrella....what? already exists too?? Fuck it.)

Time for a Movie Review:

Four Christmases

Holy Moly is this movie a Debbie Downer of Christmas movies. This is perhaps the saddest movie of all time. It centers around this little kid who has terminal cancer. He finds out on Christmas Eve that he has 3 years to live. So basically the kid has 4 Christmases left in his life. I told you it was a Debbie Downer of a movie.

So the first Christmas is all about being sad that the kid is gonna die and pretty much totally sucks. The mom and dad have to break the news to all the rest of the family, who take it really hard and the kid basically doesn't care because he doesn't understand.

By the second Christmas the kid is pretty much getting it and he is sad as hell. The family does their best to help him through it, but really what can you do?

The third Christmas is where the kid has his moment of realization that he only has a year or so left and he better make the most of it so he does all the stuff he always wanted to do...which for a 10 year old mostly revolves around video games and cartoons.

Around the time of the fourth Christmas the kid is basically on his death bed and might not even make it to Christmas. Everyone is sad, but the kid has accepted his fate, tells everyone not to worry and that he is going to go hang out with Jesus at Jesus' birthday party in Heaven. The little kid dies at 12:01 on Christmas day and everyone is sad.

0 out of 5 helmet stickers. Saddest movie ever. No hilarity ensued and no hell broke lose. Nobody can watch this movie and not cry.

Monday, November 10, 2008

A freakian effort...except the except opposite

Wow, what a great weekend. The #3 team in the country goes down. It rained for about 7 minutes here. We had a drunkfest at my mom’s on Saturday night for my grandpa’s 80th birthday and just about everyone there was shitcanned. And mize saw some stripper boobies. Of course, it’s in Wisconsin, so you can draw your own conclusion about what they looked like. However, I did some spiff-like research and found that the paparazzi was there and this (SFW) picture was posted on the internets. It looks like mize wasn’t lying when he said it was a top 10 day in his life. He looks like a kid in a candy store. Good for you, mize.

So rev’s in India for the next couple weeks. I think he’s going to play golf with the Dalai Lama. Big hitter, the Lama. But not so much with the tipping. I think it’s just another excuse for rev not to comment. But if he really is in India, and he finds an internets connection to comment, then +100 helmet stickers for him. Don’t believe the rumors that Air Mumbai charged rev $25 for carrying on an inner tube. Rumors be ugly, you. I’ve always wondered one thing…do you think white people run all the 7-11’s in India?

It would take a minimum of $500k for me to stand in front of Brandon Jacobs coming at me with a full head of steam.

I watched a little bit of the Indy/Pitt game. It looked like Indy was loading up with 8 in the box a lot. If I ever end up coaching football (AHIIK), I’m going to use that defense and just call it “Beth”. It’ll be great.

Softball update: We split the doubleheader tonight. I went 3 for 5 with 4 walks. And Terry Porter was at the ballpark. I knew he was from Milwaukee so I walked up to him and asked if he was familiar with the legend of mize. He looked at me like I was an idiot for asking it, and that he was going to offer a roster spot before the 2005-06 season but he never had the chance to before he was let go. He was confident that mize could have led them to at least 2 titles. But he did said that UPS is lucky to have a talent like his.

That’s all for now. Don’t forget to tip your bartender.

Friday, November 07, 2008

El Pad's Weekly Betting Forum

Broncos might suck. But when your bad 4th quarter team, like the Browns clearly are, anybody can beat you. Lesson #4567 for you guys. I am like Master Splinter. The Ute game was suspenseful. We might have the Boise St. Broncos and the Utah Utes crashing the BCS party. I hope they know it's BYOB. Matt Jones cuts up cocaine with a mastercard and wants to know what Porter wants to do about it. Someone bought an old pairs of sneaks on EBAY from me. People will buy anything. Hank Baskett wins, you lose. The dude I was playing in $$$$ fantasy last night had Cutler and Royal. Nothing like starting the week off down 108. Let's have a productive day today. I want to talk about strip clubs. Personally I don't care for strip clubs. They are disgusting. That might shock some of you. If Lebron really does end up at MSG I will piss myself with joy. Just a warning. Role Models looks hilarious. Daily Obama might shit his pants article. Carry on my wayward sons.

Where I Stand
Cash 957.50
Picks 25-23 (beth still is 2-1, go beth)

Bama -3 over LSU (Straight Bet : $150)
Satan Saban back in the bayou. Very nice as Borat would say. Is this where PSU gets into the NT picture? Or will Texas Tech flop like a viagraless Hef penis? This is like a soap opera. Meanwhile Florida and USC continue to massacrate opponents. Gotta love the BCS.

Chicago Bears+3 over Tennessee (Straight Bet : $150)
I was THIS close to predicting Green Bay would win (they did cover) but yet again the Titans found a way to win. Well it's going to happen at some point so I'll try it again this week. This time Tenneessee finds itself on the road and Kerry Collins will have to throw more than usual. That. Can't. Be. Good.

Rams +9 over Jets (Straight Bet : $100)
Just on principle. Jets should give no one that many points. Ever. Never ever.

Green Bay +3 over Vikings (Straight Bet : $100)
Vikings are a bad team that look good and get too much respect. Did you guys know that Gus Frerotte is playing football as a Quarterback for the Vikings? Green Bay is a far better team then/than Minnesota. Vikes last three wins have been by 12 points, combined. GB are 12-3-1 ATS in their last 16 road games. That's a bomb ass stat.

Baltimore even over Texans (Staight Bet $200)
If Ray Lewis was put in a octagon to fight Sage Rosenfels who would you wager on?

Good call.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Save Five Zero.

Ok, this is going to be the only political part of the post: for all of the republicans that post here, yeah, you may think that today sucks and yeah, you may be mad about the election results. But you know what? You'll get through it. And the country will be ok. Democrats felt the same way in 2000 and 2004, trust me. There have been comments made here that imply that Obama doesn't know what he's doing, but honestly, we'll be fine. We survived eight years of the Bush regime. We can get through ANYTHING. So just accept it and move on. He's the president, and he'll probably do a mediocre job at it, just like 99% of the former presidents.

Onto Sports:

Man, what the hell is going on with the Raiders? ESPN is reporting that they're are looking into releasing DeAngelo Hall. WFT? Didn't they just trade a second round pick for him in the offseason? And they're not even going to get ONE season out of him? Seriously, a trained seal could do a better job of running that franchise than Al Davis. Commitment to Excellence, my ass.

The Brady Quinn Era officially begins this weekend. So, it was a good move that they gave Derek Anderson all that money in the offseason? I REALLY need to get one of these Pro-Sports General Manager jobs.

Daunte Culpepper may start this weekend for the Lions. It's THAT bad, Detroit? Oh wait, they're 0-8. It IS that bad.

Apparently, nobody wants to coach the Tennessee Volunteers. I'll take the job and the phat contract if noone else will.

A.J. Burnett opted out of his contract. They say he's looking for a 4 or 5 year deal at $16 mill per. Damn, that's a lot of chedda. Lots of good pitchers are available this off-season either via trade or free agency. Should be very interesting. The short list is; Sabathia, Lowe, Burnett, Dempster, Sheets, Peavy (via trade) and K-Rod.

Starbury Watch 2008: No new news. Still inactive. It's mind bottling that a guy can show up in street clothes, watch a game from the bench and make almost $270k a night. I mean, he doesn't even have to pay for his court-side seat. It's just crazy. My guess is that he's playing in Italy next year. No one is going to want to touch him. He is cancer.

And that's pretty much all I've got.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Election Day!

Finally it is here. Let's get it over with already. I hate politics. I hate election day. You want 5 reasons I hate it? Sure:

1) Stupid Commercials: I don't even know who half these people are. Why is some lady who is running for county coroner (more on that later) saying something bad about some dude who is running for it as well?? Really? Mudslinging in the coroners race? I couldn't give a shit less who is the fucking county coroner or whether or not they have ever run a business.

2) Too much shit to vote for: How the fuck am I supposed to be an informed voter when I have to vote for over 100 things. Between federal, state and local shit I am voting for over 100 things. I have shit to do, I don't have time to become educated on this many things. I have an idea, let's just make shit like county coroner an appointed position. I'll vote for the Governor and he can just tell me who my county coroner is going to be. I have to vote for county coroner, but I don't get to vote for the Secretary of Defense? Not that I want to vote for the Sec of Defense, I'm cool with it being an appointed position, I just don't want to be bothered with the coroner vote.

3) Too long of lines: I got there this morning. Two hour wait. Fuck that, I'm voting later today. I can't show up to work past 10am and say "I was voting." If I did that I'd soon be saying "I usedtacould be employed." Fuck the long lines with a huge ass stick....oh and so what happens when I get in this line today. Some dude with a ridiculous accent starts talking to me like we are best friends. I'm cool with small talk and all that, but when you start telling me about your great aunt Weazy I gotta draw the line and just go to work instead of standing in line.

4) Politicians Suck: Seriously? This is the best our country has to offer?? This is worse than the QB situation in the NFL. I mean at least there they have 5 or so really good QBs. On a national scale I doubt there are 5 good politicians. They all are dumbasses. I can totally see how donkeys and shit get elected to be mayors of towns. I'd vote for a beagle for county coroner, put Baxter on the ticket, he'll get some votes, nobody even knows what the coroner does. Do they just come in and say "yep he's dead"? Let Baxter do it. If he chews on them, then they are dead.

5) Door to door "do-gooders": It's Monday night and you come knocking on my door to tell me how evil Obama is and how awesome McCain is? What the hell is wrong with you? I'm pretty sure my mind is already made up at that point. Coming to my door and telling me that Obama wasn't even born in the United States is not going to sway my vote. I got more important shit to worry about, like do I buy another 3 pound bag of Sour Patch Kids or do I stay away from them because I eat them like Rev eats everything. I'm pretty sure that if Obama was born in some other country that the Republicans would have said something by now. Or maybe their plan is to wait until after the election so McCain wins by default. Who knows, but on the Monday night before the election you can keep your smarmy ass home.

OK let's just hit some random shit then a movie review and call it a post:

1) I said this in comments yesterday, but it is worth saying again. Crabtree needs to learn to run with the ball closer to his body. I don't care if his hands are the size of Mr. As.'s entire upper torso. He is gonna fumble all day and night until he learns to hold that ball right.

2) The hook and ladder is a sweet play and should be run more often in the middle of games. I guess coaches think it is too risky. It is probably safer and more effective than having your third team WR throw a pass back across the field to someone, so just run the hook and ladder.

3) In the Texas Tech vs. Texas game when Tech kicked off with 1 second left what would have happened if a Texas guy fielded the ball on his knee(s)?? Would that second have ticked off the clock or would the ball have been dead right away, giving Texas a chance to run a play? I don't know. I need to know.

Movie Review: Valkyrie

This is Tom Cruise's new movie. It'll be out in like a month or so. The movie is about Val Kilmer, but they spelled the title wrong. I think people do that sometimes. Anyway, this is basically Tom Cruise ripping off John Claude Van Damme's movie and then adding a TWIST of it being about someone else.

So Tom Cruise stars as Val Kilmer and he walks around and wishes he was still nailing Elizabeth Shue in the Saint and still playing a cowboy in Tombstone. Those were the days. He even pines for the days of Willow. But I digress. So Tom is staring as Val Kilmer and he decides to test Katie Holmes. He goes to Tom Cruise's house, which is really his, but he is being Val Kilmer, so it isn't his. Anyway Katie let's him in and they do the nasty. Then Tom gets all mad because Katie cheated on him with Val Kilmer, but Katie is all like "no I didn't, I slept with Tom Cruise." and Tom is all like "no, I'm Val Kilmer, you cheating whore!" It is a very tense moment. Probably one of the top 10 tense moments in cinematic history. Maybe top 5.

Anyway, all hell breaks lose because of Katie's cheating. Tom goes on Oprah and jumps on the couch and starts shooting up the place. I guess they let him take a gun in with him. The cops catch Tom, but he pins everything on Val Kilmer. Then Tom uses some Scientology spell, yeah they have spells because I said they do, and tricks the cops. So they go after the real Val Kilmer who is filming a B movie in Utah. Val catches wind of all of this and starts out on a quest to clear his name.

I'll spare you the rest of the details because I don't want to ruin it for you, the quest is possibly the best quest ever, but I will tell you to keep an eye out for a cameo by Fred Savage.

5 out of 5 helmet stickers. Best movie I have reviewed in a long time.

Monday, November 03, 2008

We don’t cause trouble, we don’t bother nobody

What a weekend of college fooyball, huh? I’m still mind bottled that zeke won the FU/UGA bet with Beth. Beth was pretty cocky when she found out she was getting 4 TDs, too. So I’m saying that’s the bet of the year so far on LoV. If you know of a better one, say it. And WHY?????

Texas/Texas Tech was the best college fooyball game I’ve seen all year. Tech showed some huge stones to come back on the last drive of the game after blowing the huge lead. Michael Crabtree is a beast. He’s going to look great in a Lions uni next year. I would hate to be that Texas freshman DB who dropped the sure interception that would have sealed the game and a date against Penn State in the title game. I only say that because Alabamer is bound to lose a game in the S…E…C. My preseason picks of USC/FU are still in the hunt, though. And ASU still sucks. Maybe they can finish last in the Pac 10 and get the #1 pick for next year.

So rev got a new wardrobe last week. I could see rev taking cmrev to Chez Whitey’s decked out in a Phillies red zoot suit and fedora after his next pay day. He’ll look like a giant tomato with teeth. Or a young Santa. I mock because I’m jealous. Of the championship, not the Phillies zoot suit. In all seriousness…congrats again on the championship. I hope no Philly team wins again in my lifetime. WADR. I am curious, though, as to how rev got around to all the different spots of the championship parade. He was at like 3-4 different spots. 5% chance he walked everywhere. But traffic had to be way too thick to drive anywhere. And 5 Lance Armstrongs couldn’t rickshaw his ass around the city. It’s a mystery.

I didn’t really watch any NFL games on Sunday. I followed my FNFL teams and saw that the Bangles won. This is about the time of year that they win just enough games that they screw up their draft position for the next year. It always happens. Or they win enough for Marvin to keep his job. Hopefully this is the only one they win and Detroit wins a couple and Cincy can get Crabtree.

Softball update. We finally swept a doubleheader. Yay us. For me, 5 for 6 with 2 BB. In our second game we turned a 6-4-3 double play on the same guy 3 times. He was like the anti-Teej. But screw this global warming shit. It was about 90° for our first game and 85° for the 2nd game. Fuck Al Gore.

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"

"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem

"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug

"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino

"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H

"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino

"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino