Monday, September 29, 2008

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Easy comments link here





PLAYOFFS, BABY!!!

Fuck it. I was just cycling through the pictures of the clinching of the wildcard, and it got a little dusty in here.

I don't even know what to do.

Time for the Mailbag:

Drunk Kod wants to know the answer to following question:

3 people, lets call them Tem, Blue and Weasel, are on a trip and decide to stay at a hotel for the night.
The innkeeper tells them that they can have a room for $30. Tem, Blue, and Weasel all hand a $10 bill to the innkeeper.
They get up to their room, and Weasel decides to grab something from the car.
When he gets to the lobby, the innkeeper tells him that he was wrong, and the room only costs $25, and hands five $1 bills back to Weasel.
Being a Weasel, and also realizing that splitting up $5 three ways is a pain in the ass, sets aside $2 (one for Tem and one for Blue) and pockets the remaining $3.
Once he gets back to the room, Weasel tells Tem and Blue that they were overcharged and gives a $1 bill back to both Tem and Blue.
Now, for the room…Tem has paid $9, Blue has paid $9, and Weasel has paid $9 (but also has the extra two dollars he weaseled away)
9+9+9+2=29. They gave the innkeeper $30; what happened to the extra dollar?


Obviously you stole it, you money grubbing redskin lover. Give those guys their goddamn dollar.


Dear Mize,

Have you always been lazy?
If no, when did you start becoming lazy?
What is your best "lazy" story, you know you've got some good ones.

Zeke


Yes, I've been a lazy bastard for as long as I can remember. My best lazy story...hmm...I can't remember many. One time when I was working at the Country Club of Wisconsin, a bunch of the pros and members were hitting balls at me while I was hand picking the weeds on the outskirts of the practice range. I noticed that they were hitting said balls at me, looked at them, shrugged, and continued to pick golf balls out of the fescue.

Tem in OH-IO writes: If you could end the writing career of any intraweb sports writer out there, which one would it be?

Definitely El Tardo. The guy's got it made, as much as everybody likes to give him shit, he's set for life. Pretty good looking(and funny) wife, an assumingly large house, big salary, creative control over everything he does...The guy's got it made.

Tem follows up: I have an extra $75, should I buy another bed skirt, or 75 Prince Fielder bobble heads?

I'd go with the bed skirt. $75 would only get you 70 Prince Fielder bobbles.

Tyler S from Burbank bombarded me with questions this week. We'll see what I can do.
In a fight between Chuck Norris and Bill Hall, who would win, or would the universe just implode?

Norris, in a landslide created by Norris. Bill Hall doesn't have those kinds of powers. If we were talking about cooling off outfielders, I'd take Hall.

If you could gain superpowers, but it involved drinking 24oz. of Chris Mullin's sperm every day, would you do it?

What kind of superpowers are we talking about? Invisibility? Yes.

Are Tina's Burritos the nectar of the Gods, or what?

Its quite possible, although I haven't had one in a good six months. Those cheap, delicious beasts are gutbombs.

From Steve in Philly:
Dear Meiz,

I hope you can help me. I have this addiction and you're the only one I can turn to.

You see, lately I can't get enough cheese in my life. I don't know what it is. It's like I was born a rat or something. I just overdose on cheese.

My question to you is this... do you think you could hook me up with a wheel of Wisconsin's finest cheddar? How much would that run anyway? I'm figuring since you're surrounded by cheese up there, you might be able to get me some good stuff at cost.

Please help me Meiz. You're the only one who would understand.


Well Steve, I'm not so sure on the cost, but I know I could get you the best cheddar you've ever had. If you haven't been here before, we have "cheese houses" all over the place. Some of the more famous ones are located right off of the freeway, like the Mars Cheese Castle or the Brat Stop. Quality joints are abound. I'll look into it. Perhaps there is a relation to a particular PLAYOFF bet in the future.

More from Burbank:
If you could trade all of your senses in for a Brewers and a Bucks World Championship in the same year, would you do it? Just be clear, they would win, but there would be no way for you to see or hear the games. And, you couldn't see or hear or smell or taste or feel for the rest of your life.

No. Never.

Are you gonna let the elevator bring you down?

Oh, no! Let's Go! Lets go crazy!


How many hotdogs do you think Prince Fielder could eat in a hotdog eating contest? I think the time limit is 10 minutes. So, like, 329?

I doubt he could do that many. He's too far into the vegetarianism. Tofu dogs, maybe. But not real hotdogs.

Do you think the Brewers have a shot at resigning C.C.? What if they threw in a clause in the contract that they'd provide a 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffet just for him? Do you think that would seal the deal?

Up until the official Dale Sveum burnout of CC, I thought they had a shot at him. But then maybe now since everybody thinks he's dunzo I'd say its back to a real possibility. I feel like Simmons here. Fuck the buffet. Yeah, they have a shot at him. He's a fucking legend now.

Who would win in a bench-press contest, Ed Hochuli or God? Ha! Trick question! Ed Hochuli IS God!

Don't be foolish. There is no such thing as "God".


BREWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Yup, these guys have a strange obsession with me.

667 comments:

1 – 200 of 667   Newer›   Newest»
Jugdish said...

first

JFreak said...

second.

Keith S said...

M-E-S-S MESS MESS MESS

isiah thomas said...

What God thinks of Shea Stadium

please repost

hilarity

Keith S said...

I think mize misunderstood the sportswriter question

Keith S said...

What God thinks of Shea Stadium

isiah thomas said...

a ton of gay overtones to this post:

Definitely El Tardo. The guy's got it made, as much as everybody likes to give him shit, he's set for life. Pretty good looking(and funny) wife, an assumingly large house, big salary, creative control over everything he does...The guy's got it made.

If you could gain superpowers, but it involved drinking 24oz. of Chris Mullin's sperm every day, would you do it?

What kind of superpowers are we talking about? Invisibility? Yes.

isiah thomas said...

except for the gay stuff nice work deke

isiah thomas said...

What God thinks of Shea Stadium

gave myself a headache laughing at this

JFreak said...

I think the pretty good looking part was about sh, not sg.

Keith S said...

I learnt the MS Paint from watching you

Keith S said...

"I think the pretty good looking part was about sh, not sg."

I think we all think that. Zeke was just playing on the gay undertones

JFreak said...

okay, well.

okay.

isiah thomas said...

yeah I subliminally didn't read "wife" since it was deke writing.

the 24oz of daily sperm was read correctly (and gay).

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"I think mize misunderstood the sportswriter question"


I did. I misread it at least 5 times. It is what it is.

Jugdish said...

you left out the "yup, these are my readers"

Jugdish said...

but good work deke

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Fixed, Jug.

isiah thomas said...

I'm shocked that Anquan Bolden (hdh) is alive.

ns

Jugdish said...

i just saw that hit for the first time...ouch!!

Jugdish said...

I blacked out for a split second after watching it.

Jugdish said...

Another over the hill guy for the sb half time show.

Jugdish said...

good chance his tit won't pop out though...that is what the nfl is worried about.

Jugdish said...

That was a nice pass.

Jugdish said...

another nice pass

Jugdish said...

Come on Kyle. Shake your tail when you walk, you're better than that.

tem said...

good mailbag.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Chris Rock never fails me

isiah thomas said...

how was his new joint?

we peeped game on a little bit of it last night.

JFreak said...

Congrats to the winner of both LoV FMLB leagues.

JFreak said...

Edwards trying to win that race was crazy.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"how was his new joint?"


Its damn funny.

Jugdish said...

elp

JFreak said...

ep, your name is i love gollum and this is your pic.

JFreak said...

thanks to keith for the pic.

El Padrino said...

"If you could gain superpowers, but it involved drinking 24oz. of Chris Mullin's sperm every day, would you do it?

What kind of superpowers are we talking about? Invisibility? Yes."

dude the answer here should have been a no, now you'll have this "sperm drinker" label following you around

I love Gollum said...

go fuck yourself

Jugdish said...

I think that beats keef's name and pic from last week.

Jugdish said...

Is it for the week?

Beth said...

Nice mailbag Meiz. (ns)

Although EP's right about the "sperm drinker" nickname, I couldn't get rid of it til I graduated from high school and moved to a new town...
(s)

I love Gollum said...

i hope the cubs team plane crahses over a dessert in Arizona, prefereably over wherever keef's house is, as long as FMK is not in the house, i'll make sure to console her when all's said and done

Beth said...

"Congrats to the winner of both LoV FMLB leagues."

Hey, don't forget to congratulate the winner of the golf league. Yes, that'd be me... :-)

tem said...

golf league gets no theoretical $$$

tem said...

i think the fantasy league finished.

freak
blue
spiff

Beth said...

"golf league gets no theoretical $$$"

Hey, a win is a win. Don't be bitter for coming in 5th Tem...

Jugdish said...

I didn't know they made 5th place ribbons.

Beth said...

And EP, I'd actually have sympathy for you if it wasn't the Mets.

Funny though, I found myself rooting for the LOV baseball teams over the weekend (Minn and Brewers) but I still wanted the Mets to crash and burn...

tem said...

well fifth isn't that bad.

georgia would love to be in fifth right now.

Beth said...

Speaking of crashing and burning, I guess the Dawgs are not who I thought they were. (Apologies to Dennis Green for that.)

I love Gollum said...

"Funny though, I found myself rooting for the LOV baseball teams over the weekend (Minn and Brewers) but I still wanted the Mets to crash and burn..."

yeah that's funny
real fucking funny

I love Gollum said...

you owe denny green money
he owns that

NS

Beth said...

Georgia deserves to be where they are, although I don't get USC being ahead of them. At least UGA got beat by a top 10 team (although they did get slaughtered).

blue said...

:well fifth isn't that bad:

it would be better if more than 5 people actively participated.

blue said...

I was rooting for the mest

Beth said...

"yeah that's funny
real fucking funny"

Like you didn't do your share of gloating when the Braves failed in the postseason.

(Of course the obvious difference is that the Braves at least made it to the postseason...)

blue said...

:(Of course the obvious difference is that the Braves at least made it to the postseason...):

obviously

blue said...

and to the whiners who felt I was being insufferable and reverse jinxing the broncos....told you so

blue said...

i kinda forgot to set my FNFL lineups this week

I love Gollum said...

there goes the KC theory

blue said...

hahahahahahahaha

teboe

blue said...

look at it this way beth...nobody goes undefeated in the SEC, because it's the SEC. UGA got their loss out of the way early, now they can climb back up the poles, (much like beth on saturday nights)

Beth said...

Blue, that's definitely how everyone is spinning things around here. And I agree, if UGA wins out I really think they'll make it to the championship game. But if they keep playing like they did on Sat night, they'll end up with 4 losses probably.

Beth said...

Something tells me the black jerseys may be retired for at least a few years now though.

Beth said...

And is anyone else worried about TP? Between the Mets and the Gators I don't know if that old ticker can hold up under that kind of stress...

blue said...

:And is anyone else worried about TP? Between the Mets and the Gators I don't know if that old ticker can hold up under that kind of stress...:

luckily for him, bert farve is a superstar

I love Gollum said...

lineham fired

I love Gollum said...

where was mort on that

blue said...

that was on the wwl page earlier this morning

blue said...

mort would have reported that linehan got a contract extension

tem said...

i've got nothing today.

tomorrow's post is gonna suck.

tem said...

citigroup buys wachovia.

in 16 months chase will buy citigroup.

blue said...

there will be bank of america and jpmorgan chase, and that will be it...

tem said...

that's fine.

i bank with chase.

Jugdish said...

Wells Fargo is still hanging around.

I love Gollum said...

fuck the wach
they suck, i worked for them, they pay shit

and citigroup buying them is hilarious, citigroup may go out of business themself

blue said...

:Wells Fargo is still hanging around.:

until BofA buys them

tem said...

or chase.

tem said...

it'll be like in demolition man where every restaurant is taco bell.


every bank will be chase.

tem said...

bank bailouts are going on in europe too.

that should be bigger news.

it's not just us.

tem said...

i thought about not paying my mortgage this month so that the gov't would bail me out.

Jugdish said...

The wagon will not bow down to BofA.

Jugdish said...

Like in Wayne's World:

"I will not bow down to any sponser."

tem said...

then it will to Chase.

tem said...

24 oz of sperm is a lot.

can a human even produce that much per day?

Jugdish said...

they can if they live near a nuclear power plant.

blue said...

tem is assuming that chris mullin is human

Jugdish said...

You know if Deke was invisible he could drink a lot more sperm and no one would know...maybe that was behind his thinking there.

JFreak said...

"Is it for the week?"

Yes jug, I love gollum's name is for the week.

tem said...

new clear power plants increase sperm production?

Jugdish said...

well the radiation does weird things...who knows

tem said...

Kirk Cameron is starring in the #4 movie at the box office this weekend.

I think that is a bad sign.

Jugdish said...

They made Growing Pains into a movie?

They are really running out of ideas in Hollywood.

blue said...

kirk cameron is the awesomeness

JFreak said...

Isiah Thomas Tax

I love Gollum said...

va tech kid went to the nebraska game in Lincoln, said the bathrooms had diabetes devices in them, also said when the cornhuskers score everyone releases a red balloon and that is was awesome

I love Gollum said...

rip scar jo

Jugdish said...

Why is it everytime Tina Fey does a Palin impression on SNL it is a national headline? They do political impersonations all the time.

tem said...

ryan reynolds upgraded from alanis to scar jo.

big upgrade.

tem said...

because tina fey looks just like her anyway.

tem said...

also tina fey is palin.

it is a funny trick.

tem said...

HUNGRY

I love Gollum said...

leaving at 3 today
frenchies

spaceman spiff said...

fuck the cowboys

I love Gollum said...

freak i coulda paid this debt earlier, this name has nothing to do with the mets

I love Gollum said...

nice win spiff

spaceman spiff said...

tem, take my 'winnings' and buy yourself a 30 pack

Keith S said...

"i hope the cubs team plane crahses over a dessert in Arizona, prefereably over wherever keef's house is, as long as FMK is not in the house, i'll make sure to console her when all's said and done"

We have lots of desserts here. Hopefully it crashes on a dessert at Cheesecake Factory

JFreak said...

"freak i coulda paid this debt earlier, this name has nothing to do with the mets"

Do you want it to be about the mets?

That can be arranged.

Jugdish said...

sounds like weazy

Jugdish said...

pills are good! pills are GOOD!!!

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jugdish said...

Deke...have you ever seen the Brewers in the playoffs before?

Jugdish said...

I may just listen to the Jim Rome show today...I haven't done that in awhile.

Hopefully he has some good interviews.

Keith S said...

Um, duh?

Keith S said...

I know who probably won't win the NL East next year

Jugdish said...

Mets secret weapon

Keith S said...

Voltron would also watch strike 3

spaceman spiff said...

pills are good is hilarity

Jugdish said...

This was pretty funny:

Meanwhile, defending a comfortable 600-0 lead in the top of ninth, the Mets decided to rest up Carlos Voltron by moving him to the outfield and replacing him with reliever Aaron Heilman, who lost the lead and eventually the game after giving up 618 runs to close the inning.

Jugdish said...

fairly accurate too!

spaceman spiff said...

heather locklears DUI mug shot looks good for however old she is here

tested negative for alcohol, she must be tweaked out of her mind, her pupils are dilated so much theyre bigger than a normal person's eye

blue said...

wait, the mets didn't make the playoffs?

blue said...

maybe they will play the rockies, just for fun...it'll be called "the fail-offs"

spaceman spiff said...

tunderstorms here, wft

blue said...

:tem, take my 'winnings' and buy yourself a 30 pack:

theoretically, spiff doesn't want tem to know his name and address.

I love Gollum said...

"Do you want it to be about the mets?

That can be arranged."

hell no, would you pour rubbing alcohol on an open wound.

JFreak said...

The "Mets"

isiah thomas said...

SC loses to Oregon St = Pac 10 sucks (which it does)

Ole Miss beats FLA = SEC is deep!


get the fuck out of here with that shit mayne

isiah thomas said...

so, I love gollum : K-Rod for 6 years at 25 mil$ per?

I love Gollum said...

i doubt it
there will be no increase to payroll

Jugdish said...

dude

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"Deke...have you ever seen the Brewers in the playoffs before?"

Fuck no. I was an infant in '82.

Jugdish said...

Millen

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

A lot of old people apply for jobs here. And they all lie on the application. What's the point?

isiah thomas said...

Pick-Up Artist 2 starts October 12.

AWESOMENESS

tem said...

"theoretically, spiff doesn't want tem to know his name and address."

third place i'd have no problem sending it as cash to just some random address.

isiah thomas said...

dude

Deke would have loved that kind of celebration.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

The dude that gets scolded for wearing jeans to work all the time is clearly pissed that I'm wearing a Brewers jersey today.

IN DE FACE!

I love Gollum said...

Karen Crouse of the New York Times wrote a good feature on Warner in last Friday's paper, with a prescient story as the lead. Seems that Warner, wife, Brenda, and one or more of the Warner children have a practice the night before football games. They sit at their table in a restaurant, look over the dining room, and pick out one family. Warner then informs the wait staff that, anonymously, he'd like the dinner tab of that family of strangers added to his.

Crouse wrote the Warners have been doing this for several years "as a way of instilling in their children the joy of giving,'' and quoted Warner thusly: "We want our kids to grow up knowing that because of football we are so blessed.''


thats nice

Jugdish said...

"Deke would have loved that kind of celebration."


only if that cup was filled with sperm

tem said...

warner is a nice guy.

his wife is too.

JFreak said...

Mr. Met is frightened by Gollum eating him.

I love Gollum said...

better than raw garlic

Tyler said...

"And they all lie on the application. What's the point?"

You lie all the time. So they might get a job there.

Tyler said...

Avocado festival this Saturday. I'm already super excited.

Tyler said...

People keep asking me if I'm working on a certain job and then are shocked when I tell them no because noone gave me the job folder. Then they find the job folder buried on someone's desk and I have like a day to get it done. It happened last week and it just happened this morning. Awesome.

isiah thomas said...

IN DE FACE!

nice deke

Jugdish said...

Tyler is working on the Penske file.

isiah thomas said...

Avocado festival this Saturday. I'm already super excited.

where's that at, Carpinteria?

isiah thomas said...

Warner then informs the wait staff that, anonymously, he'd like the dinner tab of that family of strangers added to his.


after I get informed of this, plates of lobster and filet will flow like water to my table.

"why yes I would like Dom P, thanks for axing"

Tyler said...

Some good LoV matchups in the NLDS. Dodgers/Cubs and Breers/Phillies.

Tyler said...

"where's that at, Carpinteria?"

Yes. That's the only thing that sucks, it's like an hour away.

Tyler said...

Torii Hunter says no steroids, no home runs.

Jugdish said...

tyfast

tem said...

if you know you are supposed to work on it why don't you go find the folder?

blue said...

tyler is great at linking articles that jug already linked

tem said...

white sox lose today.

tem said...

and ones mr. as. linked too.

tem said...

or are we back to a Jug Era??

Jugdish said...

keef linked that one.

Jugdish said...

white sox lose today.




stop it.

Tyler said...

The jug era is back?

blue said...

jug era is in full zorse force

tem said...

a new Jug Era it is then.

Tyler said...

Ok, I MUST have scooped everyone on this one. Breaking news: Brett Favre traded to the Jets.

isiah thomas said...

i. I know Jets safety Eric Smith will get fined for the helmet-to-helmet hit on Anquan Boldin, and I support the league trying to make the game safer. But it's impossible for a player to avoid another player when both are in full flight trying to make a play.

is Peter King blind?

I love Gollum said...

didnt think you would actually link that one T, nice work

blue said...

did boldin die?

Tyler said...

It took me five minutes to find that link. ESPN's site is not very search friendly.

Tyler said...

According to CBS Sportsline:

"He's alert," Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt said. "He's talking and moving all his extremities. He asked to get up and the doctors won't let him."

Jugdish said...

"He's talking and moving all his extremities. He asked to get up and the doctors won't let him."


He wants to do the Rod Tidwell dance.

blue said...

a broncos player got carted off immobilized yesterday as well, some scrub WR

blue said...

Tidwell held onto the ball

blue said...

Boldin, did not

Jugdish said...

He can still do the dance.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tyler said...

I know someone already linked it up but, Springsteen at the Superbowl? Damn, Gina!

isiah thomas said...

hotdamn it was a great sports weekend.

*condolences EP

I love Gollum said...

market down 673

WHAT THE FUCK

isiah thomas said...

The Angry Lispers finally decided to show up.

isiah thomas said...

market down 673

WHAT THE FUCK

Ayala works on Wall St now?

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

I'm having delicious authentic pizza for lunch today.

isiah thomas said...

I'm having delicious authentic pizza for lunch today.

they brought back Brooklyn Style pizza huh?

I love Gollum said...

back to 405
phew

I love Gollum said...

deke cut it out

I love Gollum said...

spiff the chicken thing @ mickey d's breakfast is good

i like

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

about 7 minutes until fantastic Pizza Hut

Keith S said...

On this day in 1991...

The United States won the Ryder Cup for the first time in six years when Bernhard Langer missed a crucial, deciding putt.

A young mize then drank an Ecto Cooler out of Ryder's cup

I love Gollum said...

[206 YEA; 227 NAY]... Developing...

rut ro......

blue said...

pizza hut made the pasta



clap clap clap clap clap

isiah thomas said...

what fuck the is the house doing?

pass that shit mayne

JFreak said...

view from a dragster

Jugdish said...

rain delay...dammit

Jugdish said...

no...don't pass it!

isiah thomas said...

wow

isiah thomas said...

no...don't pass it!

is this S or NS?

Keith S said...

It's "jersey day" here, and I really should have brought my camera. So far I've seen a Ced Benson Bears jersey and a Keyshawn Johnson Bucs jersey

Jugdish said...

ns

isiah thomas said...

now there's a motion to suspend the rules and pass

our gubment is broke

Jugdish said...

old

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"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





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"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





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"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino