Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Some dude who played for the Jags got shot up a bunch awhile back and now is paralyzed and had a leg amputated. Why wasn't this a bigger story when it happened? Did the family do that good of a job hiding it? I don't know how you hide something like that from the media. Totally sucks for him. Hopefully he does the best he can with what he has now.
Economic Stimulus News: Go look at CNN. They update it by the minute.
Random Side Note: Why can't people drive in garages? I followed another lady into the garage and she clearly had never been in one before. She was thouroughly confused by the left turns and had to inspect every spot to see if the sign said she could park there....Here's a tip, if there is a sign you probably can't park there. Really if there is a sign you might get 2hrs of parking there or something. Park in one of the spaces with no sign. And don't go 1mph the whole way up to the fourth floor.
Pirates hijacking a huge ship of tanks and guns and stuff is awesome. Pirates are the best. Unless they are a baseball team. Then they are not.
I'm too tired to write a movie review.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Fuck it. I was just cycling through the pictures of the clinching of the wildcard, and it got a little dusty in here.
I don't even know what to do.
Time for the Mailbag:
Drunk Kod wants to know the answer to following question:
3 people, lets call them Tem, Blue and Weasel, are on a trip and decide to stay at a hotel for the night.
The innkeeper tells them that they can have a room for $30. Tem, Blue, and Weasel all hand a $10 bill to the innkeeper.
They get up to their room, and Weasel decides to grab something from the car.
When he gets to the lobby, the innkeeper tells him that he was wrong, and the room only costs $25, and hands five $1 bills back to Weasel.
Being a Weasel, and also realizing that splitting up $5 three ways is a pain in the ass, sets aside $2 (one for Tem and one for Blue) and pockets the remaining $3.
Once he gets back to the room, Weasel tells Tem and Blue that they were overcharged and gives a $1 bill back to both Tem and Blue.
Now, for the room…Tem has paid $9, Blue has paid $9, and Weasel has paid $9 (but also has the extra two dollars he weaseled away)
9+9+9+2=29. They gave the innkeeper $30; what happened to the extra dollar?
Obviously you stole it, you money grubbing redskin lover. Give those guys their goddamn dollar.
Have you always been lazy?
If no, when did you start becoming lazy?
What is your best "lazy" story, you know you've got some good ones.
Yes, I've been a lazy bastard for as long as I can remember. My best lazy story...hmm...I can't remember many. One time when I was working at the Country Club of Wisconsin, a bunch of the pros and members were hitting balls at me while I was hand picking the weeds on the outskirts of the practice range. I noticed that they were hitting said balls at me, looked at them, shrugged, and continued to pick golf balls out of the fescue.
Tem in OH-IO writes: If you could end the writing career of any intraweb sports writer out there, which one would it be?
Definitely El Tardo. The guy's got it made, as much as everybody likes to give him shit, he's set for life. Pretty good looking(and funny) wife, an assumingly large house, big salary, creative control over everything he does...The guy's got it made.
Tem follows up: I have an extra $75, should I buy another bed skirt, or 75 Prince Fielder bobble heads?
I'd go with the bed skirt. $75 would only get you 70 Prince Fielder bobbles.
Tyler S from Burbank bombarded me with questions this week. We'll see what I can do.
In a fight between Chuck Norris and Bill Hall, who would win, or would the universe just implode?
Norris, in a landslide created by Norris. Bill Hall doesn't have those kinds of powers. If we were talking about cooling off outfielders, I'd take Hall.
If you could gain superpowers, but it involved drinking 24oz. of Chris Mullin's sperm every day, would you do it?
What kind of superpowers are we talking about? Invisibility? Yes.
Are Tina's Burritos the nectar of the Gods, or what?
Its quite possible, although I haven't had one in a good six months. Those cheap, delicious beasts are gutbombs.
From Steve in Philly:
I hope you can help me. I have this addiction and you're the only one I can turn to.
You see, lately I can't get enough cheese in my life. I don't know what it is. It's like I was born a rat or something. I just overdose on cheese.
My question to you is this... do you think you could hook me up with a wheel of Wisconsin's finest cheddar? How much would that run anyway? I'm figuring since you're surrounded by cheese up there, you might be able to get me some good stuff at cost.
Please help me Meiz. You're the only one who would understand.
Well Steve, I'm not so sure on the cost, but I know I could get you the best cheddar you've ever had. If you haven't been here before, we have "cheese houses" all over the place. Some of the more famous ones are located right off of the freeway, like the Mars Cheese Castle or the Brat Stop. Quality joints are abound. I'll look into it. Perhaps there is a relation to a particular PLAYOFF bet in the future.
More from Burbank:
If you could trade all of your senses in for a Brewers and a Bucks World Championship in the same year, would you do it? Just be clear, they would win, but there would be no way for you to see or hear the games. And, you couldn't see or hear or smell or taste or feel for the rest of your life.
Are you gonna let the elevator bring you down?
Oh, no! Let's Go! Lets go crazy!
How many hotdogs do you think Prince Fielder could eat in a hotdog eating contest? I think the time limit is 10 minutes. So, like, 329?
I doubt he could do that many. He's too far into the vegetarianism. Tofu dogs, maybe. But not real hotdogs.
Do you think the Brewers have a shot at resigning C.C.? What if they threw in a clause in the contract that they'd provide a 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffet just for him? Do you think that would seal the deal?
Up until the official Dale Sveum burnout of CC, I thought they had a shot at him. But then maybe now since everybody thinks he's dunzo I'd say its back to a real possibility. I feel like Simmons here. Fuck the buffet. Yeah, they have a shot at him. He's a fucking legend now.
Who would win in a bench-press contest, Ed Hochuli or God? Ha! Trick question! Ed Hochuli IS God!
Don't be foolish. There is no such thing as "God".
Yup, these guys have a strange obsession with me.
Friday, September 26, 2008
USC mother den has to wash the sheets this morning. USC shit the bed. Again. Makes Georgia's game vs Alabama that much more important. Gotta love Beavers.
Shitty slate of games in the Pros this week. An NFC East game with a bunch of toss-up games. Vikes/Titans, toss-up. Cincy/Clev, toss-up. Battle of the Bay's, toss-up. Jets/Zona, toss-up. Toss-ups are a bettors worst nightmare. Hard to gauge wager amounts. Let's get to it.
Where I'm At
Cash Figure : $207.50
Picks : 11-8
College first, some better opps.
North Carolina +7.5 over Da U
NC 7-3 ATS vs a ACC team with a winning record. Conference play in college is nice to wager on because normally both teams knock the snot out of each other so more times than not you side with the points. Butch Davis has a decent program running over in Chapel Hill too. Not bad. Maybe they win outright.
(Straight Bet : $100)
Mississippi State +24 over LSU
I like getting 24 points. Even if I only scored 2 against Auburn. I'm comfortable. Sylvester Croom, keep it close. Daddy wants a new Luis Ayala Jersey.
(Straight Bet : $100)
NC State +9 over South Florida
Like what you saw from the young QB Tom O'Brien has. Got some gumption. Nice home crowd, Big East team, I like NC State's chances here. 9 points seem like a steal.
(Straight Bet : $100)
Alabama +6.5 over Georgia
Don't really feel like Georgia has hit their stride yet. Alabama getting them at the right time?Maybe they are waiting for SEC play but Alabama looks like a team that can really give them some problems. Bama's o-line is outstanding, they have a nice back in Coffee. They've pretty much crushed everyone except for a sloppy win vs Tulane. I also recall a great game played last year in Tuscaloosa...think Bama lost by 2. I imagine Saban will be bringing that game up, motivational tool if you will. I think we are in for a great game.
(Straight Bet : $150)
Denver -10 over KC
Just on principle I will wager against KC until they cover. First week notwithstanding.
(Straight Bet : $75)
Jax -7.5 over Houston
Jax should flatten them at home. I'm talking like 38-10. I really like this. Might be a Mike Lowry special.
(Straight Bet : $250)
Philly -3 over Da Bearz
I like making money on the nightcap. Makes me sleep better. Especially if I'm down at that point. I'll probably be reckless throughout the day knowing I have a blue plate special waiting for me later that night. Chicago is a tough place to play, no doubt, but the Iggles are head and shoulders above the Bears. At least in my eyes. Besides Washington it seems as if any of the NFC East teams can come into Chicago and beat em. Didn't know what to make of the loss against Tampa. Maybe that swayed me. But Brian Griese shouldn't be winning football games against your vaunted defense with the game on the line.
(Straight Bet : $200)
Unrelated I will most likely be in AC Sunday. Plans include watching the games, gambling furiously and drinking beer. Next week I'll start showing you guys how to bet 1st and 2nd halfs. Maybe even quarters.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I'm not sure why, but CC seems willing to make his arm explode for the Brewers. He should shut it down and cash in. Whoever signs him to the humongous deal that is certain to come should be worried. That dude is gonna get pa-id.
Most Likely to Choke: I'm 2-1 so far, I'm assuming due to pure luck. This week I will very shakily pick Maryland to win over #20 Clemson. Not any specific reason, but Maryland has won 2 of it's last 3 at Clemson. Plus, the terrapins are getting almost 200 yards a game on the ground. That generally bodes well.
I know Tyler mentioned this yesterday, but it just feels good that the Yankees aren't in the postseason. I spit on yankee stadium.
Jeff Fisher says VY will return from injury as the backup. Bad move for me as a Colts fan. Collins is a better QB. Yeah, Young is threatening when a play breaks down, but I would never count on him to complete a pass.
Yahoo is awful. Nice job performing site matienence in the middle of the playoff's last week.
The only good thing happening in Shea Stadium
This is why you wear a cup, Meiz.
Giant lego boulder
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
It's the perfect song if you're at an arcade in the San Fernando Valley (aka: the SFV) and you're trying to figure out why your girlfriend is mad at you after you've been a dick to her for a few weeks because you think she kissed another guy, but then one of her friends explains what actually happened, and then you feel like an idiot and go outside to apologize to her and after you make up you let her drive the old convertible your wise Sensi from Okinawa just gave you for your birthday. So there you go.
The Yankees playoff run has ended.
SIKE! Screw the Yankees and all of their fans. I just wish that ESPN would SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT IT. We get it, the last time they missed the playoffs, it was 1993 and gas was $1.05 a gallon. Please die.
Shareef Abdur-Rahim retired. He has a knee. Well, at least he
Memo to Buck Showalter: stop using Kruck's hairstylist, cut the mullet off, and really give some thought to ditching the comb-over. Seriously, it's the 21st century. Thank-you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.
Kiffinwatch 2008 - still the Raiders head coach. Check back later. Maybe Al Davis will make up his mind sometime this year.
I wish it was Monday so I could be reading the mailbag post already.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Now, condolences to the Packer dude who tore his spleen. That has to hurt. This is 2 years in a row the NFL has spleen injuries. I don't recall it ever happening before. Maybe they need some spleen protectors.
More NFL stuff, on Kiffin getting fired: If you write it often enough eventually you will get it right. So, sources have confirmed that Al Davis will fire Lane Kiffin next Monday. He will do it via telegram and the telegram will read "stay home for awhile. stop. loser. stop."
Buckeyes Update: Now that Pryor is in the common feeling among Buckeye fans is that they are a shoo in for the Rose Bowl. They will beat Wisc and PSU with ease. Buckeye fans are rather funny. I'm not sure a different QB cures all their problems. Especially the problem with their only running back being made of tissue paper.
I'm tired of radio stations stopping the music to tell me that they never stop the music. One station here in town takes it to another level. They make fun of their competitor by telling me that all the competitor does is talk and that they are better than their competitor because all that they do is play music. Then they tell me "so here is another 10 songs non-stop." Then after the first song they stop the music to tell me I am in the middle of a 10 in a row on the station that never stops the music.
NFL OT was still pretty exciting. 2 games went there and I was watching them both. Until the BW3s changed the Bucs game to the 49ers game. I threw a temtrum and they changed it back. That put a smile on the faces of the Bull Dykes sitting next to me. They were all about the OT. In any case, OT is OT and it is fun. I might like the college system better, but the NFL's OT system isn't absolute shit.
I bet Deke does actually do his mailbag next week. It will be the post of the year. If it were posted on Sparty and Friends.
Bah, not only is the US Mint not getting rid of the penny it is redesigning it. Pennies are freaking useless. We just need to melt them all down and build a giant statue out of the metal. Or maybe build spleen protectors.
Enough with the crap on to the movie review:
This is some new release that is coming out. It is another sports themed movie. This one is based on the 2007-2008 New England Patriots. I guess it is a documentary of sorts, but Steve Sabol is not the voice nor is Morgan Freeman, so right there it loses major points. If you make a documentary and choose anyone else other than those 2 guys you better have a good reason. They don't. In fact let's say Chris Berman is the narrator. There is a reason they don't let him talk for more than 2 minutes at a time on TV. Anyway, so the movie documents the Pats' storied season all the way through to their choke job in the Super Bowl. The camera work is good and the sports scenes are realistic. The best part of course is the end where the Pats choke. Most of the documentary is a favorable look behind the scenes at Pats' practices and stuff. I think most of it is fake though, or at least from other years, lots of times the weather just up and changes and sometimes the coach is Parcells and not Bellicheat. I think they really did a poor job with editing those parts.
1 helmet sticker out of 5. Not enough crying Pats fans.
Monday, September 22, 2008
I will never ever go to another concert at the Bradley Center again. Worst venue ever. No room to move. No room to sit. Nonna that.
The Festivus was pretty good this weekend. It struck me as rather subdued compared to years past. The quality of female on Sunday was greater than that of Saturday. Was that HDH? I don't know at this point. There was a giant pumpkin boat race. It was a failure.
I'm barely hanging on here. Getting punchy from the sun, the booze, and the ungodly close quarters at the concert. If Alba walked up to me & offered to slide that sweet vag on my business, I'm not sure I could do it.
A couple of pics is all I have left in the tank at this point.
And now I'm done and going to bed. I'm not sorry for letting you clowns down this time. Just keep in mind whether or not you're on the Kill or Don Not Kill list.
Friday, September 19, 2008
My picks, I'll get to the synopsis later. Or when I get a chance. I've been here since 6:30 am.
Where I'm At.
Cash Figure: $332.50
Auburn +2.5 over LSU
Real hard to beat Auburn in thier own house. Especially when they sport that defense. LSU hasn't done it in like 10 years. With Darry Beckwith out Auburn may be able to run the ball up the gut a bit more effectively than LSU. This is going to be an absolute dogfight and in this series the home team has won the last eight match-ups. (Straight Bet : $150)
Falcons -5.5 over Cheifs
Big number to give for a team I thought was going to be around 4-12. But the combo of a weak secondary, Matt Ryan's arm, Roddy White's speed and Michael Turner's power should result in a easy home win. (Straight Bet : $200)
Bills - 9 over Raiders
If you don't believe in the Bills yet maybe a 35-3 thrashing of the Raiders will help. I don't know what else to say. I think I plugged them for a shot to steal this AFC East division. They run, they pass protect, they play great special teams. West Coast teams LOATHE a 1pm EST start. (Straight Bet : $150)
Saints +5.5 over Broncos
I like the points from 21 Jump Street. They appeal to me for some reason. Maybe it's Denver is not going to hang 40 on people every week. Maybe it's because they lose by 7 if Ed Hochuli wasn't alive. And maybe some trends have reared thier ugly head. Like this one, Bronco's are 0-6 as a favorite the week after scoring at least 4 TD's. Also in 2007 and 2006 Denver was 5-11 ATS when favored by more than 3. (Straight Bet : $50)
Rams +10.5 over Seahawks
Both teams are 0-2. Seattle just picked up two WR's off the street. They have no business giving double digits. None. (Straight Bet : $100)
Skins - 3 over Cards
Cards don't travel well. No matter the coach, the players or whatever else you want to point to that indicates a change in the culture of the Cardinals. It doesn't matter. They'll run out of energy at some point and then Clinton Portis will take the game over. A 3-0 Arizona Cardinal team would absolutely stun me. (Straight Bet : $50)
Moneyline Parlay Bet ($25 to win $250)
Detroit over S.F.
Browns over Ravens
Auburn over LSU
No points, teams must win outright. I also like the Bears over Bucs. Put something measly on it. Like $25 or something. Carolina/Viking game is the coin flip game of the week. No clue wins that game but Steve "Tyson" Smiff is back. I have a feeling the Texans are going to win too. Just a hunch. Keef talk me out of taking the points Sat. night.
As. I'll take a one day name change for Gints/Bengals. Take the 14 points. I'll lay them like I lay beautiful women. Sunday is the last game in Yankee Stadium. Hate them or love them it's a big moment in baseball. At least I think so. And I hate the Yankees. With dirty passion.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
What happened to the Indiana Firebirds? I went to a few of their games. I'm guessing they folded or moved, but I have no clue why.
MLTC: Another terrible week for picking upsets. Or maybe I'm just terrible at this. Hmm, let's go with Oregon. Oregon are down to like their 4th string QB, and Boise State still has the dude that proposed. Seems like a good enough reason.
Adam from Mythbusters, drunk on a treadmill.
That's all you're getting.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
So, the NFL is going to "mark down" Ed Hochuli because of his botched call. I'm calling bullshit, because this is probably going to result in the first Hochuli-less playoff run in recent memory. The NFL just doesn't get it. There's only one referee that has name recognition and his name is EDWARD G. HOCHULI. Goodell, do the right thing here.
I exhausted the internets trying to find out Hochuli's middle name and I couldn't find it. Honestly, I was expecting it to be "Vincent" or "Francais" and I was kind of shocked that it starts with a G. If you were wondering what Ed's day job is, well, here you go. FYI, there is an email address listed there.
So, that f'd up football league I'm in: I played the commish this last week. I was up by a point or two going into the last game and I had Westbrook, he had Felix Jones. so I shouldn't have been worried, right? Well, Jones ran a kickoff back for a TD and dooshbag had the bonuses turned on return yards, so Jones had 26.67 points because he had 247 return yards and a TD. He was three yards away from another 10 yard bonus. The score was 153.65 to 153.64 in my favor before that last hook-and-ladder play that Westbrook was on the end of. The final score was 156.16 to 153.64. DeSean Jackson's blunder won it for me because if he hadn't have thrown the ball away, Westbrook wouldn't have scored. I really don't care what happens for the rest of the year in that league, that win made up for all of the B.S. that's gone on.
I think I've talked about this before, but do we really need fifteen variations of the name Shawn? Now it's starting to affect the name DeShawn. DeSean Jackson; DeShawn Wynn. What the hell? We really need a ruling on this one before someone names their kid DeChone. Seriously, we need to think about passing a constitutional amendment to solve the problem, because It's now officially a pandemic.
L.A. has the best train crashes: turns out a dude that survived the Glendale train crash from a couple of years ago was in the Chatsworth one a couple of days ago. He survived both crashes. What are the odds that you find yourself in not one but two train crashes? And surviving? I gotta think that's like being struck by lightening 100 separate times. That's just crazy.
I had a jetpack dream a couple of nights ago. I was flying around. Saving people. Solving crimes. It was pretty rad.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
So on to recent sports thoughts from tem. As mentioned above I was not around yesterday (or this weekend really) so some of this might be cumfastery. Too bad.
1) Big Z's no hitter: Why does the catcher catch strike three and then rifle the ball down to third base? Did he forget how many outs there were? Did the third baseman catch the ball? Was he expecting it? Do the Cubs usually throw the ball around after the third out of the inning??
2) The Bengals are terrible. Their play calling is ridiculous. Lewis will gone after this season. I think the whole Chris Henry signing made him throw in the towel.
3) Buckeye fans have turned on Todd Boeckman. Pryor will be the starting QB within 3 weeks. Probably 2.
4) EA's nose is just too big. If she is gonna get her boobs done why not get that nose done?
5) When the fuck do new TV shows start? They all seem to start in different weeks? New Terminator shows are on, but new Two and a Half Men aren't? What gives?? I thought this shit was all supposed to start the same week. Isn't that how it used to be? I liked it better the old way.
6) Company softball is at 9:20 and 10:10 tonight. I will be drunk for sure. It'll be awesome. I'm pretty sure I've decided that I only really like 1 or 2 people on the team. It turns out I work with a bunch of jerks.
7) Either that or I am a jerk. Either way, I don't like the other players too much.
8) HDH stuff. Clothes is now cloths. I have gotten at least 5 emails where some fool has mispelled clothes.
Miracle at St. Anna
This movie is another Christmas movie. It is basically Miracle on 34th Street remade by Spike Lee. So basically it is black Miracle on 34th Street. Basically some crazy black man thinks he is Kwanzaa Claus. He gets into all sorts of situations and such and it is kind of depressing, but he really believes he is Kwanzaa Claus (KC). He even has some sort of statue or something to prove it. All of this gets him into some deep trouble with Johnny Lawman. Anyway, some young lawyer decides that he is gonna defend KC. He knows KC and he knows that KC is a good man even if he did a bad thing. This movie is in the deep south so this young lawyer (who is white) defending KC gets the KKK all up in arms.
So there are threats to the young lawyer's family and his super hot wife has to leave town, but he doesn't back down and he insists on defending KC. He gives it everything he has and with the help of his assistant is able to start to convince the predominantly white jury that KC should be let off the hook because he was temporarily insane. Of course KC wasn't insane and isn't insane now, but that's the best defense young lawyer has. Anyway, the trial goes on and it is only at the closing statements that the young lawyer seals the deal. His passionate speech which ends "Now imagine she is white" sways the jury and the jury finds KC not guilty.
All is well and the young lawyer and KC have a BBQ.
4 out of 5 helmet stickers.
Monday, September 15, 2008
The Badgers sure looked like shit against Fresno. I'm not surprised.
From Deadspin's Hugh Jonson Project III on 9/13/08:
Instead of Lloyd Carr's rushes up the middle for no gain, we now have the Rich Rodriguez screen pass for no gain. –AsInHowe
I found that funny.
So one of the groomsmen's gf lost her mind on Saturday. She decided to be anti-social for the day, and while we were doing our wedding party shit, she got shit-faced. Cut off by the bar before dinner, said some horrid things, fell down, and called the bf a "fucking N1&&3R". Class all the way. Hilarity, also. Too bad.
I puked a little at the bar on Friday. Just a smidge, right in the toilet. I was in control. The cowboy bar was butter. $2.50 Jager bombs all day, every day. Me & The Rock are in love with one of the bartenders.
So far, I ♥ Google Chrome.
Chad Ocho Cinco is a lunatic.
I suggest watching the Drunk History videos on FunnyOrDie.com.
Okay, I'm done.
Friday, September 12, 2008
CASH: ($175) PICKS: 3-4
Lost $175 in the opening week thanks in large part to Detroit.
Pick record was 3-4.
OSU +11 over USC
Because 11 points is just too much. Even without Beanie Wells OSU has a very good defense. Matt Sanchez looked rusty to me, despite hanging 52 on Virginia. There were some throws there that OSU wont miss, throws that a weak ACC team would and did. We'll see how good of a #1 team USC really is. USC 24, OSU 17
(Straight Bet $100)
Colts -2 over Vikings
Home opener or not the Colts dont just lose 2 straight September games. Gimme the Colts in this spot all day long. I worry about the run defense but the Colts can hang points on people and I expect them to score close to 30 this week. Peyton worked the rust off against the opportunistic Bear team and should be fine.
(Straight Bet $150)
Green Bay -3 over Detroit
It's hard not to like the Pack here. Impressive all around team effort on Monday night in defeating the Vikings. Detroit, has i've complained, laid an egg in Atlanta that still reeks of shit. If Pack win they'd already be two up on Minny. Bears have a tough game on the road against Carolina. And I don't expect them to be in the mix this year anyway. Pack get a big win here. I want to call this the :"Put it in the box with Mike Lowery's mama's titties and the word flaccid lock of the week" pick.
(Straight Bet $250)
Lines that scare me.....
Philly getting 7.5 as it is right now on Monday night, Philly is good again. Remember when they were shitty last year they beat Dallas in Dallas on Monday night with Jessica in the booth wearing that silly pink Homo jersey. Silly line.
Do not take New Orleans. Spiff was on to something the other day. When everyone's money is heavy on one team, ride the other. Wash is a nice sleeper pick this week. I still dont trust Zorn but at some point their talent has to outplay thier idiot coach.
San Fran getting almost 8 (+7.5). I think they have a shot to win. Seattle is really in some big trouble with injuries. I think they are dressing Tim Hasselback and his wife Elizabeth as WR's this week. No really big bro Matt has no one to throw the ball to. Matter of fact make this one of my picks. Gimme San Fran +7.5 over Seattle. They'll have no answer for Gore and the defense of SF is underated. Patrick Willis is a beast.
(Straight Bet $100, also throw $25 on them to win outright. They are +230 for every $100 so that little $25 brings back $57.50, a little more than double. If your a small time gambler and want action $25 aint much.).
Let me give you guys one more play, let's try one of those Teasers. 3 teams, add 10 points to any spread, any team.
Bus +3 because they will win, with or without the Garcia.
Colts +8.5 because even if Minny wins it wont be by more than 3.
Philly +17 on Monday night is cash
(3 team Teaser: $150)
Good luck and Good night Houston.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
So I have to admit, I’m pleasantly surprised with the Atlanta media. I was pretty sure that after the Falcons win (sorry EP) they were going to go on and on about how they’re going to shock the world with a decent season and all that. Instead the local media actually seems to have shown some surprising restraint. The way I feel about the season is that anything over 4 wins is a decent season, so it’s nice to get win # 1 out of the way already. Now if only I can find out where Matt Ryan goes drinking after practice, the phrase “cumbucket” may come back into play…
Of course the reason the media may be laying low on the Falcons is that they can’t get enough of the Bulldogs. Now I’m a pretty big Dawg fan but it’s still WAAAAAAYYYYYY early and they haven’t played anyone yet. This weekend might be telling as they’re playing a decent team (it’s the SEC!!!!!!) but not a really good one. But the Dawgs normally struggle with Spurrier no matter who he’s coaching, and I think only once in the last five years has it not been either a loss or a close game. Last year was a loss and Stafford had a TERRIBLE game so I know he’s looking for redemption. So a good solid win with no drama will go a long way in my eyes.
But the anointing of the Dawgs and Richt just seems premature to me. Earlier this week a columnist for the AJC stated that Moreno is already a “legend”. Give me a break! He’s had some very good games and has amazing potential, but he’s nowhere near a legend yet. And the legend column was mostly based on a play from the Dawgs last game where he hurdled a Central Michigan player. In fact the paper was kinda bitching that that play didn’t get more national publicity. Here’s a link to it. I’m curious though, did any of y’all see this before I posted the link?
I can’t remember if this has been mentioned on LOV but some people are making a pretty big deal out of Phelps being at the Playboy Club in Vegas and semi-groping some of the women working there. Gee, he’s a HUGE celebrity, he’s insanely wealthy and famous, he’s 23 and he just got finished with training ridiculously hard for a very long time. I think he deserves to blow off some steam. And it’s not like he’s groping some girl against her will in the corner of a dark bar – these are Playboy bunnies for god’s sake. So anyone bitching about it needs to get over it. (End of Bethrant.)
I think this is my 3rd time doing a guest post and each time I am very thankful I don’t have to do this every week. It’s not easy! (Although it is reassuring to know that I only have to reach a D- standard.) But if I was doing this every week I have to say I still wouldn’t resort to a post of mostly videos (hint hint).
OK, I’m done. Let’s all just bide our time 'til we can hear endless stories about the old guy in Zeke’s office. The stories are just so different each day - I can’t get enough of them!!!! (S)
(NBL Zeke, NBL.)
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Iam has officially informed me to take over Wednesdays because he is busy becoming a country/rock star. There will be an occasional post from the man, the myth, the legend, and hopefully he will be back in a few months to claim what is rightfully his, but in the meantime, you're stuck with me. In an attempt to compete with Mize, Tem, and Freak, I've developed a gimmick. I will post videos of horrible songs from terrible movies from the 80's. The above video link was from my favorite scene in Boogie Nights, but "The Touch" was originally performed by Stan Bush in the Transformers movie. I couldn't find the original video from the Transformers movie, but if you're doubting that this was actually a terrible song from the 80's, here's a video with the original song, cut with video from the Transformers live action movie. Enjoy. It is Teh Awesomeness™.
Now onto sports.
So, last time I posted, I wrote about how Dodger fans were saying that Joe Torre should be fired. I guess an eight game winning streak which resulted in a game and a half lead in the NL West has changed everyone's mind, because now everyone is saying that Torre is the greatest manager EVAR!1!1! I hate people.
If you haven't heard, Tom Brady is out with an ACL. As I reported yesterday, team sources have gone on record to say that Larry Bird will be donating one of his magic ACLs to Tom later this week. There are also rumors of a mustache graft which will speed up his recovery time, so he might be back in time for week eight against St. Louis. Boston fans: Praise Allah.
Retarded League Update: So, in addition to all of the screwed up things that have happened so far, the commish also turned on the yard bonuses for rushing, receiving and passing. Michael Turner scored 62.63 points. McNabb: 41.74 points. Willie Parker: 38.30 points. In week one. It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. I will be so glad 15 weeks from now when I never have to deal with that fool again.
I don't follow golf at all, but apparently, Tiger Woods is really bored.
In other baseball news: Doctors finally invent a disease to explain why Rocco Baldelli sucks. It kind of doesn't really even matter, because the Rays are tanking anyway.
If someone posted those links already, technically I am not committing cumfastery by posting them today because I wrote this post yesterday. So the reality is, whoever posted them yesterday was pulling a cumfast. It's science. Einstein proved it before he died. It has something to do with time travel. And Math.
I find it funny that Yahoo Sports changed Chad Johnson's name to Chad Ocho Cinco after he announced he changed his name, but then changed it back to Chad Johnson after the league is refusing to recognize the name change. Their news and notes still list him as Chad Ocho Cinco, so you get gems like, "The Associated Press reports Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ocho Cinco caught one pass for 22 yards Week 1". I love the fact that Chad Johnson can make the entire AP look like morons just by changing his name. Chad Ocho Cinco is the greatest.
NBA Update: Donnie Walsh apparently isn't in that big of a hurry to move team killing power forward Zach Randolph. The Grizz have had an offer on the table for two weeks and do not have any plans to pull it. Darko Milicic and Marko Jaric for Zach Randolph. So, either way, Knicks are screwed. That's a lose-lose proposition. Sorry, El P, but it looks like it's going to take at least 10 years for the Knicks to get out of the lottery. DanTony continually stamping his foot and yelling at Darko (who wouldn't understand a word DanTony was saying) to run the floor after he makes the outlet pass would be pretty entertaining. Ok, El P, here's something to make you feel better though; at least the Knicks didn't sign Kwame Brown. Detroit did however; two-years, $8 million. I've said this before but, I really need to get me one of them NBA contracts...
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
I wonder if I complain about this kind of crap in real life. I don't think I do. I think for the most part in real life I bite my tongue and don't say anything. But deep down inside I do just want to break a bitches shin bone or hit someone with the bat. I wonder if suppressing all these bad thoughts will work forever? I doubt. One day I am going to snap and it is going to make Cho look like Rainbow Brite.
Well now that I got that out of my system let's talk some college football. Yep, WVU sucks at defense, but what the frack happened on offense??? I don't know. ECU is pretty good, but WVU put 40 something up on Okla recently and couldn't find the end zone at ECU. I don't want to blame the coach, but damn. I'd talk more about what I saw this weekend in college games, but I don't want to.
Except for this part. For the rest of the season, if I remember, I will tell everyone what the loony ass Buckeye fans are saying about their upcoming game. They play at USC this weekend, everyone should know that. Buckeye fans all know it. They are all preparing for the worst. They constantly ask what the spread is and when told it is 10.5 they say "that's about what I thought." The fans have basically mailed this game in. I haven't heard one fan actually say they are going to beat USC. Every one of them has said that keeping it close is as good as a win. You hear "if we keep it close and run the table we might get in the BCS title game again, USC always chokes against some team like Stanford late in the season." So what does all this mean???? Well the last time the Buckeye fans were this down on their chances in a game they beat Miami to win a title. So I'm saying they shock us all again and beat USC 23-21. That's how it works for Buckeye fans, when they think they are gonna win (see Florida, LSU) they get blown out. Anyway, yeah, OSU beats USC 23-21.
Random side note: 37 year old recent divorcee just walked by. She has new fake boobs and is clearly a whore. I don't want anything to do with it though. She seems like some sort of poison. One of those sirens from Greek times. If you start to hit on her you're gonna get hit with a harrassment suit and have your balls ripped off. Or something equally bad.
Pro football time. Bengals looked horrid. I feel worse for the dudes who picked Carson Palmer in the second or third round of their fantasy drafts than I do for the people who picked Brady in the first. At least with Brady you know you are going to get 0 points from here on out. With Carson he is going to mess with your head all year. He'll throw for 350 one week then follow it up with three 99 yard performances. It's time to sell Carson and see if you can get any kind of value for him. (Note: tem is horrible at fantasy because everytime he does something like this the guy he trades blows up and does awesome, so keep Carson.) I don't think Atlanta will have near the success they did in week one again. They might not be a sucktastic as I thought they'd be, but they aren't a top shelf team. No how, no way.
Screw it, this is taking too long and people keep wanting me to do work. Movie review time:
Burn After Reading
This is the new Coen brother movie so it will either be good or it will suck. I don't think they have an inbetween. George Clooney is in it because he is in all of their stuff. Since George is in it, Brad Pitt will be in it because they are clearly gay lovers. So it is George and Brad, no doubt they are playing character that are either so dumb and goofy it isn't really funny or they are playing guys who are almost normal, but have hilarious flaws. Let's say George is the almost normal one and Brad is the douche. Also there is some love interest for George or Brad that is clearly three levels below them.
So the plot is this: someone finds a note that says "burn after reading" but they can't read. This is probably Brad. So he doesn't burn it, because he is illiterate. So he takes it to George and he reads it. Then he can't find a match. So he takes it to the not so hot girl, but sometimes she looks hot if the angle is right. She has a match because she is smoker. Together they burn the note. Then some wacky Dr. Evil type dude gets all up in arms because the note got burnt. But really, what'd he expect would happen?? He probably wanted it burnt, just so he could get pissed about it and hunt down the arsonists. Anyway, that's what he does. And he kills Brad, George and almost nice looking chick.
3 out of 5 helmet stickers.
Monday, September 08, 2008
I didn't get to watch much football due to my going to the Brewers massacre.
Tom Brady is dunzo for the year. Bummer for the Pats.
I have the worst material. I can't come up with stuff to type off the cuff. Someone needs to give me an assignment every week. I feel bad for posting trash every Monday. You all deserve better.
I guess I'll see if Tha Carter III helps me.
According to Madden, Freeney is the best spinning pass rusher in the NFL. Thanks for that gem, John.
Fuck this. I've had a bunch of trouble with youtube.
Friday, September 05, 2008
Beginner's luck hooked me at first but when that wore off (and it did rather quickly) I became a student of the game. Stats, home/away records, coaches, ref's, weather reports, ATS records, and last but not least giant gonads. Not to mention I am a tremendous fan of the National Football League.
While most of my betting expertise is with football, college included, I have also wagered on NBA and college basketball, baseball, boxing, hockey, the ponies, CFL, NFL Europe, Arena Football, Slamball (I heard they are bringing that back by the way), and The Oscars. From now til February 1st of 2009, each week you will get my expert picks, analysis and general commentary on wagering plays for that weekend. It might not always be the same number of picks but with money amounts given with each pick, it's a surefire way to collect cash on a weekly basis.
Format is as follows.
Picks in BOLD, home teams in ITALIC. Money attached to the picks will go right after the synopsis of the pick. Weekly records will be kept at the bottom of the page and given side by side by the money earned or lost.
Week 1 poses alot of problems for bettors. Mostly, you can predict how a team is going to finish but can never really tell how they will fare in their first game. For all we know KC is a little better then we think and here we are giving 17 points away like it's a tax rebate. The Saints appear to be a lock but Gustav reminded us that 3 years ago some bitch named Katrina strapped on a 8 pound ding dong and porked the Saints mercifully. Who knows if they are distracted now? There is also 9 Quarterbacks making their NFL season opener debut. Week 1 is rough, but this is why I'm here. Onto the picks.
Locks :"Put it in the box with Mike Lowery's mama's titties and the word flaccid lock of the week"
Mike Lowery: "Ok look, we're a partnership, but we're a partnership with boundaries. We got a new rule. From now on you can't say the word flaccid to me. This is our little ?boundary box?. We're gonna take the word flaccid and put it in there with my mom's titties and your erection problem and we gonna close this box and we gonna throw this bitch in the ocean. And the only way that you can get to this box is you gotta be motherfuckin' Jacques Cousteau. "
Detroit Lions -3 over the Atlanta Falcons
Sorry to pick on the Falcons here but they have a rookie coach and a rookie QB. Jon Kitna is the greatest QB no one knows about (stat wise) and the fans are not even convinced that the Falcons are headed in the right direction. They can't even sell out the home opener. Detroit started out 6-2 last year before floundering down the stretch. (Straight Bet : $250)
New Orleans Saints -3 over Tampa Bay Bucs
Distractions? What distractions? Just another Hurricane, which seemed destined to rip a hole in the Superdome again. But it came and went. And now the Saints get their opener at home the way it should be. Under normal circumstances. Listen this offense is legit. Tampa matches up well with them in the secondary, I'll give you that but The Saints at home just feel right. It just does. The offensive line is good, I don't see Tampa getting much pressure on Drew Bree's mole or Drew Brees himself. Saints cover the 3 and start their division crown run. (Straight Bet: $150)
Arizona @ San Francisco OVER 41 Points
The play is the over. Simple and easy. Check the bottom screen or top screen for score updates and take pride in the fact that every time the score changes you are closer to a new pair of shoes. This "rivalry" goes over early and often. Some numbers. Last 9 meetings the over is 7-2, 3 of those times the score added up to be in the 60's. In general the OVER is 25-9 in Arizona's last 34 games vs. NFC opponents. The OVER is also 38-14 in Arizona's last 52 Road games. These are are not only trends. They are godsends. And if it loses, chances are the re-match in Arizona will hit. (Straight Bet: $150)
Seattle @ Buffalo UNDER 39 Points
Buffalo (even) over Seattle
Both defenses will be flying around. Buffalo starts Trent Edwards with a power running game while Seattle has good ol' reliable Hasselbeck but with not so much of a running game. Couple that with Matt's receivers all pretty much dead I expect points to be at a premium in this contest. Buffalo sports a nice trend in home September games. Under is 11-3. Seattle's September games run a similar trend. 11-4-1. I also like Buffalo to win, there is no line meaning it's even so all you need is a home victory. Orchard Park usually rocks in September and this is a tough first game for Seattle. (Reverse: Buffalo and the Under, $25 reverse. Lose $50 is both lose, win $100 if both win. In the case of a split, you pay $25)
Dolphins +3.5 over NYJ
I think Pennington taking the helm for Miami after being there for so long is going to hurt the Jets this week. He knows just about every nook and cranny of that team. I imagine he'll be able to direct that offense efficiently enough to squeak out a win. In a game like this I would focus on Time of Possession, something I think Chad does well. A couple of 8 minute drives may sap all the energy that Jet defense has on a blazing hot day in Miami. Upset. Farve is not acclimated to this team yet. (Straight Bet: $50)
Oklahoma -22 over Cincinatti
No words necessary. OK is a powerhouse.
(Straight Bet: $100)
As far as last night's game. The way it started it seemed like the Giants would roll by 30. But the O just settled for FG's. The defense played well, again. Tuck is going to be a beast. Jason Campbell still can't read a defense. I don't even know if he can read a whitewater rafting pamphlet. Zorn looked like Henry Winkler in Waterboy before he started imagining the other coach as a poodle. Good win, division win some improvements obviously still need to be made. Laron Landry meet Brandon Jacobs. O, O, O my god did you see him get runeth over? Straight trucked him. That was beautiful. Zeke/Spiff your names and pics will be up in the first couple of comments.
Thursday, September 04, 2008
OKC Stealers are actually going to be named the "Thunder." That's pretty goddman lame. Truehoop has more best thoughts on it. I'll let him talk about it.
The williams sisters annoy me. It'd be great if they would just go away.
More cupcakes this week, so picking MLTC isn't easy. I'm gonna go with Arizona State. I don't really think they're a bad team, it's just that Harbaugh and Stanford have some weird mojo. They win games they shouldn't, and this is the definition of that.
Replay was used in baseball last night for the first time. But it was used to confirm an Arod homerun, so it's obviously a terrible program. It's a disgrace to the game. It only took 2 minutes, 15 seconds, so I'm not sure what the big fuss was. Those old-timers need to get their panties untwisted.
Texting on a motorcycle:
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
So, this might be the 600th LoV post. At least that's what it says on posts page, I didn't check to see if there were any drafts in there, but screw it, I'm calling this post #600.
Let's see...Zambrano is out with an arm. I heard he stopped to pet a black cat right before he took the field, so that's on him. He should know better. Cubs curse theories begin now and don't stop until their elimination in the NL Championship Series. Of course I may have just accidently reverse-jinxed them so, maybe they'll win it this year. God, I hope that doesn't happen.
There is tennis on ESPN's main page. WFT? You're the World Wide Leader ESPN, and noone cares about the tennis.
USC is #1, Georgia is #2. All is right in the universe.
In other non-sports news, I don't know if this has been covered here on the World Wide Loser, but the LPGA is requiring it's players to learn the English. Apparently, it's tough to market non-English speaking players to an English speaking market. Who knew? My take on it is; it's the LPGA, no one's going to watch no matter what you do.
In real sports news: FOOTBALL STARTS TOMORROW!!! I've been waiting for the fourth to get here for about three months. I got an email from Yahoo this morning telling me I have to make my football picks, even though I made them last night. So if you did not get the email and haven't made your picks yet, consider this your email warning. Unless you're Cumfast, and in that case, you should eat a dick. FOOTBALL!
That's it. Solid D- work. I gotta get ready to sit in traffic. Peace.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Anyway, I have shut my door here at work, I am grumpy as all can be. People are doing their normal shit that piss me off, except it is too early for that kind of crap. I just sent an email canceling some insurance policy we have because the construction boss told me there was no way we would still be working in TN after the end of this month. I axed him about extra parking and whether or not it would be done in time and he said we ain't doing no extra parking. So today he sends me an email saying we might do extra parking. No shit Sherlock, I am the one that told you that. And some lady emails me and tells me tax payments are due a week from Monday, what are the numbers? Fuck that they are due like 2 weeks from now. They are due a week from next monday, which itself is basically a week away. I am not even going to respond. Especially because she put that damn red exclamation point next to it like it was an important email. Fuck that red exclamation point, people who use it incorrectly should be stoned. Right in public too, which is really the only way to stone people (the stoning with actual rocks, not drugs).
Anyway, it is football season so not all is lost. Tem loves football season. It is basically the only sport he can talk very intelligently on. Tem knows what is going on with the other sports, but he really only understands football. Or at least he thinks he does. Also it makes him talk in the third person which is especially nice. So here are football thoughts, ala Skunkpatch's Ten Things or Whatever He Thinks:
1) Louisville is horrible. Their QB sucks. I know he lost like 99.8% of his receiving yards from last year, but damn he sucks. He throws the ball into traffic and he throws it late. That isn't the receivers fault, that is the fault of a sucky QB. Of course, it is guaranteed that he will throw for 500 yards against WVU.
2) Speaking of WVU saturday was a good day to be a fan. Nova put 9 in the box (cue Beth joke) and Coach Stew decided that throwing would be a good idea. Rich Rod runs the belly option into a 9 man front and Stew lets Pat White throw. I might like the Stew era. Also, Michigan lost and Pitt lost. Ha, eat a dick Mark May.
3) Speaking of Mark May, his buddy Lou Holtz might have gotten a little carried away about ECU totally outplaying Virginia Tech. I'm putting that loss on "Cho Hangover." Of course that is what I will put all VT losses on from now on. Anyway, Lou, I know your son coaches ECU, but damn you don't have to slob the team's knob that bad. Of course if they handle WVU this coming saturday then they are legit BCS busters. That assumes they roll through conference play (a HUGE assumption I know).
4) Thank you Mr. Bowden (Tommy) for letting us know that some things really are sure things in this world. It was just a matter of time before you choked and low and behold it was the first week!
5) WVU's pass defense is horrid. It is basically like mine when I play NCAA 09.
6) Syracuse might go 1 for the season.
7) I didn't watch a lot of football because I went to the OSU game. 20 rows up, 50 yard line, eat a dick haters. Anyway, I was sitting next to a bunch of doctors apparently because when Beanie hurt himself they were all saying he "definitely broke his ankle, that's a broken ankle for sure." So I know you have heard reports from ESPN and stuff that the X-Rays were negative, but don't buy that shit, the doctors who were sitting next to me diagnosed that shit from about 80 yards away.
8) Also one of these doctors was explaining to his kid what the OSU defense was doing. Here is a sampling of his pre snap explanation "see they are in cover 3, oh now they are rolling to 2, oh wait, now it is straight man, wait, they just shifted to man under 2 deep, now they are rolling to back to a cover 4, wait see the LB jump out there it is cover 3." The hilarious part is that all that was really happening was OSU was in a straight cover 3, but since they were so much better than YSU the CBs and LBs were having fun fucking around. It was 3 the whole time. This is why you generally want to read the safeties who don't really fuck around pre snap too much. Also sometimes it was a cover 7 or 5, I can't remember. It is where they play cover 3 on one side of the field (usually the wide side) and 2 on the other side.
OK, 8 footyball comments is enough. That's right Eight is Enough. (TWSS).
Here's a movie review, I didn't watch it, so neither should you:
The House Bunny
This is one of those damn talking animals movies. Basically some little kid gets a talking bunny. At first the dad doesn't let the bunny live inside, but then he realizes the thing can talk, so it is A OK. So the bunny moves in and does all sorts of hilarious things. He can open cans and use the oven and pretty much do everything that a bunny can't do. So instead of cashing in on a talking bunny the family just doesn't do that. But their neighbor wants to. Actually he wants to cut off the bunny's foot. He thinks that a lucky rabbit foot of a talking rabbit would be really lucky.
Well anyway, it turns out that the neighbor is a total redneck so instead of thinking of an elaborate plan to capture the bunny he just decides to shoot the fucker with a pellet gun. So that's what he does. The bunny dies and the guy gets his foot.
Really I am not sure why they made a children's movie like this. I think it is the new "Old Yeller."
1 helmet sticker out of 5. The CGI on the talking bunny was just horrid. Sometimes I thought they should have just spliced in some old Bugs Bunny images.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Here's to the official start to the pennant races, and football season, the smell of dead leaves, a chilly breeze, and that fresh feeling of breaking out those hoodies & football jerseys. School's in, and now its time for the big boys to play.