Thursday, June 26, 2008

The No Knowledge Lottery Mock

This is pretty much guaranteed to be awful, considering my considerable lack of NBA knowledge. At some point I might just shammy it up and copy someone else's mock. I'm only mocking the lottery picks, deal with it.

1. The Chicago Bulls select Derrick Rose, guard who didn't graduate from Memphis.
He's like, from Chicago. And apparently really good. It seems certain they're going to pick him, so I'm not going to try to figure out why.

2. The Miami Heat select OJ Mayo, guard who didn't graduate from USC.
Pat Riley hates black people, so there's no way he's selecting Beasley. Who cares if the Heat already have a guard who loves the ball in his hands? It appears the Heat are going to count on Alonzo Mourning to anchor their frontcourt. It's almost certain he dies this year.

3. The Minnesota Timberwolves select Michael Beasley, forward who didn't graduate from Kansas State.
Beasley apparently lost 3 inches between the end of college and now. He was trying to appeal to the Kod crowd. His strategy worked brilliantly. People keep saying Beasley is better than Durant. Although, admittedly, it isn't hard to be better than a twig that jacks up 40 shots a game.

4. The Seattle LameDucks select Joe Alexander, forward who didn't graduate from West Virginia.
This move didn't make much sense to me. But then I remembered how much the Sonics owners are trying to piss off the fan base. And what better way is there to do that than drafting a retard?

5. The Memphis Grizzlies select Kevin Love, forward who didn't graduate from UCLA.
Jerry West loves old school players, so here he selects Kevin Love, who loves being old. Oh, Jerry West doesn't work for the Griz anymore? Too late now. Also, Love likes the Beach Boys, so he's got that going for him.

6. The New York Knicks select Danilo Gallinari, ninny forward from Italy.
I love this pick for the Knicks. I think it lets them continue their tradition of playing like crap. D'Antonio apparently had sex for 8 years with Danilo's father. Mike may or may not be Danilo's father.

7. The Los Angeles Clippers select Jerryd Bayless, guard who didn't graduate from Arizona.
Since Shaun Livingston is dead and Sam Cassell the alien was shipped off to Bahston, the Clippers need a new point guard to dangle in trade rumors. Bayless is young and has TREEEEEEEEEEEMENDOUS upside, so he fits that role well.

We've now reached the halfway point in this stupid mock draft. Time for a word from our sponsor, the hit new TV show on ABC, "Wipeout."



8. The Milwaukee Bucks select DJ Augustin, guard who didn't graduate from Texas.
Deke wanted me to say the Bucks would pick DJ. Ask him why.

9. The Charlotte Bobcats select Russell Westbrook, guard who didn't graduate from UCLA.
Michael Jordan is an awful GM/President/Owner/Underwear Model. That's why he's picking a point guard of equal value to one they already have. Almost forgot, Larry Brown sucks. So there.

10. The New Jersey Nets select Brook Lopez, center who didn't graduate from Stanford.
The Nets are trying to become more attractive in an effort to woo LeBron James two years from now. Being the first NBA team to select a female would definitely entice James to come see if he could bang Brook. Expect Brook to fall apart now that her siamese twin, Robin was dejoined.

11. The Indiana Pacers select Eric Gordon, guard who didn't graduate from Indiana.
Hmm, how did this happen? It seems shocking that Gordon would end up here. This would be the perfect way to get the Pacers fan base fired up again. Trade away dead weight like JO and Tinsley and pick up local guy EG? Can't get much better.

12. The Sacramento Kings select Roy Hibbert, center who actually graduated from Georgetown.
The Kings want a player that can take on Ron Artest in a freestyle rap battle. Sacramento sees phenominal upside in Hibbert and hope he can blossom into a Shaq-like rapper. No word on Roy's deputy potential.

13. The Portland Trail Blazers select Mario Chalmers, guard who didn't graduate from Kansas.
The Trail Blazers are hoping that Chalmers can teach Oden and McRoberts how to win during March Madness. He'll bring the kind of veteran presence you just can't draft. Plus, he's never been to jail, so that's a big plus.

14. The Golden State Warriors select Kosta Koufus, center who didn't graduate from Ohio State.
Kosta is just the type of Grecian gangster that can set Stephen Jackson straight. Tales of Aristotle, Socrates, Plato and Pythagoras are just what the Oakland community needs. Philosophize this, retard.

775 comments:

1 – 200 of 775   Newer›   Newest»
paula pierce has a vagina said...

couldnt resist adding a vid-yo clip, could you. wipeout is awesome so far

paula pierce has a vagina said...

deke did not tell a tall tale about one thing, byrnes is absolutely awful

paula pierce has a vagina said...

sheff era has begun on lincecumforpres

paula pierce has a vagina said...

tj ford failed his physical, they discovered he is a quadriplegic, somehow it didnt click at first when he rolled in on a wheelchair

JFreak said...

liar.

paula pierce has a vagina said...

todd jones was funny

JFreak said...

although, at this point, I'd almost rather see a quadrepeligic than jermaine o'neal.

paula pierce has a vagina said...

freak, are you ready to slob on edmonds knob yet

paula pierce has a vagina said...

chacon, sprewell; tomato, tomahto

JFreak said...

I'm like 75% there.

He sucked so bad the beginning of the year. I think my hate was justified.

paula pierce has a vagina said...

o'neal also failed his physical, found out he had only 1 knee, yet 3 elbows, one on his midget arm

paula pierce has a vagina said...

beth, how does fresno state's ass taste?

Beth said...

Fresno State? What does Fresno State have to do with me???


Just kidding. I have to admit that UGA just choked. They won the 1st game and were up 5-0 in the clincher on Tuesday and then choked that game and the one last night. Disappointing to say the least.

Oh well, at least they'll win the National Championship in football!

Tyler said...

Dude, they took that video down already. Stupid ABC.

blue said...

hahahahaha Wipeout

El Padrino said...

awesome video

good post too, your best work to date

ns

El Padrino said...

Bonifacio Brillantes

just got off the phone with a guy with this name

blue said...

hey EP, did you help Anne Hathaway's crooked ex-boyfriend invest his money?

El Padrino said...

"chacon, sprewell; tomato, tomahto"

yea really

blue said...

the guy who said he had "ties to the vatican"?

Beth said...

Deke, you forgot your golf picks again, 2nd week in a row.

blue said...

the mets and yankees are playing a crosstown doubleheader tomorrow? That's kinda cool.

noon at yankee stadium

later that night at Shea

El Padrino said...

yeah, second time they did that
it is cool

El Padrino said...

golf picks make me laugh

blue said...

the dodgers and angels never do that

probably because they'd have to have 6 hours between games for the players to get between parks

blue said...

jerry manuel should give david wright every other day off, if he's going to hit 2HR after every off day.

blue said...

28 days until the first NFL camp of the season opens

El Padrino said...

"the dodgers and angels never do that"

chicago could do it, no?

El Padrino said...

assuming it rains and they have to.....

blue said...

I think chicago presents some of the same problems as LA.

of course, my guess is that the teams get a police escort across town in NY anyway, so I don't see why they couldn't do that in Chicago or LA

or in SF...those parks are actually really close, just across the bay bridge from each other.

tem said...

great post.

tem said...

OAK and SF could do it.

CHI and CHI could do it.

El Padrino said...

even if they didnt get a escort a team bus from the bronx to shea would only take about an hour

Beth said...

"golf picks make me laugh"

NY has the best quitters. :-)

El Padrino said...

Bulldogs won the NCAA title

beth should be happy

El Padrino said...

toungue in cheek

El Padrino said...

what's worse living in Indiana or living in Toronto?

has to be Toronto just cuz it's Canada

blue said...

taxes are insane in canada

El Padrino said...

yeah but viagra is cheap

blue said...

well yeah, there's that, and liquor is cheap too

blue said...

but then again, there isn't much reason to want to live in Indianapolis though either....the san francisco of the midwest

El Padrino said...

yea i dont know what's worse
i hope J O' lives in a normal place in the offseason

El Padrino said...

someplace cool like Cedarburg

El Padrino said...

I DONT CARE WHAT THEY SAY, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU

blue said...

i just had a guy tell me that he preferred the "sudden death" OT of the NFL more than the OT used in CFB.

i disagreed and called him a moron

blue said...

thanks mariah

blue said...

or should I call you mrs. cannon

blue said...

where is tem? still in that meeting?

El Padrino said...

it's another radio banger

blue said...

yeah, makes me want to bang my head on the steering wheel

El Padrino said...

it's not mariah though
leonna lewis

blue said...

that "pocket full of sunshine" song makes me want to puke

blue said...

oh jeezalou, all this time i thought that was mariah, and was so disappointed in her.

blue said...

oh, that's the chick they had sing on american idol that simon cowell discovered...she's kinda hot

El Padrino said...

Joba

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"Deke, you forgot your golf picks again, 2nd week in a row."

Motherfuck

blue said...

such language

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Nice. I'm getting shut out.

blue said...

how's that shuffle treating you

Keith S said...

"I DONT CARE WHAT THEY SAY, I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU"

She's smoking hot

El Padrino said...

i think i'm gonna get billy joel tickets at shea

El Padrino said...

"She's smoking hot"

yes.

blue said...

i keep forgetting the wacky league

blue said...

"She's smoking hot"

she's not even in my top 5 british women.

but she's kinda hot

blue said...

fucking mini-me...are you kidding me with the sextape

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"how's that shuffle treating you"

Pretty damn well. I was able to resurrect the old tape deck adapter from my old Discman to use the shuffle in my hooptie.

tem said...

canada is awful.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"i think i'm gonna get billy joel tickets at shea"

Get me one, too. And a plane ticket.

El Padrino said...

meiz let's say in a wacky world I actually did that

would you seriously come?

blue said...

you might have to buy meiz 2 tickets, one for him, and one for his chins

tem said...

"where is tem? still in that meeting?"

i told you, my boss is on vacation so i have lots to do this week.

tem said...

my arena bowl tickets are being mailed today.

i will either sell them on ebay or go myself.

new orleans is fun.

JFreak said...

tem should invite the waitress to go along with him.

tem said...

tem will probably invite someone.

but tem doesn't want to pay for their plane ticket.

hotel and tickets are already pricey enough.


tem will probably ebay the tix.

Beth said...

"my arena bowl tickets are being mailed today"

If you go, make sure to root the Georgia Force on.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"would you seriously come?"

Hell yes. A free ride for Billy Joel @ Shea? Absolutely.

tem said...

if i go i sure as hell won't be rooting for columbus.

they suck.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Right on cue, Piano Man comes on the radio.

JFreak said...

Checks are stupid.

blue said...

My boss is on vacation so i come in at 10:30 this week

*fixed

blue said...

the crush made the playoffs...with like a 6-10 record

tem said...

i know, that is how bad columbus sucks.

tem said...

columbus did make it to the title game last year.

going into the playoffs they were 7-9.

blue said...

arena either needs more teams, or less playoff spots

El Padrino said...

"Hell yes. A free ride for Billy Joel @ Shea? Absolutely."

Fly my mother in for my daughters first birthday or fly deke in for The Piano Man at Shea...


mmmmmm
let me think about it

El Padrino said...

i hope you dont mind the couch deke
i'll break the bad news to my mother

JFreak said...

I'm really bored.

tem said...

AFL keeps adding teams. soon they will have enough teams so that this playoff crap doesn't happen.

of course then they will have 10 teams that just lose money and the league will fold....

tem said...

ib. ybz.



**fixed

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"Fly my mother in for my daughters first birthday or fly deke in for The Piano Man at Shea...


mmmmmm
let me think about it"



Solid decision making.

tem said...

gotta weigh the pros and cons.


mom is gonna bring loud toys for the kid to play with.

deke is not.

mom is gonna tell you all the stuff you are doing wrong.

deke is not.

deke has a time machine.

mom does not (seemingly).

El Padrino said...

all valid points

El Padrino said...

i wonder if deke can make rice balls? or some mean rice and beans?

blue said...

mom cooks homemade italian food

deke will bring you stadium sauce and hot sauce


that's a toss up

El Padrino said...

the conversation with my wife will go well

El Padrino said...

maybe i dont have to tell her
she might not notice a 250lb man snoring on the couch

blue said...

it's not her mom, so why should she care.

tell her meiz will bring babyEP a brewers outfit or something

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"i wonder if deke can make rice balls? or some mean rice and beans?"


I'm sure I can. Although I don't care for peas in my rice balls.

tem said...

she'll probably be excited to not have to see the mom in law.

tem said...

HUNGRY madness

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"maybe i dont have to tell her
she might not notice a 250lb man snoring on the couch"


Hey hey hey. 225.

blue said...

"Even during last night's pregame show, within 20 seconds, Mike Tirico set the bar for hyperbole by calling New York City "the greatest city in the world.""


Tirico and EP see i2i

Tyler said...

Instead of watching the Draft tonight, I have to go see Kung Fu Panda. This sucks.

El Padrino said...

we dont put peas on our rice balls

just cheese and rice
once in a while, if grandma is feeling frisky she'll throw bits of prosciutto in there

El Padrino said...

why T, you adopted a 8 year old while you've been gone?

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"just cheese and rice
once in a while, if grandma is feeling frisky she'll throw bits of prosciutto in there"


I think I have to go clean myself up now.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"Instead of watching the Draft tonight, I have to go see Kung Fu Panda. This sucks."

Man up.

JFreak said...

food time.

paula pierce has a vagina said...

kung fu panda or no more sex, was that the ultimatum?

Tyler said...

I owed the girlfriend because we've seen like five of my picks in a row.

blue said...

panda dick

blue said...

are you dating a 4th grader?

El Padrino said...

but why tonight?

is it date night?

Tyler said...

No she didn't throw down that ultimatum, and I might get laid after. So tonight still has tremendous upside potential.

blue said...

WWL reader comment du jour:


"Bulls are going to take hometown Rose like the Cavs did with James. He'll have as big an impact."


ummm, yeah, sure

Tyler said...

"but why tonight?"

She mentioned it last week and I forgot the draft was today so I said cool. On Tuesday when she brought it up I said, "But..." (the next thing I was going to say was "the draft is on") and then got "the look" so I figured it would be wise to shut up.

El Padrino said...

and wise you are

El Padrino said...

slip in the ass tonight, back door retaliation tjw style

El Padrino said...

A lane violation if you will.

Tyler said...

Haha Benson has to install a breathalyzer in his car

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"She mentioned it last week and I forgot the draft was today so I said cool. On Tuesday when she brought it up I said, "But..." (the next thing I was going to say was "the draft is on") and then got "the look" so I figured it would be wise to shut up."


Noooooooooooooo! Its been what, 6 months? Unacceptable.

Tyler said...

I hope that wasn't from the news desk of cumfast.

El Padrino said...

give me your cell and i'll text who when the knicks pick so you can mock me 3000 miles away

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"Haha Benson has to install a breathalyzer in his car"


Thanks, cumfast.

El Padrino said...

it was from the news desk of cumfast

isiah thomas said...

Steven Jackson:

"I had a colonic," Jackson said, referring to the trendy colon-cleansing therapy that is akin to an extended enema on steroids. "My girlfriend had the bright idea: 'Let's go get your system cleaned out.' It lasted about 45 minutes, and by the end, I (expletive) wanted to cry. Let's just say I got stabbed in the (rear) six times."
There's more if you're interested:
"I went in there and put on a hospital gown and lay there face up on a table with a hole underneath, and I was totally nervous.
"My hands were covered in sweat, and the (colon therapist) lady comes in and starts talking my ear off. There's this thin hose-type-thing that you put up there that shoots water into you and sucks everything out, but I had trouble getting it in, and then it kept coming out. The lady had to come back six different times and put it back in there. It was brutal."
Interjected Jackson's girlfriend: "Trust me, she didn't mind. I was having mine done in the next room, and she kept coming in to tell me how fine he was. I was like, 'Could you please stop hitting on my boyfriend while you're cleaning out my colon?' When we got done and he walked out to the waiting room, I said, 'Steven, are you OK?' He said, 'I don't want to talk about it.' I swear to God, he looked like a kid who'd been in there with R Kelly."

paula pierce has a vagina said...

"She mentioned it last week and I forgot the draft was today so I said cool."

youre the resident NBA guy here and you forgot about draft day?

Tyler said...

TJW move does not work.

blue said...

sjax is scarred for life

paula pierce has a vagina said...

whoever drafts jackson in FNFL needs to change there team name accordingly

El Padrino said...

wft zeke...wft

Tyler said...

I just broached the subject. It did not end well.

Tyler said...

I am going to see Kung Fu Panda tonight.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

We need some kind of $50 & $100 bill policy here. Thanks, you fucking skank bitch. Now There's no fucking change in this drawer.

Tyler said...

I have Sjax in the keeper league.

paula pierce has a vagina said...

just write "no bills above 5$ acepted" sign and tape it to the cash register

blue said...

"whoever drafts jackson in FNFL needs to change there team name accordingly"

yeah, i have him in my money league, so i'm already coming up with good nicknames

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Fucking cheapskate jew broad. Hems & haws over a $7 transaction & then pays for it with a fucking hundred. I just want to choke slam these bitches.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"just write "no bills above 5$ acepted" sign and tape it to the cash register"

Bossman won't allow anything like that. It pisses me off sometimes.

blue said...

maybe she's a prostitute

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"maybe she's a prostitute"

At 75 years old?

blue said...

tulo still sucks

El Padrino said...

he's destroying my $$ team this week

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Mets/Yanks double-header tomorrow, hey?

blue said...

how a guy could hit almost .300 last year and then not even be above .160 is beyond me.

Keith S said...

"I have to admit that UGA just choked. They won the 1st game and were up 5-0 in the clincher on Tuesday and then choked that game and the one last night. Disappointing to say the least."

Fresno did that the whole postseason. They got blown out by ASU in the 1st game of the Super Regional, then were losing 5-2 in game 2 and came back and won the next 2.

Keith S said...

On this day in 1972...

Roberto Duran captured his first championship belt with a bloody knockout of former titleholder Ken Buchanan.

Keith S said...

you might have to buy meiz 3 tickets, one for him, one for his chins, and one for "delux"

*fixed

Keith S said...

Afternoon baseball? Inconceivable!!

isiah thomas said...

I haven't read the post yet, but nice work freak. NS

Took me more than half a scroll to get to the comments link.

Keith S said...

Whitlock wrote about race again today. I'll spare the link

isiah thomas said...

I just want to choke slam these bitches.

Customer Satisfaction Guaranteed.

blue said...

no-hitter going in miami

blue said...

good news for EP

Keith S said...

It's hilarity that in the middle of that article they have an ad asking if you want to win Jeter prizes.

El Padrino said...

all NYC Aids is in the bronx

El Padrino said...

the gollum is eating basil

straight up, just the leaves...

tem said...

"I owed the girlfriend because we've seen like five of my picks in a row."

tyler is dating an 8yr old?

tem said...

slip in the ass tonight, back door retaliation kobe style


*fixed

H said...

"i think i'm gonna get billy joel tickets at shea"

billy joel = fantastic

tem said...

sjax's woman is hilarity.

Keith S said...

I have tickets for Neil Diamond, but it's not at Shea.

tem said...

"I swear to God, he looked like a kid who'd been in there with R Kelly."

hilarity

tem said...

is it at a replica of shea?

blue said...

"Neil, I wanna party with you"

Keith S said...

"is it at a replica of shea?"

Stop it, tem. You know there could never be a replica that could live up to the greatest.stadium.evar

El Padrino said...

shea's a shithole

but it's our shithole
it's like that couch you never want to throw out, so comfortable, so many memories

blue said...

so citi-park is what? the new leather couch with the built in massage things?

blue said...

*citi-field

or whatever

Keith S said...

Citi-park-field-stadium-center is like PNC Park a few years ago. Awesome setting, awful team.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"I have tickets for Neil Diamond, but it's not at Shea."

I've said it before. Neil puts on one of the best shows I've ever seen.

tem said...

vball tonight.

high 91, thunderstorms probable.

great.

pictures unlikely.

tem said...

i need to get my ass to PNC park this year.

August.

Keith S said...

And before EP says it, it could also be compared to Great American ballpark in Cincy.

tem said...

sharapova is gonna lose today.

Keith S said...

"Neil puts on one of the best shows I've ever seen."

Yep

tem said...

or she already lost.

it was on while i was at lunch.

El Padrino said...

mets >>> pirates + reds

stop it

Keith S said...

"mets >>> pirates + reds

stop it"


You stop it. At least Cincy lives up to expectations.

El Padrino said...

there are no expectations in cincy

Keith S said...

Right. So they don't disappoint. They know what they're getting.

El Padrino said...

unrelated the Cuban revolution was facsinating

tem said...

pirates are saints.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

FTR, there's a nice cowbell on sale for 11.99 @ amazon.

Keith S said...

What makes a cowbell "nice"?

blue said...

"pirates are saints."

saint bernards

tem said...

bernard hopkins

tem said...

"What makes a cowbell "nice"?"

if you don't know then you don't know.

Keith S said...

fmk was watching that "so you think you can dance" show, so I sat down and started watching it while we were eating. She asked if I liked the dancing and I said "No, but there's hot chicks". Apparently that was the wrong answer.

Keith S said...

"bernard hopkins"

random

blue said...

sir anthony hopkins

tem said...

everyone relax! hollinger liked the pacers/raptors trade from both sides.

tem said...

johns hopkins university

Keith S said...

St. Johns University

blue said...

John Holmes

Keith S said...

This could be a quick CoLoV

Keith S said...

Or not

tem said...

" Apparently that was the wrong answer."

yes, the correct answer is either "i just wanted to spend some time with you" or "the tv's that way if you want to watch it"

blue said...

saint bernards

Keith S said...

older

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