Tuesday, May 20, 2008

tem vs.

Time to take on the heavyweights of online sports writing.




Match 1: Skunkpatch.


You may know him as the monday morning qb, whatever, he is skunkpatch. Anyway, let's copy and paste without permission a piece of his column and explain why it is we todd did.


  • "Belichick is the smartest coach I've ever met. I remember him showing me around the football library in his Massachusetts home a few years back (he has since turned his voluminous collection over to the Naval Academy), and I noticed "The Art of War,'' by Chinese author Sun Tzu, written 2,600 years ago. I asked if he'd read it -- he had -- and what he'd learned from it. Belichick sort of rolled his eyes and said, "You know, don't fight a battle when the ground is muddy. Stuff like that.'' The point I took away: He read everything he thought might help him or be of value to his job, but he could think for himself, too. "

OK let's start here. How the fuck did you get that point out of what Belichick said? That is the answer a condescending dickhead would use. You know how I know? Because I am a condescending dickhead. Ask anyone who knows me. Hell ask people who have just heard of me. That is a dickhead response. In no way should you take "He read everything he thought might help him or be of value to his job, but he could think for himself, too. " away from that answer. What you should have taken away is "this guy is a dickhead and thinks I am a fat idiot."


Match 2: Shamford


I win by default. Everyone knows he is a douche. At least the jury is still out on me.


Match 3: TMQ


  • "The $500,000 fine assessed against Belichick is a token sanction at his income level. The draft choice fine against the Patriots penalizes mainly the team's fans, who are not responsible for what happened. Patriots players are in effect being punished for their coaches' actions by having their reputations harmed. Suspending Belichick for at least a year would constitute a serious penalty where none has been imposed so far, and show pro football is serious about integrity. "



OK smart guy, how the heck is taking a draft pick away punishing fans, but taking their coach away isn't?? Heck, draft picks are busts a fair amount of the time, the Pats might have been helped by losing a pick. Has anyone wrote about that? Now the Pats don't have to spend serious bucks on an unproven player. Anyway, suspending the coach for a year would punish the fans far more than losing a draft pick would. I hate to say it, but Belichick has proven himself and losing him would be far more harmful to the fans than replacing the 31st pick in the draft with a proven vet. If you are going to use "hurting the fans" as a reason not to do one thing try to make certain that "hurting the fans" isn't also the result of what you propose. Moron.




Match 4: El Tardo


  • "Important note: I don't hate the Spurs nearly that much; I'm trying to work up a proper level amount of hatred for them for the inevitable Celtics-Spurs Finals that's going to happen unless Doc Rivers screws it up ... which is exceedingly possible. The Spurs are a difficult team to dislike but you can do it if you try hard enough. I've made some huge strides in the past week. Just indulge me. Thanks.)"
Spurs difficult to dislike? Whaaaaa???? They whine after every call that goes against them, they flop non stop and they don't really play an enjoyable style of ball to watch. Why would it be hard to hate them? They are like a soccer team playing basketball. Which is not shocking considering the quantity of Euros they have. In America we hate soccer. We also hate the Spurs. It is easy. Also, your reverse jinx attempt on Doc Rivers screwing things up is so transparent that the sports gods will punish you for it. Either the Celts lose to the Pistons or your daughter grows up to be a WNBA coach who gets fired for sleeping with the 3 ugliest players on her team. Also she gets knocked up by TMQ....Your call....





OK now back to some regularly scheduled programming:



tem thought 1: What is the deal with spare buttons on my dress shirt? I get 2 spare little buttons (of which my shirt has 4) and 1 spare big buttons (of which my shirt has 8)?? Isn't that backwards? Shouldn't I get 2 spare big buttons?


tem thought 2: My bed skirt arrives in the mail today. Fuck you all, it was a necessary purchase and it does not make me gay.


tem thought 3: Lester threw a no no. Whip de do.



Two New Country Stars I would wreck:




















Ashton Shepherd. She is married and like 21, but IDGAF. Well actually I do. Married is off limits, but if she weren't married, well then. Yeah I know make fun of me for having morals, but someone around here has to.













Julianne Hough. Apparently she was on the Dancing with the Stars thing and won twice. Whatever, she is hot and sings some country song. Or at least the media tells me it is country. She is 19 and totally acts like it. Again, whatever. I'd destroy her.



That was my first attempt at putting pictures into a post. I hope it didn't suck too bad. I can see it fucked up the spacing all on its own, but whatever, Tyler can fix it or something.

1,131 comments:

1 – 200 of 1131   Newer›   Newest»
Keith S said...

High of 107° today and high of 77° on Thursday.

WFT???

Keith S said...

Country music sucks

Keith S said...

"Disgraced referee Tim Donaghy should be sentenced to probation because he cooperated in the probe into NBA betting and because he has "a pathological gambling condition," his lawyers said in a letter filed in court Monday."



Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

JFreak said...

""i bought an old playstation off of amazon."


PS1?"

yes.

JFreak said...

Tem, I fixed the spacing, sort of.

Next time you upload a picture, choose "none" as the layout, instead of left, center or right.

JFreak said...

random people are continuing to put comments on the dan shanoff sucks post.

strange.

tem said...

thanks for fixing the spacing.

and got it for choosing "none."

tem said...

i see it is gonna be another slow tuesday.

blue said...

good work tem

blue said...

i have often wondered about the buttons thing myself

blue said...

and I know i'm a little late to the party, but re: meiz's state bowling pics...

somebody needs to get that kid some more clothes, either that or the picture of him bowling was taken the same day he kissed that dude at the brewers game.

tem said...

oh and good call whoever said spurs win it because of experience.

that is exactly why they won.

i still hate them.

blue said...

i'm just messing with you meiz, please don't kill yourself.

El Padrino said...

i'm pissed the red sax have another no hitter

blue said...

spurs won because I hate them, and whatever team I hate seems to win at every sport.

tem said...

no hitters against the royals barely count.

blue said...

would you rather have a Mets no-hitter or 18-1

tem said...

in case anyone was wondering my back still hurts a bit, but it is getting better.

El Padrino said...

nice work tem

iamPresidentCharley said...

Tem is a giant slayer. nicely done.

blue said...

i hope the pistons sweep the celtics

El Padrino said...

"would you rather have a Mets no-hitter or 18-1"

good question
first let me just say i'd rather have beth sit on my face but that's unrelated

18-1 for sure

iamPresidentCharley said...

dream = celts/lakers

nightmare = pistons/spurs


and i hope the nba gets fucked on this one.

El Padrino said...

hideo nomo but?

El Padrino said...

stons in 6

lock it up

El Padrino said...

lakers are fucked now
they would have beat the hornets
going to be a tough series

El Padrino said...

"no hitters against the royals barely count."

i wanna say the royals lead the worls in getting no-hit

Stat boy. Do Work.

blue said...

yeah, Robert Horry will cheap shot Gasol in this round

blue said...

Jay-Z is going to be the rep for the Nets at the draft Lottery tonight...

blue said...

lucky lefty is hoping to get into the top 3

El Padrino said...

Knicks are getting the #1 pick. The fix is in a la 1985.

tem said...

Heat get the #1 pick.

DWayne needs help. They can't let a superduper star waste away on the worst team in the league.

tem said...

i gotta say i am somewhat impressed that varitek has caught 4 no-nos.

somewhat.

blue said...

yes, but you are impressed very easily

blue said...

or easily impressed

blue said...

mets double header today against the braves, hopefully EP doesn't die of alcohol poisoning

El Padrino said...

beer for lunch

no doubt

iamPresidentCharley said...

ya know, im kinda alright with draft fixing. sometimes things need a little help..

they need to start getting decent players to NY if Bron is coming in a couple years..

El Padrino said...

exactly

iamPresidentCharley said...

but im also in favor of dee-wayde gettin some luv

blue said...

more of the 'Melo and Camby to the Nets rumors.


sounds like for RJ, marcus williams, a lottery pick, and Keith Van Horn's fake contract.

no thanks

JFreak said...

"and got it for choosing "none.""

okay, well then I have no clue what's going on.

JFreak said...

"i wanna say the royals lead the worls in getting no-hit"

royals have only been no-hit two times.

First time was against Nolan Ryan.

El Padrino said...

Thank you.

Care to find out who does lead the world in getting no hit.

El Padrino said...

i think wade's a FA the same year bron bron is

tem said...

"more of the 'Melo and Camby to the Nets rumors."

so the nuggs would be iverson, RJ, williams, someone else and kmart?

tem said...

"okay, well then I have no clue what's going on."

no, i mean i understand that the next time i do it i will choose none.

El Padrino said...

"In today’s Daily Dime on ESPN.com, Marc Stein mentions that Billy Knight is one of the leading candidates for the Knicks’ open position of General Manager"


nooooooooooooooooooooooo

tem said...

you learnt me something.

blue said...

wade and bosh are both FA the same year Bron is

El Padrino said...

I really want Derrick Rose

El Padrino said...

"wade and bosh are both FA the same year Bron is"

and they all came out together
melo signed an extension recently right?

tem said...

that FA class is amazing.

isn't melo a FA then too? or he can opt out or something?

blue said...

Derrick Rose looks legit. I'm not sold on beasley, to me he was more like a HS kid playing ball with 8th graders, but when he has to play against other HS kids he becomes very normal.

tem said...

a melo i2i with different opinions.

i'm surely wrong.

El Padrino said...

Here are the odds for every potential outcome for the Knicks in tomorrow night’s lottery:

First Pick: .076 %

Second Pick: .084 %

Third Pick: .095 %

Fourth Pick: .000 %

Fifth Pick: .262 %

Sixth Pick: .385 %

Seventh Pick: .093 %

Eighth Pick: .004 %

Worst case sceanrio is 8th.

blue said...

"and they all came out together
melo signed an extension recently right?"

"isn't melo a FA then too? or he can opt out or something?"


Melo took a max contract so his contract is for a year longer than those 3 guys. So he'll be a FA the next summer.

El Padrino said...

I do not want DJ Augustine or Eric Gordon.

Bayliss I guess would be ok, maybe they can trade a contract or two away and pick up a Ty Lawson/Chalmers type player later

JFreak said...

"no, i mean i understand that the next time i do it i will choose none."

ok.

"Care to find out who does lead the world in getting no hit."

working on it.

El Padrino said...

Melo took a max contract so his contract is for a year longer than those 3 guys. So he'll be a FA the next summer.

smrt. he'll get max money that year as oppose to getting less than a bron or wade during the same year

tem said...

"Melo took a max contract so his contract is for a year longer than those 3 guys. So he'll be a FA the next summer."

bah, i thought he could opt out of the last year.

JFreak said...

"On June 11, 1938, Johnny Vander Meer pitched a no hitter. During his next start, June 15, 1938, he pitched another no hitter becoming the first and only pitcher to ever throw consecutive no hitters."

interesting.

blue said...

chalmers didn't come out did he?

tem said...

why do the knicks have a 0% chance of the 4th pick?

tem said...

"On June 11, 1938, Johnny Vander Meer pitched a no hitter. During his next start, June 15, 1938,"

wow 3 days rest too.

blue said...

"bah, i thought he could opt out of the last year."

I think they can all opt out of the last year of their contract, and all the discussion revolves around the expectation that they'll all opt out. but Melo's overall base contract was a year longer.

tem said...

"I think they can all opt out of the last year of their contract, and all the discussion revolves around the expectation that they'll all opt out. but Melo's overall base contract was a year longer."

oh.

blue said...

"why do the knicks have a 0% chance of the 4th pick?"

because they have the 5th worst record, so they can only move up into the top 3 via lottery, and after the top 3 it is slotted by record.

blue said...

since there are 4 teams with worst (sp) records, the knicks cannot move up into the 4 spot.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"somebody needs to get that kid some more clothes, either that or the picture of him bowling was taken the same day he kissed that dude at the brewers game."


I've honestly only worn that jersey 3 times.


And no, I don't have a lot of clothes that I wear. I don't have the time to wear a bunch of different shit.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"Kurt said...

You forgot this one: Dan Shanoff sucks because he prides himself on only collecting Jewish Baseball Player Cards.

Dan Shanoff also sucks because he's a lazy, no good, stay at home mom who calls Matt Leinart a bad father when he himself does nothing to provide for his family.

Futhermore he sucks because he thinks its funny to belittle ESPN analysts he doesnt like who get fired, when ESPN was smart enough to realize that 10 dollars a day was too much money to pay Dan Shanoff for his daily quickie."




Brilliant.

tem said...

lottery talk is interesting.

numbers are fun.

JFreak said...

"Every modern-era team, including all the expansion teams, has suffered at least one no-hitter pitched against them. The team escaping being no-hit for the longest time was the New York Yankees, from September 20, 1958 to June 11, 2003, a span of almost 45 years. The longest current streak belongs to the Chicago Cubs, at 42-plus years, who were last victims of a no-hitter at the hand of Sandy Koufax's perfect game on September 9, 1965."

tem said...

yeah shamford slamming 2 weeks later is hilarity.

blue said...

we have a letter that goes out to shareholders on a monthly basis, and basically its marketing bullshit telling them how great we are and how we serve the community...blah.

anyway, this month the headline reads "Seattle laces up to Beat the Bride and diabetes"....the race was actually called "beat the bridge" which is a race to some bridge up there...but beating a Bride would have been more fun.

somebody is going to get fired.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Fuck Dwyane Wade. He's a bum.

JFreak said...

Sorry EP, no place I can find has no-hitters against listed as a stat, and I don't feel like counting them up one by one.

Too bad.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

I hate to say it. Geo Soto is pretty fuckin' good.

tem said...

nobody is going to get fired. the bride deserved it.

El Padrino said...

Mullin's a phat jersey though

tem said...

when is blue getting a new job?

blue said...

in news of the "another one bites the dust"....Jessica Biel may be pregnant, and going to marry JT.


fuck you timberlake you pussy

blue said...

"when is blue getting a new job?"

i decided to quit looking for a bit, market tightened up some...plus i was getting tired of being one of the last 2 people and the other person always getting the job (that happened 4 different times).

JFreak said...

Some jackhole from a radio station called me at 8:30.

Then got pissed when I wasn't happy receiving a phone call that early.

I wanna fight.

tem said...

when you quit looking one will fall into your lap.

blue said...

why does the radio call you? did they need some mic advice?

tem said...

why was a radio station calling you?

tem said...

"Jessica Biel"

old news.

Megan Fox is the desired pussy to be crushed now.

blue said...

"Megan Fox is the desired pussy to be crushed now"

agreed...biel may just fall out of the top 5 of 2008.

blue said...

megan fox already got the call up to the top 5.

JFreak said...

"why was a radio station calling you?"

one of my buddies is working as an intern for one of the morning shows.

they seemed to think it would be hilarious to wake me up and see my reaction.

I was not of the same opinion.

blue said...

shania twain's husbands religion only allows for sex if you are trying to procreate, and even then only up to 4 times a year.


so now that she's going to be single, and she's 42, somebody is going to have a lot of catching up to do.

i'd plow her

El Padrino said...

that stat should be easy to find
fuckers

*i checked too

JFreak said...

Yeah, retrosheet has an option to sort it by umpire...just strange.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Sweet. Peavy to the DL.

blue said...

"Sweet. Peavy to the DL"


ahahahaah...still think my deal was nuts?

tem said...

"shania twain's husbands religion only allows for sex if you are trying to procreate, and even then only up to 4 times a year.


so now that she's going to be single, and she's 42, somebody is going to have a lot of catching up to do.
"

i am embarassed that i did not know any of this.

blue said...

I am the anti-keith, everybody I try to trade for and get shot down on, goes on the DL...Brandon Webb is next.

El Padrino said...

Stay away from johan you bastard

tem said...

don't put a curse on furry balls.

blue said...

pedro done after this year?

tem said...

also what the fuck religion only allows sex 4 times a year???

El Padrino said...

daddy has brain cancer
saw the piece on SNY last night

El Padrino said...

"also what the fuck religion only allows sex 4 times a year???"

Homo religion. He's a faggot hiding behind a marriage.

JFreak said...

"pedro done after this year?"

wait, pedro is playing this year?

El Padrino said...

i'm sick and tired of fags

El Padrino said...

wait, pedro is playing this year?

first week in June he'll be back
you got the bet pretty much wrapped up

tem said...

"Homo religion. He's a faggot hiding behind a marriage."

well if being gay nets you shania twain then maybe i need to start rethinking some things...

El Padrino said...

"Flour prices have more than tripled in the last two months, with 50-pound bags going for about $35, up from $11."

damn son, no wonder the italian bread and pizzerias are raising prices

El Padrino said...

"well if being gay nets you shania twain then maybe i need to start rethinking some things..."

Cruise, Tom
Reynolds, Al
etc.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"ahahahaah...still think my deal was nuts?"


Yep.

tem said...

i don't even know how flour is made or what it comes from.

El Padrino said...

insert my "sometimes i think tem is from another planet" line after that doozy

JFreak said...

Can't you just make flour at home?

JFreak said...

PONCHO

El Padrino said...

yeah if you have a couple of hundred pound bags of buckwheat laying around

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Some lady just complained to me about having to carry a heavy box an extra 15 feet to the counter where I am.




The box weighed exactly 5.38lbs. And you wonder why I'm a borderline lunatic.

blue said...

who is Al Reynolds?

El Padrino said...

that homo that married/divorced from star jones

blue said...

"i don't even know how flour is made or what it comes from."

it comes from the store

tem said...

that still does not explain the mystery of flour to me.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"PONCHO"

I saw that last week. Fuckin' hilarious

tem said...

star jones <<<<<<<<∞<<<<<<<<<<<<< shania twain

blue said...

how far back do you want to know the no-hitter statistic?

El Padrino said...

what mystery?

it's grounded up starches, like cereal grains and buckwheat opr barley, rye, etc.

JFreak said...

"how far back do you want to know the no-hitter statistic?"

forever.

tem said...

grounded up starches, got it.

JFreak said...

"<∞<"

infinity greater.

that's a lot.

blue said...

"forever."

like as in 1881 the mudville hens got no-hit?

JFreak said...

if it happened in the mlb, i wanna know.

JFreak said...

and i'm sure the hens were a precursor to a current team, find out, and count it.

tem said...

"<∞<"

infinity greater.

indeed a lot and indeed it is true.

tem said...

although technically that is infinity less than.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

slowed down.

blue said...

No Hitters against since 1919:

D-Bags 2
Braves 11 (5 Atl, 6 Boston)
Orioles 9 (6 Bal, 3 St. Louis)
Red Sawks 7
Dodgers 10 (5 brooklyn, 5 LA)
Angels 6
cubs 3
White Sox 7
Reds 6
Indians 6
Rockies 2
Tigers 8
Marlins 1
Astros 3
Royals 3
Brewers 3
Twins 8 (4 minn, 4 washington sen)
Expos/Nats 4
Mets 4
Yankees 5
Athletics 11 (7 oakland, 4 philly)
Phillies 13
Pirates 3
Padres 6
Mariners 2
Giants 14 (10 San Fran, 4 NY)
Cardinal 5
Rays 1
Rangers 3
Blue Jays 3

blue said...

so Giants with 14 have the most pitched against them.

next is the phillies with 13

blue said...

if you go in the way back time machine, the whitesox had the most, as they had like 15 pitched against them before 1919.

Tyler said...

Prediction: Arod hits two Home Runs, including a grand-slam, in his first game back today, all because he's still stuck in my DL spot because IT TAKES A DAY TO DROP SOMEONE!

El Padrino said...

i was going to guess the giants too

NS

Spaceman Spiff said...

lakers in 3

El Padrino said...

nice work blue

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Didn't A-Rod play this past weekend?

Tyler said...

"Didn't A-Rod play this past weekend?"

No. He did not.

Spaceman Spiff said...

so deke got absolutely nothing out of dropping gagne

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"so deke got absolutely nothing out of dropping gagne"

Why would I keep him?

El Padrino said...

tem has a nice team

i am trying to upgrade my 2b position

tem said...

i got burnt by the DL thing with one of my pitchers.

tem said...

furry balls has some players.

El Padrino said...

because figgy's hamstring is taking way too long

tem said...

bethany never posts on tuesdays anymore.

she shuns me.

El Padrino said...

i guess i can just wait it out
dont want to force the issue

deke so still a no for Wagner?

Brian Wilson and Gagne?

tem said...

blue has good 2Bs on the market i think.

tem said...

HUNGRY

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Wagner's been a fucking gangster this year. No way.

Keith S said...

""On June 11, 1938, Johnny Vander Meer pitched a no hitter. During his next start, June 15, 1938, he pitched another no hitter becoming the first and only pitcher to ever throw consecutive no hitters."

interesting."


I hope I'm not the only one that knew about the back-to-back no hitters.

Keith S said...

Mike Myers has a movie coming out that has both Alba and Meagan Good in it. I'll probably just watch it with the sound turned down.

El Padrino said...

i knew about it too

El Padrino said...

the love guru
it looks dumb

blue said...

the love guru

El Padrino said...

mark derosa is not a good 2b

blue said...

pedroia is a good 2b though, but I know you hate socks, which is the opposite of freak

El Padrino said...

netflix on your TV

El Padrino said...

yea fuck pedroira
plus i get more power from the 2b i have now

Spaceman Spiff said...

as predicted, EPs team is getting absolutely crushed

Keith S said...

"because figgy's hamstring is taking way too long"

I read that Figgy will be activated this week.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"I hope I'm not the only one that knew about the back-to-back no hitters."

You are not

Keith S said...

But it was the LA Times that reported it, so take that for what it's worth.

El Padrino said...

"as predicted, EPs team is getting absolutely crushed"

your winning 2-1

blue said...

yeah, your 2b has more HR than BJ Upton too, but you wouldn't consider him a better 2b.

El Padrino said...

so that's an S i am sure

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"mark derosa is not a good 2b"


But look at all that position eligibility!



*delux'd

El Padrino said...

i like a good BJ

El Padrino said...

i just want to get rid of KJ

El Padrino said...

he sits vs lefties and i just cant have that

blue said...

if you were looking for a power hitting 2b, why did you trade away uggla?

Spaceman Spiff said...

have these audrina pics been posted yet?

bangin body in a bikini

blue said...

"But look at all that position eligibility"

he's my utility guy, although he's been playing well enough the last week or 2 to play everyday.

Spaceman Spiff said...

EP gets rid of guys he hates, he hates uggla, he also takes all reasonably good mets

coincidentally, he won't win the league

Spaceman Spiff said...

also, reasonably good ex-mets

El Padrino said...

i hate uggla
and he'll lead the marlins crash down to earth

Keith S said...

Nice camel toe

blue said...

get freak to trade you Barmes...he's good and has low value....he's everyday at SS until Tulo comes back, and then he'll be their everyday 2b.

blue said...

anyway, escobar is a better 2b than KJ.

El Padrino said...

i'm dropping scheider next week, i'll play wire with my cather position all year based on matchups and who's hot
shit like that

schneider has good #'s vs hotlanta and then they go to Col so who knows what can happen in that park

other than that, i have all very good mets, having just good wnough years


so far......beltran ans reyes will heat up

you know it, i know it

Keith S said...

"Oil tops $129 for first time, heads for $130"

So 130 comes after 129. Interesting.

El Padrino said...

yeah i picked up barmes in my money league

El Padrino said...

i'll just stand pat and play figgy there when he gets back

El Padrino said...

relegate KJ to the bench
if he gets hot someone will come a callin

blue said...

people forget that Barmes was hitting .312 as the everyday SS a couple of years ago, until his hunting accident. Kid can hit

El Padrino said...

he's the kid who lied about that injury right?

Spaceman Spiff said...

at least figgy definitely wont be back against me

El Padrino said...

good contact hitter

blue said...

"he's the kid who lied about that injury right?"

yeah, he fell off an ATV whilst hunting with Todd Helton and broke his collarbone, and tried to tell them that he slipped in the shower or something.

Tyler said...

I am going to try and max out my player adds for the entire season.

Tyler said...

Right now El P and I are leading in that category, but I will prevail.

Tyler said...

Meiz lost faith in Mota after one Blown Save?

El Padrino said...

T, Matsui.

Keith S said...

Mota sucked long before that 1 blown save

El Padrino said...

i will use all 3 adds every week so you lose.

Tyler said...

bX-n3zkj6

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"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino