Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Soy un perdedor

Sports content: Let's get this outta the way. Pistons won, I hit a homer and I DVR'd it but haven't watched it yet.. but I'm gonna call the Penguins winning tonight. I hope they get into the Finals, cause I wanna see them and Detroit try to outscore each other. Fun times. High profile players in the Finals is what the NHL needs. And it's what I wanna watch.

That Matt Walsh thing is King of the Sofas. Big, cushy, plush sofa...-age.

----Cease.

-I'm insanely wasted. Or something. CYOA.

-There is never anything to blog about. I feel like writing something though. Did you know that I'm writing a book? It's a great story about a girl and her dog. The dog is from another planet, so he can fly. The "aliens" (who aren't scary at all.. just another group of people from another planet) put this fuzzy little puppy on Earth to use as a tracking device to study human emotions. So what better way to understand those than by using a puppy? Caring, nurturing, loving.. all that crap. And when it gets old, everyone ignores it because it's no longer cute and cuddly, now it's old and fugly.. So then the aliens are saddened by this and think they can fix us. They just want peace and love in the galaxy. Great idea, except we have chemical/nuclear weapons and shit and they realize this before they head down to Earth. So they make a snap judgment and figure that we can't be saved after all and they destroy the planet.

Whammo, beeyotch!

Then the story gets going... and gets made into a movie. There is a group of astronauts in orbit, led by Rodney Dangerfield as "Iron" Mike Vinton. Gary Busey is the crazy, risky pilot and Signourney Weaver is the voice of the A.I. on the ship. They see the proceedings and are obviously kinda pissed. They're all like "damn, they just blew up the planet and stuff". There is a person of disability on the shuttle, Teddy, (played admirably by Bruce Willis) and his little sister was the one that owned the puppy. So he is like "yippie-ki-yay mofo" (slobbering liberally) and they turn on the rocket boosters and go after the terrorist aliens. So, they're tracking them through space making sure to fly all stealthy.. sticking behind craters and black holes and such.

The aliens stop to take a pee break and the shuttle crew see their big break. They land on the same moon and are going to sneak over and plant a batch of explosives on the enemy spaceship. Tom Hanks (weighing 48 lbs) stars as the quirky tech guy who is not allowed out of the belly of the ship and watches MacGuyver DVDs all day. He has a little workshop down there and has fashioned a BlackBerry (product placement) into a trigger for the explosives. Nice. (Americans are smart.)

They are about to go deliver the goods when all of sudden Teddy is standing there in a loin cloth and oxygen mask and has a JanSport backback (the new "Cruiser" model released just in time for the fall school year) loaded up with the bomb. So they're all like "dude, you have a terrible 40 time, there is no way you can run over there by the time the aliens take a wiz, buy a Snickers and get everybody back on board and leave". And he is like, "yeah I can". Crew is like... "No. You can't. Seriously, you lick windows, but we like your spirit". And he is like "Lick this" and shows them his Navy S.E.A.L. badge. They're all pretty impressed with it, but fail to see how them licking the badge makes any sense. He says he will explain when he gets back. Cause he's coming back!! OHHHH! Alien bitches, you better be scurred!

(But they don't know how bad ass he is or that they're even being followed, so they aren't scared. But they could imagine.)

So he goes over to the spaceship and sneaks on. A couple aliens have already come back to the ship and are playing pinochle and smoking the reefer. They are really stoned and are way too into their bags of Cheetos that they just purchased, so B-Dub knows this is easy pickins. He throws out a flash-bang and then kills each one of the guys by sliting their throats. (Slightly unnecessary). Then he takes a picture out of his loin cloth. His daughter. He shoves it back in his crotch and shakes a stern fist in front of his face. Alien terrorists be damned! He removes a panel from inside the ship and leaves his JanSport backpack (which has these really cool buckles on it... and it's got this real urban-outdoor-metropolis-goth vibe going on.. it will be the hottest thing at school, kids).

So he heads back to his own shuttle and tells them it's all set. To ensure they kill all the aliens, they'll wait until the spaceship takes off before they blow it up. So in the meantime (cause the lead alien is taking a monster deuce. we're talking like triple courtesy flush quality...) they start asking questions to Bad Ass Teddy. The government thought they picked up some strange transmissions recently and were worried about a possible attack, so they loaded Teddy onto the space shuttle incase someone ended up needing some space ass kicking. The crew is like, ok that's cool... but after a second they're like no wait.. they get mad at him cause that basically means that they let the world get blown up. Teddy doesn't understand this logic and tells them it's time to move on.. at least they get to be alive!!

Busey turns off the child locks and they hoist Teddy out the window.

The spaceship takes off and Hanks blows it up. The crew look over at the explosion, but then go back to their hot chocolates. The mood is somber.

Another big explosion happens and they don't think anything of it, figuring it was more of the spaceship remains. But then the blonde dude from Bill & Ted shows up. The second explosion was him landing with the phonebooth! Awh snap!! He tells them all to cram into the phonebooth and he can take them back to before the shuttle launch so they can warn everyone. They are all really excited and stuff.

So they pile in and blondy hits the juice. Busey is pretty wasted at this point cause he's been drinking Petrone most of the morning and has become a complete ass. This makes for a pretty obnoxious trip, so they stuff him in the coin return.

Back at NASA: They get back to "regular time" and warn everybody. At first, they intend to lock em all up cause they think they're crazy... but then they hear Sigourney's voice over a loudspeaker and once they realize nobody is watching Planet Earth, they find out that Hanks brought the computer module back with them.. so the whole thing was documented! Double snap!

Long story short, the government pimps the time machine phonebooth and then locks all the shuttle crew in an insane asylum, cause they don't want the rest of the world to have the hottest technology.

The flick ends with NASA firing a giant laser beam into space and blowing up the alien ship.
Peace, bitches! That's how America rolls!! Kna'mean?

Fade to black.. The End.

This post was sponsored by JanSport and the white crusties that form at the edges of your mouth.

496 comments:

1 – 200 of 496   Newer›   Newest»
JFreak said...

"Yes. I saw it. I don't really care."

I just thought you would want to know that a blind guy is a better bowler than you.

Tyler said...

Ho. Lee. Shit. What a post.

isiah thomas said...

best post in LOV history?

its got my vote.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

too much for me to digest now. Back to TMNT.

Beth said...

After reading this post, I'm more convinced than ever that iam has some serious issues.

Either that or he's just playing a character, I can't decide which.

Beth said...

And for those of you who only speak 1 language (like me), I just did an online translation of the title of iam's post.

As should've been expected from iam I guess, it translates to "I am a loser". :-)

H said...

good morning

H said...

I don't want to call deadbeats today...

iammadeofsteel said...

elizabethany,

"soy un perdedor, im a loser baby, so why dont you kill me"

come on now.

Beth said...

Sorry iam, while I like beck I don't memorize the lyrics as much as you apparently do.

Beth said...

"I don't want to call deadbeats today..."

So does that mean on other days you actually enjoy it? :-)

H said...

"So does that mean on other days you actually enjoy it? :-)"

some days I do. It's fun to make fun of the ignorant hicks I speak to on most days.

iammadeofsteel said...

it's called google, bethany.

Beth said...

Google? I'm sorry iam, we don't have that in Georgia. Is that some new fast food place?

El Padrino said...

this would go great on the bookshelf next to my romantic novel series

El Padrino said...

outstanding btw

Tyler said...

Drive-by body-pierce.

Tyler said...

Yo bring it on down.

El Padrino said...

Two stomps now ya

El Padrino said...

Slide to left

Slide to right

El Padrino said...

criss-cross


criss-cross

El Padrino said...

everybody clap yo hands

CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP

tem said...

that is a better movie than Furry Balls

tem said...

deadbeat list:

blue said...

this movie is one of those that makes you think...i don't like those artsy thinking type movies

blue said...

I'm sick and fucking tired of all these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane

El Padrino said...

so you got my check

blue said...

no more deadbeats

El Padrino said...

"...i don't like those artsy thinking type movies"

it involves aliens, blowing shit up, busey, jansports (which are awesome), reefer, death, and bruce willis

tem said...

yes i got the check.

tem said...

no more deadbeats.

except the ones H has to call.

tem said...

it would win the Oscars for Special Effects, Sound Design, Lighting and Costumes.

tem said...

blonde dude from bill and ted was a great addition

El Padrino said...

tem did you see the memo on the bottom of the check?

blue said...

"it involves aliens, blowing shit up, busey, jansports (which are awesome), reefer, death, and bruce willis"

yeah, artsy...and it's a thinker

tem said...

yeah i saw it but couldn't read it.

tem said...

i am illiterate.

tem said...

it was 4 letters.

tem said...

maybe 5. i can't count either.

tem said...

i opened it up while i was talking to chase about how they are trying to fuck me on my mortgage so i didn't pay much attention to it.

fuck chase.

blue said...

EP is using his LoV inc funds to pay his FMLB fee

blue said...

yeah, fuck chase

blue said...

and fuck chaste women too

tem said...

clinton whipped obama in WV.

really i think that is a bad thing for clinton. are other people in other states going to actually say "damn WV loves her, so we should too!"?

No. Nobody is going to say that.

tem said...

chase is pissing me off royally. they decided to add PMI after they bought my mortgage. (totally not legal to do that)

they say i even signed a form at closing, which amazingly enough is not in my copies of my closing documents and my closing agent doesn't have a copy of it either.

maybe i can sue and own chase.

blue said...

you really expected WV to vote for a black arab candidate? most of the voters thought it was a choice between "that terrorist guy in Al Kayduh, or that guy who was already president once"

El Padrino said...

"clinton whipped obama in WV."

headline in NY daily news was

Mountain Mama With Toothless Victory

i'd be offended if i were you

blue said...

PMI is ridiculous

Steve said...

damn good story, iam. But if it becomes a movie i think you are forgetting one basic point.

Where is the sex appeal? Remember Armageddon Liv Tyler had no place in that movie what so ever other than she was a hot chick. same thing with The Sentinel and Eva Longoria.

You need a good looking woman on the space ship that can...i dont know...do stuff. Plus a drunken Gary Busey with a random hot chick could make for plenty of inappropriate "save the human race" jokes.

Also, i think you need go into further detail about this "alien weed". Is it any good? How does it compare to some Caribbean shit?

Steve said...

Clinton claiming WV as a victory is funny. Do they even have black people in WV? I bet Obama doesn't even fly over that state, he goes waaaaaay around.

I've been there once and will not be back.

blue said...

you actually watche the Sentinel?

Steve said...

"you actually watche the Sentinel?"

sadly, yes.

blue said...

breaking your kneecap with a foul ball would hurt

tem said...

"Do they even have black people in WV?"

at all times there are exactly 347 black people in WV. 143 of them are in prison.

"Mountain Mama With Toothless Victory"

i am offended. Hillary is no mountain mama.

"you really expected WV to vote for a black arab candidate? "

wv folk don't know what an arab is. we hear arab and we think you mean some sort of jewish priest or figure you just forgot to add the "eye stake" part....as in "i'm gonna have arab eye stake for dinner"

tem said...

"breaking your kneecap would hurt"

*fixed

blue said...

c'mon you know nobody in WV can afford Rib eyed steak...not since Rich Rod left

tem said...

we could afford it if he'd pay his buyout.

El Padrino said...

Reggie Bush will never pound a better ass then Kim K's.

tem said...

plus it would be rib eyed deer steak.

blue said...

plus it would be a rib eyed muskrat steak

*fixed

tem said...

is muskrat some sort of rodent you run over with your car?

i don't think we have muskrat is WV.

we have squirrels, skunks, possums, opossums and racooons.

tem said...

oh a muskrat is a beaver. thanks wikipedia.

blue said...

muskrat

tem said...

well its not. but in WV they are the same thing.

Steve said...

Muskrat

blue said...

muskrat is not a beaver, beavers chew down trees, muskrats just swim around in the water

tem said...

megan fox titty link >>>>>>> muskrat link

El Padrino said...

muskrats run amok on nyc subways

tem said...

in wv a muskrat and a beaver are the same thing.

similar to how a wife and a cousin are the same thing.

blue said...

muskrat love was a song

tem said...

song this retard

blue said...

my catcher broke his thumb trying to catch a ball with his bare hand, he's dumb

El Padrino said...

the baseball tonight commercials/promos are so retarded

blue said...

that previous comment was brought to you by the "how to sound gay when talking in baseball terms"


the catcher i was referring too was different than the catchers that kod is used to, dream, sexual or otherwise.

blue said...

btw-

muskrat love is an awful song, i just listened to the first bit of it

Steve said...

there is actually a song called "Muskrat Love"?

i thought ya'll where joking...

blue said...

muskrat love

tem said...

known as beaver love in WV.

blue said...

Hank Steinbrenner has brought the fun back to baseball

blue said...

"Joba is special to me and he means no malice by what he does."


Hank ♥s Joba

tem said...

go pens.

blue said...

TWSS

tem said...

why did she say that?

El Padrino said...

good to see Maine hit Lopez with the first pitch of the game and good to see Lopez just trot to first

that's old shcool

El Padrino said...

*school

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Bite my nuts

blue said...

"why did she say that?"

because she likes the penis

blue said...

"Bite my nuts"

TWSD

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Blue is this season's Weasel. These trade offers are ridiculous.

tem said...

blue has sent me some decent offers, i just don't want to trade webb.

blue said...

fuck that Meiz

blue said...

I offered up David Wright and Torii Hunter for Peavy and Atkins...

how is that ridiculous? That's pretty fucking close to even

blue said...

i offered up a top rated 2B for a pitcher with an ERA of 6.5

how is that ridiculous

tem said...

blue wants a top of the line pitcher and wants to use wright to get him.

blue said...

meiz has over-inflated values for his players...and that's why he's in 9th place

blue said...

as much as i've bitched about D.Wright, he's still the 2nd best 3b out there with the exception of chipper, who has been insane this year.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"how is that ridiculous? That's pretty fucking close to even"

I say not.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"i offered up a top rated 2B for a pitcher with an ERA of 6.5

how is that ridiculous"



Pedroia for Sabathia. A schmuck-dick 2B for the most recent Cy Young. Yep sounds about even.

tem said...

trades blue have sent me were very tempting, but i don't want to trade webb and braun is heating up so i'm going to hold on to them.

tem said...

p for s is buying low and selling high for sure.

blue said...

"Pedroia for Sabathia. A schmuck-dick 2B for the most recent Cy Young. Yep sounds about even"

If you think that Sabathia is on the same level as a Cy Young type of pitcher then you're kidding yourself. He's got an ERA of 6.55 and a WHIP of 1.67ish, those numbers are worse than most teams #5 starter...I have shitty pitching and he would immediately become my worst starter.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"meiz has over-inflated values for his players...and that's why he's in 9th place"


No. I'm in 9th place because I had a really shitty week and got shut the fuck out. I was previously in 3rd or so.

blue said...

I don't care if you don't want to make the trades, but thinking that the offers are weazish is retarded

tem said...

weasel this retards.

i am HUNGRY

Spaceman Spiff said...

eltardo was fucking AWFUL this week, do not read

Spaceman Spiff said...

my team is overrated, everyone is playing to their normal level now

blue said...

does he explain where he's been the last 2 weeks

Spaceman Spiff said...

no, but he says he wrote the article while really pissed about the celtics, so he probly took a break due to the celtics continual sucking on the road, pussy

El Padrino said...

blue your bid for santana was not fair, but it wasnt weasel-ish
i'll give you that

and coming from me that's saying somethign because i hate you

blue said...

yeah the santana one went a little over the top, i realized it after I sent it and started looking at Youk's numbers

El Padrino said...

weazy would send off the wall shit

like Podesenik for Man-Ram and Peavy

isiah thomas said...

and coming from me that's saying somethign because i hate you



OOOOOOOOOOO FACE!

blue said...

ouch that hurts

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

El Tardo seems okay today.

blue said...

el tardo talked about Maggianos....stole that shit straight from here.

blue said...

Hi Bill

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"weazy would send off the wall shit

like Podesenik for Man-Ram and Peavy"

Okay. I didn't think Blue would get so upset.

blue said...

i won't call you chins anymore if you don't call me weazy

Keith S said...

Can I still call him chins?

El Padrino said...

beaing called a weasel is the biggest insult

blue said...

probably

blue said...

i'd rather you call my wife fat, than call me a weasel

JFreak said...

not to be too deke-y about this, but this could be cool.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"i won't call you chins anymore if you don't call me weazy"

deal

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Those bastards stole my idea

El Padrino said...

is freak syaing lightsabers will replace nightsticks?

Tyler said...

Lackey on the mound today. I'm crossing my fingers.

El Padrino said...

Tayshaun Prince is long

Tyler said...

Yahoo Sports says that I shouldn't hesitate to put him in my lineup right away.

El Padrino said...

yikes that came out wrong

JFreak said...

tayshaun prince is skeletor.

JFreak said...

Songs from commercials

El Padrino said...

i've got 4 closers
albiet all on shitty teams and/or shitty themselves but still

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"i've got 4 closers
albiet all on shitty teams and/or shitty themselves but still"

Gagne is still a train wreck. Last night's save was not good.

El Padrino said...

your just mad you dropped him prematurely

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"your just mad you dropped him prematurely"

Not at all. I still have 3 closers.

blue said...

I have 3 shitty closers on 3 shitty teams, and one has the flu and has been out for like 2 weeks

El Padrino said...

Gagne and Wilson for Wagner

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

3 closers, 3 middle guys, 4 starters. I like it that way.

blue said...

Tshirt

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"Gagne and Wilson for Wagner"


Hmm

El Padrino said...

do it

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"Tshirt"


I want that shit

blue said...

awesome

unless you're a knicks fan

blue said...

"I've been doing what Karl Malone did, running up the mountains"


the vision of starbury "running up the mountains" makes me laugh

Spaceman Spiff said...

i wish borowski never got hurt, i was excited when it happened because of betancourt but he is awful as a closer, borowski may actually get his job back, and tylers team ERA will go up instead of mine

tem said...

Furry Balls has solid pitching.

3 closers, soon to be 4 with smoltz.

2 shitty dudes for "holds"

4 or 5 solid starters, 2 or 3 iffy ones.

El Padrino said...

Porn

that was the word on the check i gave tem

blue said...

holds suck

isiah thomas said...

yo....mic check....testing....1...2...um 12.



this is my dance song.

blue said...

who doesn't like this picture?

nsfw

tem said...

porn, that rings a bell.

yes, it said porn.

Steve said...

Power Dorks

Keith S said...

On this day in 1967...

Mickey Mantle became the sixth slugger in baseball history to hit 500 career home runs when he drove a pitch from Baltimore's Stu Miller into the rightfield bleachers at Yankee Stadium.

TP caught the ball.

tem said...

"Hughes claimed he couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2 1/2-gallon box of wine beforehand."


haha, box of wine.

tem said...

who was the last person to win 30 games in a season?

Keith S said...

Denny McClain

isiah thomas said...

Change....shit....I guess change is good for any of us....whatever it takes for any of y’all niggas to get up out da hood....shit I’m wicha....I ain’t mad acha....I got nothing but love for ya....do your thang boy.

Keith S said...

tupac

El Padrino said...

PAC

El Padrino said...

just had my ice cream
no way i was letting TPS house me again

isiah thomas said...

RIP

El Padrino said...

mr softee is the shit

just one question?
where do they pee?

Steve said...

Welcome To Atlanta Public Transportation

Keith S said...

"I just thought you would want to know that a blind guy is a better bowler than you."

That blind bowler link was posted last week, sockfast.

Keith S said...

Nice start by Weaver, EP.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Pizza Hut was great today.

El Padrino said...

Wish he got the win but yeah, a one hitter

El Padrino said...

volquez was his usual

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"That blind bowler link was posted last week, sockfast."

Cumsocks?

Keith S said...

Has anyone seen that Pizza Hut commercial where they get 100 "New Yorkers" in an Italian restaurant, and they serve them the pasta and they all think it's authentic, and then the chef comes out and says he got it all from Pizza Hut?

I keep trying to find EP in the group.

Keith S said...

"volquez was his usual"

Yeah, we'll see what Buchholz does. He's got a bad finger or something. Shocking.

El Padrino said...

"I keep trying to find EP in the group."

they are paid actors, my grandma would slice her wrists open if someone told her that pizza hut made better mac's then her

Keith S said...

"they are paid actors"

That's why I said "New Yorkers".

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"they are paid actors"


Not likely

JFreak said...

"Welcome To Atlanta Public Transportation"

I'm President Charley.

JFreak said...

That video was hilarious steve.

Beth said...

"Welcome To Atlanta Public Transportation"

There's a follow up story to this. The ranting girl has been arrested because of the youtube video.

El Padrino said...

meaty marinara
they say

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

it's bolognese sauce fucking fools

Keith S said...

Food snob

Steve said...

"Ziyad was arrested Thursday night. When MARTA police identified her, they found she was being held at the Atlanta city jail on other charges, MARTA officials said."

you stay classy, what ever your name is.

tem said...

"Has anyone seen that Pizza Hut commercial where they get 100 "New Yorkers" in an Italian restaurant, and they serve them the pasta and they all think it's authentic, and then the chef comes out and says he got it all from Pizza Hut?
"

yes and all i can think to myself is "bullshit, no fucking way"

Steve said...

"Pizza Hut Pasta"

negative.

El Padrino said...

tried a new brew, put it up on LOB

blue said...

I was thinking about the pizza hut commercial last night when I saw it.


They even say "and they know good Italian food"

blue said...

I don't eat any pasta that comes out of an aluminum foil pan

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

fuck work

Keith S said...

If you take home leftovers from Buca, it's in an aluminum pan.

blue said...

i don't eat the leftovers then

blue said...

starving kids in africa be damned

Keith S said...

Pizza Hut Pasta is going to give Olive Garden a run for it's money.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Pizza Hut makes you buy 3lbs of that shit at a time

Keith S said...

That's like 15 meals for mize.

tem said...

i hardly ever eat leftovers.

i hardly ever have leftovers. i am a fat ass.

Spaceman Spiff said...

'i don't eat the leftovers then'

bluetem

El Padrino said...

i always cook a little more so that i do have leftovers

i like to bring lunch to work

Spaceman Spiff said...

i2i

Keith S said...

"i like to bring lunch to work"

Same here. It's economical.

Keith S said...

"Clay Buchholz was put on the 15-day disabled list Wednesday by the Boston Red Sox because of a broken nail on his right middle finger."



OMFG!!!!

Keith S said...

older

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Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino