Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Post 500

"Where we've run out of things to bullshit about." - EP

The End.




Nah just kidding, although I did think about just leaving that up as my entire post. El Pad lacks the necessary faith in my bullshitting ability. Or maybe he is spot on as I am sitting here trying to think of something new to BS about. (editor/author's note: Nah I just finished writing, there is a lot of BS here)

I suppose I could reflect on the past 499 posts. Some were great, some weren't, some made little sense, some made surprisingly a lot of sense. In the end though we all know the blog's comment section is where the action is. Quality insults, insights and bullshit. Not a day goes by where I don't learn something from the comment section. Generally it is completely useless info, but as a society we reward those who know useless shit all the time, so we got that going for us. So if any of you lurkers are out there now is the time to chime in. Bring some heat and tell us how dumb we are.

Well that is all the happy "Rev" talk I have in me. Since our inspirational leader abandoned us I just don't have the rosy outlook on life that I once did. So bravo on making it to 500, next goal 501, now back to the regularly scheduled temcrap.

NHL Update: Playoffs have started, it is the first round. Nobody cares yet...maybe they won't ever. Sucks to be hockey, but hey, at least it ain't soccer. That would be a good slogan for an NHL ad campaign. "NHL Hockey! At least it ain't soccer."

NBA Update: Friday there will be a playoff preview, wait until then.

MMA Update: This Saturday is UFC One Billion or something like that. It should be really good. The French Canadian Guy is fighting someone from New York. Sounds like an easy win for the New Yorker right? Well not so fast my friend (obviously to be read with a Corso voice) the French Canadian Guy is pretty good. He will win because the New Yorker is a old.*

Video Game Update: So I am playing as the Nets and trying to unload Kidd and/or Carter. Neither will waive their no trade clause. Fucking game. My friend bought a PS3 just so he could play that MLB the Show game. Said friend also still owes me like $600+ for Arena Football tickets. I swear this shit is what happens on sitcoms. His reasoning was that I don't accept credit cards, but Target does. There is some logic to that, which pisses me off. Anyway, I might have to call in El Pad to get someone to rough this guy up.

Office Hilarity: Old secretary lady is asking people to help her lift some heavy thing, but she never asked me. I am the obvious choice as I am about 20 years younger than anyone here, but she just ignores me. Awesome.

Arena Football Update: Columbus sucks a lot. This is good because it means season ticket prices might go down next season. Yay for sucking!


Finally a tem movie review of a movie tem has never seen:

Gates of Heaven

This movie is about a carpenter. This carpenter gets called up to heaven because the Gates of Heaven are broke. It turns out some guy really wanted into heaven (John Candy) and he tried climbing the gates to get in. But his fat ass broke the gates. So the guy in charge of the gates (Mel Brooks) needs to tell God (Marlon Brando) that the damn gates broke. But he knows God is going to be pissed because God told him that the gates wouldn't be able to withstand a fat guy climbing on them. So he works up this crazy scheme to make it look like God knocked the gates over.

So the plan is pure hilarity and it fails miserably. The gate keeper gets sent to hell and God orders that the best carpenter on earth (Richard Roundtree) be brought up to fix the damn gates. So he does just that. So the carpenter comes up and spends a day complaining about how he doesn't have any tools to fix the gate, not to mention how he is dead and there is no "fine black ass up here in heaven". So God makes him some tools and an apprentice to help (some animated thing voiced by Michelle Pfeiffer). So the carpenter and the animated thing spend the next two days fixing the gate and then God rewards him by sending him back down to earth.

And in one of the most shocking twist endings ever it turns out the carpenter was really Jesus himself. So the carpenter (Jesus) goes back down too earth and people were all sorts of shocked.

3.5 helmet stickers out of 5.





*Actually I am not sure whether or not it is a New Yorker vs a French Canadian, but it might be. I am pretty sure it is, but not positive. I could look it up, but I will let you all do that.

745 comments:

1 – 200 of 745   Newer›   Newest»
blue said...

Good stuff tem...and you wanted to give away today's post.

happy tax day

7 games with 17 to go said...

atta boy tem, atta boy
chang your name to Temlonely

weasel was way harsh

H man commeth said...

happy 500

7 games with 17 to go said...

new pic on the way too

ToddPacker said...

nice job on #500, tem

ToddPacker said...

the NHL slogan made me laugh

temlonely said...

new pic too? i guess the rich rod pic doesn't make sense with new name.

blue said...

NHL slogan is hilarity

when they fire Gary Bettman (commish), tem should apply for that job

blue said...

500th post and Jackie Robinson day all in one.

7 games with 17 to go said...

temlonely's pic

7 games with 17 to go said...

I'm wearing #42 today

blue said...

that might really be a picture of tem on one of his trips to hilton head.

ToddPacker said...

looks like it's going to be another rough tps day

blue said...

aren't we all wearing #42, or was just for last year?

ToddPacker said...

i'm wearing #42 with a 500 patch on the right sleeve

H man commeth said...

tps sucks

ToddPacker said...

i'm going to drop a couple of "happy 500th" on co-workers today

ToddPacker said...

"tps sucks"

yes it does

blue said...

"i'm wearing #42 with a 500 patch on the right sleeve"

does it have an advertisement for "chico's bail bonds" on it?

temlonely said...

500th post and JR day?

wow, the only way it would be better if it was also the day taxes are due.

ToddPacker said...

today's 500th comment should win a prize... maybe another tem-party pack like one meiz won

7 games with 17 to go said...

tem enjoys long strolls on the beach

temlonely said...

temlonely pic is nice.

temlonely said...

old man looks lost, like he forgot where his hotel was.

ToddPacker said...

tem is killing me already... 3 saves on a monday

ToddPacker said...

that pic is funny

temlonely said...

"today's 500th comment should win a prize... maybe another tem-party pack like one meiz won"

sure, and maybe i will throw in the TGIF giftcard from X-mas that I have never used.

blue said...

is it worth 18.4¢ per gallon?

7 games with 17 to go said...

500 is like 100 episodes in TV

wheres the cake?

blue said...

"tem is killing me already... 3 saves on a monday"

I haven't had 3 saves total in the 2 weeks combined.

temlonely said...

i have 1 hold all year.

i suspect it will end up less than 10.

ToddPacker said...

""tem is killing me already... 3 saves on a monday"

I haven't had 3 saves total in the 2 weeks combined"


i will beat tem in saves... i think i have 14 closers

temlonely said...

"wheres the cake?"

cake's in the kitchen if you want it.

ToddPacker said...

i think i have 3 holds all year... holds are dumb in a 10 team league, but i think i've already said that

7 games with 17 to go said...

my boss wife made cupcakes and he brought them in, i asked him if it was for the 500th post and he asked me what the fuck i was talking about....

blue said...

I have 3 closers, but 1 is just coming off the DL, one just went on the DL, and the other one, the team has lost 6 of the last 7 games, and he blew his save opportunity last night because he hadn't pitched in over a week.

7 games with 17 to go said...

"but i think i've already said that"

500 times

7 games with 17 to go said...

Borowski stinks

ToddPacker said...

"i asked him if it was for the 500th post"

good work, ep

temlonely said...

office hilarity:

my office is right next to the small conference room.

so quite often people who are meeting in there walk right into my office because they aren't paying attention to where they were going.

usually they walk in, look at me and then slowly back out.

just now some old guy i have never seen before walked in and said "what the fuck are you doing in the conference room?"

i had no response...

ToddPacker said...

"500 times"

funny

blue said...

"just now some old guy i have never seen before walked in and said "what the fuck are you doing in the conference room?""

I'm here to tell you that you're fucking fired.

ToddPacker said...

"so quite often people who are meeting in there walk right into my office because they aren't paying attention to where they were going"

i bet that happens at least 500 times a year

temlonely said...

"is it worth 18.4¢ per gallon?"

i fill up the tank about twice a month. my tank is 13 gallons or so. this proposal saves me $4.78 a month.

i'll put that right into the stock market for sure.

temlonely said...

"I'm here to tell you that you're fucking fired."

that could have worked, especially since i have no clue who he is.

blue said...

awesome

I ♥ nasty legal battles

ToddPacker said...

i fill up my tank 8-10 times a month.... i need to move closer to work

blue said...

"i fill up the tank about twice a month. my tank is 13 gallons or so. this proposal saves me $4.78 a month."

yeah, i figure on a 20 gallon tank filling up once a week for the 15 weeks saves you about $55 total for the summer...yipeee

temlonely said...

"i fill up my tank 8-10 times a month"

wow. that is like 500 times a year.

blue said...

for the 500th post, i'm hoping some of the dead LoV members are resurrected

i'm looking at you MVN, EB, WC, and Rev.

blue said...

freak's bet is looking better every day

7 games with 17 to go said...

oh yeah rev
i guess it's too late to have his name change/pic

7 games with 17 to go said...

no shit

ToddPacker said...

"freak's bet is looking better every day"

pedro's career total for days on the DL:
500

temlonely said...

"The Mets, however, are expected to get a much-needed boost for their bullpen on Tuesday when right-handed setup man Duaner Sanchez is expected to be recalled from Triple-A. Sanchez, who excelled in the eighth-inning role in 2006 before injuring his shoulder in a taxi accident in July of that year, did not pitch at all in 2007"

wow, some taxi accident. kept him out 12 months+

7 games with 17 to go said...

rev's pic

REV , your name will be
10,000 and counting

Happy 500th big fella!

blue said...

EP will appreciate this quote from Former Knicks President, Dave Checketts:

"There is no environment that demands winning. You can watch it on the bench and you see Zach Randolph shoot an airball from three, come out of the game and get congratulated by everybody. I think Jeff Van Gundy would have spit on him."

7 games with 17 to go said...

"wow, some taxi accident. kept him out 12 months+"

NYC taxi's drive at 500 miles per hour.

7 games with 17 to go said...

nice find blue

so true

blue said...

"wow, some taxi accident. kept him out 12 months+"

it was 500 days

blue said...

did anyone else see Kobe talking about his "jumping over the Aston Martin" commercial on PTI?

he compared himself to Rocky

ToddPacker said...

not sure if anyone mentioned this yesterday... florida broke the NC trophy

7 games with 17 to go said...

lebron's dunk last night was manly and primal, just beastly

steve said...

"atta boy tem, atta boy
chang your name to Temlonely

weasel was way harsh"

agreed. somethings are just too cruel to be funny.

7 games with 17 to go said...

that's like dropping the spirit stick

blue said...

Florida has a "backup" trophy just for these circumstances...and just in case tOSU decides to "pull a prank" and steal the trophy (because that's the only way they're going to get their hands on a NC trophy anytime soon)

ToddPacker said...

"somethings are just too cruel to be funny"

like "7 games with 17 to go"

ToddPacker said...

"because that's the only way they're going to get their hands on a NC trophy anytime soon"

they do have the NIT trophy

temlonely said...

i thought NYC taxi's flew and/or hovered.

7 games with 17 to go said...

Jayz vs Soulja boy in round one of the cavs/wiz series

ToddPacker said...

has there been a zeke/steve slapper since zeke's return?

7 games with 17 to go said...

it's unfortunate the Warriors wont be in the show

blue said...

is the nfl draft this weekend? or next?

Beth said...

"somethings are just too cruel to be funny"

This statement goes against the spirt of LOV I thought.

ToddPacker said...

"is the nfl draft this weekend? or next?"

+/- 500 hours

temlonely said...

beth likes cruel.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Early TPS rush. Fuck.



500. Solid milestone

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

More TPS. Motherfuck.

blue said...

500 just doesn't have the same significance in the steroid era of blogging

blue said...

BIO with some quality poop to laugh at today

blue said...

the sneakers discussion made me laugh at him

Beth said...

"beth likes cruel"

I'm a woman, of course I like cruel.

7 games with 17 to go said...

beth for the 500th we should celebrate

Beth said...

You flying me up to NY?

blue said...

sellllll a brate good times...c'mon

JFreak said...

No, I'm flying you down to my pants.

Hi-oh!

Keith S said...

Why did God bring up a carpenter to fix the gates? Are they wooden gates?

7 games with 17 to go said...

jesus was a carpenter

7 games with 17 to go said...

"You flying me up to NY?"

your credit card broke?

Tyler said...

How does your friend owe you 600$ for Arena Football tixs? Don't they charge like 14$ for season tickets?

Beth said...

"your credit card broke?"

So I see all guys in NY aren't as generous as Spitzer...

Tyler said...

That's like 42 years of season tickets.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

ketchup.

7 games with 17 to go said...

"So I see all guys in NY aren't as generous as Spitzer..."

you better have some gold in that cave for me to pay what sptiz was paying that broad

blue said...

I should be a Mayor

Beth said...

Oh come on EP, you must realize that if you added it all up you're "paying" your wife a hell of a lot more than what Spitzer paid his lady on the side.

temlonely said...

HUNGRY

7 games with 17 to go said...

"Oh come on EP, you must realize that if you added it all up you're "paying" your wife a hell of a lot more than what Spitzer paid his lady on the side."

then i'm getting ripped off

Spaceman Spiff said...

eltardo mvp article up

blue said...

lemme guess who he picked

Keith S said...

Pics from the golf tourney are on my blog

iamresurrected said...

please tell me youre the guy doing the hand bob over that girl's head..

Keith S said...

Not me

blue said...

good pictures

blue said...

I like that the hole was sponsored by Ponchos Mexican Food.

And there is a Some Burros mexican food cart there too.

was this scramble the "shit your pants" scramble?

7 games with 17 to go said...

nice work keef

iamresurrected said...

"it'd be a lot cooler if you did.."

Keith S said...

Ponchos just was a sponsor for the hole, they didn't have any food there. Some Burros had a tent set up at that hole. I stayed away from that

blue said...

i just imagine the tilted kilt girls drinking aluminum bottles of bud light and eating burritos in the hot sun all day long

temlonely said...

"Why did God bring up a carpenter to fix the gates? Are they wooden gates?"

apparently so. also why a fat person can break 'em.

Keith S said...

That was our 14th hole, so those chicks were a wreck when we got there.

7 games with 17 to go said...

those panties must have smelled nice...

temlonely said...

"How does your friend owe you 600$ for Arena Football tixs? Don't they charge like 14$ for season tickets?"

we have second row seats. at the 25 yard line. 25 = midfield.

awesome seats. $50 a game.

blue said...

my season tickets for the broncos don't even cost that much, and they play real football

blue said...

but then again, mine are upper deck seats, not 2nd row

temlonely said...

how much are your seats per game?

blue said...

I think they were $43/game last year

blue said...

*42$

temlonely said...

RE: gates of heaven

the real question is who built the gates in the first place and why can't he/she fix them.

temlonely said...

ok, so only 12$ cheaper.

i imagine i make that amount up in concession stand savings each game.

temlonely said...

as beers at the broncos games are probably more expensive than the 5$ I pay.

or 4$ if the cashier isn't paying attention. just give him 4 ones and he just shoves them in the drawer without counting.

7 games with 17 to go said...

Nets / Bobocats

WOWOH!

7 games with 17 to go said...

correction from yesterday
they are 3 rows behind the NETS bench

maybe i'll see jigga man

temlonely said...

"correction from yesterday
they are 3 rows behind the NETS bench"

call frank doogie howser and pretend that it is the most original joke/comment of all time.

and then tell vince that he is a douche.

then tell marcus williams that his NBA live guy is really fucking short compared to everyone else.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Fucking shit. Internet was broken & now its busy as shit

steve said...

I wish we had a Tilted Kilt.

Keith S said...

"ok, so only 12$ cheaper."

$42 - $50 ≠ $12 cheaper

7 games with 17 to go said...

i was contemplating verbally abusing vince carter until he faked an injury

Keith S said...

"I wish we had a Tilted Kilt."

Chicks really aren't that hot. They're just young and stupid

Keith S said...

That should have read $50 - $42 ≠ $12

temlonely said...

"$42 - $50 ≠ $12 cheaper"


the difference is the conversion rate from denver money to columbus money.

Keith S said...

Ah, Denver must be using the US dollar

7 games with 17 to go said...

"Oil breaks $113 - new trading record"

yikes.

steve said...

"They're just young and stupid"


just my type.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

So Tem doesn't care for NBA, but he does play NBA Live?

temlonely said...

tem tried nba live, but didn't really like it.

tem tries to watch the nba but doesn't like it too much.

blue said...

"as beers at the broncos games are probably more expensive than the 5$ I pay."

yes, i think they are 6$

blue said...

for a paper i had to write in one of my grad school classes, i had to convert a company's earnings from euros into USD...it was depressing.

temlonely said...

video game things don't always work that way though.

tem has played grand theft auto, but tem has never car jacked someone then got shot to near death, then picked up a prostitute to nurse tem back to health.

blue said...

the discrepancy was not as bad as dUSD to cUSD...but it was bad

temlonely said...

"yes, i think they are 6$"

denver currency.

blue said...

2nd interview today with an insurance company...it's been 3 weeks waiting...I hope i get this job

temlonely said...

oh FYI I forgot to put on deodorant again today.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"oh FYI I forgot to put on deodorant again today."

Nicely done

temlonely said...

yeah i am dumb.

****wall

temlonely said...

500 prize will not count if it happens after 11:59pm EST.

tfb for the west coasters.

7 games with 17 to go said...

denver has the worst currency

blue said...

"denver has the worst currency"

its because everyone just uses the gold that they dig up in their back yards to pay for everything

iamresurrected said...

i will make sure to post tonight if it gets close, just to be a hater.

blue said...

500

blue said...

not quite

temlonely said...

nobody mentioned that jesus in the movie was black.

temlonely said...

i thought for sure blhitler would mention it.

blue said...

i didn't know who richard roundtree was

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Slow day

blue said...

oh Shaft!!!! duh

blue said...

shaft could be jesus

ToddPacker said...

nice pics, keith

blue said...

"i thought for sure blhitler would mention it."

i'm of the belief that jesus was either black or very dark skinned (middle eastern)

ToddPacker said...

"shaft could be jesus"

shaftus

temlonely said...

Shaft was Jesus.

Or vice versa.

blue said...

that shaftus is a bad motha...(shut yo mouth)...i'm just talking about shaftus

temlonely said...

Jaft

ToddPacker said...

shaft-zoos

ToddPacker said...

i've never seen a shaft movie

ToddPacker said...

i don't think shaft is coLoV

ToddPacker said...

padding the comments with shaft talk

ToddPacker said...

shaft-z

blue said...

when at university, my chaps and I watched the shaft films...as well as the dolemite movies...they were hilarity

ToddPacker said...

blue knows shaft

blue said...

richard roundtree was "the hammer" and played for the KC chiefs if I don't misremember.

ToddPacker said...

i bet shaft made at least 500 movies

temlonely said...

shaft = tv seires too


right?

temlonely said...

"i bet shaft made at least 500 movies"

no but if you add up all the girls he nailed in his movies it is 500.

iamresurrected said...

is shaft the Beth-signal? we shall see...

blue said...

i misremembered..fred williamson was the hammer (black caesar)

ToddPacker said...

there's a news guy here in tampa named reginald roundtree... i wonder if he is related

blue said...

"shaft = tv seires too"

i don't think so...sam jackson played him in the remake of the movie

temlonely said...

2hrs until work is over for me today.

hahahahahaha

blue said...

it was on TV

temlonely said...

technically i was correct

temlonely said...

damn birddogged on the linkage.

ToddPacker said...

he could be related reggie rountree

blue said...

that guy looks too douchetastic to be related to shaft

blue said...

500

blue said...

blue's favorite line from Shaft!:

(talking to a lady) I got to feeling like a machine, and baby, that's no way to feel.

ToddPacker said...

.372 500

temlonely said...

NFL draft is April 26th.

ToddPacker said...

blue messed up my math

ToddPacker said...

newer soon

Spaceman Spiff said...

cummy got a tattoo

blue said...

other great shaft! quotes:

"Hey, where the hell are you going, Shaft?...To get laid, where the hell are you going?"

"What'cha got?...I got laid"

ToddPacker said...

funny link, spiff

ToddPacker said...

that tat has to be fake

7 games with 17 to go said...

guy outside had all windows down and was blasting nickelback




WHAT A FAG.

blue said...

that tatoo is hilarious...it might be H's...band guys always have tats

blue said...

"guy outside had all windows down and was blasting nickelback"

why are you in the village?

ToddPacker said...

"guy outside had all windows down and was blasting nickelback"

wow... mills is in NY the week

temlonely said...

NY has the best guys blasting Nickleback.

temlonely said...

new? old? what?

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"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino