Monday, March 31, 2008


Signed banner from the 1st year of Conseco Fieldhouse. Signed by Mullin!

Signed Bucks flag. I got Chaz Villanueva to write UNC Sucks on it. He was sitting next to David Noel. I got Noel to write Duke Sucks on it. Good times. I was shitbagged for that event.

The new grill for baseball season. Skeet.

My old-school Brew Crew pennants. Big thanks to Pops for getting these for me back in the day. He got 'em @ Game 5 of the '82 Series.

I feel so much better now.

Friday, March 28, 2008

El Padrino's 2008 Beisbol Preview


Mets (92-70) - I'm trying real hard to tone this down. Outside of Arizona the pitching staff is the best in the NL. Couple that with a powerful and fast lineup along with the bad taste of last year's "collapse" and you have one hell of a baseball team. Dogfight of a division, I agree but they will win the 2008 pennant and represent the NL in the show.
Player to watch: David Wright if only for the simple fact that he will win the NL MVP this year.

Braves (89-73) - I really love the 1-2 of Kelly Johnson and this cubano Escobar. Actually when I think about it, Rollins/Victorino & Reyes/Castillo & above mentioned will cause many problems across the NL. We know Chipper will take a couple of weeks off but is still a feared RBI man and Texeira is playing for a contract which, I think, will play out a bit better then it did for Ahn-druw Jones. Listen I hate the Braves ok, but I respect the shit out of them and never count them out until Sep 30th.
Player to watch: Yunel Escobar

Phils (85-77) - It can sound bitter from me but when most people refer to last year's division crown as a "gift" it has to ring a little true. The lineup is there. We know that. Can the pitching/bullpen hold up against the other two NL East teams and for that matter the rest of the NL?
Player to watch: Brad Lidge (when he comes off the DL)

Nationals (71-91) - God Bless Manny Acta. I saw their ballpark and it looks nice. So there's that. The issue I think is this : Odalis Perez, Jason Bergmann, John Lannan, Tim Redding and Matt Chico.
Player to watch: Ryan Zimmerman

Marlins (67-95) - Another year waiting for the young pitchers to "get it". Worse managed team in baseball, no? I don't get it, the talent that has passed through South Beach has been very good. With that said I think they are gonna win the World Series in the next 3 years. Right on schedule.
Player to watch: Andrew Miller


Chicago Cubs (89-73) - This division reminds me of a bowl of puke. It stinks. And the Cubs should take advantage of it. They have a nice lineup, a strong pitching staff and a great manager. Zambrano is going to really give Johan a run at that Cy Young award. I question the Wood thing, thought maybe he'd be better at setting up then closing but Marmol is not a bad fallback.
Player to watch : Fukudome

Milwaukee Brewers (81-81) - Just don't see an instant where they've improved from last year. They have 5 guys in the lineup who can strike out 100 times. And a couple of question marks. Can Dickie Weeks play 6 months of baseball? Will Braun avoid a sophmore slump? Is Ned Yost going to be able to out-coach Dusty, Tony and Sweet Lou? Can Sheets put together a 25+ start year? Also, Prince Fielder is a vegetarian now. I don't think this is something a man should say out loud, especially in Wisconsin. Will Miller Park feature a veggie sausage in the weenie races now?
Player to watch : Ryan Braun

Cincy Reds (80-82) - I say Dusty buys them 8 wins just on principal. Harang and Arroyo will keep them in some games and they have a closer now. Weathers is alot better at setup despite his age, he knows how to pitch. I think Dunn has a career year home run wise. I expect a 50 spot. They have a young kid who looks like he might be dynamite. Cuerto. Definetely a couple of good things happening in Cincy, we might see the Reds make some noise this year and be relevant in the future.
Player to watch : Jay Bruce

Houston Astros (75-87) - Good lord after Roy Oswalt there is nobody that will pitch for the Stros that sport a ERA under 4.5. The offense will be fine from what I can see. Pence might hit 30 HR's, weird looking kid but strong like ox. Tejada, Berkman, Lee, this team will be losing alot of 10-8 games.
Player to watch : Michael Bourne

Pittsburgh Pirates (70-92) - At least they are not last! A decent rotation and a decent pen. Bay will put up better numbers for sure. Seems like there are some pieces there for a future though, for a change.
Player to watch : Nate McClouth

St. Louis Cardinals (65-97) - Worst lineup in the bigs. And once Pujols realizes this he will not only get Tommy John surgery but will also get both kneecaps replaced just like Bruce Smith did when he was 35. I think LaRussa quits this year. He has that "Pat Riley" look in his eyes. Pitching is god awful too. Jeaz-a-loo even the Pirates are better.
Player to watch : Skip Shumacher ?


Colorado Rockies (90-72) - Something about going into camp knowing you can win. They return mostly everyone from that crazy run from last year. A closer than can get "pressure saves", a MVP canidate in Holliday and a franchise SS. Take into effect some serious home field advantage and I like their chances to win this division. They'll own the tiebreaker over those pitch happy Dbags.
Player to watch : Ubaldo Jimenez

Dbags (90 - 72) - Best rotation. Good collection of young talent, some on the verge of stardom (looking at you Upton, Young). If they put it together this year, it's a wrap. They'll win the whole thing. Lyons is a question mark at closer and that could result in a heartbreak in October. Last year they didn't score many runs so most save situations leave little room for error.

Player to watch : Justin Upton

L.A. Dodgers (89 - 73) - I love Loney and Kemp. They will be fine ballplayers. Torre > Little, that's obvious. Emergence of Billingsley will be huge. Furcal with a bounce back year for sure. I don't like Kent's age but he's not the only old guy that a team is hoping can last over the course of the year. Looks like it will shake down at the end with them on the outside looking in by a game. This west division race will be just as exciting as the east. Just more people will show up to the games in the East.
Player to watch : Matt Kemp

San Diego Padres (78-84) - There are just three teams that are better than them. Sure they have pitching but you aren't going to win 1-0 games all the time. I mean Scott fucking Hairston is your starting LF'er and your okay with that?

Player to watch : Chase Headley

San Francisco Giants (62-100) - Tony LaRussa sends Bochy a basket of fruit for saving his ass the embarrassment of having the worst team in baseball. Their september is looking like a 6-22 finish to the 2008 campaign. With nothing on the horizon, as their minor league cubbard is bear or bare.
Player to watch : Tim Lincecum


Mets over Dbags, Cubs over Rockies

Mets over Cubs

Mets over Indians

Editors note: For the sake of being a homer I tried not to pick the Mets but everytime I typed METS came onto the blank screen. That and putting DBAG over M*** or Cubs over M*** just causes too much pain. I'll just say I think an American League team will win, as a supplemental pick of course (Indians).

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Fire Joe Morgan

Yeah, so instead of thinking about/planning something to write about, I've been reading posts from And it was well worth it. Better than reading the rest of this post.

Hmm, sweet 16 starts today right? I suppose I should mention that.

Locks: UNC over Wash St., UCLA over Western Kentucky, Kansas over 'Nova
Upsets: Michigan State over Memphis, Davidson over Wisconsin, West Virginia over Xavier
The other games I haven't mentioned: Tennessee over Louisville, Texas over Stanford

Go with those picks. You will not lose*.

I don't even remember what this video is about, but I put it here a few days ago. It must be good.
Asian drums

This next video is kind of creepy, yet very intriguing.

*You will not lose, but the teams might.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I'd like to teach the world to sing... but y'all are a bunch of tone deaf bitches.

So much for getting in early. Slept through that alarm and barely got it. Already getting shit for it (jokingly). Lick furry ballz. And I just learned I have a Tuesday conference thing that I must attend. Great. When am I getting paid for this? Well, I guess not being at the actual office is payment enough. Or so I tell myself.

I hate when: people mumble outloud to "themselves" but are really doing it just to let you know that they're doing something important. For example, at work.. someone will walk by and do The Mumble trying to let you know that they only look like they're slacking off and BS'ing, but really they are doing some important task and now they are moving on to the next important task. Fuckers. This is especially annoying when the Mumbler is someone who is already a work slob, so it just amplifies their douchbaggeryness times 10. So to IT lady, since you only work here 'cause of your husband.. stop with the faux-working noises. Ya aint foolin shit.

Life imitating art, imitating life.

I don't know what that means.

Neither do you though.

That's why we're all here.

Kobe wants traded? I heard he was going to the Bulls. I have it on good faith that this is a done deal. Luol Dung, Ben Gordon and international sensation(!) Angelo Marteblo are on their way to La-la Land. Isn't it retarded when someone says La-la Land? I want to punch throats. Ya know, I do feel slight remorse every time I say "retarded" and yet I still let it slip in conversation. But the worser thang is when someone chides you and says something about how you should not say it. I'm sorry, sometimes something is just fucking retarded. Sometimes there are key words, which should really be fazed out of everyday conversation, but there are simply no replacements to use. Where douche has become a severly overused and beaten-down word, sometimes there is simply no replacement. Somefuckingtimes I just don't feel the need to stop and censor myself or try to come up with a term that is going to encapsulate my emotions as well as those words will do... and I must use them. So to the lady who gave me a motherly suggestion to "use another word" this past weekend.... go fuck yourself, you retarded fucking douchebag.

And sigh.

And from the no-shit bin making headlines this morning...

"K-State coach thinks Beasley is going to turn pro"

"Hobbled Warriors forward Webber set to retire"

I wish we had more time together, but we dont. So I'm just gonna spooge on ya' fayce and leave. So consider this post a face spooge.


Tuesday, March 25, 2008


WFT is up with women's basketball? First of all, why the heck was a I watching it? I have nobody to blame but myself, but second of all wft? I thought chicks had good fundamentals? I was watching Rutgers play someone and the other team couldn't handle Rutgers full court press. The passes were shitty, nobody could dribble and the big girl for Rutgers traveled every time she touched the ball. The announcers were hilarious because they would say "that looks like a travel, but her pivot foot was locked down." Well I guess technically her pivot foot was locked down, until she changed pivot foots. But after she changed the new was locked down. Also, why is their shot clock 30 seconds and the men's is 35?? Is it because if they made it 35 then the women's game would be even more boring? Also in nappy headed ho related news the girls on Rutgers did not look like nappy headed hos to me. However, most of them were very ugly and their coach looks more like one of those fake people Eddie Murphy plays than a real human. So, wft women's college basketball? wft?

WFT is up with this one lady downstairs? She keeps telling me if I have ever extra tickets to some local event to keep her in mind because her and her husband love going to sporting events. But every time I offer some up (I can't use my Arena tickets this weekend) she says no. And she never has a reason. She is definitely off of the list of people I axe if they want to go. It's not like I am selling her the tickets either. I am giving them away and they are good seats. Fuck you lady downstairs. Also you are getting fatter and everyone notices. Your coworkers talk about it behind your back, because they are all catty bitches too. Eat a fucking salad. Hell, even I have a salad from time to time.

WFT is up with drivers who need about 100 car lengths to merge?? OK, I see your fucking turn signal, I slowed down and made a spot for you to merge. What? A 7 car length spot isn't big enough? Move your fucking car over. What the fuck are you waiting for a written invitation? Does it need to be in script or can a type it? Fuck you miss (sometimes mister) wants to merge, but is afraid to.

So ESPN is showing Dirk hobbling around his practice facility and the dumbfuck is supposed to be seriously injured. So what is he doing? He is walking up and down stairs with no crutches or anything. Just hobbling around with his Tom Brady pre-superbowl boot. WFT you pussy. If you can walk up and down stairs you ain't that hurt. Rub some dirt on it you pussy. And what the fuck is up with the Lil' General? He talks like Leo Getts from Lethal Weapon. Everything is either a joke or he changes his voice inflection at the end to symbolize "do you get it???" If someone axes you when Dirk will be back just say "I don't know."

OK enough temranting. Time for a movie review. This time I am going to review a movie that doesn't even exist: Furry Balls

Furry Balls is the latest Will Ferrel movie. It is about an old tennis pro who is funny. He yells at the ref and generally says funny things. It might be a biography of McEnroe. Anyway, also in this movie are Seth Rogen, the kid from the mac commercials, Queen Latifa (who looks like a fat Beyonce by they way. Seriously, it is like Beyonce looked into a "make you fat and older" mirror.), Robin Williams, the entire cast of 40 Yr Old Virgin, and Forrest Whitaker.

Anyway, so Ferrel is Andre McEnsampras an old tennis pro trying to make one last hurrah. He wants to win Wimbelton one time because it was the Slam that always eluded him. Anyway, the point is put Ferrel in England with tennis and those other people and hilarity ensues. A funny movie, but not worth theatre prices.

2.5 helmet stickers out of 5.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Lazy Monday

I think Lewis Black's show isn't very good at all.

My buddy bought Torino Winter Olympics a couple years ago. It never worked in my old PS2. Now that I have the slim version, it works. Good times. Its hard as fuck. Now I'm trying to acquire 2 classics: ESPN Track And Field, & ESPN Winter Sports 2002.

I need a pure chalk finish to the tournament in order to win. The odds improve as more shitty teams continue to win.

I went to Easter brunch for some reason today. I'm not sure why. The buffet sucked balls, just like it did 3 years ago. Alpine Village. I can't recommend it at all.

I got my last Brewers pennant back on Friday. The dude I thought that was being a dick about it just gave it to me when I asked. I guess I underestimated him. He's usually a dick about shit like that.

Tem, I'm mailing you $40 for FMLB today. 20 from me, 20 from Delux.

Fuck Duke. All the times in the past I picked them to go to the title game because they were clearly good enough, they never did. Now this year I picked them to go because I didn't think they could do it, figuring they would once again go against my logic. Well those fuckers screwed me again. Fuck Duke.

Time for some music. I''l be back.

Fuck you, I happen to like pop music.

A couple daily visits for me:
Steve Czaban. I like Czabe even though he's a little too far right for me.
Kotaku. Video game blog in the Gawker family. Freak knows about this place, I believe.
Consumerist. One of my favorite sites. I've actually become a commenter here.
Uni Watch. What can I say? A good blog. I like the quirkiness of the whole thing. Lukas just got a 2 year deal from WWL. Kind of a bummer for "us", but good for him. I like this place.

Keith, how is "Fuckin' Wit The Wrong Nigga" in your opinion? Have you loaded it yet?

It bugs me to see people making pre-season FMLB moves. Do they know something I don't? Do they just dislike their teams? Personally, I'm comfortable with my team.

I've gone too long. Go UNC.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Weekend unBliss

Screw you, Eric Gordon and Dan Dakich.

We need a new post. The other one takes too long to scroll to the comments.

Plus, the Madness of March variety merits it's own comment section.

Don't suck.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Keef's AL Preview 2008

2008 American League Preview

AL East

Yankees: I hate picking the Yankees, but they’ll win the East going away. The only move they made in the off-season was adding LaTroy Hawkins but Girardi will get 100+ wins out of this team. That lineup is effing ridiculous. They have 7 guys who could score 100 runs. The rotation is kind of iffy, but I think Hughes and Kennedy are going to have breakout years. If Moose can get them 10 wins and 150+ IP, and Pettitte can get 13-14 wins and 200 IP, they’ll be ok. And now that Joba is moving back to the ‘pen, the 8th and 9th innings will be taken care of again. They need to get a decent lefty in there, though.

Player to watch: Phil Hughes

Projected finish: 101-61 (1st place)

Red Sox: Bad things are going to happen for the Sawx this year. That’s how karma works. This year will start the fall of all Boston sports teams. Beckett’s back injury will be an issue. Schilling’s (fill in the blank) injury will be an issue. Dice-K just had a kid, and he’ll pitch “opening day” in Japan, so it will just go downhill from there. The bottom 3 of the rotation will comprise of any combination of Wakefield/Lester/Colon/Buchholz. Pitching is going to kill them this year. Papelbon won’t have a 1.85 ERA again. Lowell got paid, so he’s done. JD Drew, ‘nuf said. Jason Varitek is 36, no way he plays more than 120 games. Plus, it’ll take them a few weeks to get over the traveling back and forth to Japan. They’ll finish 2nd in the AL East, but only because the rest of the teams aren’t good either.

Player to watch: Jacoby Ellsbury

Projected finish: 87-75 (2nd place)

Rays: I’m on the Tampa bandwagon, and not because they dropped the Devil from their name. Finishing in 3rd place in the AL East will be a big accomplishment for this team. I really like their lineup. Crawford, Upton, and Pena are studs. Longoria will be ROY. They need to do something with Baldelli, though. Give him some HGH or something, get him on the field. Their offense is going to put up a lot of runs, and they will need to because the starting rotation is shaky at best. Kazmir (ex-Met) will miss opening day, but if he can get healthy, him & Shields are a decent 1-2 punch. The rest of the rotation is poo-poo. I like the Percival signing to take over the closer’s role. Reyes is better served to be a setup man, not a closer. Their bullpen is ok, but they’re going to get a lot of work this year.

Player to watch: Scott Kazmir

Projected finish: 81-81 (3rd place)

Blue Jays: I don’t know what to expect from this Toronto team. They could win 90 or they could lose 90. I’m going to go with the latter. The East is just too tough for them. I think they take a step back this year and fall to 4th place. The only star they have on this team is Alex Rios. Eckstein and Rolen on the left side of the infield would be great, except that it’s 2008. I don’t think you’ll see that quote in their program this year. They will struggle to score runs. The pitching staff all comes down to BJ Ryan being healthy. They say he’s going to be healthy by Opening Day, but there’s probably only a 70% chance he lasts the entire year. Tommy John surgery is no joke. Halladay is the only starter who will pitch anywhere close to 200 IP. This team bores me. I’m done talking about them.

Player to watch: BJ Ryan

Projected finish: 74-88 (4th place)

Orioles: This team is B-A-D, and not Michael Jackson Bad. If they don’t lose 100 games it will be a good year for them. I’ve heard of about 7 guys on their 25-man roster. Brian Roberts will probably be traded before July, same with Ramon Hernandez. They have a couple of young studs in the OF in Markakis and Adam Jones (Not Pac Man). If Jones can become a .300/20HR/90RBI/90R/20SB guy, and Sherrill can become a decent closer, then that will justify the Bedard trade. The rotation is a who’s who of “who are these fuckin’ guys”.. The “veterans” in the rotation are Daniel Cabrera and Steve Trachsel (ex-Met). If Mazzone was still there, he would rock himself into Chesapeake Bay. The O’s are about 5-6 years from being relevant again.

Player to watch: Adam Jones

Projected finish: 57-105 (5th place)

AL Central

Tigers: I hate the D, but they have put together a stacked team. Their lineup is not far behind the Yankees, and their pitching staff is better. I think Granderson follows up last season’s breakout with even better numbers this year. He’ll score 140 runs. Magglio, Guillen, and Sheffield need to stay healthy, though. Cabrera needs to stop eating. Renteria needs to forget his last AL stint. Polanco needs to keep being Polanco. Play solid D and get on base a lot. It’ll be interesting to see how Dontrelle adjusts to the AL. He was not good last year, but he could put up the same numbers this year, and with that offense he’ll win 5-7 more games. The bullpen is going to have to bend but not break until Zumaya gets back, right around the All-Star break. Hopefully he stays away from the Guitar Hero until then. Verlander is going to be ridiculous this year. Go ahead and pencil him in for 20 wins. Bonderman needs to bounce back, and the Gambler needs to stop putting poop on his hands.

Player to watch: Dontrelle Willis

Projected finish: 99-63 (1st place)

Indians: Last year’s ALCS collapse is going to hang over their heads in a “1997 World Series” kind of way.. They are going to go all out to get back to that spot and lose again. They have a ton of firepower on offense, so scoring runs won’t be a problem. Sizemore, Hafner, Garko, Martinez, & Peralta are a good nucleus. I think CC takes a big step back this year. He pitched way over his head in 2007. Topping out at 15 wins isn’t bad, but the ERA won’t be 3.21 again. Carmona is for real, though. He’ll be an All-Star this year. If they can get 35 wins out of Byrd/Westbrook/Lee/Sower/Laffey, they’ll probably be happy with that. The bullpen is solid, too. Borowski has a high ERA, but he does the job. If he falters at all, Betancourt could step right in. Plus, they signed some dude from Japan named Kobayashi, so they’ve got that going for them….which is nice. Apparently he saved a lot of games in Japan.

Player to watch: Asdrubal Cabrera

Projected finish: 90-72 (2nd place, Wild Card)

Twins: Call me crazy, but I don’t think the Twins drop off that much this year. They’ll stay in the race until August. Yeah, they lost Torii & Johan, but they got some good young talent in return. They need Cuddyer & Morneau to bounce back this year, and getting more than 110 games from Mauer will be key. Delmon Young is going to go buck wild in the homer dome. Carlos Gomez (ex-Met) just needs to keep it on the ground and use his speed to beat out everything. Their rotation all hinges on Liriano coming back at a minimum of 90%. If he can do that…Johan who? Livan Hernandez is still fat, but his fat ass will give you 200 IP. They have one of the top bullpens in baseball, too. In 2-3 years they’ll be battling for the division crown again.

Player to watch: Delmon Young

Projected finish: 87-75 (3rd place)

Royals: Their manager’s name is Trey. Their closer’s name is Joakim. That’s about as interesting as it gets in KC these days. But they’re getting better. Alex Gordon needs to erase the first half of last year from his mind, and build on his 2nd half. Teahan & DeJesus are good young players. They paid a lot of money for Jose Guillen, but they have to do that because they’re the Royals and nobody will play for them, otherwise. They did it last year with Gil Meche, and he had an ok year. Not many wins, but over 200 IP and a decent ERA. If Brian Bannister (ex-Met) can continue his success from last year, they have a decent 1-2 in the rotation. Hopefully Zach Greinke has his anxiety issues behind him, because he’s got a lot of talent. They need to keep Luke Hochevar in the minors to start the season and let him build some more confidence, and bring him up in September like they did last year. One more year and he’ll be an anchor in the rotation.

Player to watch: Alex Gordon

Projected finish: 75-87 (4th place)

White Sox: Things are not looking good on the South Side. They are a long, long way from their World Series title. The offense could possibly be the worst in MLB. They won’t score a lot of runs this year, and the pitching staff won’t keep guys off the bases. Sorry Jug, but it’s going to be a loooooooong year. Ozzie might drop an F-bomb or two this year. The bright spot for this team is Bobby Jenks, but he’ll get about 30 save opportunities the entire year. Not good times.

Player to watch: Carlos Quentin

Projected finish: 66-96 (5th place)

AL West

Angels: If they can keep their rotation healthy, this team could win it all. But Lackey is having arm problems and will be out a month, and Escobar is having shoulder issues. Weaver, Santana, Garland, & Saunders need to carry the load for the 1st month. It’s a good thing they have a ri-goddamn-diculous offense, a solid defense, and a deep bullpen. Torii Hunter being in CF should take some pressure off of Matthews, Jr and keep him out of the trainer’s room. Howie Kendrick has his breakout year this season, and nobody will notice, except spiffg, because Hunter, Vlad, & Matthews will get all of the pub. The Angels will run away from the pack in the West.

Player to watch: Howie Kendrick

Projected finish: 95-67 (1st place)

Rangers: I don’t understand this team.. I don’t get the Josh Hamilton trade. I don’t understand the Milton Bradley signing. They’ll score some runs in that bandbox, but they’ll give up a lot, too. There’s not a person in that rotation that will have an ERA under 4.50. Good thing for them, the M’s & A’s are worse than they are. Their bullpen is ok, but they’re going to be out on the mound a lot this year. They might have to go with 15 pitchers on the roster this year.

Player to watch: Jarrod Saltalamacchia

Projected finish: 80-82 (2nd place)

Mariners: First, the good news. The top of the rotation is as solid as it gets in MLB. The Bedard trade will take a lot of pressure off of Felix, and he’ll thrive in the #2 spot. JJ Putz is as good as it gets for the closer position, too. Now for the bad news. That offense is horrendous. I feel bad for Ichiro because he has nobody around him. This team will average about 3.5 runs per game. They’re going to need Carlos Silva to earn every penny of that $48 million they threw at him this winter. It’s probably time they took Sexson and Beltre out behind the barn and put them out of their misery. The M’s are spending way too much money to finish below .500.

Player to watch: Felix Hernandez

Projected finish: 79-83 (3rd place)

A’s: The A’s have a good bullpen. That’s it. They won’t have their #1 pitcher by the time July rolls around. Rich Harden would be a badass if he wasn’t so fragile. They have some good young players (Buck, Barton, Ellis), but not nearly enough to do any damage this year. Just looking at the rotation right now makes me want to throw up. I’m embarrassed that this is one of the teams that will be representing MLB in Japan. It’s going to be a long year in the Bay Area. At least they have the Warriors.

Player to watch: Travis Buck

Projected finish: 75-87 (4th place)

AL MVP: Vladimir Guerrero

AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander

AL ROY: Evan Longoria



NYY over Cleveland in 5

Detroit over LAA in 5


Detroit over NYY in 6

Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Madness begins

This is the most important link today.

I was going to give you my picks, but I've decided against it. Because I'm a moron, and you don't want to hear what I have to say. I have Butler in the Eight Elites.

On ESPN you can fill out 10 brackets. I've done about 4 of them with just ridiculous picks. 1 each of each (good) Indiana team winning (screw you Purdue). And one other that was like all upsets.

Elton Brand has been in the NBA since 1999? Holy cow.

A sofa king, we todd did video.

Sofa King We Todd Did

I really don't have anything else to say.

Expect live blogging from my couch today.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I shall grant you greater riches than you could ever imagine

So follow along closely, you ungrateful bastardos. It's 100% March Madneww all up in this mofo today...

You've been pouring over your bracket, dutifully studying your RPI rankings and the ASE rankings and the QRR stats. Hell, you even have a binder made up with teams listed alphabetical by conference and then a second one to take into the shitter, sorted by color. Way to go. But fuck that shit. Hit "Print" on this page and you'll be all set. Well, don't just hit print.. you might wanna do a "selection" first, cause otherwise you'll end up with stuff like one of Freak's posts and then you'll just waste paper. But bottom line is.. print this as a guide and not as a wiper. Then bet your entire life savings on these games and your bank account will thank me. Also your new leopard print couch, oversized disco ball and stripper pole in your bedroom will thank me. Your satisfaction is all I need. We will work as one to achieve greatness. Or something. Sip morning beverage, read along.

Greensboro bracket, i dont know what region that is. We'll call it the Upper Left Corner bracket. here we go:

UCONN over Cornell, TX over Minny, Old Dominatrix over Liberty, VA over UC Santa Barbara, Auburn over George Wash, Whale's Vageen over Cal, Gtech over Iowa St and Rutgers Race Card over Robert Morris.

Then.. UConn over TX, OD over VA, Auburn over Vageen, Race Card over Gtech.

Followed by UConn over OD, Race over Auburn. Then UConn trumps Race Card to get all up in the first Final Four spot.

Spokane, aka the Bottom Left Region:

Maryland over Coppin State, Xavier McDaniel over Nebraska, N.Mex over WVU, Vandy over Montana, Wyoming over Pitt, Baylor over Fresno St, W Kentucky over UTEP, Stanford over Cleve. St.

Which leads us to Maryland over McDaniel, N.Mex over Vandy, Wyom over Baylor, Stanford over W.Kent.

Mary over Vandy, Standford over Wyom. Stanford back door cuts its way into the Final Whore.

The Upper Right Corner in the Big Sleazy, New Ohhhhhh-leens.

UNC over Bucknell, GA over IA, Chattanooga over Kansas St, Louisville over Miami (OH), FSU over tOSU, OK ST. over E. Tenn St, Depaul over Marist, LSU over Jesse Jackson State.

UNC over GA, Louisville over Chatty, OK ST over FSU, LSU over Depaul.

Louisville over UNC, LSU over OK ST.

Louisville over LSU, so Louie Louie to the Tournament of Roses.

Last and very much least, the Bottom Right Thing that's down in Oklahoma City.

Tenn over Oral Roberts, Utah over Purdue, in the battle for domination of our souls Note-er Dame over S. Methodist, Ill. St over Oklahoma (way to dick it up in your own house), Temple over ASU, Duke over Murray St, 'Cuse over Hartford, Texas A&M over Tx-San Antonio.

Tenn over Utah, N. Dame over Ill. St, Temple over Duke, A&M over Cuse.

Tenn over Ill. St, Temple over A&M.

Temple over Tenn. Temple all up in that bitch.

So to recap, because I know none of you care to use the brainpower to remember what was written (don't blame ya).. that is UCONN vs Stanford and Louisville vs Temple for the Foe'.

UCONN will beat Louisville for the champyeeunship. I just came in my pants. No, really.

Go forth and make some large dolla billz with this guide.

Yer Welcome.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I have no pictures

I have no pictures to post. In fact I dislike cameras and I dislike pictures. I have no logical reason for this. This should surprise no one because I hardly ever have a logical reason for hating things. One would think this is a commentary on me, but it isn't really. I think lots of people hate things for no good reason. It's just that I post about them on a blog that more than 5 people read.

I'm not going to talk much about the NCAAs, but I will say my upset pick is Winthrop. Also I secretly like WVU's chances to make it to the Sweet 16, but on the other hand I non-secretly figure they will get blown out by Arizona. In NIT news today is the day that I find out whether or not I will my bet with the CFO as to whether or not Ohio State would win 20 games this year. I said no, he said yes. They are 19 and something and play tonight. Against the tall guy. 100% chance the tall guy blocks one of Doufus' lay up attempts. Doufus is the freshman center for OSU who is like 7'1" but hardly ever dunks. He is from Ohio, but plays like a soft Euro. Apparently his parents are Greek or something.

How did Adam Carolla get on Dancing with the Stars? He realizes this is the equivalent of putting the final nail in your own coffin right?

I really don't have much else to talk about. I think that makes me a partial failure. Which is par for the course. If you don't like it GFY.

Movie review of a movie tem has never seen before: El Pad's #70 movie Judgement Night

This movie is an offshoot of the Terminator Movies. Instead of Judgement Day, It is Judgement Night. Same concept, computers try to take over the world by blowing up humans. But instead of hapening during the day, it happens at night. This means there are more scenes with night vision goggles. Also, because it is at night there are lots of instances of robots busting into homes while people are having sex. Lots of boobage is seen, so that is nice.

Anyway, so the robots are trying to kill everyone at night, but one robot is good and trying to save everyone. But its dark outside so he constantly kills the wrong people. It is hilarity. I really think this movie inspired the Wayans brothers to do all of their spoofs. This movie isn't meant to be a spoof, but the unintentional comedy is off the hook. Danny DeVito is the most powerful evil robot. Hilarity. Kirstie Alley is the good robot. Kirstie Alley as an action star is Hilarity Squared.

The movie ends with Kirstie accidentally killing the last human, remember it is dark out and not her fault. An odd ending for sure.

4 helmet stickers out of 5. Lots of unintentional comedy, but it inspired too many spoof movies.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Mayonnaise colored Benz...

Yada yada yada Tournament blah blah blah.

On to the pics.

A pie from Sal's. Top quality shit.

Pops got me this new Drill/Driver for my birthday. Note to the young buck, Get tools. Tools are a necessity for adult life. I got Sabrina a $100 dollar mechanic's set. I'm sure he and his wife shook their heads at it. Foolish. You need tools. He once took TWO HOURS TO CHANGE A CAR BATTERY. A decent set of tools would have cut it to 10 minutes. Get yourself some tools. Freak, I'm looking at you.

The new fishing book. Gotta have it so I know what to fish, when to fish it, & how to fish it. Very helpful so far.

I also got Will Leitch's book. So far, its pretty good. Seems to think like many of us.

EP, if need be, Leitch lives in the BK. Beat him down if you have to.

Freak, pick a basketball team & stick to it.

Keith, ASU not getting in isn't a travesty.

Jug, I got the ChiSox over 77 wins.

TP, my great great grandfather knew your dad.

I also bought that "Eat This, Not This" book. Pretty interesting.

I'm out of steam, even though I'm not as hammered as usual. That will change.

Where are my fucking Brewers tickets. If I get fucked over, I'm raising hell. Believe that.

Comment away.

Finish the Title Line.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Gnome in South America is terrorizing kids

Stuff doesn't work on my computer. I gotta call a tech i guess.

#1 seeds should be UCLA, NC, Memphis, Ten
if Duke wins the ACC tourney then I would have them knocking NC down to a 2.

Janet said that's the way love goes.

Michigan might win the Big Ten tourney. So might WVU (Big East). But I don't think neither will happen.

My email is down. He has to timbuktu into my computer. This will end badly.

Clark Duncan reminds me of Shaq in The Green Mile. Speaking of that character I wish he would suck this shit out of me, still not feeling my oats. Whatever that means.

I think I'm going to name my next kid something totally opposite of my ethnicity. For instance if I have a boy I'm leaning towards Jamal. Just to fuck with the world. Could you imagine a teacher on the first day of school, Jamal *********, and a little white boy says "Here" in a meek first day of school scared voice, and she looks up at him and huffs..... When your name is called say here! And Jamal says "here" again. Bewilderedment ensues.

Or a girl, name her fucking Uniqua or Prama (Indian, not Indian like the ones that Columbus porked but the other one). That would be fun.

Tomorrow is Saturday ANNNNNNND our LOV beisbol draft. Don't forget.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

I have the March Madness

I'm so ready for the tourney that I watched the Portland State - Northern Arizona game last night. Portland has this 5'6" PG who's really high energy. They'll lose in the first round pretty easy, but it'll be fun to watch.

From the shocking news department: Rocco Baldelli is on the DL.

Saw Kevin Durant in person on Tuesday. I was none too impressed. All he seemed to do was jack up a bunch of shots. And he looked really weird running. His shorts would ride up really far and he would look like John Stockton.

I cringe every time Kareem Rush takes a shot. He was 1-6 on jump shots. It was awful awful. And he's open on every shot.

The only women's basketball note I'll ever make...Colorado St., who is gawd-awful at 3-27 entered the Moutain West tourney up against the number 1 seed, Utah. Utah was 27-3 before the game and ranked 13th in the nation. CSU won going away, 60-52. All we can hope for now is that Colorado State wins out, and a basketball team that is +20 games under .500 makes the tourney.

Apparently the hefty lefty wasn't getting it done in Giant land. So they signed David Carr. Every team Carr is on sucks. It'll be fun to see how the giants fall apart.

I don't think I'll be able to adjust to just calling them the "Rays".

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Shaq: The new Vince Carter

Has anybody else wondered why Shaq seems like he is getting a free pass for being "revitalized" in Phoenix when really it seems more like he has been sandbagging? He is even showing Vince Carter a thing or two and that's saying something. Hey Vince, don't just cry and play the "trade me" game, you gotta try starting with a nickname n' shit too. I personally like to go with "The Big _____" cause I'm big. Maybe you could do something like "The Flying _____". Although "The Flying Cactus" might sound kinda um, shitty.. so don't get traded here. Stay away from the desert, mmkay? Come to think of it, The Flying Raptor has a nice ring to it. Although "The Dunking million dollar bitch ass little fucker" also has a certain je ne sais quoi. Maybe you can whine now that your PG is gone and force a trade back to Oh Canada. First thing I think of when hearing "Canada" is a brotha' playing hoops. Sure thing.

Moving along... or back to the task at hand. So, Shaq. The Big Cocktus is pretty lame. I'd feel more comfortable calling him The Big Douchestick. Wait, I think that's even lamer. Oh well. Now they are overplaying that stupid clip of him diving into the stands after the big orange ball. Reedikkalus. Ric Bucher or somebody said 'notice how all these clips of him diving were at home games... he knows what he's doing. he is media savvy'. And then when he wouldn't let Duncan help him up off the flo'... that's just dumb. It seemed insanely forced. I mean I understand that there is beef between the two teams, but he was never a part of it.. so now he has taken on the role of "Super Teammate" and trying to prove how dedicated he is. Dedicated? Negro, you are fucking up the rotation! The Suns used to be decent. They somehow lost all the firepower and blow ass. Do you think he was Super Teammate when he was back in Mee-ah-mo 2 months ago, sucking major fat Rhinoceros pole and not playing or just playing shitty? Or basically the last couple years since the championship, being injured all the damn time and playing jack shit for games. "Well, he was hurt". Which is why he can come back from a hip injury that sidelined him for at least a month or so (I ain't fact checking. I'm trying to get in at the Sporting News) and then start diving into the stands all of a sudden? What about him playing super-spaz defense and looking like he basically gives a shit while he's on the floor? Looking like he's 'energized'. More like "My team doesn't munch monster amounts of chode anymore, so I think I have found it within me to want to try again. Remember, I'm only getting paid $20 million per. This shit is tough". Just watching him play in these few games, he seems like he's basically just turned it on. He looks like he's actually putting forth effort. He is revitalized!!! Cracker pleeze, ma'fugger is a sandbagging whoremonger! Maybe it's a bit of spite that I have for him because I don't consider him "talented" by any stretch. Yes, it's amazing that a man that big can move how he moves... but I just don't see him being a great basketball player. By any stretch. He is bigger than people and he simply runs over them. Yeefrickinhaw. That does not make me think he is talented. Being force-fed that he is one of, or the greatest, hoops-ske-teer evar. I just don't buy it. I enjoy seeing him on the downside of his career cause he is slow and tries to do the same crap he did the rest of his career (bowl people over) and now he occasionally gets fouls called on him. It's amazing!

Oh fuck it, bottom line is I hate him and want to see him fail. GFY.

-Whatever happened to the Patty Swayze story? Is he dead yet? I'll remember his bitch ass from Dirty Dancing and mostly Ghost. Bitch. (RIP though man.. sucks to get whatever the hell u got.)

-Ya know what grinds my gears (thanks dad)... people that emphasize things for no reason while speaking. For example, saying a phone number to someone... if you have have a number that has very similiar numbers, you can emphasize the ones that are different to point out the differences to the idiot that you're speaking to. Like if you had 608-618-6088, you can see the person emphasizing the 6-ONE-8 part to point out the difference. Okay, I can dig that. Not that I would do it, cause I am more geared to being as unhelpful as possible, but I can understand it. However, I have no understanding of those that say a number like 524-378-0192 and throwing out a 3-SEVEN-8 with the "oh lookout, we're changing up numbers here!" tone to their voice. I just straight up want to beat that person to death with a floppy, worn out pair of velcro shoes. There is no reason to do the "voice emphasis" thing. It doesn't make any sense. Just stop. This message will hopefully be delivered to the Doose that sits near me. Stop or El Pad will hire some people to rip out your larynx. And I will pay him for it. That's right, bitch. I'm implicating myself right here and now. They'll tear it out and it will be bloody and messy and there is a good chance I will pay the extra couple hundred to have them defecate on you simply for the humilation factor. And I will probably laugh. Well shit, I guess I should since I'm gonna be paying a pretty penny for it. The humiliation part is key. You can only harm the body, but you can destroy the spirit. Remember that, kids.

I am getting a semi-promotion. I thought I was gonna get nailed for coming in late every.. single..damn.. day or taking long lunches or just sucking in general, but apparently they want me to tail the supervisor guy for awhile before he retires. Supposedly money is coming as well. This means dragging my ass downtown on Wednesdays for some sort of meeting. It's midday, so don't anybody go off themselves thinking that I won't be posting. Fret not, ye minions.

-The saxophone was an essential and vital part of the 80's sound. "Who can it be now" would just not be the same. Also, the ALF theme song just wouldn't be the same.

Basically, life as we know it would cease to exist had the saxophone not been an integral part of the 80's music scene. Ba'lee dat.

-I don't understand what the song "Tears of a Clown" is all about. Granted, I haven't really invested any time in figuring it out... but at first glance, I don't know where they're headed with that one.

-Don't put your thoughts in the comments cause no one gives a shit.

Thanks and have a great day!

For Tem:

How to make an omelet (chick is kind of hot):

How to make scrambled eggs (chick is REALLY hot):

How to fry and egg (dood is a kind of a doosh):

And there you go.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Things I Should Know But Don't

Well the title says it all. Unless you are dumb. Then I can't help you. Anyway, feel free to answer these questions in the comments section.

1) Do planes float? The airlines show a picture of the plane floating in the event of a water landing, but then tell me to get out of the plane and use my seat cushion to float around. Now, if the plane floats why the hell wouldn't I just chill in it? Or at the very least on it. Why would I want to get in the water? And if the plane sinks how about telling me how long I have to get off the plane and into the water. Is it minutes, hours? Do I need to trample some folk to save my ass? This is info I should have.

2) How does an iron work? I get the concept, some water, some heat, some steam, flat clothes. But why does the iron have different levels? What is the difference between the 3 steam puff setting and the 1 steam puff setting? Seemingly more steam, why do I need more steam? There is a heat setting too? Some clothes can't handle heat?

3) How many players play for each team during soccer? Seriously, I don't know this. 9? 10? 11? It has to be something like that.

4) How to cook an egg. I haven't a clue. I can guess how to do scrambled, but that's about it. Sunny side up? I don't know. Also I wouldn't have a clue how to tell when the thing was done. Can you burn eggs? I assume so. Is it bad to eat them undercooked? I don't know.

5) How the fuck do the following people still have jobs?
  • Bill Simmons
  • Dan Shanoff
  • Steven A Smith
  • Matt Millen
  • Me

6) The difference between affect and effect. Other than one starts with an 'a' and the other doesn't.

7) Where they get the dumbasses for Wheel of Fortune.

8) Where they get the smart fuckers for Jeopardy.

9) Why do mean people get jobs as flight attendants? I think 1 in 3 flight attendants is a mean bastard and/or bitch.

10) What I am supposed to do if I am on a bridge and it collapses into water? Do I let the car sink to the bottom then get out? Get out as fast as possible? Do I jump out on the way down? What is the protocol for this? This should be on a sign before you get onto the bridge.

11) How does my Glade plug in work? It has settings numbered 1 through 5. Is 5 fastest? Is 1? Shouldn't have this thing come with instructions?

OK that is enough of things I don't know. I would go on, but eventually I would give away the secret that I am stupid.

NHL Update: Detriot still has the most points. They rock.

AFL Update: The Destroyers are 0-2. They don't rock. I get to finally see them in person this Saturday. If it is on TV look for the back of my head in row 2 at midfield. I'll report back as to whether or not Vrabel still sits next to me. I will not make fun of him for losing the SB as he is a lot bigger than me.

Movie review of a movie tem has never seen: The Pink Panther

This movie is some sort of action movie about a gay panther. Frankly I just don't get it. But anyway the panther keeps attacking villagers and doing gay things to them. So the villagers get fed up with it and call in Val Kilmer to kill the panther. So Kilmer comes in and is tracking the panther but keeps getting tricked by some villager who is all into the panther. The villager failed to realize that Kilmer was Iceman and some laser genius so he totally gets killed by Val. Anyway at the end of the movie the panther tells Val that his name is gay and Val agrees. He changes his name to Kyle and then kills the panther.

At the end some other gay panther tells Kyle that his new name is even gayer. I guess there is going to be a sequel.

1 helmet sticker out of 5. It would have been 0, but any movie with Val Kilmer in it gets at least 1.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Fishing Tackle

I'm still not a fan of how photos are formatted now.

Top level of the new tackle box

Middle level

Bottom level



If you want, print out Saturday's Nascar results and get a free order of curly fries at Arby's.

I'm eating home made dill pickles.

Again, I have very little to say. I'm drunk.

Comment away.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Top 40 brought to you by Casey Casem

The top five from each position.


Victor Martinez (CLE) - Easily the #1 catcher on the board. His numbers last year were career best and he is 29 years old. Victor has stroked 20 or more HR's each of the past 4 years and has eligibility at first base which gives you flexibility.

Joe Mauer (MIN)- Injury plagued 2007 campaign has made some Fantasy owners sour on this natural hitting machine but not me. I think he comes in to this year somewhat undervalued. Despite the injuries he still had 119 hits in only 406 ab's. Projected hit total this year I'd say should hover around 150.

Russell Martin (LAD)- Russell heads into this season a ripe 25 years old and after busting out on the scene last year fantasy owners are drooling over adding him to thier roster. My only crutch, if there is one, is he will rest a bit more and you will probably get a little less in the SB category. Although a precedent set forth by Jason Kendall's career proves otherwise : JKendall had 20+ stolen bases three years in a row from ages 24-26.

Jorge Posada (NYY) - I have to put him in the TOP 5 just based on his second half last year = .355-11-41-45. But I do expect a dip. I mean last year was a career year, no question because it was his FA year but still. He's always had pop and always drove in runs. With McCann being only 24 and lacking plate discipline I have to put curious George ahead of him.

Brian McCann (ATL) - After a unbelievable 2006 McCann crashed back to earth with a ub .270 avg in 501 AB's. But he did finish strong and has the potential to hit 20, drive in 100 and hit for a higher average. He turns 24 this year.

Sleeper Catcher : Chris Snyder (AZ)

First Base.

Albert Pujols (STL)- No arguement here I assume. Unless you point to his injuries. Even so, his production with those said injuries is still impressive. For some reason I hate him but that's neither here nor there. Probably #3 or #4 pick overall.

Prince Fielder (MIL)- I have to put him ahead of that animal in Philly because of his improved plate discipline. Strike-out to walk ratio improved dramatically in the 2nd half to a tune of 49-49. While pitchers pitch around him that adds to his OBP because he don't chase. I'm projecting 51 dingers, 129 Ribs and a .300 or so average which would be monstrous.

Ryan Howard (PHI)- He might hit 60 this year. But the sub .270 average kills it for me. That and he streaks. If he is your #1 pick and goes on a 2 week stretch with only 2 HR's and 9 Ribs then your losing both those weeks unless you got a overall solid team. 200 K's don't help anyone either.

Mark Teixeira (ATL) - 17 of his 30 HR's last year were hit after the trade. This guy flat out hits the baseball. Last year's numbers were impressive and he missed a month with a Quad injury. If he gets his 600 AB's he's in the 40HR, 120 RIB plateau. And he's 28 and playing for a long-term deal.

Derrek Lee (CHC) - Consistent .300 hitter, with a chance at a 35+ HR season. That wrist injury was gnarly but he responded in the second half of last year belting 16 of his 22 HR's. He should easily score and drive in 100 runs.

Sleeper : Joey Votto (CIN)

Second Basemen.

Chase Utley (PHI) - Head and shoulders above everyone else. Not even close.

Robinson Cano (NYY) - This is the year he peaks. .325, 23HR's, 99 RBI's, 106 Runs scored. Bank it.

Brandon Pillips (CIN) - Finally turned into the blue-chipper scouts said he would. A 30-30 guy at 2b? Damn straight. And I see no reason for that not to happen this year.

B.J. Upton (TB) - Given the depth (not) of the 2b position it makes sense for you to draft Upton for 2b and always have that OF position flexibility. This kid is for real. Despite missing a month he still turned in very good numbers and is only 23 years old.

Brian Roberts (BAL) - Nothing special except for those 50 robberies last year but he's consistent. You'll get your numbers eventually and his slumps don't last long. Best case scenario is he gets moved in July to a contender.

Sleeper : 2nd basemen suck, i guess go with Jose Lopez (SEA) because he's young


Jose Reyes (NYM) - 1. But you can't go wrong with 1A or 1B. For my money to never have to worry about SB's I go Reyes and watch the power numbers increase. He is more focused this year than ever and that is scary. Guys he's 24 years old with 3 years of 600 AB's or more.
1A Hanley Ramirez (FLA)- Read 1B.

1B Jimmy Rollins (PHI) - Ramirez really arrived last year and Rollins put together a MVP season. I don't expect Rollin's numbers to go north from last year but I do think Hanley may finish with a higher average. Deepest position in the bigs for sure.

Troy Tulowitzki (COL) - Strong, strong second half that resulted in some very impressive numbers. With his confidence sky high headed into this year I think he can hit 30 HR's and knock in over 110. You hope to also get a .295 average at the least.

Derek Jeter (NYY) - No choice. Miggy maybe? Certainly can't go Young, he's all out of HR's. Old reliable I guess. Bangin out 200 hits is a breeze as his bangin NYC socialites.

Sleeper : Yunel Escobar (ATL)

Third Base.

Alex Rodriguez (NYY) - Do I even have to type anything here?

David Wright (NYM) - Consistent. .325, 30HR, 110RIBS, 110RS, 30SB's.... I mean cmon. Only A-Rod was more consistent throughout the year. Throw away his bad April and he was lights out all the way home.

Miguel Cabrera (DET) - Rake. Flat out rake. You have to be concerned about him heading to the DL because of a plate of rice and beans. That concern will disappear when he you realize he's 24 years old and is on pace to average 40 dingers a year.

Ryan Braun (MIL) - What a rise to stardom. Beware of the sophmore slump and the 100+ K's in 451 AB's. Cautious projection : .280Avg, 36 HR's, 119 Ribs, 18 Swipes.

Aramis Ramirez (CHC) - He takes his walks, hit's his bombs and drives in runs. I have to look for a bounce back year from this guy, it just makes sense.

Sleeper : Eva(n) Longoria (TB)

Outfield (10).

Grady Sizemore (CLE) - His first 30/30 year. Aw how cute!
Matt Holliday (COL) - Drives in runs. Plays 82 games 10,000 miles above sea level. I wish he'd steal more bases though.
Carlos Beltran (NYM) - I feel like he will have his best year to date. The consesus is he will prove he is a MVP canidate and will perform like one.
Vladimir Guerrero (ANH) - He hits balls off his shoe-tops 420 feet away. Are you worried about injuries? Stop it, he's had more than 500 at-bats nine of the past 10 seasons.
Carl Crawford (TB) - He had a bad 2007 but still better than what's available after him. Swiping 50 bags doesn't hurt.
Manny Ramirez (BOS) - RBI machine, too bad you dont get fantasy points for cockiness.
Carlos Lee (HOU) - Consistently a run producing slugger that plays 82 games in a stadium that I might, just might be able to yank one over that LF wall.
Ichiro Suzuki (SEA) - 200 hits the norm, 100 runs scored the norm, 35+ sb's the norm. any questions?
Alex Rios (TOR) - Turns 27, shown the ability to hit for the tri-fecta (Speed, Power, Average) aka SPA so this is where he might just start taking over, 30/30 season is a possibility.
Magglio Ordonez (DET) - Reluctant to include him but based on last season's #'s he deserves it. I wouldn't go near him though unless he fell in my lap. 34 years old with a chronic kee history....

Sleeper : Lastings Milledge (WAS)

Starting Pitchers

Johan Santana (NYM) - The best pitcher in the world now faces one less hitter per line-up and is in his prime. Yum-yum now.

Jake Peavey (SD) - HORSE. 240 K's, sub 2.60 ERA, 19 wins. Sick business right there.

Justin Verlander (DET) - Filth. Unbelieavable filth. My AL Cy Young award winner.

Brandon Webb (ARI) - Consistent. Never misses a start, strikeouts are always over 190 and each year he eclipses the previous year's numbers. A good thing if you have him this year.

C.C. Sabathia (CLE) - Best SO to Walk ratio. I think. I know it's excellent. 209 K's and 37 walks, that's retarded.

Relief Pitchers

Closers first....
Papelbon, K-Rod, Putz, Nathan, Rivera.
They save games, they strikeout batters. Simple.

3 non-closers
Joba Chamberlain (NYY) - Might see some time at SP this year too. His ERA will be silly, this kid is for real. Trust me, I hate the Yanks but am not stupid.
Heath Bell (SD) - Brings it.
Duaner Sanchez (NYM) - Maybe a sleeper pick and a homer pick but the secret is he will return to form a la 2006 and if that's the case he could be a top 3 set-up man again.

Sleepers : Rich Hill (CHC), Saito (LAD)

Editor's note : Since I didn't do DH's, take out Poo-holes and plug in Ortiz. The elbow talk is louder than ever.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Let this marinate

The Celtics could go on a 23 game losing streak and still be in the playoffs.

I just hope the Pacers suck enough to not make the playoffs. Getting destroyed in the first round is not worth missing out on a lottery pick.

ESPN's mock lottery/draft thing mostly says memphis or new york will pick Eric Gordon. I'll be sad if he lands in the hellhole of memphis, and pissed off if he goes to new york. I hate the Knicks.

I'd love to talk about the Cubs and spring training, but they rarely show games on WGN anymore.

Anyone else think Darren McFadden looks like Big Julius from Remember the Titans?

Indiana, Notre Dame, Butler. It's a good year for Indiana basketball. I'll go ahead and predict that 5 Indiana teams make it into march madness.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

There are a few things you should know

But you wont learn them here.

College hoops, OSU and Purdue were in OT when i went clicking by... within 1 minute i heard that one player plays with a "Nascar motor" and that he also had a "huge valentine". whoever that announcer is needs to die. somebody look it up, hunt him down, do the right thing. for his sake and for ours.

out for a few weeks and finally back to it.. it feels... like nothing. worked one day, jury duty'd it up yesterday (didnt get picked) and now back to LOV. geez, what a whirlwind week. i am almost overcome with some sort of emotion. i think it is spite, but that's just the intial guess. i'll have to wait til it properly festers to make a final judgment.

so Favre retired. did that get mentioned yet? not to be outdone, Warren Sapp officially leaves too. get outta here fatso.

thanks to this guy for this nugget: "Fielder has another year like his last two, and he will get paid big time after this season."

awesome. i think he's on to something there. speaking of Fielder.. at one point he had a really fat dad that played for my Tigers. i guess i was in junior high or something. we went to a game with a big posterboard to show our love and appreciation. it said "two words for Cecil: slim fast". we were in the upper deck, left center, right on the railing.. so the sign was hung accordingly. apparently the Tiger Stadium officials didnt care for our sign as they quickly made their way up and made us take it down. hey, not a great story, but it was enough to make a couple of assholian j-highers laugh. good nuff.

i just heard that John Elway is gonna retire too. Denver is gonna be shit next year. he is the team.

somebody else post this crap for me, cause i think we have someone coming to visit our regular morning meeting. i am not encouraged by that type of talk. it does not settle well with me. (edit.. apparently no one checked, so i will now post it myself).

there is nothing left to say except you should all be ashamed of yourselves. i am actually ashamed for you. i am pitching you from under my desk.

run along.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Insert Creative Title Here.

LATE BREAKING NEWS (by the time you read this, it will be From The Newsdesk of CM Fost Material): Randy Moss resigned with the Patriots. Fuck Randy Moss and fuck the Patriots. All that talk about Moss calling Culpepper to talk about reuniting in Minny was a bunch of bullcrap. I guess Randy took a page out of Belicheck's cheatbook with all of this misdirection bullshit. I love how that was ESPIN's lead story just about everywhere and then Boom!Pow!Surprise! - he resigns. Fuck ESPN. Sometimes I hate being a sports fan.

The Falcons signed The Burner and then cut Warrick Dunn. Not too shocking. Falcons have a pair of nice young running backs now. Too bad their QB/WR situation is all funked up. I'm not too sold on The Burner as a full-time back though. It's one thing to come in the game for 10 carries a game, backing up the best running back in the league. It's another to be the featured back on a terrible team. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm interested to see what he does.

How many QBs do the Bucs really need? Seriously, they just traded for Griese. So if you're scoring at home, the list is; Garcia, McCown, Gradkowski, Simms and Griese. Stop while you can, Gruden, you may have a problem. Seek counseling.

Let's see, what else can I copy/paste from ESPN Shamhoff-style? Steelers sign Roethlisberger to a $102 mill contract. $36 mill is guaranteed. That's crazy money. I'm sure that somewhere in that contract there's a clause about motorcycle riding. And it probably says he can't do it. Just speculation. Unless you're Shamhoff. In that case, feel free to copy/paste that into your blog and give me the byline, jackass.

I am totally geeked up for baseball to start. Mainly because of fantasy. Also, I'm interested to see what happens in the outfield for the Dodgers. I have a feeling that it's about to go terribly wrong. Another interesting position for the Dodgers: third base. It must suck to be Nomar, you used to be somebody and now you're in a battle with a rook to play third. We already cut Grady, why can't we just finish the job and get rid of Nomar and Lowe? I'm just sayin.

In other news the Suns are now officially a really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad team (what, you expected me to NOT talk about the NBA?). Clusterfuck might be a better adjective to describe the situation. And the Mavs are approaching a debacle. This is gonna sound like I'm defending the Lakers, but difference between those two trades and the trade that the Lakers made is; the Lakers gave up scraps and picks to add a guy that fits their system and that will give you 20/10 a night. The Mavs and the Suns gave up integral pieces to their success AND draft picks to add an over-the-hill player with a huge contract who doesn't fit their system. I still think the Suns/Mavs panicked and made bad moves. But I'm dying to find out how this ends. My guess is that for the Suns and Mavs; it ends badly.

I really need to get me one of those NBA contracts so I can get bought out and sign somewhere else, then fall assbackwards into a championship ring. Sam Cassell just pulled a Larry Brown and could end up winning another Championship in Boston, which sucks because I was hoping Boston would go 1-for-3 in major sports championships. In a Lakers/Celtics Final, I would shockingly find myself rooting for the Lakers.

Yao had surgery. Is he ever gonna play an entire season? Last three seasons, he hasn't topped 57 games. He's the new Shaq, only it's just gonna get worse as he gets older. Houston plays great when Yao or McGrady is out. I've been saying this for years; they need to trade one of them and move on.

Are they still playing professional hockey? They are? Seriously? Why?

In TV news:
The Sarah Connor Chronicles has been surprisingly good. I don't know if I'm just not used to good TV because of the strike or if it's just a good series even if there wasn't a strike. I'm leaning towards trusting my gut and saying that it's good, but that it did get cut a little short. 8 episodes or whatever they got is not a very large sample size. I hope it gets another season because, apparently, that's still up in the air.

When historians look back on the fall of Western Civilization, the beginning will be marked by the first airing of The Moment of Truth on FOX. That show is just downright mean. We are in a decline, people, act accordingly. Personally I will be maxing out all of my credit cards, because in a few months, it's not gonna even matter anymore...

I am really upset that The Wire is almost over. The last few episodes have been way too good. It's too bad it's almost d-u-n. Pick it up or rent it on DVD and prepare to be blown away by teh awesomeness.

Do I have to write a review about a movie I've never seen? I hope not, cuz I don't even have the strength to do a TDiLoVH. Sorry.

As a tribute to Tem: "Have at it bee snatches".

Monday, March 03, 2008

I'm buzzin', Dirty Dozen naughty rotten rhymer...

City Hall?

Sal's Pizza. The real deal. Off the boat shit. Eat it EP.

The dizucks. We be feedin' 'em here and there.

Still sour over blowing the 300

Does anybody know what the fuck the USB ports are for on a PS2?

G'Town beat Marquette in OT. So what?

I really hope some how, some way, Simmons can turn up as the Bucks' GM.

I don't even fucking know any more. I just got Stadium Sauce all over the fucking place. GF's fault. Bitch can't put shit away in an orderly manner.

I'm gonna fucking kill some one.

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"

"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem

"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug

"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino

"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H

"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino

"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino