Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Next Year In Review

Indians beat the Cubs in a shutout last night in a stunning Game 3 of the World Series. Hiroshima Susuki threw 8 scoreless innings, walked 8 and came away with the victory. Cubbies added some runs late in the game, tagging Hiro in the 4th with 6 runs led by Paul Dieter's grand slam, but it wasn't nearly enough to overcome the outstanding pitching performance. Jackson Pollack got the save, his 41st of the post season. He also sported a Dane Cook-like 'Bart Simpson' spikey haircut. Sadly, his haircut was so bad that he was beaten after the game by a group of stylists for FOX. FOX dont play that. Good news for viewers is that they filmed the beating and will air it during sweeps week as an extended trailer for the feature film that will come out in 2009.

Babies died in the Congo and you dont care. You should be ashamed of yourself. I am for you. We need to hold a rap concert to raise money.

Donovan McNabb took his final treatment to become caucasian and subsequently turned in his Race Card. He also signed away his Bitching Right and commemorated the event by using different pens during the ceremonial signature signing. The pens will be auctioned off for charity. They are expected to be worth less than a Barry Bonds homerun ball as McNabb has quickly overtaken the role as the least liked person in either race.

NHL hockey begins and ends and no one notices. This includes the players.

Trent Green is a potato. His body is being used in a public display as a testament to pro sports and the damages that can be incurred from neglecting the severity of certain injuries.

The first ever NFL-sponsored "Paint a Player" even is held.

The winner of the drawing put a shade of chartreuse lipstick and orange nail polish on him. It matches nicely with the spray painted flea market T-shirt that he is wearing. Plentiful amounts of pictures ensue. People laugh and eat crumpets. He is publicly ridiculed for being really, really fucking dumb. Too bad he can't learn from his own lesson. His wife has sex with her new husband while sitting on Green's lap. She experiences sexual gratification multiple times while the cameras roll.

Some NASCAR guy dies and no one cares.

A white woman breaks one of her immaculately manicured nails while pounding on the countertop while arguing prices at the Asian owned-and-operated salon. CNN is there. The Asian is not. She has since been removed from the country.

Justice is served.

Spring training begins and the smell of freshly trimmed grass clippings gives everyone chubbies.

Someone cries over spilt milk(t).

321 comments:

1 – 200 of 321   Newer›   Newest»
Beth said...

Snap.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

YES?

Big Brother's Brother said...

zang!

blue said...

boom

Beth said...

Look at that, I snap my fingers and 3 guys show up.

tem said...

i am here not because of the snap.

ToddPacker said...

0-6, what's going on with your thrashers beth?

ToddPacker said...

does kobe still want to be traded next year?

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

I was just gonna give Beth a little slap and pickle.

ToddPacker said...

freak has to be happy with the cubs being in the series next year

Beth said...

"0-6, what's going on with your thrashers beth?"

Unfortunately from what I've seen and read it's a little bit of everything - new guys mixing in, injuries, bad goaltending, etc. I can't believe they're the only team in the league without a point still. Pathetic.

Beth said...

"I was just gonna give Beth a little slap and pickle."

Deke, does little also describe your pickle or just the slap? :-)

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

I knew that was coming.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

The slap. Or both. Whatever you please.

blue said...

Kenyon Martin actually played a little basketball for the nuggets last night...it's amazing.

Beth said...

Yeah, you kinda set yourself up there, I had no choice but to go with the obvious comeback.

blue said...

next you should make fun of his beanie

blue said...

or make fun of how he spells his name

blue said...

or if he has a 6ft bowling trophy

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

huh?

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

nevermind. I get it.

blue said...

Oh, i was just listing off all the things weazy likes to use as "comebacks" so beth could adapt them to her repetoire.

knowing is knowledge.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

knowledge is knowing

Big Brother's Brother said...

it is what it is

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

This place is alive and kickin'

tem said...

when is the fantasy NBA draft?

tem said...

slowest.day.evar.

tem said...

we need some rev AD.

and kod AD was 1 comment last night. wtf?

tem said...

anyone know what time it is?

ToddPacker said...

hungry

tem said...

it is HUNGRY time.

blue said...

like clockwork

isiah thomas said...

just when you think he can't do it again, FH raises the bar.

fantastic post.

(ns)

El Padrino said...

i'm about to watch deathproof

isiah thomas said...

make sure the baby has a clear view of the TV.

is Deathproof part of that QT double flick?

isiah thomas said...

this place is bumpin

blue said...

i'm gonna be superpissed that on keith's "punishment" day, there are a total of like 200 comments

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

I may keep this

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

So the Cubs got shut out and Hiro threw 8 scoreless innings, but the Cubbies added some runs late in the game, and tagged Hiro with 6 runs in the 4th?
Did DS write this?

isiah thomas said...

RIP Jenna J

SFW

blue said...

the picture doesn't work great, but it suits you well

Tyler said...

Does anyone know what today is?

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

AIDS kills

Tyler said...

It's Bionic Wednesday.

blue said...

Tyler must work for NBC...Fox will be pissed that he's shopping "the sherm" around

Tyler said...

It's Bionic Weeeeeeeeeeednesday!

Tyler said...

I think our internet is affected by the cold because it's very slow this morning. Either that or IT finally installed tracking software.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

exciting day

blue said...

yeah, today has been the bee's knees

blue said...

Eric Byrnes molests me-

did you get any ASU poon pictures on saturday?

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

Women drivers...

tem said...

i thought the bees knees was a good thing.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

I got a couple but nothing real great. But poon is poon I guess. I need to download them.

tem said...

women suck at driving.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

My dog is dying.

(ns)

tem said...

poon is poon and knowing is knowledge.

tem said...

that sucks deke.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

deke
Do any of your animals live?

isiah thomas said...

the Thrashers fired their coach today.

blue said...

beth is happy

tem said...

Kobe wants traded.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

knowing is knowledge

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

seeing is believing

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

The dog is 14.

And my fish have all been cool for quite a while.

blue said...

somebody cleaned up kobe's locker...he's tidy

tem said...

not sure how i feel about stephen colbert running for president.

the system is already enough of a joke, i am not sure it needs wrecked more.

blue said...

i wouldn't vote for him

blue said...

the broncos are trying to change their MNF game against Green Bay on the 29th, to a sunday game. October 29th would be Game 5 of the WS if necessary, and having 125K fans downtown would be difficult. let alone the fact that a lot of people wouldn't go to the broncos game because they'd be at the WS

blue said...

I guess the broncos don't think the rockies are going to sweep

blue said...

but the NFL told them to go to hell

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

I'm not voting this time around.

tem said...

"I guess the broncos don't think the rockies are going to sweep"

or get swept.

ToddPacker said...

voting is overrrated

blue said...

tem is just ridiculous

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

It's going to snow that night anyway, so the baseball game will just get postponed.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

I like Lewis Black's idea for Prez.

tem said...

i like most of L. Black's idears.

tem said...

i wonder what kod thinks about colbert running for prez.

and rev. i wonder what he thinks.

it could cause one hell of a political slapper.

JFreak said...

"anyone know what time it is?"

Tool Time?

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Immediately after the American Idol finale, blindfold the winner, give him/her a dart. Stand said winner in front of a map of the U.S., throw the dart. Where ever the dart hits is where a monkey will be parachuted. The 1st person whose hand the monkey grabs will be President.

Mills said...

$65 bucks for those $4 Rox Rockpile ticekts for the WS.

What mark-up is that anyway? I don't do number real good.

tem said...

like 16 times.

1600%

tem said...

sounds good deke, but what if the AI winner throws the dart and hits mexico?

do we get a mexican president?

tem said...

be warned i suck at numbers too.

isiah thomas said...

15.25 to be exact or 1525%

Mills said...

nice. thats a sweet markup.

Mills said...

do we get a mexican president?
---------
i can think of worse...

tem said...

i was close enough.

tem said...

brady got fined for not having his chin strap buckled properly.

haha.

isiah thomas said...

at least he can play the "chinstrap disrespect" card now.

isiah thomas said...

1/3rd of the New England Sports Evil Trifecta is almost complete.

I can't wait for Brady's death and the double ACL blow-out for KG and Ray Allen.

Mills said...

If you go to SG's World -- Simmons was on E:60 and did an NBA Live segment with the body suit against Paul Pierce. Interesting. I have not sound at work, but it looked cool.

Not sure he has much game or form, but he did sink a basket against PP, and they inserted him into the game for fun.

ps -- zeke smells like cabbage.

Tyler said...

"anyone know what time it is?"

It's almost Bionic Lunchtime.

Mills said...

i would really to read some LOVinH today.

Tyler said...

I couldn't help but think about the New England Sports Evil Trifecta last night. Then they hit the back-to-back-to-back homers. I think that was karma reminding me to not to get too cocky.

El Padrino said...

"is Deathproof part of that QT double flick?"

yes, not bad

Tyler said...

I hope Brady defies the chip strap law in the next game because he says to himself, "I'm Tom Fucking Brady" and then gets knocked the fuck out. That would complete phase two of the "New England Sports Evil Trifecta Collapse™".

Tyler said...

I thought the Robert Rodriguez movie was way better. You should peep that one El P.

isiah thomas said...

you forgot to call me little man, weasel

El Padrino said...

yep, that's next T

damn pornotube is experiencing technical difficulties

isiah thomas said...

Mills said...
i would really to read some LOVinH today.


and in engrish this means?

tem said...

smelling like cabbage = dutch?


from AP - circle of LOV

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

"15.25 to be exact or 1525%"

Actually 65/4 = 16.25 or 1625%, Mr. Accountant

tem said...

zeke was going off of the $61 markup.

65-4 = 61 markup.

61 / 4 = 15.25

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

What do I know. I enjoy being molested

tem said...

i have no clue which method of calculating a markup is correct. do you base it off the markup amount or the original price? i don't know. it is too much knowledge for me to have.

that's why i just say things like 1600%ish.

Spaceman Spiff said...

EP,

try here instead

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Tem, just a map of the US

Spaceman Spiff said...

here I mean

El Padrino said...

says HTTP not found
what's the site

Spaceman Spiff said...

shit man

one more time for fun

Spaceman Spiff said...

just like pornotube, porn clips

tem said...

are porn clips SFW? (s)

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

If you work in porn they probably are.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"smelling like cabbage = dutch?"

Carnies. Small hands. Smell like cabbage.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Hello?

tem said...

ah dammit, it's carnies, not the dutch.

El Padrino said...

nice work spiff

El Padrino said...

belladonna is a nasty, nasty woman
i think i'm in love

El Padrino said...

her face is busted but god damn she can suck pole

tem said...

el pad's baby duties consist of halo 3, R rated flicks, and porn.

El Padrino said...

dont forget beer tem

El Padrino said...

and now it's madden time

Tyler said...

Belladonna is amazing. She'd let you eat pretty much anything out of her ass, El P.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

So, how was the jerk&squirt?

Tyler said...

Per Weazy's request:

LOVinH 10/17/06

El P with a spot start on three days rest. Way to take one for the team. Some college football talk. KG unhappy in 'Sota. WTF of the day: Wesley Snipes hasn't filed a tax return in six year. He is my hero.

There are 137 comments for this post.

Lots of College Football talk to start things off.

temwr is going mix it up a little and represent IU football for a change. He said he's going to dress up in IU gear and talk shit all day to people at his work. Represent.

SG reads LoV conspiracy theories. Everyone is in agreement that there's no way he doesn't read this thing. Hi Bill.

Rev spent the morning in the ER. WTF?

tem is concerned, but it doesn't stop him from making a T.O. OD joke. Nicely done.

Everyone starts guessing why Rev had to go to the hospital. High comedy.

Wesley Snipes talk begins.

Iam with a "bet on black" reference. That never gets old in my opinion.

Rev had chest pains, but it wasn't his heart. Inflammation of cartilage around his rib cage.

Massive amounts of Snipes talk. It's focused around the projects he picks and his "range" as an actor.

El P drops a notstarring.com link and guys start cruising through the site. Lots of movie talk begins.

WC is mad at the notstarring.com website because he has work to do and instead he's spent the last half hour clicking through the site.

Lots of movie talk.

Guys are glad to hear the Rev is ok.

Zeke is mad that SG stole his "Pink has a penis" joke. Hi Bill.

El P is paralyzed by notstarring.com. His work output is at an alltime low.

Rev can't wait to take his first muscle relaxer. Ends with a joke that is a play on T.O.'s publicist's quote.

This day is derailed by notstarring.com.

Massive love for Val Kilmer.

Zeke wants to know where TJW is. TP reports that he updated his blog and that he might be a role model.

Meiz is drunk and playing God of War.

Zeke says that TJW's new post is "riveting".

Tom Cruise is gay. Deke defends Cocktail, then announces that he's going bowling and that the 300/800 quest continues.

It's now the next day. Beth82678 hates Val Kilmer. It is officially over between us Beth. You are dead to me.

WC announces that Vin Diesel is the best actor on the planet (this was before we started denoting sarcasm) and Zeke announces there's new post up.

tem said...

tyler has done awesome work lately.

tem said...

dare i say that the jug era is over (RIP jug) and the tyler era is in full swing??

ToddPacker said...

tler has become the official tdilovh guy

ToddPacker said...

tyler is just getting warmed up for nba bat signal season

Tyler said...

The jug era should never end in my opinion.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

I ♥ Eric "he makes my anoos" Byrnes

tem said...

keith has stockholm syndrome

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

I've never been to Sweden

ToddPacker said...

can we refer to keith as EB or will that be too confusing.... maybe EB II

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

Chester will be ok

ToddPacker said...

i thought bbb was chester

tem said...

i thought chester was a cheetah.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

"keith has stockholm syndrome"

Somebody read El Tardo today...

tem said...

i just did a "call your play" thing from the promotion pepsi is running.

apparently i called a flea flicker from the 3 yard line.

Big Brother's Brother said...

chester cheetah as in cheesy heroin?

tem said...

i did read el tardo today.

but everytime i think of it i really think futurama.

tem said...

chester cheetah as in free wheel of cheese heroin.

tem said...

if baby blue is born dec 6th then it will have the same b-day as tem.

El Padrino said...

nice work t, i remember that day

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

T-Day is right before D-Day, nice. Spelt out, that forms TD, which tem scored plenty of back at Polk High.

Beth said...

"Beth82678 hates Val Kilmer. It is officially over between us Beth. You are dead to me."

Good for you Tyler, I'm proud of you for finally coming out of the closet.

tem said...

i peeped that thing Mills was talking about RE: SG in motion capture suit.

as expected it was dumb.


then they show him in game making plays and dunking....wtf.

tem said...

my nickname in hikeschool was touchdown.

of course it was similar to calling a 7' guy "tiny"

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

Nobody would use the character if it watched it's own dribble and missed layups.

tem said...

i would totally use the character if he played just like the SG.

i'd make sure he started for the celtics too and he could single handedly ruin their entire season.

tem said...

it would be hilarious to see the character watching his own dribble and fucking up the behind the back move.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

No shit. How hard is it to dribble behind your back.

Tyler said...

Beth, YOU'RE questioning someone's sexuality?

Tyler said...

That makes me laugh.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

This could be entertaining, but it probably won't be.

tem said...

beth is just mad because val wasn't a chick and she assumed "val" was a chicks name.

tem said...

it won't be entertaining.

how's that byrnes guy treating ya? he got you to the WS right?

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

Pirates fan, right?

tem said...

yep. we never get let down.

tem said...

it's like a morgan freeman movie, you always know what you are going to get.

tem said...

somebody tell zeke that dook is awesome and is gonna win the national title this year.

Beth said...

"Beth, YOU'RE questioning someone's sexuality?"

There's a huge difference between us being with our own sex Tyler. If it happens to you you need an AIDS test and walk funny for a few days. If it happens to me every guy I know wants details and pictures.

tem said...

speaking of, when do the pictures arrive in the mail?

Beth said...

Tem, fmtem kept the originals so just ask her.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

Better get fmtem checked.

tem said...

i wondered how she got lipstick down there.

Beth said...

Gotta mark my territory somehow...

tem said...

i thought you did that with the tattoo on her ass that says "Beth's"

blue said...

"Gotta mark my territory somehow..."

beth enjoys giving women a golden shower?

blue said...

I just was outside doing some football toss promotion the company is running. they are raising money for some charity. I got the maximum points allowable on my first set of throws. Some other dude spent like $80 and made me stand out in the cold just so he could tie me...so we're supposed to have a "throw-off" and it started fucking snowing. We're doing the "throw-off" tomorrow becuase he was a pussy.

blue said...

the winner gets an autographed football, choice of either Dre Bly or Brandon Marshall...i'm not sure which one i'll pick.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

Maybe you can sign with the Broncos.

blue said...

Accuracy is not my game...but I can throw a football a quarter mile....how much you wanna bet I can throw it over them their mountains?

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

You should have just told the dude that you would sell him the football for $80

ToddPacker said...

what's snow?

blue said...

last year they let you accumulate points over your total amount of throws to win. Some dude spent like $250 to win an autographed football.

blue said...

I have spent $5 total on this charity drive this year.

ToddPacker said...

charity is overrated

tem said...

"the winner gets an autographed football, choice of either Dre Bly or Brandon Marshall...i'm not sure which one i'll pick."


if you have 2 footballs why not just give you both one of them?

tem said...

$5 is too much.

Mills said...

thanks for the LOVinH Ty. Good stuff.

tem said...

i did an HR derby in college. it was softball.

$1 for 10 hits. I got 9 HRs.

$65 later the assistant baseball coach finally got 10 out of 10 and beat me. i have no clue how he even had $65 to spend on it.

the prize was a t-shirt that they were selling for $15.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

Bragging rights has no price.

blue said...

"if you have 2 footballs why not just give you both one of them?"

they are going to auction off the other one in the charity auction...it'll fetch $500 probably...at least that's what people paid last year.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

"ToddPacker said...
what's snow?"

It's what you had to walk uphill both ways in when you were a kid in the 20s.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

$500 for Dre Bly? Do they know it's not Dr. Dre?

blue said...

last year it wasn't a dre bly football...I think they had Jake Plummer and Rod Smith last year. Jake's went for less than RS's

blue said...

new PTP is up

tem said...

well if you lose blue then you are a failure.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

P10P kilt LoV

El Padrino said...

fucking madden keeps freezing on the same play, Strong Safety Blitz

WTF

tem said...

it does that.

Eric Byrnes Molests Me said...

Floyd got kicked off DWTS apparently.

tem said...

it's like rule #4.

must like poon.

Spaceman Spiff said...

jimy kimmel banned from MNF

tem said...

DWTS?

tem said...

tim floyd?
sleepy floyd?

Blue said...

Updated: October 17, 2007, 12:18 PM ET

* Email
* Print

Over the past 10 years, my beloved Red Sox are 24-3 when I write a running diary of one of their big games. All right, I made that number up. But with things looking increasingly bleak for the spiritless Sox after Game 3, I couldn't resist breaking out the diary for Game 4 in Cleveland. Here's what transpired:

8:15 p.m. ET: It's the ALCS on Fox! We're joined by our old friends Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, who seem like Vin Scully and John Madden in their primes after two weeks with the TBS guys. Did you ever think you'd miss McCarver and Buck? Or is that a loaded question?

8:19: Kevin Youkilis reads us tonight's starting lineup for Boston. (After getting to the part where it's revealed J.D. Drew, Coco Crisp, Doug Mirabelli and Julio Lugo are batting 6-7-8-9, I half-expected him to make a face and say, "Holy crap, we're screwed!" Didn't happen.) For some reason, Youkilis had the intensity of Edward James Olmos. What happened to this team? Why aren't they loose anymore?

8:22: This seems like a good time to mention there are only five acceptable situations in which Eric Gagne should step on the field tonight: A 12-run blowout; a 20-inning game in which the Sox runs out of pitchers; a bench-clearing brawl; at the end of the game; and if the bullpen catches on fire and he has to jump onto the field to survive. Five and only five.

8:23: Paul Byrd strikes out David Ortiz for a 1-2-3 first inning as the Cleveland fans explode and wave their white towels in delight. Remember the days when the 2007 Red Sox bled pitch counts? They ended about three days ago without any real explanation. I don't get it. I continue to be mystified by this sudden collapse-in-progress, as well as the manager's abject unwillingness to shake things up in any way. Bizarre.

8:28: Grady Sizemore reads Cleveland's lineup with the same look on his face that Brody Jenner has every time he's hitting on LC in "The Hills." Bad sign for this game. The Indians even seem more loose when they're reading the starting lineups.

Tim Wakefield

Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

With Tim Wakefield off to a strong start, things were looking good early ...
8:33: I'll say this much: Tim Wakefield's knuckler is moving tonight. That's a good sign. He sneaks out of the first inning without any damage.

(Ten years ago, I joked in a column that Wakefield was the Steve Sanders of the Red Sox -- in other words, he was fun to have around, but you never wanted him involved in any key plots. Now it's 2007, he's still involved in key plots, and there's an entire generation of readers who don't get that Steve Sanders reference. I don't know what this means for Game 4, but I should probably be much more terrified than I am.)

8:39: Manny Ramirez starts off the second with a single, keeping his LCS hitting streak alive at 14 (one behind the all-time leader, Pete Rose). You have to love baseball, if only for stats like, "Greg Luzinski has the third-longest hitting streak in league championship history."

8:42: McCarver and Buck seem surprised Drew and Crisp don't have any RBIs in the postseason, leading them to wonder if exciting rookie Jacoby Ellsbury should have started Game 4 in place of one of them. A few seconds later, Drew and Crisp settle the debate with back-to-back strikeouts. Also, I'm bleeding from the right eyebrow.

(Note: Every Red Sox fan loves Tito Francona at this point, but his reluctance to shake up Tuesday's lineup, lead off with Ellsbury, move Dustin Pedroia to the 2-spot and stick Youkilis in the 6-spot for one game -- if only to mix it up when the lineup was clearly struggling -- is both the best and worst thing about having him as the manager. He's fiercely loyal, but to a fault at times. This is one of those times.)

8:48: Hey, it's our buddy Dane Cook! The Cleveland Browns! The Boston White Sox! Manny Gonzalez! Tom Sizemore! Dustin Pedrino! There's only one postseason! There's only one October!

8:49: Fox shows the obligatory "Kenny Lofton has played for all these teams" montage, as mandated by its contract with Major League Baseball. All I can say is this: I was making "Cool Papa Bell" jokes about Lofton four years ago, and he's still chugging along and hitting postseason homers. It's amazing. I'm putting him on the sleeper list for my "Mitchell Report Fantasy Draft" next week, along with Ed Hochuli, Carrot Top and Dr. Dre.

(I had multiple readers suggest the "Mitchell Report Fantasy Draft" joke, so all of you can share credit. More importantly, who would be the first pick if you had to take someone whose name hasn't surfaced yet? For legal reasons, I can't even answer this question. But feel free to discuss it amongst yourselves.)

8:51: The dream is still alive, some day it will come true ... and this country it belongs, to folks like me and you ... So let the voice of freedom, sing out through this land ... This is ouuuuuuuuuuuur country.

(Now it has gotten to the point when I look forward to belting the chorus out. Chevy has just beaten me down completely -- it's the only commercial that causes Stockholm Syndrome. This is ouuuuuuur country.)

9:00: Just checked my reader e-mails and here was the latest one, from Mike in Boston: "J.D. Drew has completely ruined my Red Sox experience. I can't believe we have four more years of him. I can honestly say if I had the money, I would give the Red Sox the $60 million they STILL owe Drew, if they, in turn, would drop him. Do you think we could start a fund? You have the means to reach more people. Start it up. I swear I'll send the first $1,000 and $25 per week. The sad part is, I don't think I'm kidding!"

(Let's just say the J.D. Drew signing hasn't gone over too well.)

9:01: Just when the Boston lineup was looking more lifeless than Hugh Hefner, Pedroia and Youkilis rope back-to-back singles, bringing up Big Papi with two outs. Unfortunately, Big Papi doesn't look so locked-in anymore -- all of the sudden, he looks like a creaky guy with bad knees who needs another cortisone shot. What a bummer. He grounds out to end the third.

(Honestly, I want to throw up. Four days ago, we were killing the Indians in Game 1, and I actually said the sentence out loud, "I'm scouting Game 2 of the Arizona-Colorado series to see who's a better World Series matchup for us." Now I'm thinking about things like, "I hope and pray Big Papi doesn't need microfracture surgery," and "If we benched Coco for the rest of the series, would that hurt or help his trade value?")

9:02: One more e-mail, from Tom Smith in Atlanta: "What's more distracting for Boston hitters: Byrd's old-time double windup, or the padding from his adult diapers?"

9:07: Wait, how many Octobers are there? And while I have you here, how many postseasons are there?

9:08: You know what I noticed? Fox isn't using its "Fox Trax" feature as much tonight (in which replays a pitch to see if it cracked the strike zone or not). Maybe the umpires threatened to go on strike after what happened Monday night, when Fox Trax made the Game 3 umpire come off like a drunker version of Frank Drebin in "The Naked Gun."

9:12: McCarver admires Wakefield's stiff left leg. Let's just move on.

9:16: With a guy on second, Wake gets Asdrubal Cabrera to fly out to end the inning. Or, as my dad mistakenly called him last weekend, "Ass-Dribble Cabrera." He's precisely the kind of guy who kills you in the baseball playoffs -- the "non-threatening" middle infielder who hits those dinky RBI singles that just miss the pitcher's glove, then somehow squeezes by both middle infielders as they're diving in opposite directions. I hate those guys. He killed us in Game 3 with one of those.

9:20: For the second straight playoff game, Byrd looks great. He's throwing first-pitch meatballs for strikes and enticing the Sox to abandon their patient strategy because they can't possibly help themselves when this guy is serving up such hittable crap. Brilliant strategy. He's about six years away from becoming the next Eddie Harris. Get him some sandpaper.

9:23: Are we sure the Indians didn't hire Will Forte to play the part of Eric Wedge during the 2007 playoffs? He's much calmer this year.

9:26: With nobody on, two outs in the fourth and an automatic out on deck (in this case, Crisp), you can always count on Drew to get on base (he just singled to right). That's one of the things that makes him so special. That was immediately followed by Coco's flyout to end the inning. Maybe Coco can't get a hit, but if you're looking for a baseball player willing to grow a fu manchu that doesn't have hair on the upper lip or chin, he's your guy.

9:30: Has anyone ever kept track of the number of times Fox is running a taped in-game interview with a manager right as something exciting is happening in the game? I swear, it has gotten to the point that you're terrified if they interview the manager when the other team is up. Anyway, it just happened again -- they were interviewing Francona as Jhonny Peralta slammed a double off the left-field wall. (Ending the no-hitter that I was refusing to mention, by the way.) Fortunately, Cool Papa Lofton grounded out to end the inning.

9:36: Buck just started the fifth inning with this: "Paul Byrd has been outstanding. Tim Wakefield has been even better."

(I mean ... what were the odds of those two sentences being uttered Tuesday night? 10-to-1? 20-to-1?)

9:40: Pedroia grounds out to end the top of the fifth. I love the guy, but should Sox fans be a little concerned that he grew up on the West Coast and openly admits he has trouble hitting in cold weather ... you know, considering the baseball playoffs occur in October and all? I say yes. By the way, there's only one October.

9:42: There's no better name for a drug than "Lipitor." It's always good when a heart drug sounds like a superhero.

Casey Blake

Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

... but then Casey Blake Niedermayer put Cleveland on the board with a homer ...
9:43: Wearing a playoff beard given to him by one of the Niedermayer Brothers, Casey Blake crushes a homer to start the fifth: 1-0, Indians. That looked suspiciously like the Boone homer from 2003, right down to the trajectory (high and deep) and the location (left field). I just had some 'Nam-like flashbacks. Bad times. Where's my Lipitor?

9:46: Two on, nobody out, white hankies waving and McCarver is babbling about some convoluted stats related to when Wakefield breaks down in games. I think I'm in hell.

9:49: Can't even describe what just happened on Ass-Dribble's one-out pop-up, but (A) anytime Youkilis goes backward on a foul pop-up, there's a 43 percent chance the clip will end up being shown on "SportsCenter," and (B) at least seven different parts of his body touched the ball before it dropped to the ground. This isn't going to end well.

9:51: Unbelievable! In classic Ass-Dribble fashion, Cabrera hits a potential inning-ending double-play ball that Wake inadvertently knocks down with his glove for an infield RBI single: 2-0, Indians. Did I tell you or did I tell you??? I can spot these dink-RBI-single playoff infielders a mile away.

9:56: Shot of Dice-K staring mournfully from the dugout as Wake desperately tries to fend off the Tribe. After six months under the Boston microscope, poor Dice looks like he's constantly filming his own hostage video. But, hey, you can't possibly expect to get a sure thing for $103 million these days. Meanwhile, Victor Martinez just slammed a two-out single to drive Sizemore home: 3-0, Indians. So long, Wake. He's the third straight Boston starter who couldn't get more than 14 outs.

9:57: Just went back and read my 9:36 entry to confirm it happened.

10:02: Peralta belts a three-run homer off Manny Delcarmen: 6-0, Indians. I have the Dice-K Face going -- sad, beleaguered and overwhelmed. So much for being worried about having a kid born during the same week the Red Sox play in the World Series.

10:03: Damn it all.

10:05: I might not be able to describe what McCarver just told us without you thinking I made it up, but let's try: Over the span of 45 seconds, he just explained that a leadoff home run leads to more multirun innings than a leadoff walk, only he made it sound like this was some sort of remarkable revelation or something. Did we just watch a sketch for Joe Buck's late-night show? That just happened, right?

(Rewinding game on TiVo.)

10:06: Yup, it just happened. So if you're keeping track at home, multirun innings happen more often when they're started off by a home run instead of a walk. Thank you, Tim McCarver. Meanwhile, Delcarmen just gave up a Lofton single, a stolen base and a pop-up RBI single to Casey Blake Niedermayer: 7-0, Indians. We're getting close to a Gagne appearance that might be acceptable under the ground rules established at the top of this column.

10:14: Delcarmen gets out of the inning without further damage, which is like saying, "Phil Spector gets out of the Lana Clarkson relationship without further damage," but still. Meanwhile, my buddy Jamie just sent the following e-mail: "Great line just e-mailed to me: 'It's time to run a contest to see if fans want to bat for Coco Crisp. They'd still strike out but at least we'd raise money for the Jimmy Fund.'"

10:17: The dream is still alive, some day it will come true ... Francona might shake things up, for folks like me and you ... Too bad he screwed up tonight, we're one game away from going home ... These are ouuuuuuuuuuur Red Sox.

10:20: Strangest development of the playoffs: The guys who grew out their chin-beards but shaved everything else. Right now, Trot Nixon and Youkilis look like their two buddies away from filming an all-male, X-rated parody of "Wild Hogs."

10:20: "Wild Hog" this! Youk just crushed a homer to left: 7-1, Indians. Let's see if McCarver's theory works -- could it really be better to start an inning with a homer than a walk? It's hard to trust the man who got Dice-K and Hideki Okajima confused in Game 3, but I'm going to try.

10:23: Home run, David Ortiz!!! It's 7-2, Indians. The McCarver Theory is in full swing. Meanwhile, that's going to be it for Byrd -- he leaves the park to a standing O and a sea of white towels. There's no way that wasn't the greatest moment of his pitching career. He's Paul Byrd, for God's sake.

10:29: Good battle brewing here with Ramirez and Indians reliever Jensen Lewis. We're on about 25 pitches in this at-bat already. It's always funny when Manny plays in Cleveland, if only because he always has a bemused look on his face, like he's thinking, "This is so weird, I feel like I used to play here or something."

10:31: Back to back to back! Manny crushes a homer to dead-center for the third Sox homer in a row, then draws the ire of the Cleveland fans by admiring it for a few seconds like a golfer watching a 70-foot putt heading into the hole. Watch out, Manny -- you might get a white towel thrown at you if you're not careful: 7-3, Indians. The McCarver Theory is flourishing.

10:35: You're not going to believe this, but Drew and Crisp make consecutive outs to end the inning. Meanwhile, I just unearthed the following stat -- 100 percent of the time, a team that hits a grand slam in an inning ends up having a multi-run inning.

10:37: Good question from Marty in Mount Carroll, Ill.: "How does your level of disappointment compare to Joe Buck's? After Blake's homer and the Tribe's subsequent rally, you can hear in Joe's voice how much he is looking forward to a Rockies-Indians World Series and the blockbuster ratings Fox will get when the series starts in two weeks."

10:39: Our first shot of Theo Epstein in the stands with one of those anguished, "Great, I get to spend the whole winter getting killed in Boston for the Crisp, Drew, Dice and Gagne moves" looks on his face. Let's send him some Lipitor.

10:41: Sideline guy Ken Rosenthal rams a fork into the brewing "Beckett should have started Game 4 over Wakefield!" controversy by reporting Beckett couldn't have pitched Tuesday because his body was worn down from Game 1. Awesome news. Other than Jonathan Papelbon, is there a guy left on this Red Sox team who isn't either banged up, slumping, running on fumes or psychologically destroyed?

(By the way, kudos to Fox, the network that gave us "Temptation Island" and "Paradise Hotel," but can't seem to comprehend that its baseball audience would rather watch Pam Oliver over Rosenthal or Chris Myers. This isn't the Fox I once knew and loved, I can tell you that much.)

10:50: I wish I could have recorded the phone conversation I just had with my father. First, he claimed he was going to bed because he was so frustrated by the Sox. Then, he had a two-minute monologue about how frustrating it is to follow a baseball team all year when you know about all their flaws, and you're hoping they don't surface in the playoffs, and then, suddenly, all of them surface at the same time and you can't stop what's happening. And right as he was wrapping this up and sounding like such a loyal and thoughtful Red Sox fan, we had this exchange:

Me: Dammit!!!

Dad: What happened?
Me: Lugo just hit into a double play. You're not watching?
Dad: Nah, I'm watching "Boston Legal."

10:54: In case you were wondering, we've seen multiple ads for Cialis, Levitra and Lipitor, as well as four Dane Cook commercials and five Chevy ads with "Our Country" blaring. Fun night all around.

11:01: Hey, do you think Jhonny Peralta and Dwyane Wade ever thought about starting a "Birth Certificate Bloopers" support group?

Rafael Betancourt

Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

... and Rafael Betancourt allowed the Indians to close it out without an appearance from Joe Borowski.
11:09: Phenomenal job by Jon Lester out of the bullpen -- he closed three straight innings without any real damage. Meanwhile, we're nearing the three-hour mark, it's the eighth inning and former steroid abuser Rafael Betancourt just came in. Nobody takes longer between pitches -- Fox could run 30-second ads between each one. He's the pitching equivalent of a coach using timeouts to freeze a field-goal kicker.

(Do you think he's like this in other aspects of his life? Does he sit at a stop sign for an extra five seconds? Does he take an hour to find a movie in a video store? I want ESPN to start a new documentary series in which we just trail quirky athletes as they do everyday things -- one week it would be Kevin Garnett; the next week, Betancourt; the next week, Nomar Garciaparra ...)

11:14: Somehow, a 1-2-3 inning with nine pitches just took five minutes. Whatever. We're headed for the bottom of the eighth. I think my dad made the right move with the "Boston Legal" switch.

11:18: Mark from Philly offers an inspiring defense for Manny's home run preening: "When Manny went deep, my first thought was, 'Quit posing, Manny, we're still down 7-3.' Then it dawned on me that Manny probably had no idea what the score was. In fact, he probably isn't aware that baseball games are determined by which team scores more runs. Manny's only point of differentiation comes when, after hitting a home run, he sees his teammates waiting for him at home plate -- it's at that point he knows it's time to go to the strip club."

11:20: Tim McCarver's talking.

11:21: For some reason, I'm thinking about these elaborate home run handshakes that have become all the rage (we even saw some in Game 4). Here are my questions:

Question No. 1: Does someone like Lofton go up to Martinez during batting practice before Game 2 and say, "I thought up a six-part celebration in case either one of us hits a homer, do you have time to rehearse it later?" Is that how it works?

Question No. 2: If you're Ortiz and you have to memorize multiple handshakes for different teammates, does it eventually affect your preparation for the game?

Question No. 3: What happens if you're Drew and nobody asks you to create an elaborate home run handshake with them? Do you feel like a loser?

Question No. 4: At what point does the post-home run handshake scene morph into the scene in "Boogie Nights" when Dirk Diggler takes over the dance floor as everyone performs an elaborate disco routine behind him? We're almost there, right?

(Note: I don't have answers for these questions. Just the questions themselves. Sorry I didn't clarify that earlier.)

11:22: Oh, boy. Fox just showed a startling "This day in history" graphic. In 2003, the Boone homer happened. In 2004, the Sox lost Game 3 to the Yanks by a score of 19-8. And in 2007 ... this mess of a Game 4. I'm suddenly not a big fan of Oct. 16.

11:24: Let's face it: This series turned when the Fenway crowd mailed in Game 2 in the late innings and didn't even muster enough spirit to stand in the 10th for Big Papi or start a "Manny!" chant. This NEVER would have happened in 2004. As reader Nathaniel in Brooklyn, N.Y., points out, "I had the good fortune of getting a seat in the first row in the bleachers behind the Sox bullpen on Saturday for Game 2. The crowd was about as enthusiastic as a D-Rays game in April. You can blame it on the cold and the late start, but I'll blame it on the ticket policies (I'll admit I was tempted to scalp my ticket after looking at online auction sites) and the fact everyone around me was 65-plus years old or wearing a pink hat. A good way to warm yourself up is to stand in a group of people and support your team ... loudly."

11:25: Lester gets through the eighth without any damage. You know it's a bad sign for your playoff hopes when your second-year long reliever gets 10 outs in a blowout and you're thinking, "Hmmmmm, I wonder if we should start him in Game 7?"

11:28: Indians GM Mark Shapiro looks like a fantastic cross between Jeff Garcia and Boggs from "Shawshank Redemption," if that's even possible. They can't show him enough as far as I'm concerned. Meanwhile, the ninth inning is playing out exactly like you'd think it would -- with Drew and Crisp set up to make the final two outs against former steroids abuser Rafael Betancourt.

11:32: Drew flies out to left field. Two outs.

11:33: Crisp lines out to first. Three outs. Our final score: Cleveland 7, Boston 3.

I'm not willing to wave the white flag yet, but we're damned close. The reason Cleveland deserves to advance to the World Series is the same reason Colorado advanced: The baseball playoffs aren't like the NBA playoffs, in which you can keep advancing with three or four big guns carrying you. For a championship baseball team, everyone chips in from Player No. 1 to Player No. 25. You have three or four heroes per game, everyone seems like they're loose and having fun, and when you're looking back afterward, sometimes you can't even figure out which guy should have been the MVP. That's how the Red Sox won in 2004, and that's how the Indians and Rockies are winning in 2007. There's nothing more to say.

11:34: Well, except for this: Fox just showed a graphic that 65 teams have trailed 3-1 in a postseason series and 10 teams have come back to win that series. The last one? The Boston Red Sox in the 2004 ALCS.

(Translation: You never know.)

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine. His book "Now I Can Die In Peace" is available in paperback.

tem said...

i wonder if abc will cancel his show.

i mean i hope they do.

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