Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Mailing it in

Facts are facts and I don't want to write anything. I gots nothin', no movie review, no witty banter, no random side notes, nothing. So what do D+ writers do when they got nothing? Mailbags. So here is the first ever (as far as I know) LOV mailbag. I know we are D- here, but today I am taking a tip from the D+ guys. Anyway, as always these questions are totally made up.


John, Ohio: Shouldn't you be working right now?
tem: Ummm, shouldn't you?

Sean, Indiana: My friend carries this 6 foot choir trophy around everywhere he goes, what should I do to stop him?
tem: You gotta beat him to the punch. Tell everyone it is for winning the All Valley Karate Tournament. Toss in a few Kobra Kai references a sweep the leg reference and this should solve the problem.

Halley, Florida: Is it OK to forget to brush your teeth?
tem: You're axing a guy from WV about oral hygiene? WTF? How do these questions get through the filter? Anyway, the answer is no.

TO, Texas: Why won't Tony throw me the damn ball?
tem: Because he likes white people better. That is why he throws to Witten all the time.

Joe, New York: You got any job opportunities?
tem: Umm, no. Maybe if you axe nicely the Boss will let you keep your job. Or maybe you go can manage the Mets instead. Why don't you try that?

Trent, Miami: Who am I? Where am I?
tem: You're Batman and you are in the line to collect your NFL pension check.

Jen, Montana: Is it all my fault?
tem: Umm yes?

Bobby, Illinois: So my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and get some Kentucky jelly, but I couldn't find any, all I found was Smuckers, will that do?
tem: I'm betting that both you and your girl are retarded or blonde. Anyway, yes smuckers will work.

Harold, Iowa: Simpsons or Family Guy?
tem: Simpsons at its prime kills Family Guy at its prime. But right now I would have to go with Family Guy. Not that the Simpsons isn't awesome, it's just that right now I think Family Guy is better.

Hillary, Arizona: Where's the poon?
tem: At Pac10 Poon of course. Also, I am not even going to comment on the fact that a person named Hillary is looking for poon.

Jon, Florida: Who the fuck is Jeff going to hand the ball off to?
tem: I hear Ricky Williams is available. Actually both of them are available, or you can try Priest Holmes. You like playing the veterans.

Steve, New Jersey: There is this article on the WWL about some chick who can hit holes in one almost at will. Why isn't she on the tour?
tem: What?

Bill, California: I need some MLB predictions. I have to turn them in pronto, you got any advice because I got nothing.
tem: Indians over the Sox, Rockies over The D-Bags. Indians over the Rockies. Of course I sincerely doubt you will actually go with Indians over Sox.

Mark, Texas: Should I buy the Cubs?
tem: Yeah, they could probably use your touch. Plus you can put together a team that wins, but doesn't win it all. That is exactly what Cubs fans want.

Joey, Washington: So a skydiving plane just crashed and like 7 people died. Why didn't they just jump out when it was clear the plane was going down? They are freaking skydivers, they didn't have any chutes ready? WTF?
tem: That is an excellent question. I'll have to turn this question over to Wesley Snipes, he was in Drop Zone so he knows all about sky diving.
Wesley: Always bet on black.

Sally, North Dakota: Is anything going to stop the Patriots from winning it all this year?
tem: Doesn't look like it does it? But that's the beauty of football, just when you think you got it figured out, it does a 180.

George, Kansas: Is there any new show out that I should be watching?
tem: Probably not. Why are you axing me?

Dan, Florida: Why can't we be friends?
tem: Because you are a douche, not even a douchebag. Just a douche.

Tyler, Tenn: I am training for a mini-marathon, what should I be doing?
tem: Running.

John, Ohio: Seriously, get to work.
tem: Umm OK.

OK that's enough mailbag.

564 comments:

1 – 200 of 564   Newer›   Newest»
Beth said...

Great post Tem. Although the poon question should've come from "Beth in Atlanta". :-)

Beth said...

And while I don't enjoy the Shamoff war as much as many do on LOV, it should be noted that he's got his comments back up today.

tem said...

is it up and running normally or did he do something special?

tem said...

i thought about having beth in atlanta axe the poon question, but you already know where it is.

El Padrino said...

wonderful

blue said...

I like all the mailbag questions...i'm gonna start sending in questions.

tem said...

send them to pacpoon@gmail.com

Big Brother's Brother said...

i'm glad Wesley made a guest appearance.

was there another Cream Pie whilst i was away? did i gather that there was some sort of "retaliation" finally?

please advise.

tem said...

if by retaliation you mean cummy came over here for 20 minutes and entertained us then yes.

tem said...

or if by retaliation you mean shamford shut down his comments for 4 days then yes.

Beth said...

"is it up and running normally or did he do something special?"

Well he doesn't mention any restrictions but I didn't exactly do any testing. Figured Blue would take care of that for us.

blue said...

shanoff put the comments back up, just in time for another TMQ posting

ToddPacker said...

funny post, tem

Beth said...

"i thought about having beth in atlanta axe the poon question, but you already know where it is"

True, but there's no such thing as knowing about too much poon.

Big Brother's Brother said...

4 days down? hilarious.

blue said...

tyler fixed up a header for PTP...check it out

ToddPacker said...

the yankees were eliminated.... i can say that enough today

blue said...

borowski almost made it interesting in the 9th though..HR to Abreu and then Posada missed a HR by like 3 feet foul

ToddPacker said...

tyler does good work

El Padrino said...

Torre is gone.

El Padrino said...

I'm breaking the news before it gets broke.

tem said...

torre should go to the mets.

or pirates.

ToddPacker said...

torre was already the mets manager in late 70's early 80's

blue said...

torre should go coach the braves

blue said...

he's old, maybe he should go coach little league in the dominican. He'd probably have just as good of talent

Beth said...

"torre should go coach the braves"

Been there, done that.

ToddPacker said...

i think torre will be back with the yanks next season

blue said...

"Been there, done that."

that was kind of the point

tem said...

then pirates it is.

blue said...

he wouldn't turn down the dominican little league for the pirates

tem said...

you think the domincan league would take him?

ToddPacker said...

who is george going to get to take over for torre?... mattingly, the guy has never won anything

Big Brother's Brother said...

get keith hernandez

blue said...

he'll go after girardi i'd bet

tem said...

he will go after reggie jackson.

El Padrino said...

he wanted to start Mussina last night, not wang

he got over-ridden and that says to me, he's gone

i will not miss his nose in HD

El Padrino said...

yanks gonna give arod 32MM

El Padrino said...

John Turturro better have his cell phone on.

ToddPacker said...

i forgot about girardi

blue said...

maybe he'll hire mike hargrove

blue said...

i think girardi is better suited for a bunch of young players, not a bunch of overpaid whiners

El Padrino said...

Girardi has been waiting for the job since 2005. He is the clear cut guy, although for some reason MAttingly figures to get a long look.

El Padrino said...

it's just that Joe is driving in the right lane of the baseball expressway

El Padrino said...

yanks have some serious young talent, serious

Big Brother's Brother said...

fake fire drills are tha coolest

El Padrino said...

how was wherever you were bbb?

El Padrino said...

good, good to hear





*small talk IDGAF

El Padrino said...

really?
you ate a whole wheel of cheese and pooped in the refridgerator?

blue said...

I hate new work shoes...it always takes awhile to scuff up the bottoms so i'm not slipping all over the place.

Big Brother's Brother said...

hows everyones weather today

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Bobby Valentine

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

It's finally not 80 degrees here. I got sick of that shit quick.

El Padrino said...

yeah 80's on october here too
if i wanted that i woulda stayed in florida

wth

JFreak said...

Indiana's set record highs for the past three days or so.

And it's supposed to be in the 30s by Thursday.

I love temperature swings. (s)

tem said...

it was 90s here. i am glad to see that shit done with.

now it is raining though.

blue said...

*cue keith or zeke with the "it's 97 here, hibachi" comment

El Padrino said...

*cue fat gore with a "global warming" speech/ad/pop up

fuck you leo, i cant afford 16 electric cars you hump and just cuz you all annoy the fuck out of me i'm leaving my lights on all night

fuckfaces

tem said...

IN and OH have fucked up weather patterns. 90, 92, 30, 60, 90, 50, 32, 90.

Also weather is the most boring topic we discuss on this blog.

blue said...

I haven't quite turned on the furnace yet, but it's been getting down to like 35 at night outside

El Padrino said...

EAT IT!!!!

YOU HEAR THAT PUNK!!!!

THAT MY AC RUNNING ALL DAY BASTARDO!

El Padrino said...

end tiny temrant

Beth said...

"hows everyones weather today"

I think BBB was being sarcastic with that question because of the lull in posting, but good to see the real responses.
:-)

JFreak said...

Fans of the Boston Red Sox

Wipe that smirk off your face. Nobody wants to see you gloat. Please, enough already. We hope you're proud of your $143 million payroll. Hey ... seriously. We know. The Yankees lost. Congrats. The Evil Empire died again. We're really happy for you. We get the idea. You don't like the Yanks.

Big Brother's Brother said...

apparently i needed to drop a (s).

tem said...

another temrant.

yesterday was the day for nattys, today is temrant day.

tem said...

bbb, you know if there is no (s) we assume (ns).

Big Brother's Brother said...

beth u get a hearty smack on the azz

El Padrino said...

i'll talk about my hemroids before i look at my tps pile

El Padrino said...

avoiding tps like a prostitute in Sierra Leone

Big Brother's Brother said...

"Also weather is the most boring topic we discuss on this blog."


.....

Big Brother's Brother said...

Lizard,

nice pic from the guest post day. i'll act like its really you til i find it in a google search on some girl's personal page..

hugs.

Big Brother's Brother said...

ps, i wont search that hard, kinda like how kids dont question santa just to keep the gifts coming. :)

Beth said...

That's good BBB, keep pretending you haven't seen the real thing in person.

blue said...

bbb openly challenging beth's picture...you and zeke don't understand the trust tree.

JFreak said...

I just got 10 more Colts SB hats for 2.99.

blue said...

freak-

why do you need so many hats?

tem said...

freak, what are you going to do with all these hats?

JFreak said...

The real question is what can't I do with all these hats.

blue said...

he's buying christmas presents for everyone he knows

tem said...

i2i blue

blue said...

"The real question is what can't I do with all these hats."

that's gross

tem said...

freak is all hat and no cattle.

blue said...

"The real question is what can't I do with all these hats."

turn them into cattle

JFreak said...

Keith showed me this last night.

Basically, you can request a NFL product catalog, and they'll send you a free hat.

So I figured I should take advantage of their stupidity.

blue said...

but it's a dumb hat

JFreak said...

Silly Broncos fan.

tem said...

i get an out of stock error or something when i try it.

oh well.

El Padrino said...

maybe i should get a couple of these and sell them in exchange for bags of dirt

El Padrino said...

freak needs a job

Big Brother's Brother said...

2.50 shipping. im a jew.

tem said...

freak is gonna get 100 catologs and 100 hats.

tem said...

i need a new hat though. right now i am all cattle and no hat.

El Padrino said...

i counted yesterday

i own 47 hats

16 of them NY AREA TEAMS

blue said...

I've been looking for a new hat since someone puked all over mine

El Padrino said...

i'll send you one of mine blue

minus the white sweat marks of course

El Padrino said...

If anyone is interested i can run down a list of what they are

tem said...

i have 2 hats.

1 really sweaty WVU one
1 columbus destroyers one

oh and 1 Tampa Bay one signed by Joey Galloway or at least someone wrote his name on the hat.

tem said...

other hats could probably be found in the basement or at my parents house. they would all be tampa bay hats. the parents house has all the orange ones.

tem said...

hats > weather.

i guess.

JFreak said...

I have lots and lots of hats.

I'd say somewhere around 30.

blue said...

I still have a lot of hats, just none that I choose to wear anymore.

blue said...

what kinds of hats does Beth wear?

Keith S said...

TP probably has a large collection of jats.

Keith S said...

Wow, I'm glad I don't go to LSU games.

Keith S said...

I bet Beth's lawyer friends don't wear hats.

El Padrino said...

that stinks

El Padrino said...

i have 8 met hats
didnt know this til yesterday

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

I probably have a good 100 hats. When I was little, me & pops had the 14 game season tix for the Brewers & I'd get a hat at every game.

And I was constantly buying hats when I started having jobs. And now I haven't bought a hat in 2 years.

El Padrino said...

deke beat me in the hat race, i just bought one yesterday which prompted my devil, err wife to wonder how many i actually had, hence the count

El Padrino said...

i countered with

"how many shoes do you have, including flip flops"

dead silence declared me the winner

El Padrino said...

talk about dead silence

blue said...

advantage EP

tem said...

HUNGRY.

El Padrino said...

fat ass

El Padrino said...

sorry keef

Keith S said...

fat ass is always funny

Spaceman Spiff said...

virginia is a dump, but what a fucking game

Mills said...

deke beat me in the hat race, i just bought one yesterday which prompted my devil, err wife to wonder how many i actually had, hence the count
------------
i bet she still has more purses and shoes combined

stick that in her pie hole.

El Padrino said...

yeah virgina sucks

redskins rolled

Mills said...

wups --

should have read farther down...

Keith S said...

Hilarious

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

And I have the most Chris Mullin cards.

El Padrino said...

that is hilarious

El Padrino said...

you win there too

blue said...

deke is LoV champion today

Beth said...

"what kinds of hats does Beth wear?"

I actually do wear hats occasionally - I pull my ponytail thru the hole in the back of the hat. I have no sports team hats though (yet). I have 4 hats from races I've done and one from Salty Dog Cafe in Hilton Head. My next one is going to be a Thrashers hat though.

Dikembe Meiztombo said...

Nice. I have some Salty Dog gear myself.

El Padrino said...

I frequent the salty dog once in a blew

salty dog

Beth said...

Sorry EP, different Salty Dog. :-)

El Padrino said...

aw shucks

Deacon Dr. Tyler Love said...

Beth wears a hat to the club sometimes. She also drives a white PT Cruiser with a court mandated breathalyzer installed.

blue said...

salty dog sounds like a gay bar

El Padrino said...

SNL, met spoof

El Padrino said...

now what would el pad be doing in a gay bar?

smack yourself blew

El Padrino said...

funny t, the drunk bitch from 40 year old

Keith S said...

That's why I don't watch SNL anymore

JFreak said...

Deke...I win the matchup.

I forgot ties were decided by bench points.

Boo-ya.

JFreak said...

The douchebag skit was pretty good, but they said they were gonna bring it back and they didn't.

I wanted to see who won.

Deacon Dr. Tyler Love said...

Cowboys gotta play the Pats on a short week. I wonder how that's gonna end up.

JFreak said...

I hope they both lose.

Big Brother's Brother said...

the Cougher was shaving yesterday and cut his mole.
he was late cause it wouldnt stop bleeding.
we heard all about it.

blue said...

it'll be fun

Deacon Dr. Tyler Love said...

Yahoo's fantasy homepage keeps telling me: "Deuce McAllister is injured and on your starting roster." in the LoV league. Nope, I'm pretty sure I dropped him a few weeks ago, Yahoo. Try and keep up.

blue said...

why did you drop a deuce?

tem said...

i don't like the salty dog in HH.

Deacon Dr. Tyler Love said...

Go ahead and pick him up if you want to, Blue.

Keith S said...

ep
Congrats on your first victory in the Yahoo! league.

(ns)

tem said...

my yahoo! team tried.

blue said...

congrats EP

El Padrino said...

thanks, i popped my cherry

El Padrino said...

tiggers bringing pudge back

blue said...

I have no idea how I keep winning in the yahoo! league

tem said...

do you keep playing sucky teams?

tem said...

actually i have no clue how my team won 2 games.

blue said...

new PTP

blue said...

"do you keep playing sucky teams?"

I don't know, maybe

Keith S said...

Good grief

Keith S said...

Painted boobs are always nice.

blue said...

tressel is out at OSU, being replaced with Romeo Crennel

blue said...

part of the BCA's master plan to have more minority coaches

blue said...

Tressel will assume the duties as headcoach of the Browns, which is a big step down for him.

Keith S said...

I don't think blue is funny

blue said...

He was intrigued by the idea of his players getting paid legally...oh and the array of sweatervests offered by the Browns line of apparell.

El Padrino said...

painted boobs make me smile

tem said...

actually the rumor is that tressel is going to take over for Carr next season.

tem said...

crennel is going to coach the buckeyes, gruden the browns, and monte kiffin takes over the bucs.

tem said...

tem hearts painted boobs.

blue said...

while there isn't any way to prove that picture is a stanford student...it came off of a stanford fraternity website, so I figure she must be a student

blue said...

tem-
actually in a cruel twist of fate, lane kiffin will be traded from the Raiders to the Bucs for a 3rd round pick to be the bucs new head coach

El Padrino said...

where's coughlin today ?

Beth said...

"i don't like the salty dog in HH"

You've been there Tem?

ToddPacker said...

i was in earlier.... lots of tps today

ToddPacker said...

the weather talk was great

(s)

ToddPacker said...

the "jats" line made me laugh

El Padrino said...

good to see ya tom

ToddPacker said...

about once a year i throw out a bunch of hats, but i think right now i probably have +/- 50

ToddPacker said...

i would say 20-25 are gator (non-jat) hats

tem said...

"You've been there Tem?"


my family goes there (HH) every year for vacation. We stay in some condos called Surf Court. It's alright. We go to Salty Dog once per trip. I've been there probably 10 times.

i didn't go (to HH) this summer though.

tem said...

i have never seen anyone where a jat, although i am aware of their existence.

ToddPacker said...

anyone ever eat at a j alexander’s restaurant (i think it's a chain).... we has a working/meeting lunch there today.... really good food

Beth said...

Tem, my bf's family own a condo within walking distance of Salty Dog, so I've been there literally dozens of times. It's more a marketing machine than a good restaurant I've always thought, but still fun to go to.

I'll look for you at HH next time I'm there. :-)

tem said...

i have been to J Alexanders a lot of times.

tem said...

Salty Dog food sucks.

A guy in the office here has a condo in the Sea Pines place near Salty Dog.

The place we stay is not in Sea Pines.

Sea Pines is too ritzy for us poor WV folk.

tem said...

and my family is there right around July 4th every year.

El Padrino said...

is that where the pic was taken

you said something about a lake, i dismissed it to mean a canal or something

Beth said...

"and my family is there right around July 4th every year"

Yikes, you have my sympathies. That's the one time of year we make a point to avoid HH as it's outrageously over-crowded. At the risk of boring everyone else at LOV (that's never stopped me before), what restaurants do you like best at HH?

tem said...

boring people doesn't bother me one bit:

i like the Wingz place, even though I think it is just a chain. It has so many wings flavors to choose from that it keeps me occupied for days.

the family loves Hudsons, even though the guy in the office says it is terrible and just a tourist spot.

tem said...

there is some sort of Irish / Sports Bar place that is fun. I can't remember its name.

Fat Baby Pizza is good pizza.

And there is another seafood place that the family loves, but I can't remember its name.

Beth said...

Yeah, I'm not crazy about Hudsons. You need to try Old Oyster Factory (although it's off the beaten path) and Marleys next time you go.

And geez, you go to HH and go to a chain???? :-)

tem said...

i can't help myself with the wingz place. we don't have anything like that here. you can get normal wings but they have flavors that just don't exist here.

plus it is walking distance to where we stay, so i can walk there, eat wings and get hammered.

tem said...

Old Oyster Factory might be the other place where the family goes. It sounds familiar.

tem said...

what is Marley's? never heard of it.

El Padrino said...

i want to eat wings in buffalo

El Padrino said...

Marley's is by Bob's place, it's in Kinsgton i think.

tem said...

if it is a jamaican place i am interested. if it is another seafood place, then i don't care too much.

Spaceman Spiff said...

NE DC, dont ever be there

blue said...

"anyone ever eat at a j alexander’s restaurant (i think it's a chain).... "

I enjoy J Alexander's

El Padrino said...

computer crashing

blue said...

i hate teleconferences

ToddPacker said...

the yankees were eliminated

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