Help Wanted

This is an excerpt from an actual resume recieved yesterday:

Dandy Dan's Gentlemen's Club
Performer
Persuaded Customers to purchase drinks and dances, along with up-selling higher-end drinks and buckets. I also provided an ear to listen to whatever the customer may want to discuss and helped sort through whatever the days problems may have been.

I wanted to interview her, the hiring manager for the position did not. HR lady thought we should bring her in anyway, just to meet her.

I caught the very end of that "V" show tonight on ABC...the pirate from Average Joe's gym is on that show. Good to see that pirates can still get work even with all the somalian ones ruining for everyone.

Ok, here is my chilis story I alluded to the other day. I'm a lot more calm about it now, and it seems a lot dumber, but so what.

So there we were having a lovely dinner at the local Chilis. I was having the buffalo chicken ranch sandwich. Typically it comes drenched in buffaro sauce, but tonight it only had an ounce of buffaro sauce (ns), so I was already pissed. Then they didn't cook cmblue's burger long enough so they were still pink in the middle...not a great thing for a preggo lady. Anyway, about that time a group sits down at the booth next to us. We are sharing a wall that seperates the tables. Some young chick sets her motorcycle helmet down on top of the wall. Not a big deal right, except that the helmet has a scary looking skull on it. Bgblue is at the age now where she's aware of things that are scary and has serious issues with weird items. For example, she's afraid of shadows, the moon, and triangles...so the skull freaked her out. She starts screaming crying saying "I don't like it, i don't like it". About that time the waitress comes by and asks what's wrong, I made a joke about her being pissed about the ounce of buffaro sauce on my sandwich. I then tell the waitress to please bring our check and that she's freaked out by the helmet, and we'll just go. Blue knows that bgblue will continue to be freaked out, so it's not worth fighting her about it. Well the waitress decides that she should go and ask the kid to move the helmet, unbeknownst to me. When she asks the kid, she goes ballistic and yells "well i'm not fucking moving it". Which of course makes bgblue even more upset. At this point, blue decides to it's time for him to leave, so he and bgblue get up and go so she'll stop crying. Cmblue is left behind to pay, like a good woman...well 20 minutes goes by and cmblue still hasn't come out yet..finally she comes out. Come to find out, as soon as I left, the teenage chick yelled at my wife "if you can't keep your kid under control, you shouldn't come to chilis anyway"...well that didn't sit too well, and supposedly the waitress had to keep cmblue from jumping this kid. But the waitress made sure we got our dessert to go. As we were walking to the car cmblue wanted to kick over the chick's motorcycle but I talked her out of it. In the end it was probably muchado about nothing, but that stupid waitress should have kept her nose out of the situation...but she still got a tip.

BIGBUT

License Plate

Saw BIGBUT the other day. The lady driving it didn't look like she would have a big ass, but maybe she did. She was pretty skinny up top, so I wondered if she just ballooned out at the bottom. Maybe she looked like a pyramid or something. In any case I guess BIGBUTT was taken or she could have had that. You get 7 letters. Or maybe she just likes to argue and always brings a big "but" to the argument....kind of like "a huge if I know." I guess we will never know because I am not going to ask her.

Hockey Talk

Colorado and San Jose have the most points, must be the best teams.

NBA Talk

Boston and Phoenix have the best records, they must be the best teams.

Abdul Jabar has leukemia...Shoots up the death pool draft board.

LeBron says winning is more important than money...easy for him to say since he will make tons of money no matter where he goes....Hmmm, get $125M and be on a sucky team or get $120M and be on a winning team?

Other sports news

Some tennis guy wants Agassi to give back his winnings and titles because he did meth. Whatever. Nobody should be shocked or surprised that Agassi did drugs. Hell him and Jeremy Mayfield probably went in 50/50 on a meth lab investment.

Michael Phelps sucks without the new suit. Missed 2 of 3 finals wearing the old suit. I am guessing everyone else was wearing the new suit. In any case those new suits with the motors in them really do make you swim faster. Maybe I will enter the Olympics and just jump in the pool with a speed boat. I'll just say, "what? it's my suit."

ElTardo Saturday posts are dumb. Never read them since they are posted on Saturday.

Someone won the WSOP. I know who, but I won't tell. I'll give you a hint though, it wasn't me.

Money fantasy team is 8-1 now. Looking vulnerable though after starting 7-0. Steve Slaton's fumblitis really hurts.

Tem movie review

The Blind Side

I can not believe how fast Hollywood makes movies after something in real life happens. I swear, the event this stuff is based on happened like last year, but they fired off the movie real quick like. Even got Sandra Bullock to star in it. She has been in lots of movies lately. I guess she better get it while the getting is good because it'll go downhill fast. Even Michelle Pfeifer's career fell off after 50 or whatever. I mean damn, it wasn't that long ago that Michelle was humping ladders and singing songs, now she is in like 1 movie a year.

Anyway, as we all know this movie is about that writer from SI, Dr. Z. He had a stroke and apparently when this happens one side of your body just is all kinds of fucked up. So this movie is about his Blind Side. I guess Sandra Bullock plays his wife, not sure why they picked a hot chick to be a sportswriters wife, but hey I guess ElTardo's wife isn't bad to look at. So Dr. Z has a stroke, can't see out of one side. So at first SB just sits on the good side, but then she realizes that her husband kind of sucks and can't do things right so she begins to hang out with his brother Dr. Y. Dr. Y is played by Omar Epps, who you might remember as the current coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

So Sandra and Dr. Y hang out and start getting it on. To make sure that Dr. Z never figures it out they always knock boots on his blind side. Of course he finally catches on and when he does he strokes out again and dies.

The End.

3 telmet stickers out of 5.

Monday post

Family guy sucks.

Phantom of the Opera does not suck. I went with cmk, hsilok, & milok and saw Phantom on Sunday afternoon. First time I'd erve* seen it. The only other show I'd every seen in a theater before was Stomp. I was pretty impressed with Phantom. I had reservations when I got the tickets a few months ago, but walked out of there happy that we saw it. I'd go see it again. I might even go see another show. I heard Jesus Chris* Superstar was pretty good and that's coming here in March, so we might go see that.

Big fooyball* weekend again. Iower finally lost a game they should have lost. IN YOU FACE, WEAZY!! tOSU stepped up in Happy Valley. UM stepped down in Ann Arbor. Alabamer lookt impressive against LSU. Cincy almost lost, & Boise didn't look too impressive. 6 unbeaten teams left, I think at least 1 will lose each weekend over the next few weeks. And if you didn't see it, Jahvid Best went airborne and landed on his head.

I didn't see any NFL on Sunday, so I'm just going off of what the scoreboard says. Bengals go 4-0 in the division, Chargers nipped the GGGGGGG-men, Cards walk all over da Bears, and Tampa used their throwbacks to confuse the Packers, Colts & Saints bolth* stay unbeaten. I'm still more interested in college ball right now, and the main interest I have in NFL at this point is strictly for FNFL purposes. That will change in December after the college regular season.

LP, your name/pic for today will be Ohio is > than NY

I'm eating a thin mint blizzard right now and it's awsome*.

The wedding we went to on Saturday night was alright. It was on a ranch just outside of town, and the ceremony was in a horse corral. Nice ceremony, nice reception, lots of dyke-y rugby chicks there. Like, dozens of them. One of them was dressed up in gray men's slacks, an argyle sweater, and a tie. She probably had a penis, too. But during the bouquet toss, me & cmk were standing over by the dessert table and looked over in time to see the toss. Sure enough, argyle "chick" coat* the bouquet and started playing air guitar with it. Some dude and his wife were standing next to us at the table and the dude says "Why is that guy holding the bouquet?" I kind of look at cmk and she starts laughing and walks away. I turn around and the guy's wife is ::flank steaking:: at him and he says "No, seriously. Some dude just jumped in and coat* the bouquet". He wife punches him and tells him to shut up, that it was a girl and that he needs to shut the fuck up because he said that really loud. That was probably the highlight of the night.

That is all. Go comment. Or don't. I don't care. OK that's a lie, I do care.

El Pad's Weekly Betting Guide

Time to make mo money, mo money, mo money.


Overall : 21-25-2
Last Week : 4-2
Situation : $1000

College Plays ($100 each)


INDIANA +11 over Sconnies
WVU -21 over Louisville
Uconn +17 over CINCY
MICHIGAN -6 over Purdue


Pros


JVILLE -7 over Chiefs ($250)
M - J - D


Miami +11 over NEW ENGLAND ($150)
Miami is like the best losing team in the league. Eleven points for a team that is like 2nd in TOP is redonk as Mills would say. And taking a cue from Simmons, Sparano looks like he owns a deli in Bensonhurst.

Arizona +3 over CHICAGO
Gonna try the Cards on the road, they have been surprising as of late on the road and it may be a trend.

Houston +9 over INDY
Don't these two teams always have close games?


Just walked in, took me like 20 minutes to navigate through all the yankee convicts that have already lined up Broadway. It's like 20 people deep already, expect like 3 million people which is like 1% of the total population. I hope spiff is there to see the animals.

Dez Bryant to enter draft, despite not playing because the NCAA = Germany during Nazi occupation, he'll still be a #1. He's talented as they say.

Lincecum smokes weed? No way. Never saw that coming.

NOW. That's a womanz group apparentely. Like PETA. Both are filled with crazy people. NOW is the craziest of them all though, because what's crazy than alot of womanz talking together about men. Nothing.

Goddamn Yankees... # 27

Disclaimer: The following post may contain strong language, aggression, whining, moaning, groaning and general Yankee hatred. Viewer discretion is advised.

Goddamn, fucking, shitbum Yankee cocksuckers. And you know what? Phuck Philly too. Chase Utley was apparently the only guy who remembered to bring his bat to the Word Series. Get ready for a winter full of hearing from the Yankees fans about the greatness. And hear them try to convince you that they never really hated Girardi. Or that A-Roid is the greatest clutch player ever! UGH, it is gonna be a long winter. thank god we have football.

Last World Series note. Hideki Matsui became the first Japanese player to win World Series MVP. Expect this to get some run. He was also the first full time DH to win the award.

Cameron Diaz is on Fallon right now. She seems like a nice person. though I'm sure she is probably a mega-bitch. Phenomenally hot women usually are. She seems to have enjoyed her time filming in the boston area, so that's cool. "The Box" seems like it could be a good movie.

I admit that I don't know a whole lot about the intricacies of basketball. However, I'm pretty sure that the Celtics starting 6-0 is pretty good. It seems like tonight's game was the only close one too. and I'm also quite sure that in the long run it means absolutely nothing. Just figured it was worth mentioning.

Roy Williams is unhappy and feels like he and Tony Romo aren't on the same page. Gee, what a revelation. Maybe because you are not a very good WR there Roy. Just a thought. then again, Romo isn't a very good QB. So in short, the Cowboys suck.

Speaking of the NFC, I'm wondering if the Saints will continue to play as well as they have, or if they will come back to the pack as they usually do. as the weather gets colder, let's see how that offense holds up.

Nothing has made me happier in recent weeks than the Giant's losing streak. I'm just saying. Notice EP hasn't said much about the GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-men.

OK, that's it. Comment. Tell me how much I suck. Great post, Freak.

Wednesday's Post

We need one more team for FNBA. The draft is tonight, but we could change it, but we won't. If we don't get one more team, i'll have to kick out Deluxe and that's really not fair to Meiz. So the pressure is on LoV, it's on like donkey kong.

Go Here
Leagueid: 343879
pword: pathword

Cmblue just informed me that Michael Irvin got booted off of dancing with the starts. I sometimes watch that show when i'm feeling gay. I've always thought Fez from "that 70's show" would be awesome on that show. Fez is also the voice of Handy Manny, cue all the ::blank stares::

Speaking of the Fez, the Pacers suck and Josh McRoberts grew his hair out like Jim from the Office. What a douche, he's a perfect fit for Indianapolis. Indianapolis might be the worse place to live in America. I started to read an article about all the great things to do in Indianapolis when I was on the plane a few weeks ago, it was awful.

Temblings

Just going to ramble today, we'll see where it takes us. It will either be good or bad. I guess it could also be OK. Those are the three options. Terrible and great are not on the table.

Have my mom and aunt visiting again, this morning I woke up to "do you want the good news or bad news?" So I said bad news and they said my toilet was leaking. They always think the toilet is leaking. Really it is just them not pulling the shower curtain all the way shut and shower water getting out of the shower. In any case I asked what the good news was and sure enough they said "there is no good news." That's twice I've heard that phrase since keef got arrested for running dope or whatever. So I wonder if people said it a lot and I never noticed or people just now started to say it. Dunno.

For what it is worth (not much) I think that Utley is my MVP of the series so far. Lee ended up giving up too many runs yesterday so his stats aren't good, CC might be it but he lost game 1, Jeter has a good shot too, especially since his side is winning. I can't really think of another Yankee that has stood out. Some have had good games, but nobody is doing what Utley is doing.

Speaking of the World Series I thought it was interesting that in clutch at bats yesterday Arod doubled off of some guy's glove and Jeter hit into a crushing double play. At least I think that is what happened.

Didn't watch much of the Falcons/Saints. Sounds like it was close. Like the Falcons would win that at home. Looking at the stats Roddy White did me proud. Way to go Roddy. You are my hero. Although I had a bad fantasy week. My undefeated money team got crushed. Crushed big time. Slaton got benched early, that hurt. Welker was on BYE, that hurt. And the rest of my team decided not to show up. They got complacent. I'll have their respective coaches talk to them. Except Zach Miller. I will not have Cable talk to him. Cable would either punch him or punch me. Either way I don't like it.

Why is it called a donkey punch? I've never seen a donkey punch anything. In fact they seem to lack the necessary appendages to punch. I could understand donkey kick, but not donkey punch.

Saw HAIL as a license plate today. I guess they like weather or something. Or maybe Hail Hitler, or Hail to the Chief, or whatever. Either way it isn't a very interesting plate.

Bossman scheduled an 8:30am phone call. WFT? I am not sure why he does that kind of stuff. He knows I hate mornings. Of course I also hate afternoons so maybe he was damned no matter when he set the call.

By the by, looked at H's hos in that picture. I approve. Too bad they are from New England. I'd still try to have sex with them though (and fail of course.)

Back to World Series talk, why isn't FOX pimping the hell out of TV shows this time around? I don't recall getting overloaded with commercials for shows that clearly suck. Speaking of shows that clearly suck, is Strahan's show already cancelled? I figure it is. Sucks for that guy in the wheelchair, I think he is cool.

Manu had to get a rabies shot for punching a bat. ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha From what I hear rabies shots are the worse. Maybe they are better now, but back in the day I heard they were like 20 shots right into your stomach. I have no clue why I heard that, makes little sense, but I did. Probably has something to do with me being from WV.

Damn, 8:30. Gotta make that call.

Mother Nature is a whore

WFT is up with the weather here? It was in the low 60s last week and this week it's gonna be in the 90s. If I get sick, I'm blaming the weather. Or maybe I'll blame daylight savings.

Some sports happened this weekend. The mighty ducks destroyed USC. FU made UGA their bitches again. Texas whooped up on the man who's 40, which moved them back up to #2 in the polls (poles? /ep). Iowa rallied to beat Indiana, even though some folks here said that IU got hosed (hose? /ep) by the officials and should of* won. Either way, I still don't think Iowa is a top 5 team, and I really hope they lose a game because they will get embarrassed, tOSU style, against an SEC team.

In NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE action, the GGGGGGGGGGGG-men looked grate*. Also, Denver and Arizona brought out their A games on Sunday. The Jets got redemption on the Fins, and Detroit is 1 step closer to 8-8 BABY!!! Except all of those things didn't happen.

Beisbol - Who cares

So cmk watches this show called Bridezillas. I had nerve* watched it before last night. What a fucking awful show. She loves it though. I just sat there whilst watching it, and I wanted to channel my inner mize and punch out every fucking bitch on that show. Seriously, every bitch on that show needed KO'd. I don't know why those dudes are marrying those bitches. I was uncomfortable watching it. When it was over, cmk axes me "So did you like it?" I tolt her that it was the worse show I've ever seen and that if she ever has it on again I'm leaving the room and watching something else. It's funny how most chicks will say that they don't like drama, but they love shit like that. Once again, chicks are irrational.

Since I haven't had a good hsil/csil story in a while, here is one. I'm not saying it's a good story, but it's a story. hsil was getting on my nevers* this weekend. She had this "I'm hot shit, bow to me" attitude this weekend. I hate that shit. We went to a bar on Friday night that was having a costume contest and they also had karaoke. hsil thinks she's the best singer evAr! Whenever she goes to karaoke with us, she has to sign up for about 5 or 6 songs. Then she sings every song all sultry and run her hands through her hair while. It's really annoying. And before zeke & beth make the "yeah right, she's a virgin" comment, she does all that shit, but she doesn't do anything. She'll tease a dude but that's it. She doesn't ever leave the bar with a dude or do anything outside of that moment. She just likes to tease dudes because she enjoys the attention. Whenever her & csil go out, it's all about who can get more attention. That's why I rarely go out when they are going.
Then on Saturday night we went to a haunted house. We boat* our tickets and axed how long the wait was. The lady said an hour and a half so we got in line. 3 1/2 hours later we were still in line, and probably still a good hour from getting into the house. They had some promoter there walking around with a mic and saying that if someone would eat a cockroach that he had a jar full of, they could go to the front of the line with a friend. He also said he had a scorpion and that if someone ate that, they could get 3 friends and go to the front, and they would also get their tickets for free. So my buddy said he would eat the scorpion and hsil said she would eat a cockroach so that our group (7 of us) could get to the front of the line. So the promoter said he'd go get the scorpion and his "camera crew" and come back. So an hour later and we're still in line and still waiting for his crew, so we say fuck it and go get our money back for the tickets and we leave. Fucking Halloween. It's like New Year's. Tons of hype, always ends up being a dud.

I doubt most of you read that, so fuck you.

El Pad's Weekly Betting Guide

Rarely do I think managers win or lose games for baseball teams but last night Charlie Manuel just about lost Game 2 for the Phils. One he left in Pedro a couple of pitches too long. The old goat had just given you 6 real good innings and the homer he gave up to Matsui was all Matsui and no Pedro. He had thrown 99 pitches I think and he was trotted back out there with a fully rested bullpen ready to deploy. Where he really killed them though was when Mariano came out in the top of the 8th for the 6 out save and Rollins draws the 10 pitch walk then Victorino singles. Full count on Utley and he doesn't send the runners. Utley grounds into a double play to end the inning with Ryan Howard on deck. You have to send the runners there. Especially with the speed you have occupying the bases at that moment. Could have been 2nd and third with the big fella up. Not a good move, at all. And I'll admit he was safe but it was real close and you can't fault the ump for that. Bang bang.

Add Charlie Manuel's patchy, pasty, pink red face to the bad HD list.

A-Rod better snap out of it quick or the NY media is going to turn on him faster than Sammy the Bull. 0-8 with 6 K's is not a good look.

Imagine, and not like he needs it but imagine Mariano Rivera had a change up in his repetoire?

AJ Burnett was unreal. Lots of Yankee fans had no faith in him. He was something else, getting stronger as the game went on. I would have let him come out for the 8th. Not a fan of the 6 out save. Even with Rivera's silly, stupid post season numbers.

Overall 17-23-2
Last Week 4-5-1
Situation -$1300

Texans -3.5 over BILLS ($200)

Going to do something strange here. Gonna take the top 3 teams that are getting heavy betting action via Las Vegas and bet against them. Bold strategy indeed. Each for $100.

San Fran +12.5 over COLTS who are getting 94% of the action right now.
Panthers +10 over CARDS who are getting a whopping 98% of the action right now.
Seahawks +9.5 over COWBOYS who are getting 87% of the action.

Browns +13 over BEARS ($300)
Like I said, I don't think the Bears are talented enough to give anyone two td's, not even the fighting Mangini's.

Vikes +3 over PACK ($200)
Jared Allen.

This post is gonna suck...

...because I'm really tired.

Phillies beat the Yankees in Game 1 of the Wrold Series. Cliff Lee was a beast. C.C. not so much.

Celtics beat the the Bobcats to go to 2-0. Cleveland loses to Toronto to fall to 0-2. I'm pretty sure this means exactly nothing.

Pedro is sorry he beat up an old man. It was a pretty funny moment to watch. Does that make me evil?

Larry Johnson suspended 1 game and will lose about $600k for his gay slur. That will teach his f$%^&t ass. He plans to appeal the suspension. Good luck with that.

Jeff Fisher will announce his starting QB on Thursday. Owner wants Vince Young. Fisher probably doesn't want to admit his mistake in not benching Kerry Collins sooner. The Titans season is over either way, so they might as well see if VY can put together something that slightly resembles offense.

Steve would have never let this happen. He would have karate chopped the guy to death.

I guess that is all I have. Yankees suck. Blessed be!

One word: NBA Preview

In case you haven't heard, Bill Simmons has a new book about basketball. You should buy it. Wins prediction in parentheses.
link to comments

Also info for the LOV fnba
ID:343879
pw:pathword

do it now

Atlantic Division

Boston: (58) They should be pretty good all season long in a weak division. I'm not in love with the Rasheed move, and with Big Baby out for awhile, Sheed will have to play more. Lets see how the Rondo drama plays out before we crown their asses

Philly: (44) Eddie Jordan is a solid head coach. Elton Brand is a solid PF. They need a true PG, but expect Igoudala to make a jump and Rodney Carney should improve to make this team a playoff contender again.

Torotno*: (40) Bosh will play like a madman in his contract year. Hedo will help, he's a quality playmaker with stones. Never liked the fact their two best big men would rather play on the perimeter (bargnani and bosh).

Caput Mundi: (33) D'antonio* still has his work cut out for him. Bloated payroll but they brought back kryptonate and david lee which gives them some hope. Don't sleep on Wilson Chandler, not sure how Jordan Hill fits in this system, but whatever.

New Jersey: (24) Nothing to like on this team...at all. Devin Harris will probably be traded by February. But at least they still have the Chairman.

Central Division

Cleveland: (56) Too much drama around this team right now. Lebron is he staying is he going, Shaq-fu, and Delonte West will make things fun at least. Take Lebron off this team and they're lucky to win 25 games.

Chicago: (43) Vinny D-N has this ship in the right direction. Derrick Rose is straight gangsta. They need another perimeter scorer, maybe Hinrich picks up the slack for the loss of Ben Gordon, but I doubt it.

Indiana: (33) Who is even on this team? Freak knows, nobody else cares. Way overpaid for Dahntay Jones. I like AJ Price, but he'll be buried on their bench behind TJ Ford, Earl Watson, and Travis Diener. It's nerve smat to carry 4 pgs.

Detroit: (30) Joe Dumars fires the coach after the season....again. Nothing to like here really, Stuckey isn't a PG, Rip is old, Gordon and Charlie V both got paid, and will be coming off the bench.

Milwaukee: (23) One of the worst run franchises in the league. Mike Redd has got to want to get out of there, and he's overrated. Brandon Jennings averaged like 6 pts/game in Italy, hate to tell you this Bucks fans, the NBA is a little tougher than the Italian pro league.

Southeast Division
Orlando: (53) Still have superman. They'll miss Hedo at the end of games, but are loaded with talent. Vinsanity is overrated at this stage of his career, not a team guy.

Atlanta: (46) A good solid team, Bibby has helped tremendously and should make them a decent playoff team next year. Joe Johnson is in a contract year and I always like to say Zaza Pachulia.

Miami: (45) D-wade is gone after this season. Beasley is a huge bust,Jermaine O'neal is a ghost, but I do like Mario Chalmers. This is a 25 win team without d-wade.

Warshington: (39) Gil is back and "healthy". Tough Juice is one of the most underrated players in the league, and they have a solid bench. Health will be this teams demise. I just don't see Gil/TJ/Jamison all playing over 70 games. I do like the pickup of Mike Miller and Randy Foye...but just way too many perimeter players here.

Charlotte: (26) Michael Jordan is a hot mess, if only he could lead this team like he did the President's cup team. No Okafor, no Sean May, nobody but Gerald Wallace and Ray Felton.

Northwest Division
Denver: (57) it's a true homer pick. Carmelo should finally make that leap to be a true star. Chauncey is still solid. They don't have enough size up front and will miss JR Swish the first 7 games. They still have a huge trade exception they could use in the next month.

Portland (55) Brandon Roy is ok. Greg Oden might be ok. Too much money paid to Lamarcus Alridge and Andre Miller, but I like Miller, he's a solid veteran PG exactly what this team was missing.

Utah (48) Deron Williams is probably the 2nd best PG in the league. They'll miss Kyle Korver, and I hate Carlos Boozer.

Seattle (41) Really good young team. I ♥ Durant and Westbrook. Shaun Livingston has bionic knees, and James Harden should be a great fit.

Minnesota (22) Just an awful situation. Their 2nd best player is in Spain. I like K-Love and Big Al and Jonny Flynn is going to be a good one. This team is only 6 years away from being good.

Pacific Division
Lakers (62) I hate the Lakers. Fudge Kobe, fudge Lamar, and fudge Ron Ron. I hope Phil dies and Pau gets bad AIDS.

Clippers (39) Might be better if Blake Griffin hadn't gotten hurt. Good pieces on this team, and they'll beat some people they're not supposed to beat.

Phoenix (38) Nash finally wears out. How could Amare fall so far so fast? This team could win 50 games, but the West is brutal again, and they just don't have the horses anymore.

Golden State (38) Interesting team with Stephen Curry and a healthy Monta Ellis. A ton of afletes on this team. Nelly ball gets old though and this team has problems with a lot of bigs.

Sacramento (22) They blew up the team they had a few years ago, and this team still blows. Geoff Petrie is too smart for his own good, and they're a long long long long ways away from ever being good again. I hate you Joe Maloof.

Southwest
San Antonio (60) I like the Richard Jefferson pickup, even if he is a fag. They got a steal in the 2nd round with Dajuan Blair. But health will always be their issue. I'm assuming no significant injury to Duncan, but that's a 50/50 chance. Duncan goes down and they only win 44 games.

New Orleans (46)CP3 will be spectacular, he's fun to watch. David West is solid, but Peja is just awful now. I like Okafor, and Darren Collison is going to be a good backup for CP3.

Dallas (45)Same team, same results I guess. Dirk is getting older, Jason Kidd sucks ballz, and Shawn Marion is over the hill, but might be a good fit...not.

Houston (36) Tough gritty team. They play better without McGrady, and played the Lakers pretty tough without Yao. I like Aaron Brooks and Ariza should fit in well.

Memphis (28) Really, do you want Allen Iverson mentoring Rudy Gay and OJ Mayo. Throw in Z-bo and you have disaster written all over this.

East Champion: Celtics
West Champion: Spurs*
Finals: Spurs*

This is the longest post I will ever right*

*spurs dependant on Duncan not getting hurt, 50/50 odds

1GRL 2NV

License Plate

Sometimes I over think these things. Saw 1GRL 2NV on my way to work. I was figuring she was 1 girl on her way to Nevada. I wanted to tell her that she was going East, which is not the way to Nevada. Then I figured this is a girl El Pad would like. Well I didn't get the waist down El Pad vision view, but the top was ok. Plus she wants to go to Nevada and she had that "I'd let you eat a burrito off me" look on her face. Yep, that is a look. It is like the "Stop talking to me" look, except there is a slight smile hidden in that mean look. It is hard to detect and takes a trained eye, but it can be done.

Anyway, so this is one girl on her way to Nevada but she is taking the long route by going east. So she must have a lot of money. So, rich, likes burritos, likes gambling, that's one girl to envy.

clipper talk

Seriously? Wow. Blake is out weeks with a broken kneecap? Is it April Fool's and nobody told me? That franchise can't buy a break. Well you know a metaphorical break. They can get broken kneecaps and bones all day long. I am starting to feel sorry for them. I'd have felt sorry for them a long time ago if their owner wasn't a giant Boner. And not the giant boner that Beth likes to see. I mean he is a giant version of Mike Seaver's best friend. Like 20 feet tall and what not. I have no clue what store a giant Boner like that shops out but I am sure I don't shop there.

NHL Update

Pittsburgh and Colorado have the most points so they must be the best teams. This being a sports blog we should know who is winning NHL. Now we do. Unless I lied.

World Series Preview

Umm, Yanks in 5. There will be some pitching and hitting and catching and fielding and runs and the Yanks will score more of those.

Indians Talk

Is it too late for them to hire Lou Brown? I don't know why they got rid of him.

IRTM*

Movie Review

The House of the Devil


Good lord when will this reality show crap end? Now they are making movies about building houses. I know this Extreme Makeover show employs Freak and I am glad to see him getting some $$$ but they didn't need to make a movie about it. And why did they pick the Devil's house? Why not the Super Devil? He rides a fiery motorcycle and carries a jar of marmalade, much more interesting than the regular devil.

In any case it is clear that Freak did not work on this one because the sound was way off. I am going to write in a suggest that this company use Freak for all boom mic purposes. I ask you all to do the same. Tell the producers of this movie that home makeover shows should not be movies and if they are going to do a show they shouldn't do one about the devil. Nobody wants to see his house, he doesn't need the press or free advertising.

It wasn't all bad in this show though. There was a chick carpenter and since it was the devil's house bad things kept happening to her. And by bad I mean some things that a viewer removed from the situation would enjoy watching. Like if you were watching it live it would feel uncomfortable, but if you were watching it in the comfort of your own home then you might say, "haha she got what she wanted anyway. That's right it is opposite world down here in hell (where it was filmed). No means Yes down here." But since it is a movie, even a reality movie, I am sure it was scripted. All those shows, even ones where the devil rapes a carpenter chick are fake. And seriously, she got what she deserved, that's why men are carpenters and women bake tasty treats. If some chick is going to wear a tool belt then she is just asking for the devil to make unwelcome advances....you know because they clearly are really welcome.

half a helmet sticker out of 5.



*IRTM (it's real to me)

Witty title

What a weekend of football. Alabamer should have lost. If they didn't have that 400lb fatas. block 2 FGs (AHIK*) they would have lost. Cincy continued to roll, even w/o their QB. Iowa wins on a last second score, and then they move up 2 spots in the BCS rankings. Iowa beats N. Iowa & Arkansas State by a total of 4 pts and then beat a 4-4 MSU team on a last second score, and they're ranked 4th. I know it's not a big deal because it's October, but if Iowa does end up going undefeated and finish in the top 2 (AHIK*), they will get steamrolled in the title game.

In NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE action, there were lots of blowouts. Colts, Pats, Bangles*, Chargers, Packers, Jets all won by at least 4 TDs. The purple kods finally lost. Alex Smiff came in and almost looked like a #1 draft pick. Dolphins had the Saints down but couldn't finish it.

So I guess Sam Bradtard* is gonna have season ending surgery (shocking) and then enter next season's NFL draft (shocking). Sucks for him that he cost himself probably about $10-15 mil by coming back to school this year.

I'm not watching the beisbol game, but right now it's 3-1 Yankees in the 7th inning. Yanks/Phils WS is just awful. Giants are also losing 24-14 right now to the Cardinals. Hopefully there aren't TVs down in Jamaica. Or if there are, hopefully they're at least 6 feet off the ground.
*Update: Yanks win, Carston Charles v. Clifton Pfifer Lee in Game 1 on Wednesday. Cleveland Indians fans rejoice!!!

I didn't see UFC104, but it sounds as if Rua outperformed Machida, but Machida got the unanimous decision. I guess they've already verbally agreed to a rematch. So that will probably suck.

Csil was telling me about how on Friday night she and a friend were guinea pigs for some police training in Phoenix. They got to drink throughout the night and after each drink, the police would field test them and give them a breathalyzer. I guess she ended up having 10 drinks and blew a .16. Then she drove home. I keed. But that sounds like a pretty suite gig. Her friend is dating a cop (who's married with kids) so I tolt her to tell me the next time they have that training because I like to drink for free too.

Go comment...

El Pad's Weekly Betting Guide

Taking the Yahoo lines, if they change oh well. Every pick is worth 100 units.

Just remember as you read this I'm just waking up, hopefully, and will probably wash my mouth out with some rum, then go down to the breakfast buffet and eat 11 pounds of bacon then take a dip in the salty, calm, turquiose Carribean sea.

EAD, DET, lean back nigga.

Overall: 13-18-1
Last Week: 0-4-1
Situation: -1200

BROWNS +7 over Green Bay
That O-line is turrible right now. Any front can get to Rodgers.

Colts -13 over RAMS
Suicide pick da jour.

PITTSBURGH -4 over Farveputians
6-1, Steelers hit Farve alot and hopefully the weather sucks.

New England -14 over TAMPA
59-0 again?

San Fran +3 over TEXANS
Can't figure the Houston squad out, I think it's their turn to lose this weekend.

Bears +1.5 over BENGALS
They have to win a road game. They have too.

Falcons +3.5 over DALLAS
Cowboys shouldn't give points right now, especially to a team that is clearly better than them. I don't care if the game is played at Jerry Jones's house with Troy Aikman as the ref.

New Orleans -6 over MIAMI
My god. The Saints are what weazy would call, REDONK.

NYG -7 over Arizona
Let's see what the Giants are made of. Are they imposters or champions?

SKINS +6.5 over Eagles
The Sherminator reigns supreme.

Piece out Mon!

No witty title

I'm not special enough to get a milestone post. Oh well.

Phillies win. Thanks a lot for showing up, Dodgers. Rev is probably celebrating with a bottle of champagne and 2 dozen Krispy Kremes as we speak. Too bad the Phillies are about to run into the Yankee buzzsaw. I honestly don't want to see either of those teams win the World Series, so barring a miracle comeback by the Angels, this guy will not be watching any WS games. Take that, MLB!

Cedric Benson thinks the Bears badmouthed him and that's why he had trouble finding another team to play for. how about the fact that you pretty much sucked in your first 3 years with the Bears? That might have been a factor.

As I reported earlier in the week, my band is no more. Long story short, one guitar player had to quit because of some personal issues. The bass player, already unhappy with the overall direction of the band, decided that rather than go through a search for a new guitar player, he would follow suit and leave the band to persue other opportunities. So the remaining three members decided to just call it quits and go out with a bang at our next show, which will be our last show. Between that, my birthday celebration and the Girls Gone Wild tour bus, we should accomplish just that. Too bad none of you guys can make it.

Funny cab story (maybe just to me). I sent one of my drivers to pick up Patriots' LB Derek Burgess. When Burgess got in the car, one of the other drivers came over the air and asked why Burgess has been so unproductive this season. No reply from that car yet. Hopefully, my driver isn't hurt or dead.

Last note, it seems like LOV contributors are dropping like flies. First Freak dropped out, then as. and now Tyler. WFT? Pretty soon every one will be replaced by new blood. I suppose it is good to get new perspective and such, but honestly, D- is D- no matter who writes it.