Friday, October 24, 2014

Mettenberger Time

Just doesn't roll off the tongue like Tebow Time

I hope one day some team signs Tebow so Adam Schefter explodes like he got hit from that gun Terry Crews wields in The Expendables.

Detroit -3.5 over Atlanta
No home team this game will be over before you knew it was on. Cheeri-o! They are boratcasting* it at 9am. Sorry West Coast. You are deprived of the shitty Falcons run defense. If there were a team in London, permanently I wonder what they would call it. I mean a new team. Like expansion. Not the fucking Jaguars. How about the Hogwarts? Or the Tea Bags!

Unrelated they should allow or we should force a team based in the U.S. in the Premiere League. That's soccer. If they get a NFL team we get a soccer team. Whats fair is fair god damn it.

KC- 7 over Rams
Austin Davis in Arrowhead. Yikes.

TITANS -2.5 over Houston
See the Post title.

Minny +2.5 over TAMPA
Think Lovie Smith is thinking shit I should have waited a year for a better job to open?

CAROLINA +5 over Seattle
Juicy home dog.

Baltimore -1 over CINCY
Two teams going in the opposite direction. A.J. Green's toe is killing them.

Miami -6 over JAX
Tannyhill been sick since his coach called him out.

Bears +6 over PATS
A lot of shit swirling around the Bears this week.

JETS -2.5 over Buffalo
Bills are one dimensional right now with a noodle armed QB.

AZ -2.5 over Philly
The Cards are for realz.

Oak +6.5 over BROWNS
Too many points. Is that the Browns giving more than a TD? WTF.

Colts -3 over STEELERS
Steelers are dogshit. Rothlisberger is not black enough.

SAINTS -1.5 over Packers
They're back!

Skins +10 over BOYS
Easy they ain't THAT good. Feed Alfie Mo, control clock. BLITZ.



Friday, October 17, 2014

Lamb Frites

Hitting a game winning home run to win the pennant must be the best, I can't think of a greater individual achievement in sports (obvi, if that were WS even better). But I tried to come up with something similar. Game winning three as time expired in basketball? Nah. Because you don't get to run a lap after. Floating around the base paths is the added touch I think. Game winning FG? Relax bro you're a kicker. You're SUPPOSED to make that.

In order to properly quarintine people who have had contact with Ebola you need to forcefully do it. Use Martial Law or something. People are retarded. Never give them the benefit of the doubt. Never.

Halloween is stupid.

38-48

BAL -7.5 over Falcons
Atlanta sucks. They suck worse on the road. NEXT.
Unlrelted I drove around Baltimore coming back from DC two weekends ago because of some I-95 nightmare detour calamity and the Ravens stadium is really purple. Looks like Barney got shot.

SKINS -5.5 over Titans
I got nothing. Other than DC is a cool town.

Seattle -7 over RAMS
How long is the Jeff Fisher leash you think? I say keep him, have to have some continuity these days in the NFL. Not his fault Bradford's knees are made from Polly-O string cheese.

JAX +5.5 over Browns
Gross.

INDY -3 over Bengals
Home team decisions. Is Pep that guys real name or like a nickname that just stuck? You think Andrew Luck crushes ass or nah? He's so weird.

Vikes +6 over BILLS
How dare the Bills be favored by a TD. They should throw the ball to Sammy Watkins every down.

BEARS -3 over Miami
Get your shit together Chicago.

DETROIT -2.5 over Saints
I don't know either of these teams. Lions seem like they are figuring it out though.

Carolina +6.5 over GREEN BAY
Munn Muff.

SD-4 over Cheifs
BRANDEN OLIVER! Guy runs like the a mini Nigerian nightmare.

AZ -3.5 over RAIDERS
Arians seems alright. Steelers have been terrible on offense since he left by the way. Or since they forced him to leave I mean.

NYG+7 over COWBOYS
All of a sudden Jerry Jones is a great GM. Would have been fired 5 times already if he had a boss. Took him 10 years to build an offensive line big deal. So happy people in Dallas have Ebola.

DENVER -7 over SF
I think I really hate Kaepernick. Not sure but I get angry when he does well. I think it's the swaggy dickish way he carries himself. Manning on record breaking nights is like unreal, national TV too?

Houston +3 over STEELERS
Pittsburgh is 12-0 on MNF. Ends this Monday. Turn down for Watt.


Friday, October 10, 2014

El Pad's Weekly Betting Disasters

32-40

So hockey now huh. Alrighty.

Phil Ivey is a greedy motherfucker huh?

Seems like 49er fans fight people alot. Fucking patos locos forever holmes.

You know what's dumb to me. This chick at work is doing like a charity drive for animals. Charities for animals are dumb. Because they are animals not people. The only charity associated with animals I like is Pets for vets ( i think that's the name) where fostered pets go to the homes of veterans returning from war zones. Anything for vets I'm in. And petting a happy dog probably stops them from killing themselves from PTSD trauma.

Adrian Petersons charity sounds cool.

Key and Peele are on fire.

PIKS

Jax +6 over TITANS
GET YOU ONE JVILLE. GET YOU ONE! They win outright.

TAMPA +3 over Ravens
There are still a few teams that I have no read on yet. And may never so I'll just side witht he home dog points. The Bucs do look a whole lot better with Glennon under center though. Which everyone knew besides Lovie. Sad it took an injury for the switch to happen. I think Rainey needs more touches. Especially with their WR corp banged up. And try that Austin-Sefarin Jenkins fellow at TE. He should see 10 looks a game. Fantasy reasons aside I'm serious. He fits the Jimmy Graham/Tony Gonzalez school of TE's (that is TE's that played college ball).

JETS +11 over Broncos
I keep taking the Jets and they keep shitting themselves. Either this ship is sinking faster than even I can imagine or that defense wakes up and starts playing competitive football again. It's ashamed during Rex's tenure he's never given one fuck about his offense. Not a good head coach. You can't be on the defensive headset all game buddy. You're the head coach not the defensive coordinator. Tough year for the Ryan boys.

Detroit -1.5 over VIKES
BILLS +3 over Pats
Carolina +7 over BENGALS

Jeopardy answer for you guys. Ready?

The Lions, Bills and Panthers.
Question : What other teams does El Pad have no fucking clue on yet and may not for the remainder of the year?

Daily Double.

But seriously. Who are the Lions? All this talent, middle of the pack team offensively. It feels like Schwartz is still coaching this team. The Bills. No identity offensively, can go from a leaky defense to a stout defense on a play to play basis. And the Panthers? Jekyll and Hyde defense which is a far cry from the unit Rivera oversaw last year. And no running game to speak of. None. 85% same roster. Don't get it.

BROWNS -2 over Steelers
The Browns is that kid you used to play ball against back on the playground or schoolyard where you'd beat him reguarly every summer but then he sprouted up over the school year - got real wiry and his adam apple dropped and he got that ridiculous pubey mustache with pimples everywhere and now it's a fucking job to beat him. And sometimes he beats you, for the first time. I think I'm trying to say the Browns just may be on the cusp of turning the corner.

Green Bay -3 over FINS
How many hamburgers do you think Mike McCarthy can eat? Probably like 4 or 5 right? He probably crushes white castle suitcases on film nights.

San Diego -7 over RAIDERS
Sparano buried a ball. Cute. He should have buried the GM. And Richard Seymour's contract. And Mark Davis's face.

FALCONS -3 over Bears
True road/home split team. Just like New Orleans. Also the Devin Hester story to this game is a factor. Same way the Ravens/Panthers - Steve Smith Sr. thing. But less violent and less anger.

SEATTLE -? over Cowboys
First of all this line is all over the place. I'm seeing 7.5 - 10. So whatever it goes off as I'll take. Cowboys are playing real well but Seattle is a dominant team at home. Feels like the game where Murray gets hurt. Then Romo falls apart.

ARIZONA -3.5 over Skins
Line would be higher if the Cardinals had a QB penciled in. Losing feeling in a shoulder sounds like a shitty injury for a QB. Don't think it matters the Washington franchise is a mess right now.

PHILLY -2.5 over Giants
Gmen will find a way to let Philly off the hook again. The Eagles have to be the worst 4-1 team. They have like 8 non-offensive TD's. Some teams don't get that in a season. Maybe they are doing a good job of forcing all those mistakes or maybe they are lucky. Either way fuck them I hate Philly and all the awful people that live there.

ST LOO +3 over Niners
Start Wainwright at QB. The fuck is this game. I hate when Execs get cute and try and predict juicy matchups. Not sure how the selection process happens, as far as who picks first. But let's say after CBS picks their prime game and Fox picks theres ESPN goes before NBC. Rams/Niners is the pick? If in fact NBC wnet after ESPN they must have laughed so hard before picking Philly/NY.













Friday, October 03, 2014

I'm the worst

23-36

No clue what it going on. Better off having a groundhog emerge from the ground to make the picks.

I will soilder on.

CAROLINA +2.5 over Bears
When I was in North Carolina earlier this year I drove by Bank of America stadium, by the whay they should just rename Charlotte, Bank of America because thier logo is everywhere. I think they make up 90% of the downtown business. Anyway I saw a giant wrap around Cam Newton image of him screaming and doing the superman chest thing. Thought that was cool.

TITANS -1 over Browns
Thought the Titans would be competitive the past two weeks. Vs. Cincy and the Colts they got manhandled. Those teams are light years ahead of the Browns.

Rams +7.5 over PHILLY
Wonder what teams are ATS off a bye week...with a chance to prepare for two weeks vs. one team? I like the points.

GIANTS -4 over Falcons
Are the Giants finally settling in to that offense? If so.....rut ro. If not.....sad face.

Tampa +10 over SAINTS
WFT. 10 points.

Houston +6.5 over DALLAS
I'm afraid the Cowboys are not world beaters just yet. Jesus media. YOU WANNA ANNOINT THEY ASS?! ANNOINT THEM. THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE.

DETROIT -7 over Buffalo
OG Neckbeard is hilarity.

INDY -3 over Ravens
Baltimore use to be the Colts. True story.

Steelers -6 over JAX
Should have signed Tebow.

Arizona +7.5 over BRONCOS
Interesting game for the Cardinals. Measuring stick.

KC +6.5 over NINERS
JETS +7 over Chargers
Nothing to see here. Move along.

Cincy -1 over NE
We will be swimming in tears of joy once the engals manhandle the Pats on prime time tv. Back to back beatings on TV. Gonna be suite.

Seattle -7.5 over SKINS
I'm going to D.C. this weekend. Little R&R. Not to see this game. Maybe I'll see if CMP wants to go to a Nats game.

Friday, September 26, 2014

El Pad's weekly betting column

F-22's are awesome. I want one. I like the balls our Obama sprouted the other day.
Joe Philbin is a terrible head coach.
Is it me or does Ron Rivera had a fucked up eye?
Halloween shit everywhere.
MALLOMARS. DET.
Fall weather is the best. . (period) .
What the fuck is Mike Martz up to.
Taking the wife to D.C. for a weekend away from life.
DC City Center thing looks nice.
Georgetown is lovely.
News cycle blows by so fast did they find that fucking plane yet?
Simmons biting the hand that feeds him.....

PICK ME.

18-28

Packers -1.5 over BEARS
Relax everyone, just relax. Olivia Munn's muff has nothing to do with my shitty play. Blame McCarthy. He hasn't had snatch in 12 years. - Rodgers (mustache emoji)

Buffalo +3 over HOUSTON
So much for that feel good Buffalo vibe. Good vibrations stop real quick when you get manhandled at home. Thing is the Chargers are pretty fucking good. At least right now they are. These teams are fairly even so I'll side with the FG.

Titans +7.5 over COLTS
Playing Jacksonville solves problems. I don't what happened to the Titans last week. They pulled a Bucs. I see this being closer than the experts think.

Carolina +3 over BALTIMORE
When the NFL zigs. You zag. That means I have no fucking clue.

JETS -1 over Detroit
All that offense and besides smacking the Giants around the Lions have not looked explosive. Vick please.

STEELERS -7.5 over Bucs
Though I think the Bucs will play better. I can't take them right now.

Miami -3.5 over RAIDERS
Tannyhill gonna rip the Raiders a new one. In foggy London town. Save his job. For a week. Hope Justin Tuck likes playing with his extra 2MM in cash while he miserably loses 12 games a year until he retires.

SD -14 over Jax
This line could be 21 and I'd not consider Jacksonville. Although........BORTLES!

Atl -3 over BRIDGEWATERS!
I hope Teddy razzles and dazzles.

Philly +4.5 over NINERS
San Fran just ain't right. We all called it. We're all right.

New Orleans -3 over DALLAS
Saints gonna drop nutsacks on Dallas.

KC +3 over Pats
Home dog on Monday night? Yes please. FYI Brady looks sort of ordinary. Push the button?

Friday, September 19, 2014

El Pad's Weekly Betting Not Advice

Uncle Ron quit cuz he cheated on his wife? Seems weird.
The market likes that Scotland stayed with the U.K.
If you stand in line for an iPhone you are retarded.
Fucking Alibaba
I say make Neo the new Cheif of Oracle now that Ellison is retiring.
J Lo is the OG of butts. Ok. OG. Hail to the queen.
Butts are so hot right now.
Pandora finally got around to playing "Round Here" by the Counting Crows on my "Campfire" playlist. Every fucking Crows song but that they played. Assholes.
Bruno Mars sketch in SNL where he was the Pandora voice during outages was tremendous.
Wish Buddy Holly never died. I bet he would have put out some incredible stuff had he lived past his 22nd birthday. Like why did we get 30 years of Waylon Jennings and not 30 years of Buddy Holly?

"Neil Patrick Harris And David Burtka Reenacted The Meatball Scene From ‘Lady And The Tramp’"
That headline made me throw up in my mouth a bit.

Week 3
11-20

BUFFALO -2.5 over Chargers
I went from thinking the Bills were a doormat to thinking they are a playoff team in three weeks. There is no NFL barometer. It's all hocus pocus. This just in : Rivers wife is pregnant. $50 says when Rivers retires they have a reality show on TV with all thier kids on like the Lifetime channel. A new "Phillip & The Christians" tonight 9pm only on Lifetime.

Dallas -1 over RAMS
Rams looked better. Dallas looked better. Although didn't it seem like the Titans kind of played shitty like not from a result of the Cowboys playing well? I don't know they had like 6 FG's. Either way the Rams seem on track for a 4-12 season which I would assume would put Fisher in the hot seat. I know he's been leveled with injuries, specifically, Bradford but maybe employing a decent backup would have been smat*? Like a strong veteran or TEEEEBOOOOOWWWWW. And just smashmouth run the ball 70% of the time and play D.

PHILLY -6.5 over Redskins
If Philly can start a game like they end them they'd be dominant. Formula seems to be they rely on that 4th quarter energy to score points. The Eagles make love then fuck. You know what I mean?

GIANTS +2 over Texans
Foster looks teriffic by the way but alot of people look good vs. the Raiders. This game is going to be a mess but I think the G-men get on the board here.

SAINTS -10.5 over Vikings
Remember when the Saints had to deal with all those distractions from Bountygate? Saints get right on their carpet.

Titans +7 over BENGALS
Titans are one of the few teams that match up with the Bengals in the trenches. Which is the Bengals strong suit. Hobbled A.J. Green, bye next week, Burfict out - forget the 7 I think the Titans get a road dog win.

Baltimore -1.5 over BROWNS
If anyone knows the whereabouts of Torrey Smith please contact Joe Flacco and Gary Kubiak at 410-266-2012. $500 reward.

DETROIT -2.5 over Green Bay
I think it's clear to us all that the Lions are better than the Packers. Especially at home. Is Caldwell the guy to push all the right buttons? The Lions won't see a defense like the Panthers the rest of the year. So chalk up last weeks struggles to the Panthers stout defense.

Indy -7.5 over JAX
If there is a lock of the year that wasn't the week one lock of the year it's this one. Just trust me. MORTGAGE ME!

PATS -14 over Raiders
No comment.

San Fran -3 over ARIZONA
I mean I'd need at least a TD to side with Drew fucking Stanton. The Giants self-destructed last week. Stanton was awful to slightly less awful at best. Who heads butt a woman?

Denver +5 over SEATTLE
Give me those Peyton Manning seeking revenge points!!! I got $100 that says Peyton practiced this whole week using 747 engine turbines to mimic the decibel level in Seattle. Welker back. Even he doesn't catch a ball he will make a difference. How is this game not on primetime either Sunday or Monday night? Jets-Bears / Carolina-Pittsburgh?

Cheifs +4 over FINS
When in doubt take the points. Both teams scuffling.

CAROLINA -2 over Burgh
Dat D.

JETS -2.5 over Bears
Aren't the Bears shitty vs. the run? Isn't the run the Jets strongest look?

Better Than El Pad's Weekly Betting Advice


I gotta ask. You guys ever knock one out in the woman's room at work?  I'd do it every day if it wasn't for all these laws about lewd acts.  It's retarded that a guy can't just rub one out whenever or wherever he wants.
/LP

I've been eating bratwurst almost every day since some time in July.  I don't mind though.  Twenty pounds of brats for $20 is a tremendous savings on food.  I'm not having much variety, but fuck it, cheap food.  You all know by now how I feel about paying for food.

Fucking Broors.  I can't believe they were 19 games over .500 this season.  As of typing this, they sit at 6 over.  Weird thing is I feel better about the Brewers taking over the division lead than I do about them making the play-in game.  It's dumb, but that's how I feel.  Also, I really like Matt Clark.  I know, SSS, but he was raking it in AAA.  Speaking of AAA, the Brewers got fucked over by Nashville, and now the AAA club is stuck in fucking Colorado Springs for at least two years.  Yeah, that's not going to ruin our pitching prospects.

HOLY SHIT, those Buccaneers uniforms are horrific.  Tem, WFT?

Speaking of the Bucs, Tem, can you give us the story of how or why you're a Buccaneers fan in the comments?

I think that's enough, on to my picks.  I'm using the current MGM Mirage lines.

San Diego +2.5 over BUFFALO
How on earth are the Bills favored in this game?

Dallas +1 over ST LOUIS
I understand that the Cowboys defense stinks, but the Rams -1 without Tavon Austin?  Not buying it.

Skins +6.5 over Philly
Taking a flyer on this one.  Washington can control the pace if they run the offense through Alfie Mo.

GIANTS +2.5 over Houston
LP says the Giants stink. I'm rooting for some kind of a shootout here.  Get Victor the Rock.  Fantasy reasons.

SAINTS -10 over Minnesota
I just think the Saints are gonna peterroll the Vikes.

Titans +7 over BENGALS
Just a feeling.  Jake Locker doesn't actually suck, and AJ Green might not play.

Baltimore -1 over BROWNS
Flacco, Smith, Smith, Pitta, Daniels.  That should be enough.

Sheesh


Ted Norris rules

LIONS! -2.5 over Green Bay
Fuck the Packers.  47-17

Indy -7 over JACKSONVILLE
Andy Luck is awesome, the Jags are dreadful

NEW ENGLAND -14 over Oakland
Awful West Coast team traveling all the way east.  They're cooked.

San Fran -3 over ARIZONA
Because San Fran vs Arizona

SEATTLE -5 over Denver
Crowd's gonna be hyped, and the Hawks are gonna be amped to show the Super Bowl was no fluke.

Kansas City +4 over THE FISH*
How the fuck are the Dolphins favored by over a field goal in this game?

CAROLINA -3 over Pittsburgh
Cam & 'em might could mollywop the Stillers.  Panthers are damn good.

Bears +3 over JETS
The Jets stink.  Let's be real here.  And I'm starting Cutty over Peyton in the Brew Crew Ball league.

Well, there it is, LP.  Your turn.
  







Friday, September 12, 2014

El Pad's Weekly Betting Advice

First some randomness. How hard is it to eat no carbs for breakfast and why would someone choose to do that? Further let's say you didn't like eggs? Or egg whites. That makes it almost impossible right? Also for the working man who doesn't eat breakfast at home it's really hard to do that.

What's the deal with vitamins? Do you guys take a multi vitamin? How come the kinds available are priced so different? Like shouldn't all vitamins be about the same price. I mean if they all contain vitamins wouldn't you think they would get sourced in a similar way? Maybe it's because a brand like Nature's Way contains more natural additives than say Centrum which may or may not contain pulverized sheet metal bits. I feel I get enough vitamins or my daily allowance of vitamins through my meals but I'm probably dead wrong about that. My Dr. tried to sell me on Vita-Lea brand vitamins. They are like $30. He must be in bed with the sales rep or something.

Wife is funny, she's obsessed with everything about Fall season but Football. We got pumpkin candles all over the place, I saw the Halloween decoration tote in the hallway which means they'll be up soon. She's pumped. Then, football is on today too? So it's on Thursday now? Sunday and Monday? (And Satruday if you count college) R A, R?

unto my picks......Think Keef pointed out to everyone it was a rough first week. Still getting to know some teams. I got 5-11. Oof.

Miami -1 over BUFFARRO
Interesting game to pick considering both teams were impressive in Week one victories. Dolphins riding a high of beating the Pats pretty handily in their home opener and the Bills coming off an impressive overtime win on the road. A game I figured the Bears would easily win. So either the Bears have some kinks to work out including not getting manhandles at home or they aren't as good as I thought or the Bills are better than I thought. Fins win was more impressive and I like the way they ran the ball with the re-tooled offensive line. Think they pack their defense with them and beat Buffalo pretty good Sunday.

Jax +5.5 over SKINS
Is this line for real? How is it already assumed the Redskins are better than the Jaguars? Does it have something to do with allowing 34 straight points to the Eagles last week? Did anyone making the lines in Vegas watch the Redskins play last week? They were brutal. Anemic on offense. The torches for RGIII's head will be organizing soon enough.

TITANS -3.5 over Dallas
Hard to pick Dallas on the road with the stench from that home fart still lingering. Locker looked VERY good. Eager to see if it continues.

Arizona -3 over GIANTS
Hard to pick the Giants anywhere knowing they still have no fucking idea what to do on offense. I don't know why they think moving Eli around is a good idea. And when he drops back a pocket to throw from would be nice. I don't want to talk about it anymore I'm fittin' to throw a lamp.

New England -3 over MINNY
Impressive win for Minnesota but it could be the Rams, down to the 3rd stringer at QB, were just really bad. I don't feel like looking up the last time the Pats had back to back losses (in the same season) but I'm sure it was probably a long time ago and I'm sure Belichick/Brady combo is something stupid like 32-1 after a loss.

New Orleans -7 over BROWNS
First, looks like Josh Gordon is back soon ehough which fuck man I should have wasted a pick on him at some point but who knew? Second Rob Ryan's defense got record setting torched last week. The Browns don't have that kind of fire power so look for them to take it out on them and roll up some crooked numbers. NO D is a solid fantasy play this week IMO.

Falcons +5 over CINCY
Matt Ryan was surgical last week. I think the Bengals eek out a win but not by the spread. They will need to run the ball and control time of possession.....feed Jeremy Hill more. He hungry.

CAROLINA -2.5 over Detroit
The Lions looked great but the Giants played awfully poor for us to annoint Detroit. Cam is back. Kelvin Benjamin could be the playmaker I have been asking Carolina to develop/draft.....stay tuned. As a side note Greg Hardy is playing, he was found guilty by a judge for beating and choking his then girlfriend. He appealed so it's now pending a court date for trial by jury (that seems backwards) but anyway until he wins/loses the appeal both the NFL and Carolina organization are allowing him to play. Seems like a poor choice. If I'm Carolina don't I set an example to the league and to the fans and community by not allowing Greg to play? Even if it's a few games. It doesn't seem appropiate to let him play.....

TAMPA -6 over Rams
Can't take Rams right now. I imagine they will play better because it can't get any worse than last week but how much better? Also Bucs, please give Bobby Rainey the ball more. Make a "Sproles" package for him or something.

Seattle -6 over CHARGERS
I think I'm taking Seattle every week. They'll probably be giving every week and will probably have a winning record ATS.

Houston -2.5 over RAIDERS
Oakland looked pretty awful. J.J. Watt is impossible. He should be in the Avengers.

Jets +8 over GREEN BAY
New York seems stout enough on D to hang around in this one. Give Rodgers and company some fits early. Millner is back (not that I'm high on him but he is their #1 CB). Geno on the road, just in general, is a scary thought but spotting a good defensive team with 8 points that can run the ball 50 times...... i'm taking the points.

DENVER -13 over Cheifs
Denver O kind of sputtered at times. Particuarly in the second half. Thought the defense played pretty good. The Cheifs are like 2-9 since starting last season 9-0 or something like that. Losing Derrick Johnson is no bueno. Manning has racked up some gaudy #'s vs. the Cheifs and I see no reason why this game will be any different.

Bears +7 over NINERS
Bears should be able to move the ball on San Fran and be in this one all the way. I know it's the home opener in a new stadium on primetime but that's motivation for the Bears too.

INDY -3 over Eagles
Luck going to carve through the Eagles on Monday night. Give me that over 53.5 too.



Friday, September 05, 2014

El PAD's weekly bets

FOOOOTBBALLLLL

Simmons nailed it. Goodell is a joke but nothing he could ever do will pull us away from this game. Anyone boycotting the season because Ray Ray went Ike on his fiancé? Didn't think so. A child could be raped on the Dallas Star at midfield and the next week the NFL will get top ratings. It's a machine. Perhaps this is Al-Qaeda sending subliminal messages. Perhaps.

Weekly Betting. Can someone keep track of the record? Or is that supposed to be me?

Should I go back to choice bets or bet em all?

Your choice. Respond in the comments (why am I acting like more than 3 people read this?)

Ok, first week I'll hit all out the box but maybe choice, or alternate or whatever Im feeling that week since I'm the only one that fucking posts anyway.

assholes.

PICK ME!

Saints -3 @ ATLANTA
I saw Hard Knocks. Falcons are still soft. And they still have no one to cover Graham.

RAMS -3 over Vikes
Rams D can beat a team like Minnesota at home. They'll score enough. Heard Mike Sam likes cock.

Browns +7 over STEELERS
I don't like the Steelers this year, I've said this. I think they struggle similar to last year out the gate. I say they win this contest but not by a TD. Joe Haden is sneaky a top 3 corner. Yeah I said 3. 3.

Jags +10.5 over PHILLY
That Gus Bradley enthusiasm has reached Brooklyn. Jags scare the Birds.

JETS -5.5 over Oakland
I like the JETS this year. Geno sucks sheep ass but dat d will keep em relevant late in the year. They squash Oakland.

Cincy -1 over RAVENS
Tough call but if the Bengals are going to be a threat in the AFC they have to win within the division on the road. Eager to see the smashmouth running game they are promising.

BEARS -7 over Bills
Lock of the year. The Bills have looked atrocious. They already tuned out Marrone and the swirling ownership thing is a problem. Bears may drop 40.

Skins -3 over HOUSTON
I think RGIII will be in the pocket as long as the rush isn't coming. Can't walk away from the kids instincts. He will for sure miss some games this year. He makes plays with his legs in this one to squeak out a win.

CHEIFS -3 over Titans
Wanted to go Titans here but a home opener in Arrowhead is up there. Tall task for the whizzantors.

Pats -4 over FINS
No one is mentioning at least that I've heard about NE's defense. It's going to be stout this year.

BUCS -2.5 over Cam
No secret the world expects the Panthers to regress. Again do they have any wide receivers. Have I ranted yet on how they never have anyone in support of Cam on the outside? Bucs still have work to do, some people I saw picked them to compete for the division, I don't see it but whatever. Cover 2 has been around since TP was a toddler.

Niners -4 over COWBOYS
Have you read the Cowboys depth chart for their defense? Does Jerry know he has to draft and develop both sides of the ball? Is he already in Al Davis territory? God I hope he lives to be 120.

DENVER -7.5 over Colts
All day. Can the Colts protect Luck, on the road, vs. Von Miller and Demarcus Ware?

Giants +5.5 over LIONS
Just hoping Eli's confused face all pre-season was constipation.

Chargers +3 over ARIZONA
Take the over.

Red Zone here I come.












Friday, August 29, 2014

NFL Preview - Mad Busy Yo Version

NFC East
Philly by default because I'm officially worried about Elisha Norman Manning. RGIII sucks. Dallas sucks. You all know this already. It's Giants and Philly. We'll see. Fucking Bob McAdoo confusing the Eli. Fucker. Philly's defense is awful by the way. Under the radar story there. Even if they win the division they won't win shit in January with that sloppy ass D.

Philly 10-6
Giants 9-7
Skins 8-8 (Go back to my previews, like 80% of the time I have the skins at 8-8, so annoying right)
Boys 6-10 (Garrett fiiiiirrrrrreed)

NFC North
My favorite division to watch this year. Is it me or is this a stacked offensive division. No more NORRIS division defensive matches. This is balls to the wall air it out. Cutler with two, count em - TWO thousand yard receivers and Forte coming off a career year. Cutty gonna ball this year. BALL. I'm big on the Bears, this Trestman might be a genius. Rodgers is Rodgers. McCarthy is aloof I think. At times. And their defense still is shaky. Play Bridgewater man. Cmon. The Lions with offensive firepower too. I think they should slow it down a bit, feature Joique Bell and throw it early to Golden Tate who should open up the field a bit, a hair for Calvin......Ebron sucks. Waste of a pick. They needed a corner.

Bears 11-5
Packers 10-6
Detroit 8-8
Vikings 6-10

NFC West
STACKED. Bradofrd going down took some win out of the NFC West is the best division sails argument. Again Niners outside looking in. But they will still hurt people. Carlos Hyde might save their season. I still am sour on Kapernick. He's pocket passing, I just don't know. Seahawks are loaded. 12 wins all day. Arizona is much improved. Arians is gold. Ellington is going to have a monster year. Floyd is already BETTER than Fitz. Poor Rams. They seemed like they were ready to turn the corner.

Hawks 12-4
Arizona 11-5
49ers 9-7
Rams 7-9

NFC South
Hard Knocks is so boring. The Falcons might have the worst defense in the league. Bryan Cox is fucking hilarious though. Mike Smith's mandals are depressing. Carolina regresses, it's science. The Saints run away with this one. I got nothing on the Bucs.

Saints 13-3
Carolina 9-7
Falcons 8-8
Bucs 7-9

Division winners - Philly, Bears, Saints (bye), Hawks (bye)
Wild Card - Arizona, Packers
Wild Card Round - Bears over Packers (38-34), Arizona over Philly (41-31)
Divisional Weekend - Hawks over Bears (30-18), Saints over Arizona (44-35)
Championship Sunday (best weekend of footyball) - Saints over Hawks (24-17)

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AFC East
So unfair the division stay shitty for all of Brady's life. So unfair. The Bills are trash. The Dolphins are confusing. The JETS are actually good until you watch Geno Smith play for more than 5 series. So tired of penciling them in. Seriously.

Pats 11-5
JETS 9-7
Dolphins 8-8 (Philbin fired, Ireland fired)
Bills 3-13

AFC North
Pretty good division here. Really like the Bengals this year. Like really. Totally unrelated but I have to watch the Beyonce VMA performance after this. She's incredible. Any chance the Steelers tuned out Mike Tomlin? I just dont vibe on the Steelers. Poor Cleveland. They'll be yelling for Manziel by week 3.

Bengals 12-4
Ravens 10-6
Steelers 7-9
Cleveland 5-11

AFC West
Fucking Chargers. Any other year they win this thing but Manning man. Gase will be a head coach this time next year. I really like the Chargers. No shot the Cheifs run out to the same start as last year. If MJD plays well watch out for Oakland. Two headed monster running attack with a limited DMC/MJD. I'd start Carr. Fucking nuts I know but Schaub aint the answer.

Broncos 13-3
Chargers 11-5
Oakland 9-7
Cheifs 8-8

AFC South
I'll tell you what. I fucking like the Jags to make some fucking noise this year. Fuck yeah I do. Fuck yeah. Jacksonville baby. Eat a dick. Unrelated but Melissa McCarthy is fucking highlarryus in The Heat. Totally hilarious. Totes mcgoats. Anyway about Bill Bradley. Too bad they don't have a QB. Colts? Eh. I happen to think Pagano is overrated. Nothing to do with the Lukemia thing. Bravo to him. But they have Luck. Better them than anyone else. QB league. Denver waxes them on Sunday night though. Titans suck.

Colts 10-6
Jags (yup Eat it) 9-7
Texans 7-9
Titans 5-11

Division winners : Broncos (bye), Bengals (bye) Pats, Colts
Wild Card : Chargers, Ravens
Wild Card rounds : Chargers over Pats, Ravens over Colts
Divisional Weekend : Broncos over Ravens, Bengals over Chargers
Championship Sunday : Broncos over Bengals

Super Bowl : Redemption is spelled B-R-O-N-C-O-S. Broncs over Saints 44-38

Very exciting Super Bowl.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Gems

I got to start working on my NFL preview. Right now all I truly know is the Cowboys will suck again. Show signs of not sucking then suck on National TV in heartbreaking Cowboy fashion and it will be awesome. And people will be fired. Also I'm on that "49ers will not make playoffs" bandwagon so jump off if you think i'm a mush. Few reasons, NFC West is now stacked, the backup to Kapernick is shit and they will need it and some injuries on defense. Also the GM hates Harbaugh's guts cuz he's a fucking maniac.

This insane amount of money pouring into the ALS foundation, few questions. How expensive is research? And that is just a general question. Because probably about a trillion dollars have been donated to all kinds of diseases, AIDS, cancer, heart disease, etc. Are diseases the one thing in this world that we can't throw money at to go away? Conspiracy theorists say they will never find a cure to keep the drug companies and network of specialists profitable. That is one conspiracy I could buy into, I don't but it's not out of this world. When greed is involved anything is possible.

Sometimes the inside part of a pretzel smells like fish skin.

Check the Emmys nominations, proves out my tv watching habits. Network TV just ain't good, cable dominates the landscape. Better writing.

Goldschlager must be pissed that Fireball is taking over the markets.

I think a Top Chef threesome of me Padma and Gail Simmons would be cool. Like first a fancy dinner, some champagne. Then a fancy hotel with a comfy bed, maybe some toys.

Putin better leave McDonald's alone.

Speaking of, Meiz you meant McDonald's regular ass hamburger right? Because their premium menu burgers are good, some very good. Further I noticed McDonald's has decided to play one of thier aces in the hole I always talked about. Grocery store coffee. CHA CHING.

I'm surprised there aren't more corporation espionage movies out there or more popular. Maybe there isn't enough action? Michael Clayton was the last good one I thought. Even though that was like a law firm type deal. They use coporate espionage as it's own twist within a movie they need to make some movies cenetered around it. Happens all day everyday. All espionage is cool. National security, corporate interests, political (what makes House of Cards so good). The word of the day is Espionage.

Stop trying to get me to give a fuck about the FIBA basketball tournament. Lick my balls. Wake me up when we hit the beaches of Rio.

When Hulk Hogan dies I'm going to his funeral.

Think this : teenage boys spank banks are so much better than ours were

Rob Dyrdek is 40. Carry on.

Gravity is ridick* on a nice big tv.

F-M-L- Nicky Minaj, Iggy Azela, Ariana Grande
Go.





Friday, August 15, 2014

Weekly dive into the mind of El Padrino

When I drink a ice cold beer, espeacially one that I have been craving all day, I think to myself, man can life get any better?

Jim Abbott is fucking awesome. Random thought but dude pitched in the major leagues with no right hand.

I'm such a wussbag now I can't get through an episode of Real Sports without losing it during one of their segments.

Kobe is #4 on the all time scoring list? Holy fucks. I spaced on that one.

T minus 2 weeks until my cousins wedding, the baby of the family, and still no speech written by me yet.

FOOTBALL

I fucking hate play doh

American Beauty is so weirdly exceptional.

So instead of donating money to find a cure people just dump a bucket of ice on themselves? Instead of paying taxes can we just do that too?

Oh when we talk about blowjobs are we talking like, from start to finish or does any amount of time with our collective cock in our respective wives mouth count?

I had a corporate culture meeting today and totally had shit on my mind to say but didn't. Not smat*. Just figured once I started I wouldn't be able to stop so I held it in.

These Chip Kelly is a god articles have to stop.

Have no clue what happened on that race track last week but it seems like getting out of your car while cars are racing by you is a good way to get hurt.

Friday, August 08, 2014

Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nothing to Fuck Wit

You know who loves that Dalton deal? Big Ben Raplisberger. He gonna cash that check soon.
Another year of football another year of fantasy football torture.

So Russia is basically starving it's own people by banning U.S. food. Good look. Hope everyone likes potatoes.

Hawaii is getting double teamed.

WAYYYYY to much Ninja Turtle talk. It's just a movie you guys.

Tulo talk:
sick and tired of losing = wants traded
but they won some while he was there no? wasnt he part of two incredible september runs, one resulting in a pennant and a world series appearance? More than some superstars.

Baseball so humbling. Prodigy like Harper just scuffling like never before. Baseball is the hardest sport to play in my opinion. You fail 7 out of 10 times and are still considered a great hitter. Couple that with having to have decent range at your position or throwing a fastball that doesnt get hit.

If anyone says Golf I will donkey punch you on sight. Golf isn't even a spurt* COLOV nigga.

Gelato >>>>>>> Ice cream

The news is pretty fucking sad, sadder than usual I'd say. ISIS, Ebola, Ukraine, missing planes, John Kerry, African leaders at white house, Gaza, Israel, jesus christ man.

Anything else you guys wanna talk about during the week? Let me know I'll write a post about whatever you want.



Friday, July 25, 2014

Steak is delicious

whats the wildest game you've eaten?  Bison over rice doesn't count H


I had goat it was good.  Elk was super lean but tasty.  Rabbit I guess was the gamiest.  I liked it though.


Thought The Internship was pretty funny.  People gon hate.


My two cents on Lebron.
The backlash from the Decision is the reason why he is going back.  The sentiment of returning home is 2nd.  You all know that right.  He was trying to right a wrong.  The media and most of the fans ate it up.  Scar tissue remains.  Time will heal the wound and if he wins a ship in Clev all will be forgotten but if he doesn't -- the scar will last forever.


FOOTBALL.


Bach party AC Aug 2nd I planned it.  I'm the best man.  Shit is gonna be HDH.  Old Homestead at 10pm.  Some group gambling.  Got a rate for bottle service (which I detest) that wasn't bad at the Gypsy Bar then more group gambling.  Midgets are scheduled for 2am.  Then back down for gambling, individual I imagine.  Gonna need like 2 g's.


Boys will be boys.


Not sure you heard me, perhaps there is a baseball game in the background that is distracting you but


FOOOOTTTBALLL.


Seinfeld fans - It's coming to Netflix.


Imaginext Toys have taken over my living room.


Fucking Brew Crew huh Meiz?





Friday, July 18, 2014

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"





"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem





"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug





"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino





"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H





"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino





"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino