Friday, December 19, 2014

Roasted Chicken and Red Wine

Hi how is everyone?
You have everything set for xmas?
What's the big kid gift this year?
Any time off?

Please don't answer any of the above questions. I'm sure you answered them a million times in your own corp settings.

Real story on WWL : "New England has the only NFL offense that changes its game plan each week to attack opponents' flaws. " - Thought everyone did that? Isn't that kind of the point of studying tape. So confused.

I'm a little surprised they benched Cutler, despite his poor season isn't he still the guy there? Don't they need to work together? Meaning Trestman, Cutty and the OC guy? Or fuck it they will clean house.

Looks like, to my count, 7 jobs will be open. Seems high.
Oak, Miami, Jets, Niners, Bears, Falcons, and a wild card or surprise if you will.

For me it's a toss up between Jay Gruden resigning or Bengals firing Lewis if they miss the playoffs. If they fire Lewis people will march and yell Black Lives Matter. Also small chance Ron Rivera goes. Giants are keeping Coughlin. Guaranteed.

10% chance Sean Payton leaves or gets fired. Just a feeling. Even though him and Brees are so connected.

I'm hoping Harbaugh takes the money. GO BLUE!

Starting watching Sons of Anarchy. So far so good.


If Philly doesn't smash Washington then Jameis Winston is involved somehow.

San Fran because Rivers possibly out.

Sota with a huge road win sealing Philbins fate.

Baltimore because they need to keep pace in the wild wild North chase.

Detroit because Claussen is not the answer.

Carolina because Manziel is Troy Smith / Billick

New Orleans because Superdome.

Green Bay because no fucking way.

Burgh because KC doesn't throw the football.

New England because they study tape better than everyone else.

Giants because of course they will finish 7-9 to frustrate their fan base and not force any changes.

Oakland because Derek Carr is a stud.

Indy because Luck has played shitty three weeks in a row.

Seattle because they are dominating right now.

Denver because Dalton.

======)> - - - - (:

Friday, December 12, 2014

El Pad's Xmas Wish List 2014 version

I want all of these things but will get none of these things.

Still looking for that Taser.....
A case of Booker's Bourbon. It is simply my favorite on earth.
Microsoft Surface Pro laptop/tablet
One of those cordless screwdrivers, whichever one allows you to change the angle and has a little light.
Silpat silicone baking sheets
a Charles Thyrwitt gift certificate so I can buy my dress shirts
All of Michael Ruhlman's cookbooks
Air Jordan 11's
Bose SoundTouch Wi-Fi music system
A nice pair of cufflinks
Pat La Frieda's MEAT book and a 5 pounds of his Shake Shack hamburger blend
A squatty potty, for less stressful shits

Steelers -1
Chris Rock called Rothlisberger the Bill Cosby of the NFL. Ha.

Giants -6.5
What a mess the Skins are.

Miami +7.5
Everyone is picking New England to be in the Super Bowl right now.

KC -10
I really like Carr but the Cheifs are due.

Indy -7
Luck can suck sometimes ya know.

Bal -14
GB -4
Rodgers is certainly the best.

Car -3
Cle -1
Johnny. Football.

Jets -2
Den -4
Det -9.5

SF +10
Whoa. Vegas is mad sour on SF huh? Doesn't help thier QB is a mental midget.

Philly -3
NO -2.5
How do you pick the Bears for anything right now?

Friday, December 05, 2014

Ice Pops

Man Kim Kardashian visiting the troops. I can still hear the fapping.

Mikey Rourke strikes me as that actor who talks like he is in a movie all the time.

Oil is backing Putin into a corner. The ruble is crashing. He is getting desperate which makes him dangerous.

Harbaugh in Ann Arbor? If I'm AD at Michigan I hand my program over to Greg Schiano. That motherfucker can coach.

We have a local weather person here for ABC, her name is Amy Freeze. Perfect name. Also she has big tits.

Meiz are you on Tinder? Or is pussy still not a priority for you?

If animals were gay I think Giraffes would be the gayest.

I think excessive force was used during the Eric Garner arrest and I think the cop should have been indicted on manslaughter charges. I wouldn't call that murder. I'm surprised he got off. Well not surprised because prosecutors and cops lie in the same bed but the evidence seemed overwhelming. I don't even mind the chokehold to take him down but once he said he couldn't breath, let go. There are 5 of you. I'm sure he could have been contained and even if he starting swinging out of it he was already on the floor. Pathetic. I'm surprised they bothered a fat dude selling loosies outside a store. There has to be something more pressing to resolve than untaxed cigarette sales? Also, that's ATF's job. Go get the REAL drugs off the street.

The Ferguson grand jury got it right. That dude was a piece of shit and put the cop in an impossible situation. With that said, I don't think beat cops are trained properly or given the proper tools to defend themselves. Rubber bullets, tasers, old-fashioned night sticks.

Terminator Genysis trailer is HDH but I'm totally confused. John Conner is sent back in time to save his mother?
Or is the Terminator sent back in time and to the future to bring down Skynet?

Fucking Skynet.


Cincy -3
(Dalton is Cutler 2.0 with less zip)
Stl -3
(Tre Mason time)
Giants pick em
(Jints lead the league, again, in players on injured reserve, by a mile too)
Carolina +10
(Cam Newton took two steps back this year, quietly a non story for some reason)
Jets +6
(It's fucking cold in Minnesota right now)
Miami -2.5
(Why isn't Richie Incognito playing football but Jonathan Martin is?)
Indy -3.5
(I don't believe in Hoyer, Pettine is playing himself right now)
Det -10.5
(Run it Detroit, you will need the running game in the post season)
Jax +6
(If I see another JJ Watt story I'm going to murder someone)
Denver -10
(They are lock city at home in the regular season)
KC -1
(Cheifs get off the snide, Arizona has real injury problems and Stanton is not taking them anywhere)
Sea +1
(Because defense travels and it's rounding into form)
SF -8
(Not a road game, Kaepernick will never be a franchise QB, he is so immature)
NE -3.5
(Like I said earlier in the year, coming off a loss the Pats are basically indestructable)
GB -13
(Good god the Falcons have no shot)

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Turkey sucks


Friday, November 21, 2014

Jungle Fever

It's snowing in Buffalo.

Is Ebola still a thing?

How is Tebow on the SEC network? Does anyone outside of the gulf coast area watch that channel?

I'm not comparing the Cosby thing to the Paterno thing because Joe Pa didn't touch anyone but it is eerily similar. Fall from grace, old people, rapey, etc.

Christmas is here.

Homeland is straight fire right now.

You will be taking the Mets seriously next year. All of you.

Never had Gumbo.

What's Spiff up to?

Record, ask Keef

Falcons -3
Titans +11
Detroit +7.5
Green Bay -9.5
Jax +14
Cincy +1
Jets + 3
Bears -6
Arizona +7
St Loo +4
Denver -7
SF -10
Giants +3
Balt +3

Friday, November 14, 2014

clubbing penguins

Sammy Watkins hair is too long. You would think speedsters wouldn't want all that drag.

Finished True Detective finally. HOLY MOLY.

Collitch Bball starts. Pitino vs. Pitino. WHO YA GOT.

30 for 30's are so solid

Jameis Winston seems like a bad dude.

ISIS prints thier own money now. This is not good.

People know we've seen Kardashian (younger and hotter than she is now) sucking cock on video right? Who cares she posed nude for a publication no one heard of? WTF am I missing?

Story of the week is a comissioner of one of the top 4 pro sports all for legal gambling on sports....

Don't believe the hype, Economy is worse than ever.

This may shock some of you but at Apple's stock price now, hitting all time highs (again) I think it's just now starting to ripen, think it could even double within 24 months. Do with that info as you may.

Pinch me! We got Michael Cuddyer!

Sad that chick from Real World died from cancer.

The concert for valor was cool.


Makes no sense the Bears are favored (-2.5) so I will just take them.

BROWNS -3 over Texans, insane cover of SI this week saying JJ WATT could be MVP. So absurd. In this day and age of QB and passing game he has as much of a shot at winning MVP than Ray Rice. Whoever wrote that fucking sucks.

KC-2 over Hawks, KC playing really well going to be a pain in the ass in the tourney if they score a Wild Card spot.

Atlanta +1 over CAROLINA, two steaming piles of NFC South crap going at it, I hope RED ZONE shows no part of this game. I'll just watch the TD montage before they go off air.

NO-7 over Cincy, Get the feeling the Bengals are in a bit of a tailspin here......

WASH -9 over Tampa, Joey Gruden, nephew of John son of Jay plays basketball for the Dayton Flyers. Fun Fact.

Denver -10 over RAMS, watch out for the sneaky special team tricks Bronco coaches they will try anything to keep the ball away from Peyton. Jeff Fisher knows.

GIANTS +4 over Niners, That 49er QB is such a bitch. I hate him so much.

Oak +10 over SD, Sparano is like undefeated ATS except for when he plays Peyton.

GB -6 over Philly, great game - real test for the new wetback hero of South Philly, we'll see how well he plays in cold temps in front of a juiced up Packer crowd

AZ -1 over Lions, big time game wish it was the national game

NE +3 over Indy, isn't Belichick like 99-1 off a bye?

Pit -6 over TITANS, ugh can we flex this game to London or Islamabad and put the AZ/DET game in this time slot?

Don't worry about the title, just trying to draw some traffic here.

Friday, November 07, 2014


My life is out of control busy. I work the equivalent to 7 days a week, sometimes actually 7 consecutive days. Close to 70 hours a week. I need a real vacation. I feel my temper at my day job creeping up to aitch type boston brawl level.

Move ya facking faggit.

Green Bay

what have you guys been up to.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Boo! (Get it?)

World Series analysis
Doesn't matter how much he weighs The Panda can RAKE.
He was like a spanish Tony Gywnn this post-season.
Bumgarner throws alot of high fastballs that generate alot of outs. Is that a riser?
Giants winning without thier best hitting player doing anything of value. (Posey)
Joe Buck's double play call in Game 7 - Could be, Should be, Is. Double Play!
Harold Reynolds fawning over EVERYTHING
Fuck Marlin Man.

Other anaylsis
Hope my kids get a ton of SPK's.
Lil man is Captain America, girl is Spidergirl. (Feeling Marvelous) (Get it?)
Interstellar will not live up to the hype because the hype is a fucking skyscraper.
How does that Disney/Marvel deal look now haters?
Knicks are good. S.

Record : Keef knows

BROWNS - 7 over Bucs
Logic: Don't take the Bucs for the rest of the year under any circumstance.

Az +4 over COWBOYS
Dallas in trouble. Exposed by Jim Haslett. He layeth the blueprint. Bowles will follow it and then some. Immobile Romo.

HOUSTON +2 over Philly
Philly's o line is banged up.

KC -10 over Jets
How do I take the Jets they are brutal.

Jax +11 over BENGALS
That's a lot of points to give when your QB has red hair.

SD +2.5 over Miami
A week to stew over the beating Manning put to them last Thursday the Chargers will roll Miami.

Skins even over VIKES
RG!!! is ba....... Oh man looks like his right leg exploded. He's out.

ST Loo +10 over SF
Seems high.

Den -3 over BRADY
It's the Manning vs. Brady! CBS execs are having a bukakke party right now at headquarters.

Oakland +16 over SEATTLE
Too much inconsistency to lay wood like that.

Bal -2 over STILLIRS
Bethca big ben doesn't throw 6 tds and over 500 yards again? How much you wanna bet.

Indy -3 over GIANTS

Friday, October 24, 2014

Mettenberger Time

Just doesn't roll off the tongue like Tebow Time

I hope one day some team signs Tebow so Adam Schefter explodes like he got hit from that gun Terry Crews wields in The Expendables.

Detroit -3.5 over Atlanta
No home team this game will be over before you knew it was on. Cheeri-o! They are boratcasting* it at 9am. Sorry West Coast. You are deprived of the shitty Falcons run defense. If there were a team in London, permanently I wonder what they would call it. I mean a new team. Like expansion. Not the fucking Jaguars. How about the Hogwarts? Or the Tea Bags!

Unrelated they should allow or we should force a team based in the U.S. in the Premiere League. That's soccer. If they get a NFL team we get a soccer team. Whats fair is fair god damn it.

KC- 7 over Rams
Austin Davis in Arrowhead. Yikes.

TITANS -2.5 over Houston
See the Post title.

Minny +2.5 over TAMPA
Think Lovie Smith is thinking shit I should have waited a year for a better job to open?

CAROLINA +5 over Seattle
Juicy home dog.

Baltimore -1 over CINCY
Two teams going in the opposite direction. A.J. Green's toe is killing them.

Miami -6 over JAX
Tannyhill been sick since his coach called him out.

Bears +6 over PATS
A lot of shit swirling around the Bears this week.

JETS -2.5 over Buffalo
Bills are one dimensional right now with a noodle armed QB.

AZ -2.5 over Philly
The Cards are for realz.

Oak +6.5 over BROWNS
Too many points. Is that the Browns giving more than a TD? WTF.

Colts -3 over STEELERS
Steelers are dogshit. Rothlisberger is not black enough.

SAINTS -1.5 over Packers
They're back!

Skins +10 over BOYS
Easy they ain't THAT good. Feed Alfie Mo, control clock. BLITZ.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Lamb Frites

Hitting a game winning home run to win the pennant must be the best, I can't think of a greater individual achievement in sports (obvi, if that were WS even better). But I tried to come up with something similar. Game winning three as time expired in basketball? Nah. Because you don't get to run a lap after. Floating around the base paths is the added touch I think. Game winning FG? Relax bro you're a kicker. You're SUPPOSED to make that.

In order to properly quarintine people who have had contact with Ebola you need to forcefully do it. Use Martial Law or something. People are retarded. Never give them the benefit of the doubt. Never.

Halloween is stupid.


BAL -7.5 over Falcons
Atlanta sucks. They suck worse on the road. NEXT.
Unlrelted I drove around Baltimore coming back from DC two weekends ago because of some I-95 nightmare detour calamity and the Ravens stadium is really purple. Looks like Barney got shot.

SKINS -5.5 over Titans
I got nothing. Other than DC is a cool town.

Seattle -7 over RAMS
How long is the Jeff Fisher leash you think? I say keep him, have to have some continuity these days in the NFL. Not his fault Bradford's knees are made from Polly-O string cheese.

JAX +5.5 over Browns

INDY -3 over Bengals
Home team decisions. Is Pep that guys real name or like a nickname that just stuck? You think Andrew Luck crushes ass or nah? He's so weird.

Vikes +6 over BILLS
How dare the Bills be favored by a TD. They should throw the ball to Sammy Watkins every down.

BEARS -3 over Miami
Get your shit together Chicago.

DETROIT -2.5 over Saints
I don't know either of these teams. Lions seem like they are figuring it out though.

Carolina +6.5 over GREEN BAY
Munn Muff.

SD-4 over Cheifs
BRANDEN OLIVER! Guy runs like the a mini Nigerian nightmare.

AZ -3.5 over RAIDERS
Arians seems alright. Steelers have been terrible on offense since he left by the way. Or since they forced him to leave I mean.

All of a sudden Jerry Jones is a great GM. Would have been fired 5 times already if he had a boss. Took him 10 years to build an offensive line big deal. So happy people in Dallas have Ebola.

DENVER -7 over SF
I think I really hate Kaepernick. Not sure but I get angry when he does well. I think it's the swaggy dickish way he carries himself. Manning on record breaking nights is like unreal, national TV too?

Houston +3 over STEELERS
Pittsburgh is 12-0 on MNF. Ends this Monday. Turn down for Watt.

Friday, October 10, 2014

El Pad's Weekly Betting Disasters


So hockey now huh. Alrighty.

Phil Ivey is a greedy motherfucker huh?

Seems like 49er fans fight people alot. Fucking patos locos forever holmes.

You know what's dumb to me. This chick at work is doing like a charity drive for animals. Charities for animals are dumb. Because they are animals not people. The only charity associated with animals I like is Pets for vets ( i think that's the name) where fostered pets go to the homes of veterans returning from war zones. Anything for vets I'm in. And petting a happy dog probably stops them from killing themselves from PTSD trauma.

Adrian Petersons charity sounds cool.

Key and Peele are on fire.


Jax +6 over TITANS
GET YOU ONE JVILLE. GET YOU ONE! They win outright.

TAMPA +3 over Ravens
There are still a few teams that I have no read on yet. And may never so I'll just side witht he home dog points. The Bucs do look a whole lot better with Glennon under center though. Which everyone knew besides Lovie. Sad it took an injury for the switch to happen. I think Rainey needs more touches. Especially with their WR corp banged up. And try that Austin-Sefarin Jenkins fellow at TE. He should see 10 looks a game. Fantasy reasons aside I'm serious. He fits the Jimmy Graham/Tony Gonzalez school of TE's (that is TE's that played college ball).

JETS +11 over Broncos
I keep taking the Jets and they keep shitting themselves. Either this ship is sinking faster than even I can imagine or that defense wakes up and starts playing competitive football again. It's ashamed during Rex's tenure he's never given one fuck about his offense. Not a good head coach. You can't be on the defensive headset all game buddy. You're the head coach not the defensive coordinator. Tough year for the Ryan boys.

Detroit -1.5 over VIKES
BILLS +3 over Pats
Carolina +7 over BENGALS

Jeopardy answer for you guys. Ready?

The Lions, Bills and Panthers.
Question : What other teams does El Pad have no fucking clue on yet and may not for the remainder of the year?

Daily Double.

But seriously. Who are the Lions? All this talent, middle of the pack team offensively. It feels like Schwartz is still coaching this team. The Bills. No identity offensively, can go from a leaky defense to a stout defense on a play to play basis. And the Panthers? Jekyll and Hyde defense which is a far cry from the unit Rivera oversaw last year. And no running game to speak of. None. 85% same roster. Don't get it.

BROWNS -2 over Steelers
The Browns is that kid you used to play ball against back on the playground or schoolyard where you'd beat him reguarly every summer but then he sprouted up over the school year - got real wiry and his adam apple dropped and he got that ridiculous pubey mustache with pimples everywhere and now it's a fucking job to beat him. And sometimes he beats you, for the first time. I think I'm trying to say the Browns just may be on the cusp of turning the corner.

Green Bay -3 over FINS
How many hamburgers do you think Mike McCarthy can eat? Probably like 4 or 5 right? He probably crushes white castle suitcases on film nights.

San Diego -7 over RAIDERS
Sparano buried a ball. Cute. He should have buried the GM. And Richard Seymour's contract. And Mark Davis's face.

FALCONS -3 over Bears
True road/home split team. Just like New Orleans. Also the Devin Hester story to this game is a factor. Same way the Ravens/Panthers - Steve Smith Sr. thing. But less violent and less anger.

SEATTLE -? over Cowboys
First of all this line is all over the place. I'm seeing 7.5 - 10. So whatever it goes off as I'll take. Cowboys are playing real well but Seattle is a dominant team at home. Feels like the game where Murray gets hurt. Then Romo falls apart.

ARIZONA -3.5 over Skins
Line would be higher if the Cardinals had a QB penciled in. Losing feeling in a shoulder sounds like a shitty injury for a QB. Don't think it matters the Washington franchise is a mess right now.

PHILLY -2.5 over Giants
Gmen will find a way to let Philly off the hook again. The Eagles have to be the worst 4-1 team. They have like 8 non-offensive TD's. Some teams don't get that in a season. Maybe they are doing a good job of forcing all those mistakes or maybe they are lucky. Either way fuck them I hate Philly and all the awful people that live there.

ST LOO +3 over Niners
Start Wainwright at QB. The fuck is this game. I hate when Execs get cute and try and predict juicy matchups. Not sure how the selection process happens, as far as who picks first. But let's say after CBS picks their prime game and Fox picks theres ESPN goes before NBC. Rams/Niners is the pick? If in fact NBC wnet after ESPN they must have laughed so hard before picking Philly/NY.

Friday, October 03, 2014

I'm the worst


No clue what it going on. Better off having a groundhog emerge from the ground to make the picks.

I will soilder on.

CAROLINA +2.5 over Bears
When I was in North Carolina earlier this year I drove by Bank of America stadium, by the whay they should just rename Charlotte, Bank of America because thier logo is everywhere. I think they make up 90% of the downtown business. Anyway I saw a giant wrap around Cam Newton image of him screaming and doing the superman chest thing. Thought that was cool.

TITANS -1 over Browns
Thought the Titans would be competitive the past two weeks. Vs. Cincy and the Colts they got manhandled. Those teams are light years ahead of the Browns.

Rams +7.5 over PHILLY
Wonder what teams are ATS off a bye week...with a chance to prepare for two weeks vs. one team? I like the points.

GIANTS -4 over Falcons
Are the Giants finally settling in to that offense? If so.....rut ro. If not.....sad face.

Tampa +10 over SAINTS
WFT. 10 points.

Houston +6.5 over DALLAS
I'm afraid the Cowboys are not world beaters just yet. Jesus media. YOU WANNA ANNOINT THEY ASS?! ANNOINT THEM. THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE.

DETROIT -7 over Buffalo
OG Neckbeard is hilarity.

INDY -3 over Ravens
Baltimore use to be the Colts. True story.

Steelers -6 over JAX
Should have signed Tebow.

Arizona +7.5 over BRONCOS
Interesting game for the Cardinals. Measuring stick.

KC +6.5 over NINERS
JETS +7 over Chargers
Nothing to see here. Move along.

Cincy -1 over NE
We will be swimming in tears of joy once the engals manhandle the Pats on prime time tv. Back to back beatings on TV. Gonna be suite.

Seattle -7.5 over SKINS
I'm going to D.C. this weekend. Little R&R. Not to see this game. Maybe I'll see if CMP wants to go to a Nats game.

Friday, September 26, 2014

El Pad's weekly betting column

F-22's are awesome. I want one. I like the balls our Obama sprouted the other day.
Joe Philbin is a terrible head coach.
Is it me or does Ron Rivera had a fucked up eye?
Halloween shit everywhere.
Fall weather is the best. . (period) .
What the fuck is Mike Martz up to.
Taking the wife to D.C. for a weekend away from life.
DC City Center thing looks nice.
Georgetown is lovely.
News cycle blows by so fast did they find that fucking plane yet?
Simmons biting the hand that feeds him.....



Packers -1.5 over BEARS
Relax everyone, just relax. Olivia Munn's muff has nothing to do with my shitty play. Blame McCarthy. He hasn't had snatch in 12 years. - Rodgers (mustache emoji)

Buffalo +3 over HOUSTON
So much for that feel good Buffalo vibe. Good vibrations stop real quick when you get manhandled at home. Thing is the Chargers are pretty fucking good. At least right now they are. These teams are fairly even so I'll side with the FG.

Titans +7.5 over COLTS
Playing Jacksonville solves problems. I don't what happened to the Titans last week. They pulled a Bucs. I see this being closer than the experts think.

Carolina +3 over BALTIMORE
When the NFL zigs. You zag. That means I have no fucking clue.

JETS -1 over Detroit
All that offense and besides smacking the Giants around the Lions have not looked explosive. Vick please.

STEELERS -7.5 over Bucs
Though I think the Bucs will play better. I can't take them right now.

Miami -3.5 over RAIDERS
Tannyhill gonna rip the Raiders a new one. In foggy London town. Save his job. For a week. Hope Justin Tuck likes playing with his extra 2MM in cash while he miserably loses 12 games a year until he retires.

SD -14 over Jax
This line could be 21 and I'd not consider Jacksonville. Although........BORTLES!

I hope Teddy razzles and dazzles.

Philly +4.5 over NINERS
San Fran just ain't right. We all called it. We're all right.

New Orleans -3 over DALLAS
Saints gonna drop nutsacks on Dallas.

KC +3 over Pats
Home dog on Monday night? Yes please. FYI Brady looks sort of ordinary. Push the button?

Friday, September 19, 2014

El Pad's Weekly Betting Not Advice

Uncle Ron quit cuz he cheated on his wife? Seems weird.
The market likes that Scotland stayed with the U.K.
If you stand in line for an iPhone you are retarded.
Fucking Alibaba
I say make Neo the new Cheif of Oracle now that Ellison is retiring.
J Lo is the OG of butts. Ok. OG. Hail to the queen.
Butts are so hot right now.
Pandora finally got around to playing "Round Here" by the Counting Crows on my "Campfire" playlist. Every fucking Crows song but that they played. Assholes.
Bruno Mars sketch in SNL where he was the Pandora voice during outages was tremendous.
Wish Buddy Holly never died. I bet he would have put out some incredible stuff had he lived past his 22nd birthday. Like why did we get 30 years of Waylon Jennings and not 30 years of Buddy Holly?

"Neil Patrick Harris And David Burtka Reenacted The Meatball Scene From ‘Lady And The Tramp’"
That headline made me throw up in my mouth a bit.

Week 3

BUFFALO -2.5 over Chargers
I went from thinking the Bills were a doormat to thinking they are a playoff team in three weeks. There is no NFL barometer. It's all hocus pocus. This just in : Rivers wife is pregnant. $50 says when Rivers retires they have a reality show on TV with all thier kids on like the Lifetime channel. A new "Phillip & The Christians" tonight 9pm only on Lifetime.

Dallas -1 over RAMS
Rams looked better. Dallas looked better. Although didn't it seem like the Titans kind of played shitty like not from a result of the Cowboys playing well? I don't know they had like 6 FG's. Either way the Rams seem on track for a 4-12 season which I would assume would put Fisher in the hot seat. I know he's been leveled with injuries, specifically, Bradford but maybe employing a decent backup would have been smat*? Like a strong veteran or TEEEEBOOOOOWWWWW. And just smashmouth run the ball 70% of the time and play D.

PHILLY -6.5 over Redskins
If Philly can start a game like they end them they'd be dominant. Formula seems to be they rely on that 4th quarter energy to score points. The Eagles make love then fuck. You know what I mean?

GIANTS +2 over Texans
Foster looks teriffic by the way but alot of people look good vs. the Raiders. This game is going to be a mess but I think the G-men get on the board here.

SAINTS -10.5 over Vikings
Remember when the Saints had to deal with all those distractions from Bountygate? Saints get right on their carpet.

Titans +7 over BENGALS
Titans are one of the few teams that match up with the Bengals in the trenches. Which is the Bengals strong suit. Hobbled A.J. Green, bye next week, Burfict out - forget the 7 I think the Titans get a road dog win.

Baltimore -1.5 over BROWNS
If anyone knows the whereabouts of Torrey Smith please contact Joe Flacco and Gary Kubiak at 410-266-2012. $500 reward.

DETROIT -2.5 over Green Bay
I think it's clear to us all that the Lions are better than the Packers. Especially at home. Is Caldwell the guy to push all the right buttons? The Lions won't see a defense like the Panthers the rest of the year. So chalk up last weeks struggles to the Panthers stout defense.

Indy -7.5 over JAX
If there is a lock of the year that wasn't the week one lock of the year it's this one. Just trust me. MORTGAGE ME!

PATS -14 over Raiders
No comment.

San Fran -3 over ARIZONA
I mean I'd need at least a TD to side with Drew fucking Stanton. The Giants self-destructed last week. Stanton was awful to slightly less awful at best. Who heads butt a woman?

Denver +5 over SEATTLE
Give me those Peyton Manning seeking revenge points!!! I got $100 that says Peyton practiced this whole week using 747 engine turbines to mimic the decibel level in Seattle. Welker back. Even he doesn't catch a ball he will make a difference. How is this game not on primetime either Sunday or Monday night? Jets-Bears / Carolina-Pittsburgh?

Cheifs +4 over FINS
When in doubt take the points. Both teams scuffling.

CAROLINA -2 over Burgh
Dat D.

JETS -2.5 over Bears
Aren't the Bears shitty vs. the run? Isn't the run the Jets strongest look?

Better Than El Pad's Weekly Betting Advice

I gotta ask. You guys ever knock one out in the woman's room at work?  I'd do it every day if it wasn't for all these laws about lewd acts.  It's retarded that a guy can't just rub one out whenever or wherever he wants.

I've been eating bratwurst almost every day since some time in July.  I don't mind though.  Twenty pounds of brats for $20 is a tremendous savings on food.  I'm not having much variety, but fuck it, cheap food.  You all know by now how I feel about paying for food.

Fucking Broors.  I can't believe they were 19 games over .500 this season.  As of typing this, they sit at 6 over.  Weird thing is I feel better about the Brewers taking over the division lead than I do about them making the play-in game.  It's dumb, but that's how I feel.  Also, I really like Matt Clark.  I know, SSS, but he was raking it in AAA.  Speaking of AAA, the Brewers got fucked over by Nashville, and now the AAA club is stuck in fucking Colorado Springs for at least two years.  Yeah, that's not going to ruin our pitching prospects.

HOLY SHIT, those Buccaneers uniforms are horrific.  Tem, WFT?

Speaking of the Bucs, Tem, can you give us the story of how or why you're a Buccaneers fan in the comments?

I think that's enough, on to my picks.  I'm using the current MGM Mirage lines.

San Diego +2.5 over BUFFALO
How on earth are the Bills favored in this game?

Dallas +1 over ST LOUIS
I understand that the Cowboys defense stinks, but the Rams -1 without Tavon Austin?  Not buying it.

Skins +6.5 over Philly
Taking a flyer on this one.  Washington can control the pace if they run the offense through Alfie Mo.

GIANTS +2.5 over Houston
LP says the Giants stink. I'm rooting for some kind of a shootout here.  Get Victor the Rock.  Fantasy reasons.

SAINTS -10 over Minnesota
I just think the Saints are gonna peterroll the Vikes.

Titans +7 over BENGALS
Just a feeling.  Jake Locker doesn't actually suck, and AJ Green might not play.

Baltimore -1 over BROWNS
Flacco, Smith, Smith, Pitta, Daniels.  That should be enough.


Ted Norris rules

LIONS! -2.5 over Green Bay
Fuck the Packers.  47-17

Andy Luck is awesome, the Jags are dreadful

NEW ENGLAND -14 over Oakland
Awful West Coast team traveling all the way east.  They're cooked.

San Fran -3 over ARIZONA
Because San Fran vs Arizona

SEATTLE -5 over Denver
Crowd's gonna be hyped, and the Hawks are gonna be amped to show the Super Bowl was no fluke.

Kansas City +4 over THE FISH*
How the fuck are the Dolphins favored by over a field goal in this game?

CAROLINA -3 over Pittsburgh
Cam & 'em might could mollywop the Stillers.  Panthers are damn good.

Bears +3 over JETS
The Jets stink.  Let's be real here.  And I'm starting Cutty over Peyton in the Brew Crew Ball league.

Well, there it is, LP.  Your turn.

Friday, September 12, 2014

El Pad's Weekly Betting Advice

First some randomness. How hard is it to eat no carbs for breakfast and why would someone choose to do that? Further let's say you didn't like eggs? Or egg whites. That makes it almost impossible right? Also for the working man who doesn't eat breakfast at home it's really hard to do that.

What's the deal with vitamins? Do you guys take a multi vitamin? How come the kinds available are priced so different? Like shouldn't all vitamins be about the same price. I mean if they all contain vitamins wouldn't you think they would get sourced in a similar way? Maybe it's because a brand like Nature's Way contains more natural additives than say Centrum which may or may not contain pulverized sheet metal bits. I feel I get enough vitamins or my daily allowance of vitamins through my meals but I'm probably dead wrong about that. My Dr. tried to sell me on Vita-Lea brand vitamins. They are like $30. He must be in bed with the sales rep or something.

Wife is funny, she's obsessed with everything about Fall season but Football. We got pumpkin candles all over the place, I saw the Halloween decoration tote in the hallway which means they'll be up soon. She's pumped. Then, football is on today too? So it's on Thursday now? Sunday and Monday? (And Satruday if you count college) R A, R?

unto my picks......Think Keef pointed out to everyone it was a rough first week. Still getting to know some teams. I got 5-11. Oof.

Miami -1 over BUFFARRO
Interesting game to pick considering both teams were impressive in Week one victories. Dolphins riding a high of beating the Pats pretty handily in their home opener and the Bills coming off an impressive overtime win on the road. A game I figured the Bears would easily win. So either the Bears have some kinks to work out including not getting manhandles at home or they aren't as good as I thought or the Bills are better than I thought. Fins win was more impressive and I like the way they ran the ball with the re-tooled offensive line. Think they pack their defense with them and beat Buffalo pretty good Sunday.

Jax +5.5 over SKINS
Is this line for real? How is it already assumed the Redskins are better than the Jaguars? Does it have something to do with allowing 34 straight points to the Eagles last week? Did anyone making the lines in Vegas watch the Redskins play last week? They were brutal. Anemic on offense. The torches for RGIII's head will be organizing soon enough.

TITANS -3.5 over Dallas
Hard to pick Dallas on the road with the stench from that home fart still lingering. Locker looked VERY good. Eager to see if it continues.

Arizona -3 over GIANTS
Hard to pick the Giants anywhere knowing they still have no fucking idea what to do on offense. I don't know why they think moving Eli around is a good idea. And when he drops back a pocket to throw from would be nice. I don't want to talk about it anymore I'm fittin' to throw a lamp.

New England -3 over MINNY
Impressive win for Minnesota but it could be the Rams, down to the 3rd stringer at QB, were just really bad. I don't feel like looking up the last time the Pats had back to back losses (in the same season) but I'm sure it was probably a long time ago and I'm sure Belichick/Brady combo is something stupid like 32-1 after a loss.

New Orleans -7 over BROWNS
First, looks like Josh Gordon is back soon ehough which fuck man I should have wasted a pick on him at some point but who knew? Second Rob Ryan's defense got record setting torched last week. The Browns don't have that kind of fire power so look for them to take it out on them and roll up some crooked numbers. NO D is a solid fantasy play this week IMO.

Falcons +5 over CINCY
Matt Ryan was surgical last week. I think the Bengals eek out a win but not by the spread. They will need to run the ball and control time of possession.....feed Jeremy Hill more. He hungry.

CAROLINA -2.5 over Detroit
The Lions looked great but the Giants played awfully poor for us to annoint Detroit. Cam is back. Kelvin Benjamin could be the playmaker I have been asking Carolina to develop/draft.....stay tuned. As a side note Greg Hardy is playing, he was found guilty by a judge for beating and choking his then girlfriend. He appealed so it's now pending a court date for trial by jury (that seems backwards) but anyway until he wins/loses the appeal both the NFL and Carolina organization are allowing him to play. Seems like a poor choice. If I'm Carolina don't I set an example to the league and to the fans and community by not allowing Greg to play? Even if it's a few games. It doesn't seem appropiate to let him play.....

TAMPA -6 over Rams
Can't take Rams right now. I imagine they will play better because it can't get any worse than last week but how much better? Also Bucs, please give Bobby Rainey the ball more. Make a "Sproles" package for him or something.

Seattle -6 over CHARGERS
I think I'm taking Seattle every week. They'll probably be giving every week and will probably have a winning record ATS.

Houston -2.5 over RAIDERS
Oakland looked pretty awful. J.J. Watt is impossible. He should be in the Avengers.

Jets +8 over GREEN BAY
New York seems stout enough on D to hang around in this one. Give Rodgers and company some fits early. Millner is back (not that I'm high on him but he is their #1 CB). Geno on the road, just in general, is a scary thought but spotting a good defensive team with 8 points that can run the ball 50 times...... i'm taking the points.

DENVER -13 over Cheifs
Denver O kind of sputtered at times. Particuarly in the second half. Thought the defense played pretty good. The Cheifs are like 2-9 since starting last season 9-0 or something like that. Losing Derrick Johnson is no bueno. Manning has racked up some gaudy #'s vs. the Cheifs and I see no reason why this game will be any different.

Bears +7 over NINERS
Bears should be able to move the ball on San Fran and be in this one all the way. I know it's the home opener in a new stadium on primetime but that's motivation for the Bears too.

INDY -3 over Eagles
Luck going to carve through the Eagles on Monday night. Give me that over 53.5 too.

Top Of The Page Material:

"Idiots with nothing better to do"

"Most Boston sports fans are just douchebags. Because most people from New England are douchebags." - tem

"Obama got elected because of the Rooney rule" - Jug

"you should never let debt stop you from pro-creating anyway" - El Padrino

"If you agree with EP, change your opinion." - H

"i'm dumb and sensitive. basically i'm a woman" - L Padrino

"I'm so horny this morning. If there wasn't this sex offender list going around id grope bitches on the train this morning" - L Padrino